Chapter Text
to the Fire Lord —
I am writing to you in haste. Most of my warriors and I left late last night, so do not be alarmed at our absence from the palace when you wake. I left my best behind to guard your life. I will give this to one of our messengers to take to you as soon as he can but do not worry yourself over us.
Sometime in the evening, we apprehended three earthbenders trying to gain access to your chambers. They had with them enough evidence to suggest an assassination attempt, so my warriors locked them in the dungeons. However, around midnight, they escaped, taking with them several gold pieces’ worth of valuables.
I apologize on behalf of my warriors and myself. It is most unusual for me to be so careless, and I assure you it will not happen again. You know it will not.
As I am writing, we are sailing in a boat across the sea. My spies say the earthbenders are headed to Ba Sing Se, where they no doubt intend to sell what they stole. Do not try to look for me; I will be back in time. With the earthbenders in chains.
Yours,
Suki
—
Dear Suki,
This may not be what you want to hear, but thank you for taking the time to write to me about what happened. Despite being the sovereign of a country, most do not give me such a courtesy. You would not believe the number of messenger hawks that sit unused in our owlery.
I am unsure how the earthbenders got out of the dungeons, especially because of the lack of earth to bend there. In fact, the last person I think escaped was our good friend the Avatar.
I, like yourself, do not know how they got in, but I know this: the fourth and fifth perimeters around not only my chambers, but the palace as a whole, were slightly askew. There was something strange about them as I walked past, and I cannot quite say what was wrong, exactly, but something felt off. Perhaps it had just been a long day.
Do not repeat these words or show anyone but yourself this letter. I shall not be disgraced again for uttering the phrase “something felt off.”
Fire Lord Zuko
—
Fire Lord Zuko —
I must admit that it’s odd, seeing the sentence “something felt off” and knowing you, the Fire Lord, wrote and used it. It seems like a simple phrase, something small in the place of something so big. You yourself are of course the big in this instance, and though I have known you for most of my life, you using small words makes me feel like I know you.
Forgive my rambling. And forgive my use of familiarity in writing this letter. While I do know you, I also do not. Not as well as I could, at any rate.
My warriors and I are now in Ba Sing Se, where we hope to capture the earthbenders in this massive enclosed city. I have word that they were spotted in the marketplace yesterday, where a few of my spies are camped. We will attempt to nab them in the act of piracy.
Circling back to the “something off,” I am, like you, not entirely sure what to make of it. Though anything that worries your Lordship worries me, there is little I can do unless I know what the problem is. If it’s not too forward of me to ask of the Fire Lord, perhaps you could try to figure out what about that night seemed off. My warriors who are usually in the fourth and fifth perimeters are skilled and trustworthy.
On a side note, the messenger hawk that delivered your letter seems very happy to be of use — he continually ruffles his feathers in a proud sort of way, and I am sure delivering this note will add to his happiness.
Yours,
Suki
—
Dear Suki,
I am writing for no other reason than to tell you that the messenger hawk was indeed proud when he got back to me. He allowed me to pet his head, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
I imagine that he will be equally happy to deliver this note to you. I hope you like it.
Fire Lord Zuko
—
Suki —
I am sorry for wasting our shared messenger hawk on that short message when perhaps he could be a source of comfort in the words I now have to tell you.
Last night, several of your warriors and a few of my personal guards were found shoved into a maid’s closet. Judging from their appearances and smell, they had been dead in there for quite some time — several days, at least. I would have written to you sooner, but chaos ensued after they were discovered, as you might have guessed.
Despite the fact that they are not breathing, they appear to be asleep or at rest. This is partly because of the strangest and, quite frankly, most disturbing part: their bodies were bare. Both your warrior’s uniforms and my guard’s armor had been stolen, evidently at the time of their deaths.
The cause of death is still a confidential subject, but my personal opinion is blunt force trauma to the head. There are indentations in each skull as if a very large and very heavy rock was bashed in several times.
You and I both know that, if my suspicions are correct, then your fleeing earthbenders are to blame. And we have even more reason to believe an assassination attempt.
