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The moon is hanging high over Jackson, casting a silvery light in the tiny alley where Joel walks silently. His rifle on his back, his boots covered in forest mud, the now 57-year-old-man is coming home from patrol duty, exhausted. After what seems an eternity to him, Joel arrives at the door of the small house he shares with Ellie. He slides in the key, and as it turns effortlessly, he smiles to himself. It looks like Ellie finally decided to oblige him and lock the door, after him continuously telling her to do so.
When he enters the house, he instinctively tenses up, his good ear cocked, his eyes piercing the darkness. All is calm. Joel turns the light on and closes the door behind him. With a great sigh, he takes is coat and rifle off, and hangs them onto the rickety hall tree Ellie has found last week at Jackson’s flea market. Then he bends down to untie and take his shoes off, and immediately after, he heads towards the stairs.
Climbing silently to the first floor, he cautiously approaches Ellie’s bedroom door. Very slowly, he opens it and peers inside the girl’s room. The moonlight falls onto her bed in a soft caress, and Joel lets out a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding. There, under the covers, he can distinctly see Ellie’s small shape, deeply asleep. He nods to himself, satisfied, and closes the door softly before making his way back down to the kitchen.
When he opens the door to make himself a sandwich, he sees a plate wrapped up in brown paper. On the paper, a note reads:
"For you, because someone has to feed you!"
He chuckles, touched. They’ve been living in this house since they came back from Silver Lake a few months ago. Since then, Joel has done his best to teach Ellie to cook. Himself not exactly being a culinary artist, their regular cooking sessions look more like they are both trying to figure things out and help each other than an actual lesson. Nevertheless, as time goes on, Ellie regularly tries to prepare meals on her own when he’s not there, and she never fails to leave him something, especially when he’s on night patrol.
Joel takes the plate out of the fridge, and grabs a beer as well. Then he sits down at the table and proceeds to unwrap the plate and see what Ellie made him. This time, it looks like she tried some stew. Joel cannot stop from chuckling fondly when he sees that Ellie threw entire leaves of mint inside the stew, knowing he enjoys that herb. The meal is not particularly good, and it even tastes a bit burnt, but Joel savors every spoon. More than his body, the stew is feeding and warming his soul, because it was so obviously made with love.
When he’s done eating, he lingers in the small kitchen for a while, enjoying the peace and sipping his beer slowly. Then, when his eyes eyes start getting heavy, he stands up, creaking his joints. He lifts the now empty plate, and proceeds to wash it, trying not to make too much noise. He hangs it into the small metal dryer next to the sink, and turns back to the stairs, turning the light off as he once more begins climbing to the upper floor.
After picking up an old shirt, pants and clean boxers from his bedroom, Joel shuffles towards the bathroom, his eyes almost closed with weariness. He turns the water on, and lets it run for a few moments before entering the shower, letting out a deep groan of pleasure at the feeling of warm water on his tired shoulders. He still remembers when, after months of horror and wandering in the wastelands, Ellie and him returned to Jackson and enjoyed their first warm shower since a long time. Hell, he doesn’t think he will ever get tired of it, especially when he knows all of this can disappear within the blink of an eye.
He shakes his head, trying not to think about the different scenarios he often pictures in his mind. Jackson being attacked by raiders, overrun by infected or assailed by FEDRA, the walls crumbling to the ground, people running and shouting in panic, bullets flying everywhere… and Ellie being ripped away from him.
Hell… He still shudders when remembering that day, in Salt Lake City, when the Fireflies assaulted them with a smoke grenade, and grabbed Ellie. He remembers her screams as she was swallowed up in the fog and the cold, ugly fear that gripped his heart, almost crushing him to the concrete floor. A few minutes before, he was confessing to Ellie how much she meant to him. And then, after sharing with her one of the most important emotional moments of his life, Ellie was taken away from him, so easily it still drives him mad thinking about it. He then remembers Marlene telling him that Ellie was essentially going to be sacrificed, and that he was never going to see her again. He remembers how his entire mind snapped and turned him into a cold-blooded killer, slaughtering every living thing in that hospital.
Then another image fills his mind. Ellie’s brown eyes staring at him, trying to decide if her faith in him is misguided, and if she can really believe him about what happened with the Fireflies. He remembers how his brain had frozen completely, and how his mouth had worked almost against his will, lying straight to her face.
