Work Text:
It's been a long day
And I just wanna hide away
~
Ever lost your will to live? Like everything is too much and you just can’t get away from it, from the darkness, the sadness, the emptiness. Like the only solution you see in front of you is to end it all. Because it would be so much better, right? So much easier.
Marlene feels like this every day. Right now, it’s 8 p.m., and she lies on the bed, scrolling through her phone, feeling absolutely nothing. In an attempt to feel something, she makes an account on a dating site. She ends up talking to a girl called Jade.
What are you doing? Jade writes.
Laying in bed, questioning my existence, Marlene replies honestly.
Ha, mood.
The next day, Marlene walks on Main Street in her city, Charlotte, licking an ice cream. Her phone lies in her jacket pocket silently. She doesn’t have notifications on. “Marlee!” Someone shouts from behind her that sounds a whole lot like—
Lena stands there along with Steph and Val. Marlene smiles at seeing them. They come running towards her and envelope her in hugs. “Dude, is this how you spend your Saturday?” Lena demands. “We’ve been messaging and calling you all day.”
Oh. Shit. “Sorry, I didn’t realize,” Marlene replies honestly.
“Uh-huh, clearly!”
They hug again and link arms and walk.
Overall, it’s a good day. It’s a good day and Marlene comes back home feeling like absolute crap. Because of course there’s no way she can be peacefully happy for even two seconds.
In a couple of hours, everyone goes to sleep, and Marlene walks around the house like a ghost. Her hands are trembling and there’s a horrible knot in her stomach. She reaches the dark kitchen and switches on the lights.
She opens the fridge, finds nothing worthwhile, and shuts it again. Then, she randomly opens up a drawer and there are multiple big spoons, and knives there, plus a pair of scissors.
Marlene takes the scissors out and examines them. She grazes her finger along it.
Maybe she can try it out. Marlene softly and slowly nicks the tip of her index finger with the scissors and then immediately panics. “Shit, shit, shit,” Marlene says as the blood slowly oozes out.
What has she done? Marlene puts the scissors back in their place and runs back to her room, closes the door, and leans against it, breathing fast.
She walks to the bathroom, starts the faucet, and washes off the blood. It’s beginning to sting now. She wraps around a cute blue band-aid with a panda drawn on it.
Then she gets inside bed and closes her eyes.
In the morning, Marlene feels no better. She pulls up the quilt, covers her face, and shuts her eyes, trying to will herself back to sleep. In blissful sleep, where reality and life can’t touch her. It doesn’t work.
Marlene throws back the covers and forces herself to get ready. One step after the other, Marlene tells herself. After getting ready she sits back in bed and opens Instagram. She has 9 messages there that she has no energy to check. There’s also a message from Jade.
Wanna meet today for coffee at 5? Starbucks on Main Street :) The message says.
Ok, Marlene replies, and shuts her phone, throwing it on the bed, already feeling worse. She tries reading her book, Payback’s a Witch, but it makes her feel no better. She keeps staring at the band-aid on her finger.
Marlene goes downstairs to talk to her family. That will make her feel better, right?
She’s wrong. It doesn’t. Her parents are both busy and she doesn’t force them to talk to her, not wanting to tell them the real reason she wants to talk. So, she goes back to her room and crawls into the bed. She feels tears stinging her eyes, threatening to overflow.
No, I will not cry.
She picks up her book again and reads until it’s fifteen minutes to five. That’s when she finally gets out of bed, and out of the house, to meet Jade. She finds Jade already waiting for her at Starbucks.
“Hi Mar,” Jade says, smiling widely, coming over to Marlene.
“Hello,” Marlene sings, and they both hug.
They buy coffee and talk, walking around. It feels okay, Marlene almost forgets about her issues for the next hour. They part, hugging once again, and Marlene makes her way back to her house.
As she walks back though, the sinking feeling in her heart begins to grow again. She sees a dark street and thinks of running — running, running, until she can’t feel anymore—
By the time she makes it back home, the tears are on the brink of pouring out. Marlene rushes inside her bathroom, closes the door, and sinks to the floor against it. And sobs. She sobs and sobs until she can’t anymore.
