Work Text:
8760
Your little hand's wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
The doorbell rings at two in the morning, and nineteen-year-old Seokjin stumbles towards the door, pushing down any frustration and whipping up a pleasant smile before yanking the door open to be greeted by a cool autumn breeze and nothing more. He would have shut that door immediately, slamming it out of well-hidden spite, if it hadn't been for a tiny mewl carried towards him in the wind. His eyes move to the doorstep and there's a cardboard box with the lettering 'for Seokjin' and 'Handle With Care' written in black sharpie on top.
Seokjin cautiously opens the top flap to find the inside padded with soft, fluffy blankets of washed out colors. Swaddled in a pastel blue blanket is a baby boy with large, unblinking eyes. "Where's mommy?" The little boy—who looks maybe one—says in a small voice, curling his pudgy fingers into tiny fists. Seokjin doesn't miss the way his innocent eyes well up with tears and feels himself soften, picking up the child gently and hugging him to his chest.
"It's okay. I'll be your mommy," Seokjin cooes in a soothing tone, rocking the child gently back and forth. His eyes catch on a hidden slip of paper between the folds of the blankets as the child's eyes flutter close. Soon, he is dozing off in Seokjin's arms and he kicks the box through the door, making note of the paper he had seen as he tucks the child into his own bed. He can hear small murmurs of content come from the child, and smiles in satisfaction while revealing the short letter.
Dear Seokjin-hyung,
I'm sorry about the suddenness of all this. I can't take care of this child any longer. His mother died tonight and he reminds me too much of her. I won't be able to care for him the way he needs, the way he deserves. I thought you would treat him best. His name is Jeongguk and today is his first birthday. Thank you. Don't look for me, please.
Best regards,
Donghyuk
"Jeongguk," Seokjin whispers, letting the syllables roll of his tongue. A smile lights up his face despite the itching disappointment towards his favorite dongsaeng, Donghyuk, and he knows that he won't have a problem raising Jeongguk like his own. When Seokjin returns to the bedroom and lies down beside Jeongguk, holding him close, he feels a small hand wrap around his finger and falls asleep with a peculiar feeling of delight in the pit of his stomach.
26280
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
"Mommy, read me a bedtime story!" Three-year-old Jeongguk hollers down the hall, and Seokjin gives him a strict look, opening his mouth to reprimand him for yelling. However, the puppy eyes that he gives Seokjin is enough to melt the rough edges and allow a smile to spread across his face.
"What will it be tonight, Jeonggukkie?" Seokjin prompts as Jeongguk eagerly snuggles under the covers, staring up at him with adoring eyes.
"Ooh, I want Dr. Seuss, Mommy!" Jeongguk squeals, and Seokjin chuckles as he leafs through the Dr. Seuss section in the bookcase before his eyes land on a certain book. Oh, The Places You'll Go! is screaming at him, begging to be read, and Seokjin knows he chose the right one as he opens the cover and Jeongguk lets out a noise of appreciation.
Halfway through, Seokjin glances up to find Jeongguk sleeping peacefully with half his face buried in his pillow. A motherly feeling swells in his chest, and he kisses his little Jeonggukkie's forehead, turning off the nightstand lamp but not forgetting to flick on the Iron Man night light because Jeongguk's always been scared of the dark.
43800
To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that
Jeongguk is practically bouncing off the walls when Seokjin announces that they will be going to Everland.
"Mommy, we're going to Everland! All the kids at the park talk about how fun it is and how great it is and- wow we're going!" Jeongguk is screaming at the top of lungs, and Seokjin watches in amusement as as the five-year-old runs around the living room, reminding him of a ball of energy. That's when Jeongguk crashes into the coffee table and the vase topples over, breaking into pieces as it hits the ground and sending shards skittering across the wood floor. Jeongguk is frozen in terror before instincts take over, and he immediately tries to make his way back to Seokjin.
Panic flares in the back of his mind, and he says sharply, "Jeongguk, no!" He grabs the child and carries him over the sea of razor-sharp glass and into his arms. Jeongguk looks equally terrified at Seokjin's tone of voice and looks down in shame, lower lip trembling. Seokjin softens immediately at how scared Jeongguk seems and lets him down onto a safer piece of land, then squeezes his shoulders in a comforting way.
