Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Afterwards, Sirius wasn't quite sure what had happened. Somewhere in his attempt to keep Moony away from the kids and the castle, a feat even for a dog at the height of its strength, he must have scratched Moony across the face. It was one of many injuries they both suffered that night and hardly the worst scar Remus would retain, so it didn't occur to Sirius to worry.

Besides, there wasn't much he could have done in any case. Sirius was almost kissed, first at the lake under a swarm of Dementors and then again after being captured and held by the Ministry. He only barely escaped and only because of his godson and Hermione and the help of time magic. Remus was found in the morning, naked and bleeding and unconscious, and he was brought to a little room in the Hospital Wing where he wouldn't be seen by anyone who wasn't supposed to see him. He was in bad shape, and so they kept him sedated for a while while his wounds had time to heal.

By the time Madam Pomfrey thought to check his eyes for damage, the wound had become infected. She did what she could, but when Remus woke up and opened his eyes for the first time a few days after the full moon, all he could see was a source of light to his left and a whole lot of nothing.

Remus was in his office, packing his bags. It was a slow progress, and not just because he was still sore from the full moon. He also had the distinct problem of not being able to see the office he had spent the last couple of months in, and so even though he'd previously thought he knew the little room well, he now discovered that actually, moving around was difficult.

He walked cautiously so he would not bump into unexpected furniture and felt everything with his hands to identify the objects before shrinking them and floating them over in the direction of to the trunk, listening for the tell-tale sound to make sure it had landed inside.

He was maybe a quarter of the way through when there was a knock on the door.

He opened it, took a breath, then asked, "Who is it?"

"Uh", came a young voice. "It's Harry. Potter."

"Oh, Harry. Come in. Are you alright?"

"Yeah.” He sounded hesitant. “I - Professor Dumbledore told me that you're leaving? And that you're -"

He broke off, and Remus imagined he must be studying him. Once a confident teacher, now a man unsure of where to look, hiding his disfigured eyes behind large sunglasses.

"Blind? Yes. I'm afraid both of those are true." At the moment, Remus tried not to think too much about what that meant for his life. It wouldn’t do to break down while he was still at Hogwarts, and especially not in front of Harry.

"But you can't leave! You're the best Defence teacher we've ever had!"

At that, Remus felt a small smile grace his face. It was nice to hear and had Remus been any other person and not been dealt the hardships in life that he had, he knew he would have done anything to stay another year. Being who he was, however, that idea was of course now more ludicrous than ever.

"Harry, be realistic. I endangered you, your friends, and anyone who might have wandered the school grounds last night. Besides, I can hardly be a teacher if I can't see my students or read their homework assignments."

Harry harrumphed. "I bet you'd still be better than Lockhart though."

Remus had of course read Lockhart's book on werewolves and so had to agree with that statement, even if he would never say so out loud. "That's very nice of you to say, Harry. But still, I have to leave. I have to get used to... my new situation."

There was silence for a few seconds. Then, "Are you gonna be okay? Where are you gonna go?"

"Home. I'll be okay, Harry, there's really no need to worry about me. I've adjusted to big changes before."

"Okay," Harry said. "Well, I have to go pack too. Unless you need help with anything?"

"I'll be alright. Go, Harry, and have a nice summer."

"You too. See you - I mean..."

Remus smiled again, but sadder this time. "See you soon."

He listened to Harry's footsteps as he went down the hall, then went back to his packing.

Albus helped him move all of his things and let him hold onto his arm as they slowly walked through the castle and to the waiting carriage. He even offered to accompany him home, but Remus insisted he would be alright. Now that his time as a professor was over, he wanted to leave as quickly and with as few witnesses to his uncertain gropes and hesitant steps as possible.

Hogwarts had once been his home in a way that his family's homes never managed, not with how often they had moved during his childhood. He had known the castle in a way few students ever had. Now, every step felt like he was stepping into the unknown, like there might be an abyss just around the corner. It was terrifying. Much as he knew he would miss his time there, he was glad to leave the school.

The train wasn't hard to find when Remus stepped out of the carriage; even while standing, it gave off a constant stream of noise. Inside, too, it was easy to find an empty compartment. This was the earliest time that he had convinced Poppy to let him out of her care, which also happened to be the day before all the students would leave for their summer holiday. Naturally, the train was almost completely empty as a consequence.

Taking the same train as the students at the beginning of the school year, when they had needed the extra security and he the extra sleep and money that particular favour to the headmaster encompassed had been one thing, but a lot had changed since then. There was no longer a danger that they would be attacked by Sirius Black, for one thing. And if something did happen, he would be the one needing help.

The train ride home was long and boring. Ordinarily, Remus would have read a book or watched the scenery go by, but neither was an option anymore. He was trying to avoid any thought of either his present, which scared him, or his future, which terrified him. Thinking about his past wasn't any better either, but at least he was well versed in not thinking about that.

For lack of a better option, Remus slept for a while, despite his body not being tired after spending so many days in bed. It was nice to rest his eyes from the strain of trying to see anything useful, and he felt mentally exhausted. It wasn’t a long sleep and not very restorative, but at least it passed the time.

He knew he had reached his destination when the train slowed to a stop, so he grabbed his trunk, stepped outside, then hesitated. He had no idea where to go from here.

One hand holding onto his trunk handle and one slightly raised in front of him, he made his way towards where he thought the barrier to Muggle King's Cross may be. Making this trip twice every year for the duration of his time at Hogwarts helped, but it still took what felt like an eternity.

At least there was some mercy in the realisation that stepping through the barrier came with a physical sensation rather than just a visual one. It also came with a sudden increase in volume, almost making him stumble backwards through the barrier again. It was late, but still the train station was busy. Remus felt people walking past him, their closeness causing his clothes to flutter. It was unnerving.

"Sir? Do you need any assistance?" came a voice from beside him, an older man from the sound of it.
Remus startled a little at how close he was but quickly recovered and turned in the man's direction.

"Yes, thank you. Could you help me find the exit please?" He would have preferred to do it on his own, but even he could concede defeat, especially in a place with so many train tracks to fall onto.

This was not how he was going to die, no thank you.

"Sure, no problem." Something brushed his arm, and he followed it to the person's upper arm, which he grabbed, careful not to hold it too tightly. "I could also call you a taxi, if you'd like?"

"No, that's alright," Remus assured him.

They walked through the train station, swerving to the side a few times to avoid running into anyone or anything. Remus was thrown off balance each time it happened, but he always managed to regain his footing. Once outside, he let go of the arm and thanked his Samaritan. Then he started walking.

It was dark enough for the streetlights to be on, so with the traffic sounds to one side and using the lights to guess the way the roads intersected and curved, he walked. He also figured out that with his trunk rolling in front of him rather than pulling it behind him, he was less anxious about running into obstacles.

He walked until he found an alley or alcove, something dark with an awful smell. He stepped inside and, when he couldn't hear any footsteps nearby, spun on the spot and disapparated. He could still picture his goal clearly in his head, but as he landed with the familiar sound of gravel under his shoes, he wondered how long apparition would be an option before he lost the visual memory necessary for it. He decided not to dwell on the thought.

He knew that this – this whole new life of being almost completely blind – was a permanent condition, that Poppy had done all she could to restore his sight. He’d heard her growing frustration, and he knew from countless painful full moons that she was a true miracle worker. But even Poppy had her limits.

She had managed to save him from losing this last little bit of vision, at least, but that was all. Shapes and colours and faces, those were all gone. He took a breath and started walking along the path, knowing that as long as he kept to the stony ground rather than the grass surrounding it, he was walking straight. There was also a slight incline, which told him the direction was correct as well. He could do this, he told himself.

He kept walking.

Chapter Text

By the time Remus had made it home and to his bed, he was exhausted. He'd had to veer off the path every couple of steps to feel for the house because in the darkness of night, even something so massive was completely lost to his eyes. Eventually, though, he'd made it.

He hadn't been in this house in almost a year, and so his recollection of where everything was wasn't quite as accurate as he'd hoped. By the time he'd located the bed, his shin hurt, as did his hip.

Remus slept until he woke up with a full bladder and empty stomach. He relieved himself without much of a hassle, the bathroom being right next to the bedroom. At the thought of having to go into town, finding the right shop and buying groceries he could identify only by touch, however, he instead went right back to bed and was asleep again soon after. He'd go get groceries tomorrow.

This was just his usual post-moon tiredness, he told himself. As soon as he’d caught up on sleep, he’d do whatever needed to be done to tackle this new life.

Whatever half-formed plan he had, it vanished the second he was awoken by scratching at the door. Now, logically, he knew that could be any stray animal. But of course, he knew exactly who it was. He hesitated for a few moments, but there was no way to evade Sirius now that he was here.

Once again, Remus got up, this time wearing the large sunglasses he’d been given by Poppy, and slowly made his way through his familiar yet unfamiliar house towards the front door.

He opened it and said, without any sort of greeting, “Did Dumbledore send you?”

The light he could see shining in from outside was blocked by something, and in his mind’s eye, Remus could picture exactly what it looked like as the large dog was replaced by a larger man, clean and proud and smiling as Remus knew would be inaccurate for what Sirius looked like now.

Maybe that, at least, was a blessing; he’d known Sirius as he had been far longer than Sirius as he was now, and those memories were indelibly seared into his memories.

“Harry did,” said Sirius with his new scratchy voice. “Or rather, he told me what happened, and I decided to come on my own. Moony –“

He broke off, and Remus could hardly blame him. He wouldn’t know what to say either, were their positions reversed. In a way, this was easier. Being the hurt one was something he had a lot more experience in than watching someone he loved be hurt.

Remus gave Sirius what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “It’s probably not as bad as Harry made it out to be. I’m not completely blind, just... mostly.”

He only got a second’s notice as he heard clothes rustle before arms closed around him in a tight hug. “I’m so, so sorry,” Sirius whispered.

“It’s not your fault.”

The arms fell away. “Yeah? Some of the scratches on your face are still healing. You want to tell me those aren’t from me?”

Remus shrugged. “You had no choice, I was the one who forgot to take the potion. If it hadn’t been for you, it would’ve been worse. The children could have been hurt or turned or killed. So really, if you think about it –“

“If you thank me for hurting you, I will punch you, blind or not.”

Remus snorted. “Please, you never stood a chance against me, pretty boy.”

“...no, I guess not. Can I come in?”

Remus stepped aside.

Their first few hours together were surprisingly pleasant. After the excitement of their reunion, it was nice to just sit and talk. At some point Sirius got up and made tea, and though Remus protested that he was perfectly capable of making tea in his own house, he was secretly glad he wouldn’t have to figure out how to do yet another thing just yet. Life was just a long row of things to adapt to now that he was blind, and he was already starting to get tired of it.

They talked about the people Remus had met and the jobs he’d had in the years he’d been alone. Sirius told him about surviving after Azkaban, about finding Harry and then going on the long journey all the way to Hogwarts. It was then that Remus realised that Sirius must be hungry and that Remus himself was hungry too.

“I’d offer you some food," he said, "but I’ve got nothing. I’m sorry.”

“Oh. Well, where do you usually get food around here?”

“There’s a small Muggle town about ten minutes from here. But...” He did not want to admit how much the idea of going there in his state scared him.

“Do you have any Muggle money?”

Remus did.

“Then let’s go. I’ve not been recognised as Padfoot so far. You’ll have to transform a leash and collar, though, I haven’t got a wand.”

He sounded confident, so Remus did as he was told and crouched down. A wet snout touched his knuckles and he followed the shape of the head to the neck.

“We’ll have to give you a bath when we get back,” Remus muttered as he clipped the collar around Padfoot’s neck. Sirius had owned a collar once, a joke present from Peter, but he’d lost it often enough that Remus had known what size to conjure. Apparently that was one of the things you don’t unlearn. He’d tried not to make it look like the old collar, which had been a black and red one that Sirius had thought looked very punk, but seeing as neither of them had colour vision, he figured it didn’t matter either way.

The way to the small town was the same path Remus had walked on the night before, for the most part, so he was certain he could find it even if it hadn’t been for the slight pull from Sirius. Still, he walked slowly, not quite trusting himself and Padfoot. A few times, he stumbled over too big pebbles or holes in the path.

“You look like you’re about to walk face-first into a wall. You know I wouldn’t let you do that, right?”

“Sirius! Transform back, what if someone sees you?”

“It’s fine, there’s no one around. I think it could help if you hold the leash shorter. I can walk next to you and still pull you in the right direction. What do you think?”

Remus frowned. “You hate walking on a short leash. I doubt that’s changed in the last years.”

He heard Sirius snort. “Turns out there are worse things than walking in the fresh air with a little less room to run. And right now, I’m more focused on helping you. Don’t complain,” he said before Remus could say anything in protest, “I know you could do this on your own. The point is you don’t have to do it on your own. Not with me here.”

Remus’ throat tightened at those words, but he managed to get out an “Alright.” He heard Padfoot, once again on four legs, trot towards him and wrapped the leash around his hand a few times to shorten it.

It really was easier that way. Padfoot could guide him with small movements and Remus relaxed enough to quicken the pace a bit to almost normal walking speed. They soon made it into town, where Padfoot managed to get them to the right shop.

Shopping was not the nightmare Remus had made it out to be in his head, either. It was certainly a more time-intensive effort than usually, but it was also fun in a way. They had discussed what to buy beforehand and Remus had brought a little basket, but they had neglected to create a system for how to help Remus find the correct objects if they were out of Padfoot’s reach.

Still, they made it work. Padfoot barked quietly if he wanted Remus to reach higher and bopped the corresponding leg with his nose to make him go either to the left or right.
They got all they wanted and went to pay.

“Remus! Oh, I haven’t seen you in so long, I wasn’t sure you’d ever come back.”

Remus forced a smile in what he hoped was the right direction. “Yes, I got a job as a teacher at my old school, up in Scotland. I only just got back yesterday.”

