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Dib huffed as he stared at Zim’s house, his eyes narrowed in determination as he clutched the bag he was holding tighter. It had been almost a month since he had seen the alien at hiskool, and he was getting tired of being ignored and shot at when he tried to come over.
So, the fifteen-year-old had decided to do something about it. He was sure that this had to do with some stupid world ending plan, and he wasn’t about to sit back and allow that alien freak to take over the earth.
Digging a ball out of his pocket, the teenager pulled his arm back and hurled it across the street towards Zim’s house. It sailed through the air before activating the gnomes, which shot the ball dead on, vaporizing it.
So the lasers were still active. Okay, time for plan “b”. Setting the paper bag down, he swung his backpack off before opening it up and digging around. “Come on, I know I brought- aha!” Dib grinned triumphantly as he pulled the speaker from his bag. Zipping his backpack back up, he shrugged his backpack back on before he pulled his phone from his other pocket.
With a few clicks, he connected his phone to the speakers. Then, he hit play. A loud, Hispanic tune started playing as he grabbed the paper bag and waited.
Less than thirty seconds later, a green blur exploded from the home.
“TAAAAAAACOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAN!” Gir screamed, leaving the door wide open as he pelted towards Dib. With a triumphant smirk, Dib turned the obnoxious music off. Gir stopped on a dime, somehow managing to look confused despite the fact that he was wearing his dog costume. “Heeeey! Where’d the taco man go?!” He asked.
“Hello, Gir,” Dib greeted, taking a step forwards in order to get the defective robot’s attention. Gir let out a gasp as his dog costumed face swung around to look at him.
“MAAAAAAAARY!” He greeted, quickly latching himself to Dib’s leg. “Did you see where the TACO MAN went?!” He demanded. With a smirk, Dib shook his head. The robot was so gullible, it was almost too easy.
“Unfortunately I didn’t,” he said. “Buuuut…” he pulled the bag out from behind his back, earning an excited gasp.
“YOU HAVE TACOS?!” Gir demanded, immediately making grabby arms at the bag.
“I do,” Dib confirmed, pulling the bag further out of the robot’s reach. “And, if you take me to Zim, I’ll give them to you,” he said. To his surprise, Gir stopped reaching up.
“But… mastah said to leave him alone!” He said. “He’s really schmoopy!” He added.
‘Oh?’ Dib thought curiously. “Well, he told me he wanted to see me,” he lied. Apparently, that was enough for Gir.
“Oh, okay!” He said, returning to his attempts to grab the tacos. Dib rolled his eyes.
“Take me into the base first,” he ordered.
“Okaaaay!” Gir said with a giggle as he grabbed Dib’s freehand and yanked him across the street and into Zim’s lawn. With Gir at his side, the gnomes didn’t fire, but he could tell that they were swiveling their camera gazes to watch him as he entered the door.
He found himself being led to a trash can before Gir finally stopped. “Mastah’s down there!” He said before making grabby hands again.
“Oh, he’s in the lab?” Dib asked. Gir nodded. Deciding that the robot had earned the tacos, the paranormal investigator tossed the bag to him.
Gir leapt in the air, grabbing the bag with his mouth the same way a dog might grab a frisbee before turning and running towards the living room, bag still in his mouth. Dib shook his head almost fondly at Zim’s eccentric minion before turning to the trash can.
Bending down, the paranormal investigator began to shove it. It started to move, eventually giving way to a large, round, slide like entrance.
An entrance which Dib immediately climbed down the entrance. He had gone down this entrance to the lab multiple times, so he wasn’t exactly scared about doing so now.
Grabbing onto the many, many metal pipes that snaked their way down the entrance and into the lab itself, the teenager began to slowly make his way down. It wasn’t a simple climb, and he found himself having to make literal leaps of faith a few times, but eventually, he saw the ground. Unfortunately, it was much farther away than he remembered.
But that was fine. He’d done bigger jumps before.
With a final grunt, he dropped the ten feet to the ground, hissing in pain as he did the whole superhero landing (was it practical? No. Did it look cool? Hell yeah!). He had done this sort of thing enough that he was used to the sting of bruises he would get, but it didn’t mean the landing wouldn’t hurt for a moment or two.
Pushing himself to his feet, the paranormal detective slowly began looking around the lab. He knew this place like the back of his hand by this point. Three years worth of sneaking in had paid off, so once the pain was gone, he was off.
With Gir occupied with his tacos, Dib was able to be a little less cautious. He always heard Zim before he saw the egotistical little alien and Zim’s Computer barely gave two shits about its job (which? Honestly, he couldn’t blame it. Serving Zim was probably a nightmare). That left…
“Nyah!” Minimoose called from above Dib, causing the teen to jump.
“I WASN- oh, hey Minimoose,” he greeted once he noticed the small purple moose… weapon… thing. As much as Dib knew it was a doomsday device, he could never really muster much… anger at the being.
“Nyah!” Minimoose responded, bumping into Dib affectionately. And that was why. They were quite cute. More intelligent than Gir, but sharing the robot’s lack of desire to take over the world.
Reaching up, Dib pet the moose affectionately between their antlers. “Nice to see you too,” he said. “Do you know where Zim is?” He asked. Minimoose bobbed up and down.
“Nyah!” They affirmed before floating off, causing Dib to follow. As he did, he began to hear the somewhat familiar, alien sound of what the black-haired teen assumed was Irken. First was Zim’s voice, which was followed quickly by a voice that Dib had learned belonged to one of his leaders.
