Chapter Text
“You’re still awake?”
Gyuvin lingers in the living room, extending his arms out to fold his sleeves over his hands. Ricky thinks he almost looks small if he wasn’t full of height that makes him tower over everyone, including Ricky (however, according to scales, Ricky’s the taller one, which doesn’t make sense).
Gyuvin hums in response, his eyes shying away, “You’re up late, Ricky.”
“So are you.” Ricky observes,
Ricky goes back to scrolling on his phone mindlessly, and Gyuvin bites his lip as he watches his every move. “This isn't too late for me, hyung. You know me, I can’t sleep well.”
Ricky takes his eyes off his phone to bore his eyes into the brunette, a deep frown replacing the minimal expression he previously had on his face. “Is the melatonin not working again?”
Gyuvin chews at the very little skin left on his lip, attempting to ignore the intensity of Ricky’s eyes on him. “It never did work in the first place.” He murmurs, before lifting his head up, “I’m just thirsty– go back to whatever you were doing. I don’t know what’s on your phone that’s got you so invested.”
Gyuvin pads over to the kitchen, which in honesty, isn’t too far away from the living room. The cold kitchen tiles shock him when he steps onto it, but why was he expecting warmth from it in the first place?
Gyuvin still feels stiff when he realizes that Ricky’s eyes never leave his body.
And suddenly, Gyuvin’s flooded with the thoughts of wanting to shrivel up and die. Why won’t he stop looking, does Gyuvin have something taped to his back or something that’s embarrassing and Ricky’s just secretly judging him with his eyes?
No, Gyuvin shoots down that thought immediately. Gyuvin knows Ricky better than he knows himself, and Ricky would never do that despite how cold his appearance is.
Gyuvin declares himself as a weak man when he decides can’t take it anymore. He casts a glance to Ricky before speaking up, “Is there something wrong with me or something? Why are you still staring at me?”
Ricky only stares blankly at Gyuvin in response before getting up from the couch. “Gyu.”
Gyuvin steps towards the fridge, the distance between him and Ricky slowly closing and suddenly, there’s a lump in his throat.
Gyuvin places his hand on the handle on the fridge, pulling it slightly to welcome the chilling air that attacks Gyuvin. His vision blurs.
Is it just him or was there nothing in there to drink? Had they not restocked on drinks yet, he could’ve sworn he saw Jiwoong drag Zhang Hao out to the grocery store to go purchase snacks and drinks for the nine of them.
Maybe he was bugging and the sleep deprivation has been getting to him.
“We have nothing to drink–” Gyuvin starts before a gasp slips out of his mouth. His body suddenly feels warm and he can feel crimson flooding his face as he directs his attention down to his waist. His waist where Ricky’s arms now occupied.
Oh, Gyuvin feels his sanity slowly slipping away from him. He feels utterly doomed, as if the escape is slowly closing up and he can no longer see the light to freedom anymore. Perhaps he’s over-exaggerating, but what else could he do when his best friend, fuck, his best friend that he has an embarrassingly down horrendous crush on, just casually wraps his arms around his waist as if it belongs there?
“Do you need help sleeping again?” Ricky whispers and his breath feels so hot against Gyuvin’s ear. Gyuvin’s own hands tremble by his sides, awkwardly in place because he doesn’t know where to put them.
Gyuvin knows exactly what he means and he hates that he understands. Ricky was always the sweetest to him, always willing to help him out whenever he needed. Including his terrible sleep schedule and insomnia.
Back in their Yuehua days, where they were stuck in the stuffy rooms of the company building, hell, even in their Boys Planet days they did this, Ricky would lay aside Gyuvin, would wrap his arms around his torso and put Gyuvin’s body flush against him, would mumble sweet nothings into Gyuvin’s ear and even go as far as to sing gentle lullabies to him just to get Gyuvin asleep.
Gyuvin would rather die than let that happen. He’s already got a terrible crush on his best friend, if Ricky continues doing all this, Gyuvin’s just not sure how much longer he can hold on before he completely explodes and ruins his entire friendship with Ricky– god, he’s not even sure if Ricky knows he’s homosexual, even Gyuvin can barely accept the fact that he’s gay.
“No,” Gyuvin sighs, and he slowly pries Ricky’s hands off of his waist for the sake of his sanity. “I don’t, I’m fine, hyung. I’m not a child or anything, I don’t need to be snuggled to sleep.”
