Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I

∞

“Hyung, hurry up!” Howon hears Myungsoo whine from outside the classroom, and he’s tempted to take his time putting his notebook back in his bag just to piss him off. His classmates had filed out minutes ago, and Bora waves at him goodbye (he sorts of gapes there like an idiot) and Howon slings his bag over his shoulder.

Climbing down the steps, Howon’s just managed to reach the landing when his best (unfortunately) friend’s head pops in and glares at him.

“What?”

Myungsoo squints his eyes. “Hurry up!”

“Need I remind you that I am your hyung?”

“Need I remind you that I did your Humanities project?”

Myungsoo’s got a point, but Howon won’t admit it (as always), so he just rolls his eyes and strides out of the room.

It’s a bright, sunny day and Howon briefly closes his eyes as sunlight peeps at him through the leaves of the trees that dot the campus lanes. Students mill about, running from classroom to classroom, others lounging on stone benches and chatting. He sees a few run across the soccer field not too far from them, a soccer ball hurtling through the air. Instructors sweep across the grounds and he greets a few of them as he and Myungsoo walk towards the cafeteria. It was a quarter to noon and he was feeling a bit hungry. He still had two back-to-back classes in the afternoon, and every minute of his lunch break was going to be spent in peace and digestive fullness.

Howon glances at Myungsoo, who is sporting a dorky grin on his face — a grin that looks mismatched on the long nose, the thin lips and the pretty features on the visual arts major’s face.

“You’re awfully excited for lunch.”

“Sunggyu-hyung’s eating with us!”

Howon makes a face. “He’s always eating with us, what’s to be excited about?”

A girl cuts past them and Myungsoo jabs him in the side. Howon does not giggle like a nervous hen.

(The girl’s expression of surprise as she looks at him tells Howon otherwise)

“Can’t I be excited that I’m having lunch with my boyfriend?”

“Gee, nice way to make your bestfriend feel, basically being ignored while you make out with Sunggyu,” Howon sneers and he watches the red splash across Myungsoo’s face. Myungsoo and Sunggyu (literature major/rock band vocalist, upperclassman, hamster) have been dating for around two months and Myungsoo still has yet to shed that first love glow that’s been annoying Howon for the past weeks.

He silently curses Kim Sunggyu (and imagines pricking voodoo dolls).

“Ew, hyung, no. Didn’t know you get off watching us.”

Howon purposefully bumps Myungsoo with his shoulder into hitting a nearby column. His bestfriend squawks as his textbook falls to the floor. Howon snickers.

Just another day in Howon’s life.

∞

Plopping his bag down on the wooden bench, Howon waves at Sunggyu sitting across him. Myungsoo, grinning, literally attaches himself to Sunggyu’s hip as the pair smile at each other (ugh) all lovey-dovey. It’s sickening, actually.

Howon grabs his wallet and makes to stand when Sunggyu turns to him and grabs his wrist. “I had Woohyun buy us food.”

Howon groans, sitting back down and hitting his head against the table. Great, just great. Such a good way to ruin his day: bring in Nam friggin’ Woohyun.

Nam Woohyun, another literature major and Sunggyu’s bestfriend (of sorts; Howon still remembers Sunggyu throwing a microphone at Woohyun’s face). Nam Woohyun, the lead guitarist in Sunggyu’s band. Nam Woohyun, with the flocks of fangirls (and fanboys) chasing after him like some K-pop idol, screaming at him to take them then and there (Howon shudders at the memory). Nam Woohyun, who is outrageously charming and disgustingly flirty. Nam Woohyun, with the eye-smiles, the winks, the insufferable smirks and the washboard abs he so loves to show off during performances.

Howon prays for the ground to eat him whole.

“Is Dongwoo-hyung coming, too?” Myungsoo asks. Howon still has his face mushed against the table.

“Mmhmm, he’s with Woohyun. I think that’s them, already.” Sunggyu responds and Howon groans again (so what if he’s twenty-two? He can be immature when he wants to). The only silver lining in this situation was Dongwoo, who was an education major, and even though Dongwoo has this tendency to be a little bit, well, slow and a little too childish, he wasn’t as infuriating as Woohyun (or his face, to be honest).

If bad comes to worse, the best Howon could do was fling Woohyun at Dongwoo and let the two entertain each other like a couple of hyper puppies.

He hears Myungsoo greet one of them and Howon still refuses to take off his face against the table. Someone sits next to him a little too closely, and he can already guess who when the overpowering smell of cologne hits his nostril.

He reaches out a hand and pushes at them, muttering “go away, go away.”

A hand grabs his and Woohyun locks their fingers together. “Don’t be like that, baby. You’ll hurt my feelings.”

Howon raises his head and hopes that Woohyun feels the lasers blasting out of his eyes right now. “You are despicable.”

Woohyun chuckles and grins cheekily at him, still not letting go of his hand. Howon makes a motion to pull it away but Woohyun has a strong grip.

“Come on, darlin’, stop teasing me.” Woohyun coos, making an exaggerated expression on his face.

“Would you like me to tease you with my fist?”

“Didn’t know you were into that, baby. Kinky.”

Sunggyu groans from across them. Howon turns to him. “This is your fault.”

Sunggyu frowns. “How is that my fault?”

“Because he’s your bestfriend and he’s obviously from hell, like your boyfriend there.” Howon points with his chin at Myungsoo, who was already half-way with his first slice of pizza.  Myungsoo doesn’t even bother to reply to Howon’s snark.

Dongwoo just laughs, all giggly and child-like, like the overgrown puppy that he is and bites into his cheeseburger.

Woohyun loses his grip on Howon’s hand — just as Howon is about to pull a fast one on him — Woohyun takes Howon’s face and turns it to him. “Stop ignoring me for Sunggyu-hyung, baby. I’m hotter.”

Howon blinks. He just blinks.

Woohyun grins again, eyes glinting.

He raises his fist.

Woohyun’s eyes widen.

Dongwoo grabs Howon’s raised fist.

“Stop the violence, children,” and Dongwoo’s lowering Howon’s hand to the table.

Sunggyu bursts into full laughter.

Howon hates his life.

∞

With their stomachs more or less full, Howon’s decidedly less pissed-off and annoyed at Woohyun (and everyone else in general). Myungsoo and Sunggyu are doing that thing couples do where they’re with them, but at the same time, manage to be in their own little world — cue Myungsoo giggling as Sunggyu whispers in his ear as they watch something on Sunggyu’s tablet. Even Woohyun’s less overboard with his flirting, wrapped in a discussion with Dongwoo about a class they share.

Howon’s about to pull out his earpods, kind off weirded out by Myungsoo and Sunggyu’s display, when he feels someone’s breath on his earlobe and he stills. The couple in front of him looks up and stares at him.

“Oh, God…” Howon hears himself mutter.

Then, Woohyun whispers (low, velvety and sexy as fuck), “Hey, hottie.”

He bites his lips and places his hand on Woohyun’s thigh — which has been knocking his relentlessly for the past thirty minutes. He spreads his hand out and smooths it upwards and he can feel Woohyun grin against his earlobe. The pervert.

Dongwoo’s looking at them, wide-eyed. Myungsoo’s staring at him, a frown marring his impeccable features. Even Sunggyu looks weirded out.

“Uh…” Myungsoo starts.

Howon still hasn’t spoken anything, still biting his lips and still hasn’t turned to look at Woohyun.

The infuriating asshole whispers again. “Guess I could add public groping to your list of kinks, huh?”

Howon finally smiles and grabs Woohyun’s thighs, fingers digging into the muscles. Tight.

And Howon knows he’s a twenty-two year-old psychology major, but hey, he can’t be faulted if he can’t breathe from laughing at the way Woohyun screams (“MOTHERFU—“) like a girl and almost heaves the table upward, his soda spilling across his shirt. Yep, Howon still got it.

∞

U asshole. Woohyun texts him later that day. The number is unregistered on his phone, but Howon recognizes it anyway. Receiving fifty flirtatious texts every day isn’t something Howon will forget (unfortunately) in the near future.

^__^ Howon replies.

I almost stopped liking u. but ur hot, so its ok.
ur still an asshole.

Howon rolls his eyes at the message. His fingers move, typing in a response when Sungjong interrupts him.

“Is that Woohyun-hyung?” The high school student asks, raising an eye-brow. Howon mutters a distracted “yeah” as he replies.

Would you like my fist more, or maybe even a unit in grammar and punctuation? Frankly, yours
is horrible.

Sungjong is quiet as Howon snickers to himself as Woohyun replies immediately.

Ur fist, obv. I can think of sth we can do with ur fist :p :p

Disgusting and depraved, but what else can I expect from
a mutt like you?

A hot boyfrned nd lots of sex?

Why am I even bothering to respond to you?

Becuz were meant 2 BEEE!!! Ur the whoopee stick 2 my ham wallet!!

Howon blinks. He looks up at Sungjong through the Skype video chatbox.

“What’s—“

“Thank you for noticing that I am here, hyung.” Sungjong cuts in, face passive, voice even and calm. Howon gulps, already hearing the faint bell chimes of death overhead.

“Sorry?”

Sungjong continues to stare, eyes unblinking and Howon seriously fears for his life now. Why the hell did he ignore Sungjong? That was suicide!

Then, Sungjong sighs. “I’ll let this go, for now. What were you going to say?”

