Chapter Text
Smash Bros Odyssey Book 3: Brawl
Chapter 1
Briefing and eating
Snake searched for his name on the bulletin board in Smash Mansion’s main foyer. Unfurling the envelope, with his name, he grumbled to himself.
“What’s the matter Snake? Not excited to have a roommate?” snarked Campbell from the CODEC system wired into Snake’s ear.
“Who is Sonic the Hedgehog?” asked Solid Snake/
Otacon’s gasp of shock was so loud and exaggerated that Solid Snake nearly dropped the slip of paper that contained his room assignment.
“Only gaming’s biggest icon next to Mario,” Otacon jittered.
Snake only grumbled.
“Why couldn’t I have gotten Lucario? He seemed more like my kinda guy.” Snake asked.
“Remember Snake, friendly counsel cuts off many foes. Otacon will be a great guide for this, and you should act accordingly,” Mei Ling said, her tone as soft and nurturing as ever.
“Mei Ling is correct Snake,” snapped the authoritative voice of Colonel Roy Campbell. “We’re in unfamiliar territory, and Otacon will be your best guidance.”
“Yeah yeah, I know,” Snake’s raspy voice was bashful, defensive.
With that, he headed up the grand staircase, looking for Room 3. Odd numbered rooms on one side, even on the other, it was easy to insert the keycard. As soon as he opened the door, he saw Sonic the Hedgehog, laying on his side in between the two beds, watching TV.
“Heh, took you long enough,” laughed the hedgehog, not looking up from the TV.
Snake sighed. The blue guy reminded him of Meryl, young and cocksure, but she at least had the skills to back it up. Maybe Fatman painted a more appropriate picture?
Snake shivered. He did not want to think about Fatman.
“I’m assuming if we’ll be sharing quarters we should get appointed. My name’s David, but I go mostly by my codename, Solid Snake.”
Sonic jumped up, extending his fist, “I’m Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog.”
Snake eyed the gesture warily. Time stood still.
“You’ve never heard of a…” Sonic began to balk.
Snake’s icy glare made sure Sonic’s insistence died in his throat. To this, Sonic crossed his arms.
“Sheesh, whatever,” Sonic grumbled rolling his eyes, “You can take both beds if you want, push ‘em together. I prefer the ground myself. I’m out and about in the world most of the time, so sleeping on a bed feels like sleeping on a…”
“Marshmallow,” Snake finished.
Sonic’s grumpy expression loosened, his eyes widening.
“So you're more of a nomad too huh?” Sonic asked.
“Been in so many hot LZs over the years it became my standard of living.”
“Yeah,” Sonic nodded, “A lot of my friends have offered to let me room with them. but I don’t like being a burden. As long as I can get a good night’s rest before Eggman rears his ugly head yet again. I’m good.”
Snake sighed. Sonic must’ve caught it because his loosening posture bristled once again, and yet another awkward silence came up between the two. Both of their Smash Communicators went off at the same time, Sonic flailing in shock.
“Woah,” Sonic chuckled as he snapped back to normal, “Gonna take a while to get used to it huh?”
Snake rolled his eyes again. This time, he made sure Sonic caught it before reading the new message.
New Smasher orientation at 1000 hours, hosted by Samus Aran
“At least this part is familiar to you, military time and meetings,” Colonel Campbell joked.
Sonic’s ears twitched.
“Did you hear that voice?” he asked.
“Oh,” Snake said, “I’ve also got the assistance of my support team, who I’m sure you’ll meet once we get leave approved.”
Sonic grinned, “Dude, you have to hook me up with one of those, Being in touch with my friends at all times like that would be way past cool!”
“This is experimental tech, highly classified,” Snake snapped.
“Well, you and your high class behind should get to orientation if you’re gonna be like that.”
“I said highly classified tech, not high class.”
Snake suddenly raised an eyebrow, as Sonic’s demand that he head for orientation sunk in
Snake raised an eyebrow, “Are you…kicking me out of my room?”
