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After the Snap, the world was in disarray. People turning to dust became the common nightmares with which humanity had to struggle. There was chaos all over the world when people from all around the world panicked and tried to find their loved ones, begging the heavens and every single God in existence for the people they knew to still be alive and well, safely living their lives and not lost in the wind.
The lucky ones found most if not all of the people they knew to be alive. The unlucky ones ended up with barely anyone left behind. There were new orphan babies, crying for their parents to come and take care of them when they couldn’t. There were parents who sobbed at the lost of their children who slipped right through their fingers, blowing away from them and leaving nothing behind but pile of ashes.
Some people lost their pets. Some pets lost their owners. Some doctors panicked when their patients vanished. Some patients died because the doctors operating on them turned to dust. Babies fell to the ground when the hands holding them up snapped out of existence. Swings swung back and forth with nothing on top of them, moving in the wind. Planes crashed when their pilots vanished and boats were lost or drowned at the lack of their crew.
Screams filled the air and agony, grief and loss settled deep in the bones of the people who survived. The ones who didn’t disappear. The ones who wished they would have ended up gone, too, because how could they possibly live in a world where everyone was broken and empty and hurt? Where people were missing, just like that? Where the Avengers, for once in their life, lost.
It was hard – words couldn’t describe the amount of pain everyone went through during those trying times – but after months of sobbing and mourning and feeling lost in the darker world, people started waking up one by one, going back to trying to live their lives the best they could without drowning in their own misery. It was incredible, how stubborn people could be, even after going through such an experience.
But then they noticed. They noticed that Spider-Man was gone, too. Queens was the first to notice. The people living in the borough felt unsafe, the familiar flashes of red and blue gone from their streets. They looked for their vigilante – for their hero – everywhere, but he was gone. And once they started talking about it, whispering about the disappearance of their beloved hero, the rest of the city woke up and started demanding answers about where Spider-Man was.
There were people who suggested that maybe Spider-Man didn’t snap. He was just broken like the rest of them and didn’t want to keep on going out. He was depressed, they thought. He didn’t have the will to go out in his bright suit to help people. But others thought he just snapped away. That he was gone like so many others. That he wasn’t there because he COULDN’T be there. And that thought hurt.
They started looking for him. They started asking all over the city if anyone knew Spider-Man. If anyone knew where he was or who he was. They wanted to know whether to mourn or not. They wanted to know who was the brave person who stepped up to help without even getting the credit for his actions. And with J. Jonah Jameson snapped, too, it was easy not to hear the voices that claimed Spider-Man was a menace to society.
No one stepped forward. No one claimed to know the secret identity of the vigilante. People were clueless as to who he was and where he came from. The city never did know much about him. They just knew that he cared about them. That he was a hero. That he was THEIR hero. He didn’t need to be called an Avenger – he was already helping everyone without the title. There was a moment in time when everyone thought he might be declared as an official Avenger, but then it turned into Tony Stark proposing to Pepper Potts and people were both disappointed and relieved.
The people of Queens couldn’t explain why they didn’t like the idea of Spider-Man as an Avenger. Maybe it was because Spidey felt like someone close that they could count on with everything while the Avengers only showed up when the world was coming to an end. Maybe it was because their energetic, quippy hero was above that title. He did things the Avengers would never do that they considered a lot more important, sometimes. Because they helped the entire world while Spidey focused on people, not nations or countries.
Eventually, New Yorkers turned to Tony Stark. They knew he had some kind of connection to the vigilante and if anyone knew who the hero was, it would be the billionaire. At first there was no reply from the man who seemed to fall of the face of the earth ever since the battle against Thanos and the Snap. The few who have seen him in passing claimed he looked like a shadow of himself. So it wasn’t surprising that Stark didn’t answer to their questions.
Pepper Potts stepped up, eventually, calling for a press conference. She talked about the losses they all had to suffer because of what had happened. She talked about her own personal experience with the grief – how she lost most of her family because of the Snap. She talked about Stark Industries and a new foundation they were going to dedicate to the people who had no family left or no adult in their lives. The ones who needed help and couldn’t get it because the world was collapsing with how many people it needed to assist all at once.
And then she moved on to the subject they’ve all been waiting for. Spider-Man. “The battle against Thanos wasn’t limited to only one place. There was one here, on earth, in Wakanda. That’s the one most of you have heard of, I’m sure.” She said. “But there was another one on Thanos’ home planet. The people who fought him there were the Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange, Iron-Man,” She took in a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment and then looked straight at the cameras before her, seemingly looking at all of the people watching her on their screens. “And Spider-Man.”
She said that the Guardians of the Galaxy (the people had no idea who they were, but alright) and Doctor Strange turned to dust on that strange planet. And then she told everyone that Spider-Man died there, too. Iron-Man and a single member of the Guardians were the only ones of the fighters who didn’t vanish with the snap of Thanos’ fingers. The world heard those words and then sank into another wave of guilt.
As the news about the death of Spider-Man spread, more and more people begged for Tony Stark or Pepper Potts to tell them who he was. They wanted to know which family was grieving right now for the person they’ve been looking for. They wanted to know whose name they needed to chant under their breaths while thinking about the fact that a local vigilante such as Spider-Man ended up on a different planet to try and save all of them. God, they wanted his name so they could learn about the person who decided that saving lives on a daily basis for no gain was.
Thirteen months after the Snap, Stark Industries released a video called ‘If I Die Young’. Nobody needed to think too hard about what the video would be about. They all just pressed play and watched it.
It showed a lit room – a lab, to be exact – with pristine walls and plenty of high tech spread all over the place. There were Iron-Man suits in the background, standing dormant and waiting for something to do – anything, at this point. But there was nobody to fight, nobody to get. They were just ornaments, antiques. And before them, facing the camera with a grim, exhausted expression, was Tony Stark, eyes staring at the camera like he was trying to see past it, beyond the lens.
“Over a year ago… we lost. In ‘we’ I mean the Avengers. We set out to fight a greater threat than we’ve ever encountered before and… we lost. Maybe if we hadn’t been separated. Maybe if we’d been together and not in different places, fighting on our own… I don’t know. I don’t know what would have happened. What I do know is that we lost. I will admit that we were close to getting the gauntlet – Spider-Man and I almost had it but then things escalated and we… we didn’t make it. We lost. We lost the battle, we lost our people, we lost our parents and siblings and-and kids.