“I was gonna ask you if you know what “a whoopee stick to my ham wallet” is.”

Sungjong’s other eyebrow rises and joins its brother. “Hyung, is that Woohyun-hyung?”

Howon nods. Sungjong finally blinks. “You are a disgusting human being for having that conversation, hyung.”

“What?”

Sungjong rolls his eyes, and even though he’s three-hundred twenty-five kilometers away in Busan, Howon can still feel the judging all the way in Seoul.

“Just Google it, and tell Myungsoo-hyung I said hello. I cannot have this conversation sober.”

Then Sungjong leaves the video. Howon blinks, wondering what the hell just happened.

∞

Howon Googles “whoopee stick to my ham wallet” and realizes it’s a verse of a song. He opens the link. He reads the rest of the song.

He texts Woohyun.

FUCK YOU, YOU DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT.

Not a minute later, Woohyun replies.

Anytime, babe. Anytime ^^

∞

“He’s infuriating, and disgusting, and perverted and he just drives me insane.” Myungsoo makes a non-committal sound as Howon continues to rant across the living room. He’s pacing around the room, irritation from Woohyun’s latest flirting-more-like-harassing attempt on him and he’s just about had it here before exploding.

Myungsoo’s on the couch, bare feet against the armrest and his head against the other, and there’s an open bag of chips on his chest as he catches up on Tokyo Ghoul.

“I mean, he’s always so annoying with his ‘hey there, baby’ and his ‘come on, I know you want it, sexy’ and it’s just really, really pissing me off! Don’t even get me started on him and his face and that thing where he makes his eyes smile! Eyes don’t smile, okay, and they certainly don’t wink a lot like he’s got some bug shoved into his eyeball. Pfft, and then there’s him flashing his abs all the freaking time and it’s gritting on my nerves how those stupid fangirls just scream and push up their boobs and they—“

Howon turns to Myungsoo, pausing mid-rant to stare at the younger. There’s a beat of silence, and then Myungsoo looks up from his phone, turns to him.

Howon levels a glare that can make even Sunggyu shit his pants at the photographer. “You’re not listening to me.”

Myungsoo furrows his brows. “Yes, I was.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“Yes, I was!”

“What was the last word I said?”

“Weren’t! There! See? I listened.” Myungsoo counters, grinning smugly to himself.

Howon sighs, makes a face, closes the distance between him and Myungsoo and grabs the latter’s phone. He ignores the squawk of protest and turns it off. “Hinami’s mom dies, Touka kills Mado, Kaneki and Amon eyefuck each other, the end. Now, listen to me.”

Myungsoo pouts, put off at the spoilers. “Well, that sucks. I liked Ryouko.”

“Whatever, go read fanfics about it later,” Myungsoo’s eyes light up. “but let’s deal with my problem first.” Myungsoo deflates.

“What’s the deal? You obviously like him or you wouldn’t be acting this bothered.” Myungsoo snaps, stuffing his face with chips.

Howon pauses and stares at Myungsoo.

Myungsoo frowns at him, managing to speak somehow. “Wha?”

“What do you mean ‘like him’?” Howon asks.

“You know, you like Woohyun-hyung. It’s kinda obvious, hyung. You look like you could kill someone whenever Woohyun shows his abs to his fangirls.”

Howon stands. He liked Woohyun? No way, no, no, no, no, nosirree. There was no way. No literal way he could like, let alone tolerate, that—that—that—

“I can’t like him! What the fuck are you talking about, me liking Woohyun? There is no freaking way I can ever like—“ Howon makes a motion, unable to fully describe the devil spawn that is Nam Woohyun.

Myungsoo shrugs, looks away and resumes eating. “Whatever, hyung.”

Howon resumes pacing, refusing to even entertain the thought that he found Woohyun likeable. I mean, yes, the older man was attractive. Howon had to give him that, he wasn’t blind. And yeah, when Woohyun was smiling, he does look a lot younger and a lot cuter when he isn’t smirking or smoldering and Woohyun also has this thing where he falls asleep during lunch and when Dongwoo wakes him up, his face makes this scrunched-up expression and his eyes blink blearily and it’s cute and Howon won’t deny—

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Frickity frackity fuck.

“No, no. I cannot like him, Myungsoo. I cannot like him.” He barks, his voice growing louder and distressed. Myungsoo turns to him, a little worried.

“What’s the problem, hyung? There’s nothing wrong with liking him.”

“No, everything is wrong if I start liking him and I cannot so please let go of the idea and never bring it up.” Howon responds, and he’s feeling really uncomfortable right now and Woohyun’s goddamn face keeps popping up in his thoughts, smiling and smirking and laughing and winking and his (low, sexy as fuck) voice keeps tickling Howon’s ears and—

He can’t deal with this.

“I can’t deal with this. I cannot deal with this. I cannot.”

Myungsoo sits up. “Hyung, don’t overreact. The world isn’t ending just because you like Woohyun-hyung.”

“No, no, no, no.” Howon mutters as he grabs his shoes and puts them on. Myungsoo breathes out exasperatedly.

“Hyung, stop overreacting.”

“Your face is overreacting!”

Myungsoo blinks, a tad insulted. Howon pockets his phone and wallet.

“Hyung, stop being immature—“

“Your face is immature!”

Myungsoo’s jaw drops. Howon grabs the door and opens it.

“Hyung! This is something we should talk about!”

“Your face is something we should talk about!” Howon barks, and slams the door shut behind him. Myungsoo continues to stare in shock.

∞

“I don’t like him. I actually hate him.”

“You’ve been standing there for the past ten minutes, repeating the same thing.” Sungyeol shoots back as the tall man calls out for the owner of the caramel mocha he’s finished preparing.

Howon glares at him. He’s been doing that a lot, but his friends are idiots and Howon feels that it’s his right to be all glare-y for now. Sungyeol takes one look at him, snorts and turns his back to prepare the next order.

 “You seem down, Howon. Anything I can help?” Howon turns and sees the cashier, Miyoung, smile at him.

“If by help, you mean have Eiffel tower here actually listen to me, then I’ll gladly accept.” Howon answers, thumb pointed towards Sungyeol, who still has his back turned to Howon. He hears another snort.

“Don’t listen to him, Mi. He’s just in denial.”

Miyoung’s eyes widen, curious. Howon’s hand itches to throw a straw at Sungyeol. So much for friends and keeping secrets. “Denial about what?”

Sungyeol turns, a sneaky grin on his lips. “Well, Howon here has a little attraction problem—“

“If you don’t shut up, I’ll attract your face to the counter.” Sungyeol ignores him.

“With who, Howon?” Miyoung asks, still curious. Howon likes Miyoung well enough, and she has this pretty smile that can instantly melt your heart, but he would really like for her to drop the subject now.

“Yes, with who, Howon? Who was it again?” Sungyeol says after calling for the order’s owner. He folds his arms across the counter and his cheeky grin reminds Howon so much of Myungsoo’s that his irritation spikes.

“No one. Sungyeol’s just being an idiot. Again.” Howon mutters through gritted teeth. Sungyeol snorts (godfuckingdamnit) again and turns away. Miyoung chuckles, eyes forming into that eye-smile she’s kind of known for around the café and — okay, fuck. He’s now thinking about someone else with eyes that smile and Howon tells himself it’s not Woohyun.

“It’s no—“

“Woohyun!” Sungyeol barks and both Howon and Miyoung jump at the loudness of his voice. Howon feels his eyes bulging as he glares at Sungyeol, seriously considering punching the guy in the face when he realizes that Sungyeol wasn’t teasing him but looking past him, to the door and—

Seriously? Howon thinks, back still turned to the door, as he feels arms wrap around his waist and a chin settle on his shoulder.

“Hey, babe.” Woohyun says, a grin in his voice and Sungyeol snorts (one more time, Sungyeol, one more time!) as Miyoung looks at all of them, confused. “Missed me?”

Howon pushes his elbow into Woohyun’s ribs and he lets a vindictive smile come up on his lips as Woohyun bowels over, groaning in pain. He turns, smirks at Woohyun before looking up and waving at Dongwoo, who was still by the door.

“Hi, hyung.” He says, mood suddenly light as Woohyun stands back up, giving Howon the stink-eye.

Serves him right.

∞

Howon’s sudden good mood continues to persist, even when Dongwoo manages to rope him into joining him and Woohyun at their table. Woohyun, perhaps experiencing a bout of intelligence (and wariness at Howon’s elbow), has thankfully kept his usual irritating self silent, choosing to grin at him instead. It wasn’t unusual, for Woohyun to be quiet. There are days when Woohyun isn’t up to being his usual, annoying self and just sit quietly by the side, grinning at him from time to time. Like some loon.

It would have annoyed Howon, but he ignores it and continues chatting with Dongwoo. He’s a twenty-two year-old psychology major, who is considerably good in his discipline. It doesn’t matter that he just had an immature argument with Myungsoo hours ago, he’s still mature.

(Even in his imagination, he could hear Sungyeol snort).

He’s good, he’s okay. He’s calm. He still got it.

That was until Dongwoo looks at his watch, stands and says goodbye, running to class.

“Take care of Woohyunnie, Howon. Don’t fight!” Dongwoo says, smile bright and Howon cannot find it in him to shoot Dongwoo down, not when the guy was smiling like Howon had saved his puppy from getting run over by a car.

