Archive of Our Own

The rich scent of fresh pine and balsam was always pleasant to wake up to every morning.

So was the heavy arm wrapped around his waist, the warm chest pressed against his bare back rhythmically moving up and down matching his own breathing, the puffs of air hitting the nape of his neck that usually turned into gentle kisses softly peppering his sensitive skin as the sun's rays filtered through the blinds, casting their gentle glow on the two bodies that laid curled up under the bedsheets.

Like clockwork, Joshua would whine about being woken up so rudely before giggling because of the lips tickling the back of his neck, then whining once more as the scent of pine wafted in the air, mixing with Joshua's own muffled scent of petrichor and covering every corner of the room. 

And Seungcheol would laugh and tease him then pout about Joshua not accepting his cuddles before wrapping him in a tight bear hug, causing the beta to complain once more about how hot it was.

But the truth is he loved their little routine, no matter how repetitive it was and how often he jokingly whined about these little things, he found comfort in it. Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friday mornings were not so different, and once again Joshua found himself wrestling against the tree trunk arms squeezed around his torso, holding onto him tightly from behind.

“Cheol,” he whines, “I have to go make breakfast.”

And of course, Seungcheol moans in discontent, tightening his arms around the beta instead.

“Just five more minutes, please~.”

Joshua slaps his arm, chuckling lightly at the alpha’s antics. “Don’t you go in at nine? At this rate, you’ll end up running to work again with nothing but burnt toast in your stomach."

“Worth it,” he snorts tiredly, pecking Joshua’s jaw with a light kiss.

“Come on you big oaf,” he pinches the muscle of Seungcheol’s arm, causing the alpha to yelp in pain. “I’m not going to send you off to work on an empty stomach, what kind of mate would I be if I do that?”

Joshua sits up followed by Seungcheol, who was looking drowsy but otherwise awake and staring at Joshua with sleepy eyes behind a fringe of bed hair. Joshua thought he looked almost like a puppy and it was a sight that filled him with fondness.

“The best mate one could ever ask for,” the alpha responds with a gruff voice, a dopy grin on his face as he leans forward and presses one more gentle kiss against Joshua’s lips.

Joshua giggles against the kiss, slapping Seungcheol’s arm gently in response as his cheeks turn a bright hue of red.

“You’re such a sap.”

Seungcheol smirks, “Isn’t that why you fell in love with me?”

“I think you give yourself too much credit.”

He pouts. “You’re so mean. I think you're hanging out with Jeonghan too much.”

Joshua smiles fondly, carding a hand through Seungcheol’s light brown hair. The alpha closes his eyes in response, relishing in the touch and even leaning against it.

“Only because I love you. Now come on you big baby, get ready while I get some breakfast going 'cause I am not letting you leave without eating something first.”

Seungcheol and Joshua had a long history just like any other mated pair. Both went to the same college and were part of the same department of Fine Arts in the same year. As a result, it was only a matter of time before they crossed paths and it just so happened that it was during a class of Political Science.

It was the unspoken rule in college that the seat you sit on on your first day of class is automatically your seat for the rest of the semester, and Joshua had picked a perfect seat right in the middle of the rather large lecture hall. One that wasn’t too far but also not too close to the podium. It was perfect. He had the perfect view, he could hear the professor really well, he could focus, etc.

And every day he would get to class early and sit down in the same seat and get his notes and stuff ready for the day then eventually, the class would start filling up with other sleep-deprived students. He didn’t talk to anybody unless it was necessary but Joshua didn't mind, he was used to it.

He had always been like that.

“You need to put yourself out there,” his friend Soonyoung had complained to him once, “I can’t be your only friend in the entire college. Do you know the kind of pressure that puts me under?”

Despite Soonyoung’s complaints, Joshua didn’t think he needed any other friends outside of his fellow beta though, so he didn’t try to make any more. He was perfectly content keeping mostly to himself and everybody else at a distance. 

That was until one day, the unexpected happened and his routine was broken.

Everybody knew that once somebody sat on a seat on the first day of class, that seat belonged to that student for the rest of the school year despite the fact that assigned seating wasn’t really a thing in college.

That’s just the way it was.

And everybody knew where Joshua sat, so imagine his surprise when he walked into class just five minutes later than he usually did and there, sitting on his seat, sat a brown-haired alpha.

Joshua stopped in his tracks and blinked.

