Chapter Text
In a cold sweat, Sunny lay awake in his bed, eye scanning the almost entirely dark room with the dim lunar light being the only thing granting any illumination. Before waking, he had another nightmare, one that happened to be more jarring than the last. His dreams for the past few months have been pleasant, but usually terrifyingly interrupted by the sight of a mirror. While struggling to fall back asleep, he starts to wonder why the sight of his own body causes such a repulsion. Why does the broadness of his shoulders feel unnatural? Why does the deep voice that spoke when he did sound off? Sunny barely grows any body hair at all, but every time any facial or leg hair starts growing, he shaves it off immediately. Even his own name brings him some discomfort for some reason. At the very least, he is happy about his hair growing out. His hair fell down to his collarbone. One time his mother asked if he wanted to cut his hair, but he said no. The idea of losing his hair length scares him. As the minute hand on his alarm clock ticks by, he tries to brainstorm solutions so he can feel comfortable in his skin. He feels as if he would be much more comfortable if he were born as a girl.
Sunny’s mind trails off as he thinks about his group of friends, wondering if he should ask them for help with his issue. It’s been a year since he revealed the truth to his friends. It took a reasonable amount of time to adjust, and the group still has a long way to go, but they all settled on the fact that the worst thing they could do then was abandon each other all over again. Though Sunny hasn’t fully forgiven himself, all of his friends eventually saw it as a genuine accident. Even though Sunny forgave Basil the moment he woke up in the hospital, it took more time for the rest of the group to forgive Basil entirely, considering all the things he has done and the eye he’s taken. Sunny’s mother used to insist on taking legal action against Basil, but after all of his pleadings not to blame Basil, she relented.
As he continues to think about his friends and his current dilemma, a random memory resurfaces. In Sunny's old house in Faraway, he remembers waking up to Mari and Aubrey spending time together, painting each other's nails, braiding each other’s hair, and doing each other’s make-up. His sister teasingly asked if he wanted his nails painted, and she expected him to shake his head in refusal. Mari's eyes widened when Sunny considered the offer but his train of thought abruptly ended when Kel barged into the room. Kel’s antics prompted Aubrey to tell him to knock next time. The two then spiraled into a pointless argument, leaving his sister's question unanswered.
As Sunny accepts he won't be able to go back to sleep any time soon, he thinks about the two girls that were painting their nails. Why didn't he say yes immediately or bring it up again? Sunny definitely wanted to try it out. He starts to think about feminine things in general, their long hair, and their cute clothes. The lame boy clothes he owns are so much less appealing than feminine clothing.
Sunny then feels an idea creep up on him. He’s surprised he hadn't thought of it years ago. If he likes the idea of feminine clothing so much more than male clothing, why doesn't he just try those clothes on? Maybe he could find some of Mari's old clothes since he hasn't grown much in height. His mom should be at work by the time he gets out of bed, so he can try the clothes on when he wakes up if he manages to fall asleep.
With a feeling of small excitement in his stomach, he tries his best to fall back into unconscious rest. As he looks at the soft glow of the moon barely brightening his bedroom one more time, Sunny wraps himself in his blankets like a cocoon, sinking into the wall of plushies on the side of his bed. He finally feels himself nodding off into sleep.
Waking up from a dreamless sleep, Sunny peels his eyes open and forces himself to get up from his comfortable bed. He’s been trying to wake up at a more reasonable time than he has for the past few years, and he’s finding it incredibly difficult to adjust. Unfortunately, he's woken up later than he would have liked to. Grabbing his calendar marking off another day, he moves the hair that was covering his face. Today is a Saturday, and his mom is off from work on Monday. Remembering the thoughts he had last night, he heads to his bedroom door to see if his mom is still home. He peeks his head out of his bedroom door, and he does not spot his mother among the nicely scattered decor and greenery in his home. As expected, his mom isn't home and won't be until late afternoon, which is more than enough time to figure himself out. He goes to use the bathroom to clean his teeth and brush out any knots in his hair.
After remembering to eat breakfast this time, Sunny enters the closet to search for Mari's clothes. Hopefully, she doesn't mind, he can tell her and apologize for it next time he visits Faraway. Searching through the closet's contents and wincing at the sight of a certain toy box, Sunny finally finds a box neatly closed and labeled 'old clothes'. As he looks through, he finds the most recent clothes Mari owned and picks out an above-knee-length purple skirt, a white blouse, and a pair of short leggings to go under the skirt.