It appears that we also know the reason behind the “something off” in the fourth and fifth perimeters. The imposters have not yet been caught, but at least we know they are gone. I personally looked into the face of each and every Kyoshi Warrior in the palace and found them all familiar.
I am scheduling Fire Nation guards to the damaged areas in replacement, but doubling up on guard in other places. Though myself and my advisors doubt they will strike again, because they already entered one way, we don’t believe they will use the same route. Should they attempt to try again, of course.
Both the warriors and the guards will be given proper funerals for fallen soldiers. I am unfamiliar with the customs on Kyoshi Island for such affairs and beg you to advise me. I do not wish to offend.
I will hold off everything as long as I can, in the hopes that you will return in time to pay your respects.
Fire Lord Zuko
—
Zuko,
It’s late as I write this, but I have to get it out before I burst. I’m shaking. I’m shaking too hard for the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors. This is ridiculous. This can’t be happening. I feel as though I am trapped in a horrible nightmare.
These are their names: Shara, Kalah, Isa, and Milani. Those are their names and this is likely the last time I will ever write them. They are dead.
You did not have to tell me; though it was kind of you to do so, I already knew. One of my spies sent word as soon as she heard, and when I heard about the stolen clothes, I quickly put this and your account of the fourth and fifth perimeters together. I am furious with myself for not seeing it before, and for not taking your “something off” more seriously. I shouldn’t have laughed at it like I did.
I have lost people before. I have lost warriors before. This is really the same, and yet not all at once. I don’t know why I feel like this.
I apologize once again for my rambling. It’s no doubt improper for me to be venting to the Fire Lord like this, even though I have known him since we were teenagers.
My girls will know what to do for the funeral arrangements. This is not the first time we have had to do such a thing, after all, and it is not the first time we have encountered a coup. Nor is it the first time we have been worried for your safety. I… was worried.
Your plan to replace the fallen is a good one, and although you do not need my permission you have it nonetheless. I have to admit I am surprised that you are familiar with all of my warriors. I didn’t think
I will try to be back in time for the funerals. Myself and a few warriors are leaving early in the morning, while a few will stay behind in Ba Sing Se to try to nab those earthbenders.
Our messenger hawk seems to be happy to be of so much use. He does bring a smile to my face, even in the wake of such news. I would like to think we are friends.
Yours,
Suki
—
To my friend, Suki,
I realized after I wrote the above greeting that you probably meant the bird. You are friends with the bird.
I have managed to halt the funeral procedures for another week, so that you may attend. Each warrior is being treated with respect and the proper dressings, according to your traditions.
The imposters have not returned, which is a win. I will assume they are in Ba Sing Se, being tailed by a few of your warriors. I’m glad you approved of the plan. I will always value your opinion, Suki.
I hope you will be able to come to the funerals. There is a place of honor for you at my side.
Fire Lord Zuko
—
Dear Zuko,
I probably shouldn’t be experiencing the nostalgia that I am as I write this. I’m by your side every day, after all, and we speak regularly. My warriors and I are responsible for your life morning, noon, and night.
Still, it’s been over a year since the last time we exchanged letters, and although the reason for it then wasn’t a good one, I’m finding myself missing the feeling of putting pen to paper. I didn’t know that I longed for the idea of words written by me, just for you.
Funny, isn’t it? A year ago, before the funerals, I might have been afraid to say such a thing. But even though I may not have been speaking of you the first time I mentioned friendship in these letters — and speaking of which, it was so kind of you to let me take our messenger hawk with me — it pleases me to know I can call you my friend. Sokka doesn’t listen to me quite like you do. Sokka doesn’t listen to me quite like you do.
I crossed that out because I originally thought it was forward, but then I thought better of it and wrote it again because it’s true. Just thought you should know.
Anyway, you can take comfort in knowing that this time, I’m not writing because there has been a threat on your life. Although, with Katara and Toph and all the wedding people surrounding me here, it very well feels like there is one on mine.
It’s really not as bad as I make it out to be. I’m having fun — really, I am. Toph and I are similar enough in these matters, even if she sometimes takes it farther than I would. Like, like the other day, when Katara had us both fitted for the bridesmaids’ dresses, Toph told her she “didn’t like the way it rubbed against her ass,” and actually ripped the whole thing off her body! Isn’t that hilarious? She cracks me up like no one else.