Sonic smirked with a shrug.
“Well, I wasn’t. But if that pisses you off, then yeah, that’s what I’m doing.”
“How old are you?” Snake demanded.
“Just turned 18 this June,” Sonic replied.
“Hm. Maybe Big Boss was right. Maybe they should raise the capacity for being an adult.”
With that, Snake turned on his heel, marching out of the room, and setting the door behind him.
“Well,” Mei Ling laughed, “That went well.”
“Thought I knew some punks when we’d get recruits in FOXHOUND,” Snake growled, “But he may be the worst of them all.”
“That’s what made him popular in the 90s,” Otacon insisted, “That flippant attitude is the voice of a generation.”
Snake scoffed as he descended the mansion’s staircase “Everyone knows American culture died when Reagan let the libertarians run amok.”
Mei Ling laughed again, “Fair, but I would keep the political talk down if I were you. Most of these people still believe in complete monarchies, at least.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want to expose the penguin king to Reaganomics,” said Snake.
As he moved through the empty cafeteria, he found himself looking at an empty Conference Room B. He moved into a seat near the head of the table. The knight from the mock battle teleported into the seat next to him.
“Ah, Sir Snake,” he purred, “A pleasure to truly meet you.”
“Likewise,” Snake nodded, “Your skills with that sword are impressive.”
“Galaxia is a mere extension of my body. My opponents are merely the canvas upon which I show my skills and discipline.”
Snake grinned, “You sound like a swordsman from my neck of the woods.”
“Perhaps I will meet him on the field of battle.”
“Retired,” Snake shook his head.
Meta-Knight was struck silent long enough for Lucario, Olimar, and Diddy to filter in, the latter two eagerly chatting amongst each other.
“For someone to retire in your line of work when even you have not means that that person is an incredible warrior.”
Snake caught the end of Wolf and Wario’s conversation about cigars as they walked into the room. Ignoring their selfish, ignorant chatter, he nodded, “I can’t think of anyone who’s had my back more often on the battlefield besides my support team.”
Meta-Knight seemed to grunt in thought.
“I was reading your file a while ago, and it mentioned a woman named…”
“Time to come out guys!” shouted the voice of Red, his trio of monsters erupting out of baseball-sized containment apparatuses.
Thank God, thought Snake.
A hollow “thump, could be heard. Everyone else in the room turned to see Ike and Lucas awkwardly staring at each other.
“Aye, sorry,” Ike mumbled.
“No, it was my fault, I bumped into you.”
The two were pushed apart by the penguin king Snake had seen meandering around the Mansion.
“EY!” snapped Dedede, “The sooner y’all get your crap together, the sooner we can be done with this hootenanny!”
Meta-Knight immediately stood from his chair snapping to attention,
“Sire!” he called, “Please take this seat next to me. I saved it, especially for you.”
“Somebody’s got their crap together around heuh,” Dedede boasted. Toon Link snuck into the back of the room just as Samus sauntered into the room.
“So sorry I’m late!” huffed Pit, a tail of angel’s feathers in his wake as he charged into the room, “Pit of The Guard of Palutena reporting for duty.”
“Figured you would have been the most timely of all of us,” Ike mused.
Ignoring Wario and Dedede’s snickers, Pit stood firm in military attention, “I simply had to report back to Her Highness, that’s all.”
As Wario opened his mouth to say more, Samus cleared her throat, bringing the room to silence.
“If everyone is here we can begin,” Samus droned.
Snake smirked, Something about getting to tattle on Sonic to a monotone military type invoked his pettiest, most childish urges.
“The hedgehog is late, but that’s not surpri-”
Snake’s snitching died in mid-sentence when Sonic zoomed into the room, snapping from a marathon runner’s stance to standing completely still in a cartoonish, snapping motion.
“Somebody say my name?” he asked, taking a seat in the back next to Toon Link.
