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Chapter 2: Aromantic
Quick note on the pronouns of the people in this chapter:
Dorcas – they/it; Pandora – she/they; Emma, Marlene, Lily, Mary, Emmeline and Hestia – she/her; Barty, Evan, Regulus, James, Remus, Peter – he/him; Sirius – they/he/she
“Ems! Ems, wait!” Emma turned her head around, seeing Regulus hurriedly approach her in the corridor. She waited for him. “What’s up, Reg?” The boy quickly came closer, grabbed her arm and pulled her aside. When they were stood behind a curtain, he grinned at her. “You know how Pandora’s birthday is coming up, right?” “Yeah, what about it?”
“We are planning a surprise party for them, tomorrow evening. So that we can celebrate into their birthday, you know? But-” He stopped, grinning sheepishly, “we need a little extra help with the planning and organization.” Emma slapped her hand against her forehead. "Please don't tell me you haven't planned anything yet when the party is supposed to be tomorrow." "Well," Regulus started, pausing a few seconds before admitting defeat. "Maybe."
The black-haired girl let out a laugh. "Okay, who's all on your planning committee?" "That's just me, Evan and Barty. The two of them are going to ask Dorcas if they want to help right now, and I was sent to hire you." Regulus looked at her, blinking innocently a few times. “So you are going to help us, right?” Emma sighed. “Of course.”
An hour later, all the 7-year Slytherins, except Pandora of course, met up in the library to plan their party for her. “Okay, boys, what do you have so far?”, Dorcas asked, looking around. Barty started to explain. “So. We made a plan while we waited for you. We have planned to do it at the lake in that one bay that we found last summer. We can decorate the cliffs around it with like fairy lights or stuff. And we can set up a few tables to sit at and an extra one for drinks. Evan already bribed the house elves to get some ready for us.”
“Sounds good.” Emma looked at Evan. “Do I want to know how exactly you bribed the house elves?” “No.” “Okay.” Dorcas shook its head at that conversation. “Also”, Evan continued, “Barty asked his dad to send us an old radio of his from home that we enchanted, so it plays all the music we want. Just by pointing a wand at it.” Emma nodded, clearly impressed.
“Guys, I never expected to be saying this but that actually sounds like an okay plan. What did you need us for?” Regulus turned his eyes down, looking rather embarrassed. “We need you to ask the Gryffindors, okay?” “What?” “Well, given as Dorcas is like totally in love with Marlene, if they ask her, she’s gonna agree to come and then the others will also come.”
Emma just stared at him. “Regulus”, she started. “Did you forget that you are in a relationship with James? Like, James Potter? The Gryffindor? Prefect? The one who is literally friends with all the others Gryffindors?” “Oh. Right.” Dorcas and Emma locked eyes, simultaneously bursting out laughing. “I will ask Marlene and the other girls but you are literally so stupid.” “Thanks.” Evan and Barty attempted to hug Dorcas from both sides which made them scoot back loudly with its chair, while all three laughed loudly, alerting Madam Pince.
“How dare you make this loud of a sound inside my library? Get out, all of you. Out, out, out, go and take your business somewhere else!” Also laughing, Regulus and Emma stood up, slowly backing up. Meanwhile, Barty, Evan and Dorcas were still getting yelled at, resulting in them quickly running after their friends, the five of them making their way out of the library.
After they had escaped Madam Pince’s wrath, the group split ways, the boys going back to their dorms to not make Pandora suspicious, while the two others made their way to the Quidditch field. Dorcas knew exactly that its girlfriend had training this evening. When they arrived, they went to sit on the bleachers to watch the Gryffindor’s training for the next game. Emma herself was on the Slytherin Quidditch team, so it was interesting for her to watch the other house’s players.
“Look at her, Emma, isn’t she handsome when she’s playing?” Dorcas looked down at the field, while Emma laughed at them. “You are so in love, oh my god, it’s literally disgusting.” “Oh shut up, Vanity!” They hit Emma’s shoulder, getting a shriek out of her. “But you’ve gotta admit, she’s literally perfect
When the training had ended, they made their way down to the field to wait for Marlene McKinnon, Gryffindor chaser and Dorcas’ girlfriend. When she came out of the changing room and saw the Slytherins waiting for her, she beamed and pulled James with her to go and see them.
“Dorcas”, she smiled, hugging her partner and quickly pressing a kiss to its forehead. “What are you doing here?” Dorcas put an arm around her and quickly got to explaining the story to her, while Emma watched the two interacting. She suddenly felt a piercing pain in her heart, followed by a crushing sensation. Irritated she shook her head.
