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"Yes, love ... but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. I knew that feeling of love which is the essence of the soul, for which no object is needed. And I know that blissful feeling now too. To love one's neighbors; to love one's enemies..."
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
— — —
Sitting comfortably on a black leather recliner, Natasha Romanoff pondered drizzles and why on Earth it was raining when they were almost four weeks into her favorite season. Winter. It was winter and the spy wanted snow. Cold, white snow to cover the city of St. Petersburg, where she was currently staying due to a mission... Or at least a storm instead of freaking drizzle.
She was still caught on those mundane thoughts when her phone came to life somewhere by her side. She quickly grabbed it and saw it — a message from Clint. A very short one for that matter.
We got the dealer. Work's done.
A small smile played with the corner of Natasha's lips as she placed her phone back on the small table that sat right next to the recliner.
Once again, she had done her job perfectly. Natasha gathered the information on some idiot who was trying to sell biological weapons to the Koreans, so Clint and some other S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent could finish the deal and take the guy down. As always, they succeeded.
Natasha stood from her recliner and was about to take her bag that was already packed so they could all head back to S.H.I.E.L.D.s headquarters when her phone beeped again. And it was Clint again.
Our flight was set for tomorrow. 07:00 hours. Enjoy your night off.
Natasha frowned. Why on Earth they would stay the night? They never stayed after their job was done. What the hell was different now?
Curiosity got the best of her and Natasha called Clint as she headed to the bedroom of the place she was staying — an apartment that belonged to, mind you, S.H.I.E.L.D.. Clint answered almost instantly.
"Hey, Tasha, did you get my message?"
"I did. I did and I do not understand why we would waste time here, we have nothing else to do..."
"You're seriously complaining that we're having a night off after working non-stopping for three days? You're such a workaholic," Clint said humorously and Natasha just rolled her eyes. "Hill contacted from the helicarrier and said they're currently in Hungary, dealing with a dirty bomb that, according to Hill's words, 'could wipe the population of China off the globe', so we're gonna have to use the jet, though there's a storm coming, and we're grounded for a while..."
"That's just... terrific."
Being a highly skilled Russian spy slash assassin slash S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent, Natasha wasn't used to having night offs. She operated on two modes: working and alert. The idea of having something close to ten hours free seemed foreign to her... So much that she could almost consider it vacation.
"Yeah... But please, hold your enthusiasm, Tasha. It's way too overwhelming."
Clint's words had hints of a joke and, this time, Natasha indulged a small smile that she knew would be perceptible in her voice.
"Good night, Clint. Enjoy your night off, but not too much."
She heard Clint chuckling on the other end of the line, "Good night, Tasha... See you tomorrow."
Much like everything in Asgard, the place in which Loki was being held captive was also made of gold. He wasn't locked in a cage or a prison of any sort; in fact, the god of Mischief was pacing along the length of his own bedroom but still, he still felt like he was imprisoned.
Loki then remembered the glass cage he was locked in Midgard and couldn't help but feel like this room, despite all the differences, was being used for the same purposes. To keep him away from others. But, unlike his prison in Midgard, this room in Asgard was more effective. For reasons that just wouldn't leave Loki alone. No matter how hard he tried to forget, how hard he tried to shove all those thoughts to the back of his mind and lock them all behind thick heavy doors, there in Argard, he would always be reminded of everything... his life that turned out to be nothing but a great lie, an act, a scheme from the people he loved...
All memories that place brought back were hitting the dark haired god with the strength of — in the lack of a better comparable — Hulk. Painful memories... And Loki deserved it all.
If he could go back in time and do things differently, he would. He would do it in a heartbeat. Everything. From the moment he learned his nature, when he occupied the throne of Asgard up until now, Loki would have made different choices. Wiser choices... But he couldn't. He couldn't go back in time, and he couldn't take it all back.
He finally stopped pacing and let his body fall tiredly on the black leather couch. Loki let his head fall back with his eyes closed. He felt as if he was embraced by great and deep sorrow while millions of questions and doubts flooded his already distressed mind.
Why was I taken to this place? My old room... I certainly do not deserve to be here, amongst those whom I did so much harm already...
Is this some kind of new punishment?
No. Thor would not do such thing... because he is the golden son of Odin.
But why Thor would not take me to a prison cell outside the golden palace and away from every Asgardian that lived there? I fail to understand his motives...
But he didn't.
Even though he tried to ignore it with everything he had, Loki understood why he was there and not where he truly belonged.
Because, despite everything he had done, despite the destruction that he had caused, to Jotunheim, Midgard and Asgard even, Thor still considered Loki family.
