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HELLO IT’S ME
Zhang Hao has never had a serious boyfriend.
It’s not that he hasn’t tried. Starting from high school, he’d accepted dates from almost anyone who asked, both girls and the occasional bold guy. He’d discovered quickly enough that he wasn't into girls, but even the guys never clicked right with him. They always tried to move things too fast, or clearly liked him more in the abstract hot-and-popular-guy than as Zhang Hao the person. He soon decided that he would have to try his luck once he was older, outside the confines of his small high school. He wasn’t entirely sure how the gay scene worked, but he was pretty sure it’d be easier than this.
Yet, it felt like things got even worse in university. There were regular polls on university forums about him and even the LGBTQ++ friendly forums featured some uncomfortably sexual posts. He would go out to get a coffee and spot a girl taking a picture of him using a compact mirror. The one time he went to a gay club, he found himself cornered by a smirking guy, with a table of hooting and hollering supporters nearby.
It honestly put him off the idea of dating. So once he decided he would be joining Yuehua Entertainment upon graduating, he put a kibosh on the concept completely. He didn’t need any rumors about his sexuality following him into the idol industry anyway. It might have felt different if he had a serious boyfriend, but as it was that clearly wasn’t an issue.
(He did start a friends-with-benefit relationship with Kuanjui, but they both firmly agreed that there wasn’t a romantic spark between them. It was safe though, and immensely comforting.)
Once he joined Yuehua, he relished in feeling like he had finally found his true calling, after leaping from geosciences to music education and now idol life. He also made fast friends with the other trainees.
Ollie jokingly called him ‘mom’; Yujin was quieter but that just made Zhang Hao feel like he needed to look out for him even more. They all teased that he fussed over them more than their actual parents did.
Zhang Hao didn’t care. He liked taking care of people, and as the oldest he felt responsible for them and for protecting them from the worst aspects of this industry. He fell into the routine of each day, wondering when and how he might debut.
It was a shock - though in hindsight it probably shouldn’t have been - when the trainee manager sat him down one day and told him they wanted to send him onto a show called Boys Planet. They were brutally honest about it - Yuehua had already debuted a new boy group in 2022 and they would not be debuting a new one any time soon. Considering his age, he would be a hard sell for a group that wouldn’t be debuting for another three years, minimum. They didn’t want to let him go, but realistically he also didn’t have the clout to have a successful solo debut. If he wanted to keep going in this industry, he needed to debut in a successful project group and this was the best shot they could give him. If he did well, he would have a good shot at re-debuting in a group or going solo. Otherwise, this was the end of the line for him.
It had been hard to hear. He didn’t think he had made a mistake in finishing university before becoming a trainee. He felt the life experience he’d gained was invaluable. But he also couldn’t deny the facts - an unknown 22 year old trainee was already facing an uphill climb. An unknown 25 year old foreigner was functionally doomed in this industry.
So he agreed to join the show and decided he would do anything he needed to make it.
It had been a relief though, to hear he wouldn't be going alone. While the specter of age didn't hang over the rest of the Yuehua trainees, the company had decided they all needed the exposure for the sake of this nebulous future group.
He was even more relieved when he got a call from Kuanjui and realized they would both be joining this show. He hadn’t had a chance to see Kuanjui since the other man had returned to Taiwan. He missed Kuanjui so much - their regular calls didn’t come close to being able to see and hug him. They promised each other that they would meet up first thing and have a marathon session for all of the previous Produce seasons and of Girls Planet 999. They needed to strategise.
Zhang Hao knew the odds were long. He was prepared to face it head on anyway. He had a plan .
Then, he met Sung Hanbin and felt his world go upside down.
Sung Hanbin has never had a boyfriend in his life.
He had realized he was gay pretty early on, but the thought of dating in and of itself always seemed like too much of a hassle. He had dreams to chase and goals to meet, and when compared to all of that, dating just seemed to fall to the wayside. He’d had a few fleeting crushes that never went anywhere, and a few drunken makeout sessions that were more trouble than they were worth. Eventually, he decided to just take each day as it came. If he found someone, then great. If he didn’t, he had other things he wanted anyway.
Then, he met Zhang Hao and it felt like someone had just hit him over the head with a two-by-four.
