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As a child, the question of why don’t I have a dad? has often run through Sol’s mind. She never said it out loud, of course, it felt rude to her mom. She had that much tact, even when she was young. But she had admitted it, once, to her classmate whose dad had dropped her off at school and Sol was able to see their sweet interaction.
It was raining, you see, and the umbrella that the father-daughter duo had was only big enough for one. He picked her up and carried her on his shoulders all the way until they got to the classroom the drops that had collected on his umbrella had dripped downwards, pooling along the corridor and following him as muddy shoeprints as he exited the elementary school. The girl had hugged him goodbye before taking her seat next to a child who had never known the love of a father.
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. That was the sound of the rain hitting the asphalt outside, and the sound now as it taps on their small classroom window. Its futile nature is brittle - tiny water molecules that had bonded to other water molecules until they became a single collective - a raindrop. What was formed from the sky hits the cold and unforgiving sidewalk that man has made and breaks into a thousand little pieces once more, until it finds other water molecules again and forms a puddle, where they kiss the dirty soles of men, women, and children and with them the secrets they carry until the sun rises and dries them up.
Ju-ruk. And yet, it remained pure, unbroken as it hits the soft fabric of the umbrella of a man who valued his daughter’s education as the raindrop glides over the edge - hanging there in suspense as if to ask, will you let me fall?
Until it does. And the trance has broken just as the school bell rings, signaling the students to calm down and take their assigned seats.
“I don’t have a dad.” Sol blurts out to the girl, Jieun. “Yours is nice.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“But.. but my dad said everyone has one.”
“I think he lives somewhere else.” Sol shrugs.
“Maybe he doesn’t love you. Dad says if you love someone, you live with them forever and ever.”
Okay. Ouch. “I wouldn’t know, I never met him.”
“Maybe he didn’t love your mom?”
“But my mom says babies are only made when a mom and a dad love each other so much. That’s why me and Dan are twins - because he loved her twice as hard.” Sol defends, her cheeks puffing out harshly as the blowing wind of the air conditioning had turned it pinkish.
“Then how come you don’t have a dad that lives with you?”
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. The girl had a point.
Sol asked her mom about it that day. “Did he love us? If he does, then why isn’t he here? Why don’t we know his name?”
Her mom sighs as she and her daughter sat cross-legged on the floor, combing through Sol’s hair and braiding it in neat plaits. “Love is not always enough. Remember that. Life doesn’t work that way, not for people like us. Love isn’t just feelings, Sol, it is a continuous choice you make. That’s why it doesn’t really last for a long time. Feelings can fade into oblivion, and love is influenced by many things - secrets, responsibilities, duties - all those can get in the way of love. How can you thrive if you cannot survive? Besides, I couldn’t afford to find him and talk to him again, so we just went our separate ways.”
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. The raindrops were a constant ju-ruk against the half-basement’s windowsill.
Love wasn’t enough. It. Is. Not. Enough. “But maybe… One day, when you and Dan grow older, our family will rise enough that it won’t be the same case for you.”
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk.
“Eomma, do you really believe that time will come?”
“With how smart Dan is? I have hopes for my daughters.”
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. The rain was louder now, tapping furiously on the glass and begging to be noticed by the young girl who looked only down at her palms - why had she expected a different response, anyway? There was always going to be some part of that conversation that was going to be right. “How will we know?”
“If you have done everything you can to make it last, and you both agree to never turn your backs on each other and stick to it… Yes, I think that’s it.”
One day… will it be enough?
–
Kang Sol A liked routine, even if it didn’t reflect in her personal life or her study desk. There is peace in routine. Being the only part-timer in the university’s favored copy room, she had settled into her role quite quickly. Letter-sized papers in the first drawer, legal-sized in the second, A4 in the third. Special requests should be submitted and logged at least five working days before. Refills in the cabinets above and placed into their organizers. Customer logbook by the machine itself! Take their ID numbers, too. Just to have a bit of leverage against their unpaid debts. A perk of having both Professors Kim and Yang on your side.
