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As Ellana Lavellan sat uncomfortably in her saddle, she pulled her cloak tighter around her body in a vain attempt to fight against the wintery frost. Her face was so cold it was nearly frozen, her legs were stiff, her back sore, and the back and forth motion her horse was making had begun to make her queasy.
The Inquisitor and her companions – her three advisors and two guards – had been riding none-stop for four days. They had set out from Orlais on a boat - that journey itself enough to make her unstable – and had arrived in Fereldan a day later. They then continued the rest of the way to Skyhold on horse-back, a decision that Ellana had regretted during the last stages of their journey.
In the end, Ellana was just looking forward to a hot bath, a lay down in her soft bed and a full night's sleep, her face pushed deep into her feather pillows as she forgot everything that had happened in Orlais.
Ellana gritted her teeth at the thought and leaned forward more in her saddle.
Their meeting with Divine Victoria hadn't gone as planned, not in the slightest. It had left the entire party disappointed, leaving them to be amongst their own thoughts. It made for a very… quiet trip back to Skyhold, at best.
When Ellana pushed forward to the top of the final hill, she should have felt relief, or at least happy at the thought that she was now home. But she didn't. Ever since they had left Val Royeaux, all she felt was anger, a frustration that she hadn't felt in a long time. When she reached the top of the mountain and settled her gaze on the home of the Inquisition, it only reminded her that the people blamed them, even hated them.
The Inquisition's reputation was now in shambles, hanging by a thread, and there was nothing that Ellana could do about it.
And to top all of it off, it seemed that the Qunari were beginning their Invasion.
'Everyone just seems to hate us nowadays…' Ellana thought as her steed came onto the solid stone pathway, the clip-clapping of his hooves on the new ground sending echoes through the mountains. All six of them trotted along in silence, eyes to the ground in tiredness as they got closer to the castle.
As they were making their way onto the castle's main Entrance Grounds, Ellana breathed in sharply, instinctually bringing her hand to her stomach as she made a tight fist. There was a dull, aching pain inside her hand, and she scrunched her eyes closed in pain. Through the thin sheet of skin that covered her eyes, she could see the green flashes of light that erupted from her gloved palm, the green mist oozing from the middle the material and evaporating into the air.
"My lady?"
Ellana opened her eyes quickly and glanced up, her gaze falling onto the Inquisition's Ambassador, who had moved closer to her than Ellana remembered. Josephine was giving her a look that she knew all too well. After just over two years of being together, she would often come back to Skyhold from a mission, her composure gone as she limped into the castle. And every time Josephine would greet her with that look; concern, worry.
Head shaking as she waved her hand dismissively, Ellana brushed off her lover's concerns, trying to show her that she had nothing to worry about as she slid off her horse. She faintly heard the Ambassador sigh, but tried her best to avoid looking up, busying herself with taking the saddle and tack off the horse. Ellana knew that Josephine meant well, truly, but she just didn't want sympathy. If anything, it only fuelled her anger. Her going through this pain was a reminder of what she and the Inquisition went through for the people for Thedas, but quite frankly, they didn't seem to give a shit.
"If you don't need anything, Inquisitor, I think I shall retire to my quarters now," one of the advisors, Leliana, announced once she was on the ground. "I'll have a report on your desk tomorrow morning."
"Take your time," Ellana muttered. She undid the girth and pulled the saddle from the horses back. "I know this week has been long and… trying."
"If it's all the same, I would rather get on it right away," the Spymaster insisted. Leliana bid her goodnights, quietly mumbling something to Josephine before heading toward the Rookery. Cullen was next to say his farewells, giving orders to the guards that had accompanied them to Orlais before heading towards his own quarters. Soon, it was only Ellana, Josephine, and one of the guards who was supposed to feed the horses.
With the chill wind beating around them gently, Ellana and Josephine made their way to the Great Hall of Skyhold.