He followed Padfoot’s pull to the cashier and used one hand to figure out where to put his groceries, getting them out of the bag with the other hand. Charlotte did not seem to notice his awkward fumbling. The shop did not have any windows and the lights were not bright enough to give him anything useful, so he was essentially completely blind in there.

“And you got a dog! It’s a big one, if you’re lucky the kids’ll be too scared to play with it and you’ll have a moment’s peace. He could use a bath, though, I have to say. I bet he’s a real beauty otherwise.”

Remus misjudged the space available for his groceries and the bag of apples fell to the floor. A groan escaped him as he heard the apples roll off to Merlin-knows-where. He bent down to gather them up as best as he could, but he must not have done a good job because Charlotte asked, “Are you quite alright, Remus?”

“Yes, yes...” He continued sweeping his hands across the floor, hoping to find any more apples. How many had there been in the bag again? Padfoot gave a sharp pull to get his leash free of Remus grip and rolled another two towards Remus.

“Is that all of them?” Remus whispered, feeling close to tears. Padfoot’s face pressed itself against his thigh and moved it up and down like a nod.

The bag of apples once again complete, Remus took a breath and got back up. He held them towards the cashier. “These too, please.”

“Of course, my dear.” She took them to weigh them as he waited.

“Alright, that’s all done. Would you like me to pack them away for you?”

“No, that’s okay.”

It was six items altogether and he counted them in his head as he put them back in his basket.
“That’s £12.55, please.”

Right. Money. That was also something he should have known to prepare for but hadn’t. Remus owned a Muggle credit card, but he knew for a fact that his bank account was completely empty at the moment, as he’d used the last of it in between his last job and the start of the new school year last September. All the money he had left was the money in his wallet. Unfortunately, this was something he knew from experience that Sirius would not be a big help with, so he took out the notes he had and held them towards the cashier.

“Uh, if you could just take the right amount, please?”

She hesitated before pulling one of the notes out of his hand. He put the rest back in and held his hand out for the change, which she dropped onto his palm without comment. Thank Merlin for small mercies.

As he bent down to get Padfoot’s leash so he could finally leave, Charlotte told him, “Fred, you know, my second son, he’s already done with school for the year. I could ask him to help you back to your house. It wouldn’t be a bother, and he’d only be a moment, I can –“

“No.” Remus said, and it came out harder than expected. He tried again, softer. “No. Really, I’m alright. Thank you. Goodbye.”

They left and as soon as Remus thought he was out of earshot, he whispered, “Faster, please, just get me out of here.”

It was uncomfortable to walk so fast. He still wasn’t used to taking step after step without knowing what he might step on or run into. It was worse, though, to know that anyone might watch him, might come up to him and talk to him and pity him.

They made it back to the house in record time, and Remus was relieved that Sirius stayed in dog form the whole time rather than transforming again halfway. He didn’t want to answer any questions or talk about how he was feeling.

He left the basket in the hallway, not caring whether he would be able to find it again, and went to the bedroom. He closed the door after him as a sign to Sirius that he wanted to be alone. Finally, he felt like just like he couldn’t see anyone around him, they couldn’t see him either.

He took off his glasses, collapsed on the bed, and cried.

Chapter Text

“Okay, I know I decided I’d let you come to me, but I can’t just sit around and not help. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now, but please, tell me what I can do.”

“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. It’s gone, it’s all gone.”

They were sitting next to each other on Remus’ bed. Sirius laid his hand on Remus’.

“This is just like with your lycanthropy, though. We didn’t cure that either, but we managed to make it easier for you, didn’t we?”

Remus put his head in his hands, elbows on knees. “But that was just one night a month. This is everything, every day. It’s too much, Padfoot, I can’t, I just can’t.”

“You just rest, I’ll figure something out.”

Sirius left the room, and Remus went back to sleep.

“I could make you some toast? Uh… Scrambled eggs, maybe? I can’t guarantee that either will actually be edible, but it’s better than nothing I suppose…”

Remus wished that Sirius would just give up and leave him alone.

“Or we could go for a walk, if you’re not hungry. The walking, we already have down, pretty much. Maybe we should get a different leash – something bespoke, maybe? I’ll see what I can do there. Money was a problem, so we’ll just have to make that tactile somehow. Since a lot of it is paper money, maybe we could fold it? And as for cooking –“

There was a knock on the front door.

“Turn into Padfoot, now,” Remus whispered.

His wand in his hand but hidden in a pocket, Remus walked towards the front door. “Who is it?” he asked.

“It’s Charlotte! I brought you some stew and some lasagne!”

The cashier, of course. He opened the door and indeed, the smell of food was there right away.

“Oh, Remus, dear, you look terrible, it’s a good job I came. Let me in, will you? I’ll just put this in the kitchen.”

Before he had time to react, she’d already brushed past him. Remus followed her, at a slower pace.

“You really didn’t have to come, Charlotte, I’m fine.”

“You are not fine and don’t tell me you are. I don’t know what exactly is going on, but you’re obviously not feeling well and who what kind of neighbour would I be if I didn’t help out in your time of need.”

Remus did not mention that both of them lived outside of town, in opposite directions. Neither of them really had neighbours.

She used his silence to carry on talking. “I don’t know what they did to you in that school up north and really, I’m not here to ask questions, but I just want you to know that my friend, Rosie, her brother’s friend is a lawyer, so if you ever need one, you just let me know. A poor boy like you, they probably think they can just do whatever and no one will even notice, but that’s not true.”

Padfoot appeared by Remus’ side, pushing his nose into Remus’ palm. He petted his head absent-mindedly. 

“But don’t you worry, my dear, we’ll take good care of you. I already told Rosie and Mary and the others that you need some good food in you, and I’ll send my son by soon so he can help too. We’ll get you better in no time, you hear me?”

Remus hand stilled on Padfoot’s neck, holding onto the fur there, and with each word, he held on tighter. He wasn’t even sure whether it was the threat of so many people coming by or the certainty that he would never get better that bothered him more, but he couldn’t listen to her anymore.

“Well, thank you for the food, but it really isn’t necessary. Please tell your friends not to bother with coming all the way, I’ll be perfectly fine. A bit of rest, nothing more.”

“Sure, sure. I’ll just put away the food and –“

Padfoot growled.

“Or maybe I’ll just leave you be. I’ll see you soon, Remus.”

She left. Remus breathed a sigh of relief as soon as the door was closed behind her, then turned away. “I’ll be in my bedroom. Eat, shower, I don’t care, do what you want. I need sleep.”

The next time someone knocked on the front door, Sirius transformed into Padfoot and stayed that way for the next hour. Remus’ bedroom door stayed closed.

“Here’s some bread and tea. I don’t remember how you take it so I hope it’s okay.”

“You don’t need to keep making me food, Sirius.”

“Will you eat if I don’t?”

Silence.

“Thought so. I’ll warm up the last of the lasagne later.”

“Remus? We’re running out of food, do you want to do another grocery run?”

“...”

“Remus?”

“...”

“Fine, where’s your wand? I’ll try and multiply the bread. I will warn you, though, I haven’t done this spell since I was 20 and it will not taste good.”

Remus thought he might just stay in his room forever.

If he kept the blinds closed, it was dark regardless of whether it was day or night. It wasn’t unusual that he couldn’t see anything because it was dark. He didn’t have to live life like this because he wasn’t living, he just existed. And existing, he could do.

“Remus?”

Remus could hear the worry in Sirius’ voice, but he just couldn’t get himself to care.

“Remus, I need you to do something for me. Please.”

“What?”

“You can still see light, can’t you? You flinched when I opened the blinds a few days ago.”

“Yeah.” Remus knew he should be grateful not to be fully blind, but it just didn’t feel like enough. What was he supposed to do with just that? It was almost completely useless.

“I need you to cast a Patronus charm.”

That seemed like an odd request, and at any other point in his life, he would have asked why. He didn’t bother asking. “Why don’t you do it? You still have my wand.”

There was no answer, and Remus realised the likely reason why Sirius didn’t just cast the spell himself, and it made him feel even worse.

“Sorry. Okay, where’s my wand?”

He stretched out his hand while sitting up and was met with the familiar feel of wood.

“Expecto Patronum!”

A bright glow appeared in front of him, confirming that it had worked. He couldn’t see the exact shape of it, but that was alright seeing as he’d never particularly liked being stuck with that infernal wolf as a Patronus. 

“Can you see that?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah.”

“Perfect.” He sounded... smug?

“What’s perfect?”

“At some point I’ll need to ask you exactly what you can see so I know what I’m working with, but for now, this works. You know how the Order used Patronuses to send messages, without really needing to do any special spell? I thought that if they can deliver messages, then surely they can do other things. Try it out, tell it to go somewhere!”

Could this actually work? “Uh, go to the kitchen.”

It didn’t move. So much for that theory.

“Don’t give up, Moony. Give me five seconds, then tell it to find me.”

Remus waited, then said, “Find Sirius Black.”

The Patronus ran off and before Remus had a chance to leave his bed, it was out of view.

“Well,” came Sirius’ voice from the hallway, accompanied by the sound of his steps and a faint glow that grew stronger, “there are some kinks to iron out for sure, but I think this could be useful. Another tool to make life a litter easier, huh?”

Remus sighed. “You’re really not going to let me live the rest of my life as a sad little ball of misery in here, are you?”

Sirius snorted. “Did you even for one second think I would?”

“No. Fine, then, I’ll join you in the kitchen and you can tell me your ideas. And I guess tomorrow we can go out.” Even just the idea of it exhausted Remus, but he knew Sirius. He wouldn’t give up. And he knew that Remus himself also wasn’t one to usually give up.

“If you insist, I guess I could be convinced to tell you what I have in mind. And then maybe go on a little walk.”

The smile in his voice was unmistakable, and in that moment, Remus could picture exactly what Sirius must look like while he said it. It was nice.

Chapter Text

They decided, as they had so often done during their years as the school’s leading pranksters, to start with research. There was a university with a good library not too far away, so they would go there first. It was easier to stay hidden in the Muggle world than the Wizarding world, and London seemed too risky.

Remus apparated them both to the same alley he had used the last time he was there, and Sirius slipped into his dog form as soon as his feet touched solid ground. Even if someone had seen them, it would have been for quick to make out the identity of the man.

Remus put the collar and leash on Padfoot and they walked, side by side, like last time. It was already easier this time, Remus thought. Still, he would have given anything to just walk to the library on his own, sighted and sure-footed.

Remus provided rough directions to the library and Padfoot guided him there without a problem. They stepped inside, but immediately someone called over, “Sir, we don’t allow pets in here. I must ask you to either leave the dog outside or leave, please.”

“No, please, he’ll behave well, I promise. You won’t even notice him.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that’s our policy. No pets.”

Clearly, the man wasn’t going to budge, so Remus left again and murmured to Sirius, “What are we going to do now?”

Padfoot pulled him somewhere where he must have felt safe enough to transform because his hand that held the leash was pulled upwards.

“If you make me invisible and aren’t too obvious about holding the leash, I think we should be fine,” Sirius said.

It sounded like a terrible idea, but Remus couldn’t think of an alternative. He held out his wand. “Alright, do it.”

Sirius didn’t take the wand, and after a few seconds, sounding embarrassed, he said, “I’d rather have you do it. I’m still a bit rusty with magic and I don’t want to make any mistakes with this...”

Remus did the spell, carefully feeling for Sirius’ head so he could tap the top of it rather than poking him in the eye with his wand. Then he did the same with the leash.

Sirius confirmed that it had worked, and they went back to the library. This time, no one stopped them.

A few metres into the building, Padfoot suddenly stopped and startled Remus. “What –“, he began, before remembering that the kinds of books they were looking for would be upstairs. He lightly tapped around in front of him with one foot until he found the first step of the stairs. It wasn’t hard to walk up the stairs without seeing, but it did add another layer of uncertainty to know that if he stumbled, he might hurt himself.

Now that he thought about it, of course it made sense that they would encounter stairs, but they hadn’t talked about how Padfoot was to inform Remus of them. Still, he was glad that Sirius had been smart enough to do something rather than just walk up the stairs and let Remus figure it out on his own, probably by stumbling and giving himself a head injury on the steps.

They were working out. Slowly, and not without mistakes, but they were doing it. If Remus told himself that over and over, maybe it would be enough for him not to lose hope again.

Sirius had once told him that he could read while in dog form, but that it felt strange and unnatural to do so and took more concentration than it did in human form. At the time, Remus had just thought it an interesting bit of information about how animagi worked, but now he was intensely grateful for that ability. The library was lit and designed in a way that made it hard to make out anything – the lights were blocked by the high shelves and there were too many chairs and random carts full of books standing in the aisles for Remus to even safely walk around without Padfoot. He knew that there had to be signs to help find the topics and genres of the books, but not only was Remus not able to read the signs, he couldn’t even tell where they were. And reading any of the book titles was certainly beyond him now.

Remus didn’t have a valid library card and did not want to deal with having to fill out a form he could not see, so they chose a few books that looked like they may be useful – Padfoot’s decision, of course – and duplicated them somewhere out of view. Wizarding books were usually protected against duplication charms, but Muggle ones of course were not. With the duplicates shrunk and hidden in Remus’ bag, he got ready to leave again, but Padfoot dragged him up another flight of stairs.

“Where are we going, Pads?” Remus whispered. He realised that as long as he needed Padfoot to guide him, he was at the mercy of his whims. He wasn’t even 100% sure of how to get back to the stairs he’d come up just before. For lack of a better option, Remus followed where Padfoot led and, at the dog’s insistent nose’s guidance, selected a few more books.

He sighed. “So I assume I’m to duplicate these too?”

Padfoot let out a soft bark in confirmation.

“Fine. But you better tell me what those are. And don’t tell me you’re into reading now, I know you too well –“ He broke off. He might have one known Sirius, but that time was long gone.

He didn’t say anything else after that, and he was glad Sirius couldn’t say anything either, at least until they got home.