And yet, it seems, that same peace was threatened by a man about half a head taller than her, his bangs covering his forehead just like hers, with a current standing of Top 1 of Hankuk Law School’s Class of 2020. It wasn’t that his presence was a distraction (well…) but rather, how she had woken up one fine Monday morning to find the copy room door unlocked and literally everything in a different place.
“Good morning, Sol. How’s Byeol and your mom?” Said distraction asks.
“... Hey, Han Joonhwi, what is this? And they’re fine. Byeol told me to tell you ‘hi’.” Sol answers, setting her coffee down on the table and crossing her arms in front of her chest.
The second-round judicial passer sat cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by piles of new organizers and supplies scattered about. (The new organizers were the ones she had begged Gollum to upgrade to, by the way, but were always met on deaf ears.)
“Well,” Joonhwi clears his throat, the hood of his jacket pulled over his head with the sleeves rolled up slightly. Did he go to the gym? Sol could swear he looked more toned than last week-
“I asked Gollum if I could work here last Saturday after I dropped you off at your mom’s, and he told me, and I quote: ‘Perfect. Then you could fix up these new organizers that your friend’s been bugging me for.’ Then I thought, why not fix the whole place since I’m assembling and disassembling everything anyway? Hence, my weekend project.”
“Okay.” Sol acknowledges, drawing out the ‘o’. “But the system before works.”
Joonhwi scrunches his nose. “I’ve made improvements.”
“Oh really? Well, I fixed it up last time so pray tell - what makes yours any better?”
“For starters, now you have a flow.” He stands abruptly, beckoning Sol to follow him into the supply room. “You enter the room and turn on the light switch on the left. The body naturally rotates to the left, ergo, the left cabinet houses the most-used papers - letter size, of course - the others are in the bottom drawers. Pick your papers, turn to the right, get any supplies or what have you in the right cabinets, then full turn to- ah! The copy machine. After that, you can just turn again and exit.” He grins widely at his hard work. “See? A flow. And a system that works so easily, even Byeol could understand it.”
Sol could only begrudgingly huff in response. “Fair point.”
The bell above the entrance sings, snapping their attention to their curly-haired boss. “Han Joonhwi, didn’t you say you’d have this all done by the time we open today? I’m not paying you to stand in a dark corner with my best part-timer.”
“You haven’t paid me at all.” Joonhwi protests only to be met with Sol’s wide grin.
“I’m the best part-timer~” Sol sings, puffing her chest out which makes Joonhwi chuckle.
“Only because you got a one-year head start.”
Sol claps him on the back and gestures to the pile of unsorted clips, staplers, glue sticks, and pins. “You heard the boss. Get this done before opening and you are very lucky to be graced by the copy room’s most efficient-”
“That’s not what he said.”
“- and prettiest part-timer to help you with this stuff.”
That, he did not refute.
It was ten minutes right before opening the copy room that they sat in their usual spot in the hideout, eating homemade kimbap together and munching on snacks they got from the convenience store as breakfast that Sol finally addressed the elephant in the room.
“Why did you pick up a job here at Gollum’s? Aren’t you loaded?”
“I disowned my inheritance, remember?” A year ago, that statement would be met with the aspiring prosecutor’s glass-eyed look. Now, he only cocks his eyebrow in response. “Contrary to what Jiho says, I can’t live off of instant ramyeon.”
“Right, you need to be able to buy rice to go with it.”
“Exactly.” He smirks before taking a mouthful of kimbap, though a smile was apparent in his eyes. “You get it.”
She tries to ignore that awful screeching in her head telling her that she had only ever seen that side of him when it was just them, alone. The other, deeper, more rational voice coaxes her back that of course he’d be like that, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t like that to anyone else when they were alone.
Sol shakes her head. Shut. Up.
A month into Joonhwi’s part-timer gig, Sol noticed a pattern forming. To no one’s surprise, word had spread that the second-round judicial passer was working part-time, and suddenly everyone wanted to avail of the copy room’s services. This includes hordes of freshmen who tried to pry some tips out of him only to walk out disappointed when he was unresponsive to their hints and nudges. However, they still maintained some regulars, including a wide-eyed freshman girl who apparently was Min Bokgi’s junior at university.
