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“I think I’m pregnant, Nie-xiong,” is a Wei Wuxian sentence Nie Huaisang had not expected to hear today.
Today was going to be a terrible day.
Nie Huaisang knew it in his bones as soon as he woke up to throw up the patty melt he had for dinner in his bathroom toilet. He then proceeded to stay slumped over the toilet bowl for the next half hour. When the urge to vomit slowly receded and he was finally well enough to drag himself off the floor, he only managed to text a quick ‘food poisoning, can’t come in to work’ to his brother before brushing his teeth and resigning to starfish across his bed.
That was when Wei Wuxian made a sudden appearance with a loud bang at his bedroom door with an equally sudden statement.
“Huh???” He exclaims, tumbling out of bed. He’s hit with a sudden wave of vertigo, feeling himself break into a cold sweat. He closes his eyes until the room stops spinning, grasping at the air before grabbing a hold of Wei Wuxian’s arm to shake him weakly but vigorously. “With whose baby???”
Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes as if Nie Huaisang had asked him the stupidest of questions. “Lan Zhan, of course! He’s the only person I’ve ever been with!” He states, looking rather smugly.
Which is another Wei Wuxian revelation he had not been prepared to hear.
“WHAT?” He shouts even louder than before. “Since when??”
“Since last week!” Wei Wuxian responds nonchalantly.
That whore! Nie Huaisang thinks to himself, already planning on storming his childhood friend’s apartment with no invitation to rat him out for not telling him all the juicy details. I’m rescinding our bestie bracelets next time I see him!
How could Lan Zhan not tell him he finally got with the love of his life?! After all these years of the slow agonizing pining from the both of them?! Nie Huaisang had to suffer through so many years of ‘Wei Ying smells nice’ and ‘Lan Zhan has such pretty lashes, how is he still single?’ and even ‘Wei Ying/Lan Zhan likes Mianmian, so there’s no way he would ever look my way’ . (Although, Nie Huaisang does admit, that last one was always so fucking hilarious to hear.)
Anyways, it had been insufferable.
Then to hear they finally got their shit together and HID IT FROM HIM?!?
The betrayal—the sheer audacity of some people!
Nie Huaisang would have fainted for dramatics if A-Cheng were here because he doesn’t think he’ll ever recover.
He has to call A-Cheng immediately.
“You never told me you guys were dating!” Nie Huaisang whines, searching for his cellphone amongst the mess of his blankets. He swallows back some stomach bile threatening to claw its way up his throat.
Food poisoning was a bitch. Next time, he was choosing the place. He really shouldn’t have let Jiang Cheng convince him to eat at an Applebee’s, just so they can drink fruity drinks and eat greasy appetizers at an affordable price.
Nie Huaisang swears, once he’s fully recovered, Applebee’s will absolutely rue the day.
Wei Wuxian looks at him as if he grew a second head. “Huh?? We aren’t dating though??” Wei Wuxian says incredulously.
This back and forth was making him lightheaded. He really needed to sit back down, pinching the bridge of his nose. “…I’m confused.” Nie Huaisang says.
“It was just one time! Lan Zhan was drunk, and one thing led to another—“
“You had drunk sex with the man that you’re in love with, and you guys STILL AREN’T DATING?!” He wanted to grab Wei Wuxian by the shoulders and shake him until all the stupid fell out of him.
Unfortunately for him, you can never quite shake the stupid out of Wei Wuxian.
“Lan Zhan was drunk! He didn’t mean it!” Wei Wuxian says in between shakes.
How could he not mean it?! Nie Huaisang wants to shout and rip his hair out. Someone as stiff-neck and serious as Lan Wangji never does anything he doesn’t mean!
This whole ordeal was making his nausea even worse. Maybe he really should have just stayed in bed and ignored trouble named Wei Wuxian.
“It’s whatever, Nie-xiong. Anyways, I bought all these tests, so do one with me! Just so I know these things work.” Wei Wuxian insists, already opening two boxes.
With nothing better to do, he reluctantly rolls out of bed and agrees to take the dumb test. It’ll make for a funny story to tell his future godson how his mother stress-bought ten pregnancy tests all at once.
The first test is easy enough. Pee on the stick, wait five to ten minutes for the results. If all goes right, they’ll be done before the morning ends. Maybe they could even go out for brunch, or stay in and watch some Lifetime thrillers. Luckily, his stomach has calmed down enough where he thinks he can enjoy the day once more and even finds some amusement in the whole situation.