“You okay, Vanity?” James asked and looked at her. “Yeah, I’m okay.” Emma wasn’t okay, she knew that. But she didn’t wanna talk about it.
“Well, if you say so. I saw you last game by the way. From one chaser to another, you are pretty good.” “Thanks. You’re also not bad, yourself.” They continued to talk about the next game for a while. Gryffindor was gonna be up against Hufflepuff. “I maybe shouldn’t be telling you this, but their keeper has a habit of flying out into the field to watch when the action is at your own goals. So if you are quick enough, you can fly around him and score.” “Thanks.” James was surprised at the Slytherin’s kindness but she just smiled innocently at him. “If you tell someone I told you that, I will personally make sure to steal Sirius’ hair products and make him believe it was you.”
“James, we need to go.” Marlene interrupted the two of them talking, “We have a mission. You and I are going to a party tomorrow. And you need to tell your friends, I’m gonna tell Mary and Lily.” “I- What?” “No question, we need to get going. By Ems, by Dorcas!” The blonde didn’t turn around again, pulling James along with her again.
When the day of the party had arrived, the Slytherins had the bay ready, with Evan stalling time for them by holding his sister up until Barty was to give him the hint that they were ready. Marlene and James had kept their promise and brought their friends. Mary and Lily both happily agreed and had brought presents. Remus knew Pandora from book club, so he was happy to have gotten invited and James also had gotten Sirius and Peter to tag along. Barty also had used some connections, so that Emmeline Vance and Hestia Jones, two Ravenclaws that Pandora had befriended somehow, were also there.
When the sun had set, the location was ready for Pandora’s birthday party, so they brought the birthday mostly-girl down to the lake. “Okay. Ready everyone?” Dorcas looked around. They propped its present for its friend up on one of the tables. When Pandora walked around the edge of the cliff, she froze, looking at the people in shock.
“Surprise?” Barty looked at them with a tilted head. “Oh my god”, Pandora laughed, moving down the beach to hug him. “Thank you so much, guys. And girls. And Sirius.” The Gryffindor snorted at that, leaning in to also hug her. “I’m glad to finally meet my brother’s friends properly.” “And I’m glad that you’re here.” Pandora went around, hugging everyone, until it was time for their presents.
She opened every single one, absolutely beaming at them. They immediately put on some bracelets Mary got her and asked Evan to help her put a new pair of earrings from Remus in. “I love those”, Pandora smiled, “They match my dress perfectly.” “I’m glad you like them” Remus smiled back at her.
Not even fifteen minutes later, when all the presents had been opened, Regulus had opened their self-made bar at one of the tables by the lake. The first round of drinks was being passed around. Emma had ended up immediately taking some shots with Hestia, Sirius and Lily. “And there you go.” Sirius gave her a shot glass, while Hestia poured the four of them their shots of vodka.
When all of them had their glasses ready, Lily began to speak. “Okay. One, two, three”, she counted down to them taking their shots simultaneously. Hestia grimaced at the burning feeling in her throat, causing Sirius to laugh at her. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, bitch!” That just caused Sirius to laugh even harder, until Lily slapped her on the head. “Before this escalates- one more shot?” Emma asked and Hestia immediately poured them another round.
Remus then came to collect his boyfriend and Hestia went on to go search Pandora to steal hear new earrings and maybe try them on. “So looks like it’s just us now”, Lily smiled at Emma. “Yeah.” the redhead opened her mouth again a couple times, trying to come up with something to say but then stayed quiet. “So”, Emma began to break the kind of awkward silence between the girls, “How’s school going?”
Lily broke out in laughter at the attempt to break the silence. “I’m doing just fine, how about you? Emma, I believe? To be honest, I’ve only really heard much about you from James and Marlene and they mostly just call you by your last name. Vanity, right?” At that remark, Emma also laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. Emma Vanity. She/her. Usually not really one to socialize, so I’m not surprised that you have to ask.”
“Okay, let me also introduce myself properly. Lily Evans. Also she/her. I usually love socializing, but I never had that good contact to the Slytherin’s after the Severus incident.” “Understandable. You know, we were all really sad when he had to move schools.” Her voice was laced in sarcasm, so Lily leaned against her shoulder and put her head back with a grin. “Yeah, me too.” Both girls then started gossiping about the boy. Both of them were already a bit drunk from the two shots of vodka, but none of them seemed to care.
A few minutes later Lily left to go search Mary, afraid that her girlfriend might already be drunk. She had told Emma that Mary was a “pain in the ass” at parties because she had a habit of getting way too drunk way too early. “Good luck!” Emma shouted after her, getting a wave in return.
