Work Text:
One message and I know I have to go, because when he calls I do not walk, I run.
It's the message about Andy. It makes me incredibly heartbroken and very sad and sick to the heart but I know someone who will not cope with this situation. A person I love.
I abruptly leave the lunch I'm at in a hurry. It doesn't matter. I quickly jump in a taxi, I don't want to call Damon to drive me, because this is deeply personal. "To the airport" I mumble at the driver hoping he does not recognise me. I check the airlines for the earliest flight from London to Manchester while my heart pounds wildly. I'm only reacting on instinct and I know exactly what I should do.
Arriving at the airport I quickly make it through the security check because I have nothing on me. Just me and my wallet. Luckily I have the cap I'm sometimes wearing in the pocket of my jacket so I can drag its shade deeply into my face. I'm not up for fans or staff demanding a photo of me right now, because I just can't. But life is kind to me for once and nobody approaches me. Up in the air I order Gin and Tonic to calm the nerves as I often do nowadays. If that's a healthy coping mechanism is a thought for another time.
I arrive at Manchester Airport and a familiar feeling of being home catches me. An estranged home but nevertheless the unshakeable nostalgia of being raised here lingers in the air. Here are my earliest and darkest memories but my new life also began here. A light in all of the darkness and that light is flickering.
This time I approach the rental car stalls. Where I'm going I am going alone. I must admit to myself that it's been awhile since I've been driving myself, for this usually Damon does nowadays. Sitting behind the wheel and adjusting my seat I ask myself why that is for the very first time and I really don't know the answer.
Had I become that kind of a popstar?
No, I just like to be driven around, it gives me some kind of security, a homely feeling that somebody cares for me as absurd as it is, but with Damon, whatever he is to me, it never feels quite right. It's nice, but it's not right. Maybe it's a reminiscence of the old days where somebody else used to drive me around.
But only with you...
I don't know why I just know that he'd be alone, because he surely also very much could be at home with Angie and his kids and from them at least one really hates my guts.
As if on autopilot the car drives me to an offside parking spot in Saddleworth Moor, and sure enough there I see another car. I'm not sure it's his' because I'm not familiar with his cars nowadays, but I have gut feeling that I'm right.
I get out and in the distance I make out a small person sitting on the ground, crouched. He is older now but I know his proportions by heart. I am relieved that my instincts were right but with him they strangely always were. And that worked both ways. I slowly approach him from behind. He spins around and looks angrily at me but as soon as he recognises me his expression softens and I can see his exhaustion. He's been crying. He gets up and literally falls at me and of course I catch him into a tight embrace.
Crash into my arms...
He just cries and I hold him crying with him.
Now it's forty years on...
We stand like this for a very long time, saying nothing sobbing our eyes out holding onto each other and steadying each other.
Home is not a question mark, I realise. Home is right here. With his head on my chest and my arms around him.
"How did you know?" he whispers.
"Read your message. It was factual, but I know you, John. I just know."
"I can't... I mean he can't... it's just...how...why him? Why now? Its not fair".
I kiss his hair, it's just to say I'm here for you.
I've always been true to you.
We stay like this until the sun is going down.
"Steve, can we stay here? Will you stay with me? I just can't face the world right now. I can't."
I'm startled at my old nickname but I know why he uses it.
"We can sleep in my car. Like the old days..." he whispers very unsure of himself. This grade of vulnerability in him is new to me and it makes me even more protective. He knows that that's a very delicate and dangerous thing to ask.
We haven't done that for a very long time for a good reason. Because after the childish beginnings of innocent cuddling it much too soon but certainly became sexual and after that it became desperate and then possessive to finally be spiteful. And what had happened next, well we all know the story from there.
But I just follow him to his car and when Johnny shuffles himself in my arms as we lay on the backseat we hold on to each other for dear life. It's like the very beginning, it's innocent, it's pure. We both feel we are 18 and 23 again and the world is right, there is a bright future ahead of us and Andy is in it.