Once this whole debacle is done and over with, Operation Wangxian seriously needs his full attention.
The alarm on his phone rings, and Wei Wuxian shoots up out of his seat and sprints toward the bathroom. It’s quiet for a while, and Nie Huaisang doesn’t know whether or not that was a good thing. Maybe it is positive, and Wei Wuxian is having a full-blown meltdown in his bathroom.
But then Wei Wuxian walks out of the bathroom with a confused expression on his face.
“Nie-xiong, I think these are faulty. Mine says negative, but yours is like 100% positive.”
Nie Huiasang drops the box he had been fiddling with.
No. Fucking. Way.
So they take a second test.
And then another.
Until Nie Huaisang is holding three positive pregnancy tests and chugging down his third water bottle as they wait on the fourth one to finish processing his pee.
“I bought these in a sketchy mini-mart on my way home, and you know some store owners cheap out on stuff like these to sell more of them.” Wei Wuxian reassures him. Nevermind the fact that he’s stopped testing himself and allowed Nie Huaisang to hog all the tests instead. “In the meantime, think of all the partners you’ve been seeing behind my back as who the potential baby daddy is.”
There weren’t partners—plural. There was only one man, and it was supposed to be a secret.
Wei Wuxian was going to murder him, reattach his soul to his corpse, and murder him again.
“Please don’t joke like that, Wei-xiong. I really will puke from all these nerves.”
Wei Wuxian hums in thought. “Does that mean your food poisoning has just been morning sickness all along?”
That made too much sense, and Nie Huaisang hates him for it.
The timer rings. Nie Huaisang swallows the lump in his throat before reaching for the test on the counter. They both hold their breath as they stare down at that red plus sign on his test.
Wei Wuxian is the first to snap out of their shocked stupor.
“WHO DID THAT TO YOU!?” He screeches, pointing at Nie Huaisang’s stomach.
“I DON’T KNOW!” is his knee-jerk response to keep himself from having a full-blown meltdown. Because holy crap there’s a baby inside him.
And not just anyone’s baby…
“How can you not know?!” Wei Wuxian begins pacing the room, shouting, “How many guys have you slept with recently for you to not know?!”
The answer truly was only one.
For the past six months, he’s only slept with one other person, which means there was no doubt in his mind who the father was.
But that in itself was complicated enough!
If Jiang Cheng were to find out—
As if he were called upon, Nie Huaisang hears the front door unlock and instantly pales.
Wei Wuxian, oblivious to his inner conundrum, dashes to meet his brother in the living room. Nie Huaisang races to catch him, but it’s too late.
Jiang Cheng is halfway from taking off his shoes by the door, bags of groceries beside him when Wei Wuxian sinks his claws into him.
“Jiang Cheng! Jiang Cheng! Get this! Nie Huaisang is pregnant, and he won’t tell me who the father is! I didn’t even know he was dating anyone!”
“…”
“…”
Nie Huaisang couldn’t bear to look at him. He didn’t know if he could take seeing whatever expression is on Jiang Cheng’s face. He might faint if he does!
The silence is deafening.
After a beat, Jiang Cheng says, “You’re…pregnant.”
“I—it’s not—“ His brain couldn’t seem to complete a full sentence, eyes casted downwards. Is he angry? Oh, of course he would be angry. Jiang Cheng is a traditionalist—he probably isn’t expecting to have a baby so young.
He was just getting settled in his position at the hospital, only twenty-five, and before marriage at that!
“These are the cheap kinds. Wei Ying got them at a sketchy minimart, so it could just be a false positive—“ Before he could finish his sentence, Nie Huaisang is engulfed entirely of Jiang Cheng, who spins him around the room and peppers kisses on every inch of his face.
“You’re pregnant!” Jiang Cheng laughs, full of uncontrollable joy.
Nie Huaisang smiles shyly. “I’m pregnant, A-Cheng…” He says to him softly, a giddy feeling bubbling up in his chest. Or maybe that was vomit again, who knows.
He stops caring when Jiang Cheng kisses him deeply, right then and there in front of Wei Wuxian.