As for the actual bride in this fairy-tale wedding, well, Katara is glowing as usual. She keeps telling everyone that every detail must be perfect, arranging each water lily and chair placement and hem on her dress and whatnot, but I really think she just wants it to be over with. She just wants to be Aang’s wife, without all this extra… stuff. She told me privately that it did all seem like a bit much, even if her fiancé is the Avatar.
I have to agree with her on this much. I think, if I were ever to get married, I would want it to be a nice, quiet event. Just myself and my partner and a few friends.
Anyway, I’ve sort of been going on and on, but I suppose it doesn’t really matter if there was no purpose for the letter to begin with. I just missed you, that’s all. I don’t know if this will reach you before you have to leave to join us here on Air Temple Island, but if it does, write back!
Yours,
Suki
—
To my friend, Suki,
I can say that now. With confidence. It probably doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me, but that’s all right.
You’re in luck — your letter reached me just before I was set to leave for the wedding. I’m writing this to you on my knee on a ferry boat to the island, and a few people are giving me strange looks, but I just stare at them until they look away. Sokka does this all the time, and he doesn’t get looks. I don’t understand it.
Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have brought him up. I’m happy to hear that I’m a better listener than him, though.
As for the actual wedding, I’m also glad that you seem to have the worst end of it. All Aang told me to do is, and I quote, “Show up and look pretty!” And then he continued to say that I “do that anyway.” Sometimes I really don’t know what to say in response to what leaves that man’s mouth. At any rate, I just stayed quiet and nodded.
The man next to me just sneezed on me. If I catch something from him, I’m going to have him beheaded.
That was a joke. In case you couldn’t tell. Contrary to popular belief, I am a funny guy. Sometimes.
Now the man has seen what I’m writing and is scowling. I scowled back. He asked me who I think I am. I said I was the Fire Lord and who did he think he was. He moved seats. Now I’m almost here.
I know you have to leave to pick up Sokka on Kyoshi Island, possibly before I see you, so I’ll say here that I missed you, too.
Now even more so thanks to that ferryman,
Fire Lord Zuko
—
Zuko —
I’m writing as fast as I can, so excuse the messy penmanship. You’re the first person I could think of to write to, so please tell Katara and Aang that I don’t know if we’re going to make it to the wedding. Sokka and I just got into a huge fight and he stormed away and I don’t know where he is. I’m hoping we can be civil enough to come, but I don’t know.
Tell them I’m sorry.
Suki
—
Dear Suki,
The first thing I’m going to say is that, though I doubt you meant to be, your blowout at the wedding reception was kind of hilarious.
I can picture the annoyed look on your face as you read that. But this is my last piece of parchment and I speak only the truth. When Sokka’s elbow went into that tart? I chuckled. A few times. Sorry.
Don’t be too angry at yourself, all right? Katara and Aang are more disappointed in Sokka than you, if you at all. I spoke to them privately after the two of you threw around the last of your food and stalked off to your rooms. They were a bit shaken, but overall in decent shape. High on wedding happiness, I’m sure.
Anyway, I don’t think you need to worry about offending them. Though it was a scene, neither of them were exactly disagreeing with what you said about Sokka. Katara knows how her brother can be, but I suppose none of us know him like you do. Except maybe Toph.
Speaking of Toph, she left the ballroom around the same time you two did, and I didn’t see her after that. I’m still not sure where she got off to, because it’s now been two days since everyone left and the only one who’s still around is me.
I’m going to have to ask Katara where to send this, actually. Where are you, Suki? I’m only realizing now that I assumed you’d be back on Kyoshi Island, and you know what they say about people who assume.
I thought you might have told me if you were leaving I’m sure that’s the absolute last thing on your mind right now.
Be safe,
Zuko
—
Dear Zuko,
Spirits, I am sorry.
Those are truly the only words I’ve thought about since the wedding two months ago. How could I have let so much time go by? I miss you, Zuko. I miss you more than I thought I would.