‘Ugh, of course he’s talking to his homicidal leaders.’ He rolled his eyes as he slowly drew closer to the source of the noise. He had no idea what any of them were saying, but, despite the language always making it sound like the speaker was angry, Dib couldn’t shake the feeling that there was anger in the voices of Zim’s tallest.
Were they angry at the fact that Zim had yet to take over the earth? Guilt began to bubble up at the thought, a feeling which Dib immediately shoved down as far as he could. There was no reason to feel guilty for delaying the actual destruction of earth.
Besides, if Zim was getting chewed out that meant that Dib was doing his job correctly! He was preventing the earth from being taken over. Which was a good thing!
Making his way closer to the source of the noise, Dib quickly found himself reaching the main lab room. Giving Minimoose a thankful nod, the paranormal investigator slowly poked his head in the door just as he heard his name.
Cursing under his breath, Dib reached for his water gun that he had holstered on his belt. Pulling it out, he heard Zim’s voice become… almost pleading. Then, halfway through a sentence, it cut off completely.
Deciding that now was the best time to launch his attack, he suddenly darted around the corner, his water gun raised and ready to fire. “YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING YOU… alien… freak?” He trailed off as he saw Zim lift his head from his spot on the floor.
Now, Dib was used to seeing Zim in a variety of moods. Angry, manically happy, grossed out, angry again… okay so maybe he only had experience with a few of the irken’s moods. But he was pretty sure that those were his normal moods, so he liked to think he has a lot of experience! However, this… this was something new entirely.
Zim looked… bad. He was out of disguise, like he normally was when in his lab, but Dib could have sworn his eyes were redder than normal. His antennae were flat against his head, not in the way Dib had learned meant anger, but more in a droopy way. Like a dog. His skin looked almost paler than normal, and Dib swore he could see bags under Zim’s eyes.
The awful look of his rival caused the teen to slowly lower his gun. The twelve-year-old within him screamed that he needed to shoot the irken right now. That Zim was just playing a game.
But after three years of weekly, if not daily battles. After three years of a back and forth with the alien… he couldn’t help but feel like he knew the alien enough to know that he wasn’t about to attack.
“Go away, Dib,” Zim ordered, his voice rough. Hoarse.
Okay, so. This was… not normal. Dib honestly couldn’t remember a time where the alien hadn’t added something derogatory to his name. Not only that, but there was no insult tacked on at the end. With a huff, he holstered the gun.
“Okay, spill. What the hell is going on with you?” He asked. Zim tensed.
“Nothing is wrong with Zim,” he said quickly.
“Okay, that’s bullshit and you know it,” Dib said, sitting down on the ground with the alien. “First you miss a month of skool, then I find you looking like absolute dogshit, and now you’re saying my name without insulting me?” He said.
“Maybe Zim is trying to be nice to get you to let your guard down so he can kill you,” Zim said, slowly pushing himself into a sitting position. Dib snorted.
“We both know that you refuse to be nice to anyone but your damn tallest,” he said. To his surprise, Zim actively winced at the mention of his leaders. “Wait. Did something happen with your leaders?” He asked. Zim flinched, the involuntary reaction telling Dib that he was right on the money.
“Nothing happened!” Zim said quickly. “The Almighty Tallest are fine! In fact, they are very happy with Zim’s progress!” His voice rose in pitch and fervor as he spoke. It was painfully clear that he was trying to convince himself that he was telling the truth.
“I don’t know. They sounded pretty upset when you were speaking to them a moment ago,” Dib said. To his surprise, Zim shrunk in on himself. Sighing, the teen ran his hand through his hair. “Look. I’m not dumb, Zim. Clearly something happened, and if you don’t tell me I’m going to start guessing,” he said.
“Zim doesn’t need to tell you anything, Dib-stink!” Zim hissed, antennae flicking from the sides of his head to flat against the back of his head. While Dib would never admit it, he couldn’t help but feel relief as Zim snapped at him. Depressed Zim was almost unnerving.
“You asked for it,” Dib said with a shrug. Putting his finger to his chin, the teen thought about everything he knew about the tallest. “Did you interrupt a meeting they were in?” He guessed. Zim snorted.
“The Almighty Tallest do not waste their time in meetings,” he said, that false bravado coming back. “Not like you pathetic hoomans.” Dib bit back the urge to tell him that, if they really didn’t attend meetings then they weren’t exactly good rulers.
“Hmm… did you break something you weren’t supposed to?” He asked, earning a scoff.
“Zim does not break things! He makes them better!” Zim exclaimed. Dib rolled his eyes.
“Sure, bug,” he said. “Did you interrupt snack time?” He asked, though, considering what he had seen of the tallest, they were content to eat all the time. Once again, Zim shook his head in disdain.
“The Tallest eat whenever they want! There is no need for them to wait for some silly snack time!” He exclaimed. This game of sorts seemed to be bringing Zim’s normal energy back, which made an anxiousness Dib hadn’t known he was feeling start fade away.
“What about TV shows? I know you have space shows, did you interrupt one of their shows?” Dib asked. While Zim didn’t flinch this time, there was a flicker of an unknown expression on his face, one that was gone too fast for Dib to identify.
“No.” It was a simple answer, but it told Dib that whatever happened must have involved a TV show. Still, it didn’t seem like that was the root of the issue…
“Are they mad you haven’t taken over earth yet?” He asked. Zim winced slightly at this, but said nothing.
“Did you annoy them so much that they snapped and told you to get lost?” Dib asked. Zim flinched as if he had been struck.