Emma was now watching Dorcas and its girlfriend from a fair distance. She smiled at the couple, Marlene smiling back as she saw her and excitedly waving at her. Dorcas had a drink in its hand while they danced to the music playing. Marlene watched her partner with a fond expression, one hand on its waist, gently holding them. Emma’s heart ached again watching them but she didn’t knew why. Scanning the people for her friends, she decided to ignore that feeling and just drown it with more alcohol.
She walked to the table they had set up by the lake and grabbed herself another drink. Soon she was joined by Evan who also poured himself another glass of wine. Sipping at it, he turned to Emma. “You look kinda sad. Everything alright?” “I’m fine.” Her voice was sharper than usual. “Ems.” Evan raised his eyebrows. “Okay, maybe I’m not fine. But I’m not drunk enough to talk about feelings right now.”
Her friend nodded, turning around and leaning against a nearby tree. “You don’t have to.” Emma shook her head, downing her drink and instantly pouring herself another one. With shaky hands, she grabbed a hair tie from her wrist and tried to put her hair up in a bun which ended up looking rather messy. Evan watched the slightly drunk girl struggle for a minute. Then he sighed and grabbed Emma’s hand. “Let me do this.”
She sighed frustratedly and opened her hand, giving him the black hair tie. Evan got to work and started to braid her hair into a neat hairstyle. He then tied it up with the hair tie she gave him. Finally, Emma had a neat French Braid that Evan was happy with. “Done.” “How the fuck do you know how to do this?”
Both Slytherins turned around. Standing there was James Potter. “Sirius has been trying to get me to do their hair for weeks, but I can’t seem to get it right.” “I can teach you some day”, Evan offered, bringing a smile to the Gryffindor’s face. “Thank you so much, Evan, I’m beginning to see why Regulus keeps you around”
Evan laughed. “In fact, he’s actually my and Barty’s platonic husband, so you better treat him right, Potter.” Emma snorted at that but stayed silent and just took another sip from her drink. “Vanity.” James greeted her with a nod, which she returned. “You got a drink for me? I kind of lost mine somewhere over there. Although I believe Mary could have taken it.” “Yeah sure”, Emma said, already grabbing a glass, “You want wine or something else?”
She slurred her words a little, making the boys laugh. “Okay”, Evan said, “I will now be taking your wine, you had enough for a bit. Go drink some water and come back for it in like half an hour. Maybe then I will give it to you.” “Ugh, fine. You still want me to make you something, Potter?” “Sure.” “Red or white? I think Evan got us both. Somehow. With a bit of bribing.” “Red. And I’m just not gonna ask.” Emma poured him some red wine and handed him the full glass. “That’s probably for the best.”
“Guys, we wanna play Truth or Dare.” Emmeline came down to join them at the water. “Who’s we?” James looked at her a little doubtfully, considering the empty shot glass in her hand. “Me, Hestia, Regulus and Peter. Mary, Lily and Pandora are busy with something, Remus and Sirius have gone off somewhere and nobody dared to go look for them yet, and Barty and Marlene have somehow conjured his guitar and are now writing songs. Don’t ask. So? Wanna play?”
“Just one question. What the fuck happened to Dorcas?” “They kind of fell asleep at one of the tables? Don’t ask, Marlene is taking care of them. Since they can’t do that itself.” “Sounds totally safe, I’m in.” Evan set down his glass. Emma also nodded, James going along as well. “Great. We set up a bonfire and a few chairs behind some of the rocks over there. If you want to follow me?” “Sure.”
The group made their way to the others who had already put up some chairs for them. James immediately moved his to sit as close to Regulus as possible, making Peter laugh at him. “Don’t let Sirius see that, he’ll kill you.” James laughed. “I bet he’s too busy with his own boyfriend right now to care.” Hestia began giggling at that before signalling to Emmeline to sit down next to her. Emma and Evan took the remaining chairs and moved them a few metres, so that in total the chairs formed a circle around the fire place.
With a flick of his wand, Regulus started the bonfire. Peter pulled out a bottle from under his seat and quickly enchanted it to float. “Who wants to flip the bottle first?” “Me!” Evan jumped up and pushed the floating bottle. It spun a few times before landing on Emmeline. “So, Truth or Dare”, he asked. Emma watched her thinking for a hot minute before answering. “Truth.”