No, that’s not true. I miss you even more than I knew I could. I have so much to apologize for, and I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been so distant from you lately, had another warrior take my place by your side, been skulking through the corridors of the palace for weeks. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Sokka and I are broken up, of course. He was such a huge part of my life, he has been since we were fifteen, and he just — Spirits, he made me so angry that day I picked him up on Kyoshi Island. I told him we needed to leave now, and he wasn’t ready, he was doing all this random shit and I just — I lost it. I don’t even remember what I said, but it was enough for him to get his ass on the ferry, and we were silent the whole way over. At least we got there in time for the wedding.
And oh, the wedding. I’m sure I don’t need to rehash it for you, since you were there and alive and well and witnessed the whole damn thing. I’m so sorry you had to see that. I feel so guilty about ruining the happiest day of my best friends’ lives. It’s like this cloud has been hanging over me for months, and yet I can’t stop thinking about what it means for me, personally.
What words did I throw at him? Were words the only thing hitting his face? My anger blinded me, I was just so fed up with him and I couldn’t take it anymore. I loved him, Zuko. I still do. So why did I say those things to him, those terrible, terrible things?
I just sort of giggled, even by the flickering candlelight as I’m writing this from my chambers. I just pictured you sitting beside me, saying “You said them because they’re true.” I swear, I could hear the words plain as day. You’re two stories above me, and yet I feel you everywhere. I probably shouldn’t have, but the thing you said, about our blowout making you laugh? It made me laugh, too.
Zuko, I don’t know what to do. Isn’t that pathetic? The leader of the Kyoshi Warriors, the sworn protector of the Fire Lord (did I apologize for abandoning you yet?), not knowing what to do with herself. I still do things: I talk with my girls, I eat, I sleep, I take walks in the gardens, but I’m not fully… there. Do you know what I mean?
I suppose the mature thing to do would be to talk to Sokka about all this, but I don’t know if I’m ready to be mature yet. Sometimes I wish I was still the little girl I was in my village, on the Island. Sometimes I even think about all of us, our group, as childhood friends. Do you think we would have been close? I’m not sure.
I fucked up so badly, Zuko. I made such a scene and then I ran away from it like a coward. I will definitely be paying them a visit, but if what you say about Katara and Aang is true, then the only person I’ve really failed is you.
I think I’ll leave for Air Temple Island in the morning. I have several other apologies to make. When you find this on your desk, don’t be too alarmed, okay? A girl’s gotta know her way around.
Forgive me,
Suki
—
Dear Suki,
Honestly, when I saw a letter on my desk, addressed to just plain old “Zuko” in your handwriting, I didn’t think twice about it. I have a collection of our correspondence in my drawer, and I thought one of them had just somehow made its way on top. You’re always changing my way of thinking, even when you’re not here.
When I woke up this morning, your replacement told me where you had gone. I already know what Aang and Katara will say to you, and I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself. Yes, you made a scene, and yes, it was a loud one, but you spoke the truth. You said the words you’ve been needing to say for years now, and I’m proud of you for it.
I’ve written to Sokka several times since the wedding. He sent both Katara and Aang apology letters, which they accepted, and he said he’d been at Air Temple Island for a bit but was leaving. He did not tell me why.
I think you should stay with the newlyweds for a bit. Take some time for yourself, you deserve it. It’s not because of a lack of efficiency, mind you — you need to take a breather. I’ve seen you in the hallways these last few months, Suki, and I don’t recognize your face. It’ll be good for you. My only regret is that I can’t come with you, but maybe that’s for the best. Aang told me it’s good to be by yourself sometimes.
And that’s only one of the reasons I think you should go to the Island. With Katara and the baby, I think she’d love to have you there. I know she misses all of us terribly, and she most certainly does not hold a grudge against you. Which I’m sure you know by now.
Toph has a new address, but she’s forbidden me from handing it out, for some reason. Just thought you should know. We’re scattering like leaves, aren’t we?
And to answer your closing, Suki — there’s nothing to forgive.
Zuko
—
Dear Zuko,
I hate to say it, but you were right.
