Chapter Text
BEGIN
Wait, minus two? You think to yourself, What the fuck is up with that?? Well this story doesn't begin with a young boy, standing in his bedroom.
It starts on a land oft spoke of but hardly seen; a world destined for doom- with its few survivor's guaranteed to face oblivion. This is where it all starts.
Welcome to Beforus.
We will focus on one young troll, who's wriggling day is today; might I add, who now stands in his respite block, turning just 6 sweeps of age, today is going to be a very important day for him and his friends.
Will you attempt to guess his name?
======>POMPUS WHISTLEFUCKER
Why you absolutely crude and offensive individual, of course that is not his name, and if anyone attempted to refer to him by that moniker he would absolutely have a very long talk about basic respect for one's name, chosen or otherwise in fact he might as well start now-
======> KANKRI VANTAS
You are KANKRI VANTAS, and currently you stand within your RESPITE BLOCK, currently it is the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, being the anniversary of the night you wriggled into this life. You intend to spend this day as you usually do, COMMUNING with your various FRIENDS, debating social justice issues on ONLINE FORUMS, and researching various GAMES, SHOWS and VISUAL NOVELS. All the while avoiding contact with your CULLER.
You have a variety of INTERESTS, such as analyzing POP CULTURE MEDIA for their SOCIO POLITICAL IMPLICATIONS, your aforementioned DEBATES, and of course RANDOM PURPOSELESS ONLINE SCROLLING; Recently said scrolling lead you into a hopbeast hole about the history of SHOES.
======> Retrieve arms to fight off culler! Your life is at stake!!
..what. for one thing your ARMS are perfectly fine, and attached to you, and for another thing, why would your CULLER be a threat to your LIFE? GAUNCL may be VERY INFURIATING to live with, but he's never actually tried to harm you. Why would you even think such an impulsive thing? You'll make an effort to block out such ABNORMAL THOUGHTS from now on.
======> [Commands disabled]
Ignoring whatever that was, you opt with a simple pace around your block, your Scuttlebug-coon is pushed up against your walls, as per usual; the hydrosquish platform within it is perfectly clean, having been cleaned by you after you awoke, the assorted boxes crammed in the nearest corner to it have yet to be unpacked, dispite you having lived in this hive for several sweeps now, and your husktop and desk are hidden within the pile, keeping your culler from immediately knowing what you're looking at online upon barging into your block unexpectedly.
Not that you specifically look up anything inappropriate, but often you find that your friends and debate opponents tend to say things that would definitely upset him; you make it a habit to avoid triggering anyone at any given moment, but he is a bit of a priority due to the fact that he can cut off your access to the internet.
Oh, a ping from one of your aforementioned friends, likely wishing you well. You open the message.
trippingCarnivaler [TC] began trolling calloutGenuine [CG]
TC: :0D SUP MOTHERFUCKER
TC: :0) A LIL TWEETBEAST TOLD ME IT WAS YOUR MOTHEFUCKING WRIGGLING DAY; AND I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST TO TELL YA A LIL JOKE, WANNA HEAR?
CG: Ah, Kurl9s, while it is nice t9 hear fr9m y9u, I will 9nce again ask y9u t9 n9t refer t9 me with such triggering language.
CG: I am intenti9nally keeping that lecture sh9rt, as I am excited t9 hear what y9u have t9 say.
TC: :0) SWEET.
TC: :0? A TROLL WALKS INTO A BAR. WHAT DID THEY SAY?
CG: Kurl9z I literally just asked y9u t9 av9id such language, d9 I need t9 give y9u the full lecture?
TC: :0) TRUST ME DUDE, YOU'LL WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY SAID.
CG: …Very well, I'll 6ite, what did they say?
TC: :0D "OW!"
CG: Aaaah, I get it; apologies for my earlier comment, I thought you were referring to a fermented beverage dispensary.
TC: :0/ THAT WAS KINDA THE JOKE
TC: :0) BUT IT'S NO BIGGIE, NOT ALL JOKES LAND.
CG: 9h.
TC: :0) ON LESS AWKWARD NEWS; SPIDERCHICK SEEMS REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SOME MOTHERFUCKING THING.
TC: :0| SHE'S BEING REAL DAMN QUIET ABOUT WHAT, WHICH MEANS IT'S EITHER SOMETHING REALLY COOL OR SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA BE A DISASTER.
TC: :0[ TUNA SEEMS PRETTY CONVINCED THAT IT'S THE LATTER.
TC: :0/ LETTING YOU KNOW NOW SO YOU CAN BRACE YOURSELF FOR WHATEVER IT IS.
CG: I'm sure it'll 6e fine, the 9nly times that Aranea was excited a69ut s9mething that went haywire were plans with Meenah inv9lved, and n9-9ne has heard fr9m her in 9ver a sweep.
TC: :0/ I TRIED TELLING HIM THAT BUT IT DIDN'T REALLY HELP; RIGHT NOW HE'S PLAYING LEAGUE OF LEGENDS TO CALM DOWN.
CG: 9h dear I h9pe he gets 6etter.
TC: :0/ SAME. ANYWAY HOPE YOU LIKED THE JOKE, HEED THE WARNING I DOLED OUT, ETCETERA HAVE A NICE WRIGGLING DAY RUBITCH.