Remus was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of tea in his hand – the first one he’d made himself since the full moon, listening to Sirius mutter under his breath, scribble something on a piece of parchment, and occasionally turn pages in one of the duplicates from the library, when he had a thought.

At school, Sirius had always been brilliant, just like James, but they’d never been particularly studious. Most of the time, Remus had been the one reading and researching magic while it seemed to just come natural to them. They had the brilliant ideas and Remus was the one leafing through book after book to find the charms and spells to make it reality.

Sometimes, he’d suspected that they let him do that just so he could feel included, but he’d never voiced the thought or acted on it. Whether it was pity or laziness or something else, he knew that they could have done all the same pranks and magic without his help, no doubt.

With Sirius’ knowledge of Latin and Greek that seemed to let him invent spells as if it was nothing, and James’ innate grasp of transformations that allowed him to transform anything into anything with no better explanation than ‘I just did what felt right and it worked’, they were pretty much unstoppable.

Which brought him to now.

Sirius was studying, and it wasn’t for a prank or because he was so bored that he’d reached the last possible option of entertaining himself. He was doing it for Remus. And Remus hated it.

Sirius was free. After twelve years of imprisonment in the worst prison on the world, he was finally out, and instead of enjoying all the sun and happiness and freedom that the world had on offer, he was here in the monotone hills of Wales, figuring out how best to help the man who should have saved him from all that misery in the first place.

Remus thought he might throw up from the guilt he felt.

Sirius needed to leave. Remus would only pull him down, tie him down in this small, old house and never let him go, and that couldn’t happen. Because Remus knew that he couldn’t do this without Sirius. Just because he was up and moving and talking again didn’t mean that he’d already forgotten just how willing he’d been to silently starve to death in his bed. He knew that if Sirius left, it was likely that that was exactly what would happen.

And that was precisely why Sirius had to leave. And it was why Remus couldn’t say anything that would actually make him leave.

Because he was the worst friend, again.

Ruining Sirius’ life, again, pulling him into misery,

again.

That evening, Sirius worked on the books, having also borrowed Remus’ wand again, while Remus tried to figure out dinner. He wasn’t making anything too difficult, but cutting carrots in any semblance of regularity required a lot of feeling around and adjusting where he put the knife.

It was slow-going, as everything in his life seemed to be lately, but at least being in the kitchen gave him an excuse not to be in the same room as Sirius.

It was only after dinner that Sirius finally revealed what he’d been working on: a way to read books again. A simple spell that could be applied to any book, magical or not, and it would read everything out loud. The books he’d got at the library, the ones he’d dragged Remus up another floor for, had been novels for Remus to listen to.

Sirius promised to work out how to control the volume and speed, but Remus didn’t care.

He used the opportunity of having Sirius talk to figure out where he was and hugged him tightly.

“Why are you doing all this for me?”

Remus hadn’t meant to say anything, he really hadn’t. Shit.

“What do you mean?”

Well, it was too late to back out now. And they probably should have this conversation at some point. If Sirius was going to leave, it was better if he left now rather than later, when Remus had become entirely dependent on him.

“I mean, why are you helping me? You should hate me. I let you be thrown into Azkaban and never gave you a chance to explain yourself. I fully believed that you’d betray James and Lily.”

Sirius hesitated, then said, “I don’t think there’s anything you could do that I wouldn’t forgive you for.”

“You’re not forgiving Peter for what he did.”

“No,” Sirius said, and his voice was hard now. “But I also know now that that level of betrayal is something you would never do. I’ve had time to think through every bad memory, every single unhappy thought I’ve ever had in relation to you, and I am absolutely certain that you could never do something like that.”

Remus took a deep breath. That was a level of certainty about his personality that even Remus himself wasn’t sure he felt.

“How do I know you really mean that? How can I know you’re honest about tough topics anymore? How do I know you’re not just trying to make me feel better because you pity me for being blind and feel bad because you blame yourself for it?”

Sirius didn’t say anything for a moment. Then, “You know I suspected you of being the spy too, don’t you?”

Remus did, in theory. He’d even been aware of it at the time, to some extent. He hadn’t thought about it in a long time though because it hadn’t been relevant anymore after Sirius had supposedly been discovered as the true spy.

“Can you forgive me for that?” Sirius asked.

“Yes,” Remus said. “Of course.”

“And are you saying that because you need me to stay or because it’s actually the truth?”

Remus snorted. “Well played. So are you saying we’re at an impasse?”

“I’m saying we need to trust each other that we are both okay with what happened and are both adults making the decision to move forward together. Not because of guilt or pity but because we want to. Because we’re friends.”

Remus held out his hand. “So, friends?”

Sirius shook it. “Friends.”

Slowly, piece by piece, they figured it out. After Sirius helped Remus read again, they managed to figure out writing too. With both magic and Muggle inventions at their disposal, it really was just a matter of creativity and not getting discouraged.

Remus learned the spell to make texts read themselves out loud and Sirius wrote to a shop in Diagon Alley to order a a range of magical quills for them to try out.

Together, they figured out a way to shrink the Patronus to the size of a marble and have it float at walking speed. It still only found humans, not places, but even that seemed like an invaluable help to Remus.

The most helpful thing, of course, was still Sirius himself.

He somehow managed to help Remus in a way that never made him feel any more like an invalid than he already did, who brought fun into finding solutions to an endless stream of problems.

Remus occasionally let himself get swept up in Sirius’ enthusiasm about finding all the ways to make his new life as easy and as normal as possible. There were whole minutes when he really believed that it could almost be like before.

At night, when the light of the Patronus charm lit up his way enough that he didn’t even feel the need to hold out his hand in front of him because he could recognise the edges of objects and walls before he walked into them. In the evening, when he closed his eyes and listened to a book narrated to him in Sirius’ voice, he could almost imagine that Sirius was actually reading to him like he always used to while Remus was resting in bed after the full moon.

But there were also the mornings, and there was no pretending then. Remus still had sight in his dreams, and every morning he woke up, opened his eyes, and remembered.

It hadn’t got any easier yet.

Chapter Text

There was a full moon coming up, and Remus could feel just how close it was throughout his whole body. He and Sirius had held off discussing how exactly they were going to handle it, but it was the day before and Remus hated not being prepared for an upcoming moon.

The conversation went exactly as Remus had anticipated.

Remus insisted that because he didn’t know how his first transformation as a blind man would go, he should do it alone. He didn’t know how the wolf would react to not only blindness but blindness while in the company of another animal, and at that an animal that hadn’t been around for the majority of the last thirteen years, and therefore it was too dangerous for Sirius to be there.

Sirius did not appreciate that line of thought. He told Remus not to be an idiot and that of course he’d be there and then refused to talk about it anymore.

And because Remus felt like he needed Sirius to stay with him and was afraid to piss him off, and because Remus still yearned for the simpler transformations of his later teenage years on every full moon, and because Remus was afraid of what would happen on his first full moon as a blind man, he let it happen. They went to the nearby woods because full moons were always easier when there was space to run, and Remus took off his clothes and waited.

Back when he regularly transformed with his friends by his side, he would always make sure they transformed into their animal forms early on, before he felt the transformation come on. He had always been terrified that he would one day hurt them. It felt like an inevitability that he nonetheless tried to put off for as long as possible.

Now, he couldn’t see whether Sirius was in man form or dog form, so he made him become Padfoot and then kept one hand on his fur beside him. It reassured him that Sirius was as safe as he could be in this highly unsafe situation, but it also had the added bonus of calming him. The soft hair and warm skin underneath gave him something to focus on, and if he just kept his eyes closed, he could pretend that this was just another full moon night.

It worked until the pain set it. At that point, neither the comfort of Sirius’ proximity nor the blindness mattered, the pain was so overwhelming and all-consuming. It spread through his body, taking over every atom of his being, every thought, every sensation…

And then it was morning.

The sun was warming Remus’ still naked body. He felt achy, as he always did, but no worse than expected. Just the rough ground underneath and the usual aftereffects of having his body stretch and shift and break and reassemble.

“Sirius?” he called out.

“I’m here,” came Sirius’ voice from a few feet away. He sounded calm, but Remus had to make sure.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, all good. I could really need a good night’s sleep though, I’m out of shape.” He laughed, and Remus’ stomach uncurled with relief.

“Alright, let’s go home.”

The July full moon had been on 8 July, and it was only two days after that Sirius brought up the topic of Harry coming to stay with them. He had mentioned one day that in his written correspondence with Harry, something he’d never even mentioned to Remus, apparently Remus’ well-being had been a topic of conversation.

Remus didn’t know how he felt about being talked about behind his back, but he could understand that Harry was curious and maybe even concerned. Much as Remus had tried to seem put together at the end of the school year, he had been completely overwhelmed by being newly blinded and it must have shown.

Sirius also mentioned that Harry seemed unhappy about having to spend another summer with his relatives and that it would be nice to have him over. Remus’ half-hearted protesting didn’t last long. Sirius had been so helpful this whole time and he clearly wanted this, so who was Remus to say no? And so, it was settled. Harry was coming to stay with them for a while; no matter how nervous Remus was at the thought.

The last time Harry had seen him had been when he’d left Hogwarts after the accident, and Remus had tried his best to seem confident in his new disability. That desire not to worry Harry was still there, and so it wouldn’t do to show the realities of the aftermath of a full moon without wolfsbane potion.

It was Harry’s birthday at the end of the month, and Sirius wanted him well and settled in their home – since that was what Remus’ cottage had become – by then. Remus told him to owl Albus on the matter, hoping that the delay would be long enough for him to properly rest after the full moon.

Sirius wrote to Albus, and Albus told him that he may write to Harry, but that he was to stay with his relatives. Harry was to leave the house no earlier than his birthday at the end of July. Naturally, Sirius did not take such instructions well and told Remus that they would be apparating to Harry’s relatives’ house to check on him in person before that. In fact, they would be going right then and there.

“You should at least write to him and ask him whether he wants us to visit,” Remus argued.

Sirius snorted. “That’s a waste of time, of course he wants to see us! I’m his godfather and you’re his super dorky Defence professor. Come on, it’ll be a surprise.”

“Sirius, I really don’t think this is a good idea.”

But Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled on it. “Come ooon!”

And so, Remus gave in, just as he had done for the entirety of their friendship.

They apparated to a spot a fair distance away from Harry’s home so no one would see them appear out of nowhere and watch Sirius change into a dog. Remus put his usual guiding leash on Padfoot, and they walked towards 4 Privet Drive.

At some point Padfoot got agitated and increased their walking speed, which Remus took to mean that he’d spotted Harry. They came to a stop and Sirius let out a soft bark. The sound Remus interpreted as someone doing garden work ceased and was replaced by Harry’s voice.

“Professor Lupin! Snuffles!”

Remus chuckled. “Snuffles? Really?” and was rewarded with a growl.

To Harry, he said, “How are you doing, Harry? Have you had a nice summer?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s been alright. They’ve mostly left me alone because I told them that Sirius is my godfather and now they’re scared he’ll kill them if they do anything.”

“Oh, that’s –“ very disconcerting, Remus wanted to say. What exactly would Harry’s relatives be doing if not for the threat of being hurt by Sirius?

But he didn’t finish the sentence, aware that neither Harry nor Sirius were interested in the conversation anymore. The short leash had been ripped from his hand and he could hear the sounds of Padfoot rolling on the ground, of Harry’s hand in his fur, of the excited dog breaths. He let them have their moment and decided to investigate what exactly Harry had meant later.

“Would you like to come in? The Dursleys aren’t in right now,” Harry said from roughly the height of Remus’ knee.

“Yes, thank you,” Remus said with a smile, and held out his hand. Padfoot pushed the leash in his open hand.

“Should I –“ Harry began, but Remus shook his head. “Just go ahead, we’ll follow.”

They went inside and Sirius dutifully walked Remus to a chair. Remus could tell that he wanted to change back into human form so he could properly talk to Harry, but they both knew it wasn’t worth the risk of being seen through a window. Instead, he went off to explore while Harry busied himself with the kettle and Remus waited.

He would have to wait for Sirius’ report later on what the house looked like. For now, all he could see was that there were several sources of light around him, which he assumed were windows, and he heard the typical sounds of a Muggle kettle and refrigerator, and he could feel the chair under him and the table in front of him. Other than that, his knowledge of his surroundings was bleak.

“Have you done your summer homework yet?” he asked Harry in an attempt to distract himself from falling into a well of self-pity.

“Yeah, for the most part. I’ve only got History of Magic left, I was going to do that tomorrow or the day after.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Well done, getting it done so early. I have to admit that I expected you to do it last minute on the way back to school. Your father used to do that most years because he was too busy having fun during the summer to even think of school.”

Harry snorted. “There’s not a lot of fun to be had here. Besides, it’s nice to have something magical to do when I’ve got to pretend that none if it exists while I’m here.”

Again, the alarm bells went off in Remus’ head. He had never met Vernon or Petunia Dursley, as they had declined any of Lily’s attempts at inviting them, but he was quickly forming an unflattering opinion of them.  

“You don’t enjoy living with your aunt and uncle?”

“No. And they don’t enjoy living with me. I asked Professor Dumbledore, but he said I had to return here...” He trailed off, and Remus realised that the sound of an approaching car must be the return of Harry’s relatives.

“You should probably leave,” Harry whispered, but the sound of his voice only made Remus more determined to stay. He got up and turned in the direction where he remembered the front door having been, and he waited for the sound of it opening. The soft padding of paws announced that Sirius had joined him.

“Professor, please, they hate anything having to do with magic, so if they find out I let you in –“

“Don’t worry, Harry, it’ll be alright. Why don’t you go up to your room while I talk to your aunt and uncle.”

But Harry stayed, and the door opened only seconds later.

“Boy! Where are you, help us get the food in!” The heavy footsteps stopped. “Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my home? And bringing this ruddy mutt inside our home, dragging mud all over our floors. You! Explain yourself!”