He remembered seeing Zhang Hao walk in with the rest of the Yuehua trainees. He had looked deceptively small next to the other Yuehua G trainees, with a bright face and bulky blue jacket. Then, Zhang Hao had pulled out a violin and transformed into an elegant virtuoso. It made him sit forward, eager to see what else this man could do. He’d watched in awe as Zhang Hao sang, his voice beautifully loud and resonant, all the while dancing cleanly and sharply. It was everything he thought an idol should be, and everything he wanted to be.
They didn’t have many chances to interact after that since they wound up being sorted into different classes. Hanbin was preoccupied with trying to raise his rank, since he was disappointed in himself for not doing as well as he’d hoped in the auditions. There were also so many new people to talk to and befriend, and old friends to reconnect with.
He never stopped noticing Zhang Hao though. The other man drew attention wherever he went. He was still in awe at Zhang Hao’s confidence and skill when he volunteered to sing the highest notes for the signal song in front of the masters. Zhang Hao hadn’t even had the advantage of seeing the song the day before. He just went for it.
It wasn’t until they were both voted as centres that they finally had a real chance to interact.
They were both given scripts for the opening narration on the way to the shooting site. Zhang Hao had bitten his lip as he stared down at the papers, before turning to him and saying, Korean accented but perfectly formal, “Hanbin-ssi, I’m sorry to be an imposition, but would you be able to help me with the pronunciation? I’m not very fluent yet.”
Hanbin nodded immediately. He understood the need for perfection, and it would be good practice for him too. They went over the script together, Zhang Hao scribbling little notes on his copy in Mandarin.
Once they were done, Zhang Hao smiled at him warmly, “Thank you, Hanbin-ssi. You were really helpful.”
Hanbin smiled back, “You don’t have to be so formal, Zhang Hao-ssi. I’m younger than you, you can speak to me informally.”
“Ah, in that case, you can just call me hyung then,” said Zhang Hao, “It’s more comfortable for me too. Especially after you were my Korean tutor for 30 minutes.”
Hanbin nodded agreeably and said, “Well, you can ask me for any translations you need any time. I really admire you, you know? I can’t imagine going on a show like this and having to learn a whole language at the same time.”
Hanbin watched in fascination as Zhang Hao’s ears blushed pink. It drew his attention to a little mole below Zhang Hao’s eye. Zhang Hao said, “Ah, don’t flatter me. I know I sound awkward.”
“I think you sound cute,” said Hanbin immediately, because the thought had been plaguing him all morning. He could feel himself flush. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud. He soldiered on, “Anyway, I probably sound 100 times worse when I speak Mandarin, so who am I to judge?”
“Oh, you speak Mandarin?” asked Zhang Hao, eyes bright.
“Barely!” said Hanbin, waving his hands in front of himself, “I know some basic phrases and I’ve tried to pick it up a few times, but never got very far. My pronunciation is atrocious though.”
“How about we do a trade then?” asked Zhang Hao, “Every time I ask you for help with Korean, I’ll teach you something in Mandarin? That’s if you’re interested, of course.”
Hanbin laughed, “Well, I’m happy to help anyway, but I certainly won’t turn down the chance to learn Mandarin from a native! It’s a deal.”
They shook over it, grinning. They spent the rest of the car ride chatting, discovering to their delight that they had a lot in common.
At the end of the filming day, Hanbin came to two realizations.
One, Zhang Hao was the prettiest person he’d seen in his life.
Two, the two of them clicked in a way he’d never experienced before. He couldn’t help but feel they matched like perfect puzzle pieces - from their looks to their personalities to their pasts. It felt like they’d been living parallel lives all this time.
He didn’t know what to do from here. He did know he wanted to find out where it could go.
Ollie found this entire survival show process a mix of immensely exciting and eye-wateringly exhausting. He’d decided early on that the best way to survive (ha!) this whole process was to just take each day as they came. He would continue doing his best, learn everything he could, and keep showing his best self on stage. He was invested in making his debut.
He was, however, also invested in whatever thing was going on between his Hao-ge and Sung Hanbin.
Zhang Hao was the older brother he had always wanted. Everyone looked up to him. Even in his earliest days in Yuehua, all the trainees would gather around Zhang Hao like moths to a flame. His talent and skills were palpable, but even more importantly, he was so genuinely warm and kind that you couldn’t be around him without feeling seen and heard. He was also funny as hell.
