Work Text:
The position he was laying in had begun to make his body sore but Kai made no move to turn over. He'd been trying to fall asleep for what seemed like an hour. But no matter how much he tried to lull himself to sleep his mind and body stayed as live as a wire.
He wasn't feverish but a dry, itchy heat was rolling underneath his skin in agitated waves. Deep in his core there was an ache that, while not intense, still commanded his attention.
Kai knew what these feelings meant and was silently cursing.
It seemed even after giving himself that procedure all those years ago his body still held onto its nature as desperately as it could. His uterus no longer resided in his body and he'd long since removed every gland and receptor that made him susceptible to heats. And yet still it seemed Kai couldn't out pace his biology.
Frustration getting the best of him, Kai finally turns over and looks at the clock. 3:43 a.m. There was work to be done in a few hours, he didn't have time for this. Once more the irritation in his body has Kai moving into action. The covers are thrown off with more force than necessary and he comes to sit on the edge of his bed. Another quick glance is made to the clock as if to confirm that he really is up at this hour before he's heading to the door. The quick succession of movement has another warm wave pulse through him.
The hallway is empty when he opens the door; Kai's only one of two that live on this floor, the other being Hari. At the thought of his aide he makes a mental note to check on him when passing by his room. Silently Kai traverses the tiled floors of the hall. At the very end, before the staircase leading down, is where Hari resides. Without hesitation Kai is knocking at his door.
There's no response and Kai can't help the annoyance that only adds hotness to his already stuffy core. If he gets any hotter he'll surely break out in a sweat. Kai once again shows little hesitation as he's swinging open his aide's door. Eyes immediately draw to the bed where he finds it empty. Another degree rises inside him.
"What could he be doing at this hour?"
Closing the door, Kai goes on a search for the alpha. His alpha. The pseudo heat is working itself into his brain, making him more possessive than he'd usually show. A quiet growl escapes his chords as he prowls around the lower floors of the hideout.
His nose isn't quite what it used to be since the procedure, being reduced to the quality of a beta's. The result of this is that it's harder to sniff out Hari within the maze of the underground. This doesn't stop Kai from trying. A part of him feels pathetic taking hard, deep inhales in an attempt to catch a whiff of Hari. The other part is honed in on finding his alpha and is blind to the ridiculous sight he'd make if anyone could see him.
It takes a few more minutes of aimless wandering before Kai catches a trail; like a shark in bloody waters he's on the hunt. The fresh, clean scent of Hari almost blends in with the sterile environment but Kai has spent too much time learning the intricacies of the alpha's to be thrown off. In no time he stands in front of the door the scent is concentrated behind. It's Hari's personal office.
Kai doesn't knock before entering, doesn't feel he needs to. The room on the other side is dim with the only light coming from the lamp beside Hari's desk. As the door shuts the alpha looks up at him from the paperwork he was currently hunched over. Hari wears a stony, neutral expression, his face naturally set to look serious and mean.
His eyes light up just a touch at the sight of the omega and Kai's weak nose can barely pick up the smell of his endearment. The heat within him gets stronger at the fact that Hari is pleased to see him. Despite himself, Kai's lips crack into a small smile and he glides over to Hari's side.
Up close he can smell Hari better, and the overall aroma is positive. Kai moves to sit on his lap and Hari makes more room for him by pulling out away from the desk. It isn't until he's nestled close to his chest that Kai makes conversation with Hari, "What are you doing working this early in the morning?" His voice betrays annoyance but it comes out soft and tired nonetheless.
Hari hums, chin resting on top of Kai's head. "I suppose it's the same reason you're here now, I couldn't sleep. So I figured if I couldn't rest I could at least get some work in." A gentle silence falls between them as Kai doesn't make a move to respond. Instead he toys at the zipper of Hari's uniform, uncarracteriatically soft and sweet. Hari allows him to carry on, content to just bask in this rare moment to coddle the normally closed off omega. Moving his head slightly he rests his nose just above Kai's neck. Inhaling deeply, his olfactory receptors are completely taken over by a piney, fresh scent. Hari can't help the bliss that overtakes him. He'd begged Kai to keep a good chunk of his scent gland intact when he'd discussed operating on himself; said he was okay with all the other changes but couldn't get behind Kai never having a scent again. The idea of being unable to smell or locate the omega filled Hari with dread and for once he'd had to put his foot down with Kai.