She came in to get some of her Criminal Law notes scanned, as per usual. Sol tries to ignore how she purposely lined up on Joonhwi’s queue even when Sol was available. Just as he was about to hand over her copies, he then notices a crumpled-up note she’s been keeping tightly in her fist. “Do you have any coins? I don’t have anything to break your bills-”
“This- it isn’t my payment.” The girl flushed bright red. “It’s my number.”
“I don’t tutor anyone, sorry.”
“For non-academic purposes.”
It took five seconds for it to click in Joonhwi’s head. “Oh.”
Sol didn’t know how Joonhwi was going to react. Flustered? Shy? Defensive? Or is that simply how she wanted him to be? Nonetheless, she didn’t expect him to just shrug and take the girl’s number (whose friends were waiting for her outside, their high-school-like shrieks piercing through the glass wall) and place it on the counter in front of him.
Once the freshmen were out of earshot, she slid up to him, nudging his hip slightly with hers. “So, are you gonna call her?”
“Dunno. Should I?”
“Why are you asking me?” Her response came out meaner than she intended, her tone sharper than usual. “I mean, it’s your decision. I can’t tell you whether or not you should go out with someone.” She coughs into her sleeve.
At least he had the audacity to look ashamed at that, the tip of his ears turning pink. “I don’t know how to answer that.” Joonhwi takes the piece of paper and strides toward the shredder, where it mutilates the ripped note into white ribbons.
Joonhwi seems to take in Sol’s stunned reaction, and was equally surprised as she was.
He only raises his eyebrow at her as he shows her his poker face. “Back to work, oh best and prettiest part-timer.”
“Right. Work.”
She accidentally produced twice as many copies of her notes for the study group that day.
–
The preparation for this year’s mock competition was fueled with coffee (for Sol A, after relentless reminders from Seungjae to take care of her health and warning the rest of the group to keep anything pen-like away from her when she was feeling sleepy), tea (for Sol B, who was advised to take it by the family doctor as it was gentler on the stomach), energy drinks (for Joonhwi, mostly because they were always on sale and he never really liked coffee nor tea), snacks (as supplied by Professor Kang Juman as a show of support for his daughter and the team), and a whole lot of determination, grit, and turning basically the whole library inside out for case references.
In the hideout, Jiho (with a mock competition win under his belt already) had graciously agreed to help his roommate and the two Kang Sols prepare for their trial. It wasn’t as if they actually needed his help, Joonhwi was just glad Jiho was opening up a bit more (though he suspected it was to pull Sol B aside to discuss the matters of his trial versus Prosecutor Jin whenever he wanted to).
“You look homeless.” His roommate quipped.
Joonhwi rolled his eyes playfully, seeming to like taking the piss out of the younger man. “Aren’t you aware this is what they call a ‘rugged look’? I heard women prefer it these days.” Joonhwi was smart enough to afford to take breaks and joke around like that. Especially when it involves his friends.
“I highly doubt that.” Jiho cringes at his four o’clock shadow. “Take a break for five minutes and get that off your face. You’re not attracting anyone or anything until that raccoon you call a beard is off your face.”
“Excu-”
“Jiho’s right,” Sol interjects without looking up from her laptop. “You should listen to him.”
Joonhwi stands up and raises his hands in defeat, excusing himself from the room as Jiho roars out a passing “I’ve got an extra razor under the sink you can use!”
Sol B shoots Sol A a knowing look in her direction before returning to her reading, which the older girl promptly notices. “What?”
“Probably nothing.”
“... You realize I’ll bug you about this until you tell me, mock competition be damned.”
“When we win, I’ll tell you.”
“Aha! A ‘when’, not an ‘if’. Now that's the spirit!”
“Of course we’ll win. I’m on the team.” Somehow, Sol B’s deadpan delivery makes it extra hilarious.
Joonhwi enters again, now clean shaven as he pulls back a chair to sit beside Sol A. “Look okay?”
“Your fangirls and fanboys would be able to recognize you now,” she teases. “You better hope you didn’t shave away bad luck because I need all the good that I can get.”
