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Maya had dropped Carina off at the hotel after dinner at the station and had then spent the night replaying every moment with Carina from the hospital to Joe’s to the apartment. Being with Carina … happy, light, loving … was everything she had been wanting. And kissing Carina, being with Carina was still something that took her breath away. Something she wasn’t sure would ever happen again.
But after that … in their bed, in their bedroom … Maya couldn’t see a way past this. Carina couldn’t forgive. She couldn’t forget. At least not yet. Maya knew she had hurt Carina. She knew she had been unfair to Carina. She still hated herself for what had happened over those painful months. But … she was struggling too and wanted to scream that she had been hurt too.
She was living with her own demons in this damn apartment, at the station, at the hospital.
She kept seeing Carina walk away … from that rooftop, from their bed, from their bedroom, from that hospital room, from their home.
She couldn’t get Carina’s words out of her head … I don't think you know how to live a normal life. We had happiness, and you needed to wreck it. I can’t make a baby with that. Now they just play on repeat ... when she is alone in this damn apartment, when she decides to torture herself and go to the station rooftop, whenever things get too quiet ... which is all the time.
And now she had been in their home … though it was probably past time that she admitted that it wasn’t their home and might never be their home again … alone, painfully alone for months. She kept trying to silence the voices in her head, recognize the trauma responses and coping mechanisms for what they were, and find better ways to handle the shitshow that was her life, her marriage, her career. And do it all alone.
Maya was so tired of being alone. Which was ironic because before Carina she had been alone … by choice. And she would have told you then that she was fine. She kept everyone at arm’s length. They could all come to her, but no one got past her walls. And she was fine, but now …
She was so tired of feeling like a monster, like a broken, pathetic thing that nobody wanted. The meeting with Ross hadn’t done her any favors either. She couldn’t help by remember the Christmas after they had decided to try for kids Carina had made her watch some Christmas movies, movies she had never seen as a kid. She knew she was feeling sorry for herself, and that Lane would have kicked her ass. Diane probably would too. But it didn’t change the fact that she would fit right in on the Island of Misfit Toys … or that she wasn’t certain that if she were to somehow get to watch what everyone’s life would be like without her that she would make the same decision that George Bailey did.
Because she just couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone would be better off if they had never crossed paths with Maya Bishop.
And truth be told, the more she thought about it the more she realized that as much as she had focused on the smiles and the sex and the intimate touches …
Carina still wasn’t wearing her wedding ring.
Carina still wouldn’t say “I love you.”
Carina still couldn’t come home and live with her.
I can't move back in here. ... But being back in here, it's just so painful. ... I can't. I can't. Maya wasn't sure how much more she could handle playing on repeat in her stupid, broken head.
Carina had been so angry at Maya for not being an open book and yet Maya had no idea that Carina had already planned out a future with a private practice. How did she not know that? What did it mean that she didn’t know? Because Maya was sure that it had to mean something and not something good.
Carina had mentioned kids before hurriedly try to cover it with our kids. Was that because Carina didn’t want to freak her out? Or because she wanted kids and still hadn’t decided if Maya was part of that story? Was the private practice part of the plan Carina had made for her life without Maya?
Carina had assumed that Maya was lying and in trouble again not just taking a personal day for her …
Carina had talked about her day but hadn’t cared enough to ask any questions about her meeting with Ross … and if Maya was being honest, she wanted to talk about it. Get some of her issues and anger off her chest. But Maya wasn’t sure how much work Carina even wanted to know Maya was thinking about these days.