Gyuvin swears he can see a puzzled expression on Ricky’s face, almost as if he was upset that Gyuvin unattached himself from Ricky. Perhaps he’s hallucinating and the lack of sleep is really getting to him.
Ricky doesn’t say anything back to him. Instead, he says something under his breath in Chinese (and no matter how many years he’s been stuck with Zhang Hao and Ricky, he’s never been able to grasp anything said in Chinese), and just looks away from Gyuvin.
Gyuvin’s heart almost cracks but he doesn’t say anything either. The silence has Gyuvin picking at the skin by his fingers.
Ricky ends up walking away and Gyuvin can hear his footsteps fade out from the kitchen and back into the living room where he throws himself back on the couch to go back to lazily scrolling on his phone.
And from there, the self-loathing begins. Is Ricky upset with him, or has he done something wrong? Maybe he shouldn’t have taken Ricky’s hands off of him, even if it wasn’t good for his heart. Should he speak to Ricky before they’re left on sour terms? Did he come off bitter to him and that’s why Ricky felt awkward with him a few seconds before?
Gyuvin thinks he might tear up right here and now. He’d rather stick his head into a blender than to have Ricky be upset with him.
So, with what very little courage he has, he musters it up and follows shortly after Ricky into the living room. Ricky’s eyes flicker up to him in curiosity when he first steps onto the carpet but then it trails back to his phone and Gyuvin bites the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything wrong.
Should he apologize or should he just start a new conversation and hope everything goes well?
The answer is right in front of him and Gyuvin was never one for apologizing so he chooses the latter.
“Hyung. Are you excited for your birthday? You’re gonna be turning twenty soon, with all the coming of age ceremony and all that stuff, I mean, I’ve never understood it myself because I don’t think there’s any point of us two celebrating it because next month we’re gonna be back to nineteen– but they still want us to do it for the sake of our fans,” Gyuvin’s ramble comes to a pause when he looks at Ricky and he swallow the words deep in his throat.
This time, Ricky looks at him with uncertainty and another type of gaze. Gyuvin’s not sure what it is, but it sends chills down his spine and suddenly he wishes that he could dig up a hole and bury himself within it to escape the burning gaze that scorches his very own skin.
Gyuvin coughs, breaking the terrible tension between them. “Ricky,” he whines, in a childish tone, attempting to lighten up the mood. “You’re staring again.”
Gyuvin giggles when Ricky’s cheeks flush and he looks away from Gyuvin, “Sorry. Didn’t mean to.”
Gyuvin feels his body let out a sigh in relief. The tension feels like it’s dispersed and he gets a silly thought in his head, telling him that he can breathe again and that nothing’s wrong. He ends up taking this as an indication that perhaps he was just overthinking everything and that things between him and Ricky are okay, that nothing has changed.
With that, he grasps at the opportunity to slip in on the couch beside Ricky, laying his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around his neck to snuggle into his side.
Gyuvin can afford to be selfish for just a little bit, he finally admits. Ricky’s oblivious, he won’t notice that anything’s out of sorts with Gyuvin. Gyuvin can do this just for a little bit, to soothe the painful ache in his heart, to feel something. It’s just platonic, if anything, he can just tell Ricky if he ever questions anything which he highly doubts, they’re just cuddling as friends, just like they’ve always done (if Gyuvin could ignore the pathetic feelings that had developed for Ricky over the years).
They sit in comfortable silence and Gyuvin’s eyes fidget over to Ricky’s phone, where he’s just scrolling through cute cat videos and Gyuvin’s heart feels heavy and warm and he doesn’t like this anymore, and he just realized he needs to get out of here because this is so bad for him, and everything might go wrong and–
Gyuvin panickedly sits up and even Ricky’s startled with the way his head snaps to Gyuvin, staring suspiciously at him and Gyuvin gulps, his heart pulsing in his chest speedily.
“Sorry, I just– I have to go. Sleep well, Ricky. I’ll see you tomorrow for our coming of age ceremony thingy, or whatever they’re planning on making us do, alright?” Gyuvin speaks far too hastily and a lot of it comes out jumbled, but he could care less when his only priority is to head back to his room where Yujin and Gunwook were, maybe they would chastise him for not coming in soundly, but anything’s better than staying in this room with Ricky and his dreadful feelings.