Remus wasn’t sure whether the last bit was meant for him or for Harry, but he spoke anyway. “My name is Remus Lupin, I was one of Harry’s father’s friends and Harry’s teacher last year. I only came to check on him, I assure you that I did not mean to cause you any inconvenience.”

“Oh, so you’re one of them, are you? Should have known. You’ve checked on the boy, now you can leave. And take your bloody dog with you!”

Remus didn’t move. “I have a few questions about the way you’re treating Harry while he is under your care.”

Before Remus’ brain even had time to process the sound it was hearing as Vernon Dursley taking a step towards him, Sirius had reacted with a loud bark and a snarl.

He tried again, “As I was saying –“ but something happened and before he knew what was going on, he  heard Sirius’ voice, sounding remarkably like the dog’s growl he’d let out only moments before.

“Don’t you dare do anything to hurt either of them or you’ll find out just why they put me in prison,” he said. “Now, would you like to explain why Harry thinks he’ll be punished for having a visitor? Or why he feels the need to hide food in his room?”

Dursley did not seem to have an answer because after a few seconds of silence Sirius carried on. “I know what an abusive family looks like, and you’re textbook, Dursley. But I’m feeling generous today, so I’m giving you a choice. You can either wait quietly while we pack Harry’s stuff and leave or you can get in our way and see what happens. Your choice.”

Vernon wisely retreated and Sirius guided Remus upstairs with a hand on his back and a few whispered words to indicate stairs and turns. Harry packed his bags and emptied the space under his floorboard where he had apparently stashed food for emergencies. Padfoot must have smelled it on his tour of the house and realised the implications. Remus didn’t know the specifics of Sirius’ childhood, as he’d always been reluctant to talk about it, but this made Remus suspect that there must also have been a secret food stash.

None of them spoke as they left the house and walked back to their apparating spot. The Dursleys wisely did not make a sound or move to stop them.

It was only when they were in the anonymity of wide-open fields without anyone nearby that Harry started speaking animatedly. “That was so cool! I’ve never seen Uncle Vernon afraid before! He thinks he’s got the upper hand, then bam! There’s mass murderer Sirius Black, looking absolutely badass and putting him in his place. Ha!”

“Language, Harry,” Remus chided, but he couldn’t suppress a smile. “And he doesn’t look that cool, don’t be going him giving him an even bigger ego now.”

“But Professor, my aunt and uncle think anyone wearing tight clothes or leather or pins or anything is basically evil incarnate, and combined with that cut on his face, he looks like he could get into and win any fight. Very cool.”

Remus’ hold on the leash tightened and he slightly pulled it towards him, which he knew would be uncomfortable on Padfoot. “The cut on his face?”

“Sorry, is that a topic I shouldn’t talk about? I can shut up now, I just thought... so you could picture it.”

“No, it’s fine. Thank you for being so considerate, Harry.”

“So what’s going to happen now? Where will I be staying? Because after this, I don’t think the Dursley will take me back...”

That was a very good question. While Remus agreed that Harry deserved to be treated better than he had been and was furious that this had all been going on without anyone (including himself) interfering, Sirius’ decision to take Harry with them had been rash. Remus and Sirius didn’t know what their own futures looked like, and now they had added Harry into the mix as well. It was irresponsible, frankly.

 “Don’t worry about that just yet, just make yourself comfortable and we’ll figure something out that works for everyone.”

They had enough food in the house for dinner and breakfast, but after that they would have to go to the shops again. They hadn't been grocery shopping since before the full moon, and of course they hadn't anticipated the extra mouth to fill.

Maybe Harry would be able to go with Sirius now instead, Remus mused. Grocery shopping had become an uncomfortable and dreaded venture, not because of the shopping itself, but because of the sympathy and overeager attempts at helping him he had to deal with.

Thanks to his complete refusal to open the door for anyone, the surprise visits to his house with offers of food and help with housework had abated somewhat, but they still had not stopped completely. Those people were stubborn to an extent that was equally annoying and admirable.

At the house, Sirius was finally able to transform back and talk to Harry, so Remus made dinner for the three of them while Sirius and Harry talked about how their summers had been so far.

Harry didn't reveal much other than his cousin's diet and its unfortunate consequences for Harry's own food intake and that he had to do a lot of chores around the house and garden. He was much more interested in Sirius and Remus' summer.

Remus listened to Sirius delivering a shortened and carefully edited version of their time together, focusing on the kindness of their neighbours and fun adventures as an invisible dog rather than their struggles, which Remus was thankful for.

He still did not want Harry to see how much his disability was actually troubling him.

They gave Harry the bedroom (even though he refused at first) and some fresh bedding and went to sleep, with Remus on the couch and Sirius choosing to curl up at his feet as Padfoot.

Chapter Text

It was good to have Harry at home with them. Remus had always enjoyed Harry’s calm and polite presence and had admired his determination in their Patronus lessons. He was the same way now: He politely greeted them in the morning, offered his help with setting the table and cooking breakfast, and seemed determined to help Remus in any way he could. Remus was happy that Harry was staying with them, that he was out of that horrible house with those horrible people.

The problem was just that Harry tried very hard to help Remus in all the ways he did not want any help, and as much as Remus appreciated the sentiment and tried to be as kind as possible when declining, it was getting harder with every misguided offer of help.

Sirius did not seem to have any kind of reservation against Harry staying with them full time. He asked Harry thousands of questions about his friends, his childhood, his time at school, just anything he could think of. And in turn he told stories about his own time at Hogwarts. Remus noticed that a lot of them were missing details that would have improved the stories and wondered whether that was on purpose, out of zeal to tell as many stories as possible, or simply because he could not remember the details.

It went on that way for a few days, until Remus started to feel like an intruder in his own home. He started spending more time outside, now that his bedroom had become Harry’s room. There was some gardening work to do there; he’d grown up surrounded by his mother’s plants and this was his way of keeping a part of her alive even when she had been gone for a long time. But realistically, there wasn’t enough work to feel the amount of time he was spending out there.  It was really just a bad excuse for trying to be alone, and he knew that Sirius knew it.

Sirius joined him outside one day. “Hey Moony,” he said.

At the time, Remus was sitting behind the house, his back against the wall and his face turned towards the lovely warm sun. He was wearing sunglasses and had his eyes closed, which meant it almost wasn’t painful to have all that light in his eyes. At this point, they’d healed about as much as they ever would, so he just wore sunglasses a lot to accommodate the remaining sensitivity. Besides, it was easier to know that no one could see his eyes, which must look a bit strange. It must be uncomfortable to talk to him and either be stared at with blank eyes or to see those eyes wander right past them...

“Do my eyes ever make you uncomfortable?” Remus asked without thinking.

Once upon a time, it had been standard behaviour for him to ask questions out of the blue with no context that anyone but him would be able to decipher. It had been fun to watch others’ surprise at what was going on in his head.

Sirius chuckled, maybe because he was remembering just that as well. “So that’s what you’re thinking about out here? I have some suggestions for a better use of your time, waiting right inside that house.”

“I’m mostly just enjoying the sun and not thinking anything, really. Do they, though?”

“No. It was a bit... I don’t know. Hard to get used to at first. Mostly because it reminded me of what you were going through, what you’d lost. But I don’t mind. I’ve always liked your eyes and I still do now.”

“Oh.” Remus wished he had a more eloquent answer to that, but he really didn’t. He decided to change the topic instead.

“What’s Harry doing right now?”

“His schoolwork. I tried to stop him, teach him about how important it is for his education to review these topics at a later date so he can be ready for his next school year. You know me, ever the responsible adult.”

“You tried to talk him into doing it all on the train back to school, like you always did.”

“Sure did. But he just wouldn’t listen and sent me away, the little nerd.”

“You poor man. However will you cope?”

“I don’t know. At least I still have you. Although, with how much time you’ve been spending out here, one could almost feel like you’ve been avoiding me.” There was an edge to his voice, as if he already knew that there was a truth behind it, even if he phrased it like a joke.

If he wanted to play it like that, Remus would be happy to play along. “Now why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. The only thing I could think of is that you’re not happy about Harry being here, but that was your decision much more than it was mine.”

“It’s got nothing to do with Harry, I’m glad he’s here. It may not be the ideal place for him, but I can’t argue that it’s not better than where he was before.”

“Then what is it?” All the pretence was gone now.

“Have you considered that I’m not ecstatic over the fact that you lied to me?”

“What are you... oh, the cut? Is that what the fuss is about?”

“Yes!” Remus suddenly noticed that he was standing. “That’s what the fuss is about! I hurt you and you didn’t tell me! I specifically asked you whether you were okay and you lied!”

“So what? It was a small cut, you can’t even see it anymore. Do you want to touch my face to check?”

“No. The point is that you kept it from me.”

“We always kept stuff from you, you know that. Sometimes, when you roughhouse with a werewolf, you get hurt. You were always a little sensitive about that, but you never avoided us for it.”

“Yeah, well, it’s different now.”

“How is it different now? Because I’m better at healing spells? I could’ve healed the cut then and there, there just wasn’t time because I wanted to get you home as soon as possible.”

“It’s not that.”

“Then what? Just tell me!”

Sirius just didn’t get it. He probably would never get it. “It’s because I’m blind! Before, when you got hurt and lied to me about it, I knew you were lying because I saw you limping, or because I could see it on Peter’s face. But now I can’t even see a cut right on your face because I can’t see anything anymore. I can’t check for myself whether you’re fine, so I need you to be honest with me.” All the energy left him as he sank back down to the ground. “Please, Padfoot. I need to be able to trust you.”

He felt Sirius sitting down beside him.

“Alright. I promise I’ll tell you when I’m hurt, even if it’s a completely insignificant injury.”

“You know it’s not just about the injuries, right?”

“Yeah. But you need to be honest with me too. I want to help you, but sometimes I have no idea how. Because you’ve changed since before Azkaban, but also because this is something so far outside my experience that I often just don’t know what to do. And I know you’re not okay, no matter how often you tell me you are.”

Remus hesitated. It wasn’t in his nature to let others know what he was really thinking, and that was before he’d basically become a hermit and blocked off any attempts at friendship others had made towards him. But it also wasn’t in Sirius’ nature to be so sincere, and so he felt he owed it to him to do the same. Besides, they had a child to raise together now, at least for the time being, so they’d need to communicate effectively.

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll try.”

“Good. Now, do you want to come back in? I see Harry watching us through the window but trying not to get caught. I think he’s bored of pretending to do homework.”

“Was it his idea for you to come talk to me?”

“He didn’t actually tell me to talk to you, but those were clearly his intentions.”

Remus smiled. “What a smart boy. James never would have been that subtle.”

He got rewarded with one of Sirius’ dog-like laughs. “No, thank Merlin Harry got some of his mother’s social abilities. James really was hopeless, wasn’t he?”

“Yeah, he was.”

“So, are you coming in?”

“You go on in, I’ll come join you in a few minutes. I want to enjoy the sun some more before it’s gone for the day.”

“Alright. See you later.” He left, leaving Remus alone.

When Remus went inside later, he could hear Sirius and Harry talk about the first lesson he’d had with Harry’s year, the one where he’d taken them to defeat the staff room Boggart.

“- and he was wearing that huge hat with a vulture on top that looked like it was going to topple over at any point. And the handbag! It was giant, I wonder what Neville’s grandma puts in there to have such a big handbag. And it was so red!”

“As far as inter-staff relationships go, that wasn’t my smartest move. Severus was less than impressed with my attempts to humiliate in front of his students. But I guess that particular relationship was doomed from the start, so it didn’t really matter,” Remus said.

There was a moment of silence from the other two, as if it was such a big surprise that he was joining the conversation. Thinking back on his behaviour since Harry’s arrival, maybe it was. He’d have to do better from now on.

They recovered quickly though and a lively conversation about the pros of seeing Severus Snape in a silly outfit versus the cons of the traumatic consequences of such a sight ensued. Remus felt a bit dirty, talking about his former colleague like that when the man had supplied him with Wolfsbane all year long, but he got over it. There was no doubt in his mind that Snape would jump at the chance of badmouthing him to whomever would listen.

Anyway, it was worth it. It was a nice conversation, and afterwards they had a good dinner. Remus had set the table, Harry had brought over the drinks and Sirius the food. Remus truly was a fool for distancing himself from this idyllic scene that was as close to a family as he’d ever come. Even the food itself, which was potatoes and a several types of cheese and ham, was a veritable feast in comparison to the other meals Remus had had at this table.

At night, Harry went to Remus’ old bedroom and Remus took the couch with Padfoot lying at his feet and occasionally booping him in the calf with his snout. If this was what life was going to be from now on… Remus thought he might very well be able to live like that.

Chapter Text

Of course, it was the next morning, before Remus had even had a chance to drink his usual cup of tea, that life reminded him that good things never lasted. There was a familiar tapping on the window and when he opened it, an owl flew in and flapped around the room a few times before surprising Remus with its sudden proximity by landing on his shoulder and pushing its sharp talons into his shoulder. It had a letter tied around its leg.

Remus opened the letter and used the spell Sirius had invented to make it read itself out loud. It said,

“Dear Remus,

I have gotten word that Harry Potter is no longer at his relatives’ home and have reason to believe that he is with you instead. It is of ultimate importance that he be returned there at once, any failure to do so puts his life in danger. There are still people looking to harm him, and if any of them find him, who will protect the boy?

Albus”

Well. That was a lovely way to remind him of his uselessness.

The door behind him opened. “Are you gonna make me go back to the Dursleys?” Harry asked.

Of course he’d been listening. 

“No,” he replied. “I’ll go talk to him and explain the situation. I can’t promise that you’ll be staying with us, but I will not let you go back to that poor excuse of a family.”

“We’ll gladly burn their house down if it comes to that,” Sirius added helpfully.

“That’s more of a last resort. But first, let’s have breakfast. We’ve got a tiring day ahead of us.”