But there's another scent that he can detect off Kai. It's fainter than it should be, meaning Kai must've taken out a piece of its respective gland back then as well. Just barely, Hari can smell distress on Kai and becomes curious as to what was keeping the young boss up. Resting the side of his head against the back of Kai's Hari begins to rub circles on his upper back.
"What's bothering you Kai?"
Kai can't say anything right away. He doesn't know what he could say.
"Oh nothing, just my body taking out any ounce of revenge it can on me! Don't worry, it doesn't bother me much anymore!"
And that'd be a necessary lie, because it does bother Kai. How could it not when his body is once again disobeying him, actively fighting against his common sense and dignity, telling him to breed, breed, breed…
His eyes begin to burn with wetness as the self hatred takes form beneath his skull. The suffocating itch that's been afflicting him all night adds fuel to his frustration.
Never being born would have been better than being an omega. Surely this existence is a punishment from God.
These thoughts and sentiments are the usual company for Kai. He's felt this way ever since presenting. It was hard not to have the blackest form of self-hate bloom within your chest when all your life people have been telling you that you're nothing more than a vessel to be bred. He could see the way alpha's would eye him up and down, even as child, not perceiving a human being but instead a bitch to be conquered.
He spent most of his adolescence fighting these beliefs, challenging any and all who dare see him as less than simply because of his primary sex. Emulating alpha behaviors and rejecting anything "omega" in him, Kai became ruthless and violent. Whether it be cage fights, school yard games or small arguments between him and other gang members, he met everything with overflowing aggression. Because he had everything to prove.
He can still remember the day Pops stared down at him with a watery sadness in his eyes, taking in the sight of Kai crouched over on the floor. The 15 year old boy's reproductive organs sat outside his body, discarded like Sunday trash, and he was trembling from the endeavor. A few months prior Pops had taken him off suppressants so as to avoid permanent damage; Kai couldn't stand the effects of heat. Not only were they uncomfortable but it emboldened many of the Shie Hassaikai to taunt him.
"Ain't so big now, huh, little boss?" "Omega's like you always turn out to be the sluttiest ones." "Wonder how long until you start begging any plain old alpha to fill you with pups."
Kai despised it. He'd worked hard to build up this image of a steel-boned omega who wouldn't take any alpha's shit and it was all going down the drain. His body was a weak link. Too weak to fight or argue back, he'd have to take the verbal abuse and hope that it wouldn't go further. Hope that they respected Pops enough to not take advantage of his adopted son.
It was humiliating, but it was nothing compared to the idea that maybe they were right.
Young Kai would lay in bed with unbearable, foreign desires causing his body to twist and contort in want and he'd think to himself: Does being an omega make me weak?
He never thought his primary sex mattered, that it was just ignorance that made all those alpha creeps demean him. But in that awful state, covered in his own bodily fluids and ready to throw away his dignity just for the touch of an alpha, Kai began to think they were onto something.
So he planned to cleanse himself of the source of his inferiority. He'd remove every trace of the omega within him so that he could be a person. It wasn't enough to think himself equal to his alpha counterparts, he had to make himself equal.
His first sloppy attempt at fixing himself came with the scene in front of Pops. Kai had figured that the surest way to execute his plan was to get rid of his ability to carry children. So on a muggy summer day, that's just what he did.
The pain had been almost unbearable, with Kai on the verge of chickening out many times. Finger tips shaking as he peeled back his layers of flesh, severing the flesh of his cervix from his canal had made him light headed. Hastily he sealed himself back up and curled into a ball. He was found like that, still reeling from the experience.
Both Pops and Hari had been mortified. They didn't understand that Kai only did what needed to be done. Pops had tried to get him to go to therapy afterwards but Kai fought tooth and nail to avoid it.
There was nothing wrong with his decision. Pops would have done the same if he was in his shoes. Hari too.
Regardless, it wasn't enough. Kai would find that out when the very next month his heat showed up like an unexpected, unwanted guest.