Family. What does that even mean?
Loki let out a deep sigh and straightened up, fixed his eyes on the window that was open and he contemplated the sky as Odin's words echoed in his ears once more.
In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the temple and I found a baby. Small for a giant's offspring. Abandoned. Suffering. Left to die...
It was like there was a hand inside his chest, squeezing his heart and Loki had suck in a deep breath.
He was abandoned. By his own kind. Left to die by the hands of the Asgardians, but instead...
You were an innocent child.
Loki suddenly feels the need to fix his eyes on the ground. Everything's spinning and threatening to veer out of his control.
He ran both hands through his inky hair while looking at his feet. It would have been so much easier if Odin had just left him there. If he hadn't taken Laufey's son with him... Then Loki wouldn't have disappointed Frigga and Odin All-father. He wouldn't have done what he did. He wouldn't have nearly destroyed Midgard... No. He would be dead.
You're my son. I wanted only to protect you from the truth.
Loki rubbed his eyes with his hands as they started to sting. How could Odin, the All-father believe he could get away with that? There is no hiding from the truth. Nor sheltering from it. Because the truth would always prevail, isn't that what people say?
He shut his eyes closed, in a failed attempt to make it all vanish, but what he got was to see Odin's face and hear his voice over and over again.
You are my son...
And that was it.
Guilt came crashing upon Loki and he just couldn't take any of that anymore. It pained him to sit in his room, knowing that Thor and Frigga and Odin were somewhere near him... And they still cared about him. After everything he did, they still loved him. Sure Loki loved them more dearly than anyone else, but... how could they?
Loki quickly stood up and started to pace once again. He felt like those walls were closing in on him. He felt like he was suffocating in that place, the skeletons in his closet were now haunting him and he just needed a break.
That's all he needed. A break from all that. And, before he could think about a place to go, he was already there.
About an hour later, Natasha had changed her work-suit into a pair of dark blue sweatpants and matching long sleeved shirt, fixed herself some hot chocolate and was sitting on the bigger couch with a blanket lying on her lower body as she absent mindedly went through the pages of "War and Peace".
It took her a little while to give up on her failed attempt to read anything and she finally dropped the book and took the mug in her hands.
Stupid time to be stuck in St. Petersburg. Saint freaking Petersburg! Out of all places, Fury needed to send her back to Russia. And let her there for the night!
Natasha sipped from her beverage before letting out a tired sigh. She wasn't one sentimental chick but being back to the place where she was born, the place she learned how to be... who she was now... She didn't feel comfortable. If anything, she was fighting to keep her shit together. All because of Loki...
Placing the half empty mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table, Natasha changed into a lying position on the couch. Loki and his mind games... It was only after the NYC incident was done and Thor had brought Loki back to Asgard and all the Avengers disassembled for the time being that Natasha realized how her little encounter with the god of Mischief had bothered her.
She was supposed to trick him, play his game so he could reveal the information the Avengers needed. And she did it. Once again, she was flawless and succeeded. She used her skills and made Loki tell her, without even realizing what he was doing, the reason why he allowed them to capture him so easily. But, this time, the victory didn't come without a cost. Natasha had tricked the trickster, but Loki got into her head as well. And he was doing one hell of a job even now with haunting her thoughts.
That bastard!
Natasha let out a deep, rough growl as she shut her eyes closed for a second.
She could see the smug dark haired god in front of her once again, bringing back her ghosts from her past and having so much fun... She could hear his voice, talking about how he was going to make her best friend kill her... She could even feel his presence in the room...
Natasha's eyes snapped open and she sat bolt upright. She could feel him. Hear him. See him.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Standing only a few meters from where she was, there was him. The very same creature that had been haunting her every thought and making her head one miserable place. Loki.
Natasha was too busy being mad at Loki and him being there that she didn't notice that the drizzle had turned into rain and the fat drops of water were falling merciless outside, hitting the glass windows as if trying to break it. She only focused on the man standing in front of the big window, and her eyes were only gazing his back; she also didn't notice Loki's reflex on the window and how his features were so completely different from when they met in New York.
"I said," she hissed violently as she stood from the couch and, with two long steps, reached a book shelve and pulled a gun from its hiding place. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Natasha knew better than to ask how he got there — he was a freaking sorcerer — or to fool herself that a gun would stop him from achieving whatever goals he had in his sick and twisted mind — he was, after all, a god — and she'd seen enough to know that a bullet wouldn't kill him, but she had hopes that it would buy her some time to figure out some plan...