After some tea and eggs and bread that none of them really managed to enjoy, they got ready to go to Hogwarts. They apparated to a spot in Hogsmeade not far from the Shrieking Shack that they were sure would be empty of people so early in the morning, Sirius taking Harry along with side-apparition. There, Sirius transformed into Padfoot and let Remus put the leash on him.

It was a lengthy walk up to Hogwarts and Harry kept up a steady stream of conversation, telling them all about the time he’d snuck into Hogsmeade and visited the Shrieking Shack. Of course, Remus already knew about the incident and remembered well just how angry and oh so scared he’d been. But the story was new to Sirius and almost seemed funny now that Remus knew there hadn’t been any danger coming from Sirius after all.

All throughout the story, Harry would interrupt himself to warn Remus of dips in the road or upcoming turns. Remus ignored it for a while, reminding himself that Harry only meant well. But that only lasted so long.

“Careful, the ground’s unsteady here,” Harry said.

Remus stopped walking, unfortunately digging the collar into Padfoot’s neck in the process. “Harry,” he began, then stopped. He’d need to tread carefully here. “I appreciate that you’re trying to help me. Both your parents were very kind people and always eager to help anyone in need. But I promise you, I’m fine. Padfoot’s a smart dog, we’ve got a good system for him guiding me. He’ll let me know where I need to walk. Alright?”

“Alright. Sorry, Professor.”

“You don’t need to call me Professor either, it’s unlikely I’ll ever be your teacher again. Just call me Remus, or if you prefer, Moony.”

“Okay,” Harry said quietly.

They continued walking in silence. Harry’s story had been at its climax when Remus had interrupted him, but he would not make him finish it if he didn’t want to. Sometimes it was good to have some quiet thinking time, and walks were great spaces for that time.

It was only a few steps later that Padfoot suddenly turned almost 180°, causing Remus to walk into him. “What –“

Padfoot had turned towards Harry, who was now giving off almost inaudible sniffling sounds. Remus had made him cry.

“Harry?” he asked. Padfoot growled at him in reply as well as the sounds of Harry’s crying. “Harry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I know you were only trying to help, and I do appreciate that. This is new to me too, I’m still figuring out myself how best to deal with how my life has changed. Harry, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“Please don’t send me back to the Dursleys, I’m sorry.”

Remus’ heart broke at those words. “We won’t, I promise. You never should have been there in the first place, never should have been treated like that. I should have been checking on you to make sure you were alright, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But I’ll make sure you’re safe and happy from now on. We’ll find you somewhere to stay, okay?”

That was obviously the wrong thing to say. Harry whimpered and Padfoot actually bit him in the leg. It wasn’t hard enough to break skin, but it did rather work at making a point.

“I just meant – Harry, you heard what Albus said in his letter. If anything happened, I wouldn’t be able to defend you.”

“So I’ll defend myself!”

“No. You’re too young, too inexperienced. Padfoot would be taken back to prison if anyone saw him and I – Come on, let’s keep walking. I’m sure Albus is expecting us already. Then we’ll figure out the best way to go from here.”

“No! He said in his letter that he wants me to go back to the Dursleys and you just said you don’t want me to stay. You promised I wouldn’t have to go back, but that’s exactly what will happen if we go there now. You talk like you care about me but you don’t, I don’t matter to you any more than I do to Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon!”

Remus heard the sounds of Harry running away and knew there was nothing he could do to stop him or follow him. Instead, he dropped Padfoot’s leash and told him, “Go after him, please. I’ll meet you back at home.”

Padfoot whined but did as he was told and took off after Harry.

Remus had a rough idea of how far they’d gotten on their walk to Hogwarts castle, but for all that his vision on such a sunny day gave him, he could have been anywhere. Thankfully, for apparition to work he only had to know where he was going, not where he was leaving from, so he made a step and a turn and landed on the walk up to his cottage.

He listened for whether anyone was around before doing the orientation spell to let the light guide him home. It was already so bright outside that he couldn’t make out the light though, a flaw that they hadn’t considered yet. Instead, he just sighed and started walking upwards, always following the path, his hands stretched out in front of him, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu. At least there was no one around to watch him.

When he reached the house, he sat down beside the front door, determined to wait for Sirius and Harry to come home, all the while planning their next steps.

Remus’ bottom felt numb and the sun had reached its peak by the time Sirius and Harry returned. Padfoot came running towards him and before Remus could defend himself – he knew exactly what was coming – Padfoot had dragged his tongue across his entire face.

“Ugh, gross! You really enjoy being a dog too much sometimes. Does that mean I’m forgiven, then?”

Harry was the one who answered. “Yeah. Sirius made some good points in your favour.”

“Oh?” Remus was very interested to know just what had been said about him.

“Yeah, but I think that’s between him and me. Sorry.”

Remus smiled in his direction. “That’s alright, as long as you believe me that I do care about you. I just want to provide you with the best possible home.”

“I know. And you don’t think that’s with you, but you’re wrong about that. Sirius agreed with me.”

Of course he did, but then he’d been wanting a child since Harry had been born and Remus had argued why that was a bad idea for just as long. Still. Sometimes people changed, and Remus had been going through a lot of change over the last year.

“Well, I had some time to think while I was waiting for you two and I think you might be right. You can’t go back to the Dursleys and Dumbledore is unlikely to agree to any alternatives, so I think we should just leave.”

“Leave?” Harry said, sounding hopeful. 

“Yes. We should probably leave Britain, to be safe. Have you ever been to France? Spain? We can figure out the specifics later, but I think we should pack and go as soon as we can. Today, if possible.”

Before he could continue, he was attacked by Harry’s hug and another licking, curtesy of Padfoot’s very sloppy tongue.

They made lunch while talking about where they could go. Afterwards, they all packed everything they wanted to take with them, which was a rather quick process for all three of them. Harry was still mostly packed, and neither Remus nor Sirius had many possessions. Then they waited for it to be dark enough to travel undetected.

Remus wished he could take a last look around the house to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything, but his own memory and trusting Sirius to tell him if he noticed anything would have to do. He closed the door behind them and took out the pen he’d pocketed earlier for this exact purpose.

He turned it into a portkey, a practice that was technically illegal without permission but something any Order member was well versed in, for emergencies. Apparition just wasn’t worth the risk for long-distance travelling. The pen emitted a light glow, easily visible now that it was almost completely dark out.

They had already explained portkeys to Harry earlier on, so now all that was left to do was for all three of them to touch it and wait for the familiar feeling of being tugged towards their destination.

Chapter Text

They ended up going to Amsterdam.

Sirius had requested something that wouldn’t be too hot because he would have to spend a lot of time in dog form, and Remus had asked for something of cultural value. Harry had just been fine with whatever as long as it was a holiday for the three of them together.

They checked into a hotel under fake names with fake passports they’d created earlier that day. It was a good hotel, all paid for by Sirius. It was late, but the receptionist just handed them the necessary forms to fill out, which Harry did by reading out what they needed and filling in whatever Remus told him. Sirius stayed next to them the whole time even though he could have walked around and explored, as Remus knew he liked to do. He really did take his role as Remus’ guide dog seriously.

Once in their room, Sirius transformed back into his human form and fell down on one of the beds.

“This is the most comfortable bed I’ve ever been in, save for maybe the Hogwarts dorm beds,” he said.

Remus was still by the door, trying to orient himself using only the ceiling light and Sirius’ voice.

“Do you... want me to explain what the room looks like to you?” Harry asked.

“Yes, thank you, that would be great.”

“Okay.” He sounded relieved, and Remus felt a sting at remembering having made Harry cry for just that kind of helpful behaviour. “There’s a door, probably to the bathroom on our right and a wardrobe on our left. It’s kind of cramped here. If you walk a few steps forwards you have the free bed on the right, and then after a few more steps the bed Sirius is on. On the left there’s a desk, then a chair, and then a wall that’s all windows in front of us. There’s uh – There’s no third bed, so I don’t know...”

“Sirius and I can share a bed, that won’t be a problem. Thank you, Harry.”

It was a little bit of a problem because while they had shared a couch since Harry’s arrival, Sirius had always been in dog form then. He didn’t seem inclined to slip into his dog form now, and sharing a bed as humans was an entirely different experience from sharing one with a dog, even if he knew the dog was really Sirius.

But so far, they hadn’t told Harry about their romantic past, and it was too late to start that kind of conversation, so they just all quietly got ready for bed that night. It had been an exhausting day, if not physically then certainly emotionally. Remus took the side of the bed closer to the window, as he had always done because he could run a little hot around the full moon.

They said their good nights and went to sleep, all thinking about the endless possibilities the next morning would bring.

What the morning brought was a headache because Remus hadn’t gotten nearly as much sleep as he’d have liked as well as the realisation that he was never going sightseeing again. There was also a good bit of confusion for the first few seconds after waking up because the bed felt different, but he couldn’t figure out where he was until he remembered their spontaneous departure the night before.

All in all, it wasn’t his best morning. Still, even though it seemed impossible, he was getting more used to these moments of loss and managed to take his mind off them rather than sinking into a hole of grief.

Part of him still would have preferred lying on his bed unresponsively as a reaction to those thoughts.  Instead, however, Remus as well as Sirius and Harry got dressed and went down for breakfast, Sirius once again safely hidden in his canine alter ego.

Remus sat down at an empty table that Padfoot led him to while Harry got to get food for all of them without having to be asked. Remus could have done it himself, but Padfoot was too small to see everything on the tables and it would have taken a lot longer, so he decided to just let Harry help and be grateful. Besides, he was sure the other guests at the hotel would appreciate Remus not having to grope around their food.

Harry’s choice of food turned out to be their own buffet of fruits and bread and pastry. They ate as much as they could, even inconspicuously handing some of it to Padfoot. Then Remus packed the remaining food away while Harry watched for anyone who might tell them off. They successfully sneaked it back to their room, where an enthusiastic Sirius ate every last crumb of it.

Once he was sufficiently sated, they went on their way to explore Amsterdam. Remus didn’t get to see the canals or the tulips being sold, but he got to hear the water and smell the tulips. He heard the people around them speaking in Dutch, but also a host of other languages. And he got to experience both Harry’s excited descriptions of what he could see and Padfoot dragging him towards flower stands and souvenir shops. It wasn’t quite the experience he’d hoped for, but it wasn’t nothing.

And of course, there was the food. They had Poffertjes and Stroopwafels and anything else that smelled good pretty much all day long as little snacks whenever they felt like eating. Padfoot got to try anything that was safe for dogs to eat as well, of course, and everything else was packed away for him to enjoy later.

At one point, Padfoot started running and Remus had no option but to run with him and hope that they weren’t in any serious danger. There was a man shouting after them, but Remus didn’t understand what he was saying, only that he was angry. Next to him, Harry was running alongside them and laughing. Eventually they stopped at a bench and as Remus flopped down on it, completely out of breath, Padfoot bopped his knee with his snout. Upon stroking his head, Remus discovered a single flower in his mouth.

Harry started laughing again and said, “I think you’re being courted by Padfoot!” 

Remus didn’t respond to that. It really did seem like Harry was right, but the move was so unexpected and overt that he had no idea how to react. Especially not in front of Harry.

“I’m sorry,” Harry said, sounding subdued. “I shouldn’t have – It’s none of my business.”

“It’s okay,” Remus hurried to reassure him. Just how much had he fucked up to make Harry so unsure of himself around Remus? He’d been so much more confident at Hogwarts. “We’re just friends, but we used to. Be a couple, I mean. At Hogwarts and afterwards. We didn’t mean to hide anything from you, really, it’s just that we’re still figuring things out.”

“Okay.”

They continued walking and Harry stayed silent. Shit shit shit. Remus really had made a huge mistake in being so rude to Harry when he’d just been trying to help. He thought that maybe Harry’s conversation with Sirius would have helped, but clearly it hadn’t done enough.

“You can ask me questions, you know, Harry? I’m sorry that I reacted so badly last time, and it wasn’t your mistake. I know you only wanted to help.”

“You don’t have to apologise, I know I went too far, I’ll try to do better. I just don’t want you to send me back to the Dursleys. I’ll try to do better.”

Padfoot barked, and Remus wished he could do the same to express how he felt at hearing that.

“Oh Harry, there’s nothing you could do that would make me – would make us – send you back there. I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through that in the first place. No one should ever treat a child in that way. Harry, you deserve the best childhood, and I will do whatever I can to give it to you. I promise.”

“Okay,” Harry said again, but this time Remus thought he could hear a trace of relief in his voice. “So does this flower mean you’re a couple again?” He sounded genuinely curious, and Remus couldn’t help but feel relieved at that reaction. He hadn’t expected Harry to be homophobic, but with an upbringing like his, you could never be sure just what opinions he’d been exposed to and subconsciously absorbed as his own.

“I don’t know.” He wished he knew.

“Do you want to date him?” Harry asked, as if Remus had any idea what the answer to that question was. As if that wasn’t the most terrifying question he could have asked Remus in that moment. Padfoot was still right next to them, listening to Remus’ every word while being exempt from his own questioning. Lucky tosser.

“Harry, it’s a complicated issue. A lot has changed over the years since we dated. We’ve both become different people, and there hasn’t been time to talk about what all of that means for us.”

“Well, do you want to date him?” Remus was confused for second why Harry would ask again, until Padfoot let out a bark and he realised that the question hadn’t been for him.

“I think that’s a yes,” Harry said.

Padfoot licked his hand.

Somehow, Padfoot must have paid enough attention to where he was running that he managed to get them all back to the hotel with seemingly no problems. They ordered room service and ate it all while sitting on Remus and Sirius’ bed. They could vanish the crumbs later, and there was just something about eating on a bed together that gave you a special sense of camaraderie and cosiness.

If that was their first day in Amsterdam, they would have a great time there, Remus was sure.

Just like the night before, the day had left them all tired and so there was only time for a half hour or so of talking about how much fun they’d had and what they’d liked most before they decided it was time to go to bed.