“We lost Spider-Man. I lost Spider-Man.”
He took in a deep breath – a shaky one – and the clip changed from him to what seemed to be a footage of a war zone. The camera moved like she was being attached to someone’s head as the shot swirled, the man with the camera looking around. The camera got clouds of dust blowing away in the wind and the people watching realized those were people, disappearing.
And then a young voice drew the camera’s attention. “Mr. Stark?”
The camera focused on… on Spider-Man, according to the suit. They’ve never seen this suit on Spider-Man before, but it was clearly him, with the red and blue (and gold). The suit was dirty, soaked with blood. And, everyone noted, Spider-Man had no mask on, his face exposed to the world. He was… he was a kid. They all drew in a sharp breath. Spider-Man was a kid – he couldn’t have been an adult. He was a minor. The world held its breath.
Looking down at himself and staggering a bit towards the camera – it had to be Tony Stark who had the camera, with all of his tech it made sense. The kid looked scared. “I don’t feel so good.” He mumbled, choked. A blue woman – a warrior the world grew to know ever since the Snap as one of the people who fought Thanos – watched as well, looking just as worried.
“You’re alright.” Tony Stark’s voice said.
The kid looked from the man to his hands over and over again, his legs taking him unsteadily towards the man. “I don’t-I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t – “ He stumbled right into the man’s arms and the camera could no longer see the vigilante – the kid – as he latched onto Tony Stark desperately. “I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go, sir, please. Please, I don’t wanna go.” The two of them shifted unsteadily until Spider-Man was on the ground, facing the sky for a long moment. The he looked at the camera, an almost faint grimace on his face. “I’m sorry.”
And then… then he turned to dust right before their eyes and the people all saw the way Tony Stark’s hands fell through the dust to the ground below. The camera stared at the dust, at the hands, and the man turned around silently, still staring at nothing in particular. Some people sobbed. Others gaped. They didn’t expect to see Spider-Man’s death. Spider-Kid, more like. They didn’t expect to hear the fear in his voice before he was whisked away. They didn’t expect to see the pain in his eyes.
Most people who got snapped away disappeared before they could even realize what was happening. Apparently, Spider-Man lasted longer. He saw the others before he was taken. He felt the pain as he was being torn apart. They didn’t need him to confirm that to know that it was true. It was written all over his face.
The scene cut back to Tony Stark in his lab. The man exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “I’ve been holding off on revealing Spider-Man’s identity because even though he’s gone… I hoped for him to come back and the kid really took to heart the whole ‘secret identity’ thing. He wanted a normal life and he wanted his family and friends to be kept as safe as possible. He didn’t want his choices to hurt them in any sort of way.” He shook his head. “His aunt got snapped, as well as his best friend. They were the only other people who knew about who he was.”
That broke the hearts of the people of New York. A few of them knew the boy. Like his teachers and classmates. Mr. Delmar and the Decathlon Team. His neighbors… There were even a few people who recognized him from just walking down the street every day past him. But most people didn’t know him. They thought back to that agonized face, the scared, fearful face from the video, and they sobbed because there was a kid on that battlefield.
“His name… was Peter Parker. Peter Benjamin Parker if you wanna know the fine details. He was sixteen when he… when the Snap happened. And he was fourteen when he started going out as Spider-Man.” The man let the words soak in for a few moments before he moved on. “His parents have been dead for years and Peter has been living with his aunt and uncle until his uncle was murdered, which was what led him to become Spider-Man.”
The clip changed again, once again being replaced by a clip that was probably taken by a suit or something on Tony Stark’s face. But this time it wasn’t a different planet and it wasn’t a war zone – it was a bedroom. A normal one, with a messy desk and a worried and hesitant teenager sitting on the bed, staring at the camera unsurely. Peter Parker.
“Why are you doing this?” Tony Stark’s voice asked. Peter just stared at the camera, shifting a little on the bed until his leg was resting on it, next to him. “I gotta know, what’s your MO? What gets you out of that twin bed in the morning?”
Peter sighed and looked down at his hand. “Because I’ve been…” He exhaled. “Because I’ve been me my whole life.” He looked back up at the camera, gesturing with his hands. “And I’ve had these powers for six months.” Tony Stark hummed. “I read books, I build computers,” The kid gestured towards his desk. “And-and yeah, I would love to play football. But I-I couldn’t then, so I shouldn’t now.”
“Sure, ‘cause you’re different.”
“Exactly. But I can’t tell anybody that, so I’m not.” He looked straight at the camera for a few seconds and then looked away, a different glint in his eyes, like he was going to say something that was hard to be brought up. “Look,” He looked down at his lap. “When you can do the things that I can, but you don’t…” The camera leaned forward, like Tony Stark was bending towards Peter, to hear him better. The boy locked his eyes with Tony Stark’s. “And then the bad things happen… they happen because of you.”
Tony Stark was back on screen, sitting in his lab with the motionless Iron-Man suits behind him, like bodyguards waiting for the next mission, the next threat to arrive. The man looked like he was trying to figure out what to say. The people who paid enough attention noticed the way Tony Stark looked older, like the last year has done him absolutely no good.
He rubbed his forehead and glanced at something to his right that the people couldn’t see. Then he looked back at the camera. “I was going to tell you how selfless and incredible the kid was. How smart and resourceful he could be. How brave and optimistic he was in the face of danger… but I don’t think you need to hear that. You already know that.
“There must be people out there who still can’t see shy, quiet and nerdy Peter Parker as sure, quick-witted and strong Spider-Man. And I guess that’s only fair – the kid always did act differently in his suit and out of it. Obviously all of those qualities came from Peter, but he didn’t get the chance to let some of them out as Peter Parker and Spider-Man was his way of coming out of his shell. He didn’t need to worry about what people might think because he was faceless. Nothing could follow him into his civilian life. He felt safer chasing down criminals with guns than when he was walking down the halls of his school. Go figure.
“I went through the video feed of his suit, trying to find something that would make me feel…” Tony Stark trailed off, looking for the right words. Eventually he just shook his head. “Anyway, I found something. Something he must have filmed when we were stranded on that other planet, after Thanos got away but before the Snap.” He took in a shuddering breath and offered the camera a tentative smile. “He wanted you to see this.”
