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it was an elaborate plan. at least in haechan’s mind, it was.
in fact, the microphone he held could not hide any bit of pride he had for his little scheme. the subtle elbow hitting his side made him straighten up, looking away from the evident glare burning the back of his head as the nerved boy beside him stared at his toes. yet, he was only hoping for a certain someone’s pair of eyes to at least lend him a look. but he knew it was obviously not that easy, at least not at the moment. or ever that day.
touring was always fun for the members, at least from how it was the first time they did it years back. currently, it was still fun if not more tiring than usual. the changes were overwhelming, from the bigger venues to shared lines and new choreographies, plus various languages needed to learn for the different countries they were bound to visit. the enjoyment of being together was that single motivation that cancels out the tiresomeness of meeting the people who have been supporting them from then and now.
every show they’re reminded of the ones who live their lives yet find comfort in their group, the eyes of the same people who support them nearby or from afar.
yet to jisung, these gazes stuck on them could definitely deflect with one wrong move. with one wrong step. with one wrong act that could ruin what they want to see.
the limelight, it was dangerous.
over the years of being on the limelight, the boy has basically seen every single thing fans want from them. when the applause louden at a certain move, he’s keen to do it again for them. when they scream at a mere high five between him and chenle, his head involuntarily nods in acknowledgement. when they signal a heart towards him, he’s sure to give one back.
he understands what the people like. and it was easier than not to accept, that sometimes it wasn’t in line with the thing his chest beats quicker for aside from his initial love that is dancing.
he’s reminded of it every time their eyes meet in between shared laughs. he bathes in the feeling of complete happiness when the latter’s fingertips dare to even touch him in front of crowds that possibly would not agree. his heart swells whenever they’re paired together, not minding the numerous times they’re paired with someone else.
he’s reminded of jaemin. and how half of the world would rather see him with someone else.
.
.
“what’s up with you two?”, haechan once brought up mid-rehearsals— sensing the awkward air between the group-exclusive lovebirds. jaemin strided over to another side, feigning innocence as he approached mark who seemingly wanted to question it as well. and before the youngest could do the same, a hand hooked right at his arm and pulled him for a seat.
“talk, maknae.”
ideally, haechan would be the first person he’d talk to.
except when it’s relationship advice.
because if there was something he learned from years of being around the now 22-year old boy, it’s that he was definitely good at something. which is pining. the same thing he’s been at for more than a year, and the world can surely guess for whom.
haechan has zero intention of hiding it, not even as his eyes wandered over to the hoodie-d member engaging in a conversation with the same person the boy beside him was complaining about.
“so we… decided to take a break,” the boy’s words snapped him out of his thoughts.
“break? you two? you and jaemin decided that? over fucking fan-” he paused as he scanned the area, making sure no one was overhearing the conversation. despite jisung sharing it with him, he wasn’t entirely sure if the others were supposed to know. “over fucking fanservice, jisung?” he continued in a whisper.
the other twisted his lips before heaving a sigh, struggling to find the right words to reply.
“it’s not just that, hyung. do you have any idea how much seeing him with… people,” he breathed out before continuing, “sucks?”
“you can say ‘renjun’, i’m not blind.” the older one mumbled with a small snort. jisung wanted to protest that it wasn’t just renjun, but somehow it felt wrong. being jealous was never a thing he dealt with well. he didn’t like how it felt, and he definitely didn’t want to feel it with his members who are all just good friends with his boyfriend. and him.
but that wasn’t the problem, it wasn’t. their friends aren’t. it was his inability to make fans like him for jaemin. it was the lack of attraction people felt the two of them have towards each other that made him feel stupidly scared and insecure. he was painfully in love with the very person who taught him how to be, yet nobody could see it.
on the other hand, haechan felt a small sense of relief. it was odd, but somehow he found comfort in knowing his jealousy wasn’t something only he felt. acknowledged that it was probably stronger on jisung’s side considering the circumstances, but it was nonetheless a huge thorn out of his throat. his gaze moved over to jaemin, who was coincidentally staring back in return as his hand found the top of jisung’s head. the expression almost made him snort, appalled by how he could almost see himself reacting the same way if done to the fox-like lad who stayed oblivious.
taking in all the information, his lips curled into a smile with an idea in mind. it was petty, even his own head agreed. but it was worth a shot. and maybe in the end, everybody wins.
