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When he was seven he asked his parents why boy could only like girls. His parents traded a look before telling him that that was god's plan.
Boys liked girls.
Girls liked boys.
And anyone who thought differently was wrong and would go to hell.
It didn't make sense to him. If God meant for boys and girls to be with each other, then why did his mom and dad fight all the time?
*
When he was eight his dad left- for good this time.
He didn’t know how to feel, but his mom told him that his father would always love him regardless of this. And he believed this, because once a week his dad would call and ask him about his day.
Until one day he met a lady named Janet and she was ten years younger than his father and blonde and from America. After that the calls became less and less frequent, until they stopped completely.
But every Wednesday night after church he would wait by the phone in the kitchen until his mother made him go to bed. She would do it with this look on her face and anger in her voice. He didn’t want to make her angry so he stopped.
*
Eugene started working as soon as he turned 15. The only place that would hire him was some dingy gas station with oil stains all over the floor, and an unbleachable stench in the bathroom, but he didn’t care. He was just happy to have a job- it gave him a sense of security.
When he was 13 his aunt and uncle had disowned his cousin because he liked boys. When he asked his mother about it, she told him that he no longer had a cousin.
He buried the part of himself that liked boys deep within him, and tried to save up enough money just in case his mother ever found out. Despite his fear he still considered quitting every day, because the people were rude and he hated the smell of gasoline. Eventually his own paranoia started to get to him- he found it impossible to look his mother in the eye or even talk to her. She never asked about it. She never cared.
*
Later that year his Christian private school closed down and he was forced to go to public school. His mother cursed and spat at the thought of him spending 8 hours a day with "heathens", but he was excited. He never got along with anyone at St. Mary's. He thinks that they might have been able to sense what he was- something about him that he didn't want others to be able to sense. He also thinks that that could just be his own paranoia getting to him again.
The night before his first day at public school he tried praying, but got the sneaking suspicion that the only person listening to his prayer was his mother from behind his door.
The first day of school itself was a blur and he spent lunch trying to have a panic attack in a bathroom cubical.
On his second day he talked to a tall blonde boy who could make a joke of anything, or at least a sarcastic remark about it. He had a loud and beautiful laugh and a bright smile, but they didn't distract him from the dark purple bags under the boy’s eyes.
The boy said his name was Dylan. He also said that Newkirk could sit with him and his friends at lunch.
Dylan sat with four other people at lunch- a boy named Joseph who never looked up from his phone, a boy named Peter who never stopped smiling at the boy next to him, and a boy named Robert who sat next to Peter and who Dylan seemed to hate. The two spent most of their lunches arguing or calling each other fowl names.
After his second week there he asked Dylan why they were friends. It was in between 2nd and 3rd and the hallway was too loud and too crowded.
Dylan went silent for a moment, and Eugene worried that he might have offended him. Eugene found that when Dylan went silent, it felt like the whole world was waiting to listen. After a few suspenseful minutes Dylan spoke, slowly, like he was trying to explain something to a child. It reminded Eugene of when his parents explained why boys like girls. It almost made him resent Dylan for it for a moment.
"Because...that's.... just how these things work. We have to stick together."
"We?" He asked. Dylan looked at him with an odd expression. He could practically see the thoughts mulling within the taller boy’s mind. Now that he thought about it, Dylan's reactions to most of the questions that Eugene asked him about his life were normally strange expressions and silence. It was as if the boy was trying to present his life in an incredibly careful manner. Eugene wondered if Dylan thought that he would judge him.
"I- “ Dylan started to say, then stopped suddenly. He searched Eugene’s face for a moment before turning away. “-should get to third. See you tomorrow.”
*
The two would sneak out every Saturday night and sit on the roof of an abandon building. Dylan talked and smoked while Eugene sat and listened. But Eugene stopped asking questions after that day in the hallway, and when he stopped asking Dylan started telling more. It was weird but he wasn’t exactly in any position to judge.
The bags under Dylan's eyes came from sleepless nights. According to Dylan he either couldn't sleep or would wake up from nightmares around 3 am, so there wasn't much of a chance for him. Most of Dylan's nightmares were about fire, cars, and his father.
He said he'd watched his father die from the passenger seat of his car after they'd been hit by a semi-truck that had run a red light four years ago. He says he can still hear the sirens coming.