Ellana glanced around the gardens as they made their way to their quarters. Two years ago, these very gardens were once vibrant and dancing with life. During the day, children would play in the grass, getting mucky as they forgot what was happening outside the castle walls. Merchants would make their trade by buying and selling necessities with other refugees and even some of the soliders. People would appear at the castle gates everyday, people from all over Fereldan, claiming in delight that their 'Pilgrimage' was finally over. At night, the embers of dying fires would light up the grounds as storytellers would spin their tales, Varric becoming a popular one amongst others.
Now?
It wasn't even a shadow of what it used to be.
The tents that once littered the grounds were now gone, and the absence of people was still difficult to get used to. There were always a few people and tents that moved into the castle every now and then, but they never stayed for very long. Only until they didn't need help from the Inquisition any longer.
'Like the rest of Thedas,' Ellana thought bitterly as she and Josephine had climbed the stairs to the main building.
The walk to their room was short, brisk and quiet. The climb was less so, the silence broken by Josephine's comment. "I suppose there is one reason I liked about being away from Skyhold." Ellana frowned and looked over to her, and Josephine added, "These stairs are a nightmare to climb."
At any other time, the remark would have caused her to smile, maybe even chuckle. But with the events that were unfolding, she couldn't find the energy to give even her lover a smirk. And the worst part is that she didn't feel anything about it. No guilt, no sadness at the let-down-look Josephine had given her, nothing. She just pushed on up the stairs, slowing occasionally to let her lover catch up.
Ellana came into the bedroom shortly after, and she instantly regretted that she had left the windows open before leaving for Orlais. With a shudder, she breathed out a frosty breath as she moved to close them, letting the latch fall into place to hold the windows in place.
Suddenly, Ellana gritted her teeth together in pain for the fourth time that day, bringing her hand to her stomach as she clutched at it with the other. She let out a low grunt as the pain coursed its way through her hand and up her arm, just touching her elbow. It was the first time it had gotten that far before.
It was spreading.
"Ellana?" Josephine asked as she made her way towards the tall Elf.
She moved as if to place her hands on the woman's shoulders, or to bring her into a deep embrace, but only got so far before Ellana scooted away, her hand pressed tight against her side as she walked. "What?" she spat out, not realising how harsh the word had sounded.
Josephine was silent for a moment. She had seen the Inquisitor cold, maybe even slightly angry before, but never had it ever been directed at her. An icy chill run down her back and she did her best to swallow the lump in her throat. "I was just wondering if everything was alright."
Ellana forced out a bitter chuckle as her arm relaxed. "'Alright'?" she repeated, vaguely noticing how much smaller the Ambassador had become. "'If everything was alright'? Funny you should ask. Well, let's see," she continued, feeling her anger boil as it had done for days. "We go all the way to the Grand Cathedral to see if we can help with the Qunari threat, only to get shut down by - not the Divine – the people we're supposed to protect. They don't even want out help anymore!" she shouted, now pacing around the room. "It was a different deck of cards when Corypheus was threatening to rip the sky open, everyone wanted to know then." Ellana shook her head in frustration and made tight fists with her hands. "We save Fereldan, and they're angry. We save Orlais, and they're angry. We close the Breach twice, and my own hand wants to kill me." As the worlds fell from her mouth, another surge of pain shot through her palm, the green wisps pouring from her hand.
Ellana felt the urge to do something she hadn't done since she was a child. A child that was in a deep tantrum and angry beyond belief.
Picking up the nearest thing to her, she grasped it in her non-painful hand and threw it against the wall on the other side of the room. It smashed when it collided with the stone wall, it's shattered pieces falling to the ground.
That felt good.
"Could one thing in this fucking world just stay fixed?!" Turning toward the large chester drawer, she threw she fist down hard onto to the wood, the unmistakable sound of a crack making her feel more satisfied.
Breathing hard, she rested her free fisted hand on top of the chester drawer, feeling all her anger disappear when she ran her hand over the crack she had made. Leaning forward, her breathing began to even out as she rested her forehead on the wood that was untouched by her wrath.