The alpha was the only one in the large hall, but the guy was dead asleep and on. Joshua’s. seat.

Sure, it wasn’t really his seat, but he had been sitting in that seat since the first day of class. Everyone knew he sat there and although his name wasn’t engraved on the chair and – sure – he could sit in the seat next to the alpha which wouldn’t make that much of a difference, but, that wasn’t the point. It was all about the principle and the principle had been broken by a stranger.

He stared at the sleeping form of the man for what must’ve been five minutes, pondering what he should do as he nervously shifted on his feet in contemplation. Should he wake him up? Ask him to move because he was sitting on Joshua’s seat? No, that would be super lame of him and the thought alone filled him with embarrassment, but also that was his seat and if he sat in any other seat, he didn’t think he would be able to focus as well and what if he couldn’t see or hear that well either? His grades that he had worked so hard on would plummet, his professor would hate him, and what if he doesn’t see him raise his hand when he asks a question? His participation grade will suffer and what if-?

“Uh, are you okay?”

Joshua is snapped out of his mental ramblings by the deep, rough voice that echoes in the otherwise empty hall.

The alpha had woken up and was staring at him with wide, curious eyes and-Oh.

Good lord, he was handsome.

Joshua gapes. The alpha was burly, with light brown, hair that hung off his head in neat waves, pale skin, and wide brown eyes with long eyelashes that brushed against his cheekbones every time he blinked.

He was.. hot.

And Joshua was weak for handsome, buff, but cute men.

“Hello?”

Joshua shakes his head to rid himself of the thoughts running in his head before he starts drooling. The alpha was staring at him expectantly, looking almost nervous at the beta. Joshua mentally slaps himself, he probably scared the guy with the way he had been staring at him so intensely, but could anyone blame him? 

He clears his throat. “Yeah, sorry. Just… wasn’t expecting someone else here so early.”

“Oh,” Seungcheol blinks, sitting up straight in his seat and looking almost bashful. “Yeah, well, the professor’s been getting on me about my tardies and threatening my grade, so I made sure to get here super early this time.”

The alpha’s face turns red in embarrassment and Joshua suddenly remembers the many times he’s heard the door to the lecture hall open and close in the middle of class, making the professor sigh in disappointment. He would often turn back to see who it was, but never actually managed to catch a glimpse of the student that arrived late because he always seemed to disappear to his chair before Joshua could get a glimpse of him.

So that was him.

“Oh,” he mutters, awkwardly shifting on his feet once more.

The alpha clears his throat. “Anyway, were you just going to stare at me all day? Not that I mind, but it’s kind of.. unsettling, no offense,” he raises his hands defensively.

Joshua’s face turns a brighter shade of red once more as his gaze shifts to the floor. “S-sorry, I just…”

“It’s all cool, you don’t have to explain yourself,” the alpha laughs lightly. “Come, sit,” he pats the empty chair next to him and Joshua holds back the urge to tell him that he would very much rather sit on the seat that Seungcheol had stolen from him but he bites his tongue and makes his way over.

As soon as he sits down though, the scent of pine fills his nostrils and Joshua has to take a moment to compose himself. Being a beta, he didn’t have a heightened sense of smell the way that omegas and alphas had, so while other sub-genders could detect a scent from miles away, Joshua had to be very close to someone to be able to catch a whiff of it.

And Seungcheol smelled good. Really good. It was a heavy scent which was typical of an alpha, but it was also warm and dewy. Pine with a hint of balsam. It wasn’t too strong, but it wasn’t weak either. It was perfect. It smelled almost like a forest and Joshua thinks that if he were to close his eyes he could envision himself sitting in the living area of a cabin in the middle of the woods with a built-in fireplace burning just a foot or so away from him as he read a good book, wrapped under a warm blanket.

It smelled like home.

“My name’s Seungcheol. Choi Seungcheol,” he holds a hand for Joshua to take.

Joshua lifts his own hand and clasps it against the alpha's for a handshake. “Hong Joshua.”

“Joshua,” the alpha repeats with a wide smile. “Pleasure to meet you! I just know we’ll be great friends.”

Friends.

At the time, Joshua tried not to think too much of it but the word ‘Friends’ left a bad taste in his mouth that wouldn’t leave him alone for the rest of the day, and for the following years as he came to grow closer and closer to Seungcheol.