So, it didn’t really surprise him to see Sung Hanbin look at Zhang Hao with a vaguely starstruck expression, the day they were filming the signal song. A lot of people looked at Zhang Hao like that after spending just five minutes with him. He’d seen it on a number of the G-trainees faces already. And Sung Hanbin had spent an entire day with Zhang Hao filming their centre's content!
He was surprised, though, to see Zhang Hao looking back. As far as he knew, Zhang Hao didn’t have a romantic bone in his body. He’d always been so focussed on training and debuting, and seemingly oblivious to the many trainees who had a crush on him.
Yet, here was Zhang Hao looking at Sung Hanbin with clear admiration. He was also pretty sure he’d also seen Zhang Hao putting a hand on Hanbin’s thigh earlier and what was definitely flirting.
Sung Hanbin was something of an enigma to Ollie. He was stunningly handsome, that went without saying. He was also really nice and friendly. He was one of the first Korean trainees to reach out to G-Group and make small talk, getting by in a mix of Korean, English and rudimentary Chinese. He was inherently likable, and his talents were undeniable. However, the way he held himself made it obvious that he was on his best behavior. Ollie could kind of understand that - he'd had image training hammered into him by the company, and with so many eyes on him all the time, he’d be on edge too. It did mean that Ollie didn't feel like he really knew who Hanbin was though.
That made the unguarded goofy smile on his face as he talked to Zhang Hao even more interesting.
Ollie was going to get to the bottom of this. And if he could push the two a little closer together? Well, Zhang Hao deserved a cute boyfriend. It was a younger brother’s duty to help.
He wondered if Hanbin was interested in learning any Chinese pick-up lines.
TURN ON THE LIGHT
The night after he found himself with the Killing Part for Love Me Right, Hanbin had gone to think in the camera-less stairwell when Zhang Hao stumbled across him.
Zhang Hao blinked at him, eyes wide, 'Hi Hanbin. Sorry, did you want to be alone?'
A part of him debated saying yes, but at the same time the older man might be able to help him sort out his thoughts. He'd heard from the other trainees that no one could cut through bullshit and give good advice like Zhang Hao did, so he said, "No, no. Actually, if you didn't mind I'd like your thoughts on something?"
"Oh?" Zhang Hao sounded surprised, but he obediently took a seat next to him. The stairwell was narrow enough, and Zhang Hao's legs long enough, that Hanbin could just barely feel the warmth of his calves next to him. "What's going on?"
"I took the Killing Part from Yedam today."
Zhang Hao gave a considering hum, "And you feel weird about it? I'd heard you purposefully sat out on trying out for the killing part this time around. I heard Yedam volunteered to give you the part?"
"Wow, gossip sure does spread fast around here, doesn’t it?” Hanbin shook his head, ”But yes, that's pretty much it. Like part of me is delighted to get the part, because I love performing and having my skills acknowledged feels great, I won't pretend otherwise. But you and I both know that this first elimination is going to be brutal. There's going to be so many trainees who'll wind up going home having only a bare few seconds of screen time. I feel like I'm being too selfish by accepting this. I already had all that centre time in the signal song."
Zhang Hao hummed thoughtfully, "You're a better person than me then. I understand why you would feel guilty. Of course I do. But this is a survival show, and being ambitious is normal. And honestly? We all want to be idols because we want attention. If you don't reach for the stars, you can't expect them to fall into your lap. All of us can only ever try our best."
"Do you know when I was younger my mom used to scold me for never sharing? Mom says I’ve been territorial since birth." Hanbin said, pensive. "I was that kid on the playground that tried to hoard all the toys and would scream if someone took them away. It wasn't until my friends stopped playing with me and called me a greedy brat that I learned my lesson. I learned how to control it, but the impulse to just want has never left me. I'm always afraid of being that greedy little brat again."
Zhang Hao hummed, "It's good that you're self aware. But I wonder if in trying to avoid being greedy, you've made yourself a martyr. I think it's good to want things. I wouldn't have wound up here at all if I didn't. Everything in my life I’ve fought for. There are always boundaries of course, but being a little selfish is good for you."
"But how do I know when it's too much?"
"If you're really worried, you can come to me and ask. Or if I think you've really gone overboard, I'll yell at you myself." Zhang Hao smiled crookedly, "I've been told that I can be pretty scary when I'm mad."