For a long few minutes, there was nothing but silence, a silence which Ellana really needed at that moment.
The moment was broken soon after, by Josephine's unsure steps and her quiet, nervous voice. "I'm drawing a bath," she all but whispered. Her flat shoes clapped down on the stone flooring as she made her way to their private bath house, the sound only stopping when she closed the door gently behind her.
After a short while, Ellana moved from the broken chester drawer to lean on the wall near their bed. She slid down the wall to sit on the ground, her hands coming to her face as she truly began to calm down. She rubbed her eyes tiredly, sighing when she took them away. She glanced down at her Marked hand and glared at how it twitched with green. Even if it was a small glare, it was a glare all the same.
After her little rampage, Ellana felt better, and realised it wasn't a good idea to bottle up the anger like she had.
The memories of minutes ago began to come back to her, and she began to blush in embarrassment as she looked back over her behaviour. That was not how one should act, no matter how angry they were.
Standing back up to her feet, Ellana looked over to the wooden drawer she had tried to break. It didn't look too bad, considering how hard she'd punched it, merely a small crack.
The thing she had thrown previously gave a much more satisfying smash.
Wincing, she leaned forward from the wall to see what it was she had in fact thrown.
Resting at the bottom of the wall were several shattered pieces of glass, all of which were sitting in a small puddle of water. Scattered around the floor were at least a dozen of wilted flowers, and guilt wrecked the Elf when she realised what she had thrown; a vase, a gift from herself to Josephine shortly after they had defeated Corypheus. The flowers Ellana had patiently grown down in the gardens, waiting for them to bloom so she could give them to her love in time for their second year anniversary.
Chastising herself, Ellana came onto her feet fully and began walking over to the mess she'd made. The damage was clearly irreparable she noticed as she picked up a few of the bigger pieces. Eventually she let out a breath in defeat and ran her hand through her shoulder length hair, the auburn locks falling into her eyes.
Ellana glanced over slightly toward the bath house, and guilt wrecked through her harder. That night she'd done something she vowed she would never do; she took her anger out on Josephine, her light. It wasn't her fault everything was going to shit, but she was trying to help in anyway she could. Even after Ellana had shouted at her, Josephine had gone to draw them both a hot, relaxing bath.
"I don't deserve her," Ellana thought, the sudden urge to be near Josephine and apologise profusely taking control of her legs.
She came to the wooden door of the bath house and knocked gently before going in. She waited a few moments and, hearing no protest to her entry, opened the door.
Ellana poked her head around the corner before coming in fully, the warmness of the room welcoming her in.
Their bath house was small but adequate. There was the tub itself, a towel rack, and a small chair next to the tub. On the side of the bath was a small tray which held multiple ointments and soaps which the women would use during their soaks.
Josephine herself was sat on the small chair, her eyes to the ground as she bit her thumb nail, refusing to look up at the Inquisitor. Ellana noticed how her eyes, usually remarkably rich with the colour of dark chocolate brown, were now red and puffy. There were tears tracks running down her cheeks which looked streaked, as thought Josephine had wiped them away harshly before Ellana had entered.
Ellana's heart ached at the sight, as it always did whenever she saw this woman – this wonderful woman – in such a distraught manor.
"Oh, Emma lath," Ellana whimpered as she strode closer. "Ir abelas, Ma Vhenan." She knelt down on one knee and took both of the Ambassador's hands in hers, noticing how Josephine flinched when he Marked hand touched her own tanned, quill-written one. Ellana knelt her forehead on onto Josephine's lap, and sighed in relief when Josephine intertwined their fingers.
As the water continued to heat, Josephine placed one of her hands on Ellana's cheek, rubbing the skin under her thumb tenderly. Ellana looked up from her resting place and, for the first time in days, gave her lover a genuine smile, which Josephine gladly returned. "Ir Abelas," Ellana whispered again, turning her cheek to settle a kiss onto the Antivan's fingertips.
