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Tup couldn’t breathe, but his lungs filled themself with air anyway. After all the pressure on his chest was only in his head, it was only imaginary, only a chemical imbalance that pulled him down and down and drowned him, soaked him in bleach until he was but a shadow of himself.
The tears in his eyes stung but Tup clenched his fists and pressed his lips together.
It was just one night, one fucking night, he would get through this. Tomorrow would come, tomorrow everything would be okay and the pressure would be gone, he would breathe and laugh, and smile like he means it.
Except he wouldn’t.
Sure, he would breath, inhale and exhale, feel his chest expanding and maybe his lips would twitch on occasions - but he could barely remember his own smile. It always felt unnatural, like pulling the corners of his lips up into a crooked grin without any feelings behind it, without a spark, just wrong and he was freezing.
It was cold, he had forgotten to turn up the heater, or forgotten to eat, whatever. It didn’t matter, not when all he wished was to lean back, close his eyes and die of hypothermia, or starve, or dehydrate.
As long as he didn’t have to wake up again.
He had to though, there was an exam tomorrow, and he had to attend. If he failed that stupid math class he could give up on ever getting a good highschool degree and why would he need one anyway ? It did not fucking matter, nothing did, and his friends would move to another city and forget about him and he would move somewhere else, nobody would know him, he could drown in his bathtub and they would need weeks to find his corpse.
It was a funny thought, a neighbor calling the cops about a weird smell, the “heros” in blue breaking into his apartment just to find his body, rotting in the tub.
Tup, rotting in a tub.
He took a deep breath and got up - lying here would not kill him, but smoking might.
After fumbling around in the dark for a moment Tup found his phone, put it into his pocket before walking down the stairs to grab his jacket, slide into his sneakers and leave the house.
Not like his parents would notice, or worry for that matter. All they cared about were good grades, perfectly polite handshakes at family events and pretty smiles in pictures. It was as if they viewed him as an accessory, back when he’d been a girl they would buy pretty dresses and “encourage” him to dress up whenever an opportunity presented itself. Now they stopped the dresses, but still asked him to wear something “proper” even when his grandmother just visited for coffee.
They did not care about him at all, called him still by his deadname when they thought he wasn't listening, only stopped saying it to his face because Tup’s older brother Rex made them.
Rex would miss him if he were gone, but he didn’t notice him leaving either. Never did, instead had his eyes glued to the screen of his PC, chatting with people over Discord and yelling when something named Yuumi got a kill.
Whatever it was, not like Tup was “manly” enough to play League of Legends with the other boys in his class, and the thought of joining a multiplayer online battle arena game alone was terrifying. So many people, and from what he had heard they were often quite cruel and toxic.
When he wanted to poison himself he could smoke, maybe Tup could walk the longer way and get some wine from the gas station as well? Not like anyone would fucking care, and it was only 9pm, screw the exam, he could just jump of a bridge and if he’d survive he’d have a good reason to not go to school tomorrow.
So gas station it was - and it had started to rain, for fucks sake, smoking in the rain wasn’t fun. Why did everything feel so terrible? As if the whole world decided to hurt him, to fight him, beat him down.
He could feel his breasts as he walked - wearing a binder too long hurt, so he only wore one to school, but now Tup could feel his breasts with every step, heavy and wrong, but at least he didn’t live in Tennessee.
The gas station was a shitty place, old and a bit rusty, but it was close to his favorite bridge and the cashiers never asked him about his age. Although he already had a pack of cigarettes in his jacket, and he had turned 16 a few months ago, so now he could buy wine without worrying.
Sadly though, as he approached the gas station he noticed that the lights were turned off, and no cars stood between the tank columns. There was only one other person there, but he was wearing a hoodie with the hood pulled down so Tup could only speculate if it was a teenager like him, one of the older boys from the town or an adult altogether.
As he stepped closer - he needed to know if the gas station was closed due to changed opening hours - he noticed that the other person was wearing a dark jeans jacket and converse, so they were probably around his age. Also, they were soaked wet, just standing under the foretop without moving at all, and only turning towards Tup as he walked past the person towards the sign at the glass door.
“Opening hours are the same, just too many sick workers today. Should’ve worn masks, or at least asked customers to.”
The other person's voice was rough, but they had approached Tup so it was probably safe to look at their face. He really didn’t need to get beaten up for angering a stranger tonight, although it would be another good excuse to miss his exam.
But no, the other person looked friendly, even smiled as Tup's eyes met theirs - it was a boy around his age with short, black hair and an ugly scar across his face, almost shaped like a V.
“Eh- thanks…”
Fuck, now it had gotten awkward, but else was he to say? The other boy looked intimidating yet lost, his shy smile at an odd contrast to everything else.