The screen went black and then they could all see Peter Parker standing in front of the camera, his Spider-Man suit on, not counting the mask, and he was glancing over his shoulder to see if the coast was clear. It was. It sounded like he was alone. The place was dark and somewhat tinged red. Peter’s face was a little bloodied and his stance wasn’t as confident as it usually was – he was hurt.
Still, he smiled and waved at the camera. “Hey! Um, I just felt like… I should probably say something in case we don’t…” He frowned and then inhaled and exhaled. “In case we don’t come back.” He let the words hang in there for a moment before waving his hand dismissively. “I don’t know who is going to find this – if anyone ever will – but I really hope it’s someone I trust and not, like, an alien,” He leaned closer to the camera. “But in case you are an alien, then please don’t take this personally. I’m just a little freaked out after fighting an alien with a bunch of other alien to get… magic stones?
“Breathe, Peter.” He scolded himself under his breath, looking almost like he was on the verge of a panic attack. Then the kid looked back at the camera, soft smile back on his face. “Okay, so… whoever finds it… in case I don’t make it… please show this to the people who live in Queens. Ooh, better yet – the ones from New York. If the city still exists…” He shook his head. “Of course it still exists. Are you crazy? The world will burn before New York disappears. Stop being stupid, Parker. Come on.” He looked worried for a moment and glanced back over his shoulder. There was still nothing there. “I’ll try and make it quick because I don’t think Mr. Stark would appreciate me doing anything like this.
“So I suppose I should introduce myself first. My name is Peter Parker, and I’m Spider-Man.” He scrunched up his nose. “God, this feels weird to say out loud. But anyhow, I’m on Titan right now with Mr. Stark, those aliens guys that tried to kill us earlier and Doctor Strange, which I still don’t know the real name of, by the way. That was an awkward moment…” He coughed in embarrassment and scratched the back of his neck. “We tried to fight the purple alien with the gauntlet but then Doctor Strange gave him the stone to save Mr. Stark and, well… he teleported away. It was CRAZY! I mean, pretty awesome – I AM in space right now – but also slightly disturbing. I mean, how are we gonna get back home? We’re kind of stranded here.
“Doesn’t matter. The point is that… as much as Mr. Stark tries to reassure me, I know there’s a pretty big chance we won’t make it out of here. I-I might not make it out of here and I don’t want anyone I know to worry about me or-or wonder what happened… So I snuck away from Mr. Stark to film this, just in case. Better to be ready and all that, right?” He bit his lip nervously. “So I’m gonna just try and-try and say goodbye, okay? And don’t cut me off because it’s hard enough as it is.” He joked, his eyes twinkling a little with both tears and amusement. The people choked on their sobs. “Okay, alright. You can do this.
“I’m gonna start with individual people, alright? I think they deserve this. Aunt May?” He looked at the camera like he was hoping he’d see her in front of him all of a sudden. His eyes turned glassy. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left the school bus to see what the donut spaceship was. I’m sorry I let it pull me up and I’m sorry I didn’t let Mr. Stark send me back before it was too late. I just… I had to help, you know? Besides, when have you ever known me as someone who’d skip the opportunity to fight aliens in space? It’s like living through a Star Wars movie!
“I should, uh, thank you, right? For everything you’ve ever done for me. That’s what people say before they die and they want to say something to their loved ones, right? So, I know you know it already, but I love you. I mean, you and Uncle Ben took me in when my parents died and you didn’t even complain when I was a real piece of work. Thank you for not giving up on me and for always being there, even when I felt like you weren’t or when I tried to push you away. And I’m sorry about what happened to Ben. I should have stopped it and then you wouldn’t have lost the person you love but…” He pursed his lips. “I made a mistake. I’m sorry. And I hope you’re going to be okay.
“Next is… Ned, I think. Hi! I know that even though you might be sad, this is probably still one of the coolest things you’ve ever experienced so just know that you’re allowed to geek out. I mean, look at this place!” Peter gestured around and the camera swirled slowly to show the planet. There was nobody in sight, still. “This is a PLANET! In SPACE! Dude, I was on a SPACESHIP! I’m freaking out and geeking out and I keep on waiting to see a green alien that would share with me some of his wisdom but for now there’s only a human that’s half alien, two pretty, um, stupid aliens and a scary lady with blue skin that looks a little like a robot…
“Thank you for everything, Ned. I mean, you’ve basically been there through everything and I can’t imagine things differently. I can’t think of a better friend. You’ve been there when my parents died and I wouldn’t get out of my room, and when Skip…” His cheeks turned a bright shade of red and he looked away, clearly embarrassed by the mention of the name. Then he set his jaw and looked back at the camera. “You know,” He settled on and then smiled again. “You’re the best Guy in the Chair in the world, guaranteed. I mean, you think Spider-Man is the coolest thing in the world even though right now it also means I might never see you again. I’m just… please finish the Falcon Lego set, okay? It took too much work not to finish it. And, um… maybe make sure May’s fine.
“Alright. Alright, that was… yeah, that was that.” He looked over his shoulder once more. Still nothing. “I guess Mr. Stark is still busy arguing with Doctor Strange to wonder where I am. Huh. So I can get one more! Alright. So… hi, MJ.” He looked at the camera a little sheepishly, his face gaining a pink hue. “I guess you’re gonna be, uh, kinda… kinda surprised to hear your name here ‘cause we’ve only been friends for a couple of months,
“But… but you’re… I mean, you’re just so…” He pressed his lips. “I think you’re cool. And you’re always trying to look indifferent but I know you secretly care. And I just really, really like you.” He ran his fingers through his hair awkwardly. “Which is a stupid thing to say like this because if you do get to see this, I’m gonna be dead and then, what’s the point, right? Unless, of course, you don’t like me back and then it’s really convenient, right?
“Why did I just say that?” Peter muttered under his breath, his eyes glancing around before he settled back on the camera. “Oh well, I guess I owe one more apology to someone. Um… hey, Liz.” He looked like he wasn’t sure where to begin. Everyone watched this with wide eyes, tears running down their faces freely. “I need to… Uh, that is… I’m really sorry about how everything went down. I mean, I asked you to Homecoming and then you said yes, which is a miracle all by itself because why would you wanna go with me, right? But I swear on my life – no, that doesn’t mean much. I just swear that I didn’t know back then about your dad. I only found out when I came to your house that night and he opened the door and I recognized him.
