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Kumatora, a girl with pink hair and a mouth full of sass, explained my revival had to do with the Dark Dragon. Since Lucas pulled the Final Needle, the dragon catered to his dreams and desires. So by proxy, I’ve returned to the land of the living. Six months after killing myself, I’ve been given a second chance.
Kumatora dragged me home, her thoughts buzzing with anticipation and excitement. It should’ve been a thrilling journey, but I was terrified. Would Dad be happy to see me? God, what would Lucas think? The last time he’d seen me, I was bleeding out in his arms. I swallowed, unsure if returning was really the best idea. I’d caused so much pain. Maybe I’d be better off elsewhere. Facedown in a ditch, for example.
But like clockwork, my thoughts kept returning to that second chance. The chance Mom never got.
So I swallowed my discomfort and pressed on.
The second I opened the door, Lucas gripped my shoulders with clawed fingers. Afraid to let me go again. His emotions crashed over me in a monsoon of grief and guilt. Raw torture veiled the deepest corners of his mind, eating him alive. Unable to find words, I returned his embrace. I choked back tears.
Holding my brother close, his heartbeat thrummed in my ears. The sound filled me with resolve.
~
Fourteen days after returning to life, I realized something.
I’d been studying the family picture, the one hanging on the wall near our beds. We’d taken it a few days ago, with the excitement of me coming back and all. But the picture didn’t catch any of that joy.
Lucas and I looked unwell. Our thin smiles and sunken cheeks betrayed the facade that everything was dandy. Because really, it wasn’t. Even though it should’ve been. Does that make sense?
“You’re okay,” Lucas whispered on the nights I woke up sobbing. “You’re safe. I’m here, and look, so is Boney.” Age and grief hadn’t wavered his gentleness. It ran beneath his words and fingertips like the softest of steel. How could anyone ever have called him weak? Lucas’s softness rang through the cold, empty world like a fierce mark of defiance.
A hint of bitterness, rebellion, lay beneath it all. This wasn’t the scared, self-conscious little brother I’d left behind.
“Come off it,” he snapped at Biff once. The man had made some offhand remark about the Masked Man returning to further corrupt Tazmily. Lucas whipped around, his eyes blazing.
“Get your finger out of his face. Or you’ll have a lot more than a ‘corrupt city’ to worry about.” He stalked away, hand still curled around mine. I glanced back at Biff, my shock mirrored on his face.
“Sorry about him,” Lucas murmured. “You probably remember how stupid this village can be. Biff wouldn’t know his head from a doorknob if nobody told him.”
What was happening? I was supposed to protect Lucas from people’s brazen remarks. Not the other way around. When had Lucas become so assertive? “You talk to the villagers?”
Lucas shrugged, waving away years of selective mutism like it was nothing. “I couldn’t stay silent forever.” He didn’t sound proud or even nonchalant. He sounded mad , annoyed at being forced out of his shell. As I moved through the city’s unfamiliar streets, heated glares tossed at me from every direction, I almost longed to be back in the ground.
~
I often slipped out after dark.
Despite everyone’s newfound happiness, the house’s dreariness ate at my bones. Three years of sadness and pain still lived within the walls. I felt it whenever I stepped through the door. And ultimately, it was no longer home. Not without Mom.
Sitting under the stars, I could breathe easier. I could remember I was no longer a slave to the empire. For the first time in years, I had autonomy over myself. Thoughts of Porky often flooded my brain, but I forced the guilt down. I couldn’t go back to that dark place. Or else I’d make another stupid choice.
Lucas often followed me out. Other times, he’d sense my annoyance and stay behind. But he watched me through the windows. I’d see the curtain twitching as he hid behind his growing concern. Yeah, that’s my brother. Paranoid as ever . I couldn’t blame him, though. I mean, if I’d seen him take himself out with a lightning bolt, I’d probably be in a similar boat.
Unable to sleep, I rose that night with the intent of sneaking out. Porky’s face kept flitting at the edges of my mind, along with the agony of mechanical machines piercing my skin. Yeah, being ripped apart against my will isn’t exactly a fun memory.
Shivering, I tried to think about something else. You’re not a chimera. You’re fine. Porky’s gone. But my thoughts always circled back to that day in a cold, mechanical chamber, being drilled into and picked apart…
Lucas sat up. His eyes locked with mine. “Where are you going?”
“Out.” I paused, my hand on the doorknob. I was no PSI master; I’d only just learned to use it of my own free volition, but something felt off. “You all right?”
“You can’t go.” Lucas’s words dropped to the floor, shattering like broken glass. “You cannot be serious!”
I stepped back, holding up my hands. His voice rang with desperate shrillness, putting a pitchy, unfamiliar sound on each word.
“You can’t keep doing this!” Lucas’s face had turned white. He gripped handfuls of his hair. “You can’t keep leaving again and again! Are you out of your mind? Answer me, Claus!”
He stood, and I stared. Tremors coursed through his arms, tears streaking his pale face. But what made me flinch were his eyes. Overcome with wildness and terror, they didn’t even look like Lucas’s anymore.
I ventured forward, my steps hesitant. “Fine. I’ll stay here.”
“You won’t stay!” Lucas shrieked, delirium creeping into his voice. “You never do!”
“Lucas.” Dad appeared by the bedside. He lowered Lucas’s hands from his face. “You’re upsetting your brother.”
“I can’t do this again,” Lucas whispered. “Please don’t make me do this again.”
Dad rubbed his shoulders. “Calm down. Nothing’s wrong.” He glanced at me, seemingly apologetic.