After that, Seungcheol and Joshua began to talk and hang out often, they exchanged numbers and proceeded to text each other a lot and even introduced each other to their friends (of which Joshua only had Soonyoung while Seungcheol had a whole group).

They became close—closer than Joshua would have ever thought.

And every day that Joshua would arrive to class—even if he arrived before Seungcheol—he would sit next to the seat the alpha had stolen by accident the day he met Joshua.

And Joshua never complained, nor did he ever say a thing about it to the alpha.

He found a perfectly good seat next to him after all.

“That smells delicious.”

Joshua smiles as a strong pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind, a chin resting over his shoulder as Seungcheol stared at the eggs cooking over the stove.

The alpha smelled like he had just gotten out of the shower and Joshua could feel droplets of water drop from his hair to his shoulder, staining his shirt.

“Surprised to see you actually got up and didn’t fall back asleep,” he scoffs, with a smirk.

The alpha pouts. “Is that what I get for complimenting your cooking?”

Joshua laughs. “I just like to tease you so early in the morning. Wakes me up.”

It was always such a funny sight for Joshua; seeing the tough-looking alpha that so many people were intimidated by back in college looking so pouty and sulky so early in the morning. It always reminded Joshua that despite Seungcheol's appearance and previous reputation, he was really just a big baby. And only he was able to see this side of him. 

After more morning banter and quiet giggles, both sat on the island of the kitchen to eat their breakfast in comfortable silence. It was their morning routine. One Joshua had grown used to after seven years of being together, and one he couldn’t imagine ever breaking.

“So, about tonight,” Seungcheol suddenly says through a mouthful of pancakes.

Joshua winces.

Of course, that.

“I know you’re really hesitant about going, but it would really mean a lot if you could come with me. We don’t even have to stay for long, just enough for you to meet my coworkers and whatnot and we can leave right after my speech. They’re really excited to meet you.”

When Seungcheol had asked him to attend one of the album release listening parties they were going to have for an upcoming album launch, Joshua was hesitant. 

Ever since Seungcheol became a songwriter and producer of an up-and-coming music company, the older has had to shoulder so much responsibility which included attending work events outside of working hours, listening parties, launch events, etc. And, sure Joshua was happy for him that he finally got to work his dream job, but it also meant having to accompany Seungcheol to these kinds of social events which weren't really his thing.

He sighs, placing his fork down on the plate. “I don’t know, Cheol,” he mutters. “I have that art piece that I’ve been working on and you know I have my art gallery coming up. Minghao's been nagging at me because of the deadline.”

Which wasn't necessarily a lie. This was going to be one of Joshua's biggest art galleries yet at the largest museum in the city, one that many had been anticipating for a while so the pressure has been high for the past few months since Minghao delivered the news and began making the necessary arrangements.

Seungcheol’s face drops in disappointment. “Oh,” he mutters sadly and the sound damn near shatters Joshua’s heart. “It’s okay, no worries, there’s always next time, right?” he gives Joshua a hopeful smile and—god Joshua is weak.

How can he reject his mate when he was looking at him with those eyes? He looked almost like a kicked puppy.

He bites his lip, playing with his fork for a second before he replies. “I think… I think I have enough time to finish the art piece before it’s due,” he mutters hesitantly, “And it’s not like I’m not almost done with the pieces for the gallery, I just need to do a few touch-ups and finish some arrangements with Hao.”

Seungcheol’s expression brightens almost immediately and Joshua thinks it’s worth sacrificing his comfort.

“Really?” he asks excitedly.

Joshua gives him a small, slightly nervous smile and nods.

“Oh, thank you, babe!”

“Oof.”

The alpha practically jumps over the island, wrapping the beta in a tight hug.

“I promise you won’t regret it,” the alpha exclaims excitedly as he pulls back.

Joshua laughs nervously. “So long as I’m with you, I know I won’t.”

“Alright, gotta run,” Seungcheol states as he scoops up the rest of his plate and shoves it into his mouth, filling up his cheeks like a chipmunk. Joshua watches as he scoots back from his seat and rushes to grab his bag and shoes.

“They want me early at the studio to finish up a couple of things for the album, but I’ll see you later this afternoon,” he rushes to open the door only to stop in realization, “Oh.”

The alpha turns back towards Joshua and rushes over, kissing him softly on the lips.

“Almost forgot,” he smiles goofily when he pulls away. “Love you.”