Then Dongwoo’s gone and it’s just Howon and Woohyun at the table and suddenly his good mood is slowly dwindling down the drain.

He sighs loudly, intent on letting Woohyun know how annoyed he is, when he opens his eyes and sees Woohyun peering at him, a pensive look across his face.

Howon’s brow rises. “What?”

Woohyun’s expression doesn’t budge at Howon’s irritated tone, doesn’t even turn into that cheesy, exaggerated smile he does when he’s up to annoying Howon by flirting and touch him.

“Why do you hate me?”

Howon frowns. “What are you talking about?”

At this, Woohyun bites his lips and looks away and—fine, fine, fine. Woohyun is attractive. He’s attractive in the way that he can go from drop-dead gorgeous to adorable and cute by just biting his lips, ducking his head down and letting his flop of hair cover his eyes. He’s attractive and Howon knows that, because he’s not blind and he knows a good-looking guy when he sees one (his bestfriend, for one, no matter how angry he still is at Myungsoo) and Woohyun isn’t anything different.

Woohyun’s attractive, and even though he’s a bit shorter than Howon (and Howon’s always been on the shorter side, but hey, his body and his dance skills and his face totally makes up for it), that has never diminished his attractiveness. Sure, there are days where Woohyun looks stellar and amazing — days when he performs, sweat dotting his forehead, smile wide and open as he sings along to Sunggyu, eyeliner in place — and there are days where he doesn’t really look as good — exams, whenever Sunggyu and him fight; his eyes grow dim and although he still looks attractive, there’s no life, no zest to his attractiveness…

Not like when he’s teasing Howon, when he’s grinning and smirking as he wraps his arms around Howon and whispers in the psychology major’s ears, not when there’s that small smile he sometimes shoot at Howon over lunch, or across hallways…

It doesn’t matter that Woohyun’s pout does things to Howon’s body, things like his hands itching to grab his cheeks, pull him close and lay a big, fat one—

The point is that Woohyun’s attractive and Howon isn’t blind and he’s just accepting that as fact.

Howon coughs, feeling his cheeks burn as Woohyun looks up at him, frowning.

“I don’t hate you,” He finally says. He feels uncomfortable saying it, because he’s not used to talking about what he feels, more so when it’s someone like Nam Woohyun sitting across from him.

Now that he thinks about it, Howon isn’t even sure if he hated Woohyun. Yes, the literature major was annoying, that was a given. He was annoying and infuriating and he constantly gets on Howon’s nerves. He makes lewd jokes and passes at him, never fails to grope him somehow and it always made Howon want to punch the man in the face but hate him? Howon’s never thought about it before, but now that he does, he realizes he’s never hated Nam Woohyun.

Nam Woohyun with his dark hair and even darker eyes. Nam Woohyun with that small, sharp nose and those pouting lips and those collarbones and—

“I don’t hate you.” Howon repeats, pushing his traitorous thoughts back into the deep, dark crevice they came from (his hypothalamus, the inner psychology major in him says). He crosses his arms across his chest, and even though it would seem like his words and body language may contradict each other, Howon doesn’t particularly care right now. He doesn’t feel comfortable at all.

Woohyun is still frowning. “Then—why? You know I’m just kidding when I do that, right?”

Howon knows that. Howon knows that. Howon even insists that he knows that — he’s been telling himself, Myungsoo and anyone else that would listen that Woohyun was just playing him up and that Howon knows it was nothing but teasing and fun for Woohyun.

He knows, but for some reason, for some odd reason he really doesn’t want to explore right now — Howon feels his stomach plummet.

“Yeah, ‘course,” Howon says, still frowning. He didn’t eat anything bad, didn’t drink anything funny. “It’s whatever.”

Woohyun then grins. “So, that settles it? You really don’t hate me?”

Howon takes a moment before responding. His stomach is still doing somersaults and he feels like going home. “Yeah…wasn’t anything serious. Whatever.”

Howon ignores it.

It’s whatever.

Re:

EDIT: Can we just all stare at the this perfect, adorkable mutt that is Nam Woohyun. I can't. 

Chapter Text

Myungsoo doesn’t even look at him when Howon gets home that night. He’s on the living room floor, his laptop open in front of him, surrounded by piles and piles of paper, photos and books. He turns when Howon opens the door, recognizes it’s him before turning his nose up and back to his laptop.

The smell of food wafts past his nose and Howon looks toward the kitchen area and sees two take-away boxes sitting on the table. He glances between the food and Myungsoo, who is still on the floor and still ignoring him.

Howon can literally feel the “I am ignoring you” written in invisible text hanging in the air.

He closes the door behind him and drops his bag on the seat nearest to him. Taking off his shoes, he slowly walks to where Myungsoo is still sitting on the floor. Howon’s pretty sure that the visual arts major isn’t reading anymore, not when he’s not even looking at the laptop screen. His head is bowed, and he’s picking with one of the keys on his laptop keyboard and Howon feels like grinning at how Myungsoo is just so adorable (which Howon will never admit).

He drops down behind the younger one and wraps his arms around him, head resting against Myungsoo’s nape. The position is uncomfortable for Howon in more ways than one, more than the feeling of his knees digging into the hard floor. He’s never been comfortable with touching people — a pat on the back, an arm around the shoulder, a high-five — Howon could do that but when people hugged him too long, held his arm too long, it made him feel uneasy.

It was the same when he first realized that Myungsoo loves to touch. He loves to touch, to hold, to cuddle and he remembers the way he pulled himself out of Myungsoo’s grip and the image of Myungsoo’s confused, slightly hurt expression flashes in his thoughts. He had explained to Myungsoo about how weird it makes him feel and Myungsoo had smiled (that dimpled smile he gives to only him and Sunggyu) at him, forgiven without even having to ask for it.

It’s still the same now. He still feels weird when he holds Myungsoo close like this — but this is Myungsoo, this is his bestfriend and even though he’s annoying and stubborn and has a heart too big for his own good, Howon still loves him to the ends of the earth and back.

Of course, he’ll never admit it.

(He doesn’t have to, Myungsoo probably already knows.)

He feels Myungsoo turn in his arms and then Myungsoo’s hugging him back and Howon laughs and Myungsoo joins in and they end up a pile on the floor, cackling like crazy — paper strewn everywhere and Myungsoo’s laptop will not like the added weight of his butt pressed against it but Howon doesn’t care, and neither does Myungsoo — and just like that, Howon knows they’ll be okay.

Just two bestfriends being bestfriends.

∞

“You have to admit, that was a funny line.” Howon says later, his mouth full of udon. Myungsoo looks up from his bowl, aiming an unamused glance at him.

“You said my face was something we should talk about. How is that funny?”

Howon chuckles at the memory, sipping from his soda can. “Have you seen your face when you do those…expressions or whatever? It’s something we definitely should talk about!”

Myungsoo picks up a piece of fried rib with his chopsticks before proceeding to throw it at Howon. He fails to hit him and the rib plunges into Howon’s udon.

“That’s unsanitary.”

Myungsoo sticks his tongue out, covered in chewed-noodle strings.

Howon makes a face. “Now, you’re just being disgusting.”

His bestfriend smirks, “Your face is disgusting.”

Howon rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

The silence resumes but Howon doesn’t mind. For all their banter and teasing, Howon and Myungsoo are more often quiet than not and it’s an easy silence — the kind of silence that results from years of friendship that it becomes comfortable, warm and soothing even. He finishes before Myungsoo, setting the plastic chopsticks aside. He piles up the used tissue and sauce containers into one of the take-away boxes before Myungsoo breaks the silence.

“You like him, don’t you?” Myungsoo asks, still eating and his voice is nonchalant and the question itself is nonchalant and unassuming and he doesn’t even mention a name but Howon knows, and that heavy weight in his stomach returns.

He pushes the box aside before wrapping his arms across his chest (he really should stop doing this) and stares at the marred surface of the dining table, eyes skimming over Myungsoo’s doodles on the wooden surface wrought from when his bestfriend used it for studying (which would always lead to Myungsoo and a doodle-filled table), the chipped portions, that irremovable candle wax stain from a power outage last month — he’s not really seeing them, just noticing the details, skimming the surface, as he tries to ignore the way his stomach suddenly feels too full.

“Hyung.” Myungsoo says, finally finished and he just stares at Howon — dark eyes curious and questioning, but neither accusing nor judging. Just like the way Myungsoo is.

Does he like Woohyun? Howon knows that he doesn’t hate the man. He meant what he said to Woohyun that afternoon, that he didn’t hate him. Sure, the guy could be annoying and infuriating and every other adjective that defined ‘pain in the ass’ in big, bold letters and ending in an “-ing” but not hate. Howon didn’t hate the guy.

But did he like Woohyun? The pit in his stomach at the mention of the man’s name notwithstanding, Howon doesn’t really know enough about Woohyun to like him, at least not enough to differentiate him from those fangirls Woohyun had.

Howon realizes that he really knows nothing about Woohyun. Nothing at all.

“I don’t know. I don’t hate him, but…I don’t know.” Howon finally says, uncrossing his arms and, not knowing what to do with them, lets them fall against his sides.

Across him, Myungsoo nods, his face still open and curious but there’s a glint in his eyes — it’s not disappointment, but seems like it, it’s almost like uncertainty — and Howon doesn’t know how to feel about it.