“EY!” Wario bellowed, “WHY-A IS-A DA BUCKET OF BOLTS NOT A-HERE?”
If Wario’s outburst had evoked any sort of reaction in Samus, she didn’t show it, her expression completely stoic.
“ROB is already aware of the mansion’s functions, as he will be our quartermaster from now on.”
Samus cleared her throat.
“I will be informing you of the Mansion’s amenities floor by floor. For the main floor, we have the foyer, used for all social events and general relaxation. We have two types of food service, a kitchen for cooking, and a cafeteria for use if you wish to be served food. You have all been made aware of the use of the residency halls, and thus we will move on to the basement levels…”
Snake faked a cough to sneak massaging his temple. He’d stood at attention for many a ramble from an old Vietnam vet waiting for his pension to kick in, but Samus was by far the most boring, monotone speaker he’d ever witnessed.
Despite that, he saw blatant similarity...
Snake looked around. He heard the pounding drums and intense lyrics of Them and Us by Bad Religion playing from somewhere. Soon, he found the culprit. Sonic had a first-gen I-pod smuggled under his armpit, headphones stuck into his ears. Sonic’s gaze immediately snapped to meet his gaze. Snake grinned. Sonic grinned back.
45 minutes later
Snake and Sonic walked out of the meeting together. They shared a thankful glance, leaving Pit to yammer at Samus about a connection they shared as the rest of the group filed behind them.
“So, the cafeteria can conjure any food you want eh?” Ike declared, “I say we put that to the test.”
Lucario immediately darted in the other direction, back up the grand stairwell. Those that remained murmured in agreement.
“What’s up with that Lucario guy?” Olimar wondered as the group filed in.
“It’s a species thing,” Red explained, “Because its trainer isn’t here, Lucario is probably being standoffish.”
“Heh, way to toot yer own horn kid,” Dedede scoffed from the back of the group.
“I mean it,” Red snapped, “You evolve these things by being friends with it.”
“Maybe that’s why your little turtle is so shrimpy,” Dedede spat.
“HEY! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT SQUIRTLE, YA FAT FARFETCH’D?” Charizard roared.
“Calm down big man,” grumbled Ivysaur, trotting next to him.
Snake chuckled.
“What?” Red asked.
“Just wouldn’t expect the onion frog to have such a sultry voice.”
Red grinned back as the group entered the empty cafeteria. Behind a counter, a Wire Frame stood at attention.
“So,” Wolf scoffed, “Do you have to fight that thing or what?”
Wario laughed as Dedede immediately brandished his hammer, “I’MMA CLOBBER DAT DERE LUNCH LADY!”
The Galaxia immediately flew to block the hammer.
“Sire no,” Meta-Knight begged, “Further investigation is needed.”
King Dedede grumbled defeatedly as Sonic zoomed up to the waiting automaton.
“Welcome Mister Hedgehog! What would you like?”
Sonic’s eyes widened, Snake winced as he saw a mischievous glint in his blue-furred roommate’s eye
“Make me a Chili Dog a la Sonic,” Sonic commanded, crossing his arms.
Despite the specificity of his order and the lack of contextual information, the Wire Frame didn’t flinch.
“Right away sir,” it said.
To the shock of everyone, a hotdog covered in chili appeared in a flash of light.
“Is this heaven? Have I bit the dust?” asked an awe-struck Dedede.
Sonic picked up the dog, sniffing it.
“Woah,” moaned Sonic, “You can taste the barbeque sauce and the Worcestershire sauce. Most people forget that!”
Snake winced as the rest clamored amongst each other. Rolling his eyes at his roommate, Sonic took a bite. His eyes widened, and his muscles relaxed.
“This is the best dog I’ve ever had,” Sonic proclaimed.
As the rest of the group clamored excitedly, Wario sauntered up to the counter.
“ALRIGHT YA VECTOR GRAPHICS GAME LOOKIN’ IDIOT-A. GIVE ME-A GARLIC PIE, THE WAY MONA MAKES IT!”