“So. Have you ever slept with someone in our year?” A short silence occur before Peter burst out laughing. Regulus followed him and just facepalmed at that question while Emmeline turned her head and stared Evan in the eyes. “What?”, he tried to defend himself, “it’s a good question, come on.” Emma laughed at her friend, reaching over to pat his shoulder. He looked around confused for some more time, until Hestia just silently raised her hand. “Oh. Oh.” “Yeah. Oh.” “Well, that’s awkward.” “And you’re very oblivious.” With that, Emmeline just raised her bottle of beer to her mouth and flicked her wand to spin the bottle again.
This time it landed on Peter. “Peter? Truth or Dare?” “Dare.” “Let’s make this a bit more fun. I dare you to kiss someone in this round. I don’t care who, you decide.” The girl leaned back, clearly enjoying the look of panic on Peter’s face. Emma silently prayed that it wouldn’t be her. Peter looked around, trying to decide what would be his best option. “James?” He asked, also seeking Regulus’ approval. He nodded, so James got up to save his friend by quickly kissing him on the lips.
They continued to play a few more rounds. When it was Hestia’s turn, she had to tell her most embarrassing teacher story (she accidentally called Professor Sprout “Mum”), Regulus had to down another shot of vodka (he hated it), Evan had to tell them his deepest secret (they all swore to never tell anyone), Emmeline had to perform a Beatles song (she chose Ask Me Why) and James had to jump into the Black Lake fully clothed.
Then it was Emma’s turn. “Vanity, Truth or Dare?” A still soaking wet James questioned, grabbing another sip of his drink. “Truth?” She wasn’t sure if she wanted to answer a truth, but the two people before her had already picked dare, so she didn’t want to. “When was the last time you ever had a crush on someone?”
Emma froze. At first, it felt like everything went slower, like time just stopped for a moment. She cleared her throat. “Never.” Her voice came out in a raspy whisper, throat closing up. “You can’t be serious, everyone of us had at least one crush, you can tell us!” Regulus immediately hit his boyfriend on the head. “James!”
“No, no, I get it.” Emma’s eyes started to tear up but she forced herself to take a few deep breaths. She didn’t want to cry in front of them. “I know I should have had a crush by now, I just haven’t. And I don’t think that I ever will. Like, ever.” She looked up, seeing a few confused faces. “Don’t say that, Ems”, Evan tried to comfort his friend, “You will find someone eventually.” “Yeah”, Peter added, “I used to think so too, but I found someone for me eventually. It just takes time for some people, but that’s nothing bad.”
She knew that they only tried to make her feel better about herself but instead she just felt more miserable. “No. I won’t. I literally can’t.” Her voice came out quavering a little, causing her to clear her throat. Emmeline smiled at her from across the bonfire. “That’s okay, you know that, right? Not everyone has to fall in love in their life.” Hestia also smiled at Emma now, nodding along to her girlfriend. The Slytherin nodded, trying to smile back but it looked obviously forced.
She squeezed her eyes shut, desperately holding back tears now. This caused Regulus to get up from his seat, walking up to Emma and wrapping his arms around her, pulling her up, so she was now hugging him. “Ssh, darling, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything else, we can just move on.” He ran his hand through her hair, tugging her closer to his chest.
Emma laughed at that motion, the alcohol fogging her her mind a little. “Move on?” “Yeah, we’ll do that. Do you want to continue to play?” The girl shook her head to try and sort her thoughts. “I’ll sit out for a few rounds but then I think I’m gonna join again.” She was still crying, but she was calmer now, still hugging her friend. Regulus just held her closer, whispering quiet reassurances in her ear. “Of course, darling.”
“Is she okay?”, James whisper-shouted at them, making Regulus nod. “She will be. Although we will have a word after this, Potter.” James gulped, but stayed silent. Evan took initiative and asked: “So, who’s next?” Emma thought for a second and then decided to just spin the bottle. It landed on Peter again. “Please no kisses this time.” Everyone laughed at that, turning the attention away from Emma and back to the game.
Regulus stayed with her for the next minutes, still holding her close, until she had calmed herself completely. Emma cuddled deeper into his arms, until she gave him a sign that it would be okay if he left. The boy then moved back to his boyfriend, taking the next dare.
Later that night, when they had packed the things away, tidied the bay and somehow managed to transfer all the drunk people back to their dorms, Emma was still sitting in the Slytherin common room by herself. Her friends had gone to bed already but she was still thinking about the question James had asked her earlier. Why was this such a hard topic for her? She was comfortable with her identity. She knew she was aromantic and she knew what that meant. And it was okay. Until she had to tell other people.