“Okay, hyung.” Myungsoo smiles as he rises from his chair, piling the boxes together. Howon follows suit, sets his against Myungsoo’s and his roommate grabs it, turning to dump them in the trash bin by the counter. Howon turns to the living room, intent to ignore the uneasy sensation in his stomach (and thoughts) by watching dance videos on his laptop.

Just as he’s about to leave the room, Myungsoo turns from the sink, the quiet rush of the water running from the tap a calming backdrop to the kindness in his bestfriend’s voice. “He’s a good guy, hyung. He can be extreme sometimes, but he’s a good friend. You should get to know him.”

Howon stops, and he remembers Woohyun’s face — the way he bites his lips, his head bowed as he looks up beneath his fringe. Why do you hate me?

He swallows, and rasps out a “Yeah, yeah. ’kay,” before leaving the room.

∞

Howon is on his bed, blanket up to his chest and when he turns to look at the digital clock on the bedside table, 02:43 AM flashes at him. He turns on his side and closes his eyes, telling himself to go to sleep. Like he had been doing for the past two hours.

When closing his eyes didn’t do anything but make him feel like an idiot, Howon opens them and proceeds to stare at the expanse of the bedroom.

Across him, on his own bed, Myungsoo’s form is covered in his blanket and from the slow rise-and-fall, Howon can be sure that the younger one’s already halfway through dreamland while Howon’s still struggling with finding the entrance.

He really wants to sleep but Myungsoo’s words from dinner keep on echoing in his mind, and not only are they making it impossible for Howon to sleep, it’s also bringing up an image of Woohyun and everything else associated with him (he also kind of wants to throw the alarm clock at Myungsoo for making him think but he resists; they just made up, after all).

Like the way he bites lips, or the way he laughs and his voice grows deeper and—

Howon lies on his back and slams his head back against his pillow. Myungsoo doesn’t make a sound.

He falls asleep an hour later, and before he falls into the darkness, he wonders what Woohyun will be doing later.

∞

Although the previous night was almost entirely spent thinking about Woohyun, Howon doesn’t find it hard to push the man off his mind when he had pressing matters vying for his attention, like his classes and the exam that was coming up soon. Autumn was slowly creeping in, and along with it were his semi-final examinations. It was easy to bury Woohyun into the backdrop of his thoughts when lectures and modules started piling up and demanded his attention — he wasn’t the only one, as well. Myungsoo had four projects due mid-September and all of them were fieldwork and it started to become a daily occurrence for Howon to wake up at seven forty in the morning and see his bestfriend all dressed-up and ready to head out (which was a miracle in itself, it usually took an hour for Howon to kick Myungsoo into waking).

He started spending most of his time either at the library, surrounded by different textbooks, or at the study hall, accompanied by his classmates and instructor as they review and recap their previous lessons.

That didn’t mean that Howon totally forgot about Woohyun, not when the literature major somehow managed to find time to nettle the psychology major every week.

Like the time when Howon spent his lunchbreak at study hall, reading through the fourth article for his clinical psychology class. He was hungry, intensely, but he had seven more articles to go through and an entire textbook for dinner later and he was ready to smack his head down the table and somehow develop amnesia when Woohyun appeared, a McDonalds’ paper bag pressed to his side by his arm.

“What do you want?” Howon had asked, trying to infuse his voice with venom but failing, most of his attention on the paper bag.

Woohyun merely grinned, and it wasn’t mocking or flirty. It was a cheery one, not unlike what he’d see on Dongwoo’s face and Howon felt his insides jump at the sight.

“You,” Howon rolled his eyes. Woohyun going through a day without flirting with him was just too good to be true, “but I’d rather make out with you when you don’t look like you’re about to become Ryu Murakami’s next book cover. So, right now, I’m having lunch with my sweetheart.”

The author’s name — and the petname (be still, stomach) — didn’t register in Howon’ mind, but he dismissed it, surprised at Woohyun’s words. “You bought me lunch?”

Woohyun had simply sat on the chair next to his, using his free arm to push some of the books to clear some space. Setting the paper bag, Woohyun pulls out two double cheeseburgers and bags of fries, as well as soda. Howon stared at him, still surprised, accepting the cheeseburger with his hand.

He stares at the literature major, watching him open his own box and proceeds to take a big bite out of the burger and Howon watches pale lips glisten with grease. Woohyun doesn’t look at him when he asks “What?”

Howon turned to look at the box in his hand. “You didn’t have to.”

Woohyun shrugged, sending Howon a small smile (and Howon already knew that it would be the only thing he’d be thinking that night). “Yeah, I know. I wanted to, though.”

A minute of Howon just thinking his words over and over and he files it away, nestles it along with Woohyun’s gentle smile into the recesses of his mind where he could just let himself believe — let himself fantasize, and Howon opens the box. “Well, since I didn’t ask for it, I’m not paying you back.”

He resorts to snark for the moment, because if he didn’t, Howon knew that what he would have said next would scare the shit out of him and Woohyun.

Woohyun had grabbed a tissue ply and had thrown it at Howon in response.

Letting the memory go, Howon knows that it wasn’t the only time Woohyun made an effort to be around Howon and — yes, that afternoon in the café and Howon admitting that he didn’t hate Woohyun notwithstanding, the man was still pesky and narking but somehow, somehow, Howon realized that it wasn’t really that bad.

Howon realizes that he somehow, somehow, finds it warming that Woohyun — a senior and Howon knows that his schedule isn’t as open and free as Howon’s and that he had more responsibilities and classes to focus on — always managed to find time for him, even if it’s just to text him something lewd and dirty and—

Howon isn’t seeing the words typed across the monitor of his laptop as he finally admits it to himself.

With Woohyun, he feels wanted.

With Woohyun annoying him and sending him really bad pick-up lines and calling him ‘baby’ and ‘darling’ and ‘sweetheart’ and bringing him lunch and coffee and quizzing him on counseling psychology and hugging him goodbye and Howon can’t stop himself from feeling wanted.

That there was this guy, and even though he was the most annoying, most vexatious, most attractive mutt Howon’s had the displeasure to know, that Woohyun still manages to be there. For him. With him.

He feels the stab of guilt and Howon doesn’t try to rationalize it. He knows that he’s been less than polite with Woohyun. He knows that he’s been more of an asshole to Woohyun than the literature major was to him. He knows that he’s been treating Woohyun like he’s garbage even though Woohyun’s slights and passes were nothing more than just jokes and banter. Yet, Woohyun was still there, buying him lunch and making him eat.

It’s then that he finally knows that he likes Woohyun, and he’s just been too much of an idiot to really notice it.

Myungsoo was right — the smug asshole.

∞

Admitting that he likes Woohyun didn’t really change much for Howon. Sure, he can finally let himself feel a little giddy whenever Woohyun sent him a text or made a really cheesy pass at him, but all in all, it was like it had always been.

Except Howon knows that it’s different now, it’s a lot different, and Howon has to tell himself to stop making assumptions, even when Woohyun makes kissing sounds and pucks his lips whenever he says goodbye to Howon before running to band practice or to class.

Howon has to tell himself not to grab those cheeks and—ahem.

Yes, Howon has to tell himself not to make assumptions, not when he knows that Woohyun doesn’t mean a single thing about it. He remembers the café, remembers Woohyun saying it was just for fun and he remembers the drop his stomach had done and he knows better than to delude himself.

It’s not heartbreaking, not really. Sure, it sucks when the person you like doesn’t like you back but that always sucks and it sucks for everyone and Howon’s had crushes on people who never gave him the time of day and he never cried, never felt empty over it. Granted, it’s a little difficult when the person you like is someone who finds it his goal in life to flirt and harass you every day for the rest of your life but all in all, Howon handles it all in stride.

“Awwe, hyung’s being a martyr.” Myungsoo says, fake wonder in his voice as he makes a face at Howon while they walk to the cafeteria. After days and days of studying and skipping sleep and meals, they finally had the time to grab lunch together — along with Sunggyu and Woohyun and Dongwoo.

“I’m not being a martyr. I’m just trying to graduate.”

“Isn’t that what martyrs always say? They never admit to being martyrs.”

Howon frowns at him. “Why are you overthinking this, anyway?”

Myungsoo rolls his eyes. “Why are you dismissing Woohyun, anyway?”

Howon stops in his tracks, bumping into the student behind him. The girl makes a distressed sound and Myungsoo apologizes for him, seeing as he’s still surprised with what Myungsoo had said, and his bestfriend sets a frown at him. “What’s with you?”

“What do you mean I’m dismissing Woohyun? I like him, but he doesn’t. That’s it.”

“Because what? Because he said that he was just joking about it? You’re ready to accept that? You’re willing to settle with that, hyung?”

Howon turns away, resuming their walk to the cafeteria. “What is there to settle about, ‘Soo? So, I like the guy and he doesn’t. Boo-hoo, I want to cry. It’s not the end of the world.”

Myungsoo breathes an annoyed huff. “You’re not even going to ask him if he likes you back?”

Howon falls quiet at this.

If he were honest with himself, he honestly does want to ask Woohyun. Wants to ask him if there was a chance, if they had a chance. It wasn’t hard, all he had to do was just walk up to Woohyun, look him in the eye and just go “I like you. Do you like me? Are we together now?” and everything will just fall into place when Woohyun grins and says “Yes, I do. Now, kiss me, sweetcheeks,” and Howon would punch him on the shoulder for that but no, he would not be averse to finally kissing those lips.