Josephine sighed, then shook her head, but kept the smile which always made Ellana's heart melt. "Amore, you have nothing to apologise for."
"Yes, I do," Ellana insisted. "The way I behaved was childish. And the vase," she continued. "I shouldn't have thrown anything, especially not that."
"I'll admit, some of the things you said were mildly upsetting," Josephine agreed. "I've… I've never seen you like that before. It was worrying, at best. But everyone needs to let it out at some point, my darling. Have no worries." Her smile widened as she placed her hand back on Ellana's cheek, and they stared at each other for a long while.
Words could not describe how much Ellana loved this woman. The fact that Ellana was blessed with the ability to fall asleep next to this beautiful person and wake up so close to her was a gift that Ellana rarely, truly appreciated. Ellana had always known that she would fall in love hard for the Antivan, but never in a million years had she expected the same. How could someone so high in the social class, so amazingly talented at everything she did, want to be with someone like her? An Elf, as opposed to an Antivan Lord?
Smiling at her luck, Ellana let go of Josephine's hands and moved one to her lover waist, the other around her shoulders. She leaned up and pressed herself against the woman's body and dove her petite nose into her lover's hair as she leaned her head on Josephine's shoulder.
They began drawing the bath a few minutes later, the warm, heated water slowly filling the tub. When Ellana had stopped the water flow, she encouraged Josephine to stand up, and with experienced fingers, began undoing her daily attire. Josephine giggled like a love struck teenager and allowed the treatment to continue, using Ellana's shoulders for balance when the Elven woman moved to remove her leg wear. Soon enough, Josephine stood in front of Ellana naked as the day she was born, the Inquisitor running her hands over the Antivan's body.
Over the years they had known each other, even before they entered a romantic relationship, Josephine had never been the highly held ideal. Her normal dress code allowed for most of the weight to be hidden, the ruffles on her cloting making them seem baggy. With all her clothing taken away, however, her breasts sat large on her chest, her thighs were bigger than normal, and she had curves that no small woman would ever have.
But Ellana saw these things - that others would see as imperfections – as blessings. She saw it as an honour to have been able to feel those legs and those fleshy thighs wrapped around her whilst they were intimate, to rest her head against her lover's proud breasts and feel her heart pulsate against her cheek, to run her hand over Josephine's hip and feel the dip and curve of her waist. Josephine was a goddess in the Elf's eyes, and Ellana didn't have a problem with showing it.
Of course, during the beginning of their relationship Josephine had been mildly worried at how the Inquisitor would react to her having more meat on her bones than normal, but her fears were quickly swept aside when she voiced these fears.
Once Ellana had finished her thorough exploration, Josephine took her time in undressing her love. Once they were both undressed in the privacy of their quarters, they slipped into the warm, relaxing water, Ellana jumping in first before Josephine settled down in front of her, leaning back and resting her head on the Inquisitor's shoulder. She giggled as Ellana pressed her lips and nose into her neck, and gave a small moan when she latched her teeth onto the skin there, biting and sucking on what she had caught.
Josephine smiled knowingly when Ellana's hands began to explore again, reaching further and further down the Antivan's body. "Not right now, amour."
Ellana gave a groan of disapprovement and removed her teeth. "Why not?" she whined. "We've never done it in the tub before."
"Exactly," Josephine replied with a chuckle. "Think of the mess we'd make."
"Oh, of course, now she thinks about messes…" Ellana replied sarcastically, making it so her hands were resting around her lover's waist. "Spoilt sport."
The women fell into a comfortable silence, Josephine quietly listening to the rhythmic beat of Ellana's chest. Slowly through her concern, she moved her hand towards Ellana's Marked one. She brought it out in front of her and examined it, at how the green ooze would leak from the naked palm and into the air, how quickly it was there but then lost again. She stroked the back of Ellana's hand gently, tucking herself more into the Elf as she let out a breath. "How is the pain?"