He says he still sees his father’s lifeless face in his dreams.
He says he thinks his mother blames him for his father’s death, and that the only time they don’t fight is when his brother is on shore leave.
Eugene sniffs and tells him about when his dad left, and Janet, and all the things he has to lie to his mom about, and all the things he never thought he would be able to tell anyone.
The whole time he talked, Dylan sat and watched him keenly with those blue eyes of his. He saw no malice or hatred in them, and for that he was glad.
But he wished he hadn’t seen pity. He hated the look of pity on Dylan.
*
Dylan would always visit Eugene if he worked on weekends. He would lean against the counter, laughing and brightening Eugene’s day. He didn’t like that Dylan smoked, but would sell him cigarettes anyway. On some level he felt bad for breaking the law, but it was for Dylan and he would do anything to make his friend happy. Because that’s what friendship was.
At least, that’s what Eugene tried to tell himself. That’s was friendship was. Just friendship. Just friendship. Just friendship.
More than just friendship.
*
Eventually another new kid showed up and Dylan was just as nice to her.
She sat with the group at lunch and spoke with an Eastern European accent. Her hair was bright red and her eyes were emerald green.
It didn't take long before he and Dylan stopped sneaking out every night and Dylan stopped visiting him at work. He tried not to think about it took much- which was a lie. It was all he thought about.
Dylan spent all his free time with that Austrian and just left Newkirk behind-
-well not completely behind. They still hung out and talked, but they were no long close.
Eugene was hurt and angry and refused to learn the whores name at first.
*
About three months after the new kid came Eugene thought he saw her holding hands with Dylan in the hallway. Dylan’s hair looked like golden silk and he was laughing and the bags under his eyes were gone. The new kid was smirking and looking up at Dylan the way Dylan looked at the sky.
He spent lunch that day trying not to have an anxiety attack in the bathroom again, and decided to try and make more friends. Or never speak to anyone else ever again. He couldn’t decide.
*
His self-induced isolation lasted for all of a week before the quaking of his heart started to settle into his bones. The feeling made its way into his gut, gnawing and shaming about his organs. It made him hate Dylan because, before Dylan, loneliness had been his friend. It had been all he knew, his comfort blanket. But Eugene had to go and fall in love with the sun and was now he drowning in the depths of himself.
He started to reach out to the other people in his classes, but with no anvil.
The guys in his chemistry class all thought he was an idiot.
The girls in his English class cared more about writing the school paper than they did actual human contact.
The guys in gym were all faster than him.
And everyone in his bible literature class reminded him of his mother.
So, he gave up on classes and tried to make friends with his lunch table.
Robert and Peter were always too busy in their own conversations to notice him. Robert pissed Eugene off anyway, so he didn’t mind very much. After spending a few weeks making awkward and one-sided small talk with the boy, Joseph stopped being on his phone as much and started talking back to Eugene. He thinks the other guy was just taking pity on him, but he was in no position to turn down friends.
Things with Joseph were different than they were with Dylan. When he was with Dylan he felt like he had to try so hard to seem cool or interesting, but now he felt more relaxed. He wasn’t afraid to say a stupid joke or admit that he didn’t understand a pop culture reference. It turned out that Joseph’s parents actually went to his family’s sister church. When his mom heard this she was over the moon that he had finally found “a wonderful Christian boy to be friends with! God has answered my prayers! Now I need to start praying for you to find a nice girl so you can settle down.”
Eugene wanted to tell her to not waste her breath. He also wanted to tell her that Joseph was an atheist. Instead he settled for internally appreciating the irony.
*
About a month had passed and Eugene was finally allowed to spend the night as Joseph’s house. Joseph, who had found out about how deprived (sheltered, Newkirk corrected) from modern media Eugene had been, vowed to spend the whole night exposing him to “great things”. The two boys settled into Joseph’s basement bedroom. Eugene was fascinated that his parents trusted him enough to have his own floor when his own mother didn’t even let him have a door.
Joseph’s night of exposure started with his favorite movie: Back to the Future. Then progressed to highlights of his favorite shows: Orange is the New Black (which left Newkirk completely scandalized), The X-Flies, and Friends. Joseph said most of those things were from the 90’s. He also said that things from the 90’s were much better than what was being produced today. Eugene took it all in, fighting his body’s need for sleep.