It would be nice, if they had a chance. Howon muses that it would be nice to wake up to a good morning text from Woohyun with a petname and a subtle (not really) sex proposition somewhere and it would be nice to kiss Woohyun as thanks for bringing him lunch and it would be nice to have Woohyun’s arms around him as they walk back to their classes.

It would be nice, if Howon wasn’t so afraid.

It would be nice, if Woohyun didn’t freeze when Howon confesses, if Woohyun didn’t stare at him in surprise, then in panic, and finally in pity and turn down Howon’s advances with a hesitating smile, “I told you it was just a joke, right? I didn’t think you’d take it seriously. I’m sorry, Howon”.

It would be nice, if Woohyun didn’t return to the table and sit next to Dongwoo and he’d avoid Howon’s eyes as they eat lunch, and it would awkward and tense and it was all Howon’s fault.

It would be nice, if Howon wasn’t so afraid that Woohyun would avoid him, stop texting him, stop making passes, stop bringing him lunch and it’s there and then that Howon finds the source of his fear.

He realizes that it was better to have Woohyun as a friend, annoying and adorable and handsome and kind and nice and smart and part of Howon’s life than attempt something deeper and risk pushing him away, risk scaring him.

He’d rather have Woohyun in his company and in his life, even if all Howon could do was just hope.

“Hyung?” Myungsoo asks, concern in his voice at Howon’s silence. What could he say? Voice out his fears? Admit to Myungsoo that what he wanted was impossible because he was afraid that it could be impossible? It was stupid, really.

Stupid and selfish and self-centered and it just hurts.

Howon shakes his head and when they get to the cafeteria, the rest are already at the table they frequent and when he plops down on the bench, he tells himself to ignore the tightening in his chest as Woohyun presses against him and lays his head down on his shoulder.

Howon lets him be. It was all he could have.

There’s an apology written on Myungsoo’s face as he sits across him, next to Sunggyu. When he stands to buy, Myungsoo tells him that he’ll buy Howon’s and it’s his treat. Howon just nods, smiling slightly at the pout on Sunggyu’s lips.

“What about me?” The eldest asks. Myungsoo just laughs.

“No, you don’t get any from me. You ate all of the rice cakes yesterday.”

Sunggyu groans and pulls out his best puppy face, lower lip pulled out for greater effect. Dongwoo chuckles as Myungsoo crosses his arms and pointedly turns away, ignoring Sunggyu until the man started plucking the hem of Myungsoo’s sweater and—

“Okay, fine, you big baby!” Myungsoo finally relents, batting his boyfriend’s hands away as Sunggyu does a fist pump in the air. Myungsoo rolls his eyes. “What a dork. Dongwoo-hyung, come with me?”

Dongwoo says yes, stands and grabs his wallet. “Hey, Woohyun, come help us out.”

Howon feels Woohyun shake his head. “No, I’m with my baby.”

“Come on, Howon won’t disappear if you leave him for five minutes.”

“Yes, he will! He’ll go to the library and read those boring articles again.”

Sunggyu laughs at this and Howon feels his lips quirk into a grin, smothering it when Woohyun turns to look at him, eyes alight with humor.

“Woohyun, come or I’ll kick you.”

“Fine!” The literature major breaks away from Howon and stands, turning to grab Howon’s face. Howon is alarmed. “Wait for me, my love? I shall return.”

Ignoring the jump his insides made, Howon rubs his hand down Woohyun’s face, the literature major sputtering in response. “Don’t bother.”

Dongwoo laughs as he drags Woohyun away, Myungsoo on the other end, mingling into the crowd. It’s just him and Sunggyu, and he turns to find the man smiling at him.

Yet, the smile isn’t pleasant as it is sad.

“He used to do that a lot to me.” Sunggyu says and Howon feels the smile on his lips slipping, confusion replacing it. “What?”

Sunggyu gestures to him. “That. The hugging and the flirting and just being…Woohyun.”

Howon understands his words, understands what they mean but he asks, anyway. “What?”

Sunggyu crosses his arms, and gives him another smile and there’s just so much nostalgia in the smile. “Woohyun’s my bestfriend, and I’ll always love him because he was there for me when I was in a lot of shit. Even though we fight so many times, he’ll always be my bestfriend — but that’s just it. Just a friend. Even though he had wanted more from me.”

It was like someone had pulled the ground from under him. It was like someone had removed the blindfold from his eyes and all he saw was relentless darkness. It was like someone had flushed down molten lead down his throat.

Howon just stares, unable to trust his voice. Unable to trust any part of him, Sunggyu’s words echoing over and over and over.

He doesn’t say anything and Sunggyu seems to understand as he remains silent, turning to look for Myungsoo or for anyone in the crowd. Howon continues to stare, but he sees nothing.

He sees nothing when the three return and he feels Woohyun’s warmth against his side again. Myungsoo sends him a worried glance, mirrored slightly by Sunggyu, as they dig into the meal and he simply pushes the food around his plate.

Dongwoo comments about it, asks him if he’s sick or if he doesn’t like the food. Howon feels himself shake his head in response, making a noncommittal sound that he doesn’t even recognize in the jumble of his thoughts.

He feels a hand on his throat, and the piles of rock inside him turn to boulders as Howon turns to find the hand belonging to Woohyun.

The literature major grins at him, cheeky and handsome and everything Howon realizes he can never have. “I don’t feel a fever, honey. You want me to feed you, anyway?”

Myungsoo mutters something in response and the other two laugh and Woohyun turns to them, smiling and Howon finally sees it. Finally sees the emotion in Woohyun’s eyes as they land on Sunggyu as the man laughs and it’s just — it’s something Howon could never have.

He was wrong. He was afraid to confess to Woohyun because of the possibility of rejection, the possibility that they could never be more than just friends. He was so wrong.

It wasn't just a possibility. It was a certainty, as certain as the longing in Woohyun's eyes as he drinks in Sunggyu's laughter, and Howon just stares at Woohyun. 

And it hurt.

It hurt a lot.

RE:
 

Can we just? This is actually my phone wallpaper and it's just. Gah.

Chapter Text

“Remind me again how this is a smart thing?” Was Sungjong’s greeting the moment Howon accepts the video call. It’s been two weeks since, well, Howon discovered that Woohyun (sort of) liked Sunggyu and…he was the sad idiot who liked Woohyun.

Which sucked. And it hurt, too, but Howon’s always had thick skin.

Even though he’s been resorting to avoiding Woohyun everywhere he goes — which was an admirable feat in itself since Woohyun had this supernatural sense to know where Howon was — and frankly, it was beginning to frazzle Howon’s nerves. Frazzle them more than Woohyun usually did, that is.

Still, it hurt less than to be next to Woohyun and the realization that he had no chance with this guy being rubbed into his face every second.

Myungsoo just snorted at his carefully thought-out plan of avoidance and spent the next hour chatting with Sunggyu on the phone. Traitor.

“You know why it is, Jongie.” Howon answers, flipping through the pages of his philosophy of religion book. The highschool student sighs, incessantly prissy yet managing to sound so righteous. Howon tunes it out, humming under his breath.

“I know, but there’s even a smarter way. Like, I don’t know, actually talking to the guy? Telling him how you feel? Who knows, maybe he actually likes you although I honestly don’t know why.” Howon feels his brow twitching but he ignores it.

Sungjong’s got a point. He could just confront Woohyun, have the guy tell him the truth and who knows, right? Maybe Woohyun was moving on. Maybe Woohyun was…

“Do I have to?” He whines, because yes, even though there’s a smarter way, for all his snark and bark, Howon’s kind of a little coward to admitting that he wants something. “I’m fine with avoiding him…and you know, never seeing him again.”

Sungjong rolls his eyes and Howon can feel the “Seriously?” through the screen. “What are you—a nine-year old girl who get rejected by her ten-year old crush? Grow up, hyung.”

Howon sputters, askance, and pulls his book up to cover his face.

“Yeah, hide behind that thing, hyung. That’s what you do best.” Were Sungjong’s final words before the video call ends and Howon puts down the book, a little hurt at Sungjong’s directness. The highschool student always had this air of brutal honesty around him, unafraid to call people out on their shit and that was one of the reasons Howon was friends with him — to have Sungjong on him like that hurt, but it made him think.

Was he really hiding because he was hurt? Or was he really hiding because he was afraid of the other possibility—the possibility that Woohyun could actually like him?

In spite of his adamance to avoid the literature major, Howon finds that he missed Woohyun. He missed Woohyun’s voice, missed his passes and jokes, missed the way he smiled, the way he held Howon, the way his hold was always warm and embracing — a low flame that promised to keep the cold away.

But—but what did he really know?

That Woohyun perhaps liked Sunggyu once? That Woohyun may have liked Sunggyu the way Myungsoo did? That Woohyun was hurt by Sunggyu choosing Myungsoo over him?

In fact, what did he really know about Woohyun?

Howon racks through his thoughts and all he could come up were probably’s and maybe’s.

∞

Howonnieeee, wru wru wru??? Lets eat out, pleeaaase.

