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Through thick and thin, good times and bad…
Then…
Papers here and there; a cup of iced coffee (both decaf and caffeinated) on their table; several pens, highlighters, and pencils sprawled everywhere. This is how Taeyong’s room could be pictured while he and his best friend, Doyoung, are studying for their college entrance exams. Yes, plural. The two of them have listed several options to go to—hoping only for the best so they could get the finest education system that they need.
Taeyong plans to take fine arts, while Doyoung wants to be a successful producer, hence, he has chosen communication arts as his course.
“I really suck at Math,” Taeyong exhales, closing his Math book before opening his sketchpad. Doyoung laughs at him, putting his own Math book on top of the elder’s table before suggesting, “Should I teach you? But, you’ll pay for lunch.”
“If, only if I pass at a university.”
To stop you drinking the Kool-Aid, and hold you when you’re sad;
A shoulder to cry on, a hoodie to wear;
Somebody to call up, just to let you know they care…
“I can’t believe she talked to me, alright! She was so so pretty, Doie!” Taeyong exclaimed, rolling on the bed because of the excitement that he feels caused by his first interaction with his first-ever crush. Doyoung laughed at him, thinking how silly his friend is—giggling because of a simple conversation with his crush.
They were six years old then, sharing Doyoung’s bed in his room, they’ve planned a simple sleepover—no bed forts, no campfires, marshmallows, nor a cup of hot chocolate. It was just them. Their stories. Their childhood.
Since they were three years old, they’ve always been together.
From having a childish battle of who could drink their vitamins faster, of who will have numerous stars in kinder, to their first exam in elementary. They were eight years old when Doyoung had his first crush. And when they were nine, they both had their first heartbreak. They have always been together since then, kudos to their parents who chose a good house, next to each other, which made them neighbors.
They both believed that they were the best pair—best friends forever and ever. They both believed they will be there for each other and even planned to live in a nursing home once they turned sixty. They both believed they will be each other’s umbrella for the storm, a shoulder to lean on, someone who’ll be there constantly—whenever, wherever, whatever, however.
I couldn’t reach you when I needed you the most;
When I asked you to come home, you said you’d rather dance alone…
Yet, life is meant to happen. And steal. And sometimes, let everything die.
Taeyong kept on dialing Doyoung’s number but to no avail. After the faint ringing comes an infuriating beep, followed by the younger’s voice, telling him to call back later, that he’s busy for a moment. Taeyong cursed, throwing his phone on the bed.
‘You can call me anytime. You know that I will be there when you need me, Yongie.’ Lies, Taeyong thinks. Where is he now that he needs him after getting rejected for the fifth time, applying for funding to carry out his art project? Nowhere.
That night, Taeyong fell asleep with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat.
Not knowing that Doyoung was staring blankly at his phone, drowned in alcohol, trying to numb his aching heart. Trying to take Taeyong off his mind, so he could follow his parent’s requests to get married.
We let the lines get blurry,
Now both of us are hurting
You knew I wasn’t ready
I’m too unsteady…
A year ago…
Six months had passed since their college entrance exam. Unfortunately, despite the numerous universities they attempted to get into, they passed on different schools, prompting them to get separated for college. However, the two didn’t really mind. After all, their universities will just be three cities away from each other, and, well, Doyoung has a car that his parents had gifted him for graduating—it was a hand down, yet it was enough for him to the point that it made him electrified upon having its key.
In those six months, a lot of things had changed. Taeyong had colored his hair pink. Doyoung has been busier than ever because of his duties in the student council. They don’t talk often like they used to; nevertheless, they would always try to reach each other, and make sure to give each other some time to connect, to rekindle their friendship, and to not forget to enjoy their youth.
Tonight is that time.
Taeyong had invited Doyoung to drink. They’d already finished their midterms exams, and the elder felt suffocated—he needed a breather. Thankfully, Doyoung’s schedule was also clear to give him some time. They could have a drink at night and even enjoy a scrumptious breakfast in the morning if the hangover doesn’t kick them badly. Then he could go home in the afternoon.
With all those listed as their plan, they started their get-together by buying several packs of ramen, tteokbokki, fried chicken, and a half dozen of soju (as if Taeyong would be able to last after several glasses, he has a low tolerance for alcohol). They then headed back to the elder’s apartment, steps light and burden-free, hearts elated to greet each other again.