Carina still hadn’t asked any personal questions …
She hadn’t asked how therapy was going …
She hadn’t asked how Maya was really doing …
She hadn’t asked how Maya was handling being alone in that apartment recovering from what Carina herself saw as a mental health crisis …
When Maya had said she was willing to put in the work, Carina hadn’t said that she was willing to do any work at all. Maya hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that. The tears had been gut-wrenching. The hug, holding Carina in her arms, had been … perfetto. But she wasn’t sure she was emotionally stable enough to take all the blows, all the tears, all the pain, all the anger, all the guilt …
The irony of the situation was not lost on Maya. Broken, pathetic Maya was not the one who kept breaking down or getting angry and lashing out. She had picked herself up and was putting herself back together alone. And now she was the one who had to be strong and stable for Carina. What if she couldn’t? What would happen if she had a bad day? Maya was terrified that if she made one mistake, was something other than what Carina wanted then it would be over. Carina would be gone. It couldn’t be healthy to be that afraid to make a mistake, right?
Diane had told her repeatedly that she couldn’t focus on trying to become the person she thought Carina might see as worthy of her love. Honestly, she knew that wasn’t healthy. But was anything about this healthy? How was she ever supposed to feel safe knowing that Carina didn’t want broken Maya and the verdict was still out on whether she wanted however “fixed” Maya could become.
Maya could feel the tears coming. She knew they were close. She was really fucking tired of crying in this empty apartment because clearly when you cry in an empty apartment, and no one is around to hear you then you haven’t made a sound that anyone cares about.
But Maya was not going to cry, not right now, not again. She knew she was feeling sorry for herself. Maybe she just needed to get out of this apartment, talk to someone. And there was another problem. Who the hell could she call? Because at this point the only person she had to talk to about any of this was Diane. Wasn’t that just depressing?
Andy would lord it over her as she always did. She would probably answer the phone, pretend like she cared now that Maya was the mess that no one, especially precious princess Andy, needed to worry about. Andy was on the fast track up the ranks, and Maya was sure she was one step away from being shown the door. And wouldn’t Andy just love that. Andy who was so fucking emotional and insubordinate on her best days, but for some reason everyone saw that as leadership. She needed all the space in the world from Andy, especially after that meeting with Ross.
Vic was a hard no, a hell no. She couldn’t get past the things Vic had said, the things she had done. Maya had stood by Vic when she would have been out on her ass had anyone found out about her fear of fire … after Ripley died … but Vic talked about her behind her back, never even tried to be there for her, and took a fucking pregnancy test with Carina. And never fucking apologized! Yep, definitely needed to stop thinking about Vic.
Plus, Andy and Vic had just closed ranks without her … they talked about their personal lives with each other … they were friends and Maya was just not needed or wanted … the group of three had become a close-knit two … and Maya wasn’t sure how to break back in or if she even wanted to.
She couldn’t talk to Jack. Just no. And Travis was so wrapped up in his own stuff and seemed to spend most of his time with Vic and Andy. She wasn’t sure she could handle Travis and the knowledge of the sketchy things he had done running for mayor knowing that no one had abandoned him or thought he was a monster. Maya was the only monster here. Ben would probably give her a pep talk, but she wasn’t in the mood for his endless optimism on love and the number of times he and Bailey had worked through hard times. And Ben had a tough shift, she wouldn’t add to that with her drama.
She didn’t really know Theo, and Sullivan could drop dead. That man really had an uncanny ability to survive … there were so many times she wished she had just let him get fired. But it was too late for that. Now he was using Ross to get his career back on track.
And what could she say about Ross. Ross was an embarrassment to women and was doing more harm than good. Being led around by that toxic man and destroying the advances of the #metoo movement by feeling like she should be able to get away with it. And what the fuck was wrong with Andy, suggesting that Ross cover it up. She really hoped Ross wouldn’t do that because she didn’t want to go down with that ship. And what was Andy doing interrupting her. It had been a colossal mistake taking the pictures to Andy. Andy had always needed to show Maya up. Maybe she could have made some headway with Ross but now it looked like Andy was making all the decisions and Maya was again the sidekick.
She hated being the damn sidekick. She wasn’t anybody’s sidekick. And why did everyone forget that Maya was fucking competent, and that Maya had taken on Dixon first.