The blouse was oversized, but Sunny didn't mind. In truth, he preferred it if it wasn't too tight on his skin. Finding more boxes labeled 'old shoes' and 'old accessories', Sunny rummages around and pulls out a pair of black Mary Janes and a couple of purple hair accessories to match the skirt. Sunny then neatly closes and places all of the boxes back into the closet.
Sunny makes his way back to his room, carrying the shoes, accessories, and carefully folded clothing. Taking a glance at the clock, Sunny determines that he has a good four or five hours until his mom gets back. Once he makes it to his room, he starts to change into the feminine clothing he took, and at the same time considers his own body.
His body is more on the androgynous side, but then he starts having doubts considering his masculine features. Sunny begins to wonder if this would even look right on his body. What if his shoulders ruin the look of the outfit? What if his hip size, or lack thereof, causes something to feel amiss in the entire look? Sunny looks through his wardrobe to find his white below-knee-high socks to go with the rest of the clothes.
Sunny finishes putting on the clothes and then looks down at the outfit. The clothes fit pretty much how he expected considering the size. The only thing he didn't expect was that these clothes actually fit him. These clothes felt more comfortable on his skin than the clothes he's been wearing his entire life. Looking down at his wrong body covered in the right clothes, the discomfort that the masculine features of his body provide feels suppressed by the snug feminine clothes.
Sunny feels happy about the clothes he’s wearing. The blouse is a soft and smooth material, a slightly oversized but comfortable fit. The blouse is tucked into the skirt, and the skirt itself feels very comfortable and less restricted than normal pants. He decides to spin around, and it feels nice with the skirt on. This small spin causes him to feel a small smile start to tug at the edges of his mouth. The leggings under the skirt feel fine, they aren’t too tight or too loose either, with the leggings themselves not visible with the skirt over. The pair of shoes feel comfy and soft on the inside, and they are fun to walk around in. The only thing he’s worn before is his pair of socks, stretching up to below his knees.
Some hair gets in the way of his face, which reminds him of the hair accessories he picked out. He grazes his gaze over the clock, about four hours left, and he grabs the two purple hair ties and hair clip. He puts in the hair clip and ties his hair into pigtails using the hair ties. Sunny plays around with the pigtails, running his hands through the strands. His uncommon smile widens as he continues to have fun with his outfit.
Suddenly, Sunny feels like doing something productive with his boosted mood. He leaves his room to find his watering can for watering the dozens of flowers in his house. Sunny kept all the flowers left for him the day he woke up in that hospital bed, surrounded by different colors of plants. Even though he felt like he didn’t deserve all the gifts received, and he still does, the residents of Faraway Town he ran errands for left him flowers while his eye layered with bandages healed. Spotting the watering can, he walks over, feeling the bounce of the cushion of his comfortable shoes and the air brushing past his legs as he moves.
He waters each and every plant with care, making sure not to damage any of the plants that are on the more fragile side. There are a lot of them around the house, and while Sunny’s apartment may seem like a flower field, it couldn’t compare to Basil’s house. Over the past year, Basil has accumulated plants in his house and at this point has as diverse plants as a rainforest. Somehow the green-thumbed boy can keep up with every flower in his house and still have a reasonable amount of time throughout his days.
After watering the flora decorating the apartment, Sunny walks into his room, watering can in hand as he nears the potted Lily of the Valley on his desk given to him by Aubrey, Hero, and Kel. He tilts his watering can as he waters the plants perfectly suspending the drowsy bulbs above the soil. Every time he sits down and appreciates this plant, Sunny can’t help but indulge in a feeling of warmth, like Mari complimenting him, supporting him, proud of him. He feels the familiar but distant feeling of his sister carrying him on her back after a long day. He recalls the taste of the delicious and perfectly baked cookies Mari would bring to everyone when they spent time at the treehouse. He hears the beautifully played waltzes Mari would learn, each soft finger dancing along the piano, methodically hitting each key with precision and perfection. Maybe it’s a selfish thing, but he can’t help but think of his sister when he sees these plants. It’s almost as if Mari’s soul is resonating within the beautiful flora.
