Work Text:
My feelings for you
like the memories we share
have grown so big.
Summer's already gone
and it’s autumn.
Been waiting all this time.
Sieun could feel Suho staring, but he tried his best to focus on the English book in front of him. Whenever Suho asked to tag along, Sieun already knew that studying would be difficult. He would never say no to Suho, though, and Sieun couldn’t even pretend like it bothered him anymore. Suho was his best friend, his only friend, and the source of everything warm and nice. Even when he was being annoying. Maybe especially then.
“Sieun-ah… Just pay attention to me.” Suho interrupted him. Sieun didn’t look up. “Don’t ignore me, punk. We should grab something to eat. We’ve been here for hours.”
With a soft sigh, Sieun turned his page, his right hand always moving to write new annotations. Their afternoon was quiet and calm. Sieun could say he finally felt content. They were at a new school, away from any assholes from Byuksan or Eunjang, and closer to the sea. But this was not a reason to forfeit their good grades. Suho didn’t have part time jobs anymore, and all that free time was always well spent with Sieun, just… with no studying from Suho’s part.
“Come on, Sieun-ah… Sieun-ssi,” Suho put his hands together in a prayer, his mouth almost pouting but not quite there yet. “Please, let’s eat some jumulleok, okay?” Suho was looking at him with bright eyes and Sieun knew he still hadn’t studied all the topics he had selected for today but… “I’ll even pay, my treat, see? Please, Sieun-ssi…”
At that, Sieun scoffed. He didn’t reply as he carefully packed all his school supplies into his backpack. The library was eerily quiet that Tuesday afternoon. Sieun could see through the window that it was well past seven and the sun was in its final stages, the sky turning from orange hues to violets. Suho was smiling blindingly at him and Sieun had to look away to compose himself. They started walking towards the exit at a slow pace. There were still some students roaming around in groups, but no one ever paid any attention to them.
Sieun was thankful. He still got a lot of stares, maybe even more than back at his other schools, but people left them alone. Maybe because they could see that Sieun had Suho, and Suho had Sieun, and they didn’t need anything else. Sieun was sure that Suho must have made some friends already, knowing how social and charming he could be, but Suho hadn’t introduced him to anyone, and he wasn’t interested in making new friends.
Sieun had suppressed so many memories that sometimes trying to remember was a wasted effort, but flashes were still there. Sieun could feel them. Beomseok. Hyuntak and Humin. Gayool. Blurred faces. Fights and conflicts and comradery. Almost like an old childhood house. One that you could barely remember, but once knew perfectly. Sieun could lose himself between its walls. Suho started humming that one catchy song on the Zero Sugar Coke's commercial.
Sieun was happier now.
He turned to look at Suho for a moment and allowed himself to relax at the sight. He really thought he would never see him again. After moving to Eunjang, losing track of him… Sieun didn’t think he could feel emptier inside. He met people, he fought, he tried but Sieun didn’t enjoy a world without Suho. It was a harsh, dark, cold world. And then he caught a lead, a rumor, a thread. And followed it all the way back at his- at Suho. He would forever be grateful.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Suho complained, shoving him softly with his shoulder. The weather was really nice.
“How?” Sieun replied with a huff, grabbing the straps of his backpack and gazing at the cozy streets surrounding their school. An orange cat was eating from an old dog’s plate with little bones decorating it. Next to it, a small puppy didn’t seem to have any problems sharing its food.
“I don’t know, like that, you know…” His friend smiled ruefully, rubbing his neck. “Aish, nevermind… Let’s hurry up, I’m too hungry.”
They walked in amicable silence the few blocks left. Entering, Suho enthusiastically greeted the owner. Sieun just bowed silently, and the lady bowed back with a soft smile.
“Will you be waiting for anyone else?” The woman approached their table, leaving the menu on the table, she grabbed her notepad when they shook their heads. “Alright, what are you having?”
Sieun looked up to Suho, who had his head twisted to read the menu. He already knew what he wanted, so Sieun didn’t get why he wasn’t ordering already. He always went to restaurants with something in mind and ended up ordering half the menu. With an unimpressed stare, Sieun turned to the owner.
“Could we get the jumulleok package, please? And a serving of jajangmyeon.”
“The package is quite big, is that alright?” She asked, but Suho was already nodding enthusiastically and Sieun almost smiled. He nodded too.
“Shall we get some soju too, Sieun-ah?” Suho asked him, eyes serious, as if it were a death or life matter. Leave it to Ahn Suho to be dead serious about food but never grades.
