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Bernie stands outside Serena’s house and rings the doorbell, standing back and twirling the carrier bag in her hand. A minute later the front door swings open, but with no one behind it, she steps gingerly into the house, following the sounds of Serena’s retreating footsteps.
“Serena?” she calls softly, following the increasingly loud sobs into the living room.
She picks her way over lego, steps over a mop of dark hair wrapped up in a blanket, snoring softly on the rug, to where Serena is on her hands and knees peering underneath an armchair whilst trying to placate the hiccuping toddler standing forlornly next to her.
“This is all too familiar,” Bernie quips, squatting next to Theo, whose face momentarily lights up before he remembers he’s crying, and starts up again. “There’s a set of lungs on you, mate,” Bernie says, holding open her arms to him. “What’s going on?”
“He’s lost his teddy, and he can’t nap without it,” Serena answers, raising to her knees, face softening at Bernie crouched next to her, Theo clinging on to her jumper.
“Hello,” she says softly, reaching out to touch Bernie’s face. Bernie smiles, eyes crinkling as she leans into the hand stroking her cheek.
“Hello, you.”
A huge wail from Theo startles them back to their surroundings, and Bernie blinks down at him, instinctively curling her arm tighter around him.
“Sorry,” Serena grimaces. “You don’t mind, do you?” she gestures to the toddler now fisting Bernie’s jumper.
“No, no… Oh! I have something that might help with this!” She yanks a teddy comforter blanket from the carrier bag and wafts it at him, talking to him about it until he's calmed down and tentatively smiling through his hiccups. Bernie stands, ruffles his hair with one hand and holds the other out for Serena.
"Raf realised he'd forgotten to pack it, brought it round before the end of my shift," she explains as she helps pull Serena to her feet, Serena looking a bit apologetic for as soon as she's up, Theo demands to be picked up, snuggling into her shoulder. She pulls Bernie in for an awkward one armed hug anyway.
"You're a star. Thank you for this. Sorry. It's just that Raf really seemed at the end of his tether yesterday, what with Fletch not home yet, and all the kids being so different, and him not used to- "
"S'rena," Bernie smiles, and Serena takes a breath. "Of course I don't mind- wait!" she stands back in mock horror. "You're not going to leave me alone with them again, are you?!"
Serena bursts out laughing.
“You survived, didn’t you?!”
“Well, yes, but your kitchen nearly didn't and I don't fancy my chances a second time around. There might be permanent damage, and you might not be as forgiving now!”
Serena raises an eyebrow. “Now what?”
“Now that you’ve already had your wicked way with me,” Bernie smiles coyly, ducking a swat and pulling Serena close to kiss her head.
“I’d probably forgive you,” Serena says as she heads to the sofa to snuggle Theo down with his comforter. “After all, runs in your family, doesn’t it, irresistibility?”
Bernie laughs, then grimaces and mouths an apology as the bundle of blankets on the floor stirs.
“BERNIE!”
Serena rolls her eyes affectionately as Ella stumbles out of the blankets and towards Bernie’s legs, still rapidly blinking sleep from her eyes, but beaming. “Bernie!”
“See,” Serena says, fondly. “Irresistible.”
--
“How is Fletch?” Serena asks, once Theo is fast asleep, and Ella’s busy setting up their tea party.
Bernie rolls her eyes. “You’d swear the man’d been stabbed rather than just had his appendix out. I know he has an infection, but really, he’s been a royal pain in the arse today. Raf looked like he was about to launch him - or himself - out of the window before he left. Good job he loves him,”
“Hmm,” Serena nods absently, then blinks. “Sorry, what?”
“Oh, come on, you must’ve noticed; they’ve been obliviously dating for months - they’re basically us, with kids!”
Serena’s eyes widen, her face running through a series of comedic expressions. “You… You’re absolutely right! Is… is everyone on my ward gay?!”
“Gay A U,” Bernie shrugs, keeping a straight face for seconds before snorting into her mug, Serena following suit until they were both wiping tears.
“All the time I’ve spent preaching about workplace romances, and it’s all happening on my ward, with Raf and Fletch, and me and you, of all people!”