Right after the announcement of the winners, as the moderators handed the trio their medals, Sol B quickly whispered in Sol A’s ear - “back in the hideout, did you notice how Joonhwi only listened to you? Even Yeseul and Bokgi have tried to make him shave, but one word from you and he took it off immediately” before turning around and putting on a small smile for the cameras, leaving Sol A confused until the flash of the photographers’ cameras distracted her from her roommate’s comments.
–
“We should get together and celebrate! We freakin’ won!” Sol A squeals, spinning in the heels Yeseul lent to her and thereby swinging the bouquet she received - petals flying around the hallway.
“No thanks.” Sol B answers, clipped. Though her eyes never left Han Joonhwi’s, who was looking straight at Sol A. “I think… I have a family appointment. You two should go and enjoy. Invite the others if you like.” Then she turns around and walks away in a cool, dramatic fashion while pulling out her phone because it’s how Kang Sol B is. Though Joonhwi would swear later on that he caught her texting Jiho to ‘decline their invitation…’
Oddly enough, the rest of the group kindly told Sol A they wouldn’t be able to come with a myriad of excuses - leading to a pouting brown-haired law student picking out what to get with their celebratory alcohol. “Their loss. This is nice.”
They sat across one another, both deciding to grab a bite in a restaurant that overlooked the Han River before loading up on their favorite drinks and then sitting waterside as they would let the intoxication subside.
As they waited for their order to arrive, Joonhwi noticed a girl from the table near theirs who kept sneaking glances at them.
“Hey, Sol, the girl on the table at your 8 o’clock keeps looking at us. But don’t be obvi-”
Too late. Sol immediately whipped her head in the direction he pointed to and even raised her chin slightly to look for the person her good friend directed her attention to.
Joonhwi facepalms. “Do you have to be so obvious?”
“Hey, if I were a meerkat, you wouldn’t find it weird.”
“And yet, you’re a human.”
The girl who kept looking at them finally got up from her table and headed towards them, lightly tapping Sol on the shoulder.
“Hi, I’m really sorry to bother you but you look a lot like my friend when I was in elementary school. Are you Kang Sol?”
“Guilty as charged.” She smiles politely, trying to figure out who was talking to her because her face wasn’t ringing any bells.
“Oh my God! You probably don’t recognize me. It’s me, Jieun!” She practically squealed pep.
“A-ah!” Sol snaps her fingers. “Chae Jieun! Of course! Hi! It’s been so long!”
Rising from her seat, the two shared a quick hug before Sol introduced Jieun to Joonhwi, and Jieun’s companions to the Hankuk Law students.
“How are you? It’s been ages! How’s your sister? I’m sorry we lost touch, tell Dan I said hi too. How’s your mom? I think my mom and your mom saw each other the other day because she mentioned it the last time I visited her. Oh! The letter we sent to your dad. Did he ever reply? What did he say? Have you met?”
Sol could see Joonhwi staring at her quizzically. Dad?
“Er, no. It got sent back, actually. Said the address didn’t exist.”
“Oh… Oh, Sol, I’m so sorry.” Jieun truly did look apologetic, after all, they had only just reunited.
“It’s fine. It’s been more than fifteen years. I’m okay. Just busy because of law school.” Sol smiles proudly. “What about you?”
“I’m doing great. I got a job at the company I interned for. Oh! We’re on our way to a house party from a friend of mine back in university. Do you want to join us?” Jieun’s group smiles at the two.
“Oh no, please, it’s okay. We’d hate to intrude. Joonhwi and I were just-”
“We have different plans,” Joonhwi responds, quickly declining the invitation with a shake of his head.
Jieun checks her watch, eyes widening. “Oh my gosh, we’re going to be so late! I’ll catch up with you next time, maybe?”
“Of course. See you next time.” The two share a chaste hug before waving goodbye, leading Sol to plop back down in her seat with a heavy sigh. Her eyebrows furrow and her fingers do that thing where they rub each other furiously when she’s anxious.
“And here I thought you were chatty enough as it is. She could give you a run for your money.” Joonhwi tries to lighten the mood, casually grabbing one of her hands across the table.
He touched her hand.
Here. In this restaurant. Where they looked like a freaking couple.