“It was probably my Parker Luck striking again but it just caught me off guard and I… I didn’t know what to do. And then he drove us to the school and he got you out of the car so that we’d stay there alone and he threatened to kill everyone I cared about – which is ridiculous, because that should have included you and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have murdered you, you know? – and me if I don’t cooperate and leave him alone.
“I should have probably let it go. I shouldn’t have gone after him but when I chose to ignore someone bad last time, my uncle died because of it. I couldn’t make the same mistake again. I… I left you alone at Homecoming because I went after your dad, which is like the worst thing I could’ve done to you. I don’t expect you to forgive me – I did get your dad arrested and put in jail. That must suck, right? I’m just really sorry I ruined your life. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and I just… need you to know that.
“I guess I’m gonna finish with everyone else, huh? I mean, I could try and talk to Mr. Stark, too, but I’m pretty sure that would be useless ‘cause if I end up dead, he might die, too. And I’m trying to finish before he finds out I’m gone, so… no wasting time anymore, okay? Okay. Yeah, I can do it. Just… talk to New York like they care.” He looked a little uncomfortable, twitching there in front of the camera. “Who am I kidding, no one’s gonna watch this.” He whispered and then shook his head. “Don’t think like that. Come on, just…” He went quiet when there was a rustling noise from his right side and he glanced over there but then exhaled. “Okay, get it over with, Peter. You can do it.
“Hi, everyone. I’m not… I’m not sure what I should tell you all. I mean, I’m pretty sure a lot of people don’t even like me because I’m a vigilante and I probably break, like, plenty of laws to try and help but I hope there are people who know I’m just trying to do the right thing. I’m not a murderer or a killer. I’m not waiting for you to get your guard down so I can pounce and move on with my evil plan – though that’s pretty cool, I guess. I’m just trying to help because it’s the right thing and even if you don’t want me out there, if I can save one person by being out there, I’m gonna be there.
“I’m not trying to sound like a saint because I’m definitely NOT one. I make plenty of mistakes. Pretty sure Mr. Stark could name a few without having to think about it too hard. The Ferry incident comes to mind… Sorry about that, by the way. I was in way over my head and I shouldn’t have done that. So many people were out there and I could’ve killed them all. I was reckless and really desperate to prove myself, I almost got everyone killed. I hope you can forgive me.
“Oh, by the way, I’m sure a lot of you right now think I’m too young for all of this because, frankly, everyone I meet thinks that. Except for Mr. Toomes who tried to kill me but I guess that was okay. I mean, I did get in his way multiple times. I’m annoying like that.” He grinned and then ducked his head. “When I first got my powers I didn’t decide to go out and, like, stop bad guys. I actually suppressed them because I was already considered a freak – I didn’t need the extra attention or to have more reason for people to think I’m weird.
“But then I had this stupid fight with my aunt and uncle and I… I stormed out of the house in the middle of the night and this thief ran out of a store right past me. The owner yelled at me to stop that guy but I didn’t want to. I felt like being selfish and moody and… it makes sense. I’m a teenager, right? But then Uncle Ben – he must have followed me out to try and calm me down and get me back home – stood in this guy’s way and-and he tried to stop him but the man just pulled out a gun and shot him. And I turned around and Uncle Ben was dying and that guy ran away with the money and with the gun and I could have STOPPED it. I could have, but I didn’t want to.
“That’s why I’m Spider-Man. It’s because if I can stop something from happening, I should do it. ‘Cause if I don’t, that’s gonna be on me, right? I mean, we encourage people to be active when people get bullied or hurt or humiliated. When people stand on the sidelines we accuse them of doing nothing instead of stepping up. I don’t ever wanna be the guy that stand on the sidelines. And I know that I can make a difference, so I do my best. You might not approve of what I do or how I do it, but it’s definitely better than me just turning my back and walking away.
“I hope New York stays safe after I’m gone. I hope there will be people out there, willing to step up and help when it looks hopeless to some people because it DOES change things. Even if it’s something small, helping a person changes their day. I know I feel better when I prevent something bad from happening.
“I love you, New York. I love the city and the people and the stinky smell and stupidly loud noises in the middle of the night when people are supposed to be asleep.” He opened his mouth to say more but then there was the sound of footsteps and Peter turned his head around quickly.
Tony Stark’s voice came from off screen. “Underoos! Kid, where the hell are you?? I turn my head for one second and the next you’re gone and I’m stuck in a dumb conversation with the dullest creatures in the universe.” He said, sounding annoyed, but there was clear worry in his voice. “Parker!”
Turning to the camera quickly, Peter smiled apologetically. “Time’s up. Hopefully, nobody’s gonna hear this. Bye!” His hand flew towards the camera as his head turned around. “I’m here, Mr. Stark! I’m coming – “
And then the screen went black and people were shaking all over the world, all over the city, as they stared at the screens like they expected to see Peter Parker smiling again, laughing again. Talking to them again about how they had to stand up instead of turning their backs. How they had to stop the bad things before they happened as long as they could. But all that was on the screen was Tony Stark in his lab again, looking like he’s aged a few years in mere minutes.
“Ned, May, MJ… they all got snapped.” He said solemnly to the camera. “So they will never hear this message. But the rest of you will. The ones who did survive. The ones who didn’t die. The ones who were left here.” Tony Stark drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment, looking lost. “I lost my kid that day. I didn’t even know he was prepared to say goodbye like this. I didn’t think he would… do something like that.” He shook his head. “And it took me months to even gather the energy to try and look for anything left from him. But Im gonna try and live up to what he wanted.
“I hope you do, too.”
The screen went black and the video ended.
A week later there were countless people outside, walking down the streets of Queens with Spider-Man merch – masks, suits, web-designs, ropes – anything that could be attributed to Spider-Man. They all walked with their heads bowed but their steps determined. They walked towards the apartment building where they all knew housed the Parkers when they were still alive.