If she finds out one day… she will never, ever forgive me…
…and she will probably leave me.
As the clear water falls on his graying hair, traveling down his beard and falling on his muscular shoulders and chest, Joel winces, his breath itching in the familiar sign of an upcoming panic attack. He shakes his head again to chase away the thoughts. Focus on the present, he keeps telling himself, breathing deeply to calm his nerves. Right now, everything is fine. Ellie is with him, they are living together in a small but comfortable house, and they are increasingly becoming part of the Jackson community. Ellie attends school and has made a few good friends, and Joel alternates between different jobs, lending a hand wherever it is needed, and mostly working with his brother.
Hell, even Maria, his sister-in-law, has started warming up to him, especially after experiencing first hand the depth of the bond tying Joel and Ellie together. Indeed, Maria had a huge fight with Ellie one day. A few weeks after coming back to Jackson, Maria tried to arrange for Ellie to come live with Tommy and her, insisting on the fact she didn’t trust Joel to take care of her. Ellie was so enraged, and so afraid that Joel was going to be taken from her again, that she snapped. She started howling and sobbing like a wounded animal, and became uncontrollable. Maria tried to calm her down, but Ellie was throwing such a tantrum that no one could touch or reason with her. Tommy called Joel urgently by talkie, as the older man was out of town hunting. Joel hurried back as fast as he could, and when he arrived in Tommy’s house, all he needed was to call Ellie’s name for the girl to run straight into his arms, clinging to him so hard she actually hurt him. Joel wrapped his arms around her tightly, and asked Tommy and Maria to give them a moment alone.
Joel didn't know that, but as he comforted Ellie, shushing her and rocking her in his arms like a small child, Maria was observing them. The tenderness and devotion she saw in Joel, that day, convinced her that in spite of everything that man had done in his life, he was now truly Ellie’s father. The strength of their bond touched her so much she never tried to separate them again, and actually felt guilty for attempting it in the first place.
Lost in his thoughts, Joel rubs the soap into his hands before massaging his tense muscles and cleaning the grime off his stout body. After a time, he shuts the water off and proceeds to drying himself. He quickly brushes his teeth, inspecting his tired face in the mirror. Then he starts putting on his night clothes.
He is halfway through buttoning his old shirt up when an ear-splitting shriek shatters the night. Joel starts, his hand instinctively going to his back pocket and seeking to grasp a gun that is not there. He swears when his hand meets only air, and all but throws the bathroom door open. As he stares down the corridor, the scream rises again, so full of anguish and terror that it constricts Joel’s heart.
“Ellie…”, he breathes out, his voice merely a strangled gasp.
He bolts to the girl’s bedroom and opens the door. He can see Ellie’s frail form writhing in the bed, twisting from one side to the other. She looks as though she is fighting the battle of her life, her hands alternating between shielding her body and clawing desperately at an invisible figure.
“Fuck…” Joel whispers, before launching himself forward.
He climbs on the bed and tries to figure out a way to touch Ellie without frightening her. He reaches out his hands and calls:
“Ellie…. Baby girl, wake up, Ellie!”
“Go away!! Leave me alone!” Ellie screams, her hands clasping around her throat, scratching her fair skin.
Joel can’t stand the sight of Ellie hurting herself, and he knows he has to do something. He catches her shoulders and tries to lift her up and pull her in his arms.
“Ellie, it’s me, Joel. Wake up darling, wake up!”
They fight for a few seconds, Joel wincing and grunting as he tries to wrap his arms around Ellie and keep her nails away from her skin as well as his. The teenager is besides herself with panic and rage, and she looks more feral animal than human. She claws at Joel, going from harrowing sobs to howls of anger. All the while, Joel tries to reach her mind, calling her name, striving to make her aware of his presence. In the end, much stronger than the frail girl, Joel manages to bring Ellie into his embrace. He wedges her face into his bare chest with a hand coiling in her hair, his other arm encircling her shoulders, his jaw resting on top of her head.
“Shhhh, Ellie, it’s okay…I’m here, baby, I’m here…”, he shushes her again and again, holding her firmly while the girl keeps pounding against his chest.
