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A year ago Eddie wouldn't have call his dad in a moment like this. He hasn't come to his dad being this vulnerable since he was little. But right now Buck is in a hospital room in a coma and he has been going to therapy so he knows he's allowed to carry his burdens with other people. However he can't go to Bobby because his captain is terrified of losing Buck, of losing another one of his kids. He can't go to Chim because he saw how guilty he feels about not going up the ladder. Also he already has enough to worry about taking care of Maddie. They're both facing the possibility of losing another brother after Kevin and Daniel. So no he can't add to his worries or to their grief. He can't go to Hen because she is home with Karen and she deserves to be comforted by her wife and be allowed to break and to feel her sorrow without Eddie interfering. He considers seeking Athena out but discards the idea quickly because she has enough on her plate already. She's probably with Bobby and dealing with her own feelings. Because if Buck is cap's kid he is also the stubborn stepson that earned Athena's love. He also briefly thinks of calling his abuela or tía Pepa but he doesn't want to break the news to them about Buck's coma. They care about him and he doesn't want to deal with their reactions. He knows that is a little bit selfish but he is simply doesn't have the energy to deal with other people's reaction. There's also this part of him that wants to be comforted and not to be the one to take care of others.
So here he is now in a supply closet in the hospital not being able to leave but not having the strength to go into Buck's room. The latter would make the situation that much more real and the first would mean having to break the news to Cristopher. He's barely hanging on himself so he's not in the right headspace to tell his son that his Buck could die, that the person who is like another father to him could be taken away from him.
And if he is honest with himself Eddie is terrified for himself. He can't fathom a world without Buck in it. Or he can but the possibility has the power to break him. He knows he would go on. He knows he would wake up every morning, get out bed, take Chris to school and go to work but he doesn't want to live like that. He was just letting himself want again. He was allowing himself to feel the love he had for Buck and his want to be near him and to kiss him and to go to bed with him and to wake up next to him. He was just starting to get comfortable with the idea of telling Buck. Now the person he's in love with is hook up to machines that keep him alive and he's scared shitless and barely holding on.
He's looking at his phone screen. At his dad contact. He doesn't know if he'll regret calling his dad. They had put a lot of work into their relationship but he hasn't been feel so raw, so powerless in front of his dad in a long time. Maybe ever. He doesn't know if he can trust him with this broken part of him and not be judged, but he feels so small. He wants to be soothe and he doesn't really know who else to reach out to. He feels like a lost little kid and that's another thing that scared him to his core.
He presses call hoping to find solace from his grief and to not regret it later.
"Hello?" his father sleepy voice answers. Shit. Eddie realizes he doesn't even know what time is it. His dad was most likely already in bed. “ Eddie, mijo, ¿estás ahí?"
"Papi" He hasn't called his dad that since he was five. He feels a little pathetic crying on the floor of a little broom closet and looking for his dad for comfort. The therapised part of him knows that is a normal reaction to trauma, but the same man who is on the other side on the phone thought him that a real man doesn't cry, that a real man isn't allowed to break.
"Eddie, are you there? Are you hurt?"
Eddie can't really answer his questions. He is barely breathing and he is crying so hard that even if he could the words would come out an incomprehensible jumble.
"Mijo, respóndeme. Answer me. Por favor, Eddie." his dad tries again. "Respira conmigo, mijo. Come on you can do it. Follow my lead" He does as his dad says. He breaths with him following his exaggerated inhales and exhales. When he has calm down a little his dad tries again " Dime ¿Qué pasó?"
Eddie doesn't really know how to tell his dad what had happened but he could at least try. He had to for his own good. However he didn't know how much it would reveal about himself or how his dad would react.
" We were on a call. It was raining and Buck went up the ladder where he was struck by lightning. His heart stopped. He's in the hospital now" Eddie pauses and takes a deep breath to at least have a second before the next words crack him open and leave all his soft parts unprotected and vulnerable " The doctors don't know if he'll make it." Admitting to his father Buck's precarious situation leaves him in a state of numbness. He can't fathom a reality in which Buck isn't there to make him laugh and to pick him up when the weight of the world becomes to much to carry alone. He wants to break something, to lash out but he knows this time Buck isn't there to help him and pick up the pieces. Fuck. How he needs him and he's only been out for less than 3 hours.
"Oh" comes from the phone. It comes as a barely there sound that brings Eddie back to reality. He doesn't have the slightest idea what is father will say next. If it will be the thing that breaks him once and for all or the thing that will hold him together for a little while longer " Lo siento, mijo. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Facing the possibility of a life without the person you love must be terrifying"
"Yeah, it is" Eddie doesn't realize immediately what he admitted or that his dad already knew about Buck. It takes a minute to fully process his dad's words but when he finally catches up Eddie takes a deep breath and prepares to have a possible devastating conversation with his dad. "How did you know?" Eddie ask genuinely curious
"Ay, hijo. Si pudieras ver como lo miras entenderías" His dad says softly.