What more did he need to rearrange?
Studying up on biology, Kai learned every single piece that made up the body of an omega. From the smallest gland to the structure of the brain, he took it all under scrutiny.
Turns out there was more involved to heats than the one, simple reproductive organ he'd removed. There were receptors, glands and chunks of brain matter that needed to be taken care of before Kai could be cured of his disease.
"Kai?"
Reminiscing comes to an end as Hari's voice pulls him back into the room. Sparing a glance up into the alpha's eyes, Kai can see that he's worried. Can faintly smell it too.
"Nothing. Nothing's bothering me", it's an obvious lie but Kai doesn't expect Hari to challenge him.
Unfortunately,his expectations aren’t on the mark today.
"Kai please don't lie to me. Especially not so blatantly." A cold hand gently grasps the side of his face and Kai is grateful for something to combat his burning body. Still reluctant to confide, he nonetheless rests his head on Hari's shoulder. The alpha doesn't press anymore, allowing Kai the freedom to open up on his own terms.
As Kai sits in Hari's embrace for a rare moment he savors the feeling of being held. There's a security in Hari's arms, one that Kai is only subconsciously aware of: that it can be trusted. As long as Kai is in Hari's embrace he's safe. For once there is no need to protect himself as someone will be there to do it for him.
There's a deep ache in Kai's chest. They've held each other before but each time it's as if Kai realizes how alone he's been. These long 28 years have been filled with him putting up wall after wall between him and the outside world. Maybe after all is said and done he's untouchable but occasionally he regrets his self made barriers.
Eyes stinging, Kai can't stop hot and irritating tears from soaking Hari's shirt. No words come from the alpha but his grip tightens.
"I'm just…" The words are cracked as they leave Kai's mouth. His face scrunched as he gasps for a breath before the rest of the thought claws its way out of his throat,
"I'm just pathetic."
As if to prove his own point a strangled sob comes from his core. He tries his best to hold the noise in but still a hiss-like whine escape. He grips hard onto the fabric of Hari's shirt and his nails dig through into the palm of his hand.
"Still…after all these years…"
It's painful to turn the feelings into words. But even more painful still to hold onto them in solitude.
If only he'd never been born into this body. If only he'd been lucky enough to be anything else besides an omega.
It feels as though he’s falling down a cramped, muddy hole; everytime he tries to crawl out a disgusting, heavy mass pushes him down and he slips further.
The vague sensation of a hand rubbing his back are felt and Hari coos a soft "shhh".
“Hey… tell me Hari…” Warm, slippery snot is trying to drip down his face and Kai has never felt more gross in his life, “ Why should I have been born?” Kai aggressively wipes his face and can feel a rash beginning to form.
He doesn’t get an immediate answer from his subordinate but the man’s face scrunches up in pain at Kai’s question.
Holding tighter, Hari gives his response.
“I’m not sure what exactly you’re asking… but I know that I’m happy you were born. Regardless of how unfortunate you think it was.”
Though the words are sweet, and genuine, and well-intentioned, Kai can’t feel it. Wrapped in these warm arms, hearing these sweet words, isn’t enough.
It never is.
Kai always tries, always wants, to feel the cathartic mending of his heart by Hari’s love. But it’s not enough. With his head on the alpha’s chest all Kai can feel is a numbness where his heart, his softness, should be.
“Ah.” is all Kai can say in reply.
And once again, Hari’s heart is weak. Once again he knows he has failed to cure whatever mental burden his boss has been carrying for as long as he’s known him. “I’m sorry, Kai.” it's a small offering, all he can give now.
Kai isn't angry or even that disappointed. He's just tired, really.
"Just…hold me for now."
It's a small request, all he can want now.
Hari obliges him and keeps the omega in his embrace. Keeps guarding him in this small moment of vulnerability.
Soon Kai will get up and leave the alpha's body. He'll rebuild his thick, lead walls and return to the identity he's built to keep himself stable. Once again he'll be Overhaul, heartless leader of the Shie Hassaikai.
And then he'll fall back into the rhythm of pulling himself apart and back together again. Over, over, and over again; until it fits seamlessly, until he and his body are one.
He'll break this body until he's mad.