Hanbin grinned, "I can imagine it, Zhang-laoshi. Honestly, if you're really willing, I'd appreciate it. Having someone hold me in check will make me feel better."
"Okay then. And you'll have to promise to tell me if I'm being an asshole too, alright?" Zhang Hao teasingly held out a pinkie. Hanbin chuckled and reciprocated. They sat for a while in companionable silence.
Hanbin glanced at his watch and startled, "Oh my god, it's so late! I'm sorry for keeping you up, hyung. We should get to bed if we want any sleep tonight."
Zhang Hao laughed, standing up and dusting himself off, "I kept myself up. Come on, let's head back."
They walked back to the main dorm area, chatting idly. As Hanbin was about to head down the corridor for the K-Group dorms, Zhang Hao called out to him from the stairs. "Hey, Hanbin? Just so you know? I don't think you've got anything to worry about. You're one of the best people I know."
Hanbin smiled, touched. "Thanks, hyung. You're pretty amazing yourself. I've never met anyone like you. I don't think I've ever been able to just talk like that with anyone."
Zhang Hao grinned back, "Me too. And I'm glad to see you smiling again. Your face is just made to smile."
Having said that, Zhang Hao turned around and headed up to the G-group dorms. Hanbin stayed rooted in place, replaying the older man’s words in his head.
Hanbin wondered if the sudden desire to chase after Zhang Hao and monopolize all of his attention was something Zhang Hao would scold him for.
TAKE MY HAND; TWO IS BETTER
Zhang Hao had known since the signal song that he and Hanbin worked well together, but he hadn’t realized just how well until Tomboy.
For most of his life, Zhang Hao was used to being the one who took charge. He knew he was smart, and his life experience usually gave him the confidence and background necessary for him to push new creative ideas. Yet, working with Hanbin, Gunwook and Hoetaek, he found a new challenge and new joy in the art of creating .
He’d been intimidated at first, wondering if he really had anything to contribute to such a stacked team, but Hanbin had pulled him out of that rut so gently and so firmly that he felt slightly dizzy from the whiplash. He didn’t even know if Hanbin realized what he was doing, or if that was the other man’s naturally empathetic and encouraging nature coming into play. Whichever it was, he appreciated it from the bottom of his heart.
So, he was dismayed when Wumuti knocked on his door and told him that he might want to look for Hanbin in the laundry room. He got up immediately - every trainee knew that the laundry room was where you went when you wanted to have a private little cry.
When he walked into the room, he found Hanbin sitting in the corner, wedged between the dryer and the wall. He had his head tilted back, expression blank. His eyes were dry but still slightly red from what was clearly a previous crying jag.
Zhang Hao spoke, his voice soft, “Hey, Hanbin. You alright?”
Hanbin startled, turning to look at him. To Zhang Hao’s panic, Hanbin’s face immediately crumpled, his mouth trembling and tears springing immediately to his eyes.
Zhang Hao quickly knelt in front of Hanbin and cupped his cheeks. Years of comforting crying students and overwhelmed trainees gave a practiced edge to his movements. He gently wiped away a tear, saying softly, “Hey, hey now. Tell hyung what’s wrong. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
Hanbin took a few shuddering breaths, his fists clenched tight as he replied in gasps, “I don’t know. I just got really overwhelmed by like… everything, you know? I feel as if I’m stagnating, going nowhere. Everyone has all these expectations of me - my dancing, my vocals, how I look, how I dress, how I smile… I just don’t want to disappoint anyone. I probably sound like such a selfish, thankless ass right now. Ranked number one and yet so ungrateful.”
Zhang Hao nodded seriously. He reached down to intertwine his fingers with Hanbin’s right hand and used his other hand to pat Hanbin’s hair. He gave a soft hum to encourage Hanbin to keep talking. He didn’t want to interrupt before Hanbin let it all out.
Hanbin held his hand tighter, almost painfully, his voice thick from the tears, “After the first elimination, I saw all those posts you know. About how I looked. And so many people are questioning if I should stay number one, saying I’m bland or boring or ugly or a hundred other things. It reminds me so much of sitting in front of the Cube trainers, being told that they weren’t sure if they should keep me for exactly those reasons. Then I see you, and Hoetaek-hyung, and Gunwookie, and you’re all so good and I wonder what I’ve got to show to compete with that. How could I deserve the number one place when there are people like you here?”
