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The stairwell echoed with the sound of clicking loafers in each step.
It was dark, cold, and quiet; the space in the hospital building gave off an eerie atmosphere, especially if someone were to be walking alone. Though, the cup of coffee the doctor held in his hand provided him with enough warmth to soothe his nerves. It reminded him of the relaxing, and refreshing sunny temperatures he would soon feel on his skin once he made it up to the rooftop; a spot he frequently visited on his break to take a breather.
As he made his final landing, the doctor approached the exit, reaching out for the door handle. But his hand jerked away instinctively, just moments before he could grab ahold of it. Taking a step back, he stared wearily at the door, as if he could see right through it to the other side.
Confused why his body was reacting so nervously, his memory soon granted him an idea.
He sensed someone was already outside—waiting, and expecting him.
The doctor forced his body to inch closer, his fingers brushing over the cool metal of the handle. Contemplating opening the door, he was wondering if he was prepared to encounter the individual he suspected to be on the other side. The ghost of this hospital, he considered him to be.
He’s only ran into him a handful of times whenever he least expected it. Then, he would disappear into thin air, leaving no traces behind. It was almost like this particular person never existed at all.
But somehow, out of pure coincidence, they would always meet each other again when the doctor was just about to forget this patient's mysterious actuality.
Finally, after some time of being lost in thought, the doctor pressed his hand down on the handle, pushing his shoulder into the exit.
The evening’s setting sun casted of ray of light through the cracked door, and into the stairwell. Deep, velvet pools of brown glistened as the doctor peeked out, immediately noticing the person he anticipated to be present. Though, panic signals instantly began to rush through him once he realized the patient was sitting right on the raised ledge of the rooftop.
He slowly breathed out through his nostrils, and swallowed hard. Although he didn’t want to jump to conclusions, it was hard not to. But the doctor kept his composure, for the both of them, now that he was a supposed witness. If this individual had any risky intentions in mind, he wanted to avoid provoking him at all costs.
Calmly slipping out, he used his foot to kick the usual rock he used as a stopper, placing it between the door, and its frame to keep it slightly propped open.
I just wanted some fresh air, Tenma thought, now feeling ultimately responsible for any decisions that this inpatient might make.
But aside from the doctor’s assumptions of the situation, the blond appeared to be quite calm, even when he was so close to the edge.
The day’s final moments of light had painted the sky with a variety of colors; yellow and red rested just above the horizon, while blue and purple outlined the clouds hovering over them. With this, when the wind picked up, Tenma could see the results of an orange, beaming sun creating golden hues through the young man’s wispy, platinum hair that blew to the side; along with his cerulean, pajama-like set of scrubs he was wearing that also flapped in the breeze. Unmoving, and unbothered, the blond took in the scenery before him.
“It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it Dr. Tenma?”
Johan turned his head, just enough to catch the doctor out from his peripheral. Tenma held his breath, waiting for their eyes to meet. But at last, the blond turned his attention back to the city’s skyline before they could.
Tenma sighed out shakily, eventually beginning to walk up to who he now shared the rooftop with. He ceased just a few steps behind him, averting his gaze from the back of Johan’s head, and to the landscape. There was an occasional disturbance from traffic, and the sound of train cars just down below. Though, the howling wind blocked out the disruption quite well.
“It is.” The doctor finally responded.
“Would you like to join me?” Johan scooted to the side, patting a spot on the ledge next to him. “Come, sit.”
What an odd invitation, Tenma squinted.
He didn’t have a great feeling about this, not at all. But he couldn’t let that be known. Yet, even though there was a peculiar, concerning aura that surrounded Johan, the doctor was confident that he was just a dare devil, and wouldn’t take any dangerous chances.
The doctor wanted to trust Johan that he wouldn’t…
Approaching closer, the doctor stood behind the raised ledge, instead of taking a seat, like Johan suggested. He leaned up against it, and rested his cup down on the surface, before dropping his head into his hand; exhausted, after a long day. As he ran his fingers through strands of dark, overgrown hair, Tenma’s eyes trailed downwards, noticing that Johan was swinging his legs back, and forth.
Clearly, he was enjoying this.