Suddenly, he realizes something. Ellie is gasping for air, and she’s starting to hyperventilate. Afraid of smothering her into his chest, Joel loosens his embrace and cups her face into his hands.
“Ellie, wake up!”, he exclaims again.
This time, Ellie’s eyes snap open, and the sheer terror flashing in them takes Joel aback. She punches him violently on the nose and then springs out of his arms, scrambling away. She eventually falls to the floor and retreats into the corner of the wall.
“Get away from me!! Don’t you fucking touch me! Don’t come near me!!” She yells, gasping for air.
Joel groans as he massages his nose, but he quickly pulls himself together and raises both his hands in the air.
“Okay, okay, baby girl. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. But please, darling, please breathe”, he says in his low, husky voice, trying to stop it from shaking.
Very slowly, Joel climbs off the bed and starts making his way around it towards Ellie. The girl gasps again.
"Don’t…Stay where you are…"
Joel raises his hands again in a sign of surrender, and slowly, progressively, he settles down a few feet away from her, as she recoils against the corner of the wall.
"I’m staying right here, baby. Breathe, you have to breathe, darling. I won’t touch until you let me, I promise", he whispers, his voice loving and full of concern.
Her chest is heaving, and while she keeps a hand raised in front of her to keep him at bay, the other hand claws at her heart.
“I…I can’t…I can’t f-fucking breathe…”
It takes everything Joel has to resist jumping forward and gather her back in his arms. Instead, he closes his eyes. He is keenly aware of the fact that himself must be as calm as possible if he hopes to help Ellie. He takes a deep breath, and lowers his arms. Then he opens his eyes again, and speaks in a deep, soft voice.
“Ellie, darling, don’t be afraid. You are having a panic attack. It’s totally all right, but you need to control your breathing, or you’re gonna pass out, baby.”
Ellie now has both of her hands grasping at the fabric of her shirt, her face contorted in a mask of pain and fear.
“Ellie, look at me”, Joel says, his voice expertly mixing authority with tenderness.
Ellie raises panicked eyes to him.
“I want you to watch me closely, and follow my lead. Can you do that for me?”
The young girl nods quickly, and Joel nods back.
“All right, on my mark, you are going to take a deep, long breath in. All right, honey? Okay now, breathe in…”, he says, motioning with his hands to show how his chest expands as he breathes in deeply.
Ellie tries to follow him but breathes in too fast, and she gasps, panicking like a fish struggling on the sand.
“I can’t, Joel! I..”
“Shh-shh-shh, Ellie, it’s okay, it’s okay darling. You’re trying to breathe too fast. When you inhale, you need to make it last for at least five seconds. Like this.”
He slowly breathes in, raising his hand in the air, his fingers counting off the seconds until his lungs are full, and then he exhales through his mouth, doing the same thing with his hand.
“You inhale for five seconds, and then you exhale for five seconds. Okay, baby girl? You can do it. Come on. Now, inhale with me darling, and focus on me.”
He takes the lead again, his fingers still counting off the seconds. Ellie watches him closely, and this time, she manages to control her breathing enough to slow it down. After they exhale, Joel encourages her.
“That’s very good darling. You’re doing great. Again, baby.”
For a couple of minutes, they breathe deeply together, their bodies apart, but their eyes intertwined in a powerful embrace. Ellie doesn’t stop staring at Joel, his familiar features a lifeline in the darkness about to swallow her.
“That’s it, baby…Focus on me…Focus on me honey, and breathe…”
While she inhales and exhales, Ellie’s eyes wander on Joel’s face. She observes how his bushy brows draw a straight line over his dark, deeply set eyes. She observes how his wet, dark curly hair is framing his angular, tanned face. Her eyes follow his hooked nose and thin mouth crowned by a gray-haired mustache, they slide along his square jaw, down to his strong neck, and fall on the smooth skin of his rising and falling chest. She then watches how his arms are slightly reached out to her, the muscles tense and ready to pull her into that broad and warm chest. At this moment while he is still breathing slowly and encouraging her, she feels a violent urge to launch herself forward and hide her face into his sternum, never to leave his arms again.
But something is locking her in place.
A part of her mind is not completely out of her nightmare, not totally free of these ghastly hands and monstrous eyes, of the horrible words that were screamed at her from all sides.