A melodic song’s playing in the background while the two talk about their past hardships at the university. Taeyong’s story was mostly about how frustrated he was because of his professors who don’t really give a damn about art (take note, he’s an art student); Doyoung’s was about his unique and remarkable experiences in the student council.
One bottle of soju turned to two, to three—as the clock ticks a little slower than usual. As if the world is giving them the time to catch up, to break free from their worries, to recuperate while basking in each other’s warmth. Three bottles of soju would only mean one thing: they are already tipsy. Especially Taeyong. It might be one of the factors why after using the bathroom to pee, he settled himself not on the couch, but onto Doyoung’s lap. He then nonchalantly faced the younger, wrapped his arms around his neck, and kissed him right on the lips. As if it was the most natural thing they’d ever done together.
It isn’t. Doyoung even flinched upon feeling his friend’s lips on his. He was definitely clueless on what to do—since first, it is his first kiss; second, it is his best friend who was kissing him; third, and probably the worst part of it all, it is his best friend whom he liked, undoubtedly love, for twenty years now.
With all those thoughts running in his mind, Doyoung did what he does best. Fight back. Instead of drawing back, he pulled Taeyong closer by his waist, tightly tugging the hem of his shirt as he asserts dominance by nibbling the other lad’s lower lip which elicited a soft moan from Taeyong, making him open his mouth for the younger to taste the mixture of soju and tteokbokki in his tongue.
It was wrong, yet at that moment, all they could think of is how it felt right.
After their make-out session came blackness. Literally, to Taeyong who fainted in the younger’s embrace. Metaphorically, to Doyoung who felt clueless and lost on what step they should do next.
The terrifying bite of sunlight came in a flash the next morning. Doyoung felt someone stir beside him, arousing him from his slumber. When he looked at the time, it was just eight in the morning. Taeyong got up and headed to the bathroom without a word; Doyoung could feel his erratic heartbeat, almost as if he drunk some caffeinated drink.
Just when he thought they would talk about it over breakfast, Taeyong acted normal the whole time. Like the thing didn’t happen. Perhaps, it was really just a dream. However, upon seeing himself in front of the mirror, a hickey planted on his collarbone, anger seeps through his head. He rushed home then, not waiting for the afternoon to come, and even without saying a word to Taeyong.
From that day forward, Doyoung never answered his call again.
You gave me an ultimatum
You said verbatim,
“If you want me, take it all
Or you’ll never see my face again…”
Now…
Taeyong didn’t expect another call from Doyoung ever again. To be fair, the last time he called the younger was when his application for funds got rejected. He was even drunk then. And to say that Taeyong feels thrilled upon getting a call from him after several months would be a lie. He felt terrified, overwhelmed, and anxious—his emotions were basically all over the place.
Doyoung had asked him to meet up halfway. The young lad had picked a small pub in the city; and as expected of him, he has chosen a humble, somewhat serene, and neat place. Taeyong knows, it’s a perfect place to have a serious talk.
When Taeyong entered the pub, the other lad was already sitting on the corner of the place. Three empty bottles of beer were already placed on his table, and he looks somewhat far from the Doyoung he used to know. The younger looks thinner, his hair has grown a little longer, and the stars in his eyes were no longer there. Taeyong sat in front of him, taking the glass of alcohol from the younger’s hands, drinking it to quench his thirst and to calm his nerves. “How are you, Doie?”
“I’m not here for that, Taeyong.”
Taeyong knows. Of course, he does. After all, Doyoung had been avoiding, dismissing his call after that night. Maybe now is the time for him to explode and bring them to their inexorable doom. Taeyong leaned his back, preparing himself for it.
“Taeyong… I… I… I’m tired of… burying it deep inside me.”
“It has been…” Doyoung continues after taking several gulps from his drink, “It has been twenty years.”
“I first liked you when we were ten… without a proper reason, really. I just did. Because seriously, who doesn’t? Everyone likes you back then, you were the talk of every girl’s even boy’s mouth in our elementary school. You were… popular, so… so I thought, my feelings would just pass, that it will also die down. That perhaps, it was just… like... a moment to flow with a trend.”
Doyoung stopped for a moment to release a deep sigh. And while the silence engulfed them, Doyoung stared at the lad while the other played with the glass in front of him. “Even here… you can’t even look at me.”
Taeyong took a deep breath. A gulp. Then he looked at his friend straight in the eye to simply utter an apology. He doesn’t exactly know for what. He just felt like he had to.