“Aren’t you scared?” Tenma asked, faintly.
“Of what, doctor?”
“Well… We’re up pretty high…” Tenma’s lips curved into a frown, feeling his muscles tense in apprehension. “Maybe you should get down…”
“I’m not afraid of heights.”
“But if you’re not careful, you could fall…”
“You’re right. I could. But because it’s only a possibility, I stay testing my limits.” Johan raised his shoulder, pushing his cheek into it as he glanced at the doctor. “My luck is quite phenomenal. If only you knew.”
“I see… Well, maybe one day I will… But today is not going to be the day. So why don’t you slip off, and stand by me?”
Tenma looked up at Johan with pleading eyes, hoping he’d listen. But just as the doctor thought, he was ignored by the blond, in the end. Defeated, he then rested his chin in the palm of his hand, pressing his fingers into his lips; thinking of something else he could say that might persuade the other without ticking him off too much. But he couldn’t imagine anything without making it seem like he was trying to force Johan into doing what he said.
For now, the best thing he could do was keep a conversation going, no matter the topic.
“You’re quite brave.”
“Fear is useless, and temporary, doctor.” Johan, with his own hands flat on either side of him to hold himself steady, leaned over slightly to look past his dangling feet. But when he looked back over to see the doctor obviously distressed by his actions, he straightened his posture. “Remember when I asked if you were afraid to die, Dr. Tenma?” He asked monotonically, as if it were the most normal thing to bring up in a civil discussion.
“I…” Tenma knitted, and furrowed his eyebrows at the question.
There wasn’t a way he could answer that would lead the conversation in a different direction. He would regret engaging in such subject matter, again. But not replying at all would only make the circumstances worse.
“Yes, I remember.”
“You never gave me a straightforward answer. You threw my question right back at me.”
“I thought what I said back then was obvious…”
“It was very sugarcoated.” Johan mentioned with a light smirk poking from the corner of his lips. “I would like to hear an actual, honest answer, this time.”
“I feel like it’s only natural to be afraid of death.” The doctor admitted.
“Again, you’re avoiding being direct.” The blond cocked his head to the side, humming. “But going off of what you said. Does that mean someone who isn’t afraid of death is—perhaps—inhuman?”
“Not necessarily… But I do find it Strange.”
“Is that right?” The blond brought his legs up, now sitting cross-legged, fully shifting his body towards the doctor. “So,” he started again, “you are afraid to die?” Johan asked once more, prying to get the answer he wanted.
“I suppose…” Tenma faced away from the blond, huffing out a sigh, bothered by the constant, same question. “I am.”
“But why?”
“What do you mean…?”
“You see, you’re a surgeon. Although you save the lives of many, there are some instances where fate is much more powerful than your healing hands.” Johan pressed his face onto the dorsal side of his hand, reaching his opposite hand out to trace random shapes into the stone of the ledge. “You cannot save everyone. Therefore, you see death just as much as you see the perpetuation of life. Why be scared of something you witness regularly?”
“Hmm…” Tenma watched as Johan’s finger moved in circular motions, then in a way that was seemingly like he was spelling out a word, or two. “When you put it that way… I’m not too sure…”
But I suppose he does have a point, Tenma thought.
There are numerous reasons to be afraid of death; the unfortunate experience of excruciating pain; the unknown; non-existence, what will ultimately become of loved ones; lack of remembrance…
Which one was Tenma afraid of, exactly…?
“Are you afraid of dying…?” The doctor asked.
The blond was unusually chirpy, he noticed. At least since the first few times Tenma has spoken with him. But he did not dare to point something like that out.
Johan was normally observational; quiet, and listening in the background. The doctor thought this to be a rare, significant opportunity to finally stand-by, and hear all the little things that he could have been bottling up. Even if it were all relating to his dismal personality.
As Johan has never been the talkative one, Tenma wanted to provide him with his undivided attention.
“I’ve answered that last time, Dr. Tenma.”
The sun was almost completely set now, dusk falling over them. They really should be getting back inside; Tenma back to his medical duties, and Johan back to his room—wherever that may be. But if the doctor were being honest with himself, he was not ready for their interaction to come to an end.
