Chapter Text
Stiles had moved in on a Saturday after graduation. Derek had shown up to support him as well as John. Stiles wished his mother could’ve been there, but having his dad and Derek there to support him made it all okay.
Derek didn’t want to leave the safety of the loft, but he knew that he’d look like a total dick if he didn’t show.
So he forced himself to get a shower and get dressed even though he had no energy to move, let alone get a shower, get dressed, drive to the school, style his hair, or put on his mask of happiness that he had grown accustom to, but for this event in Stiles’s life he would do it.
He owed Stiles that much. He hadn’t gone back out after that. He just couldn’t muster up the energy, since he felt dead inside. What point was there when he lacked emotions? The voices would taunt him at night saying things like “You’re not good enough”
“You’re pathetic”
“Stop crying”
Derek forced himself to eat, not because he liked it, but because he needed food to live. If he didn’t need it to survive, Derek would never eat again because the thought of food made him physically ill. He felt nauseous and he never wanted to eat again, but he had to.
For Derek his time had stopped, and the world continued to move with time without him. He knew he wasn’t actually dead, but he felt dead. He could feel his heart breaking, which was odd considering he didn’t feel any emotions.
Derek felt like he was stuck in slow-motion while the rest of the world marches on at normal speed. Derek finally collapsed into his covers as he buried his face into his pillow.
He sobbed into the pillow as he finally let go and let his emotions come out. Stiles was walking towards his bedroom when he heard the muffled sobs coming from Derek’s room break the silence of the rain in the background.
Stiles immediately got to his feet. He was wearing nothing but boxers as he slept, as he felt too hot to put on actual pajamas. He ran towards the sound, thinking that Derek was having a nightmare.
He slowly opens the door as to not startle him, and he slowly walks over to him. It was shocking to him to see Derek’s face buried into the pillow as the tears poured from his eyes. Stiles gently grabbed his arm.
“Derek, Hey I’m here.” He called out, hoping he could hear him. Derek slowly turned his face to look at Stiles, and Stiles felt his heart break when he saw the redness from the tears in his eyes.
“Oh, Derek!” He gasped, crawling beside him and wrapping his arms around him. He wrapped the blankets around them both as he wiped his tears away.
“Don’t cry, please?” Stiles begged, embracing him in his arms. Derek soon stopped sobbing and fell asleep. Stiles sighed and cursed under his breath. He had cried himself to sleep. Stiles soon fell asleep against Derek, cuddling him for most of the night. Derek woke early at three the next morning to feel something wrapped around his chest.
Confused, he slowly opened his eyes to see Stiles cuddling him in his sleep. He didn’t want to wake him, but he wanted to get up. So he slowly moved Stiles’s arms as he slowly crawled out of the bed. It hadn’t stopped raining, but somehow it was comforting to Derek.
He slowly walked out into the rain, not even bothering to bring a jacket as he stepped out into the cold rain. He breathed a sigh of relief when he stepped out into the fresh air, and he felt the rain drench him completely.
He walked away from the house, wanting to just get out of here.
He found himself walking away from his loft for the first time in three months. He was a little apprehensive about leaving his home, but he just needed someone to talk to, and he didn’t want to wake Stiles.
He found himself at Stiles’s old house when he finally stopped walking. He considered knocking on the door, but he couldn’t muster up the energy to move his hand.
So he just sat on the ground and curled in on himself as the rain continued to drench him. It was around an hour later when he felt a hand grip his shoulder.
“Derek.” The voice called out in the rain. It was then that Derek realized that he was being covered with an umbrella.
“Please come out of the rain.” The voice belonged Stiles’s father John. He offered the young man a hand as he slowly grabbed his hand and stood. Derek remained silent as John practically pushed the younger man inside.
When he turned on the light and could properly see the first thing he noticed was that Derek had been crying.
“Let’s get you into some warmer clothes, okay?” He begged the young man. Derek didn’t say anything as John grabbed his shoulder and pulled him towards the closet.
“Come on Derek, you’ll freeze if you don’t grab something to change into. Please.” He was trying not to scream, as screaming at a man that was like this would not help. Derek eventually moved and grabbed some clothes that would fit, and he took off towards the bathroom.
Eventually he changed out of his wet clothes, leaving them on the floor as he slowly stumbled out of the bathroom. When he eventually did go to the living room John had realized that Derek hadn’t said a word since he found him.
He grabbed his phone and handed it to him. Derek looked at the screen.
It read,”Do you want to talk?”
Derek could hear the light rain outside as it hit the windows of the house. He looked up at John’s face to see genuine concern on his face.
“Its…hard.” He finally spoke after many months of silence.
“What is?” John asked, offering him a seat on the couch. Derek sat awkwardly to the side of him as he continued.
“Living when you don’t feel anything. It’s hard, moving through the world, when you feel like your time has stopped, when everyone else’s time continues to march on. It’s hard to live, when you feel like you’ve died.” Derek hadn’t meant to tell him so much, but he felt that he could trust the sheriff so he told him some of what he was feeling.
“You’re not thinking of…” John’s voice trailed off, but Derek knew what he meant. He thought that Derek was telling him that he wanted to end it all.
“It’s also torture knowing that obviously you’re alive because your heart is beating. It’s maddening feeling like you’re moving in slow-motion while the world is moving at normal speed. It also doesn’t help when you feel inadequate because of the voices telling you that you’re worthless. It’s hard forcing yourself to eat because the thought of food makes you ill and you’d rather not eat but you do because you need it to survive. But most of all it’s hard putting on a mask and saying “I’m fine” when you really want to say “help me”.” John was speechless. This was the most Derek had ever said to anyone.
He was depressed, and John was going to snap him out of it because Stiles needs him damn it!