No one stepped inside. No one took a step too close. They all just looked up at the windows, trying to guess where Peter Parker’s bedroom window was because that was probably where he got in and out in his costume to protect all of them on a daily basis. They tried to see something, anything, of the boy in those walls. There was nothing, but they didn’t mind. They just stood there and watched the building like that could bring back their vigilante. Their hero.
Like it could bring back Peter Parker.
Peter got out of the car quickly, his legs carrying him unnaturally fast towards the apartment building, his eyes burning and his limbs shaking and his wounds, injuries and bruises aching. He could hear Happy screaming at him, yelling at him to wait and not run because he was still hurt. There were other voices, calling after him, urging him to slow down, to stop. But he ignored them all – he was probably imagining them all – in favor of running forward. He burst into the building and instead of taking the elevator, he climbed up the stairs. Seven floors, but it was worth the pain.
And then he reached his floor and Peter opened the door to the hallway. His neighbors were all outside, staring wide-eyed at each other and then at Peter. Their jaws dropped but Peter didn’t care. He only had eyes for the woman next to their apartment doors who looked around in confusion before she spotted Peter and opened her arms.
“May!” He launched himself into her hug and for the first time in a very long time – five years? Really?? – he let himself feel small. He let her squeeze the breath out of him even though it hurt – everything hurt so much – and she kissed him so many times, his head was spinning. There were murmurs around them but Peter couldn’t care less because Aunt May was alright. She wasn’t dead. She was right there, with him. “May, I didn’t… I can’t believe I…” He choked on his own words and shook his head. “It’s been five years.”
She hummed. “I know, baby, I know.” She whispered gently and ran her fingers through his hair. “Are you okay? Oh, what am I asking – of course you’re not. I heard… Tony… did he really…?” She trailed off and Peter pulled away enough to nod once, his lips pursed. May’s eyes dimmed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Pete.”
He was shaking even more now, the tears slipping out of his eyes. He was aware of the people around them but he kinda wanted to believe they weren’t listening to their conversation. “May, I woke up and Mr. Stark was gone and I was in space with this wizard guy – there’s a wizard guy – and I was freaking out because I didn’t know what happened or how to fix it, right? And then the wizard brought us back to the compound but it was all ruined. Like, I wouldn’t have known it was the compound if Happy hadn’t told me. God, May…” He shook his head and his vision was so blurry from the tears now, he couldn’t see her face. “I didn’t want to kill anyone but they kept on coming and they tried to kill us and I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have any other choice. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“It’s okay.” May said again and wiped the tears from his cheeks. She had her own ones going down her face. “It’s gonna be okay.” She observed him carefully, eyes narrowed. “For now, let’s just get you patched up, alright? I’m just glad you didn’t have to see the scene I caused back in there,” She pointed at the apartment and shook her head, a breathless laugh escaping her lips. “Someone else lives there now. I… is Happy still here?”
Peter nodded. “Yeah, he said there was someplace else we could stay for now.” He said and finally looked around. Everyone was staring at them. They were staring at him. He gulped. “Um…” He looked down at his battered body and chuckled safe consciously while trying to dry his eyes. He must have looked like death itself. And those people didn’t know why a random teenager would look this hurt. They didn’t know the truth. “Hi?”
Some people gaped. Others squealed and jumped in place. There were a few who looked mostly disoriented and stared at Peter blankly, clearly not sure why everyone else was staring. Peter could relate. And then Mrs. Anderson – one of their neighbors – stepped towards him carefully, her silver braid swinging back and forth behind her back. She offered Peter a sad, tentative smile. “We saw the video, Peter.”
For a moment he just stared at her, confused as to what video she was talking about. And then it came back to him. Running quietly away from Mr. Stark to film the most terrifying thing he’s ever filmed. It wasn’t anything he thought he’d do until his limbs moved on their own. Until his mouth opened and it all just tumbled out. He couldn’t believe someone found it. He couldn’t believe people watched it. Obviously, that was what it was made for, but he thought about how many secrets were in this video. How raw he felt while filming it.
He staggered back, mouth ajar – just a little – and leaned against a wall, Aunt May moving quickly to stand by his side, looking confused. Of course she was confused – she had no idea what this video was about because she was gone for five years, too. Peter brought his hand up to his head and stared blankly ahead. “Oh.” Was all he could utter out and then he shook his head and tugged on his aunt’s hand. “Let’s-let’s go. Now.” He said. Begged. Pleaded.
May followed him.
After Mr. Stark’s funeral, Peter looked for the video in a room Mrs. Potts said belonged to him because Mr. Stark never wanted to give up. So in the cabin, there was a room with Star Wars posters and an Iron-Man doll hugging a Spider-Man one. He nearly broke down at the sight of the dolls but he pushed through and settled on the bed, cross-legged, to look for his video on the Internet.
It was there, alright. Everywhere. People commented in languages Peter didn’t even know. They shared and liked and reposted it countless times. They quoted his own words in their posts and videos. There were news broadcasts with his video starring. People… people thought it was inspiring. Peter just ignored that. He didn’t want to watch his video. He only watched the one on the Stark Industries page. The one where he could see Mr. Stark talking about him. Even if there wasn’t much to see, it was enough to make Peter sob and rewatch and rewatch AND REWATCH.
He wanted to hear Mr. Stark’s voice. He wanted to see him, even if he looked at least ten years older than Peter’s remembered. He wanted to hear him calling Peter his kid over and over again even though Peter knew Mr. Stark later had Morgan – his own, real kid. His own flesh and blood. Mrs. Potts said it didn’t matter what Peter wasn’t related to them by blood – he was family. And poor Morgan jumped at him immediately, telling Peter about all of the stories her dad had about him. About how amazing he was. She thought he was her brother. He didn’t know how to tell her that he wasn’t.
Actually, when she called him that – her brother – for the first time, Peter nearly had a heart attack and his wide eyes quickly moved over to look at Mrs. Potts. He expected the woman to be upset or angry at the stupid assumption. But she just smiled at Morgan and smiled encouragingly at her. Peter didn’t know what to think.
There were endless texts and unanswered calls on his phone. They were all from strangers or old classmates. Maybe teachers or random people he could barely remember the names of. He ignored them and focused on the ones that really mattered. Ned asked him so many questions, Peter couldn’t even answer them all over texts. But it was obvious Ned had seen the video after he came back to life because he told Peter not to be stupid and that they were going to finish the Falcon set together.