“Oh, and two soju bottles, please.” Sieun finished, thanking the lady.
“Ah, I love this place so much, really.” Suho said immediately, laying back comfortably on his seat. Sieun wished they were sitting next to each other so he could feel his warmth. It was a strange thought to have about his friend, but Sieun had long stopped trying to filter his thoughts. As long as he didn’t voice them out loud, everything would be as usual. “I just wish the prices were a little on the lower side, you get me?”
Sieun rolled his eyes with a soft smile. As if he would ever let Suho pay for their meals.
“You’ve done that more recently, ah…” Sieun’s face grew warmer, knowing what Suho was talking about. “Your smile is… How do I put this? Mmm…” Suho was pondering his following words, but he was looking at Sieun like he knew exactly what he wanted to say. “Cute.”
Sieun didn’t dignify with an answer, turning his head away to hide all the feelings that were surely pouring from his eyes. There were some students at a table to the far left, but the place was small enough that Sieun could still identify their faces. They weren’t in his class, but he had seen them once or twice. Three guys and two girls, who were eating and laughing loudly, cheering with soju. Sieun looked back at Suho, who was already looking at him. Instinctively, Sieun arched a brow, questioningly. Suho just smiled with the tiniest bit of shame, ears red, looking guilty the way a kid does when he’s caught doing something he knew he shouldn’t have done. Sieun tried to fish back his earlier thought, already distracted. Suho was always a distracting sight.
“Do you have other friends?” Sieun finally put himself back together, remembering his earlier train of thought.
Suho looked at him surprised, and then a teasing smile spread on his face. “Yah! Are you tired of me? I can’t believe this…” Suho huffed, looking around with fake indignation. “I bring you to have a delicious meal and you ask me if I don’t have other friends?”
“You know what I mean.” He replied in a low tone.
“I don’t. We’ve been here for just… What? A month?” Suho replied, taking it seriously now. Sieun nodded. “And honestly, I spend all my time with you. When would I make other friends?”
Logically, Sieun knew that Suho wasn’t blaming him. He didn’t mean that in a negative way, but Sieun felt himself shrinking in his seat, looking at his lap and playing a bit with the long sleeves of his gray hoodie.
“Hey, don’t look so sad…” Suho mumbled, realizing immediately that something didn’t sit well with his friend. He always knew, somehow, and that just made things more frustrating for Sieun. “Sieun-ah…”
He heard Suho standing up and made no move to look up when he felt Suho standing next to him. With a small push from Suho, Sieun moved a little closer to the wall, allowing Suho to sit at his side. With Suho blocking his view, Sieun felt alienated from the restaurant, from the group of friends laughing, from the rest of the world. But he felt safer. Comfortable. At home.
He didn’t want to think about codependency and how Suho almost dying for him fucked them up and their dynamic in various ways. He just wanted to have him close. He wanted it so bad that he could feel his own hands shaking with the desire to hold.
“I have you… I don’t really… I’m happy when I’m next to you.” Suho said, in a soft voice he didn’t often use. Sieun looked up, his heart beating faster with every passing second. “So, don’t ask dumb questions, alright? You’re supposed to be smart.” Suho pinched his cheek too quickly for Sieun to react.
“Here you go, son.” The lady interrupted them, and they both looked at her with warm cheeks. Sieun grabbed the two soju bottles, opening them as the lady set the table with Suho’s help. It was a lot of food, as she had said before, but Suho ate a lot and Sieun had long learned not to subestimate him. Everything smelled delicious.
“Thank you for the food,” Suho told the owner in a lilting voice, smiling at her and grabbing his chopsticks. They ate silently, drinking a bit of soju in between bites and chatting at times.
But mostly, Sieun observed Suho eat. It was one of the most comforting sights for him.
Suho, who loved to eat more than anything. Suho, who was alive and healthy to enjoy any dish. Suho, who engulfed the food as if it were to disappear at any second. Sieun, who loved Suho more than anything. Sieun, who would do anything to keep Suho alive and healthy. Sieun, who drank Suho’s image as if he were to disappear at any second. In that regard, both were greedy and couldn’t get enough.
“Try this, Sieun-ah, come on!” Suho told him, already holding his own chopsticks close to Sieun’s mouth. He was so happy. He parted his lips, his mouth filled with the most delicious short steak he’s had in a while. Sieun usually didn’t care for garlic, but the dish was mouthwatering.