In the blink of an eye, he rushes out the door, not giving Joshua a chance to respond. The sound of the door slamming close echoes throughout the house and Joshua stares at the empty space Seungcheol had been in mere seconds ago in silence.

“Love you, too.”

At the beginning of their friendship, Joshua couldn’t place a name on the feelings he had for Seungcheol.

He thought it was love but the kind of love you have for a friend, like the kind of love he had for Soonyoung except this one felt different. Initially, he shrugged it off and pushed it to the back of his mind thinking that it was a problem for future Joshua to handle.

But then, as time went on, those feelings only kept festering more and more—bubbling up until eventually, Joshua felt like he couldn’t breathe well around the alpha at a certain point.

It was suffocating, and seeing the alpha date omega after omega wasn’t helping.

Saying that Seungcheol was a player was an exaggeration, but he did date his own fair share of people – all of which happened to be omegas.

The beta didn’t pry into the older’s relationships as he saw it inappropriate to do so considering he was just a friend at the time, but the one thing he noticed in the amount of time that he had come to know the alpha was that Seungcheol had only ever dated omegas.

Which shouldn’t bother him considering that was the case most of the time with alphas; alphas dated omegas, omegas dated alphas, and betas dated betas. That was how it’s always been and sure there were a few relationships that went a bit out of the norm, but it wasn’t as common as one might think. At least, not in their country.

So seeing Seungcheol date exclusively omegas shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him nor should it make him feel a certain type of way that he couldn’t quite name.

But it did, and it came to the point that Joshua couldn’t stand being around the alpha when he brought whoever he was dating to hang out with their group of friends. He thinks he used every excuse in the book to get out of certain situations just to avoid having to see an omega being all wrapped around Seungcheol and Seungcheol’s eyes glued to another person that wasn’t him.

It admittedly made him sick to his stomach, but how the hell could he ever admit to that?

And on nights when Seungcheol would stumble into his apartment, tears streaming down his face as he cried about his most recent breakup, Joshua couldn’t help but feel like the most horrible person alive as a deep part of himself felt relieved. All the while Seungcheol cried on his shoulder, soaking his shirt with heartbroken tears.

But could you blame him? He was only human.

Seungcheol was always popular in college among their peers; he was at the top of the social ladder while Joshua was just… there. The difference between them was always so clear and evident to those around them, even now as he walked hand in hand up the steps to the large building Seungcheol worked at, fidgeting nervously as they walked through the entrance. That distinction between them was still clear as water years later.

“It’s okay,” Seungcheol whispered against his ear, “Just let me know if you feel uncomfortable and we’ll rush out of here. No questions asked, okay?”

And really Joshua couldn’t be more grateful for having such a considerate mate.

“Okay,” he smiles nervously.

They make their way inside to the large hall where music was bouncing off the walls. People were conversing and dancing with each other, laughing, talking, and drinking and Joshua had to hold back the urge to run out of there and make his way back home as they venture through the crowd. 

“Seungcheol!”

An older, tall man wearing sunglasses indoors walks towards them, holding his arms out towards Seungcheol who smiles and meets his embrace, both of them patting each other on the back.

”Glad you could make it!” Exclaimed the older man as he pulls away, “I hope you feel very proud of yourself. None of this would have been possible if it wasn’t for you.”

Seungcheol’s cheeks turn a bright red from the compliment and he scratches his cheek sheepishly. “You’re giving me too much credit, Hyung. It was our whole team that made this possible.”

The man scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief at the younger alpha. “Nonsense. If anything I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. If it hadn’t been for you and Jihoon, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

His eyes then land on Joshua. 

“Hm? And who is this?”

Joshua flinches in response, feeling suddenly very shy as the man examines him.

“Oh, PD-nim,” he begins, gently pulling Joshua by the arm so he could stand right beside Seungcheol to introduce him properly.

”This is my mate, Joshua Hong. Joshua, this is Kim Seongsu, he’s the CEO of the company and the one who created it actually.”

Joshua’s eyes widen slightly in response and he immediately bows to the older man, realization hitting him that this man practically held Seungcheol’s career in his hand.

“Nice to meet you, Seongsu-ssi !” He says hurriedly. 

“Joshua Hong,” he repeats. “I’ve heard so much about you from Seungcheol,” he gives a pleasant, friendly smile at the beta. “It is a pleasure to finally meet you and put a face to a name.”