MJ left one text, in which she just told Peter to get back to her whenever he was free, which meant he could take his time and hold off the inevitable – whatever she had to say to him, he was going to face it when he was less raw, more ready. And then there was Liz. She didn’t die – didn’t vanish – when Thanos snapped his fingers so she was there when the video first launched. She told Peter that at first she was mad. She was fuming with rage. He was actually glad he wasn’t there for THAT. But eventually she cooled down. She forgave him. She hoped he could forgive himself, too.
The city was agitated. Peter could tell they were all expecting to see Spider-Man again. They wanted to see him swinging around after all of this time. After five years. Peter watched their words online, comforting, encouraging, caring. They loved him. Not because he was Spider-Man, but because he was Peter Parker. Not his words – they were theirs. He was just quoting them. But the problem was that Peter didn’t know how to wear his suit again without feeling like he might drown again. Might get hurt or lose someone else.
He just lost Mr. Stark. He just came back to life! Couldn’t he take a break??
With the hood over his head, Peter tried to blend in without looking too suspicious. He knew it was an awful way of not attracting attention to himself but he had to take a walk around because the apartment felt like it was choking the breath right out of him. It’s been two months of being cooped up between those walls. Two months of not contacting the outside world as much as possible because he couldn’t face them. He couldn’t face his friends or his city or even the people he cared the most about. He even pulled away from May – just a little.
His legs took him towards Midtown on their own. People sent him looks but he just ducked his head and kept on walking, begging for the hoodie to keep his face unseen. He didn’t want the attention. He didn’t want the eyes boring into his. He didn’t want any of it. He wasn’t ready to face the world who all knew who he was. He wasn’t ready to be their hero, yet.
It was after school hours. The place was empty and there were no teenagers around. Peter wasn’t surprised. He knew that school went back into sessions a month after they defeated Thanos. He knew he should have probably gone back to class but he couldn’t bear the thought of everyone staring at him shamelessly like he was their personal entertainment.
Freezing in his place, Peter’s eyes almost bugged out at the sight of the familiar figure sitting on a bench in the schoolyard, book in hand and head bent down to read. Her curls bounced in the wind and she looked like she was oblivious to the rest of the world for the time being, too consumed in her own world of literature. Peter stared at her for a few moments, debating what to do. And then her eyes lifted and she looked at him – at his FACE – and they just… stared at each other silently.
Her head dropped back down and she went back to reading her book as if seeing Peter wasn’t strange or unusual. He furrowed his brows, sent a look around them to make sure there was nobody else around, and then walked slowly towards her, sitting in the seat opposite to her quietly. She didn’t look up. She didn’t even acknowledge his presence nearby. She just kept on reading.
“H-hi, MJ.”
She glanced up at him and flashed him a tiny smile. “Hey, loser.” She went back to her book.
Peter frowned. “How have you been?” He asked. MJ sent him a look again and then snapped her book shut, put it on the table between the two of them and leaned forward to look at him with narrowed eyes. Peter shifted in his place. “What?”
“Why are you here, Peter?”
He swallowed thickly, looked around and then released a breathless laugh, not sure what to think. “Um, what? What do you mean?” He asked and then his eyes fell on her book and he scrambled onto his feet in a flash. “Oh, sorry. I just totally interrupted, right? I mean, you were reading and you didn’t tell me I could sit with you, which is really, really rude. I’ll just go, okay? I’m sorry – “
“Sit down.” She said, sounding almost tired. He hesitated. “I’m serious – I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t welcome.” She said and he finally dropped onto the bench with a thud again. She crossed her arms over her chest. “What I meant was… you’ve been hiding from everyone – from the world – for a pretty long time now, don’t you think?” She prompted.
Shifting in his place, Peter rubbed his hands together in discomfort. “I mean… I wouldn’t call it that…”
She snorted. “What would you call it?” She demanded and when he snapped his mouth shut, MJ’s expression softened and she looked at him like she was trying to reach something in him. A part that was buried deep inside. He gulped. “You’ve been through a lot, Peter. I get that – I really do. No one can blame you for needing some space and time to think.” She reached out and touched his hand, the touch sending sparks up and down Peter’s arm. “But don’t you think it’s been long enough? People in this city have been waiting for you to come back for five years. And now you’re back but… you’re not here.” She gestured upwards with her head. “You’re still up there, aren’t you?”
It felt awkward, to stand there and not reply to the question but Peter didn’t know what to say. He wanted to say it wasn’t true. He wasn’t stuck up in space. He wasn’t stuck on those memories from Titan. He wasn’t stuck with the images of Thanos stabbing Mr. Stark with his own weapon. He really, really wasn’t. But where he wasn’t stuck wasn’t that much different, was it? He was on earth, stuck in that compound with the aliens that came after him, ready to kill him. He was stuck with their bodies all around him, dead because HE had to. Because he needed to get out of it alive and that was the only thing he could come up with.
He was stuck in front of Mr. Stark’s unseeing eyes as the man sat there, head lulling and expression blank. He wasn’t with them anymore. He couldn’t even hear Peter chanting that they won, that Thanos was gone, that everyone was back. He wasn’t with them because he was dying in front of their eyes and Peter couldn’t stop seeing those last moments of his mentor and idol. He couldn’t stop seeing the light leaving his eyes for the last time. The way Mrs. Potts hung her head to bite back a sob. The way Happy looked at Peter when he offered to drive him back home even though his friend and boss just died.
“You deserve to have all the time in the world to get over it. You should have that time.” MJ pressed, eyes softer than he’s ever seen them before. “But you don’t because the world has been through hell and we might not have been around for it, but there’s evidence of people asking about you when we were all gone.” She drew her eyebrows closer together. “Did you see it? All of the questions people asked about where you’ve been and what happened to you and whether or not you were gone, too?”
With a shortened breath, Peter nodded his head once. “I-I saw it, yes.” He whispered.
She narrowed her eyes a little. “They’re waiting for you.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do about it?”
They stared at each other, quiet and unsure and urging and pleading and desperate. Peter wasn’t sure what to say back. He didn’t know what MJ expected from him. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting from himself. He remembered the way he urged everyone to do good and never turn their backs if they could help. He remembered the stories people wrote in return about the times they followed his advice and helped others.