“How is it?” Suho asked, looking at him with his cheeks filled with food. Sieun only wanted to stare at him, and so he did, chewing and savoring the food. “So delicious, right?”
Sieun nodded, drinking a sip of soju. “Good.”
Time passed and before they knew it, it was time to go home. Sieun looked at his table and felt bad at the amount of wasted food. It was quite a bit. The owner seemed to think so too, because when she came with the check, she kindly offered to give him the leftovers.
“Definitely take them,” Suho insisted. “You need to stop eating microwaved food. This will last you like… Two days.” Sieun nodded along, embarrassed. The lady was looking at him weirdly, so he kicked Suho softly to shut him up.
“Alright, I’ll be right back.” She disappeared with the dishes and Suho stood up, stretching and rubbing his belly.
“I’m so full, Sieun-ah.” He stretched some more and Sieun stared at him with a satisfied smile. He enjoyed giving Suho whatever he craved. “Thank you for paying, next time will definitely be on me.”
The lady came back with the leftovers and wished them a good night. They left the restaurant and walked towards Sieun’s small one-bedroom apartment. His father was paying for all his expenses, and he never dropped by to see him. Looking at Suho once again, Sieun felt a wave of gratitude for his company. How lonely would life be without Suho? Sieun didn’t continue thinking about it. Their arms were almost touching because of how close together they were walking, and Sieun just allowed it to happen. He didn’t live far away from school at all, it was a short fifteen-minute walk, and that’s why Suho always insisted on walking him home first. He stayed the night, sometimes. If it was raining, or if it was too late, or the rare occasion where Sieun simply asked him to. He never said no. He didn’t bring his scooter here, and Sieun didn’t ask about it since he knew how much the other liked it. Maybe he would buy him one, one day, as a birthday gift or something.
He preferred to walk home with Suho. He couldn’t grab his waist, hold onto him tightly or rest his chin on his shoulder, but they spent even longer together every night. Sieun would take what he could.
“Here we are,” Suho mumbled outside the door of his building. Sieun nodded. “Thanks again for the… Uh, for the food.” Sieun nodded again, simply looking at him. It was ridiculous, but he hated saying goodbye. He didn’t care that he would see Suho in just ten hours. Sometimes he wished they lived together.
“Sieun-ah…” Suho whispered, looking right back. His breath caught on his throat. Suho didn’t say anything else, but they were standing close enough for Sieun to understand regardless. “Is it okay for me to… Stay the night?”
Suho has never asked him before, he only accepted if Sieun asked. Nodding, Sieun smiled softly at him, and Suho stared at him in that mesmerized way he had of looking at Sieun. As if he was staring directly into the sun but couldn’t look away. Sieun’s stomach was twisting in funny ways, making him feel kind of nauseous.
“Let’s go.” Sieun whispered, voice harsh and cheeks warm as he opened the door to the building and entered the elevator. The ride was silent and tense, and once they entered his apartment, he went straight to the bathroom. “I’ll shower first.”
He tried to quiet his mind for a moment, but it was a constant chanting of Suho, Suho, Suho, Suho. He took deep inhales and exhaled slowly, feeling dizzy. When he came out, Suho was nowhere to be found. Walking towards the small kitchen, he made sure the leftovers were inside the fridge before going to his bedroom. Suho was laying down, using his phone to watch some silly video.
“You took your time.” Suho told him with a smile, looking at him over his phone. “Come lay down with me.”
Sieun’s heart jumped at that. He was feeling more and more out of control. It was difficult to stop his hands from shaking as he walked towards his bed and took a seat next to Suho’s body. Suho laughed, making more space so he could lay down comfortably, but their bodies were touching everywhere and Sieun had to manually breathe or else he would choke.
“What are you so nervous for?” Suho whispered, and Sieun could feel his arms embracing him. He laid his head on Suho’s chest, and his heartbeat was steady, almost slow. “It’s just me, Sieun-ah.”
Sieun inhaled greedily, wanting to fill his brain with Suho’s scent. But he could only smell his pillowcase. His home only smelled like him. Sieun’s heart was beating too fast, painfully so. Tears started to pour nonstop, and he could hear Suho calming him down, hands rubbing his back lovingly. It was too much. He fell asleep like that and woke up to an empty bed. He still felt dizzy, nauseous, and he needed to see Suho.