“Of all people?!” Bernie repeats, teasingly, moving closer until she’s crowded Serena against the kitchen sink. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Serena’s eyes flick to Bernie’s lips, who licks them in response, leaning closer. They both jump when the front door rattles with the force of the bangs on it.
Serena groans. “That’ll be Evie and Mikey,” she explains, unnecessarily given the volume of the voices outside the door. She touches her forehead to Bernie’s and her hand to her cheek momentarily, before going to let them in.
Bernie smiles as she leans in the kitchen doorway and watches Serena affectionately chide them as they barrel into the house, shivers as she immediately feels the chill of the open door, then tunes in to the words being shouted.
“What’s that?” she asks, as Serena steps out onto the doorstep. The kids spin around, rosy cheeked and beaming.
“Bernie!”
“It’s snowing! Look!” Mikey’s already upon her, uncrossing her arms and pulling her towards the front door. “It’s proper snowing!”
“It’s snowing,” Bernie repeats, standing in the doorway, peering up at the sky.
“It’s March,” Serena grouses, wrapping her arms around herself. Bernie allows herself to be dragged outside by Mikey, jumping and pulling on her arms. She twirls him around, alternating between looking up at the sky in wonder, and then beaming back at Serena.
“It’s actually snowing!” she laughs.
Evie comes running back out of the house with Ella on her back, eyes wide as she takes in the rapidly falling snowflakes settling over every surface in the fading afternoon light.
“Wooow,” Ella breathes. “Real snow! Bernie, real snow!”
“I know!” Bernie laughs, hoisting her into her arms and twirling her. “Real snow!”
Ella holds out her hands, lets snowflakes land on them, pokes out her tongue like Bernie and Mikey do, claps her freezing hands around Bernie’s face, cackling.
“I never seen real snow before! Did you?!”
“Not for a very, very long time,” Bernie answers.
“That may be, but this could very well be the last you ever see, if you don’t come in and at least get some layers on - Ella’s not even got any shoes on, Bernie, come on,” Serena calls fondly, ushering everyone in, despite protestations.
–
The kids are persuaded out of their wet clothes to warm up a bit and have some tea, Serena reasoning that there’s not enough snow about to make snowmen quite yet, anyway.
Bernie looks out of the kitchen window.
“It’s coming down much heavier now, though,” she says, still rubbing at her own arms. “I should probably head off, before, you know, I can’t.”
The feeling in Serena’s chest matches the looks on the kids faces, and she stands behind Bernie, taking over rubbing her arms, pulling her a bit closer.
“You could always stay, if you’d like? I mean, the children are staying over, and I’m sure they’d love to have you, and maybe you shouldn’t drive if it’s getting worse, anyway…” she trails off as several excited voices chime in.
“You can read us a bedtime story again!”
“PANCAKES!” that last one shouted by Theo, which causes a cacophony of laughs.
“I think I’ll take charge of the pancake situation this time, thank you,” Serena says, looking up at the dark stain on the ceiling, a remnant of Bernie helping Theo to flip a soggy mess of a pancake a few weeks previously, then back at Bernie, smirking. Bernie holds her hands up in deference.
“That boy has the arm of a discus thrower, we ought to be encouraging his talent if you ask me!”
“Enrol him in art school as well whilst we’re at it, shall we?” Serena quips, nodding to the photo tacked to the fridge of Theo’s masterpiece in flour on the kitchen table.
Evie laughs. “He was so upset you messed up Serena’s boobs, Bernie!”
Bernie huffs a laugh, her red face looking anywhere bar at Serena, who she just knows is staring far too innocently at her.
As she ushers the children out of the kitchen, scooting Bernie behind them, she whispers, “I wouldn’t be upset if you messed up my boobs, mind you,” pecking a quick kiss to Bernie’s shoulder and pushing her the rest of the way out of the room with a gentle shove to her arse when Bernie stumbles.
—
“Right! Pancakes are re–eady…” Serena trails off as she stops dead in the living room doorway, mouth agape as Evie and Mikey giggle.
Bernie stares up at her from the floor, eyes wide and shrugging, as much as she can with Ella sat behind her on the sofa still tugging her hair into bobbles, and Mikey holding her hand down on a piece of paper as Theo, tongue poking out in concentration, traces around it with a felt pen.
“It’s snowing, S’rena!” Ella shouts.
