Work Text:
"dear mark, because that's how you start a good letter. you'd probably ask me to put capital letters, to write properly, but today i'm doing this for myself, so i won't…i miss you, even if you're still here, even if we see each other every day i still miss you. You know what, sentences do look confusing without capital letters, you were right, I know you love to hear that. Shit, I got distracted, you already know that's an issue with me, anyways, you must be astonished, to say the least. Let me explain.
I met you when I was 12 years old, you moved to the house next to mine but I first saw you at school; you looked so lost at lunch, clearly a new kid. We sat together every lunch since then, I introduced you to my friends and I was so happy you got along so well. We were best friends!! That's what I thought at least.
At 15 you broke my heart for the first time, you were my best friend but I was not yours, I should've known…because since then I became a second option. You started hanging out with Donghyuck a lot, I honestly was so jealous, I couldn't say anything, you are not mine.
At 17 you broke my heart a second time. I won't ever forget the way you desperately knocked on my door and the moment I opened it you just hugged me while sobbing uncontrollably.
'Donghyuck has a boyfriend'
Those were the only words I could hear with all the crying and stuff. And you may ask yourself why you being heartbroken affected my own heart, let me tell you.
I loved you so much and seeing you cry and sob and moan for another boy was like a knife stabbing me a thousand times.
I was, then again, a second option because if this wasn't about him you would go running to his house and if you weren't in pain and trying to get over Donghyuck you wouldn't have kissed me.
You kissed me and I felt so bad I didn't tell you. Didn't tell you that was my first kiss, didn't tell you I had been imagining that moment for years and didn't tell you it felt good. It was a bittersweet moment for me but I remember it fondly somehow.
18, third time you broke my heart and probably the only one you noticed. I guess you already know, right?
The 25th of December, 2018. We were at a nice cozy coffee shop. I brought you a Christmas gift, one I had been working on for a whole year.
A thousand paper cranes, and a wish, a wish for my confession to go as planned.
.
.
.
It didn't, you snapped at me, you asked me if I was out of my mind, if I was trying to force you by doing it in a public space, I cried for a whole week until you came to my house and apologized with some popcorn, a bad movie and an explanation, you got a girlfriend.
Oh, I was a second option one more time.
Despite that, it was too easy to forgive you, because I still loved you.
The last time you broke my heart was today, at 26 years old, when you got married.
She is so beautiful but I can't help looking at you. That tuxedo suits you perfectly.
A beach wedding, the one you always talked about, it's amazing. 200 guests it's a lot, you even invited Donghyuck and his boyfriend!! I told you Renjun and him were soulmates!
I cried a lot during the ceremony, but not for the reasons you think. I love you so much, I fell too hard for someone who was not mine. I feel like all of this has done nothing but grow with the years. That's what made me burst into tears.
Do you know how hard it is? 10 years chasing after you, even when I knew I had no chance, even after I got rejected, and now, even after you got married, I'm still in love with you.
I miss the way we were and I miss looking at you without feeling guilty or insufficient. I miss you every second, a few minutes away it's too much for me.
I've tried everything to make you look my way, to let you know how I feel and it's still not enough.
I am never enough, not for you, not for my parents, not for anyone.
I hate it.
I HATE TO LOVE YOU BECAUSE IT'S SO HARD.
But I love it because you're so good.
You don't get it, no one does. Everytime I tell someone they say 'just move on' and…I just can't move on when it comes to you.
You're amazing, I can't put it into words.
I love you, Mark Lee, you don't even imagine how much.
You know what? I was about to ruin this day for you, I was gonna do it now, but I love you so much I couldn't, so you'll read this a few weeks too late.
I am so sorry.
I loved you.
To: the love of my life, Mark Lee
From: forever second option, Yangyang"
Mark wiped the tears out of his face. 4 years without him, without his laugh, without his voice, without his face, without his stupid comments about everything and anything.
Maybe if Mark hadn't been such a people pleaser, if he hadn't been such a coward, he, maybe, could've prevented this. He could've told Yangyang it was not his fault, he could've told him how he really felt.
Now it was 4 years without Yangyang, his Yangie, his best friend and the love of his life.