But there were other questions roaming over her mind. How the fuck he got there? He looked like Hannibal Lecter when Thor took him... How did he escape? How Thor could let him escape? Sure, she knew the god of Thunder cared about Loki but really? How did Loki got out? Again?
Natasha was trying so very hard to understand how this was possible; she was trying to figure a way to let Fury know that the crazed god was back, to let everyone else know that Loki was back when she heard his voice, and it pulled her from her wanderings.
"Last time I was here, I did not pay attention... I suppose my mind was— clouded..."
Natasha kept her eyes locked on Loki's back, since he hadn't moved any other muscles than the ones necessary, but she couldn't help but frown. He didn't pay attention? His mind was clouded? What the hell he was talking about?
"There is something quite poetic, though... How the water is pouring, washing all the— filth and dirt that happened to be in the air... on the ground... all around... Don't you think, Lady Natasha?"
As soon as Loki addressed the redhead, he turned in his heels so he was facing her. And what she saw surprised her.
Natasha Romanoff wasn't easily surprised. In fact, she could not remember the last time she felt the shock of being caught unprepared for something. But, once again, Loki did it. He threw something her way that she would had never seen it coming.
She looked him in the eye and saw something so... strange, so unexpected, so— un-Loki that almost made her jaw drop. Almost. Somehow, she just widened her eyes at the sight and managed to put her poker face back on. Natasha would die before let Loki play with her mind again.
"Don't even think about it," she half-said, half-whispered, tightening her grip around the weapon.
But whether her words caused any effect on Loki or not, she would never know. The dark haired man just stood there, looking at her with the same look in his eyes. Perhaps, he looked a bit sadder now... and Natasha frowned inwardly as she thought about that.
What is his plan?
Then a soft chuckle could be heard. It didn't sound genuine though, Natasha pondered. It sounded forced. With hints of... pain?
What the...
"I do not blame you," Loki said; the ghost of a smile playing on the corner of his lips, but it wasn't reaching the eyes and it didn't seem threatening. "In fact, I do recognize that, what I did was more than enough to trigger this kind of reaction... especially from you."
Damn right he had it coming! Geez, if she pulled the trigger on him, that would still be reasonable enough and no one would question her motives! So, why she didn't do it? She was an assassin. A killer, so, why she was still with her finger resting against the trigger but not with strength enough to fire?
"But... I mean to do no harm," Loki said softly. "Not right now. Not anymore."
Natasha heard his words. She heard what that vile creature had to say and she heard how he had said it; his voice sounded warm and — oh boy, she'd be damned — honest even. And his eyes... man, his green eyes were boring this expression that Natasha was pretty sure that caused her heart to skip a beat.
Her heart was skipping beats because of freaking Loki! Jesus, Natasha knew she was messed up, but she never thought she was that messed up.
Loki killed a bunch of innocent people, terrorized millions of others, manipulated Clint and Dr. Selvig for his amusement, brought an army of alien-like creatures that destroyed half of New York City... Geez, what else? He was responsible for Coulson's death, he threatened to kill her! So, how the fuck her heart was skipping beats over him?
Loki was a monster. He had blood all over his hands... Innocent blood. But then again, how different was the god with magical powers from herself?
And there she was again... Reviving ghosts, digging through her past, poking on wounds that weren't healed, and all because of the goddamned creature in front of her.
From where he was standing, Loki could perfectly see how Natasha's features changing by the second.
First, he saw what he believed to be awe. Natasha always had that cold look in her eyes but, while he looked at her, he noticed that brick of ice melt into something much different. It was warmer, perhaps... perhaps something more friendly. But that didn't last longer because, in a blink of an eye, that friendly expression was replaced with something slightly harsher, and Loki knew that too. He knew it all too well.
He could tell, even though she had been quiet for a few moments now that, inside her head, there was something going on. Something huge. Something loud.
Loki knew for a fact that Natasha Romanoff, the Russian spy, highly trained assassin, was fighting a tough battle inwardly. He knew because he was going through that as well. All the time, but especially right now.
Then her eyes were boring into his; like, if looks could cause harm, then Loki would be in trouble right now. Her eyes were cold, threatening, accusing and, even though he deserved every bit of that, Loki felt a twinge of pain shooting through his body. Because he was causing pain to someone else. Again...
Is it even possible for me to change?
Loki let his head drop and he stared at the floor. It was made of some dark and cold stone and the god of Mischief stared at it as if the answer was engraved there and all he needed to do was to look carefully.
But it wasn't. It wasn't so simple. He wouldn't get an answer to his question just like that... in fact, he doubted there was an answer to it. Maybe the answer was no. Just no. He would never change because it was his nature... He was a monster after all, wasn't he?