He’s already set to speed walk out of the room until he feels a strong grip on his wrist and Gyuvin is forced to turn around to look at Ricky, who’s upper lip is tilted upwards and the tips of his ears burn roses, and Gyuvin feels guilty for leaving him here in this state, but it’s either him or Ricky; and Gyuvin mumbles a quick apology to Ricky before trying to tear his wrist out of Ricky’s hand which appears to be proved futile (for someone who has such noodle arms; Ricky’s strength is surprisingly high).
Gyuvin doesn’t say anything. After a few more failed attempts, he gives up and puts his defense down.
They stay in that position until Ricky breaks the silence.
“Did I do something?” He starts off, his voice meek. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be mad at me or anything, and I thought everything was okay but you just seem avoidant, and I’m just wondering if I had done anything to make you angry with me, and it’s okay if I did, just please tell me, I’ll make up for it, I can’t bear to have you upset with me, Gyu.”
Gyuvin is mortified, and he gapes. He opens his mouth to speak but no words come out, so he closes it. Ricky looks up at him, dashes of hope glinting in his eyes. Gyuvin wants to say, no, you did nothing, but he can’t bring himself to say that. It’s not his fault he fell in love with Ricky, right? It’s Ricky’s fault for being himself, for being Ricky, for being Shen Quanrui, for being that stupid blonde boy that Gyuvin felt himself falling deeper and deeper within– and fuck, Gyuvin wants to break out in tears right this instant.
And he does just that. A singular liquid crystal drip down the side of his cheeks and Ricky looks up at him with shaky eyes before standing up from his position on the couch and he brushes his thumb against Gyuvin’s cheek, and god, Gyuvin wishes he could just stop– he wishes that Ricky could just leave him alone; so he can deal with his feelings on his own and mope with the fact that he may never move on and that he’ll always be stuck on his stupid, hopeless crush on Ricky– but Ricky’s so caring, and he would never let Gyuvin suffer like that, even if it makes him uncomfortable, and Gyuvin absolutely despises that.
“Did I say something wrong?” Ricky whispers, his voice trembling, and he’s looking at Gyuvin with those eyes, those stupid caring eyes full of tenderness and comfort and Gyuvin feels himself getting lost in them at the wrong moment so he shakes himself out of his headspace and he rips himself away from Ricky.
“No. Just… I have to go, Ricky. I need to get to bed.” Gyuvin spits out, his voice coming off a bit harsh than he had expected because he can see the way Ricky flinches at his tone– and before he can even think, he blabbers, “Please leave me alone, Ricky. I don’t wanna talk to you right now, it’s nothing you did, it’s me.”
Everything comes out faster than Gyuvin could even think and panic surges through his veins when he fully acknowledges what he had told Ricky and when Gyuvin meets Ricky’s eyes– wide and open and deep and hurt. And it’s all Gyuvin’s fault.
Gyuvin turns around almost instantly. He’s never gonna be able to live with himself after this moment, he knows– he’ll beat himself up constantly for this. How could he have done this to his very best friend who has shown nothing but delicacy and kindness to him? How selfish of him, how greedy, how stupid, how pathetic.
But Gyuvin’s already started walking away from the scene, leaving Ricky alone.It’s far too late, he fears, he can’t take anything back now, it’s already been said and done. Gyuvin will convince himself that everything will be normal tomorrow, that this encounter never happened, or better yet, this is one of Gyuvin’s dreams– or more like, a nightmare–and that they’ll wake up tomorrow morning and everything’s gonna be perfect between them and it’s gonna feel as if there was never a drift between them.
Gyuvin sighs when he realizes how delusional that must sound.
When he finally reaches the door to his shared room with Yujin and Gunwook– he turns the doorknob, walks in, and instantly shuts the door behind him quietly so as to not awaken the other two boys. He solemnly walks towards his bed and he throws himself atop of it, not caring if it seems indecent or it’s just an odd way to sleep– because he really needs to sleep this entire situation off before it eventually does end up suffocating him.
Luckily for him, the moment his eyelids close, consciousness slips away from him. And if a few tears drip down his pale cheeks whilst he’s in his slumber, then that’s for nobody to know, including Gyuvin.