"I'm sorry for shouting like that, Jeonggukkie, Mommy just got scared, okay?" When Jeongguk looks up at him with apologetic eyes, he pats the child's head.
"Let's go play, yeah?" Seokjin encourages, and the heavy weight in the air dissipates immediately. There's a huge smile lighting up Jeongguk's voice and he's squealing for Seokjin to hurry up and practically pushes him into the driver's seat, the bright energy back in place once again.
61320
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
"Have a good day, Jeonggukkie!" Seokjin says cheerfully, kissing his temple as the little boy trembles nervously at the first day of school in first grade. Jeongguk looks back at Seokjin, unsure of whether he should step forward towards the school building, and upon seeing Seokjin's nod of approval, melts into a gaggle of students walking down the hallway to their classes. A grin makes its way onto his lips when Seokjin spots Jeongguk striking up a conversation with another student, laughing and looking comfortable in his own skin.
Satisfied that Jeongguk was off to a good start, Seokjin brings out his ringing phone from his pocket and flips it open, smiling at the ID of the caller.
"Hyung, where are you?"
"Namjoon-ah, do you want to grab some coffee?"
87600
I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up
Seokjin and Namjoon are chatting over steaming mugs of tea in the kitchen when the front door is thrown open and Jeongguk storms in with tear-streaked cheeks. Seokjin's eyes widen in surprise and rise onto his feets to call out to Jeongguk only to hear the slam of his bedroom door. He stands there with his jaw slack, not realizing how long for until Namjoon taps his shoulder and asks if he's going to go check on Jeongguk, and composes himself before knocking on his bedroom door.
Jeongguk opens it silently, turning his back to Seokjin as he sits on his bed with a harrumph. "Is everything alright, Jeonggukkie? How's school?" At the mention of school, Jeongguk snaps his head back to face Seokjin, his eyes burning with an intensity that shocks him into a temporary silence. Then, his eyes change into something more mellow, and they are cast onto the ground.
"Kids bully me. For having a boy mommy." Jeongguk's words are curt, but dig into Seokjin's heart nonetheless. He brings Jeongguk to his chest, hugging him tightly and rocking him back and forth as if he was an infant again. Jeongguk buries his face into Seokjin's broad chest, sniffling quietly.
"Jeonggukkie, don't listen to them. Things will get better soon." Seokjin can feel his throat constrict at the thought of the child he had brought up like a son hurting because of him. He can feel Jeongguk's arms tighten around his torso, squeezing a little bit of breath out of him.
"Okay... Mommy." Seokjin pretends not to hear the hesitance in Jeongguk's voice.
113880
You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
"Hyung, really, the theater is a five-minute walk away! You don't need to drive me!" Jeongguk protests with a pout. Seokjin frowns at the label.
"I've told you to stop calling me that, Jeonggukkie," Seokjin clucks in distaste, eyebrows furrowed. Jeongguk just shrugs and avoids looking him in the eye.
"You're a guy. It's weird to call a guy 'mommy'. Besides, thirteen-year-olds don't call their mom 'mommy'. That''s what sissies do." Jeongguk makes it clear that he doesn't want to continue the conversation, and of course, Seokjin allows him to get away with it. But not before making a mental note to speak with him directly about it later on.
They arrive at the movie theater, Seokjin finding an empty space in the packed parking lot. He reaches to unbuckle his seat belt and walk Jeongguk inside, but he beats him to it. "It's okay, hyung, I'll just cross the street," he says, sliding out of the car and making sure no cars are coming before speed walking to the other side. There is a boy who greets him with a blinding smile who throws his arm over Jeongguk's shoulder as they make their way inside. Something about their skinship puts Seokjin off for the rest of the day.
122640
At 14 there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don't make [him] drop you off around the block
"Hyung, right here is fine." Seokjin jolts in surprise when Jeongguk says so casually that he would like to be dropped off a block away from school. He turns to look the teenager in the eye to find that Jeongguk can match him evenly, and sighs in frustration.
"You're being dropped off in front of school, Jeonggukkie," Seokjin replies with no sign of resignation, not willing to indulge Jeongguk in a way that would bring their relationship even more torn apart than it already was.