You might never hear that again, so you should probably store this letter away somewhere safe (in your shrine of correspondence? Don’t think I let that little detail slip under my radar, Mr. Unsentimental).
I’ve spent three weeks on Air Temple Island so far, and I’ll be honest, the first couple of days were rough. I was missing home, missing Sokka, missing you. It was the hardest, I think, to be around Katara and Aang, knowing what I did. But you were right — they weren’t mad.
Dammit, I wrote it again Pretend you didn't see that!
Anyway, life’s been kinder to me here. I help Katara out with the chores and sometimes I keep house while she goes on healing trips or whatever it is that she does. She helps people, that’s all I really need to know, right? Most nights we sit out under the stars with cups of tea and talk. It’s been nice to hear stories about the Southern Water Tribe from her perspective, you know? All I ever got was Sokka’s side of it.
She told me the story of her mother the other night. She said it was all right to tell you. I cried, and she told me that I remind her of her sometimes. My “protectiveness,” she said, and then I cried some more.
Aang’s been really great, too. We had a great discussion about Avatar Kyoshi the other day. I guess I never realized we had her in common, so it was nice to find some ground. Sometimes he leaves on business for days at a time, and when he comes back he always has a flower for Katara. Isn’t that so sweet? He brings her all kinds, from places all over the world — he told me he’s even brought her every type of fruit that grows in both Water Tribes. I believe him, and Katara’s always so happy when he comes back.
She’s growing fast, too. She’s about three months along now, I think? Math was never my strong suit, but at any rate she’s got the bump. She let me feel it once, but the baby didn’t move, not that I was expecting it to. I never helped with the births in my village, but I remember most of the pregnancies. She has christened me “Aunt Suki,” and I laugh when I hear it. It sounds so… right, you know?
I’m really happy here, Zuko. Thank you for suggesting I take some time for myself. You were right (again! Dammit) — some days, when Aang is gone and Katara’s out healing, I sit in the grass in the garden and just close my eyes. I tried out the breathing exercises Katara taught me, which I never thought I’d do, but they helped. It’s been good for me to be here, but I miss my work. I miss the palace and my girls.
I miss you.
Write me back,
Suki
—
Suki,
I am, technically, writing back, though I doubt this letter will see you before I do. If it doesn’t, it's just one more to add to the shrine, but it’ll have to wait until I return home.
Zuko
—
Dear Zuko,
You crazy sneak, you! Katara told me she had a surprise before dinner, but the last thing I expected to see when she led me outside was the Fire Lord stepping off the ferry! I think I kicked sand in her eyes when I ran up to give you a hug, but she hasn’t complained about it yet, so I think I’m good.
I’m writing this by the light of the moon in my bedroom, biting my cheek to keep from smiling too hard. I don’t know why I don’t just tell you all this, seeing as you’re currently sleeping ten feet away from me, but it’s sort of tradition now, isn’t it? And Spirits know we can’t break tradition.
Tomorrow, I’m going to show you the rock I always lay out in the garden. I’ll show you the spot on the beach where the tide comes in the farthest, and we can spar when it goes out to sea. I’ll teach you how to make Air Nomad Fruit Pies, which Aang showed me how to do. I’ll probably smack one in your face and laugh. I’ll take you on a walk and point out all the flowers Aang planted for Katara, and later we can sit and have tea with her in the afternoon. I’ll take you to the highest spire on the Island and we’ll scream our names into the wind, and when you go to bed tomorrow night I can fall asleep happy, knowing we’ll do it all again the next day.
I don’t know what it is about you, Zuko, but it’s something. Spirits.
Suki
—
Dear Suki,
That felt so weird to write. Strange, isn’t it, that it’s been nearly six years since I’ve picked up a pen with the intent to write to you? We’ve been by each others’ sides for so long now, I keep turning my head to whisper in your ear only to realize you’re not there.
Things are fairly normal here since you left. Oddly enough, the fourth and fifth perimeters are the most secure in the palace nowadays. The advisors are still in turmoil about the inflation in the colonies, and lately they’ve begun badgering me about taking a queen. I asked them if they thought I needed someone to tell me what to do, and that shut them up. For now.
