Work Text:
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.
Click. Snap.
Click. Snap.
Click--
"Wolfwood," Vash said, with the slightest edge to his voice. "I'm pretty sure a lighter is only meant to do that so many times."
Wolfwood met Vash's tense glare with one of his own, and belligerently closed the open lighter in his hand. Snap.
"F'you got a problem with my coping mechanisms then maybe you shouldn't have agreed to take this lousy job," he said, and flicked back the lid of the lighter again. Click.
"I took this job because you were bitching about not having any money, and even if you don't think it's enough, we are still being paid ...and if you don't put that thing away I'm going to shoot it out of your hand and it'll blow our position."
Snap. "At least that would be something interesting to do."
Vash sighed hard through his nose, and refocused his gaze through the sights of his gun, down the narrow canyon, to the little white thread of cotton twine that was the road, far below. "What time is it?"
Wolfwood squinted at the sun, checked the horizon, gauged the length of the shadow trailing from the toe of Vash's boot, and finally just pushed back his cuff to check his watch. "3:10."
Vash's frown deepened. "They're late."
"You think it means trouble?"
"I don't think it means anything good," Vash said, shoving up the glasses which were sliding down his sweaty nose.
Wolfwood sighed expansively.
"Nobody's making you stay up here, you know," Vash said, his eyes still on the pass below.
"This is all because you had to act like an idiot around that girl," Wolfwood said, snapping his lighter at Vash directly this time, for emphasis. It also kept him from explaining about other people and what they may or may not be making him do. "Money's got nothin' to do with it. You just can't help mindin' somebody else's business, and the prettier the face, the worse you are about it."
"Seems that way," Vash said, unmoved. Another minute crawled across the top of the bluff like a lame lizard with a heavy load of groceries and no bus stop within half a mile of its house. Finally, Vash lowered his eyes, let out his breath, and spared Wolfwood a glance over his shoulder. "Are you gonna ask me whatever question you wanna ask, or are you gonna sit there and keep staring holes in the back of my head, instead?"
Wolfwood sat up and fixed Vash with a perplexed gaze. "Why the hell do you do it, Tongari? I still can't figure it out."
"What it is it this time?" Vash said, popping a crick out of his neck before going back to his sniper position. "Take on dumb jobs you hate? Keep us from leaving town? Consume pastries like a competition sport? Have very strong opinions about pickles? Refuse to kill people?"
"It's the desperate horndog thing," Wolfwood said, with a grimace.
"Oh, that one," Vash said, blandly. He was, in that moment, as far from the comical lovestruck fool that had gotten them into this chore as it was possible to be. It made Wolfwood feel like he was taking crazy pills for several reasons, some of which he would prefer not to examine.
"It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you, honestly. I mean, if you actually wanted to attract someone I can tell you, you're not gonna get any--"
"Thanks," Vash said, before Wolfwood could extend his advice and services, and probably charge him for both. "Actually attracting someone is the last thing I want."
"Good thing, cos you're doing a hell of a bad--wait, what?"
Vash watched a beetle make its way down the muzzle of his gun, and gently nudged it into flight. "You ever walked up to a total stranger in a bar and out of the blue said, excuse me, but you look like a complete magnet for trouble, do you mind if I remain in your personal space for the next twelve to thirty-six hours until whatever is about to blow up in this town blows up so I can try to make sure it leaves as few corpses as possible?"
Wolfwood grunted something that was almost a laugh. "Sounds like a good way to get punched in the teeth."
"It's also a good way to let anybody who's about to start something know exactly where to aim. And," Vash admitted, "I get punched in the teeth a lot less with my current method. Generally it's just a good slap. That's worth the trouble."
"But haven't you got any pride for--"
"Nope," Vash said, easily. "Pride has never kept a single person alive, in my experience. But you know what has?" He flashed Wolfwood a troublesome grin. "Being a full-blown pain in the ass."
"Lord knows you're a natural," Wolfwood breathed.
"It makes people put their guard down," Vash continued, letting his gun rest in its braced position, and putting his chin on his hand. "If I'm annoying and goofy, it's easy to write me off. For the people I'm trying to protect and for anyone who wants to start trouble. When you're a wanted man with a wanted name and a hell of a price tag, everybody in town thinks it's their lucky night. I've got forty targets on my ass before I get within ten iles of a town."
"You want people to think you're a fake," Wolfwood said, beginning to understand.
"Ideally," Vash said, "I want them to think I'm a fool. And a horny, harmless fool is the one most easy for anyone to dismiss, regardless of who they are. And once I've done that, I'm just part of the scenery. People expect me to be around, because I'm too love struck or dumb to stay away, they expect me to get in the middle of things and make a mess. Which means whenever things start to go down, I'm usually already right where I need to be." He reached up a hand to wipe a trickle of sweat away before it could get into his eyes, and the rocky ground grumbled underneath him as he shifted his weight. "Of course, I don't need to tell you any of this. You've done it yourself."