Zhang Hao let out a surprised little laugh at that. Hanbin’s brows furrowed in confusion, and Zhang Hao rushed to say, “I’m not laughing at you, I promise. It’s just that that was exactly how I felt after the interim evaluations, and you were the one who helped me break through it. I guess we really are alike, huh?”
Hanbin smiled wryly, “The Chinese Sung Hanbin and the Korean Zhang Hao.” Zhang Hao was relieved to see that his tears had mostly stopped.
“Exactly,” Zhang Hao took a deep breath, looking directly into Hanbin’s eyes, “I want you to know that you deserve everything, okay? I’ve never seen anyone who shines on stage like you do. You dance like it’s as easy as breathing, you sing as if it’s effortless. And you’re so beautiful. Nothing about you is boring - if you’re boring then so am I, because we’re two sides of a coin, right? There’s always going to be people who hate you for simply existing, or being number one. Just know that, to me, no one deserves it more than you.”
Hanbin’s face crumpled again and his tears started anew. Zhang Hao breathed in sharply and hurriedly pulled him into a hug. He said, “I’m sorry. That was probably too much.”
Hanbin shook his head. With how Hanbin had buried his face into his neck, Zhang Hao could feel the barest press of his lips against his collar bones.
Hanbin said, voice impossibly soft, “It wasn’t, hyung. I’m just thankful you’re here.”
Zhang Hao gave a quiet hum, “I’m thankful you’re here too.”
As they sat in that laundry room together, Zhang Hao felt something in him shift. In that moment, as they continued to talk in quiet murmurs, sharing their hopes and dreams in the dark of a cramped little room, Zhang Hao thought he might have just discovered what it was to be seen for the first time in his life.
Hanbin idly played with the tab of the Zero Coke can that Zhang Hao had given him before going into the shower, telling him he needed to rehydrate. He felt so embarrassed about his emotional breakdown earlier. Objectively, he knew that crying was perfectly okay and he really had needed the release. It didn’t stop him from feeling wrung out and exposed.
Still, underneath the embarrassment, he felt much better. He hadn’t known how much he needed someone to listen to him, to sincerely want the best for him until Zhang Hao had knelt in front of him, cupped his face and gently brushed away his tears. He could still feel the warmth of Zhang Hao’s hands lingering on his skin, phantom touches of gentle fingers running through his hair. As he poured out his insecurities, he realized that he completely trusted Zhang Hao to understand . He wouldn’t be judged as whiny or privileged or ridiculous.
So, when Zhang Hao came out of the shower, still brushing his teeth, he thanked him as sincerely as he could. His voice was rough from tears, but he knew he needed to say it.
Zhang Hao blinked at him, surprised, before a teasing grin crossed his face and he asked for a massage as thanks. Hanbin felt the heavy tension in the room shatter as he agreed.
It wasn’t until he was kneeling over Zhang Hao that he realized what he had gotten himself into. Zhang Hao’s face was turned to the side, showing off his sharp profile. Hanbin unconsciously traced the lines of his face - from his strong eyebrows to his high nose to his full lips. Zhang Hao was a startling combination of soft lines and striking features, both beautiful and handsome at the same time.
As Hanbin started massaging his way down his shoulders, he was startled to feel how slight Zhang Hao was. He knew they were of similar heights, but he hadn’t realized how much smaller Zhang Hao was in frame. He could feel the delicate curve of his shoulder blades, stark against his palms. As Zhang Hao sleepily asked him to please work on his lower back, Hanbin found himself enamored with how easily he could circle Zhang Hao’s waist with his hands. His eyes drifted lower to his long pale legs.
He shook himself forcefully. He was giving a massage to a friend. He shouldn’t be thinking about things like this. There were cameras in this very room filming everything, for heavens' sake. What they had already said was probably incriminating enough.
Zhang Hao let out a quiet little sigh as he nuzzled his face into the pillow. He looked so soft and sweet. Hanbin wanted to see his face like this all the time.
This was getting to be too much. Clearing his throat awkwardly, Hanbin carefully worked over Zhang Hao's shoulders one last time before pronouncing the massage finished.