It was somewhat ironic though that Ross talked about protocol and following orders when she slept with a subordinate and promoted him then went against protocol to save a kid’s life then applauded Andy for disobeying orders on scene.
Sometimes she had to laugh at the hypocrisy of Natasha Ross. Or cry. Because that woman meant that she would have to leave Seattle to have a career. Which truth be told she was beginning to think might just be for the best. New possibilities for friends and a revived career path might be just what she needed. She had to wonder what Carina would think of that. She was certain that would fall under career goals she wasn’t allowed to have anymore. Everyone else could. Hell, Ross could break every rule … do what would get most men run out of their job after the #metoo movement … and keep her career and man.
Lesson for the day … Ross and Andy get free passes for breaking protocol, violating SFD rules and regulations, insubordination. Maya paid the price, Maya was destroyed … only Maya, always Maya.
Maya knew she needed to get off this subject because that meeting with Ross and Andy had pissed her off. And there really was no one to talk about that with. Ross was never going to see Maya, the real Maya … the fantastic firefighter with the impeccable record, the captain who led her team through a pandemic and racial protests, and whose team had the fastest response time in SFD, the woman who had worked tirelessly to be the best and get the best out of her team, the woman who had been there for every member of that team. She would always see her as insubordinate for the one time she disobeyed an order and a villain for the one time she let her anger and frustration lead her to make that terrible, fateful decision.
And since the incident in the cave, she couldn’t shake the fear that Ross knew a lot more about her conversations with Diane than she was comfortable with. She shouldn’t have freaked during a rescue. Maya knew that. But why had Ross mentioned being an Olympian and a daughter … unless she was implying that she knew that Lane and his need for Maya to win that Gold Medal had led to decades of abuse and the crisis that landed her in the hospital.
Damn it!
This is why it was so awful to be in this fucking apartment alone. She really had no one to call, no one to talk to, no one who cared how hard she was working and struggling to fix things.
Carina had wanted her to open up and let her in. Carina had wanted her to share her feelings, her thoughts, her struggles. And now that Maya wanted to share these things with Carina, wanted Carina to see the hard work, see the effort, see the love … Carina didn’t seem to want to have any of those conversations with her.
Unless of course, it was Carina that wanted to get something off her chest, make sure Maya knew how much she had fucked up. And Maya didn’t need all the reminders, she knew. Every damn thing in this apartment was a constant reminder of just how much she had fucked up, just how broken she was and might always be …
Carina wanted nothing deep, nothing hard, just flirty and fun. A girlfriend, not a wife.
Maya wanted Carina to be all in. She wanted Carina home. She wanted Carina to want to be home.
She wanted Carina to see her, really see her and … she felt stupid even thinking this … but Diane said that she had to accept her feelings and stop running from them … for most of her life, she had been what her father wanted her to be because she craved that which he so infrequently gave. She needed him to look at her proudly and say, “good job.”
Maya looked around her empty apartment, took a deep breath and then another one until she felt some small sense of calm. Now came the hard part, admitting the feeling and being okay with it. And so, into the emptiness of what used to feel like a home, Maya laid bare a part of herself to no one.
“I want Carina to see me, to see the work, to see this person as the real me not some ‘fixed’ version of the monster everyone thinks I really am. I want her to finally say that she loves me. I want her to say that she is proud of me. And even if I’m not, I want her to say that I am enough.”
And the world did not end.
Maya wiped the tears from her eyes and went to the bedroom to change.
She was going to do something else that she and Diane had talked about. She was going to start to reclaim the things her father had tainted and that started with running. She loved running. She loved the freedom. She loved the clarity that came with it. She loved the confidence that a good run gave her. And she was done letting people take things from her. Not Lane’s years of abuse that tainted it first, and not Carina’s fear that she would never know her limits. No one was going to take this from her.
With one last look at the empty apartment, she refused to give in to the fear that it would always be so. She closed the door and prepared to take back a part of her life that brought her joy and that she could control.
Diane, at least, would be proud of her.