No one ever wanted you...
I’ll cut you into tiny little pieces…
The fighting is my favorite part…
Her breath hitches again, and she closes her eyes.
Your only chance of redeeming all the deaths you’ve caused was to be the source of the cure, but you couldn’t even manage that.
She can distantly hear Joel try and call her back to reality, but she’s slipping back into the darkness.
I don’t want you. You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.
Those words, said by that voice… A tear escapes her closed eye and a whimper rips out of her throat, as she suffocates. She struggles to come back to reality, to that same voice that is now calling her, full of warmth and undying love.
"Ellie!! Look at me darling, I’m right here!"
Joel winces as he raises his voice, for he knows shouting is not exactly the best way to calm someone having a panic attack. Yet he also knows he has to reach Ellie at all costs, and he’s trying to avoid touching her, as he would break his promise doing so. Thankfully, his voice seems to do the trick, and Ellie’s eyes snap back open, looking at him with a mix of relief, earth-shattering sorrow and absolute terror.
“Baby, stay with me. Look at me darling… Don’t stop looking at me. I’m here, you’re okay, you’re safe with me. Let’s have a couple more breaths okay? Just a few more.”
Her eyes lock once more with Joel’s gaze. The utmost love and tenderness she sees there once more pulls her out of the depths of her mind, as though Joel is actually hauling her up from the brim of a cold, dark hole.
"That’s it, honey. Again", Joel says, starting on another breathing cycle, his eyes never leaving Ellie’s.
The teen follows him obediently, controlling her breath, and progressively getting it under control.
"You’re doing great Ellie. Again."
They keep breathing for a couple more moments, and then, when her breathing is under control once more, Ellie lets out a deep sigh.
“Better?” Joel asks softly.
“Yeah…I…I’m sorry Joel…I…”
“Shhh…Don’t you apologize, baby. It’s okay”, Joel shushes her tenderly.
Ellie nods gratefully.
“Thank you. I…I think I never had a panic attack before, that really sucks.”
“Yeah, you can definitely say that. Don’t worry though, I too have them sometimes. “
"Really? You never told me", Ellie says, a hint of reproach in her voice.
" I didn’t want to worry you. It’s okay, it’s no big deal", Joel answers reassuringly, obviously not telling her that he almost had one in the shower fifteen minutes ago.
" I…I’m sorry I hit you… " Ellie mumbles, her eyes wet.
"Don’t worry about it. I’ve survived way worse, you know. You can pack a hell of a punch though", Joel says, in an attempt to raise her spirits.
Ellie has a small guilty smile, but doesn’t answer.
They remain there in silence for about a minute. Joel is observing her, flexing his fingers, still fighting the urge to hug her. Ellie is now breathing more calmly, but her eyes are still haunted by something. Her face is drawn, tired, a stark contrast between the experience of a much older woman, and the vulnerability of a toddler.
Joel shifts in his position, and clears his throat softly.
"You hum… you wanna talk about it?", he breathes out.
Ellie shakes her head, her teeth clenching, her hand sliding in her messy brown hair, wincing at the images spawning back in her mind.
" Okay, okay baby. You don’t have to say anything. I’m just here for you. Stay with me, honey." Joel soothes her.
Another silence settles in. Joel is patient. He understands that right now, his presence is all that matters to Ellie. This is not the first time she wakes up screaming and crying. Although usually, she actually lets Joel hold her and comfort her. Every time, she ends up falling asleep against his chest, lulled by his voice and his arms.
This time though, he can feel all her body radiating fear and repulsion, as though she cannot bear the mere fact of being touched. Joel doesn’t take it personally though. He just figures her dream, this time, must have been particularly bad. So he waits for an opening, for a crack in the wall she shut herself in, knowing it might take time.
"How…How was patrol?" Ellie asks, obviously trying to engage in conversation in order to keep her mind busy.
The sadness lingering in her eyes, though, stabs Joel right through the heart. Such sorrow should never find its way in his little girl’s eyes, he thinks.
He gulps, hugging himself to actually put his arms to use.
"I been partnered with a new guy ", he says, following Ellie’s lead.
That gets Ellie’s attention, and seems to make her forget her troubles for a second.
“What happened to Merkins?”, she asks worriedly.