Sirius was already in bed when Remus came back from the bathroom. “You know, I think maybe we should get you a stick,” he whispered. Harry likely wasn’t asleep yet, but it was dark in the room, and sometimes you couldn’t help but match the quiet mood.

Remus reached the bed and slid in. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I read something about blind Muggles using sticks to swing around. Helps them not run into things.”

So far, Remus had only had to walk either around his own house or he’d had Padfoot to guide him, at least once Sirius had come to stay with him. But if Sirius should be unavailable to him for any reason, he’d have a big problem getting around. Maybe he did have a point about finding other ways for Remus to be able to navigate.

“Why are you bringing this up now? Are you leaving?” Fear took hold of Remus and he could see the pictures of him struggling through life, blind and alone and poor and purposeless, in his mind’s eye.

“No, never. I just wasn’t sure whether you’d find the bed just then.”

“The room’s not that big, Pads.”

“Still.”

“Yeah. We’ll figure something out in the morning. Good night.”

“Good night, Moony. Night, Harry.”

“Good night.”

After that, all that was left to hear were the noises of their breaths, the occasional rustling of sheets as they moved, the distant sound of driving cars. With nothing to see and so little to hear, Remus became acutely aware of just how close he was to Sirius.

Sirius, who spent all day on the leash so Remus could walk safely and comfortably through a new city. Sirius, who researched blindness in order to help Remus adapt to his new circumstances. Sirius, who loved Harry so intensely that it shined through in every move and every word. Sirius, who seemed to love Remus too, still, after all these years.

Sirius, the man that Remus had loved like he’d never loved anyone else.

As he tried to clear his mind and fall asleep, he couldn’t help but think that the night would have ended very differently if Harry hadn’t been in the room with them.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Remus felt differently about the situation. He couldn’t let himself get carried away. In fact, he had to leave. He clearly was a terrible choice to act as a guardian to Harry. He’d made the boy cry, had made him run away, had made him too afraid to just talk to Remus about his personal life. Remus might have made an acceptable teacher, but he wasn’t suited to be any type of parental figure. He had to leave before he could do any more damage.

And Sirius. Sirius, who had for some reason decided to start flirting with Remus, like they were sixteen again and no obstacle could ever stand in the way of their love. He knew better now. He’d already taken too much from Sirius. If he let this romantic connection proceed any further, he would tie Sirius down even more. Sirius deserved a good life, deserved freedom. He should be the one caring for Harry because those two had an instant natural connection that Remus never felt with Harry. There had been too many secrets between them from the start.

No, Sirius needed to be free, and Harry needed to be cared for by someone to whom love came more naturally and freely than it did for Remus. It was time to leave.

Of course, Remus knew perfectly well what Sirius would say if he told him these thoughts, but that didn’t matter. Sirius had never been one to do what was best for him, especially not where his friends were concerned. Sirius was stubborn, but so was Remus. He knew this wasn’t right. Knew that he wasn’t right for Sirius. He had to leave.

There was just one little problem: He had no idea where he would go. There was no way he could apparate all the way to Britain without splinching himself, and he couldn’t just leave Harry here, not when Sirius couldn’t go anywhere in human form because he was still on the run.

“Having some intense thoughts there so early in the morning, are you?” Sirius asked.

Remus had just been lying there, thinking, not registering that Sirius had moved or that his breathing had changed.

“Uh…” he said.

“Let’s hear it then,” Sirius said.

“What?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’ll go take a shower, shall I? Leave you two to talk,” Harry said as he walked by their bed.

Sirius snorted. “Smart boy, that one,” he said.

“He sure didn’t get that from James,” Remus replied, a grin on his lips.

They laughed together, and it felt good. Healing. But it didn’t take long for the tension to return.

“So, what’s really going on?” Sirius asked.

“I told you, nothing is going on.”

“I don’t believe you. Are you thinking of running away again?”

Remus stayed silent. How could he possibly –

He heard Sirius sigh. “You are, aren’t you?”

“No, I –“

“How can you still think that this blindness makes you any less worthy?”

Remus stayed silent.

“What will it take for you to say that you’re worthy of this life with Harry and me in it? I know this isn’t the most conventional life and maybe we’re not doing everything the way we would have if you could still see, but I think we’re making it work. I’m actually pretty proud of how well we’re handling everything, to tell you the truth. What else could you possibly expect of yourself so that you’ll accept that you’re allowed to stay and have the life you want? Because I know you want this. I know you.

Remus still didn’t know what to say. What was there to say?

“You know what I think?” Sirius continued. “I think that this isn’t about your blindness at all. I think this is much older than that. I don’t know whether it’s because you’re a werewolf or whether this is just who you are. I guess we’ll never really know because you were turned at such a young age. But you’ve always been like this! Always ready to run away when things get tough.”

Remus tried to listen for the running water in the bathroom, but he couldn’t hear any. Had it even been turned on? Was Harry listening in on this conversation? He desperately hoped he wasn’t because he’d rarely felt so stripped naked.

“I’m sorry,” Remus whispered.

“I know,” Sirius said. “I know you’ve had a lot of shit happen to you in your life, but there’s been good too. I promise you that it’ll get easier. I’ll help you, and Harry will too, but you’ve got to let us, okay? Don’t run away. And don’t push us away, either.”

Remus nodded. A tear slid down his cheek.

Sirius’ finger softly wiped it away.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Then I’ll let Harry know he can come back out again.”

Later that day, Sirius transfigured a white cane out of one of the flowers that stood in a vase on the bedside table. Remus assumed they were tulips but didn’t care enough to ask or to try and figure it out by touch. He’d always liked the dark purple ones best and so decided to just go ahead and imagine them that way.

The cane had a rubbery grip at the top and a little ball at the tip. Remus tried swinging it back and forth across the floor in front of him and found that the material caught on the tip did not swing easily.

“Hold on,” Sirius said and took the cane from him. A few seconds later, he found the cane pressed against his knuckles. “Try again.”

He tried again and it moved easier that time.

“Can we try it outside now?” Harry asked. Remus’ heart started racing at the thought of already being out in the busy streets of Amsterdam with this tool he barely knew how to use, and fortunately Sirius must have noticed because he said, “Let’s give him some more time to get used to the cane.”

Remus walked the length of the room a few times, trying to walk in a straight line and only swing the cane right in front of where he was walking so he wasn’t constantly hitting the wardrobe and bed.

Surely there were rules for how to actually use these things, but he had no idea and so had to figure it out on his own somehow. Remus suggested moving to the hallway instead, where he tried to refine his cane-using technique. He tried both tapping and swinging, made smaller movements, found a wrist position where unexpected stops because of objects in his path didn’t hurt.

At some point Harry got his own cane from Sirius to save him from the boredom of having to watch Remus just walk up and down the hallway. Harry walked a good distance behind Remus, giving commentary on his experience every couple of steps.

“Oh, this is scary if you do it with your eyes closed.”

“Oops, I forgot there was a statue there. You can fix it if I break anything, right, Sirius?”

“Actually, this is kind of fun.”

It was fine until Harry decided that he had mastered the art of walking with a white cane and ran with his eyes closed. Remus could hear his foots trampling towards him and Sirius’ “Harry!” but it was already too late. They crashed together and fell on the floor in a heap of limbs and sticks.

There was a moment of silence, then Remus started laughing. “Okay, I think we can go out now. But I do want the leash just in case still.”

Sirius transformed into a dog, which Remus realised he should have been the whole time they’d spent in the hallway anyway, but there was no point admonishing him on taking this unnecessary risk. They put the harness on him and walked downstairs and out of the building, with Remus haphazardly using his cane but still mostly relying on Padfoot to guide him. 

They walked around the city a lot, in the less densely populated areas, cane in one hand and dog leash in the other. Harry must be getting pretty bored of all the walking around unknown parts of Amsterdam, Remus thought, but if he was then he managed to hide it from Remus.

Amid all the exploration and vacation activities, Remus kept using his cane, trying to develop this new skill. His hand cramped from gripping the cane tightly all the time, but still he kept trying.  It was a bit like navigating had felt before using Padfoot, where everything around him might hold any number of dangers and there was nothing protecting Remus from walking right into them. He couldn’t trust the cane the way he’d learned to trust Padfoot when he was guiding him.

He couldn’t afford to get lost in his new obsession for one simple reason, though, and that was that Harry’s birthday was coming up. With everything going on, Remus hadn’t thought about Harry’s birthday until the night before.

He used the opportunity of Harry being in the bathroom, getting ready for bed to say, “Hey, are you aware it’s Harry’s birthday tomorrow?”

“Well, yes. I was there at his birth, you know?” Remus could hear the cheeky grin without a problem.

“Very funny. Do you have anything planned though?”

“I was going to take him to some of the kids attractions around here. The science museum seems fun, maybe Madame Tussauds. Definitely the Dungeon, I’ve seen him look at the posters.”

“Oh. So you’ve really planned it out, then. Were you planning on telling me any of this?”

“To be honest, it hasn’t seemed like you cared. You’ve been so focused on using your cane that you’ve completely forgotten that Harry and I even exist.”

“Of course I haven’t forgotten you exist! I’ve just been trying learn a pretty important skill and it would be nice if you didn’t treat me like I’m a bad person for that, considering it was your idea!”

“I’m not treating you like that at all, but just look at what’s happening! You’ve been so absorbed by this new thing that you’ve forgotten Harry’s birthday until the night before, and now you’re angry at me because I haven’t.”

“That’s not why I’m angry, you twat. I’m angry because you made plans and didn’t think to include me. Don’t you think I want to celebrate Harry’s birthday with him as well?”

“I don’t know, do you?”

“Oh fuck you.”

Remus went to bed and pretended to be asleep, knowing no one would buy it but not caring. Only about 30 seconds later, Harry exited the bathroom and Remus realised he must have waited for them to finish their argument and felt awful. They were creating an unhealthy environment for Harry to grow up in, the very thing he and Sirius had always sworn they would never do, were they to ever have a child together.

He would have to do better, starting tomorrow.

The morning started, as it always did, with Remus and Harry going down for breakfast with Padfoot having to wait for what they brought back for him. They congratulated Harry on his birthday, and during breakfast, Remus chatted with Harry about what he would like to do on his special day.

“Uh…”

“Have you talked about it with Sirius?”

“Yeah, he had some ideas for what we could do and…”

“And they probably sounded like fun, I’d assume. Sirius has always been good at planning a fun day.”

“It did. He said you wouldn’t want to come along, though, because you’re busy learning to walk with a cane. I understand if you don’t want to come but I really think it would be fun if you came. I could describe all the exhibitions to you, and I know it’s not the same as seeing them, but –“

“I’d love to come, Harry, thank you.”

Sirius really did know how to plan a great birthday. Harry occasionally described their surroundings to Remus, but mostly he was too busy staring at everything and limited his descriptions to “wow” and “awesome” and “this is the best thing I’ve ever seen”, which Remus appreciated more than any true description ever could have.

They spent the evening in their hotel room, where Sirius could be with them without needing a disguise, with a big bag full of takeout. They talked about Harry’s adventures at school as well as their own. It was fun and it was relaxed, and for one evening, they managed to forget about their problems, at least for the most part.

Remus felt like they’d given Harry a good birthday, at least as good as they could manage considering the circumstances, and that made him feel just a tiny bit less like everything was falling apart around him.

On 1 August, a flock of owls arrived at their hotel room, just as they were going to bed.

“Oh,” Harry said, surprised.

“Owls are incredibly smart animals,” Sirius said. “They can find you pretty much anywhere.”

“I thought my friends may have forgotten my birthday…” Harry said, bashfully.

“Nah, they love you, they wouldn’t forget,” Sirius said. “We’re just further away and so it takes longer. Those poor owls, let’s give them time for a good long rest before we send them off again.”

“Okay.”

Remus hadn’t noticed any sign of Harry being worried about being forgotten, but he also couldn’t blame Harry for not coming to them with his worry. Or at least for not coming to Remus.

The presents consisted to a big part of a lot of food, which also told Remus that while he’d had no idea, others had none at least to some extent how Harry was being treated by his relatives.

“Oh, and Ron invited me to the Quidditch world cup! Can I go?”

“We’ll figure something out, I’m sure,” Sirius said.

He didn’t even bother asking Remus whether he thought it was a good idea or not.

Over the next few days, they kept exploring Amsterdam. It really was a wonderful city, and Remus found himself enjoying it, even without sight. At first, he feared that they would have a problem getting into places, but it turned out that describing Padfoot as a seeing-eye dog (a Dutch person taught him that word – it seemed a strange choice of phrasing to Remus since most dogs had seeing eyes, but he didn’t question it out loud) got them past most of the no pet policies. This really would have been useful information at the library, but alas.

They mostly let Harry decide which museums he wanted to go into and which he wasn’t as interested in. He was the one getting the most out of the experience, and of course they wanted Harry to have a good time.

It also allowed Remus to learn more about who Harry was as a person. He was a quiet museum-goer, for the most part, though he did try and explain a lot of what he saw to Remus. It didn’t always work at giving Remus a good idea of just what Harry was seeing – Remus’ knowledge of Muggle culture was a bit more dated than Harry’s, and he lacked a lot of the context for the historical artifacts or the art displayed at the museums – but Remus appreciated the effort nonetheless.

And of course, there was a lot to explore even without going into any of the museums. They walked through the open-air markets and took a cruise along the canal. After the second day, they established a routine of having a light lunch at Vondelpark.

The best part, in Remus’ opinion, was when they took a walk late enough at night that it had gotten dark. That was when Remus really got to enjoy the city because the city was beautifully lit up at night and Remus got to look around and take in his surrounding, and he couldn’t imagine that it looked any more beautiful if he’d had full sight.

During all of this, there wasn’t any more talk about romance. Sirius seemed to have given up on his attempt at flirting with Remus, and Remus certainly wasn’t going to broach the topic again if he could help it.. Harry also kept quiet on the topic. He really was a smart boy, and perceptive too. Remus wasn’t sure even Lily could be thanked for that particular set of genes, it must just be something uniquely Harry.

