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When others were thinking about how to live each day, she was teetering on the edge of life and death.
This scene played countless times in her mind, 26 sleeping pills, and a mug filled with two-thirds of a cup of water.
"Statistics show that, unlike men, women usually prefer to handle this in a gentler way, which also includes considerations for other people and reasons for them to clean up more easily." Words dusted off in a textbook come to mind. While it was a little ironic that statistics made it easier to figure out what people tend to think, she herself would be one of those statistics that continues to speculate on people's minds.
One, two, three, four, five.
Five pills with cold water. Contrary to what she had expected thousands of times, Isobel was calm, until her hand clutching the remaining pills, hung in mid-air at the sound of opening door.
Talk me down.
Beyond the calmness, a small part of her whispered.
Talk her down.
He would spare no effort to make sure he did it.
“Talk to me.” He slowly approached her.
Silence filled the room.
“How many pills have you taken?”
"5." She whispered with an almost invisible voice.
She would never lie to him, never to him.
"Okay. Just put them down. We can talk about this."
She thought about what she saw when searching on her mobile phone before, "It's not just punishing yourself, it's hurting your innocent loved ones and it’s the beginning of dragging them down into the abyss."
Tears slid down from the corners of her eyes, she should have done this long ago, she was so cowardly. She shouldn’t delay this till she met him.
"I'm sorry, shouldn't have let you see this, and shouldn't have let you go through this."
The sight of the wallpaper knife slicing through her skin flashed back in her mind, without the bitter pain coming from her body, but she was in pain from the thought of wanting it to happen.
If that's not what you think, why do you think that?
Isobel didn't know, maybe deep down in her heart, she had always yearned for it, she couldn't tell.
A simple way of ending never exists. Come to yourself, Isobel.
"I've been such a coward, for not being able to take the step all this time, sorry to put you through all this time."
Jubal sat beside her, holding her hand, "Have you ever thought about this, that you choosing to continue shows exactly your bravery?"
"My presence has only been a problem for you, especially now. You are better off without me."
Her gaze shifted to all kinds of medicine bottles on the sideboard. She couldn't ignore his dark circles, and she couldn't imagine the feeling of death's scythe on the neck of his loved ones twice. She knew how much he hated hospitals because of Tyler's illness, and she couldn't put into words how guilty she felt for being the reason why he commuted to the hospital this frequently.
"You never bother me."
That’s a lie.
"No, it’s not. You're a light in my life, and I would never give up on you."
How could you still not want to leave me after all these? You can’t bond to a stone that makes you sink in the sea.
"Look at me, Isobel." He tried to swallow the remorse that welled up in his heart because of the guilt he saw when his eyes met hers.
"You matter to me, and you never bother me, Isobel. We will get through this, together." He took out the pills in her hand and held her in his arms with his other arm until the sound of weeping gradually vanished, until she closed her eyes and fell asleep.
She told him her deepest, darkest secret.
The first rays of the morning sun shine on them. The previous day is over.
Yes, they will have a good talk, and go to the hospital, together.
A new chapter is about to unfold, and no matter how this goes, they will face it together.