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As the dust from the gravel settles, and Sirius can no longer hear the taxi’s motor over the birdsong and light summer breeze, he looks up at the crumbling facade of the motel and thinks, What the fuck.
Despite the heat, he pulls his leather jacket tighter around his body, hoping this is some horrid joke someone’s playing on them. He desperately hopes Ashton Kutcher is reviving Punk’d and will pop out of the treeline any minute with a bunch of hidden cameras.
“Where the hell are we?” Regulus asks to Sirius’ left.
His beautiful, symmetrical face is scrunched in disgust as if he smells something awful. Come to think of it there is a certain stench lingering in the air like mold and wildlife. Sirius shudders.
“You told me we were staying at the Four Seasons!” Sirius’ mother, Walburga, wails at his father, practically stomping her designer shoe-clad foot.
“No, sweetheart,” Orion tries to reason with her, but there’s never any reasoning with Walburga. If Sirius had any money left to bet, he’d bet that Walburga’s never listened to a thing they’ve said their entire lives. “I said there is no Four Seasons. The only place we can stay is the motel in town.”
“No! No, I heard hotel. I know it!”
“Listen,” Orion sighs, moving to stand before his wife and two sons. “This is the only asset they let us keep, so we’re just going to have to make do, okay?”
“Why do you even own some podunk motel in the middle of nowhere?”
“Weren’t you listening?” Regulus asks, rolling his eyes. “He owns the town, not the motel.”
“Same thing,” Sirius argues, waving his little brother off.
“I bought it for you. As a joke. Schitt’s Creek? It’s funny,” Orion tries to convince them.
Sirius can’t help but snort at the name before replying, “God, that’s depressing.”
“Look, the Mayor, Mr. Potter, said we could stay here until we get back on our feet. So welcome home.”
Regulus and Sirius exchange nauseated glances. Honestly, what did they ever do to deserve this?
______________
From outside the motel, Sirius believed it couldn’t get any worse, but that was before he saw the sheets.
After the boy at the front desk, Petey, or something equally boy-next-door-ish, showed them to their rooms, Sirius was ready to make a run for it.
Certainly, with his charm and good looks, it wouldn’t take long for someone to pick him up and whisk him away from all of this.
After arguing with Regulus over which bed was his, Sirius gingerly pulled back the stained coverlet and sat on the somewhat cleaner sheets.
And as if it wasn’t bad enough that they had to share a room, said room also connected to their parents.
Suddenly, a knock rings out through both rooms, and Sirius prays he packed his noise-canceling headphones or else these thin walls are going to get very old, very quickly.
He peeks his head through to his parent’s room to see an older gentleman, messy grey hair swept away from his tanned face with dark eyes crinkling kindly behind black, round glasses standing at the open doorway.
“Good afternoon, Black family! Welcome to Schitt’s Creek. I believe you must be Mr. Black.” He steps into the room, eagerly shaking Orion’s hand.
“Mr. Mayor!” Orion calls out way too jovially, returning the handshake with what Sirius realises is genuine, equal enthusiasm.
“I’m Fleamont, and this is my son, James,” He continues, gesturing to the boy behind him.
Sirius didn’t need the introduction to guess the boy - man, I guess he’s about my age - was Fleamont’s son. He’s a mirror image of the mayor, except for jet-black hair instead of grey. The sleeves of his plaid shirt are rolled to the elbow, showing off strong, tanned forearms as he offers a small, awkward wave.
Sirius smirks from his perch against the doorframe, waving back and relishing in the blush that spreads across James’ cheeks despite his darker complexion.
“And you must be Mrs. Black,” Fleamont continues, reaching a hand out towards Walburga.
“Pleasure,” Walburga replies, gently taking Fleamont’s hand between her thumb and pointer finger and shaking it up and down as if she couldn’t bare the thought of touching any more of this man.
Sirius has to give it to him because the Mayor just smiles kindly as if he’s amused by her outward disgust. Sirius makes eye contact with the boy behind him, and they share commiserating smiles, holding back their laughter at the ridiculous exchange.
“Boys, come out. Come meet the Mayor, who is graciously allowing us to stay in this wonderful establishment."
Sirius can’t help but roll his eyes.
“This is my eldest, Sirius. Where’s Regulus?” Orion asks, peering behind Sirius into the adjoining room. “Regulus!” Orion screams in Sirius’ ear.
“Oh my god, the door’s open! He can hear you!”
“Ugh, what is going on now?”
Regulus complains, strolling into the room, eyes glued down to his cell phone. He peeks up at the new additions, makes eye contact with James, and then stares steadfastly down at his phone again.
“It’s nice to meet you both,” Fleamont smiles politely, but Sirius is distracted as he watches the dopiest grin overtake James’ face at the sight of Regulus.
Now, this should be interesting.
______________
“Alright, I’m starving. Is there anything to eat in this place?” Sirius complains, striding into his parent’s room.