Leaving his room and placing the watering can back, Sunny stares at the clock above the front door. There are two hours and a half left until his mom returns, and he finds himself not being able to think of anything he can do while he’s in this euphoric outfit.
Sunny suddenly realizes something. He hasn’t looked at himself in a mirror yet to get a good look at the entire look he’s made for himself. Something else creeps into his head, he considers the dreams he’s been having. What if he sees someone in the mirror he doesn’t want to see? What if he sees a stranger staring back? His fears and doubts start to surround and corner his thoughts but he manages to quickly calm down before he starts spiraling. He assures himself that he’s only seen that stranger in the mirror in his dreams, so it's just a fabrication of his imagination. Sunny for the past year has gotten better at dealing with fear thankfully and doesn’t fall into panic attacks as easily anymore. His mother takes him to a therapist weekly, which for the most part helps, though there are still things he needs to work through. All he had to remember was to breathe, and he would be fine, though that’s easier said than done.
Taking deep breaths, Sunny makes his way to the bathroom, not entirely believing his own reassurance from earlier. He opens the bathroom door. Sunny sees a figure entering through the doorframe in the reflection, nearing the figure as the figure nears him. He expects to see something wrong, a feeling of uncertainty that he was used to when it came to his own body. The boy figuring himself out finds something else instead.
Staring back at Sunny through the glass is a girl with discolored eyes, the only working eye having stars in it, and her mouth slightly agape in awe. She wears her jet-black straight hair in pigtails, with a purple hair clip keeping hair out of her face. This girl has a white blouse neatly tucked into an above-knee-length purple skirt, with long white socks standing there, her feet placed in a pair of black Mary Janes.
As Sunny stares at the mirror for what feels like hours, he realizes something as a note rings true in his mind.
He finally sees herself.
She finally sees herself.
The girl in the reflection witnesses a tulip sprout out of the ground.
Sunny finds out why she feels so wrong about herself, and at this moment she knows that she feels much better as a girl than she ever could as a boy. She feels ecstatic about the way she is currently presenting herself and wants to keep presenting herself this way. All of this just feels so right, like it’s meant to be. From now on, she decides she only wants to be a girl, and nothing else. As she walks out of the bathroom, she looks at the clock and the stars in her eye begin to dim.
Sunny quickly realizes there are about fifteen minutes left, most likely less until her mom comes back home. How long was she in that bathroom? Surely she wasn’t there for that long stewing in the gender euphoria she felt? At this point she starts to panic a little bit, wondering what her mom would think about her dressing like this. She doesn’t want to deal with her mother’s reactions to her outfit, the words she wouldn't want to hear, and all she wants to do at this point is curl up.
As much as she wants to, now was certainly not the time for that because she has to act fast. She tries to think of her options. Sunny doesn't have enough time to change and put all the clothes back into the boxes in the closet, so what could she do? Her breathing starts to quicken. Maybe she could leave the house so her mom wouldn't see her? That leaves another dilemma, where would she even go? Sunny then considers her place of birth, Faraway Town. She could take a bus there, and her mom most likely won't mind since she leaves to visit often either way.
She starts to calm down as she realizes this idea could work. She could go to Faraway, stay at Kel and Hero's place or Basil and Aubrey's place for the night, and then come back in the morning when her mom wasn’t home so she could put away the feminine clothes. This plan was flawless, and she honestly can't see anything wrong with it.
Sunny grabs some money for the bus, some extra money just in case, and keys to the apartment. She speedwalks to her room and prepares an outfit hastily thrown together to pack for when she comes back from Faraway. She shoves the clothing into the bag she usually carries her sketchbook and eye drops in. Thankfully, her mom always has sticky notes lying around so she quickly takes one to leave a note for her soon-to-arrive mother. Swiftly prepared, she leaves the house.
Walking down the city street to the bus station, she is a good distance away from her home but not too far. She glares back and sees her mom’s car parked on the side next to the apartment complex. Sunny feels relieved and glad that she didn’t take longer than the time she had already spent.
After waiting for a short amount of time, and thankfully there was no one awkwardly waiting at the bus stop with her, Sunny boards the vehicle and hands the driver the money to ride. There weren't many people on the bus this late into the day, but there is a good amount. She takes a seat far away from the larger groups on the bus and waits.