“Yes,” Serena says slowly, eyes twinkling. “We’ve established that, so what…” she wafts her hand in their general direction.
“Ah, well,” Bernie starts with a smile, but wincing as Ella pulls her head back into formation. “Sorry, Ella,” she says, automatically, which causes Serena’s smile to widen. “Snow is for Christmas, apparently. So-”
“Bunny twee!” Theo shouts, gesticulating wildly to his piece of paper.
Serena’s eyebrows shoot into her hairline.
“Bunny??” she mouths, shoulders already shaking.
“He’s cutting teeth, Serena, don’t make fun,” Bernie hisses, then turns to Theo with a strained smile. “Remember how we do it? Buh Ehr NIE,” she enunciates, loudly and slowly, smiling at him expectantly.
Serena bursts out laughing. “He’s not a geriatric patient, Bernie, you don’t have to shout it at him!”
Evie laughs. “She’s been trying to get him to say Bernie properly since they sat down. She’s done all the syllables and sung it and everything-”
“-It’s been a right laugh,” Mikey chimes in. “Watch… Theo, is that Bunny?”
The toddler’s face turns indignant. “No! Not Bunny, Bunny!”
Bernie covers her face with her hands, is still groaning when Ella yanks her head back up to twist her hair into an actual Christmas bauble.
“He thinks he’s saying it right, it’s the cutest thing!” Evie continues, in peals of laughter. “Theo, are you doing a Bunny tree?”
Theo stamps his foot. “No, Ebie! I doing a bunny twee!”
Serena suppresses an outright laugh, mirth written all over her face.
“So tell me about your…err… bunny tree, then, Theo?”
“Bunny twee, S’weena, wook!” He grabs Bernie’s hand and puts it firmly down on the paper.
“Saw it on TV,” Evie explains, between laughter. “Use your hand to make a drawing of a tree and then colour it how you want. Keeps him busy,” she rolls her eyes, then blushes under a dual fond gaze from the adults.
“Good thinking, Evie,” Serena winks, causing Evie’s blush to deepen. “But the-” Serena gesticulates to Bernie’s hair, poking out at odd angles with bits of tinsel and baubles balancing precariously in it and around her neck.
“Bernie tree,” Bernie mutters, casting a withering glance at Mikey, who ducks his head but fronts it out.
“Ella wanted a Bernie tree too. She’s more of a-” his face scrunches as he searches for the appropriate word.
“Menace?” Serena supplies.
“Nah, me Dad says like me, like-”
“-an experiential learner!” Bernie supplies quickly, as Serena shuts her mouth on her next comment with some amusement.
“What’s that?” Mikey frowns.
“It’s the very hands-on approach,” Serena supplies, drolly.
His face lights up. “Yeah. I’m sure he said summat else, but yeah! I’m an expert learner, I like it!” He shakes a shoebox at Serena. “Found some deccies you’d left in a box by the tele. I said Ella should make Bernie be an angel for the top, like, but I think she’s goin’ for the whole tree look, actually…”
He tapers off as Serena pins him with an eyebrow. “You don’t say,” she says, drolly, as Ella yanks on a handful of hair and Bernie grunts involuntarily, three bunches of her hair now covered in tinsel and the next one looking likely to light up, if the battery pack still works.
Ella clambers off the sofa and stands, hands on hips, surveying her masterpiece.
“Good tree angel Bernie,” she nods, decisively, then turns to Serena. “I starving. Pancakes, then snowball fight!”
She grabs Theo’s hand, pulls him up to his feet despite protestations, and jumps around with him, until he yanks his hand back, places them on his hips and throws a withering look worthy of Serena so much that the woman in question catches Bernie’s eye and looks away, both of them snorting.
“She’s mine twee too, Ewa!”
Anticipating a meltdown, Serena grabs them both by the hand and marches them to the kitchen. “The tree needs pancakes, and so do you, come on!”
--
Pancakes devoured - Serena a bit overwhelmed and then in awe that Bernie can remember who wants what and stacked up or on separate plates, with toppings or not, pre-empting the toddler tantrums that came with serving the wrong thing at the right time, or the right thing at the wrong time - the children make their way to the hallway. At the persistent shouts as Evie tries to get the younger ones dressed, Serena takes charge.
