Chapter Text
Pain. That's all I felt when my eyes opened. Not the physical kind, the mental kind. I don't know which is worse but at this moment I'd have to say mental pain takes first place. All I want to do is roll back over and fall back into a dreamless sleep but F.R.I.D.A.Y. interrupts that.
"Breakfast is ready in the dining area Miss Stark."
I groan.
"Do you want me to tell them that you are not going Miss?"
"No that's okay, tell them I'll be out in 5 or so minutes please."
"Will do Miss Stark."
I desperately don't want to go out there because for some unknown reason my anxiety is skyrocketing right now and Nat can always sense it. Must be her widow senses or something. Don't get me wrong I love Nat with all my heart but I physically and mentally can't handle having to talk with anyone right now. My eyes dart to the box I have under my dresser, holding my razors. It's like it's taunting me.
Right as I'm about to grab the box I hear a knock on my door.
"You coming?" Nat asks.
"Yea sorry I'll be right there."
I stuff the box back and open the door. I see Nat's eyes go over my face, most likely seeing my state.
"Are you okay?"
I quietly sigh. "Yea I just couldn't find my shoes for the life of me, just to later find them under my bed right in front of me." I say faking a laugh.
She doesn't seem to completely buy it but I can see her instantly relax.
"I do that all the time." She says with a smile.
We make small talk as we walk to the kitchen table. I can hear the shouting before I see them.
"That was my pancake shithead!" I hear Clint yell.
Oh lord.
"No it wasn't birdbrain. My fork touched it first." Sam yells back.
"Language." I hear Steve mutter.
I laugh as they come into view. Clint flashes me a sly smile before launching a sausage at Sam's head. Oh boy. I sit down by Bucky and grab a plate and put 1 chocolate chip pancake on it and a small portion of eggs. With my anxiety so high everything is making me nauseous, one of the many downsides to anxiety. Bucky looks at my plate with a small frown. As he reaches over to grab the hot sauce I hear him whisper,
"You good?"
I slightly nod. He is the only one here I really opened up to about my issues. Or at least how bad they can get. Everyone else thinks it's just me being shy. For some reason I told Bucky. I don't know what had come over me but when he had calmed me down from an anxiety attack I just spilled. He just has something about him that makes me want to tell him everything. That's probably why he is my favorite uncle. I couldn't bring myself to tell Tony about it, I know that he has anxiety and probably could help but I didn't want to be a burden. He has so much to deal with and I didn't want to add to his stress. Being Iron Man isn't easy, especially with a 14 year older daughter waiting for him to come home every night. Even I know that.
He nods back and starts putting hot sauce on his eggs.
"Wanna talk after breakfast?" He quietly says.
I shake my head.
"Ok just let me know."
Breakfast continues normally besides Sam and Clint throwing food at each other the whole meal but I guess that is kinda normal. Since it is a Tuesday I back my bag and get dressed for school. I heard Tony yell for me to hurry up and I groaned. I hate school. I mean who doesn't hate school but I don't think I have the stamina to go. All the semi-happiness for breakfast instantly disappeared the second I went back to my room. The only thing I looked forward to was seeing my friends. Maybe they would help cheer me up.
*time skip to after school*
I was wrong. Peter and Wade weren't there today, most likely skipped so they could spent some alone time together, and MJ was sick and I only had lunch with Ned so school sucked so to speak. Flash was being a dick as usual but that isn't what made my day go drastically bad. It was him. My English teacher. I had always felt him eye me up but he never really did anything because Peter was always in that class with me except for today. I felt his eyes linger on me longer that usual and when ever he passed by me he always made sure to brush up against me. The second the bell rand I got up and basically bolted out of class.
Happy was waiting for me at the front of the school as usual. I mustered up a small smile and slid into the backseat.
"How was school?"
I shrugged, not really in the mood for talking. I don't know what's up with me today. I just feel...off.
"Not very talkative today are you?"
"Just tired."
He nodded and returned his focus to the road. Before I knew it we were pulling into the parking garage. I said my goodbyes to Happy and made my way to my room, hoping to get there with no interactions. I definitely wasn't in the mood. But of course I wasn't so lucky. Right as I was about to enter into my room Steve stopped me.
"Hey Luna. How was school."
I bit back a sigh, "It was good, I just have a lot of homework I need to get to."
"You need any help?"
"No I think I'm good. But if I do I'll come find you."
Steve seemed happy with my response and left. I ducked into my room before someone stopped me again and nearly collapsed on my bed with a loud sigh. I didn't turn on the lights and just looked up at my ceiling, letting my thoughts over take me. Somethings wrong. I can feel it.
I roll over and rummage through my bag for my vape. I know vaping is bad and if Tony or Steve found out I'd get lectured or days on end. But at the same time I really didn't care. I didn't care about much these days. I had gotten into Tony's computer and disabled the smoke and vape detectors that Tony had enabled into F.R.I.D.A.Y.. He really should think about updating his password.
I finally grab and bring it to my mouth, inhaling and letting the nicotine fill my lungs. But of course, since solitary is not a thing that exists in this house I immediately hear a knock on my door.
I stuff my vape under my pillow quickly, "come in."
Bucky walks in with a small smile and sits on my bed. "Hey Kiddo."
"Hey."
I wasn't in the mood for talking. But I didn't want to be an asshole to Bucky. That's the same as kicking a puppy in my opinion.
"what's up?"
Bucky chuckles. "Nothing, just wanted to check on you. You were pretty quiet at breakfast."
I shrug. "Just tired. Not really in the mood for school."
He cocks his head to the side. "You sure? Seemed like it was a little more than that. You barely touched your food."
"Wasn't very hungry. It was too early."
He eyes me or a bit then nods. "If you say so doll."
I nod as he sighs and gets up.
"Well Steve's making pasta for dinner, it'll be done pretty soon so if you have any homework you should probably get it done before. He mentioned something about a sort of movie night after."
I nod again. "sounds good buck."
He nods and I watch him walk out, shutting my door behind him.
I sigh. Great. I glance over at my backpack as I hit my vape again. I'm months behind on my homework. I honestly can't remember the last time I did any and I'm to scared to check my grades. But I'll save that problem for another day. I open Spotify on my phone and shuffle a random playlist, covering my head with my blanket and letting the music drown out my thoughts. Well, most of them.
All I can think about is relapsing. Which is strange for a variety of reasons.
I've been clean for about a month and am usually able to distract myself when those thoughts come but for some reason today I just...can't. And I don't understand why. Today wasn't a great day but it definitely wasn't the worst one I've had. So what the fuck.
I catch my mind drifting to the shoe box under my bed where I kept my spare razors. I had gotten rid of my usual ones but I couldn't get myself to fully purge my supply. But before I can act on those thoughts I hear a knock on my door.
"Lunaaaaaa. Dinners ready." Clint says through my door.
I ignore him, rolling over to my back faces the door. Maybe if I don't answer he'll go away. God I hope so. But alas, that bird is a persistent motherfucker.
"Lunaaaaa I know your awakeeeeeeeee."