"But, hyung, I'm fourteen-"
"I don't care if you're fourteen, young man. If you live in my house, you live by my rules. You're being dropped off in front of school. Got it?" Seokjin's voice is one of steel, and there's a firmity that Jeongguk has never heard before. His shoulders slump a little and he looks down in the dumps, but replies with a small okay, and Seokjin lets it slide at that.
140160
Remember that [he]'s getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school
Jeongguk invites his best friend over for a sleepover party and looks the happiest Seokjin has seen him in years when he opens the door, greeting a boy. Seokjin recognizes him as the same boy from years ago at the movie theater, the one with the charming smile and the petite stature. He picks up an enthusiastic "Jimin-hyung!" from Jeongguk, adding a name to a familiar face.
Namjoon is seated next to Seokjin, who had been talking about the latest case he had been assigned to—after all, he is a lawyer—and casually drapes his arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. Seokjin snuggles his head into the crook of his neck, admiring how warm Namjoon is, and wonders if he can hear the fluttering beat of his heart. But he isn't given time to ponder on the thought when the deep bass of some EDM song starts booming throughout the apartment.
Jeongguk and Jimin are waving arms wildly and shouting incoherent phrases as they move to the beat. When they both freeze after a buildup of tension that leads to the music and both scream something before dancing again as the beat drops, Seokjin can't help the fond smile turning the corners of his lips upward.
"You should probably be a responsible mom and make them stop," Namjoon comments, his fingers gliding down his arms, leaving trails of heat in their wake. Seokjin waves at the duo in the living room dismissively.
"They'll control themselves." Namjoon raises an eyebrow at how easygoing Seokjin seems and mutters something about Yoongi rubbing off on him. Said eyebrow then disappears into his hairline as his gaze fixes on the scene before them. Seokjin follows Namjoon's gaze and finds his own eyebrows bidding farewell.
Jimin has his head in Jeongguk's chest, eyes closed and a peaceful smile on his lips. Jeongguk's cheeks are dusted pink, his arms snaked around Jimin's waist and keeping him close. They're rocking side to side despite the heavy music, trapped in their own world, and when Jimin leans up to whisper something into Jeongguk's ear, his expression is altered into something unreadable. Then Jeongguk is dipping his head and Jimin is on his tip toes and-
"Namjoon-ah, why are they further along than we are?"
148920
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Jeongguk's seventeenth birthday, he finally accepts Namjoon into his life. He admits that sustaining a musical career along with a main job in the law department is kind of cool, trying to seem suave as he begrudgingly hugs Namjoon.
"It's been too long, kiddo. I'll show you around the studio sometime if you're free and your mom lets you," Namjoon offers, and he doesn't miss the sparkle in Jeongguk's eyes when he mentions the studio. Jeongguk turns eagerly towards Seokjin, who shrugs.
"Whatever you want, Jeonggukkie. If you want to, go ahead." Jeongguk is skipping around the room, whooping in excitement, and Namjoon takes the chance to tangle his fingers with Seokjin's, a sly smile dancing on his lips.
That night, Jeongguk lets Seokjin tuck him in and kiss his forehead, the stupid smile still lingering as he goes on and on about the new band he's into these days and wondering out loud if Namjoon will let him record. Seokjin patiently listens until Jeongguk takes a deep breath and lets it out, smiling sheepishly at how much he had talked.
"Good night, Jeonggukkie," Seokjin sings, pressing another kiss to Jeongguk's cheek.
"Good night... Mom."
Namjoon sees Seokjin walk out of Jeongguk's bedroom with a beam that rivals the sun itself and wonders exactly what the had happened inside the room.
157680
No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up
"You may kiss the bride."
Namjoon's lips meet Seokjin's in a shy kiss, and Namjoon is laughing at the pretty blush on the other's cheeks, Seokjin swatting at his now-husband's arm bashfully. The marriage ceremony was small and minimal, but that was more than alright with the both of them. There hadn't been many people to invite since most of Namjoon's family had nearly disowned him for being gay and likewise for Seokjin. Most of the congregation was close friends, colleagues and neighbors who had supported them constantly.
Jeongguk bounds up to them, Jimin at his side, and fawns over how cute they had been up at the alter. Jimin nudges Jeongguk in the ribs when Jeongguk brings up how the shorter boy had gotten all teary and emotional towards the end of the ceremony.