“Right then, Evie, Bernie, you’re captains, choose your teams…”
“Not playing, Campbell?” Bernie asks teasingly, wiggling her feet into her boots.
“If I’m going to end up on my back, Ms Wolfe, it’s going to be for my own pleasure.”
Bernie’s fingers trip over her coat zip, and Serena crosses her arms smugly, until Bernie eyes up the children already heading towards their chosen captains. “Alright, as Aunty Serena’s already so confident in her defeat, it’s just us!” Her eyes twinkle at Serena.
“Right, you’ve chosen your captains instead, alright, but Mikey, go with Evie, Bernie gets competitive and she won’t care that you’re children in the end, in much the same way that you won’t care she’s old-ouch!”
“Old!” Benrie scoffs, pulling on her boots. “Come on Ella, there’s a war afoot!”
Ella stares down at her feet as she takes Bernie’s hand and is almost dragged out of the door.
“There’s boots on my foots, Bernie, not wars!”
--
Serena stands in the bay window, watching as Bernie and Ella run around one side of her car, and Evie and Theo dodge their snowballs from the other, whilst Mikey, ever the brave, follows them around hurling snowballs until Bernie turns and throws one square into his stomach, causing him to fall backwards and crawl from the bonnet back around to Evie.
“I think we’re in trouble, guys!” he gasps.
When it looks like the three of them are unable to formulate a plan to escape the siege, Serena opens the front door, beckons one of them whilst Bernie coaches Ella and they split up to form a double attack from either end of the car. Evie squeals as the first snowball hits her, runs towards the hedge, Ella in hot pursuit as they fling random handfuls of fluffy snow at each other.
Theo makes a dash for the door whilst Bernie and Mikey are distracted, running rings around the car, ducking as they form tightly packed snowballs designed for maximum impact. A stray snowball smacks Evie in the face, and before Mikey can apologise, Ella’s racing towards him, flinging snow up off the ground with her feet and hands, until he’s on the floor, shouting.
Bernie turns her attention to Evie, who’s just hit Bernie right between her shoulder blades. Evie backs up, hands raised, looking slightly panicked as Bernie turns, a menacing grin on her face as she forms a snowball.
Before she can aim, she’s assaulted by a cacophony of noise and snowballs pummelled into her back. She manages to half turn, arms raised over her face, sees Theo throwing tiny balls at her legs, registers Ella’s betrayal as the four year old flings snow at her, cackling, and Serena, standing behind them with a padded armful of ready made snowballs that she’s lobbing with deadly precision. The split second she takes to process her shocked delight is all it takes for several snowballs to push her back towards the bush, where she slips and several more snowballs hit her until she ends up on her back in a snowy pile of swept leaves, gasping as three pairs of eyes train on her, snowballs ready in their hands.
“Ok! Alright!”
Serena arches an eyebrow, just visible under her Russian hat, lowers her hands slightly, and that’s when Bernie, quick as a flash, flings her hand up, a blob of snow hitting Serena square in the face.
Serena blinks, the silence from the children as heavy as the one caused by the blanket of snow. Until Evie snorts, Theo giggles, Ella cackles, and Mikey holds his hand out to pull Bernie up.
“Call this one a draw then, shall we?” he says, looking between the two women. Serena steps towards Bernie, looking her up and down, face flushed. Her hand comes up, Bernie almost going to lean into her, before she realises, too late, what’s about to happen. Serena squashes the handful of snow into Bernie’s face, dragging her fingers down it as she pulls away.
“Yes,” she says, eyes sparkling. “Let’s.”
--
Back inside and coats shed, Serena gives in to the collective agreement on toast for supper - “very beige food day,” she mutters, until Bernie rummages in the fridge and picks out a jar of jam and a block of cheese.
“Not so beige if we have jam for Evie, cheese and jam smashed together in a sandwich for Mikey, jam on just one square for Ella with a slice of cheese on the side, and just jam on the side for Theo… how’d I do?”
Serena looks at her astounded as all the kids grin and nod. Bernie shrugs as she works around Serena, assembling the pots and plates needed.
“Beige food is beige food, I just remembered how they liked their pasta and their pancakes. Same beige, different sauce. Good memory, not rocket science.”