Katara stopped here for one night on her way to Toph’s, and she brought the baby with her. Tenzin didn’t scream when I held him and apparently this was some sort of miracle, because Katara’s entire face lit up when he stopped crying and she ran out the door, muttering something about taking a fortnight’s nap. So then I was just standing there, holding a sleeping baby. It was terrifying.
She said she was only going to be staying at Toph’s for a few weeks before heading to the South Pole. I couldn’t believe how sick Sokka told me Hakoda was in his last letter. It’s terrible, isn’t it? He was so much healthier the last time I was down. I hate how much my duty keeps me here, away from our friends. It feels like it’s been ages since I visited for Tenzin’s birth, and she told me privately that he’s probably going to be their last child, so there goes my best excuse for that family.
Not that there is a shortage of pregnancies with us. I haven’t really been keeping track as well as I probably should, but I believe Toph is around seven months along now? She never really struck me as the nurturing type, but I suppose with that metalbending school of hers she’s perfect for motherhood. She hasn’t given me all the details about Kanto, just that he’s a scumbag, and I don’t think she ever will, personally. The only person she seems to open up around is Sokka.
Speaking of whom, if what he says about Hakoda is true, then it’s likely he’ll be the next chieftain of his tribe. I told him being a leader is a huge responsibility but that it seemed like his people needed him, and that I thought he could rise to the challenge, but in his letters he sounds so despondent about the very idea.
Perhaps you could talk to him about it? It’s hard to believe how long you two went without speaking, only to be as close as siblings now. I’m still proud of you for setting aside your differences and just sitting down to talk. One of the first things my advisors told me when I took the throne was that communication is key: with your people, with your councils, and with your queen — which they still haven’t stopped pestering me about, but that’s another story. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing me rage about it.
Anyway, this is longer than I intended it to be — I just wanted to update you on the status here. Since you’re, you know. Gone.
I already said it, but it feels so odd without you here. When you visited Air Temple Island six years ago, it was the longest three weeks of my life, longer even still than my wild-turtleduck chase for the Avatar in my youth. But I think that the three days you’ve been on Kyoshi Island this time around will give those weeks a run for their money.
Do with that information what you will.
Zuko
—
Dear Zuko,
Have I ever told you how much I love your way with words? Because I do. I still laugh about the letter you sent me on the ferryboat to Air Temple Island, with the man sitting next to you asking who you thought you were, but this is something so different. It’s almost admirable how close you can come to saying something, and miss it completely, leaving me reeling.
I agree with you on the note that it feels strange to do this. I write letters day and night, to people all over the country, but with you it’s different. It’s a sense of nostalgia that I can’t quite define.
Things are fine here, thanks for asking (not). It’s good to be back on Kyoshi Island and see all the villagers. Connecting with my roots was a good idea, I’ll have to thank Aang for the idea next time I see him. Which, as you've pointed out, is far too sporadic.
Yes, your Lordship, Toph Beifong is seven months pregnant. Congratulations on keeping up with the times! I expect you’ll be receiving a note from either her or Sokka demanding your presence in Ba Sing Se when the baby is born, just as I’ll be receiving my own. It’ll be good to have everyone together again.
I suppose I could speak with Sokka about the chieftain thing. We’re on the best of terms we have been since Aang and Katara’s wedding, and I think we’ve finally put it behind us. But I don’t know if one civil conversation about how we let our relationship sour qualifies us for the “take your sick father’s job” talk. I appreciate your input, though, really I do.
So yes, that’s where I stand at the present. I’ll be heading down to the South Pole to help Katara with Tenzin for a few days before coming back. I don’t know if I told you about that before I left, so here’s your update. Try not to shed too many tears.
And, believe me, I never get tired of hearing your little tantrums about your advisors giving you — surprise — advice.
Zuko, please never change. I quite like you the way you are.
Missing you,
Suki
—
Suki,
I can’t believe it. I’m sure you’re just as shocked as I am, and probably a thousand times as upset. I just got Sokka’s letter, about Hakoda and his death. It was quick, he said, but full of violent coughs and aches that racked up and down his body. I am sick at heart for his family, but find that all my thoughts rest upon you.
