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A heavy sigh left Leonardo as he scrolled past a post about, how the near invasion and destruction of New York was fake. It had only been one month since that thing happened and the conspirators and deniers were already going strong. Leo wasn’t even surprised. They had already started on the day it happened. Sometimes he would read through the comments, just to read all the juicy discord, but right now he needed funny, light content. Something to fill the silence.
He glanced at the time in the corner of the screen and then made a face. The time read three forty-five am, Leonardo had now officially been awake for three days. He could feel his eyes dry out faster, wanting to close, to rest, but he stubbornly kept opening them.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to sleep, it’s just that every time he closed his eyes, he got transported back to the… back to that place. The only way he got any sleep now was if it was either medically induced or his body just couldn’t stay awake any longer. His current record was one and a half week. And when he finally did catch some z’s, he had nightmares about the kra… about the kra… about that thing either tearing him or his family apart. Soooo, save to say he was terrified of falling asleep. He shook his head to hopefully get those thoughts out of his head and kept scrolling to hopefully find something to distract himself with.
Leo shifted a little where he sat to try and get a better position against the mountain of pillows he was sat up against. A dull pain shot through his spine, but mellowed out as he relaxed again. It would be better for his carapace if he laid on his stomach, but his ribs were only just done healing, so they were going to wait two or three days more before turning him on his stomach. So, until then he was sat against the lair’s softest pillows. It was very comfortable, and he loved chilling, but honestly, he couldn't wait to be able to walk around again, to not be stuck when the space around him became too vacant, but he wouldn't be allowed to do anything strenuous until at least another two weeks or so had passed.
It's just to be sure his spine wouldn’t take any unnecessary damage from holding up his upper body without support. He had thought of doing it anyway, but he would probably get a very stern talking to from Raph and Mikey while Donnie would most likely just tie him to the bed to be sure he didn’t attempt it again until they were two hundred percent sure he was fine. Leo smiled at that thought.
He’d finally found a video that looked interesting, he pressed to play and groaned when a silent un-skippable add started playing. Well, it was something to help with the loneliness. Night was an annoyingly long part of the earth's rotation. Out in his peripheral he saw something shine red in one of the darker corners of the room.
He was floating amongst the wreckage of former krang spaceships that filled the otherwise void that was the prison dimension. The Krang was coming towards him at an incredible speed, a sinister smile quickly became visible on its slimy face. He couldn’t take another hit from that thing, he was going to die. He didn’t wanna die, he still had so much to do, so much to say to his family. He still had to give Raph a prober apology for not listening to him and acting like a total douchebag. He had to apologize to Don and Mikey for putting them in danger and not listening to them either. He had to apologies to Casey Jr. for being the cause of the apocalypse that had taken so much from him. He had to apologize to April for being such a nuisance. He had to apologize to his dad for being the worst son in history. The Krang was a breath away from him. He didn’t wanna go, he wasn’t ready to die. He wasn’t ready! He wasn’t ready damn it!
Loud intro music started playing from his phone. The sudden sound brought him back to reality. He started gulping in air as if he had just barely managed to resurface from underwater. The person in the video started to speak, but Leo wasn’t listening, he stared unbelievingly at what had triggered his flashback panic attack. In the corner of the room stood one of the many machines, it had a glowing red light indicating that it was turned off. It had been there the whole time, he knew it was there, it wasn’t like it had just appeared out of thin air, but his brain had decided that tonight it was going to be a problem. Leo felt like crying. It wasn’t here. It was trapped in that horrible place. It couldn’t reach nor touch him. So why? Why could it keep on hurting him?! Why could it keep tormenting him without even being there?! It had been a month. A month! And he couldn’t even say it’s stupid name in his stupid head without almost triggering a stupid panic attack!
He had tried. He really had! He had tried to make them go away, or at least less frequent. He had read all of Dr. Feelings' seminars, tried to do all the exercises and mental workouts, but it felt like nothing worked! It felt like everyone else had moved on or was in the process of moving on and he was just stuck. It wasn't about him it was about the team, he had to be okay for the team. So why couldn't he? Why couldn’t he be okay for them!? Was he really that weak?
Before Leonardo could submerge himself deeper into a sea of self-pity, self-hate, and anger, he just barely caught the sound of running footsteps prior to the car door, to the medical wing, being slammed open. Startled he looked at who just barged in unannounced and locked eyes with an out of breath Donatello. As the shock wore off, he noticed that Don looked a little pale and his eyes were a little unfocused. He hadn't taken his battle shell on, which in and of itself was worrying. After the incident he would have it on almost every single hour of his waking time, so to see him without it was worrying.