She blushes under Serena’s fond gaze, kisses Serena on the forehead. “I’ll make my tea with full fat milk and you can dip your toast in it,” she winks, and chuckles as Serena rolls her eyes.
“Children, we are perceived!”
“Mhm,” she kisses Serena on the forehead. “But I take no responsibility for what those two-” she nods her head towards the two youngest Fletchlings, tongues poking out in concentration over the table, “-decide to actually do with their jam.”
Serena blinks as she recovers enough from Bernie’s close proximity to register her words.
“Oh, shi-”
“-taaki mushrooms?” Mikey supplies, helpfully.
“Quite,” Serena replies, drolly. “Baths all round, then.”
Theo snaps his attention from the figure he was avidly drawing on the table. “You bath all of us, Seena!”
Bernie smirks, bumps her forehead against Serena’s. “All of us, eh?”
Evie rolls her eyes as she picks up her plate and leaves the room. “Way too young to be exposed to looks dirtier than them covered in jam, thank you!”
--
With the younger kids bathed - bubble beard Bernie causing many laughs and Serena rather wetter than she intended to be - and the oldest ones having sorted themselves out, they end up all together in the spare room, remembering the promise that Bernie would again read them a bedtime story. Ella snuggles into her side and Theo makes sure at least his foot is touching Serena as she starts telling them the tale of Benaam, the boy who had no name, Mikey and Evie slowly becoming mesmerised by the tale, the cadence of her voice, the way that she smiled softly as she looked at the children and then Serena. By the time that Benaam finds his name, and lives the beautiful dreams, Ella and Theo are snoring softly, Mikey is drifting off, and Evie and Serena are gazing adoringly at Bernie.
“Don’t stop,” Evie whispers. Bernie smiles, eyes crinkling as she disentangles herself from Ella, tucks her in properly alongside Theo.
“That’s the end,” she says softly, shucking her thumb along Evie’s cheek. “Maybe I can find another one, for next time?”
Evie smiles, and Serena beams. “I’d like that.”
Serena shushes Mikey as he makes to move, shimmies him up the bed a bit to tuck him in next to Theo, where he falls fast asleep.
“Looks like you get a whole room to yourself tonight, Evie! Though, maybe I need to get one of those extra king sized beds, for the future!”
Evie smiles as they leave the spare room, heading into Elinor’s. She turns and hugs Serena, then suddenly throws herself at Bernie, squeezing her tightly, then letting go just as quickly, a blush staining her cheeks.
“I like this,” she says, quietly. “Thanks.” She jumps into bed, allows Serena to fuss her until she bats her away with her book. “When you go downstairs, don’t forget to look up, right?”
Bernie and Serena frown, but nod.
“G’night sweet dreams, Evie, love.”
--
Bernie and Serena step into the living room and stop dead. After a few seconds, Bernie heaves a long suffering sigh. “I suppose I’ll get started on the clean up, then.”
“I’ll get the wine.”
When Serena returns, she finds the fire and some candles lit, boxes filled and stacked, and Bernie smiling down at the hand drawings they’d made. She swaps them out for a glass of wine and places the drawings on the mantelpiece.
“This is beautiful,” Serena says, as she wraps her arms around Bernie from behind and rests her chin on her shoulder.
“Mm,” Bernie says, distractedly. She leans into Serena, savouring the wine in her mouth, looking out at the snow still steadily falling under the orange hue of the streetlight, pulling Serena’s arm tighter around her waist. They stare for a while, basking in each other and the warmth of the fire, the unique stillness and silence that comes, even indoors, with the falling of snow bestowing a calmness over them.
“That was a lovely story you told the kids,” Serena says softly after a while.
“We had a child once, in an outpost. Friendly fire,”
Serena squeezes at the disdain in Bernie’s voice.
“We did what we could, before we could get him to the main hospital. His mother never left his side, never stopped talking, singing. She wouldn’t move when we had to operate again to take out his spleen, she just sat there, right by his head, holding him, talking to him, the whole time. I picked up words here and there, and I realised that every day she’d start with the same thing. Her English was as good as my Pashto, but we had a local boy who delivered things, wanted to train as a medic. He told me the story she was reading to her son every morning, and the song she sung to him every night. The prayers she read in between. The rest was… her hopes and dreams for him and nothing she should have had to say, ever. No one should ever have to pray for their children like that.”