Joel shakes his head reassuringly.
“Nothing bad, don’t worry. He just asked for a day shift so he could take care of his newborn kid.”
Ellie sighs in relief and nods. Then she raises her eyes to Joel again, curious.
“So, what’s the new guy like?”
Joel sighs.
“He’s nice…if you like the full-of-crap-arrogant-non-stop-talking-piece-of-shit-style...”
Ellie’s face actually brightens as she giggles and rolls her eyes.
“Oh man, come on, that’s a bit of an exaggeration right there isn’t it?”
“It really isn’t though. Look, that guy is like half my age and...I dunno what he’s trying to do with me...Trying to impress me or whatever...But he keeps spinning wild tales out of his ass about beating the crap out of countless infected. I mean tonight he actually told me he escaped from a swarm of fucking clickers with just one gun and two bullets for fuck’s sake.”
Ellie covers her mouth to stifle her laughter, her eyes wide with disbelief.
“No fucking way! Com’on, tell me more about that guy, he sounds priceless.”
Joel sighs again, shaking his head. He really doesn’t want to talk about Jensen, as the guy annoys the hell out of him. However, he looks back at Ellie, and takes in her big brown eyes staring at him expectantly, her mouth drawn into a mischievous smile, her teeth biting her lower lip. She seems to be out of her demons’ grasp for just a moment, and Joel would do anything to keep her from the darkness and sorrow lingering in her heart. So he huffs, but obliges.
He launches himself into telling her all the bullshit Jensen has fed him tonight, for the entire four hours they spent patrolling together. Joel has to admit that the guy actually has a talent for inventing stories, but one look at his stance and his way of holding a gun is worth more than a thousand words to determine the true extent of Jensen’s field experience. After hearing about a new particularly stupid story the guy has fed Joel, Ellie bursts into a loud, clear laughter, whose shining strength takes Joel slightly by surprise. The older man’s chest floods with warmth and his face softens in a gentle, fond smile. He watches her as she gasps, reveling in the sight of her holding her stomach, her mouth wide open, her eyes shut tight in the throes of a much-needed and hearty laughter. He thinks that right now, there’s no prettier sound or sight in the world.
"Man, I’d kill just to see your face when he told you that shit!" Ellie laughs, wiping a tear from her eye.
Joel huffs, a sound stuck between a groan and a laugh.
"Yeah well...Thank God it was dark ‘cause I reckon he would’ve pissed his pants".
They laugh together for a while. Then silence falls again, soft and comfortable. Joel sees Ellie shift slightly in the moonlight. Without looking at Joel, she shuffles closer to him, like a shy mouse. The older man holds his breath. He tries not to move, while at the same time making sure his posture lets her know she can come to him and snuggle close. Ellie, though, stops next to him, her shoulder brushing his. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply. Joel can feel her shake slightly, and he can tell this simple move asked a tremendous effort.
"Hey there…", he says softly, gazing down at her.
Ellie raises her eyes to him, and she takes solace in his gentle smile. Her heart clenches painfully at the sight of the unconditional love that radiates off Joel’s handsome face, brighter than a thousand suns, more tender than a river of feathers. She can suddenly feel tears coming up to her eyes, though she cannot explain why, and she lowers her head sharply, stubbornly looking at her bare feet. Joel’s brow furrows in concern, and he leans slightly, very slightly towards her.
"You don’t ever have to look tough in front of me, baby girl. You know that right?", he says in a husky whisper.
Ellie just nods and hugs her legs, laying her jaw on her knees. She looks so lonely and frail that Joel actually bites his lip and digs his nails into his arms not to yank her against him and crush her to his chest. They remain like this for a while, and then, slowly, Ellie lays her head against Joel’s arm. She sighs, and Joel can feel a bit of tension leaving her shoulders.
That’s his signal, and he decides to make a move.
" So err…do you want a… you know…I can...err…"
He mumbles incoherently for a few seconds, unable to properly ask her whether or not she wants him to hug her. Then he sighs and shakes his head, running a hand through his wet hair and cursing himself and his awkward behavior.
Ellie raises her eyes to him and chuckles, an amused smile brightening her pale, tired face.
"You’re still really not good at this, are you, you old fucker?"
Joel sighs again and then throws caution to the winds. He turns his torso fully towards her and opens his arms wide.