Loki felt as if he was punched and, suddenly, it was hard to breathe. He had to suck in a deep breath and blink a few times. Was it really the wisest thing to do, to come here? Come back to the very same place he had sought to destroy? Look for the very same person he swore to kill? What kind of creature does that? Oh, right... he did.
Loki finally moved and took another step forward. A tiny and hesitant step Natasha noticed, but still, she held her ground, and her weapon.
"I... I would like to... apologize."
Once again, Natasha did not see that coming and she blinked a couple of times, only to be sure she wasn't dreaming or anything like that.
Did he just say what I think he said? Did he really...?
"I do not expect you to accept my apologies," Loki continued as he took tiny steps forward, and even though Natasha's brain was screaming, yelling at her to take the shot, she didn't do it. Instead, she lowered her weapon, but kept some safe distance between the sorcerer and herself. "I recognize what I did; all the hurt I caused is... beyond redemption but..."
Loki's voice trailed off and, in all honesty, so did Natasha's thoughts. She was literally stuck halfway between believing his words or silencing him forever.
Was it even possible? Loki feeling— guilty? It sounded so unlikely, even in her own head... How real that could be?
"Would you mind?"
The man's voice made Natasha snap out of her trance and look at him again. She seriously needed to get her thoughts under control... she could get killed so easily if she was busy wandering.
Natasha then noticed what Loki was talking about when he asked her if she would mind; he was standing in front of the very same couch she'd been lying a while ago. By now, Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow was way beyond the past the point of finding anything shocking, so she just waved a hand, indicating that no, she didn't mind at all...
"Thank you," he said, shortly before sitting on the edge of the beige couch. Natasha just followed him with her eyes before finally leaving the place she'd been standing statuesquely until now and walked to the armchair, directly across from where Loki was sitting. She didn't sit, though.
Loki didn't mean to scan Natasha's place, but he couldn't not notice the book that was lying on the seat next to him. Ever so slowly, he reached out a hand and took it.
"War and Peace," he said as he brushed the cover with his lean fingers. Loki opened a small, sad smile and, once again, Natasha felt something happen inside her chest.
Oh, for the love of...
"What are you doing here?" Natasha asked once again. "How did you get here? What do you want?" Loki hadn't answered and she needed answers... But, as she fell silent once again, Natasha noticed that her voice sounded harsh, even to her own ears. Her words were all drenched in hatred, and it had cutting edges...
The silence that stretched when Loki didn't answer right away... it was unsettling. Natasha chose to ignore her stomach dropping inside her own body as she caught a glimpse of Loki's green eyes.
It's just the adrenaline, she told herself over and over again. It is just the adrenaline...
Loki should have been deaf to not hear the disgust and pure hate build in the redhead's words and stupid to not know what it meant... And he'd need more than his tricks to convince himself that the pain that took over his chest was going to fade.
No. He had come here with one purpose; he didn't just drop by the Russian assassin blindly. No, sir.
"How do you do it?" he asked.
Natasha felt a shiver going down her spine as she felt Loki's green eyes fixing on her. She convinced herself it was because of the cold weather, after all, it was winter, but, deep down, she knew it wasn't that. She knew it, but didn't admit it.
"How do I do what?" she retorted rather acidly.
"How do you... cope?"
If Loki was aiming to enlighten Natasha, he failed. The redhead only knitted her brows together and stared at him like he wasn't speaking English, but some foreign language.
He shifted slightly on his place, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "You said it yourself, you have— red in your ledger... How do you cope with this constant reminder of your choices and acts? How do you do that?"
Involuntarily, Natasha looked away from the god. He was bringing back the talk they had, when he was locked in the glass cage, in the helicarrier; he was bringing back something she wanted to forget.
Loki didn't miss Natasha's response to his question; it had been too obvious and too strong for him to let it go. "I apologize for I am being intrusive, but..."
"I don't."
Loki let his apology hang in the air when Natasha interrupted him, though she was still not looking at him, which made him come up with another round of excuses.
"I meant, I don't cope. Every thing that has anything to do with my past... I don't cope with any of it."
The words rolled out of her mouth before she could think about what she was saying. Natasha finally looked away from the windows and, instead of paying attention to the rain that was still pouring outside, she was looking straight at Loki, and she felt strange.
She didn't know what triggered that reaction; she figured it could have been the soothing sound of the rain hitting her window, lulling her into some kind of peaceful state of mind, or perhaps it had to do with the fact that she was back to Russia, which was her homeland, no matter how hard she tried to forget about it... or it could be something entirely different. Whatever it is, all that Natasha knows is that one minute she's staring mutely at nowhere and trying to shove all of her demons to the back of her head, and the next...