.
.
“jaemin’s gonna kill you,” renjun murmured once while they grabbed their microphones and had to attach it to themselves. other members were either already done or still finishing up make up to join the two. haechan looked up in fake confusion, despite knowing the other could definitely see through the facade.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied in whispers. his lips formed an innocent smile, to which renjun could only roll his eyes at.
“you think pushing his buttons won’t be your personal hell, donghyuck?” the mention of his name almost made him fold. but he looked away instead, hiding how his cheeks flushed at the mere sound of the other saying his real name.
“jaemin’s way too secured about jisung’s feelings for him to even be bothered by my presence, he’ll be fine.”
and that’s what he actually thought. he turned to help the smaller one with the mic, ignoring his gaze at him as the latter cleared his throat.
“then what’s the point of your little scheme?” renjun asked in a more hushed voice.
“what scheme?” he continued to deny, raising both eyebrows at the other.
“i don’t know what you’re talking about, renjun-ah.”
the two glanced as steps approached the small area, both of them immediately catching jaemin’s eyes. the boy sighed before averting his gaze, only to be met with jisung who just entered as well.
haechan bit his lip to suppress a smile, celebrating his tiny ray of success before pulling on jisung’s arm softly with a small “come here, baby”.
he searched through the different microphones to find jisung’s, helping him without a word as the other two were completely ignored. at least to their knowledge, not aware of how jisung could definitely feel eyes on the back of his head and he somehow enjoyed it. to only a small extent. it definitely felt selfish to feast on jaemin’s pain or annoyance, but all he could think of was that it somehow felt different to the usual scenario of him staring at the older one being affectionate with someone else.
“let’s go!” haechan cheerfully yelled as he walked away with the youngest in tow until a loud thud stopped him. he felt his heart leap out of his chest in utter shock, and personally— he probably could say he thought he was going to die from the silly incident. looking at the owner of the leg that discreetly tripped him, he let out a small smile in annoyance.
he definitely underestimated jaemin’s possessive nature.
.
.
for different venues they’ve roamed for the tour, fans have anticipated what form of affection jisung and haechan would do next. and if being honest, the members did too. for various reasons.
every stop, haechan has mastered the art of treating jisung with utmost adoration and care that he was sure jaemin’s blood boiled underneath all the facade. and in return, the now raven-haired would then level up any form of affection towards renjun. at that point, it was a domino effect. because then, jisung would react then it’s just a never ending thing between the four. a thing mark, jeno and chenle enjoyed way too much.
in chenle’s words, “you seem more possessive of him now that you’re on a break than when you two were still together”. and if jaemin’s fake chuckles weren’t enough to shut him up then nothing else would definitely work.
“we’re still together,” he murmured right after. sternly. almost shaking chenle who only held his hands up in defeat as he glanced over at jisung who pretended not to hear the conversation while he walked away from the two.
internally, jisung was confused. because chenle was right. among all the members, he was definitely always with his chinese friend. yet, jaemin was never bothered by it. through all the shipping videos. the amount of content they shoot together. and even when jisung’s in a mood where he would rather knock on chenle’s door and talk after a long show. jaemin didn’t seem to mind.
people would say it was healthy, because he was being trusted. he managed to make the older one feel secure about their relationship. but to him, it all just seemed like jaemin didn’t care. these days, it was different. he didn’t get what about haechan was ticking the latter off.
“hey,” his thoughts dispersed as he turned towards the strained voice behind him.
jaemin looked beautiful, in his raven hair that was styled away from his face. originally, the older one wasn’t going to change his hair until later on. yet when he heard jisung was about to get his done, he— discreetly, zoomed into the room and asked them to do his hair next. of course, with the added request of staying in as they dyed jisung’s hair. jeno was also left with them, annoyed. because both would be making conversation with him yet refusing to have one themselves.
“that’s not true, ji…”
jisung blinked a few times, blonde strands falling on top of his eyelashes.
“that we’re still together?”, he couldn’t hide the panic in his voice— eyes widening a bit as he asked. instantly, jaemin shook his head in panic as well.
