Chapter Text
the random flowers he left at the door,
the love notes stuck in the locker
the cuts on his arms
the tears on his guitar
cal didn't know why he kept trying
he knew that nobody loved him
like he loved them.
it was never right to think of
another boy the way cal
thought about andre, but
he was used to it.
the name calling
the slurs
the blood
the bruises
and the cuts are getting deeper.
his parents never questioned
why his arms were
always hidden or always
covered with bandaids.
his peers never questioned why
he was so violent
towards himself and others.
nobody ever questioned
or cared, so he stopped
questioning and caring too.
he was a disgusting
sinner faggot
that needed to die
for everything he stood for.
why wasn't he like andre?
meeting girls and
getting along with them without
feeling awkward and disgusted
and perhaps even liking them
strong willed but with a good heart,
a smart mind
someone who will go places
and somebody who was gonna
grow up to be successful
unlike him
never getting along with any girls
besides rachel.
giving up when criticized slightly
and absolutely no chance in life.
it was such a pussy move
for him to think about killing himself
before he got a girlfriend
maybe he should date rachel
before he even thinks about death
because he loves her
and her
uh
beautiful uh
brown eyes and thinking process
how methodical her speaking is
he doesn't know
he was thinking of andre
he can't find anything to like about her
but he can find so much for andre
he was sick of himself
and the way his nasty faggot brain worked.
he was sick of andre
and his pretty eyes
pretty freckles
perfect mind
perfect thoughts
perfect voice
perfect smile
he didn't even wanna finish that
it made him sick
to think about anything
like that and actually say something about it
it was acting out
and something to get hit for
to be hit
is something to actually cry about
instead of bitchy
unrequited love
and the rotting flowers
andre ignored
and the unopened letters that he didn't even read.
he was so tired of
being the person he is.
he was just so tired.