"I don't fool myself, make-believing that it'll all disappear, or stop haunting me wherever I go... Because it won't happen. It won't..."
"But it affects you."
Natasha fell silent for a moment. Loki wasn't asking. He was stating.
"Just like what you did affects you, too," she replied; but, despite the bluntness of her words, they came out rather softly. Almost...sympathetically.
"So, how—" Loki began to ask, but Natasha suddenly cut him.
"How do I live with myself?"
He nodded.
He nodded and Natasha took a deep breath.
"I try not to think about it," she said after a handful of seconds considering her words. "In my line of work, compartmentalization is a job requirement."
Loki gave her a short nod. He didn't fully comprehend how she could do that. He couldn't stop thinking about how much he'd done wrong. How selfish, spoiled, reckless he had been... His actions, lately, reminded him of Thor, before he was sent to Midgard, stripped off his power... What was with that planet that seemed to affect everyone?
If anyone told Natasha that a few months after the New York City incident she would be in an apartment, talking to Loki, in a rather peaceful manner, she would most definitely laugh at this person. Because obviously this person would be insane.
Loki. The man who was entitled to be the god of Mischief, a trickster, who tried to destroy Earth and all its population, the man who didn't give two shits about humans and all... There was no way she'd have any friendly conversation with that crazy lunatic. Although, there she was.
Sitting in an armchair. In Russia. Looking at the rather distressed god. Empathizing with him!
Holy hell, what is the matter with me? He's supposed to be the enemy... right? So, why he looks so... vulnerable? And why do I care?
"If there was no suffering," Natasha said softly, getting Loki's attention back. "Man would not know his limits. Would not know himself."
There was this moment of silence in which Natasha felt really uncomfortable. Loki had bore his eyes onto her. Has Loki ever been this good looking?
Really, Natasha? Now you're crushing on him as well? Really?
"I am no man," he says, but his voice is shaken. "My nature... is of a monster."
A monster.
Natasha shivers with those words. She had called him a monster. And, right now, she deeply regretted doing so.
"You're not a monster," she tells him, speaking so softly that she can't even recognize her own voice.
She was looking deep in Loki's eyes, but he looked away, purposely avoiding her. "I am..."
"No, you're not." Moved by impulse, Natasha stood from the armchair and walked towards Loki, taking a seat right next to him.
The sudden proximity made Loki look at the woman by his side, though his eyes were void of emotions, Natasha noticed. They were blank.
"You regret what you did," she said once his eyes were fixed on hers. "You made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But not everyone regret it... You're not a monster."
Loki heard Natasha's words very attentively. They were soothing, hopeful, reassuring even. He wanted to believe in everything she'd said but...
He blinked and looked away before standing.
"You're mistaken." Loki took a few steps away from the S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent and, once again, stood in front of the window, facing the lights of the city beyond.
The apartment in which Natasha was staying was on the 20th floor of a 23 floors building so Loki had a fairly nice view from the streets. He couldn't help but think this was a beautiful view, especially with the rain... it gave the place a poetic beauty.
By then, whatever reservations or doubts that could still be lingering in Natasha's mind were gone. The man with dark hair before her was not Loki, the god of Mischief, the villain which caused mayhem a few months ago... No. The man she was seeing right now was Loki. Just Loki. And he appeared to be just as fragile and vulnerable as a child, and that was no act.
Loki wasn't playing any devious games or tricks now... What she was seeing was genuine. No one, not even Loki would be able to fake those things.
"Look, Loki... I know I've called you—"
Natasha had stood up and started her way towards the god, but stopped on her tracks when he spoke again.
"Respectfully, this has nothing to do with anything you have said... Although you weren't wrong."
Loki's words weren't threatening or harsh in any way. They were just cold and flat... and, for some reason, they hit her straight in the stomach. She knew what he was feeling. It was something that she didn't wish to anyone, not even Loki. He felt helpless. Hopeless.
"Loki..."
"Do you know who I am?" Ever so slowly, Loki turned around and fixed his eyes on Natasha's once more. What she saw, made her hold her breath for a moment. "Do you have any idea what I am?"
Loki's eyes bore into Natasha's and she couldn't come up with any answers. She was still too astounded by what she saw when Loki turned and faced her. His eyes. His green eyes were now empty, dull, almost— lifeless. Natasha felt her heart constrict inside her chest as she fell silent.
"In Asgard, I am the monster mothers tell their children about... I am the son of Laufey. Laufey, the king of the Frost Giants, which makes me a Frost Giant... Odin's enemies. Asgard's enemies... I am a monster."