Howon feels his lips smile, unbidden, at Woohyun’s text. His hand stills on the keyboard, wanting to reply but not know what to reply with, how to reply and if he could really manage to talk to Woohyun.

In the midst of his indecision, another text pops up.

I miss u =(

In the end, Howon doesn’t reply — but the last text echoes in the hollow of the Woohyun-shaped space inside him.

He goes to sleep that night, a little warm and a little wanted.

∞

“You know you can’t keep this up, right? You even managed to piss Sungjong off, which is stupid, by the way.”

“I know, Soo. You don’t have to remind me. I’m already saving up for a box of lemon candies to send back home.”

Myungsoo chuckles, but when he turns to Howon, there’s a startling seriousness plastered on his face that unnerves Howon.

He’s only seen Myungsoo this serious once, and it was back then when they were still strangers having to share one dorm and it took about a month for Howon to coax out the annoying bestfriend from the quiet, cold-looking boy.

“Hyung, it’s like you finally found someone that can make you happy and you’re ruining it for yourself.” Myungsoo says, and Howon winces at the truth in his words.

Howon knows he’s ruining things. Woohyun was texting him everyday, telling him he missed him and Howon has not replied to a single one of them.

“How do you think Woohyun-hyung feels right now? All he knows it that you were very close and suddenly you don’t want to talk to him anymore. You’re hurting him, hyung.” Myungsoo continues, still looking at Howon, who was actively trying to avoid the piercing gaze being sent his way.

His stomach plummets at the thought of Woohyun hurting.

“It’s not that easy, Soo.”

“I know it’s not, hyung, but that makes it worth it, right?”

Howon levels a glare at Myungsoo and barks, “Easy for you to say, you’re set on your fucking perfect fairytale!”

Regret immediately floods his body as his words register in his thought, but Myungsoo doesn’t look hurt. He doesn’t even look angry. He just raises a brow.

“Yes, because you helped me, remember? Even when I burned your feet and set the kitchen on fire, you still helped me. I’m doing the same for you now, even if you tell me it’s hopeless.”

Howon ducks his head, ashamed at his actions.

He was the hyung, he was the older one. He shouldn’t be the one being given advices. He should be the one giving. He should be the one who was mature enough to handle rejection, be mature enough to face his fears and push past through them. He should be the one Myungsoo was looking up to, be the man that Myungsoo would be proud to call ‘hyung’ and what was he doing?

Hiding in their apartment in-between classes.

Skipping lunch with his friends.

Avoiding Woohyun’s texts.

Lashing out at Sungjong and Myungsoo for trying to help.

He feels a prickling in his eyes and he shuts them tight, not wanting to cry at how he felt. He pushes a fist against them, ignoring the way his heart clenched at how he was hurting his friends — Woohyun — with how he was acting.

He hears a motion and feels Myungsoo sit next to him on the couch and Myungsoo doesn’t say anything, as Howon breathes deeply and rubs the tears away. He wasn’t going to cry, not when it was all his fault.

“I’m sorry.” He says, quietly, after a period of silence. He feels Myungsoo shrug.

“I’ve been a bad friend, haven’t I?” He asks and he feels Myungsoo quietly laugh.

Myungsoo nudges him with his elbow. “Yeah, well, Jongie’s already pissed at you. I guess that’s punishment enough.”

Howon barks a laugh at that, and just like clockwork, he feels his fears receding. “Tell me about it.”

Myungsoo bites his lips and blurts out. “I was afraid, too.”

“What?”

Myungsoo doesn’t look at him, his gaze is unseeing as it rests on the wall across them. “I was afraid. That Sunggyu would say no. I mean, look at him, hyung — and then look at me. He was this amazingly talented person and I was just Kim Myungsoo. Why would he go for me anyway?”

Howon opens his mouth, ready to give Myungsoo a piece of his mind about talent and amazing bestfriends when Myungsoo continues. “I was really afraid that he’d find me boring, you know. I almost didn’t want to ask him out, but I did anyway. You know why?”

Howon shakes his head. Myungsoo turns to look at him, now. “I asked him out anyway, because even if he said no and it would hurt me, I knew I had a hyung waiting for me back home and I’d never have to go through that alone.”

Howon looks back, stares into the face of his dongsaeng — a year younger, but old enough to put his heart out on display like that and even though he was afraid, he was willing to gamble it anyway — all because he had so much faith in Howon to be there when the pieces fell, to help him piece Myungsoo back together.

Shouldn’t he risk the same thing? Even if nothing could come out of it, should he just throw away the closeness of Woohyun just because he knows he has no chance at all?

And even if he had no chance at all, did he really have to go through it alone?

His bestfriend looks at him and he smiles and Myungsoo’s always had a gentle smile, enough to make anyone fall in love with him—even just a little. Howon rubs a hand down his face and Myungsoo splutters. “Hyung!”

“Thanks, like really — thanks. I never tell you that enough.” Howon admits, gazing at Myungsoo as the visual arts major fixes his hair from Howon’s fiddling.

“Because you’re an idiot. You’re my friend, though. Guess I have to stick by you even when you’re being stupid.” Myungsoo retorts, folding his arms and turning his face away but Howon sees the small smile tugging on his lips.

“Yeah…yeah, guess I am.” Howon quietly agrees, deciding that even though he’s scared, even though he’s terrified and he’s half a step falling into hurt and falling back into fear, he’s going to take a chance, take that step and if it takes four steps forward or ten steps back, at least he’s no longer stuck in the middle as life goes on past him.

∞

He calls Dongwoo, and the education major greets him brightly, all sunny and bright like the entirety of Dongwoo. Howon smiles to himself.

“Howon! How are you? I haven’t seen you in forever.” Dongwoo whines and Howon allows himself to laugh. Dongwoo’s always had this ability to carve himself deep into anyone he meets, and Howon was no exception.

“I’m alright, hyung. I’m sorry I haven’t dropped by as much as I should.”

“Nonsense, Howon. Sometimes, we all just need to be alone.” There’s a secretive tone in Dongwoo’s voice and it’s then that the realization hits Howon as to why Dongwoo would make such a great teacher. For all his brightness and occasional slowness, Dongwoo’s always had the tendency to pick up on the subtler cues. He’s forgotten how Dongwoo can be sharp if he wants to, and his bright smile just masks someone who could see everything you feel written across your face.

Howon realizes that he doesn’t have to explain anything; Dongwoo already sees it amidst his grins and laughter.

“Yeah…but I guess, I’m okay now.”

Howon can’t see but he feels Dongwoo’s smile anyway. “That’s good, Howon. Anyway, what’s up?”

Working his bottom lip between his teeth, Howon flusters at the question and what he called Dongwoo for. It was just so easy to say “No, nothing, hyung. Just checking up,” and leave it at that. It was so easy to put the phone down and to hole up in the apartment.

But no. He wasn’t going to hurt his friends by being afraid, again. He wasn’t going to miss out on Dongwoo’s laughter, on Sunggyu’s occasional cheesiness and bite, on Woohyun’s handsome smile. He was going to take a chance.

“I just want to know when Woohyun gets off from his class?”

∞

The surprise flitting across Woohyun’s face when his eyes land on Howon is funny and adorable enough that Howon physically restrains his hands as to not reach out and grab his face like a child would to his puppy.

Students file out between them, hurried and anxious to get to their next class, but Woohyun slowly ambles his way out of the classroom, cutting the distance between them.

When he finally stands in front of Howon, it suddenly becomes obvious that Howon’s a little taller than Woohyun. His confidence and that air of self-assuredness always made him a lot taller to Howon. It’s one of those little things that he just begins to realize, now that he was finally willing to let go of the sarcasm and the bite he hides behind.

“Hi,” Howon begins, a little unsure, but Woohyun grins and pulls him into a hug.

He’s warm and it’s a nice respite from the chilly air and Howon, for all his discomfort at being touched, hesitatingly responds to the hug. Woohyun smells nice, he always does, but for some reason, he smells especially nice now. Like sandalwood and cinnamon, and Howon doesn’t know why he finds that attractive.

He guesses that it’s just one of the mysteries of falling for Nam Woohyun.

Woohyun pulls away and he plasters a grumpy expression on his face. “You’ve been ignoring me.”

Howon ducks his head, wincing, and he ignores the pout on the man’s lips. “Yeah, sorry ‘bout that. I’ve been…busy.”

Woohyun hums and promptly kicks Howon on the shin. He looks up. “You’re forgiven, sweetheart.”

And there it is, the endearment, the petname and Howon doesn’t even bother telling himself not to get his hopes up at the word, not when his hopes are already at their highest — even when knowing that it’s a pin-needle away from crashing to the ground.

“What are you doing here, anyway? I thought you didn’t have classes on Friday.” Woohyun says and Howon wants to reel back, because the thought of Woohyun knowing his schedule, knowing when he’s busy and when he’s not — it feels nice.

Really nice and Howon has this urge to hug Woohyun.

He restrains himself.

“Yeah, I don’t. I just…well—I” He stutters, mumbling his words and he’s expecting Woohyun to laugh at him but when he looks at the literature major, there’s a patient smile on his lips and an affectionate light in his eyes and Howon knows he’s really fucked.

“Yeah?” Woohyun prods. Howon takes a deep breath, and tells himself to go for it before he chickens out.