“Oh. Oh.” Understanding dawned on the teen as he saw Zim curl up into himself. “Shit, Zim. I’m sorry,” he said. “That’s…” he trailed off. “That’s awful.” He watched as the alien suddenly wrapped his arms around himself and dug naked fingers into his skin. Almost immediately, magenta blood began to well up around his claws, the sight causing Dib to wince. Reaching forwards, he carefully grabbed Zim’s hands, careful to avoid what he knew to be stupidly sharp claws.
“Hey, don’t-don’t do that,” he said, pulling the claws out from the skin and awkwardly holding his hands to that he didn’t dig his claws in his skin again. “Hurting you is my job,” he said in a weak attempt at a joke. Zim didn’t react, instead opting to stare at the way Dib was holding his hands.
“What are you thinking, spacebug?” Dib asked eventually, looking at Zim worriedly. It wasn’t common for the invader to be so quiet. In fact, Dib could probably count on one hand the amount of times he was this quiet.
“Why?” Zim croaked eventually, raspberry gaze flicking up to look at him (or at least that’s what Dib thought happened- he still wasn’t perfect at figuring out where he was looking out of disguise). Dib blinked.
“Why what?” He asked. “Why am I here?” He asked. Zim shook his head.
“Why do you care?” He asked.
Dib froze. Why did he care? He should have taken advantage of the fact that his worst enemy was clearly having issues and used that to his advantage. Zim had barely moved since he got here, which meant he was probably weak, so it’d be really easy to get him out of the way permanently.
But… looking at the down trodden irken, Dib couldn’t bring himself to do anything. He couldn’t muster up any emotion other than sympathy. Maybe it was because he knew this pain as well. His father had brushed him off more than enough times for him to know this kind of pain.
But admitting that would mean admitting to Zim that he had a weakness.
“B-because that’s what earth rivals do!” He said eventually. “If-if our rival is feeling bad, we try to help them so we can fight them again,” he explained, half knowing that this was probably going to come back to bite him at some point.
To his credit, Zim definitely looked like he didn’t believe him. But, well, Dib had made this bed, so time to lie in it. “It’s true! We don’t like unfair fights!” He exclaimed. “So… what, uh, what happened?” He asked.
Silence fell over the two as the alien and the teen stared at each other. Zim’s antennae twitched as he seemed to examine Dib. Then, he looked away.
“Computer,” Zim said, voice almost hesitant.
“Ugh, what now?” His computer answered.
“Play… play the recording of the latest correspondence with… with the Tallest,” Zim ordered, causing Dib to look at him in confusion. “And… translate it to English.”
“Wh-what?”
“Again?” The Computer asked. There was a whir as Zim’s big computer screen turned on. “Playing recording.”
The screen lit up with images of the tallest, both of whom looked… annoyed. Looking down at Zim revealed that the alien was now transfixed by the screen.
“My Tallest! Aren’t you looking extra tall today!” Came Zim’s voice from the recording. As Dib looked at Zim, he found the alien mouthing the words in Irken along with his past self. Or at least, he was pretty sure that’s what the alien was doing, since what he was mouthing looked nothing like English.
“Ugh. What do you want Zim?” One of the tallest- the purple one- asked.
“Zim has called to request parts for his next brilliant plan to conquer Earth!” Past Zim said. Dib could almost picture the way he puffed his chest out. The red tallest sighed.
“Fine, fine. What do you need this time?” He asked, clearly wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.
“Well, in order for everything to work properly, Zim needs-“
“Arg! I can’t take this anymore!” The other tallest, the purple one, exclaimed suddenly.
“My Tallest?” Recording Zim asked.
“Purple, don’t.“ The red one said, a warning tone in his voice.
“For the love of irk, Red, we’ve been forced to put up with this for way too long! It was funny at first, but now it’s just annoying!” Purple exclaimed. “Zim, we don’t want that stupid planet! We never wanted that planet!” He said.
“Wh-what? But, my Tallest-“
“Ugh, yeah, you’re right. This is annoying,” Red said. “Zim, we’ve entertained this… charade for far too long. Purple is right. We don’t want… whatever planet you’re on. Never did, never will.”
“Yeah! It’s just a ball of dirt! We couldn’t even turn it into a parking lot!” Purple said.
“My- my Tallest, I don’t understand. Why would you send me here if you did not want this planet?” Recording Zim asked. “Oh! Wait, this must be a joke! Oh, you really got Zim! For a second he thought-“
“SHUT UP!” Red shrieked. “You just don’t get it, do you?” He demanded, his antennae pinned back in anger. “There is no joke!”
“Except for you!” Purple added before shoving what looked like donuts in his mouth.
“Food Drone Zim, listen and listen closely because we will say this once and only once,” Red said.
‘Wait, Food Drone Zim?’ Dib thought.
“It’s actually Invader Zim, my Tallest!” Recording Zim said, the hurt in his voice barely being masked by his forced bravado.
“Food Drone Zim,” Red said, eyes narrowed. “You killed Tallest Miyuki and Tallest Spork. You nearly killed us by sending us into the florpus hole,” he explained.
“Do you know how long it took us to get out of there?! We missed the series finale of “Vortian Apocalypse Now”!” Purple exclaimed.
“Zim, you were sent to Foodcourtia as banishment! Do you know how happy you were that you were finally gone?!” Red demanded. “Finally, we were going to be able to rule in peace, but no!” He exclaimed. “You quit being banished! So we sent you in some random direction in space with the most broken SIR unit ever made in hopes that you would either die, or finally get it through your thick skull that we hate you, but no! You had to land on some backwards planet that you can’t even manage to take over!”