It was the first time he had ever done that. They’ve brushed up against each other, sure. But to do this, to be mindful and conscious and cautious about it, that had never happened.
Sol had thought about it. On some days, she’d catch herself guessing how her hand would fit in his. If it was smooth like he’d never done a day’s work (he did grow up rich). If his palms were rough. If he got clammy underneath all those sweaters and coats and jackets. If it was cold like she thought he was when they met or warm like she had known him now.
He held her hand gingerly as if she was fragile, rare china. Even more than that: as if she was a precious raindrop. His cheeks were flushed pink - though probably because he still wore that stupid coat when they were already indoors, then again he is quite sensitive to the cold - and his hands were cold, but to Sol, it radiated warmth. Comfort.
“Breathe, Sol.”
She didn’t even notice she was holding her breath.
“I-I know you probably have questions.”
“You don’t need to tell me.”
“I think I kinda have to.”
He pats the back of her hand, lingering over an old pen stab wound. She recalls catching him staring at it in the hospital, or that could have been her imagination. Or wishful thinking. His calloused finger lightly grazes over it, a pattern, it seems. He traces circles over it, in the way Sol herself had often done when she consoled others. “Take your time.” Have you been wanting to do that, Joonhwi? Or is that just my head again?
She gulps. “Jieun came over to our house one day for a playdate. Both our moms were out working at that time. We were just looking around the bedrooms and we found an old note tucked away in between Mom’s keepsakes, which had some address in America scribbled on it. We had no relatives there and we tried looking it up, just some suburban neighborhood. So I thought…”
“It might be your dad.” He continues her sentence for her.
“Yeah. Saved up about three weeks’ allowance for the postal stamp and the mailing fee and it got sent back. Told Dan about it and we burned the letter, but I didn’t get rid of the original note with the address on it so Mom wouldn’t suspect that I knew anything. A shame, really. I spent so many days just staring at a piece of paper, a fake address is still permanently ingrained in my head instead of criminal codes and all that. To this day, I still don’t know if it really was even him.”
Just then the food arrived, and Sol quickly banned Joonhwi from talking about the subject for the rest of the evening. “If you wanna talk about it, take a shot instead.” She orders.
The Han River boasted a moment of calm and serenity in the midst of a busy and bustling city like Seoul, and it delivered that night. It was a full moon, and Sol and Joonhwi bathed in its glow as they made the city lights’ reflection on the clear, dark waters a guiding light. The Han River was also a notorious date spot, and it seems that it was only then that Sol realized what she and Joonhwi must have looked like to outsiders before she waved a hand and held it up. “High-five if you’re a winner!”
He smiles as he hits her palm with his in mid-air, cheeks flushed pink once again - only this time Sol was sure that it was because of the alcohol. They really didn’t drink that much, both have seen each other drink more than that. It is just your run-of-the-mill, early Friday night somaek buzz. “How are we going to get home? I might not be able to drive.”
“I thought the others would come along and one of them would stay sober.” Sol sheepishly admits. “Maybe we can just crack a window open? Sleep in the car, maybe. I call dibs on the backseat.”
“Good plan, my good woman.” He nods. Sol quite finds this side of him endearing. Against the backdrop of law school, and even in a friendship such as theirs, it was rare to just goof off and be silly as grown adults.
Then Han Joonhwi did something strange. Scratch that - it was something she thought he would never do.
Stepping to the side and immediately spinning around so that they faced each other, his arm circled her waist, enveloping her in his black coat sleeves that radiated his cologne. His head hung low, planting his chin on her shoulder.
“I wanted to do this before either of us could get drunk enough to forget that this ever happened, or deny it.” His breaths were slow, but his heart beat faster than when he’d ever gone running. Not that Sol had fantasized about that moment or whatever. He buried his face in her hair and hugged her tighter, making her heart tread dreadfully close to the skipping of his. “Thank you, Sol.”
She was sure he felt her body tense.
“F-for what?”
“For being here. With me.”
“You idiot, that’s what-” Friends. She was supposed to say ‘That’s what friends are for’. But it’s not very much that she liked just being a friend. “- I’m here for.”