“We’re gonna have a baby!” Jiang Cheng cheers as soon as their lips separate, looking just about ready to spin around the room again. He thinks the baby wouldn’t mind one more spin…
“WHAT?!” Wei Wuxian screeches, completely ruining the moment. He pushes his brother out of the way to grab Nie Huaisang by the shoulders and shake him silly. “YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER?! AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME?!”
“YOU SLEPT WITH LAN WANGJI AND DIDN’T TELL ME!” Nie Huaisang shouts back, pointing a finger accusingly at him.
“WHAT?” Jiang Cheng also shouts, cutting in between them and placing his arms securely around Nie Huaisang. “What happened to ‘I would never marry such a boring guy, I bet he sucks in bed’ talk you’ve been doing for the past ten years?”
“Well, I was wrong! Lan Zhan definitely doesn’t suck.” Wei Wuxian says with a dopey look on his face.
And then his grin turns sly as he cheekily added, “Because I did most of the sucking.”
Nie Huaisang lets out a disgusted shriek. “TMI! TMI! A-CHENG COVER MY EARS! MY POOR VIRGIN EARS!” He says, placing Jiang Cheng’s hands over his ears. Jiang Cheng easily complies, and Nie Huaisang wraps his arms around the man’s middle to stay as close as possible. You know, so they were both comfortable. No underlying motive whatsoever. Especially not because he likes to feel up Jiang Cheng’s abs through the thin fabric of his raglan t-shirt.
No, no. Nie Huiasang is a classy man.
“Says the kid selling porn in the boys bathroom back in high school!” Wei Wuxian retorts before grabbing one of the pregnancy tests and waving it in his face. “And I think we already proved you’re not even a virgin anymore! What, did A-Cheng take that too?”
“…” Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang share a sappy look as Wei Wuxian looks on with complete horror.
His jaw drops. “WHAT?! ”
Nie Huaisang shrugs. “It was after your costume party.” He answers calmly, inspecting his nails to resume an innocent facade.
“Costume party…?” Wei Wuxian pauses. Nie Huaisang can see the mental calculations happening in his head and the exact moment it hits him.
“THAT WAS SEVEN YEARS AGO!!”
Wei Wuxian looks about ready to throttle him again. Luckily for him, Jiang Cheng gives his brother a warning glare, pulling Nie Huaisang close to dodge his grubby hands.
Nie Huaisang decides to throw him a bone. “If it makes you feel any better, we only started dating officially last month.” He says, cuddling into Jiang Cheng’s side.
‘Unless you want to count the five months of sporadic hook-ups pretending we didn’t have feelings for each other dating then…’ Nie Huaisang thinks but decides to keep that to himself. He suspects they’ve had enough revelations for one day.
Wei Wuxian has his phone out, furiously texting someone as he paces the room. “My best friend and brother are both conspiring against me! I’m telling Lan Zhan! Hold on, I’m calling him.” He says, pressing his screen. The sound of a dial tone ringing fills the air, and it’s barely two rings before there’s a soft click on the other line.
“Wei Ying?” Came the monotonous baritone of Nie Huaisang’s childhood friend. Nie Huaisang rolls his eyes. That boy is absolutely WHIPPED. For a menace-to-society gremlin of all people.
“Lan Zhan! You should come over right away! Huaisang lied to me! I need a shoulder to cry on in these trying times!” Wei Wuxian says dramatically. He even has a hand on his forehead to add to the effect. Nie Huaisang spins around in Jiang Cheng’s embrace to massages the space between the man’s eyebrows, already knowing he had his Scowling Disapprovingly face on.
The scowl turns into a fond grin before placing a chaste kiss on Nie Huaisang’s fingers.
“Hurry, Lan Zhan! I think they’re gonna start making out if you don’t save me!” Wei Wuxian whines, making obnoxious gagging noises behind them.
“Up the elevator now.”
Dammit. Nie Huaisang cusses inwardly. Who’s dumb idea was it to all live in the same apartment complex?!?
…oh wait. It had been his idea.
Curse you, past-Huaisang.
There’s a jingle of keys before the front door opens once more. Nie Huaisang’s jaw drops.
“You gave him keys to our apartment?!”
“For emergencies! Who, other than Lan Zhan, is the most reliable in case of emergencies!” Wei Wuxian says proudly before gluing himself to Lan Wangji’s side. Lan Wangji is quick to place an arm around Wei Wuxian’s waist as the other man latches onto his arm like a needy octopus.