Walking through the school corridors to her locker takes all of Marlene’s energy. Lena greets her at the lockers, “Hiiiiii,” she says and wraps Marlene in a bone-crushing hug. Marlene tentatively hugs her back.
The first period passes through in a dissociative state for Marlene. She’s grateful for that, though.
Next, it’s breakfast and Marlene sits with her group of friends quietly. They talk, laugh, and make too much noise, giving Marlene a headache. “Why weren’t you there in school yesterday and the day before that?” One of her friends, Chris, asks.
“Because life is shit,” Marlene answers automatically, trying to keep her voice light and playful.
“It’s not. Come to school,” Chris says and turns back to talk to the others.
A flash of anger goes through Marlene. It’s easy for Chris to say that because she doesn’t know what or how Marlene feels.
She wishes it was that easy for her too.
The next morning, Marlene wakes up with a piercing headache. She picks up her phone to see 5 messages. Immediately, everything feels too much. She switches off her phone and puts it back on the bedside cabinet.
Then, she gets ready and completes some of her homework. Distractions are important.
After, she goes downstairs and spends time with her family. By noon, she’s feeling better. And it’s good. She’s okay. She’ll be okay. Right?
Of course, it doesn’t last. Nothing new. She’s so so frustrated. Maybe she should end it. Maybe, maybe she can go to sleep. Forever. Hibernate. Sleeping is the best way to ignore your problems, after all.
At night, when she’s lying in bed, feeling hollow, feeling empty, feeling numb, she finally switches on her phone. Her friends have been spamming on the group all day. Marlene feels a flash of annoyance. Didn’t they have lives? Did they really have to talk all day long? Did it make them feel better? Did they have all that energy?
Marlene also sees a missed call from Jade. After a few seconds of consideration, she calls her back.
Jade picks up. “Marlene, hey.”
“Hi,” her voice cracks. She clears her throat. “Hi, how are you?”
“I’m good. How are you? Why was your phone switched off?”
“I- I can’t explain it.”
“Uh, alright, no problem. Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?”
“No, no, it’s fine, I’m fine.” There’s a pause and Marlene gets a messed-up idea. “Hey, Jade?”
“Yeah?”
“You wanna meet behind the mall? Right now?”
A pause. “You’re serious?”
Marlene lets out a laugh. “Yeah, I am. What say?”
20 minutes later, Marlene’s standing behind the mall, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater, waiting for Jade. But mostly just worrying that Jade’s decided to stand her up.
But no, there she is. Jade’s walking toward her, with her purple-dyed hair up in a messy bun, wearing a white dress and a black leather jacket.
Jade fast walks toward Marlene and wraps her in her arms. Marlene lets out an involuntary sigh. It feels good, too good.
“Jade, you came for real,” Marlene says, pulling back.
“Duh!” Jade grins.
Marlene manages back a tentative smile. “You’re…wow.”
“So are you. I couldn’t believe I actually listened to you and came. You have some nerve. It’s unsafe out here right now, we could get kidnapped, or worse, murdered. Or both!”
“Mm,” Marlene looks up, pretending to think. “Would getting murdered really be that bad?”
“Well, yeah. It’d be super painful.”
“Okay, fair.”
Then, there’s silence and they’re simply staring into each other’s eyes. They’re still holding each other and even though the cold air is whipping at Marlene’s hair, she feels warm. She feels safe. And that’s ridiculous because she barely knows the girl.
Marlene leans in and so does Jade. And then Jade’s mouth is on hers and they’re kissing. This is not Marlene’s first kiss but it may be the best one ever. Maybe it’s because she’s been feeling so devastated these past few months and kissing Jade feels like living. It feels like living instead of simply surviving or existing.
Jade’s lips are soft and her hands are caressing Marlene’s back, and it’s amazing, it’s everything—
Jade pulls away. She looks mesmerized and dazed, much like Marlene feels.
“Wow,” she says.
Marlene nods and kisses her again. They stand there in the night, moonlight shining on them, their lips meeting again and again.
Marlene returns home to find her parents awake, waiting for her. They were asleep when she had left. Her little sister, Maeve, is up too.
“Uh, what’s going on?” Marlene questions nervously.