"Congratulations, you've officially been upgraded to the position of Dad. Good luck trying to deal with me," Jeongguk says with a straight face, biting his lip to prevent himself from bursting out into laughter. Namjoon actually looks quite surprised that Jeongguk would be so willing to address him in such a way, and the teenager brings up his fist to give him a bro punch, which Namjoon gladly accepts.
"Come on, Dad, give your son a nice big hug for being a good boy and not screwing up while walking up with your rings," Jeongguk jokes, opening his arms up in a rather theatrical way, and Namjoon grins as he envelops the other in a tight embrace, patting Jeongguk's broad back and murmuring a quiet thank you.
166440
Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Jeongguk's fingertips run over the doorframe, across the wall, out into the living room. Over the sofa, through the curtains, on the counter top. His eyes hover on the photographs hung on the walls; his mom holding him as an infant, his dad teaching him the basics of music theory, his parents on either side of him as he proudly displays his diploma.
His room smells a lot like him. Jeongguk wonders if it will still smell like him when he comes back for the holidays. He wonders if the bed sheets will be straightened (probably), the books in his bookcase straightened (fairly comprehendable), and his desk dusted off (most likely). He can see it now, his mom hunched over and tugging at the sheets so they lie just right, crouching down to straighten a book although it's perfect the way it is, swiping away at imaginary balls of dust.
He can hear his dad if he tries hard enough to imagine it. His husky, deep voice resonating as he calls for Seokjin—whom he still calls hyung—and kissing him as delicate as butterflies on daisies. He can feel the ruffle that Namjoon always gives his hair, and Jeongguk will pretend that it bothered him when in reality it didn't. Namjoon would then play along and fake hurt.
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your [mother's] favorite songs
Jeongguk remembers all of the petty fights he and Seokjin had. Well, almost all of them. To this day, Jeongguk regrets not having called him "Mom" for four years, neglecting all the effort he went through to make sure his son-that-isn't-his-real-son-but-lucky-enough-to-be-cared-for-in-the-same-way-son was growing up in a healthy environment. Jeongguk is still beating himself up for not realizing how much Seokjin cared until recently.
He's promises himself that for the first few months, he will listen to Elton John songs as he studies and falls asleep, as they were always Seokjin's favorite.
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone
Jeongguk smiles softly, soaking in the warmth of his home. He wouldn't be seeing the same old interior, lying in the same old bed, eating at the same old table for a good quarter of the year. He takes one last look around and grabs his suitcase, hauling it down the stairs and into the trunk of his car. He drops Jimin a goodbye text before getting into his car and beginning the long drive up to Seoul to finally get settled into the dorms.
183960
So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
For the past two years of college Jeongguk had lived in the dorms of Seoul University with his roommate, not daring to bring up moving away from his parents. He didn't want to. But for his twenty-first birthday, they surprised him with a house key and warm smiles, ecstatic that all three of them had somehow been able to save up enough for a one-room apartment near his school. Jeongguk inhales an extra large breath, clearing his mind, and turns the key.
He gapes at the furnishment. The walls are plain white, but the decor is homely. The kitchen contains everything it needs, there are already towels and toiletries in the bathroom, and his old bed sits in the corner, waiting to be used again. He takes a running leap, landing on his back as the mattress cushions his fall. As Jeongguk is staring at the ceiling, painting invisible memories across the canvas walls, he finds his eyes burning and tears slipping.
He's never felt so alone.
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on
Jeongguk glances at the clock, and it reads 10:55 p.m. Twisting onto his side, he yanks the covers out from underneath him and pull them over his body, not even bothering to change. He threads his fingers through his recently dyed hair, patting down the light brown strands, and touches his forehead, mimicing what it would feel like to have Seokjin tuck him in. He almost laughs at himself, how pathetic he's being, but he can't wash away the nagging feeling in the back of his mind like something is off.
But for the sake of sanity, he ignores it, banishing the thought into the depths of his brain. He leans over the edge of the bed and turns on the Iron Man night light that Seokjin had installed, as if he was five years old again. Jeongguk's still afraid of the dark. The soft edges of the light is comforting, and when he closes his eyes he can still see his parents—overjoyed, young and selfless. He briefly wonders if they're thinking about him too before throwing it towards all the other thoughts. He needs sleep, too, and with all the chaotic activity in his brain he isn't getting anywhere.