Once 4a.m. rolled around Joseph put on a playlist he’d made for Eugene.
“It’s got The Smiths, The Cure, Twenty One Pilots, Fall Out Boy, and some other stuff.”
“I don’t know any of the words you just said, but okay.” Eugene yawned and Joseph laughed. The two boys looked at each other with a new fondness, something unabashed and unapologetic. Eugene didn’t want the moment to end- he didn’t want this friendship to end. Without much warning Joseph stood and started to leave the room.
“Where are you going?” Eugene looked him over, trying not to notice how well sleeping shirt fit him.
“It’s a surprise.” He smiled and a gleam of mischief took home in his eyes. “Just stay and enjoy the music. I’ll be right back.”
One song that featured both ukulele and rap and one song announcing the singer’s feeling on different days of the week later, Joseph returned with a bottle in his hand. Instantly Eugene went cold.
We’re too young for this! Where did he get it? What if he thinks I’m lame for not wanting to- well I suppose a small sip wouldn’t hurt- uh- oh gosh! Sorry god- and mom. Sorry mom. A million panicked thoughts ran through his head before Joseph had even sat back down.
“I was saving this for the next time Robert’s dad went out of town…but I think I’d rather share it with you.” His smile was warm, and his eye looked like he was scared of something. Eugene went stiff, but tried to play cool. Just a sip couldn’t hurt.
“Cool.” He nodded, brushing a hand through his auburn hair. It had grown out of the usual buzzcut his mother forced him to keep it in. Joseph had told he liked it longer, so Eugene had put off cutting it. More than just friendship. More than just friendship. More than just friendship.
“Cool.” Joseph smiled and took off the cork. “It’s rum- not name brand and only 16 ounces- but better than nothing though, right?”
Eugene watched the way his face contorted after he took a sip. “Ack! Okay, okay.” He handed the bottle to Eugene, who took it apprehensively.
He took a small sip- his nose burned, tongue revolted, and it felt like fire was going down his throat.
“Christ!” He exclaimed, handing the bottle back to Joseph. He was unphased by the fact that he had used the lord’s name in vain. Joseph did it all the time- I must have picked it up from him.
“You get used to it. Well, at least that’s what my older brother says.” He was smiling. Eugene really liked it when he smiled.
The two continued to pass the bottle back and forth until it was gone. By the time 5 am rolled around of them could not stop giggling, nor could they stand properly if they wanted to. The playlist Joseph made seemed infinite- full of songs Eugene loved but had never heard of.
Let’s hear it for America’s sweethearts
“Hey! I’ve heard this song before. Dylan loved it.”
Joseph made a face at the mention of Dylan, and Eugene wondered if he disliked him just as he disliked Robert.
“Can I ask you a question?” Joseph was looking him over, golden brown eyes seeming to stop right on his lips.
“Of course.”
But I must confess
“Before Sophie showed up you and Dylan were really close. Were you two…together?”
“No. I mean, I might have wanted to, but no.” Eugene realized he’d never admitted that to anyone. Hell, he never thought he’d admit it to anyone.
“So does that mean you like guys? Because Dylan said he thought you might have been…”
“A freak?”
“…like me.”
Eugene sobered a little, his heart starting to beat twice as fast. He had thought he was alone, that no one else in the school was like him.
Suddenly he found himself leaning towards Joseph. The other boy mirrored the action until their lips met.
I’m in love with my own sins
Eugene had never kissed before. Neither had Joseph. The two pretended like they knew what they were doing though- hands going into one another’s hair and lips awkwardly bumping against one another. Another song came on and they matched their movements to the rhythm of it.
I’ve got a lover, a love like religion
Their lips eventually fell into some type of motion, hands messing up hair and teeth biting lips.
I’m such a fool to pay this price
Eugene knew that this was wrong, he’d been raised his whole life to think that. Yet he couldn’t stop himself. He realized now that he’d wanted to kiss Joseph since the first time they’d talking.
It’s coming down, down. Coming down
Joseph’s hands left his hair and slid under Eugene’s shirt. He was skinny and had no muscle, but Joseph didn’t seem to mind.
Eugene returned the favor, feeling his soccer abs.
It’s coming down, down. Coming down.
Eugene didn’t care what he’d been raised to believe, kissing Joseph and now cuddling with him felt so right. As they drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms, he decided they would worry about everything else in the morning.