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It had already been a few months since Kim and Chay got together. With time, and Kim’s apologies, they could start to make it something nice, without any hidden mission. Kim took the best care of Chay, and even Porsche could not deny that. Though, it was Chay who helped Kim to improve his communication skills. It was nice that, despite being able to directly speak about his feelings, Kim could put them in a song; though, Chay could not wait for Kim to make a song every time there was something Kim needed to let out of his heart.
They had talked several times about what happened when Kim broke Chay’s heart – and his own on the same occasion. Kim had explained, among other things, that he did not want to put Chay at risk. Seeing Chay being kidnapped without being strong enough to protect him traumatised Kim a bit. When Kim rejected Chay, he did not take into account the fact that the younger has been in danger because of the mafia since that very day Porsche accepted to become Kinn’s bodyguard. Chay had also been threatened even before that because of his uncle’s debts. And Kim had been afraid not to be able to protect him. He would never forgive himself if something was to happen to Chay without him being able to save him. Chay had joked about that, saying that maybe Kim had the saviour syndrome; but in all seriousness, Kim had answered that he would not go that far with anyone else. Kim might want to protect his brothers too, he would not become that feral if they were in danger.
Furthermore, if Kim was completely ok keeping tabs on his family to protect them, he found it too unhealthy to do that with Chay, who was now his boyfriend. (Chay had asked dumbfounded if Kim was ok being aware that what he was doing with his family was not very healthy, and Kim only shrugged. It did not make much difference with how things already were.)
But in fact, after some months of being in a proper relationship with Chay, Kim surprisingly noticed that he felt more ready and stronger than ever to protect Chay. Far from being a weakness as his father taught him, his love for Chay strengthened him. He would not hesitate to be brutal if anyone dared to make a move to hurt Porchay, even if it were someone from his family, and even more if it were his father.
Another reason Kim had been afraid to accept Chay’s feelings was that he feared that Chay would become another of his father’s pawns and that he would use him against Kim. It had not been a fear that had disappeared immediately getting with Chay, but it had really much subsided when Chay had told him about his complete mistrust in Korn. Kim had held Chay very tightly when his boyfriend explained how he felt so disturbed and oppressed by Korn’s presence, that he did not like his metaphors that exposed his manipulative side even more, and he could not be misled by how Korn interacted with people.
•••
The day prior, Wik had released a new song, Dum Dum. Of course, Chay had already been allowed to listen to it when Kim had finished the song, and furthermore, he heard his boyfriend humming the melody numerous times. However, he had not seen the music video yet. It was mostly because, even if he was with Kim, he still wanted to be able to be just a fan of Wik sometimes.
He had an inkling of Kim’s look in the video since he had briefly seen a couple of photos; but he had done his best to wait for the release of the music video.
Kim would be at his studio with the people he worked with at the moment of the release, and Chay would be at the compound. Porsche had wanted to spend some time with him, so he accepted with the condition that at six in the afternoon, they would watch the music video.
For that occasion, Chay had asked Porsche, Kinn, Khun, Vegas, Pete, and Macau (the last three were passing by) to watch the video together with him. He wanted that partly because he wanted Kim’s family to take more attention to Kim’s career; but that was also an excuse to act like the fanboy he still was. Learning about this little reunion, Korn had also decided to watch it with them.
Six p.m. was almost there, and Chay kept fidgeting to control his impatience. He refreshed the YouTube page, and finally the music video was there.
Completely entranced, Chay did not let his eyes leave the screen. He was so in awe that his mind was almost blank. It was only at the end of the first watch that his mind came back into the room because of his brother’s laugh.
“Close your mouth, you’re drooling.”
Chay could feel his cheeks heating hearing everyone’s laughs. “Stop saying nonsense Hia.”
“Though the music video was really nice. Did he have the ideas himself or did he ask someone else?” Pete asked.
“He may have been given some from people he works with, but most are his ideas.”
Chay had seen Kim working for hours, planning everything and looking for references, and he had told him it was about this video. There were so many elements, Chay would need to watch the video at least one hundred times to understand everything – yes he kept finding excuses to just admire his boyfriend.
Not satisfied yet, he played the video once again. At the end of the rewatch, he heard Khun and Pete talking.
“Did he dye his hair without telling me!??” Tankhun complained.
“It probably was some silver hair dye that disappears with shampoo.”
“What about the tattoos? Are they real tattoos?”
“Probably not, or we would have seen some over the last times we saw him.” Pete turned toward Porchay to have confirmation.
“Yeah, they’re not.” If they were, Chay would have seen each of them on his boyfriend’s body.
Porchay was about to turn back toward the screen when he caught Korn’s expression. The man did not seem very happy, and Chay was even more intimidated by his aura at this very moment. At first, he did not understand why Kim dying his hair or having tattoos or anything in this video could annoy the older man.
Chay did not stare at Korn for more than two seconds, afraid that the man would notice him. But he took a few more seconds to try to understand his reaction. Externally, Korn seemed to be calm, but his eyes betrayed his outrage – spending time with Kim made him develop some skills in reading body language. It was clearly provoked by the music video or the song in itself. Chay frowned briefly, before playing the video again, not caring about any complaints.
This time, Chay paid real attention to the lyrics. Kim had said to him that his songs were about real experiences he had. Chay did not ask the specificities with this one because he wanted to have some understanding by himself first, even more now that he knew Wik so well. But he did not think so much about the meaning of the lyrics yet in fact.