“Coming right up Mister Wario,” said the Wire Frame.
The pie appeared in a flash of light, a garlic clove at its center. As the group was struck dumb by the overwhelming scent of garlic, Pit flew into the room.
“Is that made of garlic?” he asked, his authoritative voice a childlike quiver.
“What does it-a look- like pretty boy-a?” Wario sneered.
“I’ll have you know that garlic is a delicacy of Skyworld. May I partake in a piece?”
“Yeah, me too,” Olimar added, “I’m a vegetarian myself.”
In one bite, Wario engulfed the entire pie, concluding, “I don’t share.” before stomping off.
“What a prick,” Snake mumbled.
“Yo! Snake!” Sonic waved.
Snake blinked. In the fracas, Sonic had acquired another chili dog and found a table, motioning him over. Snake sighed, heading over to the table.
“You want one dude?” asked Sonic.
“I don’t eat stuff like that, sorry.”
Sonic frowned, “After all the effort I went through to get it for you.”
The conversation was broken by an impressed group ‘Oooh’ Ike had generated a sandwich that was, by Snake’s estimation about eleven slices of meat high.
“You conjured it magically,” Snake growled indignantly.
“And? That’s way past cool!” Sonic snapped back.
“Will you stop saying that?”
“No! It’s a great descriptor!”
“This is how a peacekeeping organization behaves itself? Using phrases that sound like it’s from a cartoon to market sugary cereal to children? Getting your favorite food…” Snake sputtered, “Conjured to you?”
“I don’t have to defend having fun dude,” Sonic stood up, eating the chili dog, “I’ll see ya later.”
And with that, Sonic zoomed off.
“And we’re ‘o’ for two on the social front,” snarked Otacon.
“You should know Snake, food is as great an offering as can ever be offered to you,” Mei Ling added.
Snake grumbled,
“Where’s that proverb from?”
“It’s from everywhere!” Mei Ling insisted, “In every civilized society!!”
“I get it,” Snake finally growled.
Dedede sauntered past, gluttonously munching on two chicken thighs, one in each hand.
“Ya know, you sound as crazy as a government mule when you talk to yer headphones right?” Dedede advised.
“That’s not a saying. You’re messing it up.”
“Well I’m king and that’s how it is in Dreamland,” Dedede marched away.
Snake rolled his eyes just as the PA flared to life. Toon Link was being summoned.
“Whoops!” Toon Link bolted past with a bowl of soup, “The other me wants to train.
“I’ll follow you,” Snake said, “I’ve been meaning to scope out the facilities more.”
Toon Link skidded to a halt, smiling, “Always good the have a friend,”
“Yeah,” Snake nodded as the two walked out of the cafeteria and down to the sublevels
“Unbelievable” Mei Ling joked, “We’re 1 for 2,”
“He’ll widen that gap sooner than you think,” Otacon joked back.
Snake eventually stopped his descent down the massive stairwell, stopping off in a room with a giant TV at its center, and arcade cabinets dotting the walls. On the TV, Falco and Mario held odd-looking controllers, each sharing a screen in which they piloted a jet.
“Damn padnah,” said Falco, “You’re good at this game,”
“Coming from-a you,” Mario laughed, “That means a lot. Me and Weegee used to play games all the time, that is until he got the mansion and the girl,”
“Little jealous you ain’t number one anymore huh?” said Falco, not looking away from the screen.
“Not so much that, it’s just that Luigi spends all his time with her. That’s why I’m down here, to get away from all the…”
Falco shot down Mario’s virtual Arwing in the fracas.
“Damn it,” Mario cursed.
“Excuse me, do you mind if I take the next game?” Snake asked.
“This thing’s got up to four players,” Falco said, “You can just join us,”
Snake nodded, grabbing a controller before taking a seat.
“You were saying?” Mei’s laughter echoed over the comms.
Snake ignored them. There were video games to beat.