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“Mom?” Ikki asks her one day, and Yukimi turns. Ikki looks nervous, uncomfortable. I’m a way he has for months, ever since he quit soccer.
Yukimi can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not. A part of her says no, of course not! Her son had practically killed his own dream from guilt. The other part is just relieved that he stopped, because she knows no one else quite noticed how it all tore him apart.
And he didn’t… didn’t talk to her, for once. It’s a normal part of growing up, for kids to need their space, but it still worries her.
She wishes she knew what was wrong now, but it seems this might be an opportunity.
“Yes?” She asks.
“What… what if I were a girl?” Ikki asks. He shifts, nervously. Won’t look at her.
Oh, is this about…
“Well, you’d still be my wonderful daughter,” Yukimi says. “But I like Ikki just as he is. You’ll always be my wonderful son.”
“Oh,” Ikki says.
“This is about quitting soccer, right?” Yukimi asks. “And following in My footsteps.”
Ikki pauses, then he nods.
“Something like that,” he says. “I um…”
“Well none of that makes you less of a man, Ikki,” Yukimi says, placing her hands on his shoulders. Ikki flinches.
“Of course,” he says. “I know that. I’ve…” tears fill his eyes. “I’m scared, Mom. I’m tired. I don’t like feeling this way.”
Yukimi pulls him into a hug. Ikki clings to her, sobbing.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says. “Maybe not now, but I’m still here for you. You’all always be my son.”
After the final battle, Yukimi finds a stack of papers.
To Mom
…what?
Vice had the same handwriting as Ikki, Yukimi realizes, as she looks at the second page.
I’m sorry I couldn’t trust you. This should be Ikki’s choice, but if I want to go out on my own terms, gotta go all out, right? Most of the viewers aren’t allowed to know me as I am but damn if I’m not going to try!
Enclosed are my citizenship papers, and me and Ikki’s marriage certificate. I’m an Igarashi now! Isn’t that amazing! Hello world, I’m Igarashi Vice! I know you’re here to watch me to the end! :)
Thank you, Mom. You’ve been so wonderful in every way you knew. I know Ikki has a whole family to get back to. Maybe Ikki will trust you guys too, one day.
~IGARASHI VICE
…oh.
Yukimi looks through the papers.
… Oh.
That might do it, wouldn’t it?
Well, now Yukimi feels a little stupid, and a lot bit bad. Vice made Ikki come alive for the first time in years, and…
No one should have to lose their wife so young. Even if Ikki has forgotten.
(A thought: an answer she must come to terms with. A demon made of repression. If Vice is a girl, and she is Ikki…
Well, Yukimi will handle it better, this time. Of course she will. Ikki is still her beloved eldest child, after all.)
…Buu-San knows, Yukimi realizes.
She’s not upset, he’s very much a part of this family. But she had wondered, when he switched to calling Ikki “Ikki-Chan.”
“I don’t think it’s my place to say,” he says, when she asks him. “She… was scared you’d think less of her. A silly fear.”
“Of course,” Yukimi says. “But I understand it.”
“Are you going to say anything?”
“Only when she’s ready.”
Vice is back, sometimes, and she calls Ikki “Icchan” now, and Yukimi is so happy for her.
And for her daughter. She won’t be sure until Ikki is ready to talk, but it’s what she currently understands.
Yukimi knows what absolute love feels like. She feels it for her husband, for her four amazing children.
She sees it when Ikki grins at Vice, and just as much, each time Vice fades away again.
(It’s cruel, Yukimi thinks, except Ikki assures them that this is more than enough, and she seems almost honest when she says it.)
And Vice, too. Better or worse, she takes her mask off more, when the bathhouse is closed. Yukimi’s grown used to the pearly teeth, so like Vail yet so different, hidden under an otherwise quite humanoid face.
It was odd and nerve wracking, when she had to sit in silent knowing. It feels natural now.
“I uh,” Vice says, one day. “This is me. If it matters. It’s not… Icchan is Icchan.”
“I understand,” Yukimi says. She smiles. “I suppose Ikki really is so very like me. For better or worse.”
Vice laughs.
“You got that right!” She says. “But…”
“I won’t make the same mistake again,” Yukimi says. “But it’s her choice, not ours, isn’t it?”
Vice crosses her arms, too-large edges to her lips pouting.
“Good luck with that,” she says. “I’ve tried for years!”
“Hey, Ikki-Nii,” Sakura calls. “Kagerou talked me into going to the salon with him for manicures. Please don’t leave me alone.”
“I thought you liked those,” Ikki says, and Yukimi pretends not to hear the conversation. Sakura whines.
“Sure,” she says. “But not alone with Kagerou . Hana can’t come. Please …”
Yukimi looks over to see Ikki’s face, her longing and confliction barely hiding behind an amused smile. It’s hurt for so long, how much Ikki puts on herself. It hurts more, knowing she lifted some weights and still saved a few.
“I think that’s a great idea,” she says. Both her daughter jump, staring.
“You sure?” Ikki asks. Yukimi shrugs.
“Of course,” she says. “You should have fun.”
Ikki laughs awkwardly, a hand behind her neck.
“I’m not sure,” she says. “If this kind of thing is for me.”
So many things, Yukimi thinks. More clear in hindsight. Ikki got her ears pierced around when she quit soccer, and had asked Yukimi how to do her nails in ways that wouldn’t immediately wither, given the family business. Yukimi explained, and that was a little before…
Well. No use dwelling, really.
(Ikki stopped. Started acting closer to usual after that. She did seem to be healing, and Yukimi had figured it wasn’t all the way her place to intrude.)
“Well,” Sakura says. “It’s a thing for me. Please?”
“…Oh, alright,” Ikki says, still grinning.
Ikki approaches her one day, nervous.
“I found my marriage license,” Ikki says. “With the other documents. I…”
She trails off. Nerves do not look right on her. It was one of the most heartbreaking parts of when she forgot them. Still Ikki, plain as day, but the loss left her helpless and scared.
She looks like that now, too.
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Yukimi says. “But I’d like you to.”
“Vice is— Vice is different,” Ikki says. “I think they… they are whatever they like best. But I’m… they’re my wife. And I’m… a woman. I’m… me. But I’m also…”
Yukimi can’t take it. She hugs her. Her eldest daughter who has always been so wonderful. So self sacrificial yet arrogant all at once.
So kind yet so brash.
“You’re Ikki,” Yukimi says. “Or Icchan. Do you…”
“I’m both,” Ikki says. “I just…”
She’s choking up. Yukimi thinks she might be, as well.
“I’m sorry,” Yukimi says. “I’m so happy for you. You’ll always be my wonderful child, and the rest is up to you.”
Ikki cries.
(This time, it really does feel like something lifted.)