“no, no. that…what chenle said,” he clarified. the younger didn’t know how to react, because in his head… it was. yet, apparently it wasn’t that way for the other. he wanted to ask, but the look in his eyes proved to be enough of a question.
“is that what this is about, baby?” jaemin caught his eyes despite how much he lowered them.
“ji, are you aware how many times an hour i remind chenle to bring you back in one piece whenever you hang out?”
he wasn’t. in fact, jisung didn’t even know jaemin cared enough to remember who he was hanging out with.
when he wanted to end things with the older one, he said he couldn’t handle everything anymore. and if his boyfriend was good at invalidating someone’s feelings, the break never would’ve even happened. but jaemin was jaemin, understanding and patient. of course he wouldn’t let him end things. instead, he just gave jisung the rest he needed from the draining parts of being with him.
“it’s just tiring, hyung. i’m physically in pain over… having feelings for you. how can i be suffering so much just by being in love with you?”
jisung’s words would always replay in his head every time he sees the youngest. yet genuinely, it didn’t bother him as much as people would expect it to. it felt shitty, of course. but instead of dwelling on it, he wanted to do better. he wanted to stop making jisung feel that way, despite the boy not telling him what was tiring exactly.
and quite honestly, he didn’t like the fact that haechan probably knows. yet, he understands. of course, sometimes it’s definitely better to first tell a friend. for advice.
but jaemin was at least 95% sure, advice wasn’t what haechan gave the younger one.
.
.
“it’s never gonna end because of you two, and jisung’s getting the shortest end of the stick. god knows renjun doesn’t give a rat’s ass what haechan does with ji, but him on the other hand….”
mark’s words ran through their heads the whole show, unsure what he meant entirely. especially since jisung wasn’t around to explain it for them, and even chenle who would definitely know how the youngest’s mind works— didn’t want to comment.
to haechan, mark’s words hit differently. it was as if renjun didn’t care enough to do anything, and it was really just him and jaemin pissing each other off over the two. renjun didn’t care. the thought clouded his mind, distracting him for a while before realising why everyone started squealing. he gave the two his attention, watching their every move with very limited expressions. but like people say, eyes don’t lie. especially not when renjun gave jaemin a cheek peck using his palm.
through the entirety of the show, he was able to keep himself professional and hyper. and if being honest, most of his joy from that day was from simply bugging jisung as much as he could. he could definitely say he understood why jaemin was visibly irked at the thought of him being close to the youngest, despite knowing they weren’t attracted to each other in any way.
“jisung’s so similar to you,” he mumbled towards renjun as they stood next to each other that night. he was still visibly upset, confusing renjun a bit.
“mm, what about it?” he asked out of curiosity. renjun’s heard it a lot before, that him and jisung were alike. it wasn’t because of how they look or act, it was about how their minds work and how they treat people. even when it comes to receiving affection.
“nothing, just pointing out shit.” haechan grumbled, a bit too disprited for renjun’s liking. with a small sigh, he pulled on his shoulder for the slightly long-haired boy to face him.
“what’s wrong?” he asked curiously. with that, the other snorted. unamused at the question before shaking his head in pure baffle, walking away from renjun who immediately walked over to follow him.
“stop following me, renjun.” the taller one mumbled in a slightly warning voice, not wanting to explode in front of him. but of course he didn’t listen as he tailed haechan until they reached the metal doors that would take them to the parking lot earlier than the others.
“i just wanna know what’s wrong with you. you’re less… you.” renjun sighed as he raised his concern, staring at the other who refused to make eye contact.
“gee, didn’t know you cared so much.” his words came out dismissive, fingers fumbling with his phone as he leaned on the stoned wall with his eyes dead tired.
“i do.” he replied quietly. “unfortunately,” he added as he stood next to him. he watched as haechan scrolled through his own hashtag, playing clips from the night. most of it with jisung, and occasionally mark and jeno. if there were some with renjun, it came with laughing emojis about the taller one being dismissed or rejected.
with that, renjun turned towards him.
“do you still not get it?” his voice came a bit louder than his initial tone, yet he was ignored by the other who opted to close his eyes and sigh loudly.
“donghyuck, these relationships are bigger than just us.”
haechan’s eyes fluttered open at the term, something he’s never heard renjun acknowledge their thing as. yet, he didn’t speak. wanting the brow-furrowed boy get to his point as he decided to turn towards him.