The midnight chill that took him, is it contagious? Sokka said a few others in the tribe are showing symptoms. Suki, I can’t have you falling ill. I don’t know what I would do if I received a letter like Sokka’s last, bearing your name. It would crush me.
Please be as mindful as possible, for my sake if not your own.
From your friend,
Zuko
—
Zuko,
Sometimes I really don’t understand what goes on inside your mind. Sometimes I don’t even want to, but other times it’s as if the only thing I care about is my name on your tongue.
So, for “your sake,” as you say. I’ll tell you this: I’m physically fine. They wrapped Hakoda’s body in clean seaweed and gave him a proper burial before there was time for the sickness to spread. Those who had symptoms are just victims of the common cold.
Now that that’s taken care of, I can be angry. I can’t believe you. I don’t know how to say it any louder without the words actually leaving my throat. Every step forward we take, you force our feet backward.
You just spent two paragraphs describing your concern for my safety, and then you end it with “your friend.” What does that mean, Zuko? Is that what we are? It felt like you put those words there to spite me, somehow. To put into consideration just how you view our relationship.
Friends. I could put up an argument of just how much more than that we are, but would you listen to me? What happened to the Zuko who listened to me? The one who let his fingers brush against mine when we stood side by side? The one who whispered in my ear during dull council meetings and let his hair tickle my cheek? The one who makes me laugh like no one else does? The one who came into my bedroom late at night seven different times with no other reason than to say goodnight? The one who falls flat on my chest when we spar in the garden and makes me hold my breath? The one who looks me in the eye, his nose touching mine, our lips inches apart? The one who was my home?
I love that Zuko.
Do with that information what you will.
Suki
—
Found in the Fire Lord’s wastebasket: thirteen pieces of parchment with variations of apologies written on them. In perfectly good condition except for slight wrinkles in the center, suspected clenched fist.
—
Dear Suki,
Am I really home to you? I don’t know what to say. When I read your letter, I didn’t realize I was falling to the floor until I had. You make me knees buckle, Suki, did you know? I guess you didn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t have written what you did.
I know I should stop crossing things out. You don’t have to tell me. I see your face in my mind, rolling your eyes as you try to decipher my scribbles, wondering whether you should burn my sorry-ass apology in the fire. I see you everywhere.
The times we’ve sparred, when I stumbled on top of you and you held your breath? I was holding mine, too. When I came into your bedroom seven different times to say goodnight? It was so your face would be the last thing I pictured before I fell asleep. When I look you in the eye, our noses almost touching, our lips inches apart? I’ve thought about kissing you so many times, Suki. So many I can’t count them all. The missed opportunities slip through my fingers like sand.
I know you want me to say it. I know how much it must have taken out of you to come as close as you did, in your last letter. I want to say it, too. But I can’t. I just — can’t. There’s too many reasons, and all I can say for now is that I’m sorry. I’ll give you the space you didn’t ask for but I know you want.
From the man only you know,
Zuko
P.S. Thank you for telling me about your physical welfare. It means a lot.
—
Zuko,
Why do you always know what I need before I do I’m on Kyoshi Island. Please don’t try to come after me.
Suki
—
Found in the Fire Lord’s wastebasket: four pieces of parchment crumpled and crushed under force. Words are indecipherable, but tear stains are present.
—
Dear Zuko,
I don’t even know how to start this.
First of all, I guess, I’m sorry it’s been nearly a year since I got your letter in the South Pole. I know I sent you that horribly short note before I left, but I honestly didn’t know I’d be here for this long. I didn’t know I would miss Lin’s arrival and all the kids’ birthdays and so many other memories I won’t have a chance to keep. I was such a coward to my own feelings that I ran away without looking back.
Even in an argument, you know me better than anyone. You gave me the space I didn’t realize I needed, like you did after Sokka, like you did after the deaths of my warriors. I did a lot of thinking during those times, and I’m doing a lot of thinking now.
We keep having to apologize to each other, don’t we? Much like our letters, it’s become a sort of tradition. I think that’s just how it’s going to be with us, your Lordship. We’re both going to keep messing up for the rest of our lives, no matter where we are in them.
