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Jeremy hadn’t even realized what day it was. He’d been content to just ignore the day entirely. It wasn’t like he liked to remember the anniversary of that day, anyways.
It was Jake that reminded him. Not by any specific thing he said, but by the way he acted.
Jake was usually a pretty touchy person. He’d been touchy when they were friends, and was even more touchy when they started dating. Jeremy could usually count on a hand to be at the small of his back, or fingers hooking in his belt loops, or Jake’s chin tucking on his shoulder.
There was coffee in the pot already when Jeremy woke up in Jake’s apartment. Jake had asked him to stay the night before. Jeremy was starting to understand why, but he didn’t want to think about it. So he stopped, taking down a mug from Jake’s cupboard. He heard the bathroom door open, and felt arms wrapping around his waist.
“Hi.” Jake’s voice was soft in his ear. “How’d you sleep?”
“Mm. You didn’t wake me up when you went on your run this morning, so that was nice.” He said, continuing to make his coffee. “I slept fine.”
Jake’s chin was smoother than usual. Apparently, he’d shaved. Jeremy tried not to feel a little sad about that. He liked the stubble, even though he complained about the slight scratch. “I was thinking we could just stay in today.”
Jeremy turned in Jake’s arms, leaning back against the countertop. His eyebrows raised. “Who are you, and what have you done with my boyfriend?” He said, snorting a little bit.
Jake’s hair was a little wet from his shower, falling into his eyes a little. Jeremy would be hard pressed to pick a favorite thing about him, but his eyes were up there. They were so expressive without even trying to be, which he only noticed once he could make eye contact with the guy. Right now, they were tired, and loving, and- something else.
“I’m just- I dunno. I took off work today, so we could spend it together.” He said, giving a small smile. “And we haven’t just had a day to ourselves in a while.”
Jeremy squinted at him. It was true, sure. Jeremy and Jake had both been busy. Jake had been working his million odd jobs, and Jeremy had been juggling therapy and his own jobs. Plus, they’d been catching up with friends home from college until they left in a few weeks. And college planning and applications. But this was still slightly out of the ordinary.
“Are you trying to get me to come back to bed with you, because you really have to let me finish my coffee if you want to fuck-”
“Jeremy.” Jake groaned, pressing his face to Jeremy’s hair. “No. Well. Maybe later, if you want. But that’s not why. I just- want to spend today with you.”
This was still a little odd, but Jeremy wasn’t going to actually complain. He’d be fine with that. He wanted a day to just relax and be with his boyfriend, anyways. Even if Jake was being slightly more touchy than usual.
Jake kept suggesting things that Jeremy liked to do. They ate breakfast while watching a show Jeremy was pretty sure Jake didn’t like. Jake kept his comments about how the weapons were wholly inaccurate, scientifically, to a minimum. Jeremy knew Jake was watching him more than the show, which wasn’t entirely weird, but he caught him looking a few times, with an odd expression on his face.
It was when Jake suggested getting pizza for lunch from Jeremy’s favorite place that he had to say something.
“Why are you being so weirdly nice today?”
Jake looked a bit like he was caught red handed, but clearly tried to play it off. He wasn’t good at it. “What do you mean? I’m always nice to you. You want mushroom, or-”
“You hate mushroom pizza. You always say it makes you feel like you’re eating dirt. And you don’t like Paragon Sinking, you always nitpick the weapons.” He pointed at Jake, frowning. “Are you trying to distract me from something? Is it my birthday?”
“Your birthday just passed, Jere. Like, two weeks ago.” Jake pointed out. “And I don’t nitpick, the laser guns would melt their hands if they actually held them with bare hands-”
“Jake.” Jeremy folded his arms. “It’s not my birthday. It’s not anyone else’s birthday. What is it about today? Are you okay?”
“I should be asking you that!” Jake said, before he bit his lip. It wasn’t often that Jake looked legitimately discomforted by what he’d just said, but he looked like he’d just said something he hadn’t meant to. He wouldn’t meet Jeremy’s eyes. “Look, never mind. Just- are we ordering pizza or not?”
Then it all clicked.
Jeremy didn’t like thinking about the days. He was bad at it on a good day, not even remembering his own birthday half the time. And a year ago, he’d been in such a haze, he hadn’t even thought about the day. It wasn’t like he’d spent a while choosing what day of the week to pop pills and kill himself.
“Oh.” He said, his voice soft. It all made sense now. The way Jake was barely a few inches away from him, how he kept looking at Jeremy as if to make sure he was still there, the way he was trying to do everything Jeremy liked. “Oh, god, I didn’t- remember.”
Jake’s face fell. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to- I thought you just- wanted to ignore it. Which is fine. I was okay with it. Just-” He didn’t look at Jeremy. His eyes were fixed on his phone, which he was flipping in his hands. “I’m sorry.”
Jeremy almost laughed, a slightly hysterical one. “No. It’s- it’s fine. Not your fault. I mean- I didn’t even realize you knew the date.”
They were both dancing around the words. He knew that. Neither of them was going to be the first one to outright say anything.
“I- I just… I know it’s been a little hard recently, so I didn’t want to- to make you think of it. You know? I just wanted to make today nice. And easy.”
God, Jake was so fucking good. A year ago- hell, even a few months ago- Jeremy would have thought he didn’t deserve him. Sometimes he still thought that. But right now, he was just so caught up in the fact that Jake was the kindest person he’d ever known, that he didn’t know what to say.
“I- I love you.” He blurted out, before flushing. “I mean- that’s- that is really nice of you. But I- I’m fine.”