The way he said that. Those last four words... Natasha had to suck in a deep breath. Without noticing, her high walls were tumbling down right before her eyes. Because of Loki.
Natasha always thought that, if such thing ever happened, it would be Clint. She always believed that, if there was someone in this world that was capable of bringing down Natasha's defenses and make her... feel again, this someone would be Clint Barton. The Hawkeye. And not... But then, Loki wasn't from this world...
Natasha took a step forward, narrowing the space between herself and the dark haired man. "No, you're not."
"I am!"
"NO!"
Natasha didn't mean to raise her voice, but Loki had raised his and he didn't look like someone who would listen. She inhaled deeply.
"Stop. Saying it. Just stop." Loki opened his mouth to argue but Natasha glared at him, which, surprisingly enough, kept him quiet. "You are not a monster. I once said you were, but I was wrong. So you made some poor choices in you life... Big woop. Everyone have stains on their sleeves. No one's perfect. No one. And as for you being... Laufey's son, a— Frost Giant, whatever it is... that doesn't matter. It. Doesn't. Matter." Once again, the dark haired man had given signs of protesting so Natasha took another step forward, invading Loki's personal space. "It is not only nature that defines who you are... it is also nurture."
"I—"
"Don't. I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen now. You grew up with a family. You had and still have a loving family. Thor cares about you deeply; he is your brother and he loves you as suck and I'm damn sure your parents cherish you just as much, probably even more. So you've been— adopted. Many people are adopted here and they all turn out just fine because it is not only nature that defines someone's character... It is also nurture. Look at me. I lost my parents in a fire which almost killed me too. But somehow, for some unknown reason, I was rescued. I was saved. And I grew up to be what I am today. That little girl who almost died in a fire grew up to become the Black Widow. A highly trained assassin... I was taught to kill people. I killed many people I have lost count, and I'm not even a— Frost Giant descent. My mother was just an ordinary woman, just like my father was an ordinary man. I had nothing in my DNA that would define me as a killer. Nothing. But now..." Natasha made a pause and she was suddenly aware of how close she was to Loki. They were only a few inches apart... and the air had suddenly become thicker.
"You're not beyond redemption, Loki."
"I destroyed half of your city," Loki admitted bitterly.
"That doesn't—"
"I was responsible for Thor's banishment... I almost killed my father!"
At first, Natasha felt a bit startled with Loki's mini outburst. He was very serious when he said those words. Serious and hurt. Everything about him suggested distress. The turmoil emanation from his body was almost palpable... But then, she heard something. Something that, despite his harsh words, made her ease her own posture and indulge a small smile.
"What are you smiling about?" Loki asked; he had noticed that odd reaction of hers.
"You just referred to Odin as your father," Natasha commented. "That has to count for a lot."
Loki sighed loudly and turned his back to Natasha.
"It is not that simple..."
"It never is," she replied kindly. Natasha pondered her next movement for about half a second before reaching out a hand and placing it on Loki's back. "But it's not that hard either..."
Loki felt his whole body tense up when Natasha's warm hands touched him. In all honesty, he wasn't expecting this at all.
He had come to Midgard with the purpose of talk, to find a way to deal with this onslaught of emotions that were driving Loki insane...
"It is my f—"
"Don't!" Don't do it. Stop blaming yourself... Look, if you want to learn how to cope with it, there are three things you have to do. First, you have to regret it."
A few brief seconds passed before Natasha heard Loki's faint voice again.
"I already do."
"Second, you apologize."
"I already did."
"Not to everyone."
"I will..."
"Once you do, mean it."
Loki glanced over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the redhead behind him. "You did not believe me? When I apologized to you?"
Natasha didn't have to think to answer that question. "I did. Otherwise I'd have shot you..."
For the first time since he appeared, completely out of the blue in that apartment, Loki smiled. And, although it was a strained smile, Natasha noticed it looked genuine... It made her smile again. And she felt something inside her chest – unusual warmth.
"That would not have caused much damage," he told her; hints of amusement playing with his words.
"Probably not... But I would still have tried it."
They both shared a brief moment of laughter. Neither Natasha nor Loki could ever imagine such thing happening, but there they were. Two very different people that were supposed to hate each other, getting along. Talking like two civilized people, sharing stories, smiling, laughing together...
Then their laughs subsided and Natasha remembered a quote from the very same book that she'd been looking at after Loki appeared. It was like they were living the lines of that book, and it said: "For a few seconds they looked silently into each other's eyes, and the distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable."