I’m sorry for reacting the way I did. It was stupid and immature and so not like me. I’m sorry for assuming so many things about our relationship, because, as you told me so long ago, they say things about people who assume. It wasn’t right of me to lash out at you like I did, but I also believe that my feelings were valid. I just didn’t exactly… express them correctly.
Of course we’re friends. I consider you one of my closest, if not the closest. Like I said before, you know me better than anyone. Better than I do. We’ve been together for so long I don’t know how to be without you anymore. Every day here on the island, not a minute has gone by where I wasn’t missing you. Missing us. Yes, you’re really home to me.
I understand your not being able to say anything about… this. You’re the Fire Lord, and I am — was — your sworn protector. And that may be all it ever is. Every time you ranted to me about the council nagging you about a queen, I told myself this, but the stubbornness of the phrase melted away over time, and I let myself believe things I shouldn’t have.
To sum up, I’m sorry that I left us on such bad terms, because, Zuko, the last thing I have ever wanted was for you to be hurt. Knowing that I made you feel like you have to cross out your words makes me feel very small, when you’ve always made me feel big. Like I was everything.
There are a few final things I need to wrap up here, but I’ll be coming home after that. I hope my replacement hasn’t been causing too much trouble in my extended absence, and I hope that this letter makes it to the shrine instead of in the fire.
Yours,
Suki
—
To my Suki,
There will never be a time when I receive a letter from you and my palms don’t start to sweat. I just wanted you to know that, so you never again apologize for giving me the words I so crave to hear from you.
The space I gave you, I also gave to myself, which is something I hadn’t realized I needed. And I, like you, took advantage of the time and thought. I thought about so many things, Suki, and how badly I’ve fucked up over the years. If you thought you hurt me, you can’t even imagine things on my end. I didn’t really know I could feel so many things at once. You’ve opened my eyes in so many ways. You’ve made me a better leader, a better person. How can I ever thank you for that?
I’m glad to hear you’ve been faring well on Kyoshi Island, even under the circumstances. It’s always been your happy place, hasn’t it? But I don’t truly believe home is where you come from; it’s where you can be yourself. And for me, that’s wherever you are.
When I show up at your doorstep in the coming days, fall to my knees, and ask you a question, please don't be alarmed. And don’t be afraid to cry a little bit. I don’t want to be the only one.
Love,
Zuko
—
Found on the Fire Lady’s desk: a draft of vows for her wedding. Originally formatted as a letter, it was altered for the ceremony, and this is thought to be the only raw copy.
Dear Zuko,
Nearly a decade ago, I wrote you a letter, voicing my concerns for your safety because of an attempted coup. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that letter would lead to my standing here today, across from you, the love of my life, about to make myself your wife.
A few years after that, I wrote you another letter, for an entirely different purpose, but I distinctly remember telling you how, if I were ever to get married, I would want it to be a nice, quiet event. I didn’t think it would be possible for the future Fire Lady, but you made it happen. Here we are today, in the garden just like we wanted, with our friends. Toph is most likely scratching herself in her dress beside me, Sokka probably dabbing his eyes at your side.
Zuko, I still don’t know what it is about you, but it truly is something. It’s everything. I can take care of myself, and you can take care of yourself, and for a long time that’s just how I thought it was going to be. I’m so happy that we’ve decided to make it a joint effort for the rest of our lives.
Nine months ago, you showed up at my door, heart on your sleeve and a ring in your hand, asking for my forgiveness and for my hand in marriage. And when I broke down in tears and slapped you across the face, you didn’t turn around and run in the opposite direction, which is when I really knew that you were the one for me.
I helped you up and apologized for hitting you , and you said that, once, I told you I always valued his input, and if I would do it just this one more time, we could die happy. Your piece of advice was this: no more apologizing.
So, Zuko, today I stand here, pledging myself to you, and I am not the least bit sorry about it. About any of it. There’s so much I could say, but really, who wants to hear all that, anyway? We know how we feel. We finally, truly, have the courage to admit it. I love you, Zuko. I love you.
No apologies.
Finally and truly,
Yours,
Suki