“My-my Tallest-“
“For irk’s sake, shut up!” Red spat. “Nothing you’ve ever done has helped the empire! You can’t do anything! You’re downright useless!” Current Zim visibly flinched at those words, the action causing Dib’s heart to ache.
“We tried so hard to get rid of you! But you keep. Coming. Back!” Red continued. “You never listen to any order we give unless they suit you! You don’t care about serving the empire, just yourself!”
“Yeah! For irk’s sake, I know we’re a race that does everything to further our own successes, but you go so far!” Purple said. “Killing two Tallest, ruining Operation Impending Doom One, almost killing us… all of that was for you’re own good! You’re not normal, Zim!” He said. “And what do we call irkens who aren’t normal?” He asked condescendingly.
“D-defective, my Tallest.” Recording Zim’s voice was small. Much smaller than Dib had ever heard.
“Oh look! He’s got some brain in him after all!” Purple said with a laugh, causing Red to laugh as well.
“But-but Zim is not defective! The Control Brains-“
“Oh my irk, he still thinks that his existence evaluation was at all accurate!” Red groaned.
“You! Pull up the diagnostics on Zim’s PAK. You! Pull up a working PAK!” Purple ordered. Moments later, two diagrams popped up. One was labeled “Zim’s PAK”, while the other was labeled “normal PAK”. Within seconds, it became clear to Dib that Zim’s PAK was… different. He couldn’t tell what was what, but there were some parts of Zim’s PAK that were twisted when they should have been straight, straight when they should have been twisted, and in the case of a few things, pinched off in places.
However, as Dib stared at the images, he noticed something… missing. It was hard to see within the mess of wires and tubes, but a small device that was located within the normal PAK was just… absent in Zim’s PAK.
“Look at this, Zim! Look at how screwed up your PAK is, you defective sewer larva!” Red exclaimed with a cackle, one that seemed to echo not only through the room, but also the recording. “Oh irk, you really are the most defective irken ever!”
“Yeah! You are so defective you actually broke the Control Brains! We had to fix them!” Purple exclaimed. “We actually had to do existence evaluations ourselves! Do you know how much work that is?!”
“B-but, my Tallest! I have-“
“Ugh, can you shut up for more than five seconds?” Red asked. “Good. Okay, so, listen up Food Drone Zim. We’re done with this-this stupid game. With your consistent failure. You’re banished. Like, for good!” He said.
“My Tallest, wait!” Recording Zim said, voice panicked. But Red and Purple didn’t seem to care.
“Yeah! If you ever enter irken space again, we’ll blow your defective PAK up!” Purple said. “At least then you’ll be good for entertainment!”
“ZIM IS NOT DEFECTIVE!” Zim screamed.
“YES YOU ARE!” Red exclaimed. “YOU’RE THE MOST USELESS, DEFECTIVE IRKEN THAT IRK HAS EVER SEEN!” He said. Purple snickered.
“Seriously! If you were actually good at anything, you would’ve taken over that dirtball in minutes!” He said.
“My Tallest- that-that isn’t Zim’s fault! It’s the Dib! He’s-“
“Okay, this is boring. Someone block him from ever calling us again,” he said.
“No! My Tallest, please reconsider! Zim can-“
“Bye Zim! Let’s hope we never have to see your defective face again!”
With that, the screen went black. “N-no! You can’t-“
Recording Zim was cut off as the recording ended, though Dib knew what he would have heard if the recording would have continued. He would have heard Zim begging for his leaders to come back. He would have seen the alien try to call them over and over. How long had it take for Zim to give up?
A small sniffle pulled Dib away from his thoughts. Looking down at Zim, he found that the irken now had tears rolling down his cheeks. Almost immediately, Dib found himself back in his own home.
He heard his father berating him. Telling him that he was wasting valuable time and energy doing something other than actual science. Telling him that if he kept it up he was going to the Krazy House because maybe they could stop him from believing silly conspiracy theories.
He felt Gaz’s arms around him as she awkwardly hugged him in an attempt to help calm him down.
Blinking the memory away, Dib focused back on Zim. This was a homicidal maniac. Someone who didn’t deserve sympathy. But… Dib couldn’t help it. He couldn’t let the alien suffer this alone. So, with a heavy sigh, he wrapped his arms around the irken and pulled him into a hug.
“Un-unhand Zim!” Zim demanded weakly, wiggling slightly. Reaching a hand up, Dib hesitantly began pet the alien’s antennae, much like a human would run their fingers through someone’s hair in order to soothe them.
Apparently, this seemed to be a good thing, as the irken suddenly stopped struggling and instead leaned into the touch, sniffles quieting as he just… laid there. It was almost unnerving to see Zim so calm and lifeless. Dib let out a heavy sigh as he pet Zim some more. He had never been good at comforting others.
This… this was nothing like what he had been expecting. He had come down here expecting some sort of fight. He still had his water gun, his anti-alien spray, his handcuffs, and his new alien knockout gas on his tool belt. Heck, he even had devices in his bag that were supposed to disable Gir and Minimoose (not permanently, of course. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t find Gir and Minimoose cute in a cosmic horror sort of sense).
Instead, he had found an irken who had just been banished… well, re-banished. An irken who was now in his arms and leaning against his chest. It felt so weird, being so close to the alien without being hurt, but as Dib continued to pet the alien’s antennae, he found himself surprised at just how… warm it made him feel.
A feeling which his immediate squashed down because he really did not want to deal with that atop of everything else. Instead, he focused on the feeling of the antennae under his fingers.
It was… odd. Almost hairy. It reminded him of what he imagined a moth’s antennae would feel like. Pausing his pets, Dib’s curiosity got the best of him as he suddenly took one of the antennae in his fingers.