Serena keeps silent as Bernie sips her wine, lets her tangle and play with her fingers around her waist.
“It made me want to hold my own kids, but I couldn’t think too much about it at the time, because… well, you don’t, do you, you can’t, because… well… You know. But when I got home, I just wanted to hold them, so close, and… Well,” she huffs a laugh. “I got a bit scared, I think. Once I was home. Didn’t want to bring that world back with me. Didn’t know how to… how to squeeze them into my bones, without squeezing them into my bones if… if that makes sense? It probably doesn’t, but… well… So I told them the story, and read them the prayer once they were asleep, every night I could. But… well… anyway, they got to an age where they didn’t want my stories, they just wanted me, and I think we've ascertained that Maria Von Trapp I was not, so there we are,” she downs the rest of her wine, pulls Serena impossibly tighter. “But there’s a part of me that wonders if I could’ve been, y’know? Maybe I could’ve been better for them. Especially now, since spending time with the Fletchlings… with them and you. What if… Oh, I don’t know…”
She makes to shrug it off, so Serena kisses her shoulder, spins her around and fills up her glass again. “What if you could’ve been Maria Von Trapp? If times were different and wishes were kisses and it was you and I, and we’d had children?”
Bernie blushes a bit. “What was it you said earlier? Children, we’ve been perceived?”
Serena snorts.
“We’re different people at different times, Bernie. Who knows if we’d’ve even liked each other then?”
Bernie looks at her sceptically, and Serena concedes. “Oh, alright. I’d have still aggressively pursued you as a friend because I always wanted that… companionship, that camaraderie with women that I never… well, anyway…”
“...So gay,” Bernie whispers under her breath with a wink, and Serena swats her.
“Not to sound like that, but times were different, and more importantly, we were who we were. We wouldn’t have made any better parents together than we have been separately - it wouldn’t have been a choice that we even made, probably, so…” she wafts her hands, saving her wine from sloshing out with her mouth at the last minute.
“Wine Mom,” Bernie drawls under her breath, and Serena swats her, again. Bernie catches her hand, brings her knuckles to her mouth and kisses tenderly. “I know,” she says. “I know what you’re saying, it’s just…”
Serena twists their hands, wraps Bernie’s arm around her waist.
“It’s just you’ve found yourself enamoured with the Fletchlings, and they with you, and you think that if you’d only made more of an effort, that it could’ve been like that with your own kids, so as much as you’re enjoying it, there’s that guilt?”
Bernie blinks, and Serena plants a kiss on her neck.
“Welcome to parenthood, it’s not just an army thing. The thing is…” Serena leans back, takes a drink. “The thing is, we’re always growing, always learning, and the things we learn help us grow. We learnt with our own kids, we were growing with them, and it usually makes us better with other people’s kids, because it’s easier to see things outside of our own window, but it almost definitely usually makes people better grandparents than parents, anyway, so…”
“You calling me old, Campbell?” Bernie quips eventually, nudging Serena with her hip.
Serena nudges back, catches Bernie’s lips lightly with her own.
“I’m saying,” she says, with another kiss, another squeeze of the waist. “Everything has led up to now. It’s good and happy and you are allowed to feel that without it negating anything before, because you weren’t a bad parent, you just dealt with things differently because you were in a different place entirely. You’ll always have guilt, Christ, I’ve yet to meet a good parent that doesn’t, but… Well. Maria Von Trapp settled within herself eventually, despite, or maybe because of, what other people wanted or needed or expected of her, and so have you… just leave my curtains alone.”
“They’re nice curtains, though,” she looks around, thoughtful, exaggeratedly feigning surprise as she looks up. “Oh, look up there!”
Serena looks up and bursts out laughing, remembering Evie’s words.
“Mistletoe, really?”
Bernie sighs dramatically, throwing up her hands.
“Those kids, honestly, I don’t know where they get their ideas from!”
“Hmm,” Serena hums sceptically, depositing their glasses on the coffee table before pulling Bernie back towards her. “It’s a wonder, really,” she plucks a bauble from Bernie’s hair, boops her on the nose with it.
Bernie rolls her eyes, grinning as she leans in to capture Serena’s lips.
“Merry Second Christmas, love.”