"Okay that’s it. Shut the hell up and come here, you little shit", he says with a slight smirk twisting his thin lips.
Ellie chuckles again and all but throws herself into his embrace, burying her face into his bare chest, nuzzling her nose in the cavity of his sternum. Letting out a groan of relief, Joel lifts her from the ground and settles her on his lap, casting her legs over his thighs. He then presses her cheek against his skin and bars her shoulders with his other arm, locking her in a tight and powerful embrace. Ellie lets out a deep sigh, closing her eyes and focusing on his smell, mixing musk, soap, and something uniquely Joel. She takes in the sensation of his skin against her cheek, of his large hand in her hair and his strong arm around her shoulders. She feels him wedge her head beneath his square jaw, and when he speaks, his throat vibrates in her hair.
"There, I‘ve got you, baby girl…"
He shifts his position slightly so he can sway them both in a rocking motion that he knows never fails to soothe her. He tightens his arms around her and lays a long, loving kiss in her hair.
"I’m here…It’s okay…I’ll always be here…"
Ellie’s heart constricts. She wonders how come Joel can be so awkward at times, and yet always find the exact right words to soothe her.
I sure as hell ain’t your dad.
His own, yet then incredibly cold voice rings again in her head. She winces and turns her face into the hollow of Joel’s sternum, as though trying to hide from the outside world. Joel feels her turmoil, so he holds her tighter and frowns in concern.
"What’s wrong, baby girl? Come on, talk to me…" He whispers, stroking her hair and rubbing soothing circles on her slightly shaking back.
"I…I’m sorry…" Ellie whispers, her voice muffled somewhere deep in his bare chest.
" There’s nothing to be sorry for. Everyone would have nightmares and panic attacks in this world, you more than most. It’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes, Ellie… "
Ellie sighs, her breath brushing Joel’s olive skin. Then she turns her face and rests her cheek on his heart so she can speak.
"It’s not only about that…"
"Then what?" Joel presses on gently.
Ellie feels the tears coming up to her eyes and she swallows them bravely. She shakes her head and whispers.
"I dunno… I…"
She stops, unable to find the words. There are so many things she wants to say, but her brain and heart are overwhelmed by a torrent of contradictory emotions. Instead, she wraps her arms around Joel’s waist and glues her nose back into his sternum, trying to burrow in his warmth and comforting, so comforting smell. Joel’s heart falters as he suddenly thinks of how very young kittens sometimes press their muzzle to their mother’s fur and remain there, just breathing in her smell. He shushes her softly and gently sways back and forth, caressing and kissing her hair.
Then Ellie whispers something that outright shatters his heart.
"You won’t leave me, right?"
It’s a whisper so small, carrying so much pain, so much sorrow and loneliness, that Joel almost doesn’t hear it at first, especially with his deaf ear. But the words are unmistakable, unbelievable.
"Oh, baby girl…", he breathes out, tears coming up to his own eyes.
It strikes him then that Ellie fears the exact same thing he does, and he cannot bear the thought. He wraps both of his strong arms around her frail shoulders, and squeezes her so tight he actually almost smothers her into him.
"Never. I’m never, ever, ever leaving you darling, you hear me?", he growls fiercely, like a wounded wolf clinging to his puppy.
"Promise?" Ellie manages to say, her lips squashed against Joel’s chest.
He pulls away slightly to cup her face in his hands and raise it towards his.
"I promise, baby girl. I will never leave you, no matter what. I will die a thousand times before I let anything happen to you."
The shade of doubt lingering in these big brown eyes claws at his heart. He knows that deep down, she’s terrified of believing him, because it would hurt even more if he actually did leave her.
Most of all, that look is the same one she gave him when trying to decide if he was lying to her about the Fireflies, and the thought makes Joel want to scream. He wants to tell her that this time he is not lying, that he will never ever lie to her anymore. But of course, he cannot do that.
Not yet anyway.
"Ellie, do you trust me?" he asks her, not knowing how else to convince her, his eyes wrinkled by concern.
He caresses her face with his thumbs. She nods.
"Good. Then you have nothing to fear, honey. I’m not going anywhere until the end of my goddamn life. Okay, baby girl? I promise", he whispers in a fierce but tender voice.