“I called Dongwoo this morning and I asked him what time you get off your class.” He begins, and Woohyun nods, still smiling. Howon flails at the sight and he wants to run away now, and maybe move to another city. Sunggyu says Jeonju is lovely this time of the year and—

Not. Now. Lee. Howon.

He clears his throat, extremely uncomfortable but he perseveres. “I didn’t have class today, and well, he says this was your last class and that you didn’t have classes tomorrow and, well, I figured that, since, you know…”

Woohyun’s smile widens. “I know…what?”

Howon really wants to punch Woohyun’s smug smile away but he continues. “You know, that you’re basically free right now and I’m basically free, not that I’m assuming you’re free or anything I mean who the hell is free now, right? But anyway, I just want to ask if you kind of want to grab dinner with me?”

He ends, smiling (and even though it’s one-hundred percent full of false boldness and he’s terrified, he smiles anyway).

Woohyun opens his mouth, about to respond, but Howon pushes forward.

“I mean, you don’t have to say yes because I asked, you know. I mean, you’re probably busy and stuff and yeah, you probably need to study or whatever and I’m not saying it’s because I’m here and I’m asking you and you can say no, you know, like it’s not a problem, okay, like really. So, yeah, I’m just gonna go and um, do…stuff. That is, if you say no, like…you know, not that I’m push—“

“Yes,” Woohyun cuts in, a big smile on his face.

Howon pauses, his ramble trailing into a quiet “What?”

Woohyun laughs, and it’s bright and beautiful and he exclaims in a loud voice. “Yes, darling. Of course, I’d say yes,”

Howon blinks. “Oh.”

Woohyun nods, still smiling, laughter trailing.

Howon blinks again. “Oh. Um. That’s…good? I mean, what am I saying, of course that’s good. Good.”

Woohyun laughs again. “C’mere, handsome. Let’s go all the way!”

And Howon doesn’t know what to feel as Woohyun grabs his hand and leads them away from the hall. He doesn’t know what to feel, looking at his hand in Woohyun’s grasp, at the way the setting sun’s light painted Woohyun in cuts of warm gold as they make their way down the building.

Howon doesn’t know what to feel, really.

He smiles anyway, throwing away his concerns to the wind.

∞

They settle on a make-shift street cart a few blocks away from the university, and the ahjumma coos over them. She picks at Woohyun’s wrist, tells him to eat more or else his mother will be worried sick and Howon laughs at the penchant nodding Woohyun does. God, does he really look like a puppy.

The food served is delicious and the ahjumma gives them extra, exclaiming that handsome college students eating from her cart were a rarity and she wasn’t one to pass an opportunity up. Howon blushes at this, Woohyun grins cheekily at the lady and gives her his best smile.

The ahjumma coos and pats him on the head, not unlike a girl and her puppy. Woohyun sits back, pouting. Howon laughs again.

Time runs past them but Howon doesn’t notice, not when the sound of the grill, the honking of cars in the distance and Woohyun’s laughter is all that he ears.

He realized that he misses this, just the two of them — in a street cart, hands messy with sauce and oil and Woohyun looking at him like Howon’s put up the sun in the sky.

They talk, and talk and talk and Woohyun’s the same. He’s still attractive, still flirty, still makes lewd jokes and still gropes Howon every chance he got but Howon learns more.

He learns that Woohyun doesn’t smile with his entire mouth, he learns that Woohyun’s a little insecure at the crookedness of his lower teeth, that Woohyun once wanted to become a soccer player and maybe that explains why he’s so good during the sports intramurals, that Woohyun’s family owns a barbeque restaurant in Suyu-dong, that he has an older brother who handles it.

Howon learns that Woohyun loves to do imitations and he does a really good imitation of Dongwoo that he bursts a grin at Woohyun as he belts out a booming manic laugh so similar to Dongwoo; that he’s a little obsessed with his hair and Howon finds it adorable how he always tries to fix it as the wind picks up and sends the strands falling into disarray.

He starts learning so much about Woohyun, the little things that he’s never known, and before they know it, the ahjumma is sadly telling them that she’s closing for the night and they look to their watches, a little surprised to find it close to midnight.

They pay and offer to help the ahjumma pack up her stall, but she refuses, telling them her son is on the way and that they better get home before it gets really late. They bow in goobye and Woohyun gives her a peace sign and she chuckles in amusement.

A blanket of stars covers the skies and the city-lights of Seoul rival their brightness and Howon turns to Woohyun, still chuckling.

The flashes of neon-colored lights paint across Woohyun’s face, and as the man turns to him to point something out, Howon realizes that he doesn’t want to be anywhere else but here.

∞

They’ve left the busier districts and Howon spies the university a few blocks away. His apartment is in a complex just beside the university and Howon knows that Woohyun lives in the university dormitories the other side of the campus.

It’s quiet now, the streetlights a little dimmer. He sees a few students mill about, some just leaving the campus, others making their way back to the dormitories.

The wind is colder now and Howon is mindful of the lack of distance between him and Woohyun, at the way his shoulder digs into Howon’s and the touches their knuckles make as their hands flit past one another.

It’s a really romantic scene, Howon realizes. He could almost hear Myungsoo squeal like the hopeless romantic sap that he is.

He chuckles at the thought and Woohyun turns to him, looking up. “What’s funny?”

Howon shakes his head. “Nothing, just a thought.”

Woohyun nods, and he rummages in his pocket for something. Howon glances at him, confused. Woohyun pulls his hand out and brandishes a penny before him.

Howon frowns. Woohyun smiles. “A  penny, anyway?”

Getting the intention, Howon grabs the penny and feels the warmth of it, fresh from Woohyun’s palm, and secures it in his own. “Myungsoo would find this romantic. He reads a lot of manga. He calls it research development. I think it was him preparing to ask Sunggyu out.”

At Sunggyu’s name, unbidden and unconsciously blurted out, Howon closes his mouth shut. He glances at Woohyun.

Woohyun nods, huffing a chuckle. “Myungsoo’s a good kid, isn’t he?”

Howon agrees with a quiet yes. The pace they’re walking slows to a relaxed stroll, and Woohyun makes a show of looking around, even though Howon can hear the cogs of his thoughts echoing in the quiet.

Unable to contain his curiousity, Howon breaks the silence. “You don’t like him?”

Woohyun turns, and Howon expects him to avoid the question, feign a “Who?”, but he holds Howon’s gaze anyway. He breathes in deep and he answers. “Not really. I didn’t hate him…but I didn’t really want to be friends with him.”

Howon doesn’t have to ask why, his eyes do it for him and Woohyun continues, fiddling with the hem of his sweater. “Sunggyu’s my bestfriend. He was the backwater kid from the South. I was the new guy in the music program, and I didn’t really have any friends. I guess, when you pit two lonely guys together, they’re bound to become besties.”

Howon nods, knowing how it feels and he smiles as Woohyun chuckles. “Sunggyu’s always been so passionate about everything: his studies, his dreams. It was impossible not to dragged into it, and before anyone knew, I was his guitarist in his little band that he wanted to start. I didn’t even want to be in a band, but Sunggyu has this way of asking from you, full of so much ideals and heartfelt thoughts, and I guess, it was one reason why I said yes.”

They pause in their walking, a car honking, watches it cuts past them down the other side, and when the silence has resumed, they cross the street.

Woohyun puts his hands into the pockets of his sweater. Howon unconsciously does the same.

“What happened?” He asks.

Woohyun glances at him and then looks away, settling on the dark silhouette of the university library. “Myungsoo happened.”

Howon’s always been a little protective of his bestfriend, but the casual way Woohyun dropped it had Howon thinking that it wasn’t a hateful comment, more like an observation. “Yeah?”

Woohyun nods, smiling at Howon for giving him the chance to explain. “Uh huh. I’ve been friends with Sunggyu for years, and it was always so comfortable. Even though we fought a lot, it was okay, you know? He was my bestfriend, he’ll always be my bestfriend and I guess…I thought it’d always be that way.”

Their steps echo in the background of Woohyun’s low, velvet voice.

“We were bestfriends for a long time, and when I started realizing that I wanted more from Sunggyu, I just kept quiet. Because I thought it’d just be the two of us, you know. Us against the world and all that bullshit.”

“Then Myungsoo happened, and I had lost my chance before I realized I had any.”

Howon swallows, and Woohyun’s voice is tad bit sad and he looks away because he knows how that feels. He knows what it’s like to know that you’ve lost before you even played the game, to have what you want snatched away from you before you even knew it was what you wanted all along.

He keeps quiet, but Woohyun laughs, and even though there’s a hint of nostalgia, there’s also glee and it confuses Howon.

“I wanted to hate him. I wanted to lash out at him because he had what I wanted, that he had Sunggyu and I didn’t. Why him? Why Myungsoo? I was Sunggyu’s bestfriend. It should have been me. I knew him the longest, I knew him the best. I was the one he talked to when his parents still refuse to answer his calls. I was the one he came to when he gets lonely during Parents’ Day. Why should it be some freshman who knows nothing about what he had to go through? Why not me?”

Howon keeps quiet, listening to the cadence of Woohyun’s words. They’re not really bitter — close to it — almost like questioning, confused. Like a child asking a parent why his dead fish won’t wake up anymore.

“I really wanted to hate him, Howon. What’s funny is I can’t.”

Howon turns to him and Woohyun has stopped. He’s standing and he’s just looking at the ground and he doesn’t look sad and miserable, not really, but there’s a quiet pensiveness to his gaze. “Why?”