“Are you?” Jake’s hands took his shoulders, and he finally looked at Jeremy properly. He made Jeremy feel so- seen. “I mean- you don’t have to be fine. It’s kind of-”
“I’m okay.” And he mostly was. “I feel- okay. Or as okay as I can.” He was telling the truth, but he knew Jake wouldn’t take just that. “I’m not… I haven’t thought like that in a while. Seriously. I’ve been- a lot better. Not great, but- better.”
Jake looked at him for a moment, his hands absentmindedly- or maybe on purpose- tracing circles on Jeremy’s shoulders. “I just- I dunno. You worried me a lot. And… And I don’t ever want you to feel like that again.”
Jeremy felt a pang of guilt. Jake had seen him at his lowest. They rarely talked about it, outright like this. Jeremy talked to his therapist, and he was sure Jake had people to talk to. But did he? Jeremy had no idea. He knew why Jake wouldn’t have said things to him, but… he’d never considered the idea that Jake was alone in this.
He’d encouraged Jake to open up to his friends. And he did, about his family, and his feelings, and things like that. But Jeremy realized he had no way of knowing if Jake talked about him. How he felt. The intense feeling that had to come with saving someone from the brink of death.
“Are… you okay?” He asked softly, his hands reaching up to take Jake’s face in his hands. He liked doing this. His pinky lined up perfectly with Jake’s jaw, and his thumb aligned with his cheekbone, and Jake leaned into the touch without even realizing.
“I’m not- I’m not the one who should be asked that.”
“Jake.” His voice was soft. “I- I know that it was a lot for you.” He was trying to keep his head about him. He wasn’t going to go back into that headspace. He focused on Jake, on the stray hair he’d missed while shaving, on the mole by Jeremy’s pointer finger, on the way his hair fell into his face. “It was- it was bad for me, but that- you nearly watched me die.” The small flinch under his hands told him that he had said a little too much, so he took a deep breath. “I just- I’m worried about you, too.”
“I’m…” Jake started, trailing off. Jeremy gave him a few seconds. “I’m scared.” He finally said, hands tightening, just a little. “You were so- I’ve never seen anyone so fragile before.” His voice was so soft, softer than Jeremy had ever heard. “And you- you were so- you begged me not to call. Do you remember that?”
Jeremy didn’t. He didn’t remember anything from that day, really. He remembered crying a lot, and Jake being there, and the way his mind seemed to scramble, but he didn’t remember.
Jake continued, his hands holding Jeremy as if he was afraid he’d turn into smoke if he let him go. “You begged me not to call, and I did anyway. I was so- so scared you wouldn’t make it. That you’d- you’d actually succeed. And-” He shut his eyes, and Jeremy felt a little sick. He’d made Jake feel this way. “And if you had, I never would have forgiven myself.”
“Jake-”
Jeremy didn’t get to finish his words until he was being crushed into a hug. Jake’s hugs were warm and enveloping, but this one was even more than that. It was like Jake wanted to absorb him into him, keep him safe by merging into one being.
“I almost lost you.” He said, into Jeremy’s curls.
“But- but you didn’t. I’m right here.” He said, surprised to find himself oddly steady. “I- I’m not gone. I’m here. And you’re here.”
“I know. I know.” Jake’s voice was a little hoarse. “Fuck. I didn’t mean to be like this.”
Jeremy wrapped his arms around Jake’s waist, holding him close. “It- it was probably a lot worse for you. It’s- it’s fine.”
“You almost died. I was just there. How is that worse for me?”
Jeremy hesitated. “You- I mean. Me almost dying was planned. Or, well, close enough. I’m- I’m used to bad days. I have to- I have to deal with me on my bad days and have all my life. You hadn’t seen that before. And you- you care so much. Of course it’d be worse for you.”
Jake finally pulled away, holding Jeremy gentler now. “I- I don’t want to lose you. It just- terrified me that you wanted that. I didn’t want to make today into a big deal, I just- worried.”
Jeremy leaned up, kissing Jake’s lips gently. It hadn’t felt like fireworks, kissing him just then, but it did make him feel better. “And you’re very, very sweet. I get that. I just-” He took a deep breath. “I’m not perfect. I’m not- not magically better. But you being here, being nice, and my dad, and my sister, and my friends, and work, and therapy and going to school, is helping. I don’t- I don’t feel that way anymore. Not… often, anyways.” He tried for a smile. “And you’re talking to the guy that forgot his own birthday.”
Jake gave a small laugh, but he still seemed a little off. “It would make me feel better.”
“What would?”
“If we just- I want to do the things you like today. To do the things that make you happy.” Jake’s fingers laced through Jeremy’s, warm and a little calloused. “I want to spend this day making it the opposite of what it was last year. I want you to be comfortable and safe and happy. I just- I want you to be here.”
Jeremy almost protested that he was here, but he realized what Jake meant. He usually hated things like this. Even on his birthday, he’d been averse to making it all about him. He’d done that before, and it sucked.
“I’ll be right here. Promise. Right with you, every moment today.” He said softly. “And Jake?”
“Yeah?” Jake’s eyes were that same mix of soft and caring and something else from earlier. Now Jeremy recognized it as sad, almost wistful.
“We’ll get half of the pizza for you, okay?”
Jake kept to his word. Things Jeremy liked were most of the activities, but Jeremy made sure to pull in Jake’s favorite things, too. Late at night, he propped himself up in Jake’s bed, watching him as he pulled on pajamas. Jeremy was technically already in pajamas. Which, at Jake’s apartment, was just one of his shirts.
“I love you, do you know that?” He said, his voice soft.
Jake’s smile was soft and genuine. “I do. And- I’m glad you’re here.”
When Jeremy nestled himself into the familiar crook of Jake’s arm, tucked under the other’s chin, he felt more at home than he had in months. “You know what? I’m glad I’m here too.”