She scans his face, seeking any trace of deceit. She finds none.
She nods, and as her eyes water again, she disengages her face from Joel’s hands and barrels right back into his chest, shuddering slightly. Joel locks her back in a powerful embrace and kisses her messy brown hair.
"I promise you, Ellie, I promise you…", he chants in her hair, crushing her against his heart.
The girl is still shaking. Joel can feel her demons are still trying to invade her mind, and she is struggling to keep them at bay. He spends a few minutes shushing her softly, whispering comforting words and caressing her.
"Shhh… You’re okay baby… We’re okay…"
And then suddenly, an idea comes to him.
He starts humming softly. His voice, from lack of singing practice, is rough and cracked at first, but he goes on. Ellie pulls away from him and looks at him in a mixture of amusement and outrage.
"Are you singing me a fucking lullaby? What am I, five?", she exclaims.
Joel is taken slightly aback, but the smile on her face is enough to tell him he’s on the right track. He chuckles and grabs the back of her head, pushing her face back into his chest.
"I just remembered I owe you a song. So shut up and listen."
He swallows her again in his embrace, tucking her face in his chest and circling her shoulders with his arms. Then he resumes singing. Progressively, his voice becomes deeper, richer, and his humming makes his chest vibrate against Ellie’s face. In spite of her, Ellie feels a wave of comfort and calm wash over her, and she cannot help but thinking there is no other place in the world where she would want to be right now, else than Joel’s arms.
Then Joel starts singing in earnest. He chooses a soft song that he used to sing Sarah’s mother, years before she left. It is a tender song about how life is like a shooting star, tearing a trail of light, love and hope through an eternity of darkness.
As Joel’s voice softly echoes in Ellie’s room, the teenager feels her heart ache, yet again, she doesn’t know why. The combination between Joel’s arms and voice elicits a mixture of deep sorrow and tender comfort, of cold fear and warm reassurance. In spite of her, tears spill from her eyes, and she sniffles, wiping them with her hand. The tears glide along Joel’s strong chest, all the way down to his stomach. Joel notices of course, but he keeps singing. He simply brings a hand into Ellie’s hair to press her face further into his chest, and he adapts the swaying of his body to the rhythm of his song.
His voice rises slightly louder, more confident, but still holding infinite tenderness. As he does so, Ellie breaks down in earnest. Her body starts shaking with sobs, and she tries to stifle them by grabbing a fistful of Joel's shirt and cramming her face into it. Joel stops singing and whispers:
"Let it out, baby girl. It’s okay to cry. Stop being so goddamn hard on yourself."
"Shut the fuck up. I’m not fucking crying", Ellie answers angrily, her voice betrayed by a particularly heavy sob.
"Shh-shh, all right, honey. All right…"
"Keep singing. I still haven’t decided if I’m gonna laugh or not."
Joel has a sad smile. He sees right through her and what she is trying to do. It’s obvious that his singing is helping her release her burdening emotions, but she’s still so adamant on trying to appear strong.
"Okay, baby girl…" He answers.
He starts another song, this time almost entirely improvised.
Hush now, baby girl, it’s all right,
I’ll hold you, darling, until the morning light,
Let it out, baby, it’s gonna be all right,
For you honey, I will always, always fight
Ellie’s sobs become so deep, so long, that she shakes them both as Joel is rocking her. The older man simply tightens his arms around her and lets her cry, encouraging her and soothing her through his song.
Sweetheart, oh, baby you’re enough,
Ellie, baby girl, you have saved me,
Oh, darling you’ve no need to look tough,
For I will always, always love you, honey
Through his song, Joel is trying to reach the deepest aching spot in Ellie’s heart, and these specific words, sung with such sincerity, finally do the trick. Ellie gasps and hiccups against him, now completely abandoned in his arms, finally letting herself be a vulnerable, wounded teenager. She wraps her arms around his waist once more, her fingers twisting the fabric of his shirt, clawing at his solid back. She never wants to let go of that man, for he is her entire world.
You’re enough…
You’re enough…
Joel sings the same words for a bit, understanding how much they mean to Ellie at this precise moment. All the while, he uses his shirt to tenderly wipe the tears from Ellie’s cheeks. Then he caresses her head lovingly, closing his eyes and holding her with love and devotion. He never stops rocking back and forth.