“I’m sorry,” Joonhwi whispers more so into the wind than in her ear, but Sol hears it all the same.
“For what?” She asks again but with none of the hesitation nor reservation she held the first time. She felt her bones finally relax and she melted into him - whether she had wanted to or not.
His voice is a rough murmur. His arms were still blocking her escape - not that she wanted to nor had any intention to, anyway. “If I was closer, I could’ve protected you. From Ko Hyeongsu, from Prosecutor Jin, from Ko Yeongchang, from-”
She quickly interrupts him from spiraling. “But you did. It’s okay, Joonhwi. Everything worked out well in the end. I don’t-” I don’t need protecting. “I don’t want you to think like that.” Closer? What does that even mean?
A silence envelops the two that were in their own little bubble, and for the first time, Sol realizes she could afford to think about him in the way that had only popped up in her mind in bits and pieces randomly throughout the day. Here, they had all the time in the world. The copy room was closed for the weekend, her mom and sisters weren’t waiting for her to come home, and prior to the competition, the study group had finished their deliverables.
Here she was, given this ultimate reward by the universe of time that she had never afforded before. All her good karma must’ve been used for this moment.
The water beside them was still, fallen leaves from neighboring trees mindlessly floating the course of the river. Calm, serene, peaceful as lights bounced off of its liquid nature excitedly.
Joonhwi breaks the silence first. “I know you're worried, but you will never end up like your dad. I could bet on anything in the world, and I know I'd win that one.”
“What's this burst of confidence in me all of a sudden?”
“Because you see not just the good, but the truth in people. You stay by their side until you know you have to let go.”
“And if I end up like my mom? Single and overwhelmed with kids that have no fathers?”
“She’s a wonderful woman, and you of all people will always be surrounded by the people who love and care for you. You can bet on that, and you can bet on me. And for the record, I've always believed in you. What I said before was true and it still is: I’ll continue to root for you.”
She knew already, deep down, that all his fangirls made perfect sense. Top of the class, attractive, tall, and kind in his own way. Who couldn’t fall for him? Who couldn’t love this man who had every reason to be broken, who could’ve easily hurt others, and yet he had somehow picked himself up? Who did none of the harmful things everyone had expected him to do after everything he went through?
Sol whispers this time. “And I’ll still do the same.”
But… would her love for him be enough to stay by his side as a friend?
Sol closes her eyes, sinking deeper into Joonhwi’s embrace, her heartbeat now at a quick matching pace with his. It has to. A teardrop forms on the inner corner of her eye, and she bats it away before it could ever streak down her cheek.
The next morning, neither of them forgot the events that happened last night - which led to the first day of equally mutual blushed cheeks, stolen glances, and shy stares.
The first of many, so it seems.
–
“Sol, catch.”
“What’s this?”
“An apple, obviously.”
“I can see. I meant, who’s this for?”
“You, obviously.” Joonhwi shrugs. “It’s buy one take one, and you know I can’t resist a deal.”
He’s been expressing concerns that she seems to think that iced coffee counted as a meal as she barely had enough time to sit and eat as if a recently-graduated lawyer in a small firm can afford that. She pretends she doesn’t know that this wasn’t some part of his plan to get her to have lunch every day (with ‘real food’) as she takes a bite out of the red fruit.
“This one’s sweet.” Sol praises as Joonhwi and puts a hand on his chest in a mocking fashion.
“I’m glad you think I’m a sweet boyfriend.”
“I’ve got the sweetest one there is.” She teases right back. “Thank you for getting me jjajangmyeon earlier. You really didn’t have to. I still have a bunch of paperwork to look at.”
Joonhwi frowns. “And that’s why I have to. If I didn’t, you’d be at your desk from the moment you walk in until everyone in the office has left. Even then, you bring your work home. You still have to establish boundaries-”
The third person in the room clears his throat awkwardly. “You know, Prosecutor Han, when I said you could come in here on unofficial business, I’d rather you two keep this sort of conversation between yourselves.”