“You know, I think we’re going to have to come up with some ground rules. Like knocking,” Orion pointedly tells Sirius as his son rummages through the cupboards.
“There’s not even a full kitchen in here! How are we supposed to survive?”
“The Mayor said there’s a restaurant down the road, the Lilypad, maybe? Something like that. Anyway, he said we could eat there, put it on a tab, and pay it off once we get some money coming in.”
Sirius decides it’s not worth it to tell his father what he thinks about that plan. All their money had been stolen - mismanaged by their crazy cousin and her husband. And as much as Orion liked to consider himself a businessman, their money had been inherited, so Sirius really doubted that any of them were going to be raking it in anytime soon.
“And how are we supposed to get there? That taxi just dropped us off! Are the government people giving us back one of our cars? Can I request it to be my motorcycle?”
“Sirius,” Orion sighs, “It’s like, two blocks from the motel. You can walk.”
“In this heat?”
“It’s that or starve,” Orion waves him off, going back to unpacking while Walburga lays like a corpse on their bed, eye mask on and AirPods in, ignoring their existence as well as she did in their previous life.
“Fine.”
Stomping back into his and Regulus’ room, he finds his brother in a similar position, except with his phone above him, texting furiously.
“Do you want to come with me to get some food?”
“No.”
He wasn’t expecting him and Regulus to be attached at the hip now that their circumstances had changed but he’d at least appreciate some company venturing off into the unknown that was this godforsaken town that they apparently owned.
But Regulus had always been off in his own world. As much as Sirius was the protective older brother, he was much more codependent, and Regulus seemed perfectly content to live his own life, separate from Sirius.
“Who are you even talking to?”
“Evan.”
Of course, Sirius rolls his eyes. He’s surprised Rosier hasn’t shown up, banging on the door. The kid can barely spare being two feet from Regulus, let alone two thousand miles.
“Well, I’m off. If I’m not back in an hour, I’ve obviously been kidnapped and murdered. I expect you to avenge my death.”
“Bring me back a smoothie!”
“Get off your ass and get it yourself,” He replies, picking up one of the nasty cream throw pillows and smacking Regulus in the face.
“Oh! Don’t be so rude, Sirius.”
“Eat glass, Regulus,” He calls back, grabbing one of the keys Petey had given them and slamming the door, narrowly missing getting hit with a cell phone on his way out.
______________
Pulling the door open to the Lilypad, Sirius is sure he’s got the wrong restaurant. But there’s nothing else in sight, besides an old, rundown garage and a slightly offputting general store.
He thinks there’s no way this could actually be considered a restaurant, and it surely hasn’t passed any health inspections, what with the faded wallpaper, dusty shelves of knickknacks and photos of what he assumes is parts of Schitt’s Creek he somehow hasn’t seen yet, and cracked vinyl booths and chair covers in a hideous shade of mustard green.
He stands awkwardly in the center of the diner, taking in his surroundings, until a friendly voice calls out from behind the counter.
“Hi, can I help you?”
A gorgeous redhead stands behind the bar, an olive green shirt doing wonders for her eyes and flawless complexion. Sirius takes comfort in her obvious confidence and natural beauty and hastily latches onto her, striding over and settling down on the barstool in front of her.
“Hi. I’m Siri-”
“I know who you are,” She smiles, handing him a menu. He thinks she must recognise him from his many covers of GQ and Vogue over the years, and he’s about to agree to sign whatever she produces, vaguely wondering if that’s some way he can make some cash before she continues, “James told me you all might be stopping in. Are the rest of your family with you?”
“Oh. Nope, just me.”
“Darn. I was hoping to get a glimpse of your brother. I’ve heard James is smitten already,” She laughs while grabbing a notepad and sliding a pen from behind her ear. “Anyway, I’m Lily. It’s nice to meet you. Sirius, right?” Sirius nods, beginning to look down at the outrageous, multiple-page menu in trepidation. “Get whatever you like.”
Nodding, he attempts a smile but thinks it probably comes out like more of a grimace at the thought of what passes for food in a place like this.
She leaves him to check on the few other customers in and Sirius once again worries about the lack of diners at the prime lunch hour before she reappears, setting down his cutlery, a napkin dispenser, and a flimsy paper coaster with a brand of beer he once chugged at a party in high school proudly displayed along the waterstained top.
“Decided on something?”
“There’s no way you could do an oat milk latte, could you?”
A snort startles him from down the bar, and Sirius turns to find a handsome man staring at him, biting his lip in obvious amusement with his hands around a mug of tea decorated with an absurd amount of cats on it.
His brown eyes are round and wide, shining in mirth from behind sandy waves that fall across his forehead and a smattering of freckles across his nose and cheekbones. He looks like a hipster university professor, all buttoned up with a skinny tie and a tweed sports coat, no less.
“Excuse me. Are you laughing at me?”
“Oh, no. I would never. I’ve just been asking the same thing all month. I told Lily, time to get with the program! Nut milk, all the rage in Elmdale.”