A corner of Woohyun’s lips perk up, and it’s lopsided and it’s not as cheery as he makes it out to be. “He’s good for Sunggyu.”

“Myungsoo’s good for Sunggyu. What people don’t realize about Sunggyu is that he’s lonely. He’s a really lonely person, and he’s had to do with going through life on his own. It made me realize that I wasn’t good for him. Maybe, if the circumstances were different, it’d be me and not Myungsoo, but Sunggyu and I — you know how we are. When we’re hurt and angry, we lash out and cut each other so much. We’re too proud to admit our mistakes and we just let our anger rage until we forget what we fought about in the first place.”

“Myungsoo’s not like that. I don’t know how, but with Myungsoo, Sunggyu’s a lot less angry, a lot less lonely. Maybe because he has Myungsoo to take care of, and Myungsoo has him to take care. With me, it’s just waiting to boil over.”

Woohyun lets out a breathy laugh and he looks up at the sky.

“It’s hard to hate Myungsoo, not when he makes Sunggyu smile like that. He’s a good kid. You’re lucky to have a friend like him.”

Howon nods, knowing how lucky he was to have Myungsoo as his bestfriend (even when he’s always flitting from facepalming and rubbing his head in annoyance at Myungsoo’s antics). “You are, too, you know. Myungsoo considers you a friend.”

Woohyun smiles, whispers an “I know”.  Woohyun resumes their walking and Howon bites his lip, unsure if he should push through with what he wanted to say.

Woohyun, noticing that Howon wasn’t moving, turns to look at him. Howon blurts it out before he could tell himself to stop.

“I am. Lucky, that is. To be friends with you.”

Woohyun is quiet, and he’s not smiling or chuckling. He walks back, though, and the motion calms the way his heart is beating so fast in his chest. Howon looks everywhere but Woohyun’s eyes, fisting his palms inside the sweater pockets.

“Friends?” He asks. Howon nods, finally locking eye-contact.

“Yeah, friends. With you.”

“Is that all we are?”

Howon blinks, unprepared for the question. Woohyun continues. “I thought friends were honest with each other, Howon.”

Swallowing, Howon ducks his head. If even Woohyun can tell that Howon was hiding the truth, then he’s really slipped up. Knowing there was no other way to resolve the situation, Howon decides on the truth — as much as it makes him uncomfortable, reneging on his promise on taking chances would just lead to more disappointment and cowardice.

“I…I guess I want more. With you.”

Woohyun keeps quiet and Howon panics, doesn’t understand the blankness covering Woohyun’s face. “It took me a long time to get it. You were always annoying with your flirting and your fangirls and I just wanted to get away from you.”

“But you didn’t budge and you kept annoying me, and you kept bringing me lunch and you kept teasing me and helping me with my studies and I guess, I realized then that I liked you. But I didn’t want to admit it, least of all to you.”

Howon dances on the balls of his feet. “When I realized you liked Sunggyu, it was the same thing with you. Losing my chance before I realized I had any. So I avoided you, and everyone, because I didn’t want to admit it to myself that it hurt to like you and not be with you.”

“I realized I missed you when I no longer saw you. You kept on texting me and I didn’t want to reply because I was jealous and angry about it, even when you did nothing wrong to me.”

Woohyun nods, taking it in. “You never told me.”

He says it simply, and it’s not accusatory but Howon winces the same. “I know. I know, that’s why I’m not asking for an explanation. You didn’t have to explain everything to me, not when I didn’t even tell you I liked — like — you, that is.”

He exhales at the end of his sentence, and he really wants to take back everything he said because it’s embarrassing and immature and childish. Woohyun is probably thinking the same thing, and it’s a wonder he hasn’t left yet.

Howon honestly will not be surprised if Woohyun gets angry or something. Howon would be the same, if he got treated the same way.

God, he really is a hypocrite.

“Remember when I told you it was all for fun, that day at the café?” Woohyun asks and it’s random and Howon is surprised but he nods anyway.

“I was honest, that time. It was really all for fun, the teasing and everything. At that time, I just wanted to show Sunggyu what he was missing. I wasn’t angry, but I was jealous and I threw it all on you, especially when Sunggyu was around.”

Howon nods, and even when he thought his stomach couldn’t feel any lower, it falls deeper into the pit of dread. It hurts but Howon refuses to acknowledge it.

“It was all for fun, and I thought kept doing it because I thought it would make Sunggyu jealous. I kept doing it so much until the only reason I kept doing over and over was suddenly because of you.”

Howon stills, he’s looking at Woohyun and it’s suddenly Woohyun, Woohyun, Woohyun.

“You. I realized that I was now teasing you, not to make Sunggyu jealous, but because teasing you was fun, and when you get irritated, you looked really cute and suddenly, I just wanted to be around you. I just wanted to be around you when you’re studying, when you’re angry, when you’re laughing and when you stopped coming to lunch, I realized that you started meaning more to me than I thought you would.”

Woohyun steps closer. “It was suddenly all you, and it scares me, Howon.”

The confession, the hitch in Woohyun’s voice, the tiny sliver of vulnerability in the man’s eyes was enough for Howon to turn to him and nod. “Me, too.”

They were at the precipice of everything they could and could not be. Howon didn’t want to move one step, forward or backward.

He breaks the silence, anyway. “What do we do, Woohyun?”

“I don’t know. For the longest time, it’s always been Sunggyu. Then, this psychology major comes up in my life, and he has a bitchy mouth and he’s sassy as fuck and my jokes never work on him — he’s headstrong and loves his bestfriend so much that he’s willing to get burned feet for it—“

“Who told yo—“

“You honestly think Myungsoo won’t tell everyone that? Woohyun asks, and there’s a chuckle in his voice and, yeah, Howon has to admit that Myungsoo’s a loudmouth and then they’re both chuckling. Their breaths turn to mist in the space between, not quite touching, not quite faraway.

“I really like you.” Howon admits, and he feels blood rush to his face and he’s sure that he’s beet red and it’s really embarrassing to be saying things like this and he wants to bark something mean at Woohyun just to keep himself calm, but he refrains. He keeps quiet and stares at Woohyun, facing him head-on.

“Me, too.” Woohyun answers, and there’s that small smile on his lips again and Howon nods, he nods.

“Home?”

“Home.”

Howon still has no idea where his and Woohyun’s feelings are going to. He still knows next to nothing about the man in front of him, but he’s willing to take a chance. From the determined gleam and the sure smile on Woohyun’s lips, Howon knows that Woohyun’s willing to take that same chance, too.

It’s not an absolute certainty, Howon knows that. He’s not even sure about his feelings for Woohyun, if it’s just a phase, a passing attraction or something deeper, something fleshed out, something real. He knows that Woohyun is still struggling with how he feels for Sunggyu, sees it in the longing and the nostalgia in his voice and Howon understands.

Oddly, he doesn’t feel pressured. He doesn’t feel like competing with Sunggyu. He doesn’t feel like proving himself to Woohyun that he was better than Sunggyu, that he was worth it.

It’s weird, but he just feels okay.

In spite of the uncertainty, in spite of the fact that they’re still at an impasse of what they could and could not be, there’s a safe harbor in the waves of doubt and fear. Howon always thought that he’d find that harbor once he stopped talking to Woohyun, once he purged himself of everything the man was.

He never expected to find that harbor with him, to find that man as shipwrecked and wrung-out in the ebb and flow of what-if’s and could-have’s.

It’s no longer a precipice.

When they reach the gates of the university dormitory, Woohyun turns to him. There’s a look of hesitation on his face and Howon looks to him, asking without voicing — simply waiting.

Woohyun looks up, and Howon is transported to that afternoon in the café. Woohyun’s head, bowed, and his hair fall into his eyes and there’s the slightest hesitation, the slightest doubt and Woohyun had asked.

Why do you hate me?

It’s the same hesitation now, and Woohyun is biting his lip and Howon just waits.

He opens his mouth, on the edge of his words but Howon sees him deflate and he quietly says. “Goodnight, Howon. Thanks for today.”

“Yeah, you too. No problem, Woohyun.”

The literature major nods and he gives Howon a small smile before he turns and walks toward his dormitory.

Howon watches him walk away, and he feels that he’s missed something, that he’s not yet through the forest, he’s still in the outskirts and the exit is just another step away.

He takes that step.

“Woohyun!”

The man turns, confused.

The exit is wide open.

Howon smiles as big and as wide as he can. “There’s a game tomorrow! Wanna watch?”

Woohyun smiles, and it’s as beautiful as the man it belongs to. “Yeah, let’s go!”

It’s not a perfect fairytale ending. Honestly, it’s not even half-way through the book. Howon knows there’s still a few more chapters to go, more twists to go through and more conflicts lying ahead, but it’s alright. It doesn’t feel scary.

It’s not a precipice anymore. The cliff doesn’t fall to the murky depths below.

There’s a bridge across and, beyond, there’s a great many crossroads lying in wait.

Facing them alone, that would have terrified Howon. He’s reminded then, that Woohyun is there with him. They’re taking it together, they’re braving the crossroads together.

They’re not there yet, not even close.

They will be though.

It’s not a precipice anymore.

It’s a crossroad of choice, and they’ve just taken their first step together.

Let’s go all the way!