“Hey Tello, you okay? You look a lit-uff”
Before he could blink, he had an armful of Tello. He was a little winded after the sudden tackle and he could feel his ribs complaining about the sudden impact, but he was fine, and no harm had been done. More than anything he was surprised. Donnie very rarely instigated physical affection to this degree. Sure, there were the occasional bump or clap on the shoulder or in Mikey's case, the occasional head rubs. He would never refuse physical affection from them either (well, except for affection from him when he was being extra annoying), but he would never instigate hugs himself unless he was either really happy or really upset, and Leo doubted it was the later.
He paused the video that was still playing and put his phone down on the makeshift nightstand to his right. He kept his hands off of Donnie because, until he got confirmation that he could, touching could make whatever his twin was going through worse.
“Wow Dontron, it’s okay, whatever it is it’s just in your head.”
Donatello squeezed tighter but didn’t seem to have heard a word of what his brother had said. They had found through trial and error that the best way to bring Donnie back from one of these episodes where to talk to him. Leo hated that he couldn’t do more, but if there was one thing he could do, it was talk. Especially with a sleep deprived brain. And what better than to infodump on the infodump king.
“Hey Don, did you know that blue is one of the rarest of colors in nature. Like, even the few animals and plants that appear blue don’t actually contain the color. Isn’t that crazy. They have developed like, some crazy unique features that uses the physics of light. Awesome right! For example, the blue-winged butterflies in the Morpho genus have intricate, layered nanostructures on their wing scales that manipulate layers of light so that some colors cancel each other out and only blue is reflected. And like, only ten percent of the known three hundred thousand flowering plant species have blue flowers. And did you know that…”
He heard Donnie take a deep breath, indicating he was waking up so to speak.
“You with me Tello?”
He felt Don’s head move in the crook of his neck, he couldn’t really discern if it was a shake to answer or a nuzzle, but considering it was right after he asked, he would take it as a response to his question.
“Good, can you talk at the moment?”
Leo felt his twin move his head once again and once again he had to make an educated guess at what Donatello was signaling to him. Since he didn’t make a sound, he had probably gone non-verbal, which worried Leonardo even more because, once again, Donnie only went non-verbal when he felt really stressed.
“Do you wanna use the tap code?”
The tap code was something the twins had come up with together when they were little. As tots they would both go non-verbal more frequently than what they did now, so to still be able to communicate they created the tap code. One tap for no, two taps for yes and three taps for don’t know. They chose a tap code because it could be performed on any kind of surface in case of a no touch day.
Leo felt two taps on his carapace.
“Can I hug you back?”
Two taps. Great! The answer he was hoping for. He immediately wrapped his arms around Donnie, unconsciously adjusting it so it would be just the way Don liked it. That made Leo calm down a little, but he still wasn’t done with his questions.
“Can I ask about why you came running in?”
One tap. If Donnie didn’t want to talk about it or get asked questions about it, the chance of it being a nightmare was almost a hundred percent.
“Do you want me to call Raph and Mikey?”
One tap. Okay, so he didn’t want Raph or Mikey to see him like this, which most likely means the nightmare he had either, didn’t include them or nothing happened to them. Which meant it was probably a nightmare about that event playing out in a less favorable way for Leonardo only. Leo could feel how his breathing started to become difficult.
‘Deep breath Leon, this isn’t about you, it’s about Tello and he needs you to not freak right now.’
He took a deep breath and continued.
“Okay, do you wanna stay with me for the night?”
Two taps. Honestly with how Donnie was acting Leo was not surprised.
“Do you wanna be under the covers too?”
Two taps.
“Okay, then you gotta scoot a little Don, or else I can’t get it free from under you.”
His twin did in fact not scoot. His brother held onto him like their dad did the TV remote. So, between that situation and trying not to move his back too much, because of the shock of pain that would shoot through it if he moved funny, he really struggled with getting the blanket over them, but finally. Finally! He got the blanket over them. After three minutes he finally did it!
Leo felt the exhaustion, of staying awake for seventy-two hours then having a panic attack inducing flashback then go on an emotional roller-coaster ride and then fighting with a blanket for three minutes, hit him like a freight train. His favorite twin currently operating as a living, heated, weight blanket was just the cherry on top.
He felt his eyes close and unlike the other times, he didn’t fight it.
“Night Don see you in the morning.”
Leonardo cuddled himself a little closer to Donatello. The whole thing reminded him of when they were little turtle tots and would huddle together in turtle piles. They hadn’t done that in years, he should probably suggest one when it was more okay for him to be accidentally squished, but for now, a private cuddle party with Donnie was perfect.
Leo could feel his consciousness slip fast, but he just smiled in content, because now, with his Twin by his side, he was no longer afraid of the dark.