Work Text:
It was the plan since the beginning… Right after Papa left it became a thought, when Arthur followed it became an option, and when Alfred forgot… It became a promise. At first the thoughts were scary, just thinking about what I had to do send me back to position A where nothing was clear and everything was new. Now is not difficult to imagine what I have to do, in fact, it’s easier to think about the consequences.
The wind felt nice against my skin, the cold artic air filling up my lungs with its icy temperature that send most of the people inside to a cozy blanket and maybe a fireplace. For a moment I stopped to think about those days… Days in which the urge to go according to plan did not appear, days in which Gilbert’s company was what let me stand on earth, living, breathing, surviving.
It was days like those I was going to miss the most… After all how many people could have the opportunity to talk so freely about suicide without being judge? It was a miracle the other felt the same way, but unlike him, I had a more creative way of signing off the face of the earth. He used to say I spend too much time over thinking it, that I should just do it when the opportunity presented itself and maybe he was right, but it did not matter anymore.
A few days after my last visit to Gilbert’s house he jumped out of his apartment window which was on the 25nd floor a few days before his birthday. I was not surprise when I got the news, I did offer my sincere condolence to his brother though, after all, I was not about to tell him I already knew his brother was going to do that and not do a fucking thing about it.
You would think something like that would shake you up, make you wake up and realize “hey, dying is not the best solution for this shit,” but it ended up encouraging me to follow next. After all, the only person who understood my pain was long gone.
“Matthew, you can’t do this!” The voice of a very familiar, and angry, English man yelled at me somewhere inside my mind, at first I thought it was my consciousness finally waking up and taking action, but as it soon became clear, it was just my phone which I had answered on speaker mode.
“Matt, bro, please….” Followed up after Arthur tried yelling, a plea from a very heartbroken American, Alfred.
“My dear, please, listen…” Francis’ voice broke through, making me take a step back from the edge of the roof top. No, not now… I’m so close to ending everything. As I look towards the horizon the smiling face of a certain white haired man appears in the sky, his eyes pleading me to come home, to please just finally go. Some people might say I saw the wrong thing, but being the only one understanding him, I knew what he wanted.
“It’s too late to listen now,” I whispered into the speaker, slightly enjoying the way all of them stopped talking after that. Doing one last thing, I send the three of them the email I had carefully written a few years ago, back when hope was nothing but a dream and life was meaningless and absurd. As you can see I had everything planned out for years now.
Now thinking about it as I stand so close to the end, the way I am breaking the news to then sounds more like I want to hope more, hope for a better life… As I step back on to the ledge, I wonder if I still want to hope for something better… I find out I do want to, but my body and mind are too tired to go through another round of beating ups and face palming of what life has giving me.
“Papa…”
The phone is still on speaker mode and I’m sure they have not hang up, not yet anyways, not until they are sure I won’t back down at the last minute. Hope is such a cruel emotion to humans….
“Arthur…”
“Alfred…”
I think of hope once more, what would it feel to walk down and go back home, to get help and get better…
In the end, I left…
I feel the force of the wind as I rush down to the street below; I’m glad I am not looking down; after all I am a bit scared of heights, but this… This feels nice.
“Gilbert….”
I can hear people screaming below, their scared voices rushing towards me as I rush to the end. I open my eyes and find myself looking back at bright brown ones, so bright you can mistake them for red. He smiles as we fall, his hair flying back as gravity rushes us to the ground literally to plant our feet into reality.
Reality…
A place I lived in once before, a place I chose to leave behind.
“Papa…”
“Arthur…”
“Alfred…”
Somehow I can still hear, but everything aches… Everything hurts…
“Just let go Matthew…” A soft voice tells me, a familiar voice, a beautiful voice.
“Let’s go home.”
I open my eyes and I see what everyone else says they see, my life, the people I’ve met, the things I’ve done. I see Francis, Arthur, Alfred, Gilbert… I see them all and I feel an uncomfortable ache, a tremendous ache at the sight of my family and friends for one last time.
“I love you…” I whisper as they pass by, time moving on to catch up to what is now my fading reality. A few seconds later and all shuts down, the screen of memories goes pitch dark, and I am left alone in solitude and darkness. Is this it? Am I to be trap here for the rest of eternity?
“Come out already, I’m not going to wait for you all freaking eternity.”
A voice, a familiar voice… Scrambling to my feet I run for it, my pulse pounding inside my head as I go out for the first time to a new light, a bright light, blinding light that makes me wonder where the hell am I. A warm touch forces me to look away; a bright and cheerful smile greets me.
“Is nice to see you Matthew,” Gilbert says with eyes full of happiness once again. I smile back, my heart feeling at ease for once.
And so I stay with him, I stay happy, I stay sane.
I cannot help but think of them, of my last letter to them… I send each and every one of them the same letter in different forms… The way I knew they would like it the most.
“Papa…”
“Arthur…”
“Alfred…”
“Do not cry… It is I who chose this.”
“And I could not be any happier than I am now if I had stayed.”
“I know I left you wondering what drove me to do this, what was the reason to throw a life of fighting and surviving away in such a quick and horrible way. I cannot start to explain what the reason was and I hope you understand when I tell you that my reason behind leaving has nothing to do with any of you.”
“To tell the truth I owe every one of you an apology for leaving so sudden… And I owe the world to you as well since you are the ones who guided me through it until I had to do it myself. I guess I was never meant to go against the world like you all did.”
“In the end what I’m trying to say is much more simply said in two words, two words than not many of us say anymore, two words over used by the people around us.”
“Thank you”
-Matthew Williams
October 22nd 2009, a 26 year old man with white blond hair and brown eyes jumps from the 25th floor of the apartment building in the city of Mississauga, causes are unknown, investigation is on-going. Funeral service will be held in Saint Matthew’s Church the 10th of August in Toronto.
-Mississauga, Ontario, Canada.
October 29th 2009, a 25 year old man with blond hair and blue eyes jumps from the top of a 30 floor apartment building in the city of Toronto, causes are unknown. Family is left with a letter, a phone tape, and a video of the man before his death; family denies the access to this things. Funeral service will be held in Saint Matthew’s Church the 10th of August in Toronto.
-Toronto, Ontario, Canada.