He must have left early; he always did that. Changing his old pajama shirt and pants for the school uniform, he tried to pull himself back together. He warmed up some of yesterday's leftovers for breakfast and then brushed his teeth. He grabbed his backpack and an umbrella, as the weather forecast warned for rain later that day. He made sure to read the texts he missed on the day before as he walked towards school.
He arrived first, as usual. He didn’t wake up as early as he used to do in Byuksan, but he still found it convenient to arrive earlier than others. His screaming thoughts went silent as he saw Suho’s sleeping form, hugging his pink pillow in the far end desk. He smiled to himself and went to sit next to him. He didn’t mind being on the last row as long as Suho was next to him. He kept studying in the dark until the students started filling in the classroom.
Sieun could hear the whispers, they talked about him sometimes. About how he would arrive early and sit in the dark, studying. They didn’t seem interested in why Suho was sleeping through most classes, but Sieun was used to the attention.
Why did Suho sleep through most of their classes if he wasn’t staying up late in his part-time jobs?
The ring bell made him snap out of it. He looked at his classmates, who were getting up, chatting and packing their backpacks. But the day was just… Sieun looked at the clock, it read five p.m.
“Should we go?” Suho told him, and Sieun looked at him without words. He was feeling ill. “Are you okay, Sieun-ah?” His gaze was worried.
Sieun nodded, packing his notebook, which was filled with today’s notes. He didn’t really remember writing them down. His brain was screaming at him all sorts of things, and he was having a hard time keeping up.
“Sieun-ah, you’re shaking. What’s wrong?” He felt Suho grab his forearm, making Sieun stand still in the solitude of the classroom, empty by now. “Talk to me.”
“I feel weird. Sick.” Sieun answered, even his voice was trembling.
“Like you caught a cold?” Suho asked, putting his warm hand against his forehead. “You don’t have a fever. Should we go to the nurse’s?”
Sieun shook his head, feeling silly. “I’m fine. Let’s go.”
They walked towards the exit just in time to see the dark clouds pouring down. Groups of students were still streaming down the streets, groups paired with big umbrellas. The ones who didn’t have them ran past everyone else, screaming and laughing. Before the gate and under the school’s eave, a group of guys were sitting on the steps, passing each other a ball and waiting for the rain to stop.
Sieun opened his umbrella and took a step down the rain, but could feel Suho’s warmth missing next to him, so he turned around. He was still standing at the school’s gate, looking at him without saying anything. Sieun noticed he hadn’t brought an umbrella, and Sieun’s was too small to share. He bit his lower lip, thinking.
“It’s okay, Sieun-ah. I’ll just wait for the rain to stop.” Suho told him, finally smiling at him. Sieun took that sight in, searing it into his memory. “Really, get going.”
“I’m not leaving you here.” He scoffed.
He closed his umbrella, letting the pouring rain caress his skin. He was soaking wet within the minute and Suho looked at him with surprise.
“Let’s go.” Sieun mumbled. As he turned around, sure that Suho would follow him this time, Sieun could feel the gaze of some of the guys sitting on the steps, but he ignored it. Suho was walking slowly next to him, and it didn’t matter that they were both getting sick, because they were together.
At some point, Suho started walking progressively faster, challenging Sieun to keep the pace, and suddenly they were running down the streets. Suho would turn his head around to see if Sieun was still running behind him and would smile in such a lovely way that Sieun could only smile back in delight. He didn’t think about the weird day he had, there was only him and Suho.
They arrived at Sieun’s apartment, and Suho said goodbye quickly. Sieun wanted him to stay again. Tried to stop him, excusing his desire, telling him that he should wait until the rain stopped, but Suho was already running down the street. Sieun stood there until Suho was out of sight. He took a bath and warmed more of the leftovers, finishing all his studying material this time without anyone to distract him. He hated every second.
The next morning, he sent Suho a text.
시은
did you get sick?
수호
i’m alright! omw to school
시은
don’t forget your sports uniform this time
수호
i already forgot~
시은
you’re really good at sports
you should stop skipping the class
수호
mhm, sorry
i’ll bring it next time
but you like to stare at me
시은
no i don’t
수호
i always stare back from the bleachers
don’t be shy~
my cute sieun
시은
i’ll block you
Putting his phone back in his pocket with red cheeks, he made his way to the school while reading. Day after day, his routine was the same, he led a monotonous life. Things were only bearable because he had Suho. He sat next to him, sleeping again. He started taking notes as the class filled in. He could feel the stares, as usual, and he ignored them, as usual. As long as nobody came to bother him or Suho, he wouldn’t engage. He had enough fights for a lifetime.