Zhang Hao sat up, and they exchanged shy thank yous. They settled back on the bed next to each other. Hanbin idly traced the fine bones in Zhang Hao’s hands. The moment felt unbearably intimate, but Hanbin wanted to stay here forever.
A low snore suddenly broke through the quiet.
Startled, both of their eyes flew to the bed in the far corner. Hanbin had completely forgotten that Hoetaek was still in the room. He was so thankful that Hoetaek wore earplugs to sleep. He didn’t think he could bear it if not. This moment, this whole night, felt private in a way that he was jealously possessive of.
Next to him, Zhang Hao stood up quickly and shuffled over to his own bed. Not quite meeting his eyes, Zhang Hao whispered, “Good night, Hanbin.”
Hanbin settled himself back into his bed and murmured a quiet good night back.
If he pressed his face into his own pillow to breathe in the scent lingering there, no one had to know.
The truth of it is this: Hanbin has never known how to give up. When he left Cube, it had felt like the end of his idol dreams. He had written it off, been sure that he would now chase an alternate path and find happiness that way. And yet, at the first real chance he got, he found himself signing up to a survival show, going all in on debuting.
He had tried to remake himself into someone that didn't want things so desperately, who could give in and move on.
He hadn't succeeded.
It said something, then, that the only thing he had ever wanted as much as debuting was to debut with Zhang Hao.
AS MUCH AS I DREAMED
Zhang Hao had gone looking for Hanbin to chat - they'd both been meeting up semi-regularly after practices to share their worries about being leaders and exchange tips. After deciding to make his solo dance break into a pair dance, he really wanted Hanbin's input on how that might be carried out.
When he walked into Hanbin's room though, he found the younger man face-planted on his bed, still wearing his jacket and his diary splayed open in front of him, clearly unfinished. He felt his heart soften immediately. From what he'd heard, Hanbin had been up even earlier than usual this morning to prepare for practice.
He quietly cleared the bed and went to cover Hanbin with his blanket. He couldn't resist patting Hanbin's head lightly as he did so. To his embarrassment, that caused Hanbin to slowly stir. He busied himself with unfolding the blanket, hoping Hanbin would fall back asleep.
When he looked up, he met Hanbin's adorably confused gaze. Hanbin's voice was rough with sleep, as he groggily rubbed at his eye, "Hao hyung? What's up?"
Zhang Hao smiled softly, "Nothing Hanbin. Just go back to sleep. You should take your jacket off though."
Hanbin whined lazily, and it made Zhang Hao's heart clench from how cute it was, "That's so much effort though."
Zhang Hao clicked his tongue disapprovingly (he could faintly hear Gyuvin's voice say yes mommm in his head, but that was neither here nor there), "Hey, I'm already being nice and not chasing you to shower. Come on, you'll be more comfortable that way."
Hanbin turned so that he was fully laid on his back, "Can't you do it for me, hyung? Please?"
This was the guy everyone praised as being mature, polished and professional. Zhang Hao wondered if he was the only person who got to see this adorably petulant side to this picture perfect idol of a man. He couldn't say he disliked it.
Pretending to huff in annoyance (and resolutely ignoring the butterflies in his stomach), Zhang Hao reached over and started to pull off Hanbin's jacket. He flushed slightly as he felt the firm muscles of Hanbin's arm and the heat of his body. God, why did Hanbin always run so warm? He crawled onto the bed to get a better grip, since Hanbin was doing his best impression of a limp starfish.
When he finally got the jacket off, he let out a little 'Ha!' of celebration, looking down to smile victoriously at Hanbin. It was then he noticed how compromising their position was. He was essentially straddling Hanbin's thighs, and the other man’s pupils were blown black as they stared up at him. Zhang Hao swallowed nervously but didn't make any move to get off.
Zhang Hao felt a thrum of desire run through him and desperately hoped his arousal wasn't obvious. It would be so easy to lean down and kiss Hanbin right now. It was even harder to resist because he was sure Hanbin would kiss him back. It was only the omnipresent reminder that there were cameras on them that stopped him from throwing caution to the wind.
He’d been so good these few months about pushing down his attraction to Hanbin. He couldn’t slip up now, not when the finish line was so close. They hadn’t spoken explicitly about what they were, but there was an implicit mutual acknowledgment that they both felt something but that it would have to wait until they debuted. If they debuted.