Especially since Johan was still sitting on this damn ledge…
“Are you afraid of anything …?” He reworded.
It sounded a lot more realistic; though, from what little he’s seen of Johan, and how he perceived the blond, he’d believe that he had no fears at all.
Johan, with his lips sealed, laughed, which had created a soft humming sound.
Then, suddenly, the blond heaved himself up, standing on the spot he was once sitting in.
“Did you know that we are born with only two innate fears, doctor?”
“Hey—HEY! What are you doing?!” Tenma loosened his grasp on his mug, which caused it to tip over, and pour off the side of the building. His eyes widened, surging his arms up—ready to grab, or catch Johan if he were to make one wrong move. “Get down! Now!”
“The fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises,” Johan carelessly continued. “These primal fears are programmed in our brains to keep us safe from harmful situations, such as this one. Every other fear is conditioned.” The blond began to walk along the ledge, hands clasped behind his back. “As I mentioned already, I am not afraid of heights. So how could I be afraid of falling? And, as I do not prefer loud noises—they are annoying, I think I’d manage.”
“Please get down, this is dangerous!”
“Just like your yelling is annoying, I am tolerating it. Thank you for demonstrating. You can stop now.”
The doctor groaned, dropping his arms, and glaring up at Johan; he breathed in sharply, before heavily exhaling, attempting to calm himself down.
He would stop screaming, just as the blond requested; it wouldn’t help the situation either, anyways.
“This is not safe…” Tenma spoke more softly, this time.
“That’s what’s so enticing about it.”
Johan ceased just a few steps away from Tenma, inching closer off the edge so only his heels were keeping him balanced, and the doctor could nearly feel his heart jump out of his chest.
“When you’re someone who doesn’t fear anything at all, it makes you wonder… Are you really human?” The blond peered over to the side, his smirk resurfacing when catching the horrified look on the doctor’s face. “It makes me glad that you are expressing emotions I cannot feel on my behalf, Dr. Tenma. Thank you.”
“This is not funny…” Tenma snapped through gritted teeth.
But he was paralyzed, nonetheless. All he could do was watch Johan toy with him. There wasn’t possibly anything he could say, or do at this point that would convince the blond to come down.
It was like he derived pleasure from playing with, and controlling others feelings, and emotions.
“I might just be a Monster after all, Dr. Tenma… Just like they say.” Johan muttered, and Tenma almost couldn’t hear what he was saying due to their distance. “Because still, with being on the very edge of this multi-storey building, looking over the city, and its citizens… Envisioning myself plummeting to the ground… I feel nothing.”
“Okay, that’s enough! If you don’t get down, I will pull you off, myself!”
“What if I were to step off? Would I feel anything then? What do you think, Dr. Tenma?”
Johan closed his eyes, lifting his chin, and breathing in the crisp night air. Slowly, he would begin to lift one leg off the ledge, balancing himself on one foot. He brought up his arms, and extended them out at his sides, steadying himself in the harsh breeze.
“I think…” Tenma’s breathing was hitched; he tried not to stumble over his words. Leisurely, he inched closer to Johan, closing the gap between them. “This is crazy. Please listen to me–”
“It’s not like I have anything to lose.” The blond cut off the doctor, continuing with his tangent. But, his own statement left him pondering. He hummed, taking a moment to reconsider. “Well, perhaps there is one thing. But surely, it’s not my life.”
The perfect distraction! Tenma said wordlessly, in his mind.
“If not your own life… Then what?” The doctor asked, promptly.
The longer he could divert Johan’s attention, the more he could creep closer without him noticing, in order to grab ahold, and pull him off from the ledge.
“What is the one thing that’s not worth losing…?”
Johan fluttered his eyes open, looking up at the glimmering stars above him. Placing his foot back down, he slinked his hands into the pockets of his scrubs, staring off absent-minded into the night. A sorrowful expression washed over his features, and it was the first time Tenma has ever witnessed such a drastic change in the young man’s physiognomy.
The doctor wasn’t sure if the growing pit in his stomach was guilt, or relief for bringing up an apparent sensitive subject. Would this be the reason Johan will finally step down, and off the ledge? Or will it be the cause that tips him overboard?