Chapter Text

As the days went on, Remus noticed that handling the cane became increasingly uncomfortable as the full moon approached. It wasn’t just from holding it too tightly or bumping into things. It was a permanent ache that went from his wrist over the elbow and shoulder and all the way through chest and back.

He was used to feeling uncomfortable before the full moon, like the wolf inside of him was waking up and rattling at its cage, anxious to get out. The constant use of his arm only made that feeling worse, to the point where he felt prone to nausea all the time.

Two days before the full moon, he finally gave up on the cane and exclusively used Padfoot for guidance when they went out for food and the occasional walk. Neither Harry nor Sirius said anything about it, but Remus assumed that they'd had a private conversation about it at some point.

He didn't mind them talking about him, although he'd have preferred Harry - and Sirius too, for that matter - just asked him directly if they had questions.

The evening before the full moon, they were sitting in the hotel room, Sirius and Harry on their respective beds and Remus on the armchair next to the windows. The sun was warming half of his body in a way that made him feel gloriously comfortable for the first time in days. Or rather it managed to distract him from the uncomfortable feeling in a way that nothing else had managed over the last few days.

Still, they had something important they needed to discuss, so he ended the blissful moment and said, "I'll have to go back to England tomorrow, and I need you to let me go alone."

As expected, he was immediately met with sentiments of strong disagreement from two sides the moment he said it.

"No way! We're coming with you!"

"You idiot, that is a terrible idea. Just stay here and -"

Remus held up a hand and Sirius stilled at once.

"Just think it through, please. We don't know Amsterdam and the Netherlands nearly well enough to find a suitable place for me to change. And we can't risk taking Harry back to England and having be found and taken back to the Dursleys."

"So I'll just stay here and Sirius goes with you."

"No," both Remus and Sirius said at the same time. They didn't bother explaining why that was a terrible idea and Harry didn't argue further, though Remus thought he heard an annoyed huff from his general direction.

"I don't want you to be alone on the full moon again," Sirius said. "You've spent too many of them alone already, and we promised you'd never have to do that again."

There was desperation in his voice and a deep sadness that Remus felt too in that moment.

The moment he was referring to had been after a particularly bad full moon in their seventh year. James had tried to stop the bleeding from his abdomen while Sirius had held him, giving him warmth and support as he shivered on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, waiting for Madam Pomfrey to come get him as she did every full moon morning. It had been a close call that time, Remus was fairly sure. Sirius had whispered the promise to him then and later gotten the other two to promise as well.

Of course, it hadn't taken long once the war really took off for that promise to be broken.

Remus shrugged. "Things seemed a lot simpler then than they do now."

They had been each other's highest priorities back then, but that had been before the war, before Peter's betrayal. Before they'd had Harry to take care of.

"I still think I should come with you," Sirius argued. "At least to make sure you're alright."

"No," Remus said. "I need you to stay with Harry."

"Harry'll be alright alone for an hour or two. Won't you, kiddo?"

Remus didn't wait for Harry's response. "No. I need you to promise me you'll let me do this, Sirius."

There was silence for a few awful moments that made Remus think he'd have to argue further for what increasingly felt like his right to act independently, but eventually Sirius replied. "Fine," he said. "But if you're not back by noon, I'll come and get you. No arguments," he added when Remus opened his mouth.

"Fine. But noon and no earlier."

“Fine.”

Another uncomfortable day passed in which Remus stayed in the hotel room, too tired and achy now to walk around Amsterdam, while Harry and Padfoot went out to have fun. They didn’t stay out for very long, though.

Soon it was time for Remus to leave.

He took nothing but his wand and his cane with him. They wanted to avoid his apparition being in any way traced back to Sirius and Harry, so the three of them took an evening walk to the nearest woods, walking slower than usual because Remus felt completely incapable of concentrating and didn’t trust his next steps not to lead him straight into a wall as he usually did. The little concentration he did have went into not grimacing at the pain he felt. The times when he’d managed to crawl through the entrance in the Whomping Willow and make it all the way to the Shrieking Shack on a full moon night felt like a lifetime away now.

Once they were sufficiently hidden by the trees around them and Remus simply could not walk another step on the uneven ground, bushes and branches touching him unexpectedly from all sides and making him even jumpier, they stopped.

Remus ruffled Padfoot’s fur, telling him, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Pads.” He gave Harry a quick hug goodbye, concentrated on his destination, and stepped and turned.

Remus found himself standing in front of a safe house in the depths of the Scottish highlands that he'd used a few times during the first war. It was one he knew for sure Albus didn't know about and he'd come there often enough that he wasn't worried about orienting himself.

He took the folded cane out of his pocket and used it to find the safe house, still casting a now barely visible shadow as the sun sunk lower over the horizon. Soon, he wouldn't be able to see even that. He couldn’t see the moon either, not since that last transformation at Hogwarts, its light not bright enough for his eyes to perceive even at its fullest.

If he’d been feeling any better, he would have spent some thought on the potential symbolism of that, but he wasn’t so he didn’t.

Instead, he spelled the door closed behind him and carefully swung his cane around the room to re-familiarise himself with its layout, then lay down on the mattress.

It was in poor condition because of its age and how many times it had been destroyed and reparo-ed. He tested and strengthened the wards around the building and locked himself up with the chains that he’d known to be on the bottom of the closet for this very reason.

He put a protection spell around his wand that he knew from experience would last the full night – this was not the same wand that he’d received at 11 years old, and he was not keen to find another replacement.

The hours before the rise of the full moon had always been agonising because it was when his body was at its worst – worse even than after the full moon, when he was exhausted and scratched up all over – and there was nothing to pass the time. Anything he were to take with him to his transformation space would get destroyed by the wolf.

For a few years, he’d had the other Marauders there with him, and they had tried to help him feel better while he waited for the inevitable agony to set it, but they’d rarely really been successful.

He tried to remember the rare moments when they did succeed as he waited for the pain to engulf him. As always, concentrating on anything was almost impossible, and concentrating on something happy even more so.

When Remus woke up again, it was from the light streaming in through a window he hadn’t noticed the evening before. His body hurt, the joints protesting every movement, the skin feeling too tight and raw. He could smell blood, but the pain was too all-encompassing to determine by feeling alone where the blood was coming from.

Remus sat up, got his wand and got started on unlocking the chains and finding the various wounds strewn across his body in order to heal them. He had never been a natural healer, not the way Sirius was, but healing his own wounds was something he was very much used to and could do under the worst of circumstances, such as when he was almost out of his mind from pain and fatigue.

It was only when he stood up and left the house that the pain was really becoming a problem.

Apparating right after a full moon was a risky move anyway, and with his goal being a place he had never seen, Remus realised quickly that it would not just be risky but downright stupid to try and apparate back to Amsterdam.

Even if he did manage, he couldn’t apparate directly into the hotel for fear of someone either hearing him or tracing the apparition, and if he apparated to somewhere else, it would be a hell of a journey to get back to the hotel.

In his desperate need to be independent, Remus had stranded him alone in the Scottish highlands with nothing to do but wait for Sirius to come get him. He cursed himself for not doing a better job of planning ahead.

Remus slid down with his back against the wall of the building, buckling under the weight of his fatigue and the weight of his disability. It was there that Sirius found him, an hour or two later.

It was only then Remus realised he’d never told Sirius which safe house he was going to, but apparently there had been no need. He didn’t know how to feel about that.

“You’re early, it’s not noon yet,” Remus said. He didn’t actually know for sure because the sun had become too bright for his eyes (he should have taken his sunglasses at least, but he hadn’t planned for that either), but he knew Sirius. He rarely felt so grateful for Sirius as he did right then and there. He also never resented him quite so much as he did then and there.

“Terribly sorry about that, should I come back later?”

Remus wanted to smile, he really did, but he just couldn’t. Sirius sat down next to him.

“Usually you’re asleep around this time,” he said.

“I’m too tired to sleep,” Remus replied. He rested his forehead on his knee, a movement that his back did not appreciate. He didn’t care; there was pain everywhere anyway. “We should go back, make sure Harry’s alright,” he said.

Sirius’ arm came around his back and rested on his shoulder. “He’ll be okay, I told him to stay in the hotel room and watch as much telly as he wants. We can stay here for a bit.”

“Okay,” Remus breathed. He slumped against Sirius, who of course held him up, as he always did.

They were quiet for a while, nothing but the sound of their breathing.

“Every time I think I’m okay, life throws something new at me,” Remus said. “I’m so exhausted. Not just from last night, I mean but just. Life. All of it. It’s too much.”

“What do you mean, ‘too much’?”

He sounded worried, which immediately made Remus feel awful about himself. Even more so than already.

“I just mean... I’m sorry, I don’t want to worry you.”

“Well, I’m worried. You’re not gonna go off and kill yourself, are you?”

Leave it to Sirius to be more brutally honest than any other person Remus knew. 

“No. Of course not. I’m sorry, I’m just tired.”

“Then don’t say shit like that. I’m tired too, you know. I was on the run for a year and went straight from that to taking care of first you and then Harry. I know your life hasn’t been easy, but neither is mine. You’re not the only one who gets to be tired.”

Remus felt the adrenaline rise in him. He sat back up and turned towards Sirius. “I never said I was. And if you’ll care to recall, I also never asked you to take care of me.”

Sirius snorted. “It’s okay to need help sometimes, we all do. You’re not superhuman, even if you like to pretend you are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, as I’ve had to learn myself. But Remus, let’s not kid ourselves. You were not fine.”

“I would have coped without you.”

“You were basically non-responsive for a week. You would have starved.”

Remus clenched his jaw. He had already been feeling vulnerable and dependent, and having it confirmed by Sirius did not help.

Sirius continued. “I told you, it’s fine to need help –“

“So what is your point then? Telling me I would have died without your help? That my life is so fucked that I can’t even keep myself alive anymore?”

“No! Of course not. Merlin, Remus... I don’t even know why we’re arguing.”

With a sigh, Remus leaned his head back against the house. “Alright. Shall we head back, then? We should go see that Harry’s okay.”

"This again? I have to say, I'm just a bit surprised Harry is your top priority all of a sudden. It seems a bit rich coming from the man who has solely thought about himself for the last few weeks."

Remus knew he hadn't been as observant as he could have been, but still, that seemed unfair. "That is not what I’ve been doing. Besides, I'd like to see you just continue as if nothing happened after getting blinded. It does change things a bit, you know."

Sirius gave a short, cold laugh. "Oh yeah, terribly sorry. All I did was spend twelve years in prison being tortured by Dementors. Of course, that doesn't change anything. Just get out, spend a year on the run from getting put back in prison, then take care of your blind friend and your godson. No problem at all."

"I don't need you to take care of me."

"Don't you? Would you be able to get back to England from here? Keep Harry safe in a fight? You don't even notice just how much he is still suffering from being with those awful relatives for so long. Did you know he hides food? That he flinches away from us when he thinks he's made a mistake? You both need help, and honestly Remus, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone needs help sometimes, and Merlin knows, I've needed help before. Besides, it's the least I can do."

Remus thought back to Harry's behaviour over the last weeks and was ashamed to find that he had noticed nothing of what Sirius had just told him. And Sirius wouldn't lie, not about something like that. Remus, who had always prided himself on appearing as gentle and non-threatening as he possibly could, didn't even notice when he scared the one child that meant the most to him.

"Wait – What did you mean, it's the least you can do?"

“Nothing. Nevermind. Let’s go back, shall we?”

“… Fine.”

They went back, Sirius side along-apparating Remus, but the tension in the air followed them, and it never quite dissipated.

Remus mostly rested over the next two days, with Harry often hovering around him nervously in his attempt to help while Sirius mostly left him be. Occasionally, they went out together, but Harry said he felt weird wandering around Amsterdam with only a dog, and so they stayed at the hotel room with Remus for the most part.

On the third day after the full moon, Remus got up from the bed, having decided that he’d rested enough. He took the cane and practised with it until his hand felt ready to fall off. Remus knew, in theory, that Amsterdam wasn’t a good city to practise this kind of skill. There was just too much going on. There were tourists everywhere, railings along the bridges that were hard to find and identify with a cane, and of course it was a place that he’d never seen and therefore didn’t have a mental image of.

But still, he kept trying, and he kept getting frustrated with his lack of progress. It wasn’t even that he made a lot of mistakes. He could walk along a wall pretty well, and if he kept his free hand of the railing, he could cross the bridges as well without getting stuck at every point where the railing connected to the bridge.

The problem was his lack of confidence. Remus was used to being guided not just by a sentient being but by Sirius, who even as a dog had all the intelligence of a human and the knowledge of Remus’ preferences specifically. He knew exactly how to comfortably guide Remus through pretty much any situation, while just Remus with a cane had none of that comfort.

Remus hated that there was nothing in the world that would make him prefer using a cane over being guided by Padfoot. He was dependent on him because he simply could not imagine a life where he went to knew places without anyone there to guide him. Even here in Amsterdam, he kept to the routes that he knew already because Padfoot had been his guide, and he knew that if he did get lost, Padfoot would be able to get him back to the hotel again.

It was hopeless. Remus kept trying and trying, and just kept getting frustrated.

And then one night, Harry woke up screaming and, as Sirius told him later, clutching at his scar.

Chapter Text

Remus and Sirius managed to get Harry calm pretty quickly. They all sat on his bed; Sirius had an arm around his shoulders and Remus held his hands as Harry told them what exactly he’d seen in his dream. Although dream probably wasn’t the right word for it, as Remus soon realised.

They encouraged Harry to drink a glass of water, then waited for him to fall back asleep. Neither of them mentioned wanting to talk, but Remus certainly wouldn't have been able to fall asleep, and Sirius didn't sound like he was likely to fall asleep anytime soon either.

He was lying there, completely still, which was unusual for him. He wasn't quite as restless a sleeper as he'd been pre-Azkaban, but he did still move around. A bit like a dog trying to find the perfect position to lie down, Remus thought fondly.