Upon hearing the words ‘I’m sorry’ from his friend's lips, Doyoung felt like his heart was about to burst from pain. The ache is surely far from his first heartbreak back when they were still young. Taeyong breaking his heart is deeply agonizing. Like no alcohol, hugs, and pain relievers could help him to feel numb.
“For all the times, Taeyong… 27 years of friendship… did you ever like me more than friends?”
Taeyong remained tight-lipped. It was as if his voice were taken away from him.
“Taeyong,” Doyoung calls him once more, reiterating his question, “Did you ever like me more than friends?”
Yet, again, the younger’s question was only met with silence. “I can’t stay friends with you, Yong…” Doyoung weeps, biting his lower lip right after. “Not when I love you too much, I could feel my heart ache just by the sight of your eyes.”
Doyoung rises on his feet then, and right before he walk passed Taeyong’s side, he asked again, “For the last time, Yong… among the days of our twenty-seven years, did you ever like me more than friends?”
That night, the sound of the bell on the door came louder than Taeyong’s heartbeat.
And for Doyoung, his silence was more than enough.
Guess I’ll never see your face again…
Baby, we finally reached the end.
After Doyoung left, all Taeyong could do was drink the rest of the alcohol that was left on their table. And as he ponders, he realized he actually knows very well how much he loves Doyoung. He knows it so well, he’s willing to give up on his feelings even before he could start things with his greatest person.
And for some, it might look akin to cowardice, but for him, it is his act of bravery.
He knows Doyoung so well, alright—up to the deepest part of the younger’s core. Thus, he knows exactly what his friend deserves.
And as of the moment, and perhaps for the next few years that is about to come, it isn’t him. And will never be.
We were never really friends…
Flashbacks…
It certainly didn’t take Doyoung a long time to realize that he has fallen in love with his best friend. They were ten years old then, albeit some may say that it wasn’t love yet—for him it was. The feelings that he had for Taeyong at that time were far more deep, intense, and definitely real.
They were just lying on his bed that perfectly sunny day when he had a hard battle with his own feelings. He realized that it wasn’t just familiarity when Taeyong scooted closer to his side and he felt his heart beating much faster than usual; and to say that there were butterflies in his stomach would be an understatement, too. There was a zoo inside of him—both tummy and mind; and feeling frantic about it, he quickly gets off the bed and ran towards the kitchen, asking his mother for some water. “I don’t feel very nice!”
After a week, he has come to terms with his own feelings. And, for him, it wasn’t so bad to accept it since he knows that Taeyong deserves to be loved.
Taeyong. He was more hard-headed. At first, whenever he would feel elated at the sight of Doyoung, casually reading in the library, he would think of it as happiness seeing his best friend. For all the times that he would go to lengths, making sandwiches for Doyoung, he would defend his actions by saying that it was normal. That waking up at four in the morning, preparing a sandwich for about two hours—perfecting it—was normal. That feeling his blood rushing to his head whenever Doyoung compliments him for making the sandwich exceptional and delicious was the most natural thing to feel.
It took him thirty books from the libraries, million subtle touches, and perhaps hundreds of sandwiches to realize that it wasn’t the case.
It was nighttime then, they were in college, Doyoung brought coffee for Taeyong while he was busy working on his thesis. Despite being three cities, a hundred kilometers away—his best friend, Doyoung, drove to buy and give him coffee. A beverage that he could simply order when he wants to. Seeing his wide gummy smile, feeling his warm embrace, and hearing his compliments made him realize that he was immensely in love with Doyoung.
He fell in love even deeper the day he was painting a blue whale—a requested commission of one of his batch mates—he hasn’t seen Doyoung for three months then, but the whale triggers his memory of his friend, telling him about whales, and how he sees himself as one of them. “They are bright, understanding, and very much protective!”
And Taeyong, he couldn’t agree more. He knows exactly how wise Doyoung is, could tell everyone with his mouth shut how his friend is the most patient person in the world, and well, Doyoung is very protective. And caring—he decided to add it as one of his traits that perhaps whales do not have.
He remembers that one night he was running with a high fever, and despite having his final exam the next day (take note, it was a crucial requirement for their subject), Doyoung drove to his apartment—three cities be damned—wanting to assure him that he has someone to be with him. He failed the subject then, retook it again. Yet, from then onwards, Taeyong never heard any complaints and regrets about it from him. Doyoung just simply believes that he has to be there by his best friend’s side.
So, how could he not fall in love with him?