“Wh-what is the Dib-thing-“ Zim suddenly cut himself off as Dib rolled it between his fingers.
“Whoa… it’s so soft,” he muttered to himself, slowly rubbing it. It felt almost like velvet. He moved his hand towards the base and suddenly, Zim went entirely slack.
“Zim?!” Dib asked, eyes widening as he suddenly stopped stroking the antennae. “Shit, I should have-“ He paused as he heard a faint rumbling coming from the alien. It wasn’t a growl, he had heard Zim growl before, and this certainly wasn’t it. No, it sounded more like…
“Are… are you purring ?” He asked incredulously, grinning as the irken abruptly stopped.
“N-no!” Zim shot back, his face suddenly turning… blue? Was he blushing? Reaching up, he was about to touch Zim’s antennae again, but Zim weakly slapped his hand away and growled.
“Okay, okay, I won’t touch it,” Dib said as the irken began to wiggle. Letting him go, he watched the green alien shakily get to his feet and move a few steps away from Dib before he almost collapsed back onto the floor.
Silence reigned once again as Dib shifted slightly, bringing his knees up so he could lay his chin on them. “So, uh…” he trailed off as he looked at Zim, who was now looking away from him. “They’re wrong, you know.”
Zim turned to look at him. “Wh-what?” He asked, antennae pinned against his head. “They-they’re the Almighty Tallest! They’re never wrong!” He exclaimed.
“So, what. You’re just going to accept that you’re defective or whatever?” Dib asked. Zim winced at the moment he said “defective”, antennae dropping.
“If… if that’s what my Almighty Tallest say I am, then… then I am d-defective,” he said, voice cracking.
“Look, man. I don’t have any idea what “defective” means to irkens, but to humans, it means “broken”,” Dib explained. “And you’re clearly not broken so I have no idea why they think you are,” he said.
Silence fell over the lab again as Zim suddenly brought his knees up and rested his head on them, just like Dib had. “… Computer?” He asked. “Explain what… what defective means.“
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” The Computer said. Dib could almost hear it roll its eyes. “A defective irken is a irken who does not follow their designated code. They are often far more independent than proper irkens, and are usually extremely destructive, more so than even other irkens, which, in part, was why Zim was forced to undergo an existence evaluation,” it explained. It’s tone was cold and clinical, and more detached that it had ever been.
“… I feel like I’m going to regret this, but… what’s an existence evaluation?” Dib asked, a knot forming in his stomach. The Computer sighed.
“An existence evaluation is a trial in which an irken who is believed to be defective is brought before the Control Brains, and before you ask, the Control Brains are a group of multi-planet spanning supercomputers, the earliest of which was created approximately five hundred thousand of your earth years ago,” it explained.
“The Control Brains are the absolute rulers of the Irken Empire. The Almighty Tallest rule on a day to day basis, and expand the empire for the glory of the Control Brains, but the Control Brains make the decisions on how the species as a whole are run. They determine which irkens have which jobs and what knowledge, which irkens deserve to be cloned in smeeteries, and if an irken is truly defective,” it said.
“Existence evaluations, like the one Zim miraculously survived-“ Dib’s frown deepened as he saw Zim wince, “- are trials that suspected defective irkens are forced to undergo. In them, the suspected defective irken is brought to Judgementia, where the memories stored within the irken’s PAK are scanned and uploaded for all in the audience to see,” it said. “Then, the PAK itself is looked through. Once that is done, the irken gets the chance to plead their case. If they succeed, they are demoted to waste disposal drone or service drone or some other bottom rung rank, and their genes will never be allowed to join the collective database of all irken genetic codes,” it explained. Inhaling sharply, Dib looked at the ceiling.
“And… if they fail?” He asked worriedly, though he had a horrible suspicion as to what the answer would be.
“Then they are immediately deleted from existence.” Dib shuddered. Zim had gone through this? He had been forced to show his memories to multiple other irkens? When? Before he had arrived? The tallest had said that Zim had already banished, and that he had quit being banished… did this take place before that?
“At least, that’s what was supposed to happen,” The Computer added. “Instead, Zim here is too defective. When the Control Brains went to delete him, he was so defective that it corrupted them. They declared him the “best irken ever”,” it explained before falling silent.
Deciding that it was probably done, Dib started to digest the information that he had been given. The little bits and pieces that Zim had let slip about irken society told him that it wasn’t exactly a pleasant society to live in, but this? This was worse than Dib could have ever dreamed.
Sure, he had known that they were an egotistical, genocidal race who conquered shit because they found it fun. Sure, he had guessed that they had some way to keep their population in line, especially since he doubted all irkens were as seemingly gung-ho about serving the empire as Zim was.
But, for the answer to be brainwashing to the point that, if someone were to go against the brainwashing in ways that were in order to help the empire (or at least were, in theory, in order to help the empire) they were considered defective? That was something Dib hadn’t even thought of in his worse nightmares. And to make matters worse, Zim was forced to go on trial to argue and plead for his life!
Now, admittedly, Dib had been trying to kill him for most of the time they had known each other, but that was different! That was in defense of his home! At least humans had lawyers who would argue for the accused, and they really weren’t nearly as humiliating as what Zim must have gone through.
To be forced to have your memories played out in front of an entire audience of those you knew… to have them watch your lowest points… he couldn’t imagine the horror and embarrassment Zim must’ve felt.
And all because he decided he wanted to conquer a planet instead of… whatever he had been doing?! The thought was sickening.
“What is the Dib-beast thinking?”