“No problem, there is another gas station in H-Town, in case you wanna go there.”
His voice was still rough, but now that Tup had overcome his shock it also sounded warm, despite his wet clothes, dirty trousers and shoes whose color Tup couldn’t even identify anymore.
“I- I’m sorry but, are you okay?”
Tup forced out, trying to sound more masculine than he usually would. Others would make fun of him for changing his voice, but the strange boy didn’t know how he usually sounded, so he didn’t have to worry about that.
The other just shrugged, before turning towards the closed gas station.
“Just sucks that it’s closed, and I can’t turn up at home like this.”
Yeah, his parents would probably worry about him, ask questions where he went, and “I went to the gas station” was usually not a sufficient excuse.
“We can walk to the other together, if you want?”
Tup asked before thinking it through - he almost never did, something his friends found funny and his teachers hated, but the other boy seemed to appreciate the offer. And an offer it was - Tup would probably walk to the other gas station anyway, he really needed his drink, but he would not mind some company. Everything to stop his mind from running in spirals was welcome, just don’t think, don’t feel. And if the other boy would use the situation to murder Tup, well, at least he would never have to attend a math class again. Or write exams, apply for internships or listen to his family judging him.
The other boy seemed to like the idea, at least he smiled a bit, before shrugging.
“Better than waiting here alone, I guess.”
The boy sniffed before coughing once, twice, and apologizing:
“Sorry, s’ cold, wanna get going?”
Tup nodded, wondering for a moment how long the other had already stood in the rain, before stepping away from the foreroof and onto the street.
Immediately he felt drops landing on his face and he pulled the hood deeper into his face to stay dry for as long as possible - although, getting wet and then sick might be good too. And the raindrops would make him at least feel something, so after a moment he pulled his hood back.
The other boy had followed him, and without saying anything else walked past the big, still glowing sign that advertised the gas station, and down the road.
“Ey, you smoke?”
Tup walked a bit faster to catch up while pulling his hood down again - smoking was at least not completely impossible with a hood in the rain. So with shaking fingers he got out his pack of cigarettes, and after a few butchered attempts finally managed to light one, before offering the pack to the other guy.
The boy took out a cigarette as well and stopped walking to light it while turning his back to the wind and shielding it with his hands.
“I’m Dogma, by the way.”
He mumbled, almost inaudible through the rain, while blowing smoke into the air.
After a few puffs and even more steps, Tup finally found the courage to respond:
“I’m Tup.”
They continued the rest of their walk in almost silence, only the water around them and the occasional cars creating noises, while they stayed quiet.
What would Tup even say - he would never meet Dogma again, it wasn’t as if they’d suddenly become friends, just cause they walked to the gas station together. Not as if it meant anything, not as if they liked each other, they were strangers with a name and a face.
Additionally, Dogma would not like Tup anyway, even if he’d try to befriend him. Dogma looked cool in his dark jeans jacket and dirty converse, his scar gave him an almost scary look, while Tup… was just boring. Boring, and hopefully not alive for enough time to become anything else.
Maybe in another world he could’ve become a doctor or a nurse, actually helping people live a good life while finding fulfillment in his own. He would’ve moved to a big city, rented an apartment with a cute girlfriend, he would’ve worked and she would’ve worked too, or not. Maybe his income would’ve been enough to fund a small family and give his girlfriend the chance to pursue art or literature instead.
But it wasn’t how his life would go, Tup knew he’d barely make it through college. The rent in big cities was way too high, he would never be a real boy so no woman could ever love him, and he wasn’t attracted to girls anyway.
He was attracted to death, and it sounded so pathetic, he almost laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
Dogma looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and Tup bit his lip.
Fuck, could he really say that? But what else should he answer?
Although it didn’t matter, so he might as well be honest.
“I just thought it's a pity that I prefer death over girls. You know, cause I’m gay.”
Maybe he’d get hate crimed now - Tup wondered while adding the last sentence, but to his surprise Dogma just… laughed.
“Yeah, I’d prefer death too, no expectations except eternal sleep.”
Tup smiled awkward, while the other boy added:
“And, I mean, not like we’d get old anyway. Have you seen the new ICCP report? Our world is burning, why live if there is nothing to live for?”
To be fair, if you meet a boy in the rain, soaked to the bones, you should probably not assume they are doing okay. But Tup had always felt so lonely, imagining that someone might be… just like him… it never occurred to him.
But now that Dogma had spoken, it felt like a burden got lifted from his shoulders. He wasn’t alone, he wasn’t the only one feeling like this, there were other people who felt just as hopeless!
“Do you want another cigarette?”
Tup offered eloquently, and as Dogma nodded before taking a smoke out of his pack he could not help but smile.