Fiddling with her hair, she decides to text her friends that she is on her way so she wouldn't show up unannounced. Her mom bought Sunny her very own phone not long after they moved from Faraway, and the entire group exchanged phone numbers when she visited. Kel and Aubrey were the first two to respond, and it took a little longer for Hero and Basil to see the message. The first two said they would both wait at the bus stop. Hero wrote that he's caught up with work and Basil said that the three of them could visit his house after meeting up at the bus stop.
Sunny puts her away phone and starts to fidget with the ends of her skirt. She looks out the window at the city moving past her with the setting sun dimly lighting the world. The large buildings descend into smaller houses as the bus leaves the city and the scenery changes to suburbia. She’s suddenly reminded of her sketchbook in her bag and decides to take that out and sketch away her boredom.
Sunny finishes her sketching and looks around the bus. The bus has already stopped a few times, and only a few people remain. She looks at the very rough sketches of her current outfit. It's challenging to draw in a moving vehicle, and there are several mistakes on her page. Sunny thinks about where she’ll go with Kel and Aubrey after they meet up, probably one of their houses since it’ll be pretty late by the time she gets there. She wonders what the two would think of her outfit as well, would they like it? She ponders for a moment before she realizes something. She hasn’t told her friends about wanting to be a girl from now on. What would they think of it?
At this point, Sunny has had one too many moments of panic for one day. She breathes in and out, trying to calm herself since she doesn’t want to start crying on a public bus. The whole group has been friends for so long, one measly transformation like this won’t change their perceptions of her, right? Will they even see her as a girl? Would they think she’s delusional? Is she delusional?
A stranger next to her on the bus taps her on the shoulder, “Ma’am, are you alright?” they ask. Noticing that her breathing was out of control, she takes a deep breath and then nods. The person with a slightly concerned look on their face turns away. After a moment, Sunny realizes that person just called her “ma’am”. She feels a bubbly feeling, glad that she is seen as a girl by others. If she’s able to be seen as a girl by a random stranger on a bus, then maybe her friends would see her as a girl.
As the bus nears Faraway Town, her line of thinking didn’t entirely ease her worries. The fact remained that she was wearing Mari's clothes. They'd probably think she's a freak for stealing her sister's clothes. It’s not like she could run away from the entire situation she’s put herself in. She has to tell her friends sooner or later anyways, right? Might as well get it out of the way now. She sat stewing in her own fear waiting to arrive at her destination.
The bus comes to a halt and Sunny's heart skips a beat as she spots Kel's unmistakable smile and Aubrey's bright pink hair at the bus stop. The two are sitting on a bench. The pair notices the arrival of the bus and gets up. Sunny can't make out if they see her or not through the bus window due to the lack of light that the moon of the night sky provides. Getting up from her seat, she walks toward the bus door, feeling miles away from it. She's the only person on the bus getting off at this stop. Apprehension and suspense grip her as she trudges along past the seats.
Sunny makes it to the open bus doors, feeling like she's about to collapse. She walks down the two steps of the bus, feeling as if she is walking down a long staircase. The first step feels closer and closer to the disapproval of her friends. With the second step, Sunny feels the disapproving glare of her mother if she were to find out.
Sunny walks out of the bus and hears the doors closing behind her. She stares nervously at her friends, the sound of the wheels of the bus moving along the street reaches her ears, the bus is already making its departure. Her friends wear slightly confused expressions. Sunny opens her mouth, her voice feeling clogged.
"I want…" Sunny winces at the slightly deep voice she hears when she speaks. She's already committed to this and progresses toward the inevitable.
"I want to be a girl." She chokes out, moving her gaze toward the ground.
Sunny feels an immense amount of uneasiness. She waits for what Kel and Aubrey have to say. They're probably going to express their disgust. Tears start beading at the edges of Sunny's eyes. They're probably thinking that she's lost it. She can feel her vision getting blurry. They probably don't forgive her for what she did, do they? She's shaking.
She sees her vision warp into blotches of color and she can feel herself falling. Two pairs of hands reach out to grab her, followed by a sharp but short pain on her side and nothing but darkness filling her view.