Inadvertently, Natasha held her breath. She couldn't look away from Loki. She felt trapped inside those deep green eyes. They were no longer empty, dull, lifeless... Quite the contrary; Loki's eyes were now deep, interesting, they were so lifelike.
Her heart was jumping inside her chest, spreading a very welcome warmth all over her body... She had never felt so alive until right now.
Loki couldn't look anywhere else but to Natasha either. It was like her blue eyes were magnets and he felt this undying attraction to her. He hadn't noticed until recently but Natasha was so beautiful... Her blue eyes, fair skin, red curly hair, those lips...
Something had changed. To both of them, something had changed and it had been inevitable.
After a while, looking wasn't enough anymore. Ever so softly, Loki brushed his knuckles against the smooth skin of Natasha's cheek and she instantly closed her eyes.
His touch was cold, but she liked it. It was soothing and, holy hell, so magnetizing and she couldn't help it... She tilted her head slightly, longing for more of his delightful touch, almost resting her head on to the man's hand.
Her simple gestured was the little push that Loki needed to cup her face with both of his hands and brush his thumbs against her full lips.
Natasha snapped her eyes open when she felt his strong hands holding her. Staring right back at her, was Loki. But, at the same time, it wasn't him.
The man standing right in front of her was not the Loki she knew. He wasn't the cruel man that the Avengers had to deal with and he wasn't the broken man that showed up in her apartment...
"Do you believe that, someday, somehow... they will be able to forgive me?" Loki asked; his voice as loud as a whisper.
Natasha swallowed hard. All of a sudden, her throat was dry. "I believe so..."
Loki let one hand leave Natasha's face so he could brush a strand of her red hair behind her ear. "Will you... be able to forgive me, Lady Natasha?"
Her name sounded so amazing in his voice; it crawled into her skin, burning its way to her soul. Her eyes fluttered for a moment when her heart skipped a beat.
"I already did," was all she could whisper as her hands flew to his hips and grabbed a fistful of his Asgardian clothes as she tiptoed, sealing his lips with hers.
The feel of Natasha's lips over his, her hands holding tightly onto his clothes, her intoxicatingly good scent, it all hit Loki and he went numb for a couple of seconds, until he felt the tip of Natasha's tongue running across his lower lip, begging for entrance, which he willingly granted.
Loki's hands soon left Natasha's face and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him as their tongues avidly explored each other's mouth and taking in every bit of it.
The synchrony they had, the chemistry between the two of them was something other-worldly.
Though, other-wordly or not, it didn't alter the fact that she still needed to breath in order to stay alive. Natasha let go of Loki's clothes and, very much against her own will, placed them on his chest and pushed him away, ending their kiss.
Loki held back a frustrated moan and rested his forehead against Natasha's. He could feel his blood running twice as fast through his veins, his heart was pounding beneath his ribs, and he could feel a strange warmth in his stomach that was never there — ever.
Never in his life, Loki experienced such thing. No woman ever had this effect on him and he seriously doubted someone would ever have. Although, there he was. With only one kiss, Natasha had stripped him off whatever protections he had build around himself. She had disarmed him, physically, mentally, emotionally... And admitting that she had done so, scared the shit out of Loki because he knew, right then and there, that Natasha Romanoff had the power to break him to pieces...
A shiver ran down his spine at the thought that he was at mercy of the Black Widow. She wasn't called that for nothing — Loki knew she had earned herself the nickname, and he had to swallow hard. How did he get himself in that position anyway?
But, whatever doubts, questions, fears that could be filling his mind with obscure thoughts soon vanished when he noticed her breathing was ragged. He wasn't the only one that had been deeply affected by their kiss. Loki smiled inwardly feeling particularly good; he had caused that on Natasha.
Then his inward smile grew bigger when he felt her hands gripping onto his dark leather coat and pulled him to her again.
It was like they had done this forever. Loki seemed to know what, how and when to do everything while Natasha's hands trailed his lean, toned body with expertise, like she had known it all along.
Loki then wrapped his hands around Natasha's waist and lifted her a little. In the process, he pulled her shirt just a few inches, though those few inches were enough. Despite the heat that had suddenly taken over the room, there was still winter and a cool breeze hit her newly exposed skin, making Natasha moan against Loki's lips.
"Loki..."
Her voice was dripping lust and need and, as soon as his name escaped her lips, Loki's brain went numb for a moment. He pulled away just enough so he could look at Natasha, his mind still not processing anything. In fact, he was nearly dead to the world right now... He wasn't hearing anything but his name, echoing in his ear, being uttered by that sexy voice. He wasn't seeing anything but the gorgeous woman he had in his arms. He wasn't able to speak, to breathe, to do anything.