When it was lunch time, Sieun realized he had forgotten to bring his. He turned around to find Suho still sleeping and decided to go buy food without waking him up. He went to the cafeteria, which was filled with students fighting to buy something to eat. He stood in line for a while until it was his turn and ordered two gilgeori toasts and two bottles of water. He made his way back to the classroom, which was mostly empty, occupied only by two small groups of students who were eating in their seats, talking.
Suho was still sleeping at his desk, as he left his toast and water bottle in front of him, but he stilled for a moment when he turned to his own desk. There was a harmless small vitamin drink. A note was attached next to it. Sieun took it wearily.
Don’t get sick! Use your umbrella.
It wasn't signed by anyone and no way to see who could have left this on his desk, besides asking his classmates if they had seen anyone, and he didn't feel like talking to them. He crumpled the note and put it on the back of his bag, along with the drink. Sitting down and feeling a little out of balance, he poked Suho’s shoulder to wake him up.
“Wha- ah, lunch. You brought me some!” Suho said, waking up faster at the sight of food. “Sieun-ah, what would I do without you?”
Sieun only smiled at that, chewing his own lunch and basking in the image of Suho eating happily.
“I was thinking we could see together that popular show going around recently… What’s it called? Ah…” Suho mumbled, still chewing. Sieun knew he should find it gross, but it was simply endearing. “It’s about a lawyer…”
Sieun shrugged. He didn’t keep up with tv shows or anything like that. He usually left those things to Suho, who usually only got interested in the trendy shows everyone talked about. They finished their lunch as the bell rang again, and classes continued as normal. Sieun taking notes, Suho sleeping or not really paying attention.
Their sports class started, and Sieun waved at Suho as he left to change. He couldn’t understand why Suho would always forget his sports uniform. He used to love the class at Byuksan. Now he always sat at the bleachers, observing the class with a smile, staring at Sieun. He blinked and found himself in the middle of a stretch, his uniform changed, all his classmates surrounding him, at the gym.
With a shaky inhale, he stood up. Some guys were having a basketball match. A group of girls were actually doing some kind of dance choreography a few feet from him. Others were doing some lazy laps around the gym. He searched with his gaze for Suho, heart beating rapidly against his ribcage when he couldn’t find him. Could he actually be playing basketball with the rest? Sieun started looking intently at each player, looking for Suho.
His gaze met someone else’s. Not Suho. The boy had stopped playing, looking at him. As if he was curious, or confused, or both. Sieun stared back for a couple of seconds, feeling weird. When he realized, he turned back quickly, frowning. Suho was sitting at the bleachers, staring at him. He hadn’t seen him before. But maybe Sieun was getting sick. He walked towards him, sitting down one step below.
“You should join the game.” Sieun told him.
“Maybe I will next time.”
The class continued, but Sieun didn’t join the exercises again. He felt restless, his throat dry. The moment the bell rang, Sieun left the gym to drink water. He had finished his bottle; he would have to drink from the faucets outside of the gym. Opening it, he inclined his body in a way where he could comfortably drink without actually touching anything. In the opposite direction, a guy had the same idea, drinking from the faucet while facing Sieun.
They made eye contact and Sieun’s eyes opened wide. It was the guy from the gym, it was… He looked like… Sieun stood up, closing the faucet with shaky hands and walking towards the classroom to pick up his things. It had been their last class. He didn’t want to study at the library. Suho was nowhere to be seen and Sieun could feel his heart trying to beat out of his chest.
Sieun sprinted all the way home, breathing harshly, his eyes stinging. He closed the door loudly and rested his back against it. Grabbing his phone, he opened his chat with Suho.
시은
i miss you so much
시은
did you get sick?
시은
don’t forget your sports uniform this time
시은
you’re really good at sports
you should stop skipping the class
시은
no i don’t
시은
i’ll block you
Closing his eyes, he felt the first of many tears making their escape, rolling down his cheeks. He opened his backpack, finding one bottle of water closed, one packed gilgeori toast untouched. And the vitamin drink. Between sobs, he forced himself to take the food to the fridge, and then went to the bathroom. He started the shower and without making sure if it was too cold or not, he stepped inside. His sports uniform was immediately soggy, but Sieun couldn’t tell apart the tears from the water, and that was enough. He stood under the shower.
Not just anybody,
I imagined you
with the feeling that’s
been always there.
I’ve been waiting all this time.
I got nothing to lose,
I like you.