His smirk widens, and Sirius gets the idea that despite his denial, he is definitely being made fun of. His ridiculous need to defend himself appears at the dig, and his chest puffs up in preparation before Lily cuts in.
“Remus,” Lily chides, smacking him with a towel draped over her shoulder. “Don’t be an ass. Sorry, love,” She turns, addressing Sirius. “We don’t have any oat milk, unfortunately. But all our food is locally sourced from farms in the surrounding area. I can do a really nice green smoothie!”
“Yeah, I’ll get one of those to go for Regulus.” The little shit better be grateful. “And how about a burger and a water for me?”
“Coming right up!” Lily tells him sweetly, pushing a door to stride into what he presumes is the kitchen to deliver his order.
“Shouldn’t you be in class? Not making fun of poor and unsuspecting newcomers?” He shoots down at the antagonizing man to his left.
The man, Remus, snorts again, “Class? Poor? ”
Sirius gestures at Remus’ entire being as if that should be enough to prove his hypothesis.
“I’m on my lunch break. I'm a business consultant.” At that, Sirius raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “And I also run the local library.”
“That’s it!” Sirius snaps. “Hipster librarian. Makes total sense.”
Remus rolls his eyes, and before he can respond, his name echoes through the small restaurant, but it must be a common occurrence because no one seems to blink an eye.
“Remus! Remus, dude! You won’t believe it. I met the love of my life today!” A loud, energetic voice interrupts, and Sirius looks past the snarky man to see James from earlier striding up to his new acquaintance.
When his eyes land on Sirius, his face once again breaks out into a brilliant flush.
“Do tell,” Sirius teases and Remus turns back, locking eyes with Sirius in glee.
“Oh, hi again!”
“What’s this I’m hearing about the love of your life? Keep up with that, and you just might make me jealous, Potter.”
“Oh, Lilyflower, you know, you’ll always be my first love.” He drapes himself across the counter and sighs dreamily at the ginger, who has returned with a glass of water for Sirius, before James whips his head around in fear at Sirius. “That is to say-”
Completely ignoring his flirting with the waitress, Sirius decides to tease him about his obvious and immediate infatuation with his little brother.
“Now was it me or my brother that you fell in love with today? Assuming you aren’t referring to either of my parents.”
“Obviously not- I mean, shit, was that rude?”
Sirius can’t help but throw his head back, letting out a barking laugh at James’ guilty expression.
“I’m joking. But you’re wasting your time with Reg. He’s a brat.”
Remus smiles a sly little thing, looking at Sirius from the corner of his eye, and Sirius just knows he wants to point out who also seems to be a brat in the immediate vicinity.
“Oh, but he’s gorgeous. You should have seen him, Remus.”
“I think I can imagine.”
Remus steadily keeps his eyes on Sirius, and Sirius’ own eyes widen. Is the hipster librarian flirting with me?!
“Could you set me up with him?” James pleads, turning to Sirius. “Give me his number? I’ll do anything.”
Huh. It could do well to have the Mayor’s son owe him a favor.
“Sure,” He shrugs, and he’s not sure he’s seen anyone light up quite like James Potter lights up at the idea of getting Regulus Black’s phone number.
Sirius finishes typing in the number when Lily plops a large plate down in front of him and hands a to-go container to James.
“Here you go, Sirius. And here’s your order, James. Now stop harassing my new customer and get ready to get your ass beat.”
“How many times do I have to tell you? They’re five, Lily! It’s Tee Ball! We’re lucky if they actually make contact, let alone ‘score’ any points,” He argues, air quotes and all.
“Your team, maybe,” She scoffs, attempting to shoo him away.
“There are barely enough kids for there to be two teams,” Remus stage whispers to Sirius, as if he has any idea what in the world they’re talking about, let alone what the fuck tee ball is. “They just play against each other every week over the summer, and Lily is competitive. Especially since James’ team keeps winning.”
“Hey!” She smacks him with the towel again, but Remus moves out of the way just in time.
“Quit it!”
“Whatever. Thanks, Lils. See you guys tonight!” As James strides out, he turns back to Sirius again. “Um, you’re welcome to join us, Sirius! You and your brother.”
“Mmm, sounds tempting. We’ll see.”
He turns away from the annoyingly endearing Mayor’s son and digs into his meal. He’s surprised to find that the burger looks decent, and he’s even more delighted because it’s actually delicious. It’s been too long since he’s had good, greasy food, and this hits the spot.
Sirius can’t help his practically indecent moan as he bites into the juicy burger. When he looks up, he catches Remus’ teasing smirk. He watches Sirius intently while digging through his obscenely tight chinos for his wallet to place a few bills down for his meal.
“See you around, Sirius,” The confident man winks, he actually winks, before striding back out into the balmy afternoon sun.
What a strange little place, Sirius thinks before continuing to stuff his face with his crispy hot french fries.