Oh, oh, honey, don’t you worry,
I’ll stick with you…
There, Joel stops for a second, hesitating on how to end his sentence and have it rhyme with “worry”. Then something stupid comes to his mind. He smiles and goes on.
I’ll stick with you, like a loyal cute pony.
That works. Ellie lets out a strangled sound, between a laugh and a sob. Encouraged, Joel starts improvising more stupid lyrics.
Once upony time, there was this cute pony…
Ellie gasps again in laughter. She jumps in, building upon Joel’s pony pun, and adding some of her own, her voice alternating between laughing, singing and crying. Joel chuckles, and they both sing back and forth, answering each other with more shitty-punned lyrics, until Ellie sings one so bad Joel bursts out laughing.
“Jesus…That is so goddamn stupid…”, he says, before burying his face into Ellie’s hair and laughing his heart off, his voice flying to high notes.
“You started it, you motherfucker”, Ellie laughs harder, cramming her face in his shirt.
“I did yeah. We really need to get you to learn some guitar though. I’m sure you’ll be great”, Joel says sincerely, recovering his breath and putting his chin back on Ellie’s hair.
“Oh yeah, and we could be a band, just the two of us, singing about ponies and shit. I love the idea.”
“Oh, so you mean you liked my singing?” Joel smiles, kissing her hair.
“Jury’s still out. Shut up and sing me something else” Ellie says imperiously.
Joel’s face brightens into a beautiful smile, making his usually stern and serious face radiate joy and playfulness. It’s a rare sight, although occurring more and more as he spends time with Ellie.
“Bit of a contradiction there young…Aow!” Joel gasps at the punch Ellie gives his hard gut, “okay, okay, Jesus…”
Ellie sighs contentedly, and shifts her position slightly, making herself more comfortable in his arms. She grabs his shirt again, and covers her nose with it once more, inhaling Joel’s smell. Joel observes this cute, fragile being seeking his smell and warmth, and his heart melts again for her. He wraps his arms back around her shoulders, and traps her head beneath his jaw. He closes his eyes, clears his throat, and starts another song he used to love when he was himself a teenager. He sings on, his voice deep, warm and husky, like coffee mixed with honey and rum. It’s intoxicating, soothing and powerful.
In his arms, Ellie listens, enjoying the sound, telling herself that Joel would indeed have made a great singer. She feels privileged, now, to be one of the few only souls left in this world blessed enough to hear it. Under her face, his strong chest is vibrating, rising and falling with his breathing. His heart is beating calmly along her own, almost following the rhythm of the song. Joel’s angular jaw lingers in her hair, and his arms are locked so tight around her that she feels like he will never let go.
Now Joel is hopping from one song to another, never stopping, but always choosing gentle, soothing songs. All the while, he keeps rocking Ellie, sometimes softly tapping the rhythm of the song on her upper back as he presses her against him, never loosening his embrace.
He sings on and on, until progressively, he returns to humming.
After a while, he finally stops.
"You’re still there, little bird?”, he whispers.
No answer.
"Ellie?", he asks again gently.
That’s when Ellie lets out a very soft snore. Joel’s face brightens in a fond, loving smile. He keeps her in his arms for some more time, then he shifts his position slowly, trying not to wake her. He pushes on his legs to stand up with her still pressed against his heart, and then gently lays her down in her bed. He draws the covers up to her chin, and presses a long, tender kiss on her temple. He sits with her for a few more minutes, just caressing her hair and making sure her slumber is peaceful. Then exhaustion crashes down on him, and he stands up, walking slowly out of Ellie’s room. Before closing the door, he turns back towards the bed, and looks at Ellie with a mixture of sadness, gratitude, and determination.
Baby girl, maybe someday you will hate me. But I’d rather have you hating me and alive, than loving me and dead.
On these thoughts, Joel sighs, trying again not to think about the possibility that one day, he will have to tell her the truth about what happened at Salt Lake City.
He closes the door softly, and all but drags himself to his bedroom. There, he crashes down on his bed, and immediately sinks into the realm of dreams. Just before he departs, though, one very specific sound echoes in his mind, bringing a soft smile to his lips...
...the sound of Ellie’s shining laugh.