Wolfwood looked as though Vash had just insulted him, his mother, his mother's cooking, and both of their tastes in music, all at once. "When have I ever--"
"This coat still stinks like tomato sauce," Vash said, in a dangerous voice.
"Hey, that lady was in trouble," Wolfwood said. "And you were a hundred percent on board wi...th... it." His accusing finger drooped, his mouth still open. "Oh my god. That was the thing. You were doing the thing at me."
"You started it," Vash reminded him.
"Yes but that night I--I mean we--" He made an emphatic gesture between the two of them.
"Ahahah," Vash's high color could not be entirely attributed to sunburn. "Um, yeah. But it made a nice change of pace? From being slapped, I mean."
"Oh my god I can't believe I fell for that," Wolfwood put his face in his hands. "I fell for your whole stupid deal."
"If it's any consolation, we were both drunk as skunks that night," Vash reminded him. "And you didn't fall for anything. You were just... playing along." Even under the double suns, his smile was dazzling. "You're the first person who's ever done that. It was a lot of fun. Even with the tomato sauce."
Wolfwood's lighter creaked under the sudden pressure of the hand holding it. "Tongari, just so you know, I--"
"Here they come," Vash hissed in sudden warning, flattening himself to the top of the rock and gripping his pistol with both hands. "Give them the signal!"
Wolfwood threw himself down in the dirt beside Vash, raising his arm, and the lighter in his hand caught the glare of both suns. It flashed above the butte like a falling star, easily visible to the occupants of the old pickup going hell for leather down the white and dusty road. Unfortunately, it was also visible from the vehicle roaring after them: a souped-up dune buggy crammed to the gills with bandits, who were in turn crammed to the gills with guns, which were crammed to the gills with bullets, some of which exploded very loudly into the rock above Wolfwood's head.
"Jesu--" Wolfwood said, yanking his hand back down to safety. "I hope they saw. Do you really think this is gonna work?"
"Too late to ask that now," Vash said, as several small, round objects were ejected from the back of the fleeing vehicle. At their range they were little more than beads falling off a bracelet. "Let's find out!"
He only fired once, and a split second later the road behind the pickup truck exploded into a river of fire as the truck's dust trail ignited. The pause was witness to Vash's skill, emphasizing the distance by the time it took for the roar of the explosion to reach them. Vash and Wolfwood curled up on the rock, hands over their heads, as pebbles and debris and curses rained down on them from the valley below. The pursuers, nicely singed all over, were trapped on the far side of the massive rockslide. The pickup truck with its nice family (including the young lady who had borne the brunt of Vash's attentions that week) was well on its way to the next town before the dust had settled.
"Well," Vash coughed, knocking gravel off his coat, "another happy ending." He pulled his glasses off his dusty face, leaving two perfectly round clean spots. "You were saying something?"
Wolfwood shook the premature gray out of his hair. "You know what?" he laughed, as the insulted ruffians in the valley screamed their unending revenge and murderous intentions, all without going a step closer to the kind of maniac who could do that much damage with one bullet. "...Nevermind." Wolfwood got to his feet, and reached down to pull Vash up after. "Come on, we can still make it to Yuma by sundown if we--"
"Oh my gosh, Yuma!" Vash's eyes sparkled. "I forgot! There's a saloon there called the Tipsy Turtle, and one of the barmaids is this black-haired beauty with these just--" Words apparently failing him, Vash made a lush gesture with his hands.
"Hey hey hey," Wolfwood said, through the cigarette he was finally able to light without giving away their position. "You're doing it again, and I am literally the only person here."
Vash put his glasses back on, and gave Wolfwood an utterly opaque smile. "I know," he said, both deadly and deadpan. "Who do you think is gonna be the barmaid I'm talking about?"
Wolfwood's entire expression fell off his face. "Now you wait just a goddamn minute--"
Vash skidded back down the rocks with remarkable speed, leaving Wolfwood to clamber noisily after him. "I'll explain on the way, but trust me it's for a good cause! Don't worry! I'm sure the church will approve!"
"The church is gonna approve your funeral you little--" Wolfwood surfed down a scree of loose stone on his ass in his hurry to scramble after Vash. "Tongari! You are not dressin' me up like a dame and making me wait tables in some backass bar for some harebrained scheme of yours. Do you hear me? You are not--"
"But you have such good bone structure~" Vash sang up from below him, and Wolfwood abandoned caution and ran after him.
"I DO AND IT'S GONNA BREAK YOURS."
"I loooooove you Niiiicooo!"
"TONGARI! Wolfwood roared in reply, but somehow he was still laughing the whole time.
~o~