With every bit of willpower he had, he forced himself to get up, settling himself on the edge of the bed. He was still clutching Hanbin’s jacket like a lifeline.
Hanbin watched him get up unblinkingly. His gaze felt like fire along his skin. His voice was attractively low as he said, “Thanks, hyung.”
Looking resolutely down at the jacket in his lap, Zhang Hao said, “Any time.” He meant it. Even if they hadn’t defined whatever this was between them, he didn’t think he could give it up.
Hanbin’s face looked like a marble statue in the dim light, his expression serious. He said, “Hao hyung, let’s debut together, okay?”
Zhang Hao smiled, face soft, “Yeah. Let’s debut together.”
It felt like a vow.
NONSTOP MINDSET
After performing Say My Name, Hanbin was still running on adrenaline as he settled himself into the chair next to Zhang Hao.
Zhang Hao turned to him and smiled brightly, "Congratulations, Hanbin! You did so well! Your voice was really clear."
"You too, Hao hyung! You've cemented your winning streak; that's amazing." Hanbin grinned, and feeling a burst of courage added, "You looked absolutely beautiful too. You still do."
To his delight, he saw Zhang Hao's ears immediately flush red. It was becoming a bit of an addiction, seeing how fast and how red he could get Zhang Hao to flush. Zhang Hao squeezed his thigh warningly.
Feeling emboldened, Hanbin deftly unpinned one of the name tags on his uniform and gave it to Zhang Hao. He said, in the most gallant sounding voice he could muster, "For you, hyung."
He watched in fascination as the red in Zhang Hao's ears crept into his cheeks. Zhang Hao let out a hissed “Hanbin!” in embarrassment.
He started to apologize - he didn't want to make Zhang Hao genuinely uncomfortable - but then Zhang Hao reached out and grabbed the name tag. The older man stared at it for a second, expression inscrutable, before firmly pinning it onto his chest.
Hanbin had probably miscalculated. He was not at all prepared for how flustered he would feel at seeing Zhang Hao wear his name like that. He was definitely unprepared for how much he liked it. It was a loud roar of delight in his head, drowning out the chatter of the other trainees in the room. He couldn't tear his eyes away.
Zhang Hao’s lips curled and he leaned back in his chair, his hand reaching down to intertwine with his. He looked smug at rendering him speechless. It probably said something about Hanbin that he found that painfully attractive.
To his right, he could hear Kuanjui loudly asking Yujin for his name tag. As Kuanjui walked past them to grab the name tag from Yujin, he leaned down and whispered, “The things I do for you two. Honestly, guys, get a room.”
Zhang Hao gave a quiet laugh, “Thanks, Kuanjui. I owe you one.”
Hanbin nodded in agreement. He didn’t let go of Zhang Hao’s hand though.
His eyes strayed back down to the name tag on Zhang Hao’s chest. Soon, his mind whispered, the many unspoken promises between them loud in his ears.
They just had to make it to debut.
I SHINE
As the weeks went by, and whispers of 'unshakeable first place' followed him from week to week, Hanbin couldn't deny that he'd grown possessive of the title. He wanted to rank first, to make survival show history with a perfect streak. The thought of a fall from grace knotted his stomach up with nerves.
And yet, standing on the stage and hearing Zhang Hao's name announced, he'd felt a rush of delight and adoration when he turned to look at the other man.
It was the moment he realized that this is what love was. All of his anxieties, all of his wants, fell away as he looked at Zhang Hao.
Zhang Hao, who was clapping and turning to congratulate him.
Zhang Hao, who hadn’t even contemplated placing first. Who was asking him if this was real.
Zhang Hao, who he loved.
As he watched the dawning comprehension on Zhang Hao’s face, as tears started to well up in the other man’s eyes, he felt a surge of helpless affection. This beautiful, lovely man. It still stung to have his streak broken, but if there was anyone he would be okay with losing it to, it was Zhang Hao.
It was that realization - that for all his greed and ambition and wanting, the thing he wanted most was this. Zhang Hao, happy, with him, next to him. They’d achieved their dreams. They were going to debut together. All of the tears and blood and sweat he’d poured into this dream, coming true together with the man he loved.
As they walked up the stairs together, Hanbin knew that nothing would ever be the same again.
He couldn’t wait.