I stared back, chilled by his mild reaction. Was this normal?
Lucas sighed, his emotions falling to a more even level. As I sensed his relief, I couldn’t help but shiver. My eyes fluttered to the door. I was beginning to feel like a caged animal.
Meeting my gaze, Dad nodded. “Go. It’s okay.”
I sure as hell didn’t need to be told twice. I slid out the door, heartbeat pounding in my ears.
Jesus, what the fuck was that? I shuddered, Lucas’s hoarse screams still ringing in my head. I could barely connect the frenzied look in his eyes to the gentle, soft-spoken brother I’d once known…
The door opened. I flinched.
“Are you okay?”
Lucas stood beside me, blinking. All traces of mania had evaporated. Clarity ran through his mind like a glass river.
“I feel like I should be asking you.” I shot back. “What was that?”
Lucas sat beside me. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He shook his head. “It won't happen again. Cross my heart.”
I couldn’t get his screams out of my head. “Luke, there was something really wrong.”
He hunched his shoulders. “Believe me, I know. I thought it would’ve stopped by now.”
“This is normal?”
Lucas didn’t meet my eyes.
Well, that was just great. Was he experiencing psychosis? I couldn’t think of any other explanation for the jarring shift in emotions. Maybe he didn’t fare well without his older brother keeping him in check.
Oh, God. Had I caused this?
I rubbed his hand. “Sure you’re okay?”
“I’m okay,” Lucas said. He glanced at me. “Are you? I swear I didn’t mean to yell at you-“
“Forget about it.” Inwardly, I shivered. I wouldn’t be forgetting, not in a long time. As I replayed the event, my mind grabbed hold of another question. “What did you mean? When you said I never stay?”
Lucas stared at the dirt.
“I mean, obviously I left when I went looking for the drago.” I swallowed. That wasn’t a pleasant memory. “But…never? Lucas, I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You left me!” The words fell from Lucas’s mouth in a rush. “Twice.”
“I-“
“First you left to avenge Mom. For three years we thought you were dead. Dad looked for you from sunup to sundown, for three years.” Grief choked his voice. “And then, in New Pork City, you left me again.”
My words caught in my throat. “Oh…”
“I’m not blaming you,” Lucas said quietly. “You thought you were doing the right thing, in both instances. But you hurt me so much, Claus.” Pain wracked his eyes. “You hurt us all.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears burned behind my eyelids. Why had I killed myself? How could I have been so stupid? “I never wanted to hurt you. Ever. I just wanted it all to end. The pain, the guilt…”
Lucas nodded. “And death felt like a clear-cut answer.”
Something lay beneath my brother’s words, a sadness so subtle it almost went undetected. “Luke…?”
“I didn’t get it,” he said, lowering his head. “Why you did it, I mean. I couldn’t quite understand. But then, it all made sense.” He shook his head. “Forget about it.”
I shuddered. The implication behind his words made my blood run cold. “You wanted to kill yourself.”
“I stood on the train track in town.” Lucas’s words dragged out of him. “In another split second I would’ve been dead.”
Tears escaped my eyes. Imagining my once-cheerful little brother staring into the lights of an oncoming train was awful. “What changed?”
“As the train approached, I realized I was making a huge mistake. I wanted to die,” Lucas whispered. “That didn’t change. But I couldn’t leave Dad all alone. And…I didn’t want to meet you like that. I couldn’t bear you dealing with my same guilt.” He hid his face. Was he crying now, too? “And now you’re here. I would’ve left you all alone.”
“You didn’t, though.” I brushed his hand. “You’re still here. You stayed when I couldn’t bear it,” I choked. “You didn’t deserve what I did to you.”
Lucas shook his head. “After I let you go, I deserved every bit of it.”
“Don’t be stupid!” I didn’t mean to sound harsh, but that’s how my voice came out. “You think all this was a punishment?”
“What else could explain it?” Lucas asked. “The gods wouldn’t do this to an innocent person.”
His words shattered my heart. “You didn’t bring tragedy here. That was Porky’s doing. You did your best.”
“I lost you,” Lucas whispered. Silver tears shone on his cheeks. “There’s no excuse for that.”
No. I lost you. Looking into my brother’s tired eyes, I searched for a trace of joy. Anything to show his spirit still lived inside. But his fatigued expression suggested the damage ran deep, where no one could touch.
“Come here, Luke,” I whispered. Taking him into my arms, I listened again for that heartbeat. “You’re going to be okay, alright? I promise.”
“And what about you?”
I’d destroyed villages and torn apart families. Yet Lucas had so much faith in me, in my goodwill and future. But I could never be happy again. Not after all I’d done. To strangers, of course, but especially to my own family. I’d broken something in Lucas. Something I wasn’t sure my presence could heal. Maybe the only way to heal all of us was to turn back time.
“Hey.” Lucas traced my cheek, gentle with the scars. “You have nothing to fear now. You can focus on getting better, and looking ahead.” He wrapped me in another hug. “Your life is so precious.”
For some reason, I choked up. “Thank you.”
Lucas’s soft smile was genuine in that moment; I felt it clear as the night sky. “Don’t worry about me,” he said. “As long as you’re here, I have all I need.”
I never deserved you. How could he treat me with such compassion after I’d hurt him so badly?
But maybe he had a point. Maybe things would be okay, as long as I had Lucas guiding me home. Returning my brother’s embrace, I closed my eyes and allowed myself a moment in the present, free of guilt and pain.
We had to be each other’s light. Then maybe we could reclaim our own.