At first, it was quite easy to understand that it was about someone who used to play with him and who hurt him. If Chay’s first thought was about a toxic romantic relationship, he quickly discarded it: Kim did not have any relationship experience before Porchay. With a friend? It was unlikely. Chay never heard of any friendship of this kind between Kim and someone else, and Kim was not the kind to be subjected to anything without reacting. So it left his family. And now that Chay was at this conclusion, his eyes briefly darted back to Korn. Yeah, now it made sense.
For some months already, Kim had mentioned several times to Chay that if Korn tried to do anything against Chay, Kim would not let it go.
The lyrics of this song in the context of Kim and his father’s relationship made sense.
“Laying down on the floor
From the wounds that you tore
They can save me no more
Now I’ll never leave the door
Draw me in with your lies
Chain me up, no, I can’t fight”
Kim’s songs were mostly written as stories. The first part of the first verse referred most likely to the time before Kim took his independence and left the compound. Treating him more like a tool than like his son, and how he educated him, Korn hurt Kim multiple times. As he did with many others, he also tried to manipulate him to make him the perfect useful blade. At some point, Kim was probably too young to understand everything and be able to fight on his own.
“Our love can never die
It has never lived”
If Korn had ever really cared about Kim as his son, it had probably been such a long time ago that Kim could not even remember it. From Kim’s words and the way the two men interacted, it was not hard to see that there was more hostility than any affection between them.
“I used to cry but the tear is dry
Used to be blind but I see the light
I start to smile and I don’t know why
Please cut me deep
I’ll leave to just enjoy the bleed”
Kim being able to fight his father’s manipulation did not mean he has never been sorry about the situation or that he never had hope that things could change.
With that part, Chay felt himself directly concerned too. He felt a difference between the ‘before’ and the ‘after’, the turning point being himself. How many times did Kim refer to him as his sunshine? As if before meeting him, Kim had had to live in the dark because of how he grew up but also because of his own mind. But now he had Chay, and as he previously mentioned, Kim felt stronger now to protect him. It also felt like he was taunting his father.
“Please don’t mind if I sing
It’s just feel inviting
Now it’s time for giving
Fill your soul with my own sin”
Now that Chay had understood the meaning of Kim’s song, it was obvious that Korn had too, and that he did not like at all that Kim dared to provoke him like that and publicly most of all. Furthermore, even if Korn tried to pretend he had no problem with Kim’s career, it was not hard to imagine that he would prefer Kim to stay in the family’s business, to second Kinn or even to start a new whole branch.
Chay also knew that Kim would not hesitate to give Korn a taste of his own medicine if he could. If Kim could backfire with making people turn their back on his father, he would definitely do that.
“So you try to make up
Try to fill more than the cup
Baby, please just wake up
Maybe cup is your own skull”
Chay had witnessed many times how Korn tried to bring Kim closer to the family, even if he sounded fake. Even if Chay was still a bit sad about that, he could perfectly understand when Kim was telling him that it was too late and that his relation with his father was unredeemable – that the only way to end it was to get rid of Korn.
“You think that I need you around
Try every way to bring me down
Look up my little baby clown
Where are you right now?”
The last verse was the peak of Kim’s mockery and provocation. The tone was acerbic and sarcastic. Kim showed his independence and his strength, explaining that it was useless now to try anything against him. And if one had not understood it before, “Look up my little baby clown” did not let any doubt anymore. And lastly, the last line could easily be a reference to Korn’s health which was getting worse and worse and his more and more obvious loss of power.
The music video in itself showed different stages in Kim’s life to arrive where he was right now. From the poor manipulable tool when Kim was still so young, to the peak of Kim’s anger when Korn tried to make Chay one of his pawns, to the point that Kim felt more over Korn and powerful than him.
Without personal feelings about the situation, Kim’s song and music video were real pieces of art. It was even more the case knowing and understanding the context.
Chay had replayed it several times before Porsche forcefully stopped it.
“Hia!”
“As much as his song is really good, I don’t think I can take it being played so many times in such a short period.”
Chay faked being annoyed, but he was not really good at faking his emotions, so he quickly gave up. Anyway, Kim arrived at the compound not very long after – Chay had played the song so many times that he did not pay attention to the time passing.
As soon as he saw his boyfriend, he ran into his arms.
“The music video was so good!! You're the best Kim!!”
“Too good even, he couldn’t stop from repeating it,” Kinn added.
“Why did you not come to show me your look huh???” Tankhun exclaimed. “I want to see you in real life like that! And you should have come to ask for advice too!”
Kim smirked while sliding an arm around Chay’s waist. “I didn't want to ruin the surprise.”
“It looked like Chay had not seen you like that either before,” Vegas intervened. “Though I think he would have loved that.”
Chay turned his blushing face away from Vegas and heard Porsche telling him to shut up.
The attention now back on Porsche and Vegas, Chay looked at his boyfriend. However, Kim and Korn were staring not sympathetically at each other. If it felt like Korn silently wished bad things for Kim, Kim had a rather smug face. Korn had always implied things with his chessboard, Kim now did with his music.
Chay said and did nothing, but soon his boyfriend’s attention went back on him. With only one long look in each other’s eyes, Kim confirmed to Chay that he had understood the real meaning of his song. Maybe others would later, but Kim was not so concerned by that for now.
“Let’s have a date, shall we?” Kim asked.
Chay smiled and nodded. They said goodbye to everyone, and they left.
In the car, Chay finally asked, pretending to be innocent, “And huh, will you use this look again?”
Kim smirked and started the engine, “Definitely.”