Work Text:
Tsukasa Tenma had to be like Rio. He had to.
Perfection is something no one can achieve, he knows this well, but can’t stop aiming for it.
Tsukasa convinced himself he had to be perfect for Saki, for his parents, for his group, and for himself. Although, it was never for himself. The life he had led only revolved around others' smiles but never his own.
He would break himself and hold onto the false hope of being perfect just to please others.
That’s why he found himself here, starving himself to be like his role model of perfection. No matter how self-destructive he was acting, he suppressed his emotions like aways and put on his persona of a funny, joking, star, who never felt sorrow or regret.
No, perfection doesn’t carry those emotions.
So why did he drown in them? Why did fear and misery consume and take him over if he was supposed to be perfect?
He knew he was not perfect. Instead, he did all this to force that perfectionism onto his individual. His identity has been long gone, in fact he never had his own identity. He lived to please and pleased to live. The only strand of identity that remained was his passion for acting.
Even that had been made for his sister, not himself.
Which is why he will make his choices made for him into his own. Maybe… if he was finally good enough he could have a dream achieved for himself.
It all seemed so fake as he sat on the ground. His head was foggy and his hands were shaking.
He had a shiver in the heat of the summer as he sat dissociating from reality.
Food seemed like an inconvenience yet something he craved as his stomach growled. He knew he had to wait, because Rio waited days like he is now.
His friends took notice that he was carrying through with his plan of starvation and tried to make him eat offering their lunches. ‘I'll eat at home, don't worry.’ ‘I'm not hungry.’, he would deflect if others asked him.
When they offered pieces of food his mouth would speak for him, saying no, even if he regretted it more than anything.
It’s ok, since everyone else is ok, he assumed.
Though his brain didn’t quite process anything anymore. Dissociation is not a joke.
It feels like someone is controlling your body for you, you're observing but not mentally there .
This is what Rio did, he repeated every time he felt himself fall deeper into the pit of giving up.
In that pit he fell into, a hand pulled him out. It was warm, comforting. When he looked up, he saw their faces, his friends. The ones that saved him, helped him, believed and trusted in him, were there smiling before him, encouraging him to move forward.
Of course, how could he forget?
That day, he finally answered yes.