“Maybe you can answer us that,” Mom says. “Where were you? Maeve saw you leaving and immediately woke us.”
“I had gone out.”
“Stop stating the obvious,” her dad says irritably. “The question is, why?”
“I was meeting a friend.”
“So late, without informing us. By sneaking out?” Mom demands.
Marlene shrugs and starts leaving.
“No don’t you dare leave, young lady,” her mom scolds, and something inside Marlene snaps.
“I will do what I want! Can I just be happy for two seconds?”
Everyone seems to be left speechless by her outburst and Marlene runs upstairs to her room. She’s figured it out, she can’t be happy. Won’t be happy. Ever.
Jade can’t make her happy. Her family can’t make her happy. No one can. Nothing can.
The pain is going to be endless. Unless — she ends it first.
This is her breaking point. Her rock bottom.
Marlene goes inside the bathroom, takes out a pill bottle from the cabinet, and opens it with shaking hands, her eyes stinging with tears, making her vision blurry.
Marlene dumps down the pills in her throat and welcomes the darkness that soon surrounds her.
The first thing Marlene feels is air on her face and something soft underneath her. It feels good. Does that mean she’s dead? Is it over?
“She’s awake!”
“Marlene, oh my God.”
There are several familiar voices speaking on top of each other but Marlene’s hazy mind can’t place them. She opens her eyes to see white everywhere. Her parents, Maeve, and a nurse is surrounding her.
So, she’s in a hospital. She survived.
Suddenly, a realization hits Marlene. She attempted suicide.
“Baby, are you okay?” Her mother says, smothering her with hugs and kisses.
Marlene swallows and tries to nod but her mother’s grip is too hard to move anything at all.
“Why would you do that?” Her father demands, his eyes shining with tears.
Maeve is standing there, just sobbing. Marlene calls her to her and wraps Maeve in a tight hug, feeling guilty but not regretful at all.
“You did what?” Lena demands, sounding horrified.
Marlene shuts her eyes, immediately regretting telling Lena anything at all. She’s on a call with one of her best friends — one of the few people she hasn’t cut off in the past few months — telling her about her suicide attempt.
“Why?” Lena asks.
“Um,” Marlene thinks of the best way to explain.
They stay on call for a couple of hours talking about everything and nothing, and Marlene feels better to finally get it all out.
Next, she has to tell Jade.
Jade and Marlene sit on a bench behind the mall, staring away in front of them saying nothing. Just a minute ago, Marlene had told Jade that she’d tried to commit and none of them had spoken after that.
Marlene wonders if now Jade is going to get up and walk away from her for good.
“How many people know about this?” Jade asks, finally breaking the silence.
Marlene exhales shakily. “My parents and sister. They found me. Besides that only you and my friend Lena. I don’t want to tell anyone else.”
“That’s fair.” More silence. Then, Jade speaks a little softly. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Marlene looks at her and smiles. “I’m sorry I’m so messed up. I don’t know what’s going on between us but I don’t wanna mess you up too or burden you.”
Jade shakes her head, “You’re not. Why did you do it?”
Marlene cranes her neck up at the sky, dreading this exact moment. She has to do it again. It was difficult with Lena and it’s difficult now. “It’s just…” Marlene begins and then presses her lips together. “I guess I just wanted to stop feeling for good.”
“But why? Feeling is good.”
“Not my feelings. Everything feels like too much all the time. I feel horrendous all the time. I just wanted it to end, you know. The suffering, I mean.”
Jade nods. “I can’t say I get it or that I understand because I don’t. But…I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s sad that a girl your age tried to do what you did. You’ve barely lived and you already want to die. I’m sorry. I wish I could make it better.”
Jade’s speech— it’s too much. Marlene breaks down.
Jade doesn’t say anything, just gathers Marlene in her arms and kisses her.
It doesn’t end the pain. Marlene didn’t think it would. But it does numb it into the background, easier to ignore.
She takes a few days off from school. It doesn’t really help.
Nothing seems to help. Ever. She doesn’t know if she’ll get better. Ever. But she hopes she will. She hopes it’ll all be okay. She hopes she’ll be okay. One day.
One day she’ll wake up, looking forward to the new day. One day she’ll be excited about life again. One day everything will be just right.
Right?