And now he was back to square one, not stepping up when people needed him? The world was getting back on its feet, trying to come to terms with everything that’s happened in the last five years. Thanos came, people died, Thanos came again, people came back to life, Thanos died. It was a lot to take in. For everyone, not just Peter. And even though things were hard and chaotic and people were still unsteady, they were pushing through, determined to get back to their lives. To live again. And they called for Peter to do the same, urging him to come back to them because they needed him.
And they really did need him if the news about the crime all over the city was anything to go by. He once fought crime all across the city without any help, keeping the streets safe. Safer than before, at least. And now he was sitting back and watching as people were afraid to come out because he wasn’t there to fight for their safety. How could he ever live with himself knowing that? But how was he supposed to wear the suit Mr. Stark made him without feeling like he didn’t deserve it? Like he didn’t do enough to assure his mentor stayed alive and well? He died, leaving behind Mrs. Potts and a daughter and Peter got to live. It wasn’t FAIR.
A loud crash made MJ and Peter turn around. At the end of the street was a building next to a tall crane that seemed to move and crash into the building, smashing the windows and walls of a certain floor. People were screaming and pointing up at the damaged floor as things started falling down to the street, smashing against the ground and causing mayhem and chaos to spread. Without even thinking about it, Peter got up and ran towards the building, MJ following suit like she was used to joining him on his journey TOWARDS the danger instead of away from it.
“Oh, my God!”
“Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!! What the hell?!”
“There’s someone there! Look!”
“Someone call the police!”
“Firefighters!”
“Maybe we can pull a mattress and put it down? It would soften the fall, right?”
“Don’t be stupid!”
Peter listened to the hysteric voices as people started pointing towards the woman dangling from the edge of the floor, hanging for dear life above the city. There was a child hugging her waist to stay in the air and not fall down. Peter blanched and MJ hissed and widened her eyes in distress. Her hand came up to squeeze his and Peter’s eyes snapped down to look at their joined hands.
When he looked back up at her, he found her eyes locked on his. She didn’t say anything, but her expression had it all. She was scared. She was worried about those two people who were about to fall, plummet to their deaths. She wanted him to step up and listen to his own advice. And the thing was, Peter found himself gathering the courage to do it – to get back out there and save people like he was used to do before it all went to hell. He was scared. He was terrified of his luck bringing his second death or someone else’s. He worried about how rusty he probably was after not using his powers for two months.
But he had to try, didn’t he?
Pulling his hand out of her hold, Peter saw a flicker of confusion and hurt on her face, like she was afraid he was going to leave without doing anything. But then he activated his web-shooters and her face relaxed a little. With a tight grin directed towards her, Peter sent two webs towards a couple that was before them and pulled them back right before a large piece of debris could crush them. They stumbled and were knocked off their feet before looking back, seeing the webs and then seeing Peter. Their eyes lit up.
Peter tried to calm himself down as he sent two webs onto the collapsing building. He tugged on them as hard as he could and then let the webs pull him off the ground and up to the side of the building. He stuck to it with his fingertips and legs and ignored the surprised, shocked calls of the crowd below before he started climbing as quickly as possible towards the woman and the child. They haven’t noticed him, too busy trying not to slip and fall, but when people shouted his name – Spider-Man and Peter Parker – the woman and the child tilted their heads to look down and see what they were talking about.
Their eyes locked and Peter pushed himself faster and faster. He thought back to the accident at Washington DC. To the memory of having to climb that stupidly high building to save his friends. It was eerily similar. He tried not to think about that too much and instead dedicated himself to climbing up, up, up.
“HELP US!” The woman cried out when Peter was closer to her and the child than he was to the screaming people below. Seriously, his ears were beginning to ache from the constant sharp noise. He needed them to maybe try and be quieter but they seemed adamant on hurting him. “Please, please help!” She sobbed.
Peter couldn’t go any faster. “I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming. Hang on, please…” He mumbled under his breath. Actually, he was huffing the words out, trying to breathe them up and send them to the duo dangling dangerously along with the wind. “Oh, my God, this is high. I’m coming. SHIT!” He pressed himself against the building when a part of the ceiling of the ruined floor tumbled towards him and Peter sucked in a sharp breath before he sent a web downwards to catch the falling piece and prevent it from crushing the people below. “Move! Get out of the way!”
He watched as people ran away and then slowly, carefully, lowered the debris before sighing in relief and snapping his head in the screaming people above him. Right, he still needed to get to them. He was climbing towards them again when the woman shrieked. “I’m slipping!”
“Hang on!” He countered, his muscles aching with how much he was driving them to MOVE. “I’m coming, I’m almost there.”
“I can’t!” She sobbed. “I CAN’T! Shit, we’re going to die. I’m going to die!” And then she yelled again, a sharp sound that would have made Peter cover his ears with both hands had he been in any other situation, and he watched as her hand slipped and she and the child began to fall down, both screaming at the top of their lungs. “NO!!”
Peter’s eyes widened. “I’ve got you! I’ve got you!” He didn’t even look down at the long fall he had ahead of him and just jumped away from the wall he was clinging to and towards the middle of the street, his hands held out to catch the woman and the child. Their bodies landing in his open arms made Peter’s fall quicken and they were headed quickly towards the ground, the ocean of entranced, fearful people below screaming and yelling in a chaotic mess that made Peter want to claw his ears out. “I’ve got you.” Peter repeated and then quickly sent a web towards another building.
His body jerked with the sharp motion as their fall was stopped by his web and his arm. He bit his lip but didn’t complain. He was used to this pain. He… he used to do that all the time. And the pain disappeared quickly anyway, so it didn’t matter as long as he didn’t dislocate his shoulder, which he didn’t. So now he was just swinging swiftly with the two terrified people who were holding on like he was ever going to let them fall.
“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Peter mumbled and then sent another web, closer to the ground. He landed eventually, his legs nearly giving up from under him. He was shaking all over but he tried to shove his own fear down because the woman and the child were both the ones who were really in danger. Peter could protect himself. He’s been through worse. That was nothing compared to his past adventured. But he still felt like he was about to collapse.