His eyelids flutter and close and there's no other noise than the hum from the old night light filling the air when his phone starts ringing. Jeongguk groans, tired and just wanting some goddamn sleep, but picks up anyway with bleary eyes. "Hello?" He winces at how his voice cracks a little, but is cut away from his thoughts by a voice.
"J-Jeongguk-ah..."
"... Dad?"
Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up
Everything is a blur of white and antiseptic and people as Jeongguk sprints down the hallway, crashing into Namjoon's arms. He can feel the tears from Namjoon's closed eyes onto his cheeks, mixing with his own. Jeongguk keeps blubbering it's okay, he's okay, Mom's okay, we're okay, but Namjoon makes him stop with a quiet he's gone, and Jeongguk breaks. He's pulling away, yelling profanities and rejecting reality, and he knows he's making a mess but he can't stop, he won't stop, not until his dad is crouching on the floor next to him and his arms are around him.
"Do what your Mom would want you to do," Namjoon whispers, carding a hand through Jeongguk's bleached hair the way Seokjin would, and Jeongguk's voice trembles when he whispers back a small okay.
219000
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple
Jeongguk is in his nicest suit, on the way to his first job interview. He stoops down low, laying down a bouquet of carnations in front of a tombstone.
"Mom, it's my first interview," Jeongguk knows it's unnecessary to talk in a quiet voice with no one around but feels it's more private and continues.
"Wish me luck?" An immaculate petal falls off the carnation and the autumn breeze carries it onto Jeongguk's lap, as if Seokjin is laying his hand on Jeongguk's knee and giving him a loving look that he has engraved into the backs of his eyelids. He finds himself smiling with wet cheeks and kisses the tombstone before leaving.
236520
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don't you ever grow up
Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
"Jeongguk-ah."
"Dad."
Jeongguk had avoided his dad for the last couple of years, afraid of the memories and the pain. They were a dull throb now, and Namjoon's heat was like a cure for his heart as he squeezed Jeongguk gently. "Happy twenty-seventh, kiddo," Namjoon says affectionately, ruffling his hair (now raven black), and handing him a crude birthday card. Jeongguk thanked him before returning to his old room, now empty, and sliding to the floor.
Inside was a short message, expressing in concise wording that he wasn't alone and he could always come around for help if he wanted, nothing short of what Jeongguk had expected. Next to that was a USB, and he plugged it into his computer. There was only file saved, an MP3, and Jeongguk clicks on it without thinking twice.
A song flows and slowly fills the room. It's a quiet melody, soft harmony, and then Seokjin's voice. Tears are welling up and gliding down his cheeks and he misses him so much all of a sudden. He lets Seokjin's beautiful voice wash over him like a remedy he desperately needs, and suddenly the world is just him, only him. Jeongguk and Seokjin. Seokjin and Jeongguk. Then he's hacking out sobs, no longer restraining and pretending everything's okay after all those years. Three sentences orbit his mind again and again, and after a while it's all he knows.
I just want to be your little baby again. Your Jeonggukkie. I miss you, Mom.
245280
Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don't you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up
Jeongguk is in the same garden Seokjin and Namjoon had been standing in ten years ago, except this time he's with Jimin and they're the ones the ceremony is dedicated to. Jeongguk leans into the tender caress of Jimin's hands after they pull away, and the look Jimin gives him makes him feel like the only other person alive on Earth. "I love you," Jeongguk breathes, pulling in the shorter for a bear hug, and he can feel the enormous grin on Jimin's lips.
"I love you more," Jimin replies, interlacing their fingers together and Jeongguk's smile is the brightest out of everyone else's. His eyes sweep over the small congregation and lock with Namjoon's, who looks prouder than he ever had, his eyes glistening and wet.
Mom, are you proud of me too? Jeongguk thinks up to the heavens. When a pair of doves fly past, one clearly chastising each other and the other pecking back in a docile manner, he knows the answer, and presses a chaste kiss onto Jimin's temple.
"Do you think we could stop by to see your mom? Before we head down to the airport, that is." Jimin seems nervous mentioning someone Jeongguk holds dearly in his heart, but Jeongguk is more than ready for the question.
"Of course we can. He'd be happy to finally meet you."