Jiang Cheng scoffs. “You shouldn’t be giving out copies of our apartment keys!” He scolds with a glare.
“What’s the harm? Like I said, it’s for emergencies! What if I have the sudden urge to see Lan Zhan’s pretty face in the morning or eat his cooking for lunch or need someone to cuddle with me to watch horror movies in the middle of the night?”
“Those are not emergencies!” Jiang Cheng snaps.
“I can make breakfast for you every morning.” Lan Wangji says at the same time. “Wei Ying can see this face every day if he wants.”
“You want me to move in with you, Lan Zhan?” Wei Wuxian says in a soft tone.
Nie Huaisang groans. Oh, here they go…it’s about to get gross.
“Mn…always want to see Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian breathes out with a gross look on his face. It’s totally his “I want to put my face on your face” type of look.
“If you guys are going to fuck, please go back to A-Zhan’s apartment.” Nie Huaisang says before they get too into their own world.
“Speaking of fucking!! Lan Zhan, did you know Huaisang and Jiang Cheng have been dating behind our backs?!”
Lan Wangji’s stare turns cold.
“…hurt him, and you’ll never see the light of day.” Lan Wangji says warningly to Jiang Cheng. Nie Huaisang can’t help but feel touched that Lan Wangji would actually threaten his boyfriend for him.
Jiang Cheng’s eyes narrow. “You threatening me, asshole?”
“Not a threat. A promise.”
“I hope the baby doesn’t inherit your temper, Jiang Cheng.” Wei Wuxian says with a shake of his head. “Don’t worry, Nie-xiong, you’re in good hands with Lan Zhan and I as the cool uncles.”
Lan Wangji’s eyebrow furrows. “‘Baby’?”
“Oh, right! Lan Zhan get this! It’s actually pretty hilarious! So remember how we did it in the bathtub last week? Well, I’ve had this weird queasy feeling in my stomach for the past few days, so I decided, since the condom broke back then, that maybe I was pregnant, so I—”
“Baby? With Wei Ying?” Lan Wangji’s eyes seem to light up at the thought, but Wei Wuxian shakes his head.
“It was a false alarm, unfortunately. At least for me, anyways. I would have loved to have your baby, though, Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian says, fluttering his eyelashes like a sultry maiden. And Lan Wangji falls for it all the time if his red ears were any indication.
Lan Wangji nods slowly, putting his hands behind his back before saying calmly, “Shall we marry still?”
Wei Wuxian freezes, and Nie Huaisang has never felt so lost in a conversation. How did they talk about marriage and still not be together?? Make it make sense!!
That is when Lan Wangji takes something out of his coat pocket and places it in Wei Wuxian’s hands.
It’s a small velvet box.
Wei Wuxian opens it. Inside is a beautiful silver ring with red and blue gems intertwined over the other. Not too bling, nice and simple, probably light weight too because Nie Huaisang knows Wei Wuxian prefers jewelry to feel like he’s barely wearing any. It’s perfect .
“…ARE YOU FUCKING PROPOSING RIGHT NOW?!” Jiang Cheng shouts in shock. Nie Huaisang is completely baffled too. Lan Wangji went ring shopping and didn’t ask for his advice?!
“Mn. If Wei Ying will have me…”
“Of course! I sincerely wanted to sleep with you that day. I love you, I want only you forever!” Wei Wuxian says before jumping Lan Wangji and pushing his tongue down the Lan’s throat. Lan Wangji steadies himself before keeping a firm grip under Wei Wuxian’s legs, hands looking dangerously close to said man’s bottom.
He can hear the whispers of “Love you. Want you. Don’t want anyone but you” in between their kisses.
Yup, here comes the baby vomit again…
“Disgusting. Both of them, I swear.” Jiang Cheng says with a scoff.
Nie Huaisang pouts, nuzzling his head further into Jiang Cheng’s chest. “How did my surprise pregnancy announcement turn into getting them together? A-Cheng, I want attention too!”
“Your WHAT?!” A new voice roars, causing them all to startle. They stop and see Nie Mingjue hovering in the entrance, dropping the bag of pepto bismol and ginger ale in his hands after the shocking revelation.
Nie Huaisang laughs nervously.
“Um…surprise?”