Zim’s almost hesitant voice pulled Dib from his thoughts. Honey-brown eyes snapped upwards as he looked at the irken, who was almost back to being curled up on the floor.
“Huh? Oh,” Dib said, face heating up as he realized he had probably been staring at the irken and spacing out for several minutes. “It’s just… irken society is seriously fucked up,” he said.
“Eh? Irken society is not “fucked up”!” Zim growled. “It’s efficient!” Dib rolled his eyes.
“Zim, you’re considered useless because you’re not brainwashed properly,” he pointed out. “You literally had to defend your existence because you aren’t brainwashed- how is that not fucked up?” He asked, ignoring the way Zim winced at the question.
“Zim… Zim was not ben… he wasn’t help… it’s his fault!“ He exclaimed. “Zim’s just… usele-“
“No!” Dib exclaimed before the alien could finish. Before he could even think about what he was about to say. “Zim, holy shit, no!” He exclaimed. “None of this is your fault! It is not you fault that-that they want some brainwashed… sheep!” He said before groaning and rubbing his forehead with his hand.
Was he really about to say what he thought? … yeah. Yeah, he was. And it was going to bite him in the butt, but damnit, he had needed this said to him during his fights with his dad before.
“Zim, and I’m only going to say this once and I’m going to regret it so for god’s sake listen, you’re not useless. You’re fucking brilliant,” he said. “You build things- amazing things- within days with just the things you see around you. You come up with things no one else could, and you build them,” he said. “If anything, they’re the useless ones who can’t see that you’re actually a goddamn genius!” He exclaimed. Finishing his rant, the teen watched as the alien stared at him in what looked like shock before a normal cocky grin overtook his face.
“So… the Dib-stink has finally recognized Zim’s greatness?” Zim asked. He sounded just as cocky as normal, but Dib couldn’t help but feel as if there was some sort of… hope within his tone.
“… I recognize that you are… an intelligent enemy,” Dib admitted after a moment. “You’re certainly not… whatever they said you were.”
“The most useless, defective irken that Irk has ever seen,” Zim repeated almost immediately. As if he had memorized what the tallest had said to him. Dib’s eyes narrowed. Zim had never had a photographic memory (except when it came to Dib’s screw ups). But… now that he thought about it. Hadn’t the alien been mouthing his own words alongside his recording?
“… Zim, how many times have you watched that… correspondence on repeat?” Dib asked, a sickening feeling forming in his stomach. The alien let out an almost nervous sounding laugh.
“Just once or twice!” Zim said. Dib squinted as he saw the irken’s antennae twitch.
“Computer?” He asked, causing Zim to stiffen, panic flashing in his raspberry eyes
“Computer, don’t you dare-“
“Two thousand two hundred and eight times,” The Computer answered flatly.
“Two thou- Zim, have been watching that on repeat the whole time?!” Dib demanded.
“It took him two weeks of nonstop calls to stop calling the Tallest, but other than that, yes,” The Computer said. Zim practically shrank in on himself as Dib turned his horrified gaze to the alien.
“Zim, have you eaten? Slept? Drank?” He asked worriedly. Zim let out a weak scoff.
“Dib-thing, irkens don’t need to do any of that,” he said.
“So, no. You haven’t.” Dib groaned. Well, that would explain the weakness. “Okay, come on, spaceboy,” he said, pushing himself to his feet before walking over and scooping the alien up in his arms.
Man. He’d never get over how light Zim really was.
“H-hey! Unhand Zim!” Zim exclaimed as he began to wriggle. He didn’t really do much though, which was really a bad sign. He could have brushed the weak attempts to get out of the hug off, but this?
“Not a chance, roach,” Dib said, grunting as he fought to keep the squirmy irken in his arms. “I’m not letting you sit and die,” he snapped. Marching over towards where he knew the elevator up was, he glanced up.
“Minimoose?” He asked.
“Nyah!” The moose called as it floated down towards Dib and Zim, who had apparently exhausted himself already.
“Zim can eat pizza, right?” Dib asked.
“Hey! Zim is right here!” Zim snarled weakly, causing Dib to look down at him.
“Okay, then Zim, can you eat pizza?” He asked. Zim, as predicted, stuck his tongue out.
“Like I would tell you anything!” He said.
“Yep, figured. Anyways, can he?” Dib asked, turning his attention back to the moose.
“Nyah!” Minimoose said, bobbing up and down. Dib smiled at the creature.
“Okay, cool. Do you think you could order some for us? And Gir, I guess? There are still sodas in the fridge too, right?” He asked. Minimoose bobbed up and down once.
“Nyah!” They said before floating off to go order the pizza.
“Thanks!” Dib called before stepping onto the elevator.
“… Zim does not like this,” Zim muttered as they began the ride up. Dib rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, well, you’re going to have to deal,” he said. “I’m not letting you wither away,” he stated. Zim huffed.
“Zim is not going to “deal”,” he muttered. Silence reigned for a few moments. “… nectar.”
Dib blinked. “Huh?” He asked.
“It’s… it’s what irkens drink when they are… weak,” Zim mumbled quietly. “Zim… requires it.”
Dib blinked, eyes widening in surprise as the irken looked away. Zim had just admitted he was weak, albeit in a round about way.
That call had fucked him up more than Dib had originally thought, hadn’t it?
“Oh, uh, okay,” he said quickly once he realized he had probably been silent for too long. “That’s… actually really cool. I thought your tongues looked like weird hummingbird tongues…” he muttered, doing his best to appear nonchalant. Zim scoffed.