“go on.” he murmured, attention fully on him as his arms crossed around his chest.
“jisung and jaemin-” renjun pulled on haechan’s cheek as he attempted to turn away in disinterest, sternly giving him a look. “hear me out,” he added as the other sighed with a nod.
“jisung and jaemin, their relationship. does that shit not scare you? do you understand how much shit jisung goes through for simply being in love?” he asked him.
“of course i do, i go through the same thing every fucking day.” with haechan’s reply, renjun snorted. eyes unamusedly turning into crescents as he shook his head.
“you don’t, hyuck. i do.” the crack in the smaller one’s voice alarmed the other, brows knit together as he watched him in confusion.
“you... there’s someone people want more for you. and that’s not something easily changeable just with mere interactions. it’s engraved in their skulls that he’s who you should be with, do you have any idea how that shit makes me feel?”
silence swallowed the area as donghyuck took in renjun’s words.
the limelight wasn’t easy. eyes all on you. half of them leaving with one wrong move. in haechan’s eyes, the limelight was his dream. he was born to be a star, a lot of people would tell him so as he grew up. but of course, they never mentioned the hard parts. the suffocating parts. the limiting parts where you fear the limelight would leave you because the people wouldn’t want you anymore. because you defied them.
he was always affectionate to his members, because it’d be easier to hide which one he wanted to be closer with. because it gives people the illusion that he treated them all the same. gives people less access to his personal vulnerability. he didn’t realize that it wasn’t enough. he didn’t understand that it still fell short to what he wanted to happen. how he wanted it to play out.
it was easy for him to understand jisung, and it definitely distraught him that he wasn’t aware it was exactly how renjun felt as well.
“you know, jaemin’s jealous of you. he goes on and on about how you get to hug jisung on stage and even kiss his cheek if you want to, how it actually helps ji with his nerves unlike him. but mostly, he’s thankful. the shit you’re pulling helps jisung, despite the everyday pain he suffers from not throwing his shoe at you.” renjun mumbled with a small chuckle, not enjoying how haechan’s been silent longer than expected.
in haechan’s head, he felt the same way. he was jealous of renjun and jaemin. greatly. yet if he was to be honest, he was thankful for jaemin. because he takes care of renjun. he keeps eyes off of them. unlike him who could only get the boy potential hate.
“hyuck, i didn’t say those things for you to feel bad for me.”
renjun’s words snapped him out of his thoughts, finally looking at him with careful eyes. somehow, the other already knew what he was thinking despite not a single word coming out of his mouth.
“i’m just…” rushed footsteps filled their ears as haechan pulled the other over to a farther area, hiding them from the sight of the two who just arrived.
“what do you want, hyung?” jisung’s exasperated sigh matched his tired stance as he faced jaemin whose built hid him from the two.
“renjun explained to me what was wrong and i want us to talk. that game donghyuck wants to play, i get absolutely nothing out of that. you think i enjoy knowing you hate that shit?”
“then why fucking do it, hyung?” the curse word almost made renjun gasp, only stopped by haechan’s hand on his shoulder.
“if you hate it so much, then why do i have to fucking suffer? why am i standing here still in literal pain because my boyfriend is apparently dating every person on that stage except me?”
jisung laughed at his own words, sniffling a bit as he felt the tears well up.
the limelight was stupid. it gives you roles to play, not caring if you wanted to play them. it gives you love. but it also tires you out of it sometimes.
“i don’t know what else i have to do for people to think i’m worthy of your attraction, na jaemin.” he almost whispered, defeated as the older one swallowed him into his arms.
renjun swallowed harshly at jisung’s words, fighting back his own tears as he leaned on the wall beside haechan who could only continue staring at them.
“we’ll figure it out, baby. just trust me, alright?” jaemin mumbled, leaving a peck on jisung’s temple as he listened to him painfully sob on his shoulder.
and a few feet away from them, renjun placed his chin on haechan’s back, resting his temple on the back of his neck. “we’ll figure it out too,” he mumbled as reassuringly as possible.
the limelight gets painful. it gets demanding. it places you in different situations you wouldn’t know how to handle. the limelight is a bitch.