After about a quarter of an hour, the breaths coming from Harry's bed made Remus think it was safe to proceed. He took Sirius' hand and made tugging motions in direction of the hotel room door. Sirius understood and followed Remus out of the room.

"We need to go back to England," Remus started.

"I agree," said Sirius. "We've got a clue for where that rat is. I say we tell Dumbledore, maybe some old friends who're unlikely to get me arrested on the spot, and we go rat-catching."

Remus frowned. "No, Sirius, that's - I'm sorry, I know how much you want him dead, and believe me, I do too, but we can't. We need to focus on Harry."

"Harry?" There was confusion is his voice, but also an underlying tension that Remus didn't understand.

"Yes, Harry. This wasn't a normal dream. Something weird is happening and we need to figure out what it is. Albus is our best chance to do that."

"Sure, we can definitely do that. But that doesn't mean we can't also try and catch Peter."
"We need to focus on Harry's safety over your freedom, Padfoot."

“Fuck you,” Sirius said, and Remus immediately felt bad for saying it. Sirius really was doing a lot for both of them.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. But we do need to go back, and we need to make Harry our priority.”

Sirius sighed. “I know, I know. Fucking Mr Sensible. We’ll go back tomorrow.”

“Right. Let's get some sleep, then."

And so they did. It was hard to fall asleep, but eventually Remus managed.

The next morning, Remus, Sirius and Harry enjoyed a last breakfast at the hotel before packing and checking out. Harry was rather quiet the whole way through, up until they were walking to the same place that Remus had used to apparate. It was a good place to be unobserved.

“We’re leaving because of my dream last night, aren’t we?” Harry asked.

“We are,” Sirius said.

“I ruined our trip.”

“You certainly did not,” said Remus. “Telling us about that dream gave us important information that we need to share with Professor Dumbledore.” He paused, unsure of how much to say. “It is also a bit strange that you had that dream in the first place, so we want to discuss that with the headmaster as well. Just to make sure that it doesn’t pose a danger to you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry we have to leave because of me.”

“Please never apologise for that,” Remus said. “We both care about you, and so of course your safety is more important than whatever good time we might have had in Amsterdam.”

“…Okay. Will I still be able to go to the Quidditch match?”

“I’m sorry,” Remus said.

Remus didn’t hear any response to that, but he knew Harry well enough to know that this news would not be received well. If Remus had any idea how to make this situation better in that moment, he would have done it, but he had no clue.  

Remus, Sirius and Harry landed in Hogsmeade, close to the Shrieking Shack.

It was abandoned, as expected, but Sirius still slipped into his animagus form without hesitation. Remus sent a Patronus message to Albus, informing him of their arrival while Harry put the harness on Padfoot and then guided Remus hand to it. 

It wasn’t long before Albus’ voice sounded from their right and announced, “I’ll be waiting for your report in my office. I might have some Liquorice Allsorts for Harry still.”

“I don’t like liquorice, though,” Harry said.

“No one does,” said Remus. “I think that’s his way of telling us the password to the office.”

“Oh, right. It was a sweet when I was in the office in first year as well, I think.”

Padfoot let out a loud excited bark.

“What’s he trying to say?” Harry asked.

“I’m pretty sure he’s proud of you for being in the headmaster’s office in your first year already. For him, it’s a badge of honour for a true troublemaker to have to go there.”

They both laughed and Padfoot laughed with them, in his own special doggy way.

Over the next hour, however, things went downhill, and fast. They went to Dumbledore’s office, where Dumbledore listened to their tale, being so kind as to not make any mention of their absence. He hummed a few times, then told them that it confirmed something he had already suspected.

“I had hoped it wouldn’t be the case, but alas, our most fervent hopes rarely turn out to be true.”

He did not get any less cryptic than that, no matter what questions they asked. His answer was clear: They were in danger, and the only safe place for them to stay was Grimmauld Place.

“Grimmauld Place? Surely you must be joking,” Sirius said. “I couldn’t think of a more dangerous place for a child to be, and trust me, I know what I’m talking about. We might as well just go and knock on Voldemort’s door.”

“I understand you have some unfortunate memories associated with the place, but it is of the utmost importance that you keep yourselves safe, and Grimmauld Place is one of the few places that are close to on par with Hogwarts.”

Remus had heard some stories about Sirius’ childhood, but, more than that, had heard the ringing silence of all the things he hadn’t said. He felt like Dumbledore’s phrasing of ‘some unfortunate memories’ was understating things, but he did see the logic behind what he said. If they were in danger, and he had no doubt that they were, then surely it was worth going back to his childhood home?

Though it was not what any of them wanted, they decided to go along with Dumbledore’s suggestion. Remus, Sirius and Harry would move into Grimmauld Place, at least until the start of the new school year.

They moved into Grimmauld Place with a big storm cloud floating above them.

Sirius stomped in first, Remus and Harry following tentatively. He had not exactly inspired them with confidence about their safety in this house. Sirius’ parents and brother were all dead and had been for several years, so there was no danger in that area, but if Sirius was to be believed, there was plenty of danger coming from the house itself.

That was confirmed when only a few steps into the house, a voice started screaming at them. “DESERTER! BLOOD-TRAITOR! HOW DARE YOU ENTER THIS HOUSE, YOU GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT!”

They all stopped in their tracks. Remus desperately tried to figure out where that voice might be coming from, how it could be that Walburga Black was talking to them when he remembered with perfect clarity reading about her death in the paper.

“It’s a portrait,” Sirius murmured, clearing up the mystery. “She made a fucking portrait of herself. Of course she did.”

He tried a few spells to vanish or destroy it, but judging from the increasing frustration in his voice, none of them did anything.

“I’ll try later, let’s just get settled in, shall we?” Remus suggested.

“Sure.”

The next surprise was just around the corner. Literally.

Sirius led them a few steps, then stopped again and groaned. “Kreacher.”

“What? What kind of creature?”

“It’s a house-elf,” Harry whispered. “A very old one, I think.”

The house-elf began speaking, and it did indeed sound old and like it fit perfectly into this household in a way that Sirius never had.

“Mistress said that Master Sirius has escaped prison, but Kreacher did not think Master would come here. Master ran away for good, he said. Now here he is, making floors dirty and bringing unwanted visitors.”

Remus had never been to Sirius’ childhood home and therefore had no mental image of its layout. There were voices coming not just from Sirius and Harry but also the walls and floor. It was disorienting.

Sirius did not seem to notice Remus’ discomfort in his anger, but Harry did, and so Remus let himself be led by Harry.

Already, Remus thought that the decision to come here might well have been a big mistake.

Chapter Text

Remus and Harry naturally gravitated towards each other from then on. Remus wanted to make up for what he’d missed – he was responsible for Harry just like Sirius was and he couldn’t believe that he had missed just how badly Harry was doing. He’d just assumed that Harry would be fine now that he was away from his abusive family and hadn’t bothered to confirm whether that assumption was actually correct.

Additionally, though, there was also the fact that Sirius was decidedly unpleasant to be around.

He had been in a foul mood ever since Dumbledore told them – or ordered them, rather – to stay at the house, and it seemed to get worse with each passing day. He mostly just sat in the living room and drank every bottle of alcohol he found. The few occasions that Remus started a conversation, it was met with short and emotionless replies.

And so, Remus and Harry stayed by themselves for the most part. Remus did his best to familiarise himself with the house and to familiarise himself with Harry. Harry did not offer a lot of information about himself of his own volition, but slowly, piece by piece, Remus figured out what his life so far had been like.

“Do you want to help me garden?” Remus asked one day, and that’s how he found out that while Harry would help him with the weeding and plotting of plants, he very much did not enjoy it. He was too quiet, too efficient, and vanished to his room as soon as Remus decided they were done.

It was Remus’ offer to cook together that revealed a lot more information. It was a big kitchen and there were groceries, including fresh produce, in the pantry, which he assumed was thanks to Dumbledore. He was grateful not to have to worry about starving or living on canned food, but he hadn’t bought or stored the groceries like he’d gotten used to in his own home and then in Amsterdam. Therefore, he had no idea where anything was or even what they had, so he let Harry take the reins on this particular task.

Surprisingly, he almost didn’t need to help at all. Harry was confused by some aspects of a kitchen that at least partially ran on magic, but they figured it out together. Cooking put Harry in a much better mood than gardening had done, and so it was more of a time for them to talk.

Remus asked him about his experience with cooking, and Harry told him about the Dursleys expectations for him to cook for them. He was more hesitant to talk about what would happen if he didn’t fulfil those expectations, and so Remus decided to share from his own life.

“I don’t know what your experience living with your aunt and uncle was like exactly. As much as I want to try, I suspect I will never fully understand. But I do know what it’s like if you can’t trust the people you live with.” Remus told Harry the story of how his dad had been the reason for Remus’ lycanthropy by insulting a werewolf and never telling Remus about it. About the betrayal Remus had felt when he finally found out.

“How did you react?” Harry asked.

“I left and went to stay with your dad for a few days. It was almost the start of term anyway, so I just went on to Hogwarts from there. Luckily, his parents – your grandparents – were pretty great with that sort of thing. They took in Sirius full-time after all when he ran away from home.”

“So basically everyone had a rough home life except for my dad?”

Remus smiled sadly. “Basically, yes. But we also found a place to stay when we needed it. And I really hope that Sirius and I can provide at least a semblance of what James’ family provided for us. Even if it’s not as good of a home as you really deserve.”

“No, don't say that! I love living with you two, it’s fun and I like that it’s not just a normal, boring home. I’ve had that for long enough.”

Remus shook his head. “You haven’t, though, not really. You lived in an abusive household for years –” He could hear Harry take a breath, but continued before he could be interrupted by empty denials. “– and this summer with Sirius and me may have been an improvement, but we’re both going through difficult times, and you got caught up in that. You heard us fight and weren’t always the focus in the way you should have been. I have to learn to live with how my life has changed, learn to… take care of myself again. And Sirius needs to adjust to life out of Azkaban and heal from what so many years living among Dementors did to his brain.”

“You did your best, though. I know that.”

“Yes. We did.”

Two arms wrapped around Remus torso, and he squeezed back just as tightly. Harry slipped out of the embrace again after only a few seconds, but Remus hoped that it might not have been their last hug. Harry had not been one to initiate physical connection so far, but that might change yet.

“Do you think that Sirius drinks so much because of the Dementors?” Harry asked.

“I think so, yes.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I think it would help if you wrote to him from Hogwarts. Include him in your life even while you’re away.”

“Okay. Can I write to you too? Or do I have to send you howlers? Ron got one in first year, it was awful.”

Remus could easily imagine Molly Weasley’s temper lending itself to the somewhat questionable parenting technique of sending howlers. His main experience consisted of Sirius receiving them from his parents, so he couldn’t say he was a big fan of them.

“No, Sirius invented a spell that reads letters out to me. Remember how I used it on Dumbledore’s letter, earlier this summer?”

“Oh, right. That’s cool, can you teach me?”

“Sure.”

Remus ended up showing Harry the spell along with several others he’d found made life easier for him. He also showed Harry the adjusted Patronus spell, since that spell had brought them closer together in the first place and as such held a special place in his heart. Harry promised to practise all the spells once he was back at Hogwarts, and while with any other teenage boy, Remus would have assumed it was a blatant lie, in this case he was inclined to believe Harry.       

It was as if the weather gods had heard Remus’ mention of Hogwarts and adjusted their plans accordingly. It grew colder, the sun came out less frequently, the leaves started coating parts of the garden in a crunchy blanket. The day before Harry’s return to Hogwarts, he packed his trunk, and Remus used the opportunity to have a careful conversation with Sirius.

“Harry is going back to Hogwarts tomorrow,” he said.

“I know,” Sirius replied.

“I’m going to need your help getting to King’s Cross.”

“I’m aware.”

“I just thought… it would be good if you could… not drink tonight. I don’t want to be led by a drunk or majorly hungover Padfoot.”

“Merlin, Remus. You don’t talk to me for weeks, then this is the thing that gets you talking to me again?”

“I do talk to you! Or at least I talk to you about as much as you talk to me. It’s not like you’ve been putting a lot of effort into being pleasant to be around, you know.” Remus didn't want this conversation to turn into a fight, but he was not ready to back down. 

“I wonder why that might be, being imprisoned in this fucking horror show of a house.”

“I know it’s awful for you to be here, but I don’t think drinking bottle after bottle and staring at the wall helps make it any easier.”

“I’m drinking from a crystal glass like a gentleman, I’ll have you know.”

That, at least, felt like an attempt at diffusing the situation. Remus decided to go along with it. “Either way, can I trust that you’ll be okay to guide me tomorrow?”

“Yes. Fuck, yes, I promise I won’t lead you in front of a train. But only if you promise that once Harry is safely back at Hogwarts, we can leave this house once in a while or I will actually lose my mind. I swear my mother’s portrait screaming at me is worse than any Dementor could ever be.”

“Agreed.”

Remus held out his hand and they shook on it, then laughed at how formal it felt. Maybe they’d be okay.

Harry returned to Hogwarts after another hug for Remus and a cuddle with Padfoot. There wasn’t time for a drawn-out goodbye – they were late because they’d had to take a Muggle taxi due to magic being too risky with one child, one disabled person and one man on the run from the government – but it was still nice. Remus couldn’t help but think that this must be what it felt like for a parent to say goodbye to their child as they left for Hogwarts for the first time.

Remus and Sirius were on their way back home when Remus decided that actually, “We don’t need to go back there right now. Let’s go somewhere else and figure out where to go from here.”

Padfoot barked in agreement and started pulling him in a different direction. They walked for a while until the sound of their footsteps changed and Remus realised they must be in an alleyway. Sirius transformed back into his human form and nudged his arm against Remus’.

“Let’s go to your place, I miss your shitty sofa.”

“Okay, sure.”

They apparated home.