Sol knew Joonhwi wouldn’t let him go for that comment. “Sorry, Attorney Park. Just leaving some lunch for Sol to eat. Or is that something you frown upon in this firm? Might I remind you that by law, which you were supposed to have studied extensively, all employees are mandated to have lunch breaks and to make sure that they utilize them? Also, I could barely classify a room with a single table and three chairs and a mini-fridge as a ‘break room’-”
“Alright, alright.” Park Geuntae grimaces. “Kang Sol, as your boss, you better eat your lunch regularly, alright? We might fall out of favor with a certain prosecutor.”
“You might. Not me though.” Sol still finds it in her to smirk. “Duly noted, boss. I’ll try, that’s for sure.”
The older lawyer shoots Joonhwi a look as if to say, see what I have to put up with? before straightening his tie and walking out of the break room.
The couple chuckles as Joonhwi stands up from his seat, planting a kiss on her forehead as she leans against his hips. “I better go,” he murmurs into the top of her head. “Only ten minutes until my boss starts looking for me.”
“But I’ll miss you.” Sol pouts, “I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you awake later.”
“Are you canceling date night?” He laughs, though a hint of nervousness eased in his voice.
“Joonhwi…” Sol lets out a breath. “You know I wouldn’t if I could. But I’m still paying off my car and Byeol’s art classes and our rent and student loans, and to pay those off, I need to be damn good at my job. I can’t...” I can’t afford to do that yet. “How about tomorrow night instead?”
Joonhwi presses another kiss on her forehead before finally bidding her goodbye. “Alright, one thing at a time, then. See you at home.”
Love is secondary. Kang Sol knew that. Survival will always come first: her mother had never been able to track down her father, who was (to her knowledge) living a comfortable life in the States, because she did not have enough money to take care of her daughters and find him. She even married that crook because he lied to her about his wealth and caused them to go even deeper into debt with his horrid gambling habits (and outcomes).
It is secondary to Dan because she was working four times as hard as anyone else in her Ivy League university because she was not just a woman, but an Asian. One who wasn’t raised with any knowledge of the culture and customs of the Americans but was forced to stay there alone for several years because of some political motive.
And it is secondary to Sol, no matter how much it would hurt Joonhwi if she admitted it. She did not have the luxury of time or finances to divulge her fantasies. It is even more apparent now, that her mother may have been wrong - she may have been a lawyer now, but it seems like she did not get to change her fate.
She and Joonhwi sat on his couch, with her legs propped up on his lap as they both scroll through their respective phones (mind you, it is 2 AM) until he clears his throat. “We need to talk.”
“Oh, serious Han Joonhwi I see. Sure. What about?”
“I feel like you’ll flip out if I do say it.”
“Well you initiated this, so…”
Joonhwi’s voice was uncharacteristically small. “Please don’t be mad.”
“No promises, but I will try. I’ve got pretty thick skin.”
“Alright,” he sighs, “I just feel that maybe… You’ve been treating our home like it’s a hotel. You wake up early and get in late. When you are home, you spend most of the time in the study.”
“I, I see,” Sol breathes out, “I’m sorry, it’s just been a lot going on lately. I have two trials next week and we recently took in a group of laid-off employees to protest the unlawful processes regarding how they were sacked and-”
“I know that. But I have stuff going on too. I have my own work, my own career. I was wondering, if neither of us can keep this up, then why can’t we just, oh I don’t know, outsource some of the work? Hire someone to clean. I’ll take care of the cooking like I always do.”
“You want to let a stranger into our house?” Sol crosses her arms. She was oddly conservative at the suggestion though something tugged her about his last sentence, implying that he was doing most of the heavy lifting. “No, no.”
“It’s just to clean up. Besides, a lot of people do it these days. It will only be for half a day at most.”
“And if they manage to see files from work? If it leaks? Or-or they’ve got sticky fingers. Besides, Byeol comes over here often. You gave her a key. What if she and that stranger will be left alone here? No, that won’t do. I am perfectly capable of taking care of the house I live in. Can’t you trust me to do my part as your partner, as an equal?”
“You weren’t supposed to bring work home in the first place,” Joonhwi mutters under his breath. “You won’t even eat! If I can’t trust you to take care of yourself, how can I trust you to take care of our family if something happens? How can you be relied on by our families and our friends if you can’t take care of yourself?”