“Irken tongues are much more sophisticated than your bird of humming’s tongue,” he muttered. “Much more efficient.”
“I don’t know,” Dib said. “They literally die if they go like. Four hours without food. They kind of have to be efficient,” he explained.
“Well, irken- eh?” Zim cut himself off and looked up at Dib in confusion. “They die if they do not eat within hours?” He repeated as the elevator stopped and the doors opened.
Adjusting his grip on the alien, he shrugged. “Yeah. Trust me, I don’t know how the heck they managed to survive as long as they have either,” he said, stepping out. “Which way?” He asked. Zim pointed in a direction, which Dib followed.
“Is that why you guys eat so much sugar, then?” Dib asked curiously, doing his best to ignore the fact that Zim was clearly a lot weaker than he let on. Twelve-year-old Dib was screaming at him to run. To take advantage of this, and expose Zim once and for all.
“… yes,” Zim admitted quietly. “Irken diets are high in glucose,” he said. “But, we can eat other foods.” Dib hummed.
“Huh. That certainly would explain your love for any and all candy,” he said. “So, besides the glucose thing… are you guys herbivores? Omnivorous?” He asked.
“Irkens are… eh, what you earth creatures would call obligate herbivores,” Zim explained as they came up to a sealed room. Wiggling slightly, Zim reached out and placed his hand on a scanner, which opened the door.
Stepping inside, Dib was met with the sight of boxes upon boxes of food. “Whoa…” he breathed. “Is this all irken?” He asked.
“Most of it,” Zim said. “Some of its from earth. Some of it is vortarian- I think there’s a case of meekrobian soda in here somewhere,” he explained. “There. That’s the nectar,” he said. At that, Dib looked down and saw Zim pointing at an open box of honey colored liquid.
“This is crazy…” Dib muttered as he approached the nectar. He had figured that Zim probably had a stash of alien food somewhere, but this was crazy. As he shifted Zim so the alien could grab a couple bottles, Dib frowned.
“So… if this is just food, why is it sealed with a handprint?” He asked curiously. Zim huffed as he pulled the bottles to his chest.
“Why do you think?” He grumbled. “We should leave before he notices this is open,” he added after a moment. Dib blinked.
“Before who… oh.” Understanding hit him as he suddenly paled. He quickly walked out of the storage room, only pausing to let Zim close the door.
“Gir?” He asked.
“Gir,” Zim confirmed.
“Hiya!” Gir exclaimed, dropping from the ceiling suddenly and causing both Zim and Dib screech in surprise.
Gir, being the… eccentric robot he was, just blinked. He stared at the pair for a while before tilting his head. “Is mastah sick?” He asked, pointing at the nectar Zim was holding.
“… yes?” Dib tried after a moment. Immediately Zim grumbled in his arms.
“Zim is not-“
“Oh! Okay!” Gir responded before toddling off. Dib watched the robot vanish down the hall.
“You know, I can never tell if he’s terrifying or cute,” he said, beginning to walk towards the living room. Zim snickered.
“He should terrify you, hooman! He’s a weapon of mass destruction, designed by top irke-“
“Come back piggie! Get in my head!” Gir ran past them suddenly, holding a stuffed pig in front of him as he ran.
“… he’s terrifying,” Zim said after a moment. “He’s Gir.” Dib nodded sagely as he continued to walk.
“He is Gir.” Entering the living room, Dib made his way over to the couch, placing Zim down. Grabbing the TV remote off the floor, the teen walked back to the couch.
Sparing a glance at Zim, he watched as the alien struggled with one of the bottles. “Here,” he said, reaching over and carefully prying it out of Zim’s hands.
“Hey! That’s Zim’s!” Zim whined as Dib grabbed the lid and twisted it, popping it off. “Give it back!”
“I’m just being nice, sheesh,” Dib muttered, handing the bottle back. Zim snatched it from his hands, the ferocity of the action causing a little bit to spill on Dib’s hands.
Almost immediately the teen lifted his hand to his face to sniff it. To his surprise, it didn’t actually smell like anything. Curious, Dib licked his hand where the nectar had spilt, and almost immediately, he recoiled and gaged.
He had only tasted a couple drops, and it tasted like he had eaten spoonfuls of pure sugar. It was so sweet it made his jaw ache.
Zim started cackling at this, pointing at Dib and kicking his feet. Shoving himself to his feet, Dib quickly made his was to the irken’s fridge, grabbing a can of fairie, he practically chugged it.
“Ugh, that was awful!” He exclaimed once the taste was out of his mouth. Setting the soda down, he immediately pulled the water gun out and used it to wash any remaining nectar from his hands.
“What did you expect, Dib-stupid?!” Zim asked as Dib finished and returned to the couch. “Irken nectar is nectar from the heiflamma flower, which is also known as the sweet ache bush,” he explained. “The sweetest plant in the galaxy!” He bragged.
“Yeah, it lives up to its name,” Dib agreed. “Man, I didn’t know something that sweet actually existed,” he said. Zim snickered before he suddenly chugged the nectar.
It was almost impressive how fast he did it. The look on Zim’s face when he finished the drink was one of relief. It was the look of someone who had just had their first drink of water in hours.
Deciding it was best not to comment on it, Dib turned his attention to the TV. Grabbing the remote from where he must have accidentally dropped it on the couch, he turned the device on.
And immediately had to turn it down as the sounds of a poop cola commercial exploded out of the TV. He slapped his hand over one ear and his wrist over the other as he pressed the mute button.
Gir must have been the last one to use it if it was that loud. That thought was proven right as Dib turned the volume down to something reasonable. The commercial switched to that weird show he knew Gir watched. Thankfully, he had it muted so the gremlin didn’t know it was being watched.