CG: KURL9Z H9W MANY TIMES HAVE I T9LD Y9U T9 N9T CALL ME THAT!
trippingCarnivaler [TC] ceased trolling calloutGenuine [CG]
Ooooh how you hate when he does that. If he didn't make similar nicknames for the majority of your friend group you might assume he's attempting to court you spades-wise; despite your lack of interest in being in anyone's quadrants.
You hear a call from downstairs, ah great, your culler has returned. Time to head downstairs to deal with whatever he wants to talk at you about. As you walk downstairs you see several colored boxes, and your culler; GAUNCL WIUANT, stands in front of the pile.
GAUNCL: Yah know what 'kri I am surprised, I might have judged your buddies too harsh, at least they care about you enough to send you stuff for your wriggling day; and don't worry, I checked all the boxes for anything dangerous.
Ah, so that's why all of them look like they've been rifled through.
KANKRI: Yes, I am quite appreciative 9f the gr9up I have f9und myself in- but nevertheless; may I take these up t9 my r99m f9r 9pening?
GAUNCL: nah, sorry lil dude, I've gotta get your reactions for my group.
Oh how you loathe that cullership group, all it's about is sharing "cute" pictures of the trolls in their care, and while they're mostly innocuous, quite a few of the older trolls look quite displeased at being photographed.
You know full well attempting to argue on this is futile, so you sit at the kitchen table while he records you.
You open up Damara's first, which turns out to be a second, smaller box. Hm, odd. You open that box and there is yet another box, did Damara think you need more boxes or something? You continue this, until about 6 boxes in you finally get to the actual gift: figurines of the one eastern alternian show you like: Troll Neon Genesis Evangelion
While the number of boxes used to transport this is absurd, you're quite thankful for the gift. Oh, there's a card; several actually?
"To Mr. Paragraphs, I hope you like the gift, the boxes all came with cards so I wrote this on all of them so inevitably you'd see this.
から
ダマラ メギド
追伸ルフィオがこんにちは"
You sure hope that last part wasn't important, because you can't read it.
GAUNCL: Well, it seems like your rust friend played a lil trick on you, huh?
KANKRI: hm? What d9 y9u mean?
GAUNCL: ah nevermind, anyway onto the next.
The next one he hands you is Mituna's. It's haphazardly wrapped in yellow construction paper, and held together with duct tape. After several minutes of struggling to get the package open, you successfully unwrap a homemade cybersecurity program. Alongside it is a note:
"L1573N K4NKR1 1 KN0W 1 5H0ULD H4V3 G07 Y0U 50M3 07H3R 7H17 L1K3 1DK 4 5H1R7 8U7 7RU57 M3 DUD3 Y0U'LL FUCK1NG N33D 7H15.
P5: 480U7 7H3 P4P3R, 1 C0ULDN'7 F1ND 4NY WR4PP1NG P4P3R 47 7H3 570R3. -M17UN4"
Messiah's above his quirk is difficult to read. You'll probably install this later.
You move on to Porrim's, upon opening the box you are met with bright red fabric, you pull it out, and it turns out to be a red sweater. It's a bit warm for a sweater, but you suppose you'll wear it for now. The note says:
"Hey kanny, Ho+pe yo+u're having a go+o+d wriggling day. I saw a po+st o+f yo+u fro+m yo+ur culler at a sho+o+ting range, and I am begging yo+u to+ never wear that absurd pair o+f leggings again, the gift is actually unrelated, but serio+usly Kankri do+es he make yo+u wear that?
Fro+m,
Po+rrim.”
Ugh, you don't even mind the sweater but Porrim’s almost pale tone regarding your leggings. It’s simply a pair that your culler made, but messed up the measurements on, and since it's quite comfortable on hot nights, you wear it fairly often. You don't read the latter part of the note aloud, shove it in your pocket and don the bright red sweater.
The next hour is much the same, in summary you got a small sculpture of a gun from Horuss; a pair of silly disguise glasses from Kurloz; a book about the history of shoes from Aranea; a shirt of Mituna’s homemade cybersecurity program from Latula; a vhs set of Troll Neon Genesis Evangelion from Rufioh; a very thick tome of writing from Meulin which you are fairly certain is some kind of fiction she wrote, but the sheer size of the book intimidates you, preventing you from taking even the slightest peek; a mixtape from Cronus, placed onto a customized disk, it will likely be a mix of genuinely good songs and crass noise, but you’ll still listen to it for hours on end.
You are just about to get up to take your new things to your respiteblock, when Gauncl hands you one last card, an unhappy expression on his face. A royal fuchsia hue with gold trim bordering it. Oh gog. Is this some kind of notice that you're about to be moved to someone else’s hive? Or worse, moved into the castle to be culled by the empress herself? You open it, and the only thing on the inside is:
“3;)
https://Harmny.mm/PGnmdE9w
Found somefin fun for your wriggle day, guppy.”
You breathe a sigh of relief, you tell your culler.
KANKRI: It's just a written link f9r s9me gr9up chat, fr9m a friend, it seems.
Gauncl seems similarly relieved, turns off the camera, of course he didn’t even bother to turn the camera off when you were worried, and says:
Gauncl: Well, seems like they mighta’ set you up a virtual party! Well, I suppose it’d be best to let yah scamper off to that digital shindig; I’ll get to work on lunch, you’ll get your gift from me then.
You gladly take the invitation to leave, scooping up the presents in your arms, almost dropping things on the way upstairs, ready to finally chat with your friends. Warning? What warning?