As soon as someone asked her about how she had never shown interest in boys (or girls or anyone else, but she was mostly asked about boys) or how she never talked about her plans to get married in the future, she just shut down, anxiety creeping up in her in fear of being perceived as unnatural. Because everybody should fall in love at some point, at least that’s what society tells everyone.
“Emma?” Her head instantly turned to the door. Stood there was Evan, with an unsure expression on his face. “Yeah” “I’m- I wanted- I just- I’m sorry.” He sat down next to her, fidgeting with the rings on his hand, not even daring to look her in the eyes. “I really just wanted to apologize for earlier. What we said at the bonfire, clearly made you upset. And that means, that we shouldn’t have said that, so I’m sorry.”
He softly smiled at her and she immediately smiled back. “It’s okay. My brain just gets weird whenever I talk about that kind of stuff, so it’s not your fault.” Emma laughed, even though her hands were shaking nervously. “You know, I never talk to people about that. I want to but I can’t without crying, so I just don’t talk about it because otherwise I would get embarrassed.”
“You should never feel embarrassed crying in front of us, Ems. We love you and we would never judge you for it. Do you-”, Evan paused, “Do you maybe want to talk to me about it? You don’t have to, of course, but maybe it helps with you brain.” He offered a hug to the girl and she immediately turned around, laying down while leaning against him, so that he could hug her from behind.
“I’ll just start ranting, okay?” “Fine with me.”
“Okay. I’m aromantic. And I’ve known that for, I don’t know? Maybe a few years. I guess somehow I always knew. This is the stuff that you just know, but you ignore it as long as you possibly can. Because you feel like you’re not supposed to be that way. And like something is wrong with you.
For me, being aromantic means that I don’t feel romantic attraction. I never will and I have no desire to do so. I would love to have someone by my side and have a relationship with someone who cares about me but I know that that isn’t fair to that someone. To trap them in a relationship with me even though I can’t ever reciprocate their feelings.”
“You know that queerplatonic relationships are a thing, right?” Evan interrupted his friend in a quiet voice. “I know. And maybe someday I will find someone who wants to date me in that way. Maybe not. But in the meantime, I’ll just be alone. And being aromantic is fucking isolating.” “Language.” “Sorry.”
“What I wanted to say is, that it’s really isolating. I see all my friends have crushes, fall in love and get into relationships. And I know that I will never feel that way. I don’t want to but I still kinda feel like I have to, because that’s the norm. You get told as a kid that someday you will find someone and marry them, maybe even have kids together. It’s always with a romantic partner. What if I just don’t want that?
On some days I even feel like I’m worth less of a person because of that. That’s tiring as hell. Especially as a woman. In our society, we are being reduced to our partners the whole time. Meaning, if I don’t have a partner, I am worth less considering to society. Even my own mum thinks I should get a husband when I’m older.
Also, I’m just aromantic, not asexual. But I would feel guilty, just sleeping with people. What if they catch feelings for me? What do I do then? It would feel like I would just use other people. Also, that would make things even more complicated if I got a partner someday. And I hate that.
And on top of that, many people don’t even believe that being aromantic is a real thing. You heard James’ reaction. It was not intentional, but he still invalidated my identity. So many people think that aromantic people are just late-bloomers or want to be special or stuff. But we’re not. We can’t just change the way we feel. Or our sexuality.”
Emma was at a loss of words. She wanted to say so much but she had explained the vast details to her friends and she didn’t want to be more of a bother. “Was that everything you wanted to tell me?” “I think so.” A short silence followed, until Evan just hugged Emma closer. “I love you, Ems. Always keep that in mind. You’re like the annoying little sister that I never had. And I don’t think as less of a person of you just because you don’t fall in love with people. And you don’t need that. Just look at how much fun you had today at the party. Okay, just the part where you weren’t having a mental breakdown. But still: You are our friend, aromantic or not.”
Emma had began crying again, this time because she finally felt understood. She was still shaking from anxiety, but Evan made her feel safe. He was her best friend and in that moment she realized that maybe her platonic love for people was enough. Maybe she didn’t need a romantic partner. Because she had her friends. Maybe being aromantic wasn’t even as isolating as she thought.
“Just so you know, Ems”, Evan instantly began taunting her as soon as she stopped crying and sleepily nuzzled deeper into his arms, “I will make it my quest to find you a platonic partner, whether you like it or not.” “You can be glad that I’m drunk and therefore not in the mood to fight, otherwise I would hit you right now.” “You would not.”
… “Yeah. You’re right. I also love you, you know? Platonically.” “I know.”
The end.