"It's getting worse," Ellana admitted. "But keep doing what you're doing and I'll be able to bear it."
Smiling sadly, Josephine turned so she could kiss the Inquisitor's cheek. She left the smile on her Ellana's lips when she did, and in return the Elf nuzzled her. "Two years together is not nearly enough time," Josephine mumbled, her voice thick with a sadness Ellana had only heard once before; when the Ambassador had told her of her engagement to Lord Ortranto.
"Don't talk like that, Josie," Ellana nearly begged. "We'll figure it out. Every curse can be removed. Besides," Ellana picked up her voice and leaned forward a little, making it so her chin was on Josephine's shoulder. "I'm not dying when I have you to come back to."
In reply, Josephine pushed herself back into her lover, nuzzling her nose into Ellana's cheek. She sat there, taking in the comfort and breathing in her musky scent before opening her eyes again. "Do you promise?" she whispered against Ellana's skin.
Ellana felt a lump in her throat at how desperate Josephine's voice sounded. It was like she already knew the truth, and was begging Ellana to convince her otherwise; that everything would be fine after everything calmed down. That they would find a way to remove the Anchor without harming the Elf. That they were going to settle down somewhere exotic, with a large family to carry on the Montilyet line, and live well into their old age until they died peacefully in their sleep, resting quietly in each others arms.
And Ellana wanted so much to tell her that, to convince herself that that was their story.
But it wasn't.
Settling her jaw and squeezing down that traitorous lump, she nodded against Josephine's cheek. "I promise, Emma Lath," she said quietly. "When this is all over, we'll retire to Antiva, away from everyone and their problems. We've done enough for Thedas."
Josephine, after hearing her words, moved from Ellana's arms to face her. Her own brown eyes bore into the Elf's, searching for the lie in what she'd said. The Ambassador reached up, dressing her lover's cheeks with her hands, and leaned forward slowly, pressing their lips together.
They stayed like that for a lengthy time, and Ellana could have sworn that it was their longest kiss ever. It was chaste, dry, but comforting. It was something they both had needed in that moment.
Ellana was the first the pull away, but she kept their closeness as she wrapped her arms around Josephine's neck, keeping her still so she could press their foreheads together.
All the while, Ellana was fighting to hold back her tears.
Deep, somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that this was it. After this night, things would only get harder as time went on. Soon enough, they would lose the support they needed to fight the Qunari Invasion, the Inquisition would be disbanded as people would no longer place their faith and time into the organisation.
And to top it off, this Mark that Ellana had been cursed with would eventually take her life. She felt it every time her palm ached with pain, the green mist pouring from the never healing wound. It hurt more and more each time the spasms of agony came, and they were getting further up her arm.
Ellana was certain that after this last quest - if she lived through it - she wouldn't have much longer to live. The thought of dying… it just hurt.
It hurt because of her Clan, the Inquisition, Josephine. The Ambassador had never openly admitted it, but Ellana knew that she had their entire life planned out. Marriage. Children. Old age. A dog.
And all because of that fucking Anchor, she would have to break her lover's heart, to get rid of all those plans and ideas because the God's had other plans for her, to go to their side's and leave her heart behind to taste the bitterness of life without her.
The more Ellana wondered on these painful thoughts, the more difficult it was to hold back her weeping. Soon, tear after tear rolled down her cheeks, dropping from her chin into the water they sat in. She sniffled every so often, tightening her hold on her lover, her lifeline.
Josephine rubbed her thumb against Ellana's high cheek bone and whispered little words of comfort to her. That everything was going to be okay, that they would get through this. "I love you, my darling," she whispered against Ellana's hair before placing a kiss to the locks.
Her bittersweet words only caused another onslaught of tears, and all Ellana could do was weep against Josephine. The love of her life. The one she would end up leaving behind.
"Ar lath ma, Vhenan…"
"Ir Abelas…"