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Shauna wakes up crying. She’s crying hard and she’s reaching out for Jackie, but of course, she’s not there. She’s been restless almost every night since that day. Since the snow. Since Jackie’s death.
Tai is close by but Shauna wakes up in a similar state so often that she feels like a burden towards the other girl, so she tries to keep quiet as she sniffles and wipes at her damp eyes.
Despite her best efforts, Tai notices. She rubs at her eyes a little and then scoots closer to Shauna.
She places a comforting hand on Shauna’s arm but all Shauna can think about is the way Jackie looked under all that snow, how cold she felt, the lifeless frame of the girl she once knew so well. The girl she loved. And it was all her fault.
Tai starts rubbing her hand up and down Shauna’s harm softly, “I’m here, you’re okay.”
Shauna knows it’s supposed to be comforting but she can’t help but shake her head. She’s not okay. She doesn't think she ever will be again. She sent Jackie out into the cold knowing how stubborn she was, knowing she wasn't cut out for the wilderness. It was all her fault.
“I’m sorry, I know you’re not okay. But it wasn't your fault, Shauna.” Taissa hums, as if she can read Shauna’s mind. She’s had to do this multiple times but if it bothers her, she doesn't show it. Shauna appreciates it. But still, she shakes her head again.
“It was my fault, Tai,” Shauna says, voice wavering, “I sent her out there.”
Tai sighs and pulls Shauna closer, wrapping her arms around the other girl and allowing her to sob into her. Tai just holds her close as she lets it out. Shauna feels like she’ll never stop crying. She feels like she needs to hit something until it feels as bad as she does.
Eventually, the tears stop and Shauna’s breath evens out. It’s silent between the two, but it’s a comfortable silence. One that the both of them are content to just sit in together.
Until Tai speaks up, “She loved you, you know that, right?”
Shauna lets out a choked sob and shakes her head, “I was such a bad friend, Tai.”
“Yeah, you made mistakes, Shauna. She just found out you were pregnant with her boyfriend's baby.” Tai starts, and Shauna makes a choked sound at Tai’s mention of what she did. “She was angry, rightfully so, but she’s Jackie Taylor, and you were her best friend, she wouldn't have been happy but she loved you Shauna, I really doubt she would’ve held it against you forever.”
Shauna hurts thinking about what she did to Jackie, how betrayed she would’ve felt. If Shauna had just been honest about how she felt, then maybe things would be better than they are right now.
“I shouldn't have even– I didn’t even like Jeff. I just slept with him because I was jealous.” Shauna murmurs, and she feels Tai’s hold on her loosen a little, as if she’s confused.
“Jealous of Jackie?” Tai asks softly, like she’s having a hard time believing that’s the reason Shauna slept with Jeff.
If you had asked Shauna that question a couple months ago, she probably would’ve said yes. She was jealous of Jackie. Because who wouldn't be? She was beautiful, smart, funny, the sweetest person Shauna ever met. She was basically the best. But now, after the recent couple of months, Shauna knows that’s not the case.
She shakes her head and swallows harshly before speaking, “Of Jeff.”
Tai’s hold on her loosens even more as she connects the dots, but as she realises, she wraps her arms even tighter around the other girl, “Oh, Shauna.”
Tai cooes the words so softly it’s almost enough to make Shauna start sobbing again, but only a tear slips out. Shauna is quick to catch it.
Neither of them say anything for the rest of the night, they just hold each other, and while Shauna is far away from being okay, she feels better than before. She feels understood.
She’s had so many repressed and bottled up feelings about Jackie that overwhelmed her so much she was sure it was going to swallow her whole. So to say it felt good to get that out, even though she didn't necessarily say it - Taissa understood - would be an understatement.
Shauna lies awake for the remainder of the night. She thinks about Jackie. She thinks about her smile, and the way she smelled. She thinks about how no matter how tough a situation was, Jackie would find a way to be optimistic about it. She thinks about how many times Jackie saved her, and how she failed to save Jackie.
Shauna has no doubt in her mind that she was in love with Jackie. And she knows, deep down, that Jackie loved her back. She showed it so clearly, and so purely that Shauna felt undeserving of that type of love.
She’d do anything to get Jackie back. She’d do anything to go back and fix all of her mistakes, but that’s impossible. So what helps her sleep tonight, is the idea that Jackie wouldn't have hated her forever.
Jackie loved her, and that’s all she could’ve asked for.