Switching it over to Intermovie, Dib began browsing the alien movies. He had a feeling that the alien would get a kick out of them.
“What on irk is this?” Zim asked as Dib settled on the “Lifeforms from Venus“.
“Shitty sci-fi movie,” Dib answered.
“What’s a psy-fee movie?” Zim asked, face scrunched up as he tried to replicate what Dib had said. Dib blinked at him in surprise.
“You don’t know what a sci-fi movie is?” He asked.
“Of course Zim knows!” Zim snapped, antennae pinning back. He snatched another bottle of nectar and twisted the cap off. “Zim just wants to know if you know,” he said.
“Suuuure,” Dib drawled, rolling his eyes. “A sci-fi movie, or science fiction movie, is usually a movie that deals with stuff humans haven’t invented yet. Like time travel, interstellar travel, sentient robots… that sort of stuff,” he said. “Also they tend to have really, really terrible looking aliens. Little green humans and shit,” he explained.
“Eh?! There are other aliens here?!” Zim exclaimed, antennae pinned against his head. Dib snickered.
“No, spaceboy. You’re the only alien on earth,” he said. “These are what humans think aliens might look like,” he explained. That seemed to calm Zim down.
“Good,” he said as he began to drink his nectar.
As the movie progressed, Dib was having far more fun then he’d like to admit. Seeing Zim’s reactions to things was way more entertaining than he had thought. He was invested in the movie- more so than Dib would have ever thought. This of course led to Dib becoming invested.
They were so invested in fact that neither of them realized the pizza had arrived until Minimoose levitated a couple boxes in front of them.
“Nyah!” They said, dropping them on the table and breaking the pair out of their spell.
“Oh- shit, I forgot about that,” Dib admitted as he paused the movie.
“Dib-thing!” Zim growled. “Why did you pause it! The hoomans were about to lose!” He exclaimed. Dib rolled his eyes as he reached forwards and grabbed a slice of pizza.
“Food’s here,” he said simply before shoving about half of it in his mouth. Zim gave him the most offended look Dib had ever seen.
“Dib-beast. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen,” he said. Dib shrugged.
“‘s goof,” he said around his giant mouthful. Zim hissed in response, scooting as far away from him as possible.
“You’re disgusting,” he said, reaching forwards and grabbing his own slice to nibble at. “Hit play so Zim doesn’t have to hear your disgusting chewing noises,” he muttered.
Smirking, Dib did what he was told.
By the time the movie had ended, the pizza was mostly gone, and Zim was looking a lot better than he had been. He wasn’t as pale, and he was back to flailing his arms like a madman when he was loud.
Dib wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he honestly was enjoying himself. Which is probably why he put the second one in the series on. “Lifeforms from Venus Two: The Terror Returns”. At some point, he had let it slip that there were eight of these movies, and to his surprise, Zim had insisted they watch all of them.
So, they did. Hours ticked by as they watched the second and then third movie in the series. However, as the third movie progressed, Dib couldn’t help but become more and more curious.
“So… what are you going to do now?” He asked as the credits began to roll, looking over at the irken.
“Eh? The Dib said that this series’ movies are plentiful! The great, mighty Zim demands to see another movie!” Zim demanded. Dib rolled his eyes.
“I meant now that you’re, uh, banished,” he asked. Zim’s antennae drooped.
“Ah. Zim... does not know. Most banished irkens simply remove their PAK,” he admitted. “Most… defective irkens are encouraged to do the same.” Dib’s eyes went wide in horror.
“Okay, no. I’m not going to let you do that,” he stated, deciding right then that he was going to spend the night here to keep an eye on the alien. He may not have know much about irken biology and what not, but he knew their PAKs needed to stay on.
“What else can Zim do?” Zim asked, sounding almost hopeless.
“Anything!” Dib exclaimed. “Your leaders say you’re “defective”, but really that just means you’re free to do whatever you want. You could stay here and… I don’t know, continue living, go become a space pirate, lead a rebellion against the irken’s, start your own empire, join me and help protect the earth and hunt for cryptids…” Zim looked at him with a curious expression as Dib trailed off.
“… take over earth for Zim?” Zim asked after a moment. Dib groaned.
“I guess?” He said, earning a triumphant grin from the irken.
“YES!” Zim exclaimed, leaping to his feet before he violently stumbled sideways, clearly off balance. Rolling his eyes, Dib leaned over and caught the alien before he fell over.
“How about you don’t go back to attacking the earth,” he suggested blandly. “Do something else with your time?” Zim snorted.
“Zim has spent too long on this dirtball to let it go,” he said.
Silence fell over the pair as they stared at the TV, which was now playing “Lifeforms from Venus Four: The Terror Returns Again Again!” Dib glanced at the TV before he pulled his phone out. Shooting a text off to Gaz to tell him he wasn’t coming home that night, he almost jumped when he felt Zim shift ever so slightly so that their knees were touching.
“… Zim will think about what he will do,” Zim said after a moment. “But, for now… Zim demands we watch more movies.” Dib couldn’t help the grin that formed on his face.
“Sounds like a plan, spaceboy.”
As the movies continued to drone on, and the moon began to set, Dib found himself more content than the had been in a long time. He knew that, soon, Zim was going to try to take over the world again, but, for now, the alien was content to yell at the stupidity of humans and the fake aliens on screen.
It was that yelling that eventually lulled the teen off to sleep. Seconds before exhaustion won, however, Dib heard a faint voice.
“… thank you .”