Her lips moved, but Loki couldn't hear it. It was like his heart was pounding in his ear and all he could hear was his own heartbeats, and how strong and loud they were...
What is she doing to me? It's so... scary and... good at the same time... What—
Then her hands, her soft and warm hands cupped his face and she forced him to look at her.
"Loki..."
She had only said his name, still, Loki felt like she had done more than any woman. Ever. He loved how his name sounded in her voice. He loved how she looked at him right now. He loved the touch of her hands. He loved her body against his. He—
Once again, his whole brain went blank. He loved her? He loved her? No... It couldn't be that... How the hell was that even possible? Not an hour ago they hated each other! Hell, she had pointed a gun at him! Sure, it wouldn't have killed him but that doesn't alter the fact that she had a freaking gun pointed at him! And he could still see the weapon, lying on the armchair, right behind her!
Natasha was slowly freaking out with that sudden — and much unexpected and very unwanted — reaction. Loki was still holding onto her, but he was as quiet as a dead body and he had this odd look in his eyes that she didn't like one bit to acknow...ledge.
"Oh, crap..." Natasha cursed mentally; she had followed his blank stare and notice he was looking straight at her gun. He wasn't even blinking and she had a pretty good idea why — he was silent, though she was sure that, inside his mind, things were getting pretty loud...
Natasha's hands were resting on Loki's chest, but she soon brought them to the man's face again and, holding onto it, she placed her lips over Loki's.
It worked. She was trying to snap him out of whatever state of mind he'd been trapped into and she succeeded. Loki blinked a couple of times as he fixed his eyes on to Natasha's.
"Do you remember that I told you there were three things you'd have to do?" she muttered the question, brushing her thumbs softly against Loki's cheeks.
"Yes," he whispered back.
"The third one is to let go..."
Loki's arms loosened their hold around Natasha's body and she felt her heart dropping a few inches inside her chest.
"I meant, you need to leave the past in the past," she said quickly. Her heart was racing inside her chest. Something about Loki's hands resting on her hips was making her nervous. He could push her away... and she didn't want that. "Stop digging through it... Move on."
Loki remained silent for a moment. He was processing what Natasha had told him. He needed to let go. He needed to move on.
Taking a deep breath, Loki's hands left Natasha's hips and he took a small step back.
The loss of the contact with Loki hit Natasha hard. She could feel her jaw dropping open and suddenly, it was hard to breathe. It was like she was standing on the edge of a huge cliff and Loki had just pushed her. She was falling. Hell, she had already fallen for him, but now, she was on free fall and there was nothing on the bottom to catch her...
Natasha stood there. Stunned. It was like she was tossed in a rollercoaster of emotions and events and, right now, even though she had reached the end of the ride, everything was still so confused, like her brain was still holding onto the ups and downs and sharp turns and loops.
Ever since she saw Loki facing her giant window, not a couple of meters away from her, Natasha felt anger, fear, pity, compassion, empathy, desire. She hated him, then she doubted, sympathized, cared for him, and now...
"How far did you go?"
Loki's question pulled Natasha back to reality. "What?"
"You said you did not cope with anything related to your past... How far did you go on those— three things?"
Natasha blinked a couple of times. His voice was calm and steady, and he kept it a low, not louder than a whisper since he was still very close to her. It confused her even more. What was his point anyway?
"I didn't..."
"Can you?"
"Can I what?" she asked slightly exasperated. Natasha was lost. She had no idea what kind of conversation was that anymore... She didn't know what was going on in that man's head..
"Leave the past in the past," he said looking intently in her eyes. "Move on?"
"Loki, I—"
"I need to know you will be there... I need you to be there, for you are the direction I intend to move on to."
Natasha gasped. Did he really say that? Did Loki really say he intended to move on... towards her?
Damn right he did. He did! He said it and he meant it.
"Lady Natasha..."
"Forget— forget the Lady," she said instantly. Her voice was slightly off her normal tone and she believed she had started a little too loud, but she managed now. "I will be there," she said, closing the space between them and locking him tightly in her arms. "I will, most definitely, be there."
Loki let out a relieved breath as he wrapped his arms around Natasha, only seconds before their lips met again.
Natasha felt like the feeling of being on free fall was still there... Though she wasn't falling. She was flying.
— — —
"Some one dear to one can be loved with human love; but an enemy can only be loved with divine love ... Loving with human love, one may pass from love to hatred; but divine love cannot change. Nothing, not even death, can shatter it. It is the very nature of the soul. And how many people I have hated in my life. And of all people none I have loved and hated more than her..."
Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace