Work Text:
They tried to make it work, well… They could have tried a little harder just to say they did everything they could but maybe not even all the effort in the world would be enough to stop the tragedy that was their love.
Love. Lots of things were lacking in their relationship but love was not one of them, there were a lot of things that were "wrong", from the little differences to the big problems and all divergences they accumulated since the day they met and never dealt with. Even months after the break up both would catch themselves going over every little thing that made them fall apart, questioning themselves “if I had said a different thing that day” “if I had comforted him in that moment” “if I hadn’t left him alone in that situation” “if I…” But it’s over, they spent 4 years pretending they weren’t hurt by some words or actions, pretending everything was fine, trying to forgive unforgivable things, they can’t go back and change things and it’s not worth it trying again, not even if the love is still there.
Love alone isn't enough.
And of course there weren’t only bad things or they wouldn't even had started a relationship to begin with, but it seemed that the bad things were too prevalent, even hidden on the positive, like how Chuuya always found so hot how smart Fyodor is, his mysterious atmosphere only added to that, it was one of the major things that made him have feelings for the russian, but as the times passed he realized that it wasn’t that… fun. He couldn't keep up with him, sometimes his conversations were too much for Chuuya, hell not just sometimes but most of the time. Fyodor’s brain is just too complex for the ginger to comprehend and that was so scary, to not be able to follow his conversations, to see Fyodor sighing and putting an end on the subject they were (trying) to talk about because he can see Chuuya can’t understand him. Sometimes he even talked to Chuuya like he was a kid and he hated that so much. Occasionally it is nice to just talk about stupid shit without having to think too much, to let his head relax, but that is never the case with Fyodor.
He really appreciates Fyodor’s brain but it's also so intimidating for him, without realizing, his ex lover made him feel stupid so frequently, he started to feel like he wasn't ever going to be good enough for the other man and with more time he started to question if he was ever going to be enough for anyone. Fyodor was always someone so observant and always knew what was going on, but he didn’t realize that change in Chuuya's mind and that he was the one, even without intention, that caused that.
Fyodor also had the things he appreciated in Chuuya but had a negative effect on him. The ginger was like a hurricane, so full of life, an extrovert, he was ready for a challenge anytime, he liked to go out with frequency while Fyodor only wanted to stay in his bedroom and see as few people as possible. You would never know what would happen when you were with chuuya, but surprises weren't Fyodor's favorite. He likes to have control and to know what will happen, that's not how it was with his ex lover, it was like trying to hold back a tsunami with your bare hands before it hit the coast and Fyodor prefers to fight with his brain, not with physical power, specially not impossible battles.
That's another difference between them, Chuuya can be riled up easily and he can get a bit… aggressive while Fyodor doesn't resort to violence in that way, he prefers to have other people to do the dirty work for him, he has no problems in convincing them to do that, sometimes the person even ends up being Chuuya.
Fyodor also hates how easy it is to control him, not that he intentionally tried to do that… too much, but Chuuya blindly trusts him and that makes Fyodor feel like he was going insane. How can he do that?! Doesn't he know what Fyodor is capable of?! Of how many people he betrayed and how he wouldn't think twice before doing it again?! Chuuya should be the one who would know that the best for how close he is, but he has this trust that Fyodor wouldn’t intentionally hurt him. Stupid.
The reality is, he doesn't feel worth it of Chuuya's unconditional love. It feels so pure and he gives everything he got when he loves someone, that also makes Fyodor feel trapped, claustrophobic, like he can't breathe. He knows Chuuya never expected anything back, that’s just the way the ginger loves and he can’t change that, but Fyodor knows he will never be able to love someone as Chuuya does, he will never be able to give everything he got to someone, to give Chuuya what he deserves, he can’t even imagine putting someone else first and he shouldn't feel bad about it, is the most rational thing to do, but the illogical guilt keeps following him.
For so long it was only him and no one else, how was he supposed to open up to this tiny ginger that just trusts too much?! And the worst part is that he even wanted to for a period of time, to give Chuuya all his heart and soul, Fyodor would say that was the time he felt the weakest, Chuuya was his weak spot and he hated to have one.For so long it was only him and no one else, how was he supposed to open up to this tiny ginger that just trusts too much?! And the worst part is that he even wanted to for a period of time, to give Chuuya all his heart and soul, Fyodor would say that was the time he felt the weakest, Chuuya was his weak spot and he hated to have one.
Chuuya is like an open book, even if you don't know him, never saw him in your whole life you would have a easy time reading his expressions while Fyodor is a huge mystery, even the closest people in his life couldn't say what is going on in his head, if he enjoyed be around them or if he was going to stab them in their backs, that was also one of the things that made Chuuya insecure, he rarely knew what was happening in Fyodor's mind and that kept feeding his doubts. Chuuya needed constant reassurance and he didn't want to be annoying, he hated to be asking for more when in his head Fyodor was already doing so much for him (he wasn’t).
They weren't compatible even in bed. Fyodor liked to be in control all the time and it’s already hard to keep Chuuya on a leash in any other department so of course during sex it wouldn’t be different. When Chuuya take the control Fyodor is transformed in a mess, forming coherent sentences was impossible, telling Chuuya what he wanted was something he couldn’t even imagine happening, not that he needed to say or ask for anything, Chuuya was always a very attentive lover, he was aware of his partner’s needs and wants and never failed to make the other feel good, but it was always so much, Fyodor hated to be that vulnerable with anyone, even if the person was the most beautiful and amazing person he ever met and made him feel like he was in heaven. Fyodor just didn’t had the strength or the stamina to keep up and fuck even if it was nerve-racking to not be in power it always felt so, so good.
Speaking about physical contact, Chuuya is too needy, that’s a fact for anyone close to the ginger, he likes touch, to hold hands and to hug, to cuddle, to be touching any part of the person he loves when they are together, it can be a romantic partner but that also applies to his close friends, that's just who he is, someone that loves to feel the warm of the others when he feels comfortable around them. Fyodor on the other hand of course is the opposite, he needs way too much space. He does spend time with Chuuya, he lets him touch him, be all over him but he has his limit and the amount he is able to go through is too little for the ginger, Fyodor knows that and he wished he could do more sometimes, but it makes him overwhelmed.
That was period of times that he doesn’t even want to answer Chuuya’s messages or calls, he felt like the worst boyfriend because of that, Chuuya deserves better, however Fyodor needs space and he needs so much of it, he knows his ex partner understood at least part of it, he knew that contact for Fyodor wasn’t that natural and he respected that, still, Fyodor knew that hurt chuuya too.
Even if they were so different there was love there, there were beautiful moments they spent together, that they felt like falling in love with each other was the best thing that could have happened, that waking up to each other’s sleepy face was enough to guarantee a good day, feeling the cold hand touch their cheek was enough to bring a smile to their faces. Their lives were never easy, they were alone for different reasons, for being abandoned to being alone because of their own choices, so having someone by their side felt like a dream. Unfortunately that feeling, love, wasn’t enough to make things work, they made each other feel so many bad feelings too, insecurity, irritation, anger, frustration, guilt, sadness and right at the end of everything, loneliness.
Fyodor was the one to end it, of course. He knew Chuuya wouldn't, he was the type of person to hold onto things even if they were eating him alive, if he cared about you he would not let you go and that's nice but it should have a limit. They weren't good for each other and the ginger didn't want to accept that, he would fight for that relationship even if it was breaking him. Another thing Fyodor liked in theory but not in practice about Chuuya, it was not easy to change his mind once he decided something and for some reason, one that Fyodor would never understand, Chuuya decided that that relationship, that broken beyond repair relationship, was worth it, that Fyodor was worth it and that just wasn’t right. Fyodor never felt worthy of his love.
Looking back at it there were a lot of things that Fyodor loved in chuuya but there were too many things he hated too, maybe they were even in a bigger number. The ginger changed his life and he didn't know if it was for the better or the worse.
But there is nothing to do now, there is no use in going over and over again about what happened and how they could have prevented this end, it's over. Now they have to pick up the pieces and try to move on.