Tenma hoped it wasn’t the latter…
“ Moje květinka .” Johan replied, his voice filled with more passion than Tenma has ever heard before.
“Huh…?” The doctor, confused, was unsure what was said since Johan suddenly switched to what Tenma believed was Czech.
Johan turned on the balls of his feet, smiling amiably at the doctor; calm, and collected, like he wasn’t just playing with his life.
“If only you could see the look on your face, Dr. Tenma.”
“Excuse me–?” Tenma almost choked on air when he inhaled, bringing his fist up to cover his mouth as he cleared his throat.
“You thought I was going to jump, didn’t you?”
“Well…”
“Don’t worry, I wasn’t. I just wanted to test my stability. Are you impressed?”
“ Very, ” Tenma said sarcastically. The doctor sighed, throwing his hand up to smack it against his head, and then letting it fall over his face. “Will you please get down, now…?”
“Of course. I’m getting quite tired, anyways. I apologize for keeping you out so long, doctor. I’m sure you have other important matters to attend to.”
“Don’t worry about it… Here, let me help you.”
Tenma held up his hand for Johan to take, the blond reaching down to accept the aid.
But what Tenma dreaded the most, as Johan did so by taking a single step forward, his bare foot slipped off the edge closest to the doctor, sending him backwards.
“NO!”
Lunging forward, Tenma quickly grabbed a tight hold on Johan’s top, and the blond braced his feet back on the stone ledge, which caused the skin on his heels to tear. Wasting no time, the doctor vigorously pulled Johan off, the two of them being sent to the ground, afterwards. The impact of the cold, hard concrete knocked the breath right out of both of them; Tenma winced, and groaned, but Johan did not react similarly.
Catching his breath, and regaining the strength to prop himself up on his shoulders, Tenma glanced over to check, and see if Johan embraced the crash well.
But to the doctor’s surprise—with his shoulders jerking, and his hand muffling the faint giggles that dared to escape from between his lips—ultimately, Johan bursted out in a fit of laughter.
Tenma watched with the most exasperated, and deviating countenance that Johan has ever seen from the good-natured doctor.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Laughing? At a time like this?!”
Then, the doctor noticed the results of Johan’s torn up feet; dirtied, and bleeding. Tenma crawled over, his limbs trembling from the mix of shock, and anger. He then took a seat beside Johan, who was still laughing, and took one of his scraped ankles into his hand; feeling guilty that he even allowed the blond to go this far.
Though, Johan’s laughter—so full of life, and youth—had Tenma smiling, as well, amongst all of the adrenaline rushing through his veins; despite what led them up to this point.
“See what I told you…” Tenma chuckled, lowering Johan’s foot after he examined the cuts. “You could have fallen, if I weren’t here…”
“I told you, doctor. My luck is extraordinary.”
“Is it really luck, though…?”
“Absolutely.”
“Right… Alright, now come on.” Tenma quickly lifted himself up, dusting off his clothes before holding a hand out for Johan to take again, without the possibility of him falling to his death, this time. “If you trust me enough, I’ll walk you to your room, and get you cleaned up… If you’d like?”
“Oh yes, I would appreciate that, doctor.” The blond took his hand, and stood, also patting himself down. “Thank you.”
As they were just about to turn, and head towards the entrance to the stairwell, Johan stopped dead in his tracks, pointing to the coffee mug that Tenma brought out with him.
“Don’t forget that.”
“Hm? Oh—right… I’ll just…”
The doctor withdrew to retrieve the cup that used to be filled with warm coffee he didn’t even get the chance to enjoy due to the night's unexpected turn of events. But he didn’t let it weigh him down too much. He was bound to have a failed break, or two, especially with being a physician. There was never a dull moment in his occupation. But at last, his enthusiasm kept him strong, and moving forward.
When Tenma turned back around, mug in hand, Johan was gone.
Eyes widening, his head twisting, and turning to either corner of the rooftop, there was no sight of the blond.
He vanished. Like always. The doctor wasn’t surprised one bit.
But when the doctor looked down, there was a trail of blood in the form of footprints that led to the door; evidence—being left behind—for the first time.
Indeed, Johan was just like a ghost.
However, he was a ghost with a beating heart.