" Surely you can't tell just by how I look at him"
"Maybe not, but it's not just your eyes. It's your whole demeanor, the way you let go of the weight I put on you since you were just a boy. The other day you ignore me for a full minute while we were face timing just because Buck entered the room. You were content just being with him. You were at ease. I'm happy that you found that with someone. You deserve somebody to treat you with the care and softness that your mom and me weren't able to give you. We are still learning to be there for you but he is already there and you deserve to be taken care of."
" You are not mad?" Eddie asks out of curiosity. His dad was never explicitly homophobic but he also wasn't a loud supportive of queer people. To be honest Eddie had been dreading coming out to his dad, tellings him that he could end up with a man or with no one. He hadn't figure out how to tell him he was demisexual, or even if he wanted to share the specifics. Probably he would have just come out as queer because even if he was his father and they were reparing their relationship that part of himself felt so personal and intimate that he was happy keeping it up close to his heart. He didn't want to explain the intricacies of his sexuality to everyone and that was fine. The only person with which Eddie wanted to share it wasn't awake.
"How could I be when he gives you everything you deserve? I won't say that I understand it because I don't but I believe that it's not my job to. My job is to love you anyway. " His dad says, he pauses as if mauling something over and the with more convinction continues. "Not to love you anyway. That's not it. My job is to love you because of it, mijo." He chuckles and proceeds saying " Also I had a chat with your sister. Sofía has always been the modern one, so I asked her a few questions to wrap my head around the fact that you might not be straight. It took me a little bit of time but I got there"
Eddie is speechless. He didn't expect this when he called his dad a few minutes ago. He wants to cry and to laugh and to tell Buck, but he can't because he can't even muster up the courage to go into his room. He will break apart if he talks to Buck and he doesn't answer. Romantic love never came easy to him and the idea of having sex with a stranger still makes his skin crawl but then came Shannon and for the first time he felt what his peers talked about. He felt butterflies in his stomach and not petrified at the prospect of being intimate with someone. And then he lost her, even before she died. He doesn't want to lose Buck too. He can't.
" I can't even go into his room. " Eddie confesses
" You don't have to do it right now, not if you're not ready"
" I doubt I'll ever be ready" He remains silent for a few seconds steeling himself to bring up of his most frightening worry " I don't know what I will tell Chris. He can't lose his Buck, he already lost his mother. He doesn't deserve more grief and trauma. I don't know what to tell him. How to tell him."
"Eddie do you remember when you were six and your mother went to the hospital because she'd to had surgery for her appendicitis?"
"No" Eddie answers honestly.
"You were six and Adriana was two. Sofía hadn't even been born yet. We were at home and we had to rush to the hospital to get her admitted. I was terrified out of my mind and so were you and your sister. We arrive to the hospital where a nurse took care of her and told us she would tell us the news as soon as she could. We waited for a while. You had Adri on your legs and you were hugging her tight. You weren't even crying but I was a nervous mess. After an hour they told us she had appendicitis and she was in surgery but that everything would be okay. After another few hours we were able to see her but we had to go home because visiting hours were over. Adri didn't want to leave her mom, she was scared and crying. Your mom and I didn't know what to do, but you took her hand and told her that mom would always be there she just needed to rest to get better so that they could play together another day. You handled the situation while I was petrified. So we came back home and you went to bed or at least I thought so. When I thought you were asleep I went to the kitchen, sat on the dinner table with a glass of water and I started crying. I didn't realize that you have come down." His dad stop. His voice wasn't so steady anymore. Sometimes while he was growing up Eddie doubted his dad's capacity to feel, but lately he has been able to see the person behind the stoic façade and he's grateful but also a little bit resentful because he didn't need a stoic provider while growing up. He needed a father.
"You came in into the kitchen, pulled on my shirt and asked me if you could sit on my legs" his dad continues " I wanted to tell you no. I hated that you were seeing me cry, but I said yes. I pulled you up and you put your hand on my face and told me everything would be alright. After that you fell asleep but I didn't move for a long while. I couldn't. You comforted me without having to do anything. Having you there was enough. But then I put you to bed and I felt so guilty and so weak for letting you see me scared and crying, for having let myself be soothe when I wasn't the one in the hospital. I was raised to keep things inside and to be strong. I thought I had failed you. I promised myself then that I would be strong for my family and that I would never allowed them to see me break again." His dad takes a deep breath and says " Eddie don't make the same mistakes I did. Christopher doesn't need you to be made of stone. He needs you. He needs the father that will teach him is okay to feel, that not crying doesn't make a man. You are stronger than me, son. You don't need to be unbreakable to take care of Chris. You taught me that, so don't ever forget it."
Eddie doesn't know how to respond to what his dad just told him. He feels a little lighter but still terrible. A simple conversation can't solve all his problems, it can't bring Buck back, can't make up for all of his father's mistakes but it's something.
"Don't lose your hope jus yet, mijo. La esperanza es lo último que se pierde". Eddie laughs a little at the cheesy line.
" Thank you, papá." And he really is grateful, but he doesn't feel quite ready to go out and face the world so he asks "Can we stay on the phone for a little bit?"
" Claro, mijo"
So they do. They stay on the phone without talking. He will have to face the world in a few moments but right now stays in a closet with his father clinging to hope and not letting go.