He looked around, as if expecting the aliens to come back and fight him. Like someone might crawl out of the shadows and attack him. Nothing came. Peter was safe. He was safe and those people were safe and a wave of familiar warmth spread through his body, suppressing the shakiness of his limbs. He wasn’t dead. These people weren’t dead. He saved them. He did what he used to do on a daily basis and saved them, even if he didn’t have his suit on and even if he didn’t have Mr. Stark waiting to hear that he was alright. He did it because he was capable of saving people. That was what he was good at. That was what he decided to do because… because he couldn’t let others end up like Uncle Ben.
His legs buckled and he fell to the ground, his hand flying up to his hair and he tugged lightly on the curls there. “What have I done…” He muttered, whispered.
The woman and the child stood there, frozen to the spot and shaking all over – harder than him. Their eyes looked haunted. Right, because they were about to die. They would have died had it not been for Peter getting his shit back together. How many people had died, had been assaulted or hurt because he was too scared to act these last months? The last years that he’s been gone??
Looking up at the woman and child, Peter blinked and then got back up and put a hand on each of their shoulders. Their eyes landed on him. The child looked shaken but awestruck at the sight of him. The woman’s eyes barely managed to focus on him. Peter never really learned what people needed after a near death experience. He never tried to read about what could help with shock and fear and absolute terror. But he knew that for him, people’s touch could ground him, pull him back to the present – even if just a little.
“Hey,” He said, voice soft and gentle. He could see the ways their eyes flitted back over his shoulder to the building they nearly plummeted down from. “It’s okay. You’re safe, you’re okay.” The child looked better but the woman just shook her head mutely. At least she wasn’t screaming. Was it good? Peter smiled at the child. “Hey,” He bent down to be able to look the child in the eyes. “What’s your name, buddy?”
“You’re Spider-Man.” He replied, voice small but filled with awe.
Peter smiled. “Sure am.” It felt weird to say that without his mask, but he shoved the feeling back. He needed to calm the boy down. “And you are?”
“Tim.” The boy tugged on the woman’s hand. “That’s my mommy.”
“Cool.” Peter ruffled the boy’s hair and then straightened up to look at the woman. She stared at him, slowly coming back to her senses. There was a small, tight smile on her face, like she was confused about why she was smiling, but could still manage that. “You okay, ma’am?” He asked, biting his lip unsurely. “You’re really pale. I mean, I guess that’s understandable but… I mean… you’re gonna be alright, right? ‘Cause you didn’t die. And Tim’s fine.” He glanced at Tim. “You’re fine, right?”
The boy nodded enthusiastically, looking like he already forgot about his near-death experience. Peter wanted the ability to just move on from such a thing without being shaken to his core, too. The woman nodded faintly just when the sound of sirens reached their ears and Peter turned around to see the crowd parting to let an ambulance get through to Peter and the two people who were with him.
“Well?”
Peter looked up from his place, sitting on the curb and watching as the paramedics took care of the woman – Bianca – and Tim. They offered to check to see if he was hurt, too, but he waved them off, claiming he was alright. They didn’t insist and just smiled at him and left to tend to the duo. The crowd in the street talked to him enthusiastically, welcoming him back with a sense of pride, like they didn’t doubt him for a second.
He wanted to cry at their undying loyalty but instead just grinned at them and tried to look like he wasn’t disappointed in himself for not seeing how wrong he’s been lately. How could he just turn his back on his city like that? True, he felt like he was living in a world that was all wrong because Tony Stark – Iron-Man – wasn’t in it anymore. But he abandoned these people when they needed him and he wasn’t going to come back. Not yet, at least.
Eventually the paramedics steered the crowd away, probably sensing Peter’s need to be alone, and he sunk to the floor gratefully, his hands hugging his legs closer to his body. And then he lifted his gaze at the single word to see MJ standing there, hands by her sides and her book still in one hand. She looked down at him with a quirked eyebrow.
Peter furrowed his brows. “What?” He asked.
“Earth to Peter,” She nudged his leg with her foot. “Are you back down with us?”
He chuckled a little and shook his head, his eyes looking down at his hands and the web-shooters on his wrists. He drew in a breath, trying to picture his suit on again. “I need a new suit.” He said. There was no way he could ever wear Mr. Stark’s suit again. He needed something else that wouldn’t remind him of the man too much again.
Her lips quirked a little, like she was trying not to smile, and then MJ sat down next to him, her foot still pressed against his. “We can do that?”
“We?” He asked, surprised.
She snorted. “Yes, dork. You have your aunt, Ned and practically the whole city to help you.” She was quiet for a moment. “And me. You also have me.”
His eyes widened and he turned to face her, his cheeks already burning. “I-you… what?” He knew he sounded stupid. He knew his sentence didn’t come out the way he wanted it to. He knew it should have been less punctured syllables and more flowing vowels. But he couldn’t help but just gape at MJ because that wasn’t anything he expected her to say.
“Did you mean what you said in that video?” She asked, suddenly not looking at him, like his gaze might melt her or cut through her or hurt her in any sort of way. He tried to say something but he couldn’t form any coherent words. He couldn’t gather his thoughts enough for that. So he just nodded, counting on her to see the movement. Her eyes flickered over to him for a second and then her hand grabbed his again and his face turned incredibly warm, especially when he could feel the weight of people watching them from afar, giving them privacy but also still STARING. “Good.” She pursed her lips and then turned to look at him fully again, a tentative smile on her face. “I, uh, like you, too.”
Yes, he was definitely losing control of the warmth in his body and the color of his face and the size of his smile but did it really matter? He was ecstatic. He was pretty sure he could just float up, up and away without having any trouble. Gravity couldn’t possibly have a hold in him when he was this happy, right? Really, the only reason Peter wasn’t floating away was MJ’s hand holding his and keeping him grounded.
He tried to relax his smile a little but nothing worked. He couldn’t stop smiling like crazy. “You do?” He asked, voice filled with awe and happiness and probably wonder because why would MJ like him, right? Her eyeroll made him cringe. “S-sorry. I mean, you wouldn’t say that if you didn’t… uh…” He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand and then tried to steer the conversation away from this topic because what the hell was he supposed to do now?? He never actually expected to be alive after she heard that confession. “Do you know how to sew?”
The look she gave him was almost pitying. She could probably see through his lame topic change but she didn’t say anything about it, instead rolling with it. “Nope.”
Eh, between Ned, Aunt May, MJ and himself, they will figure something out.