Sol’s jaw tightens. By the way his voice shook, she could tell he’d been stewing on this for quite some time. “You act like I’m some damsel in distress until you come along. Didn’t it occur to you that I’ve been fine even before I met you? I’ve been hurt and I lived. I never needed your saving or your protection because I survived all of that without anyone’s help. You don’t trust me at all, is that it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But you thought it.”
The silence he gave was deafening, steadying Sol with the resolve that she was correct. “If you want to leave me, leave this, then fine. I will be. I’m going. I don’t - I don’t need this.”
Whatever ‘this’ was, she didn’t know either. She knew she practically sprinted to the door just to get away.
“Sol-!”
She didn’t hear him anymore. She couldn’t listen to him. Her feet had taken her running towards the door- out into the neighborhood street in the pouring rain. It had drowned out Joonhwi’s voice calling for her but wasn’t enough to drown out the voices in her head.
Ju-ruk.
She didn’t even notice it was raining outside.
She had only trudged a few steps away - and then, she saw him. She sees his shadow chasing her as he switches the outdoor lamp by his door on, filling the front gate with a golden glow as rain flickered through.
Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk.
Joonhwi walks towards her silently, and Sol can only think of one thing as she stays in her place.
Ju-ruk.
This will be our goodbye.
Ju-ruk.
What else could it be? He didn’t even bring an umbrella. He had let the drops pitter-patter off his hair, his clothes, his shoes, until he was soaking and shivering like she was in the autumn rain. Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. Ju-
“Sol!”
He was an arm’s reach away from her now, catching his breath as a fog puffs from his exhales. “Sol, wait!”
Ju-ruk. Stop.
He rounds the corner to block her from walking any further. “Listen, I- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you think that I think you’re weak because I don’t. You- you saved me, how could you be anything but one of the strongest women I know?
Joonhwi holds her hand like he did the first time, right by the water. Circle. Ju-ruk. Circle. Ju-ruk. Ju-ruk. As if she was precious.
“Joonhwi…”
“Kang Sol, I will never, ever, leave you alone. You got that? I will love you even if I hate you. I love you so much that I like you. You drive me crazy to the point that I think I’m insane, you’re the only one who ever got a rise out of me when I didn’t even know your name yet. You’re mad stubborn, and your nose does that cute scrunchy thing when you get annoyed. You are passionate and you don’t know how to quit, and I - I like being the only one who can draw you out from that trance sometimes. I love- I love you. So… if you still want this, if you still want me, well… We’ll find a way to make this work. I promise.”
‘Love is not always enough. Love isn’t just feelings, Sol, it is a continuous choice you make. That’s why it doesn’t really last for a long time.’
And her mother was right. She went through hell to ignore that she was, until eventually succumbing to the truth of that fact and instead shifted her focus on her survival. What she didn’t take into account was Han Joonhwi. How he had effortlessly moved in like a rainstorm in her life and disrupted her peace, how he had her wishing that her mother was wrong. She had selfishly craved for every inch of him, everything he had to offer and wanted it for herself which he was only glad to give - making her question the lesson she was instilled with. It never occurred to Sol that her love for Joonhwi and the love that her mother warned her against could coexist: that she could love him just as much as he did, and even thrive because of it. She had earned to feel that way more than enough times. To be able to more than survive. But she will always have to be careful.
A raindrop that was so minuscule and pieced together in the first place did not mean it was weak - it held together until it could, breaking only when it had to. Even when it breaks, it perseveres to survive and hold on until cruelty dissolves it. But it was gentle. It is strong. It can be cared for - and when it is, helps bloom the most beautiful flowers, bring relief to drought, and save you at your worst. But too much, and it can flood you until it fully consumes you, being so overwhelmed that you constantly find yourself struggling to find air, to breathe. There is a delicate balance Sol and Joonhwi can find in the rain, one that they will have to figure out for themselves.
So she seals in her answer with an embrace, his chin propping up against the top of her head as her teardrops were masked by the raindrops. They had stood there, just like that, for about a minute before Sol shivered and Joonhwi ushered them home.
Maybe… just maybe, love might be enough this time.