Joshua nods shyly. “A pleasure to meet you, too, sir.”

“Seungcheol tells me you’re an artist, is that right?” he asks curiously.

“Um, yes.”

“Splendid!” He clasps his hands together excitedly, “I hope to see your work one day. Once this company flourishes thanks to Seungcheol and our team, I would love to buy your pieces to decorate our halls.”

Joshua’s face turns a bright pink in response. “T-thank you, sir.”

A voice from the crowd calls out for Seongsu, pulling his attention away momentarily for a second from the pair.

“Oh, they need me over there,” he mutters. “Go ahead and enjoy yourselves. Seungcheol, don’t forget about your speech later on.”

“Yes, sir,” the alpha nods.

“Alright, I’ll see you both in a bit!”

The older man disappears among the crowd, and Seungcheol turns to Joshua with an ecstatic grin.

“So, what’d you think of him?” he asks eagerly.

“He’s… nice,” Joshua responds.

Seungcheol laughs. “Only cause you’re here, you should see the way he bosses me around during the day.”

“More so than me?” Joshua asks with faux surprise on his face. "Well, we can't have that."

The beta laughs as Seungcheol lightly shoves him in response. Seungcheol would often whine even before they first started dating about the way Joshua would often get him to do whatever he wanted, but it’s not like Seungheol could resist either. Not when Joshua looked at him with those eyes every time the beta asked him for something.

“Come on, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

Seungcheol grabs him by the hand and drags him across the room, passing by people who turn to look at Seungcheol and greet him without hesitation. Joshua couldn’t help but be in awe at the way others seemed to respect the alpha. It was clear the older was a highly respected individual in the company with the way the crowd parted for him and acknowledged him.

“Jihoon!”

Seungheol drags him to the other side of the large hall where a short beta and a tall alpha were conversing amongst themselves. Joshua recognized the beta as Jihoon, one of Seungcheol’s friends from college and consequently Joshua’s friend as well.

Initially, Joshua had erroneously assumed the younger beta wasn’t fond of Joshua with the way he constantly seemed to coldly disregard him whenever he was around, but he was quick to learn that that’s just the way the beta’s personality was and he had his own way of showing love to the people he cared about. Always silently though.

The other alpha, was one Joshua had never met. He was tall, slightly taller than Joshua and Seungcheol with tan skin, a sharp nose and jawline, and very warm eyes.

Jihoon nodded silently in greeting as they approached the pair.

“Seungcheol-hyung!” greets the unknown alpha as he wraps his arms around the other.

“Seokmin!” Seungcheol returns the hug tightly as Joshua stands there slightly gawking.

Lee Seokmin.

Of course, how could he not recognize him? He was the soloist that had debuted under Pledis not too long ago and Seungcheol had been in charge of writing and producing his debut album along with Jihoon. He was the one this whole party was for since this upcoming album Seungcheol had been slaving away over was his first comeback album.

To say that Joshua wasn't a fan or didn't know him would be a lie. Joshua loved his voice the second that Seungcheol showed him the first song they ever recorded and asked him for his opinion. Combine his voice with Seungcheol's lyricism and Jihoon's producing skills and it was a match made in heaven. 

“Great job, Hyung! The album is amazing! I have a good feeling about this one," Seokming exclaims excitedly. 

"It's all thanks to you, Seokmin-ah."

Seokmin's cheeks turn red. "Ah Hyung, you give me too much credit. You and Jihoon-hyung are the real stars of the show," he says bashfully. 

"Who's this?" he suddenly asks, turning his attention to Joshua with a friendly smile on his face. 

"Oh, Seokmin-ah, this is my mate, Joshua," Seungcheol introduces, wrapping an arm around Joshua's neck to pull him closer making him huff in surprise. 

"Hello, Seokmin-ssi, a pleasure to meet you," he shyly greets with a courteous bow. 

"Oh, you're Joshua?!" the alpha exclaims in surprise. "Seungcheol has told me so much about you, it's a pleasure to finally meet you!" 

Joshua feels his cheeks warm up slightly at the mention that Seungcheol has brought him up in the past. He suddenly grows curious about the things that Seungcheol might have said about him to his coworkers and friends.

"He loves your voice," Seungcheol continues, "He listens to your music every time he showers."

"Cheol," Joshua whines in embarrassment, elbowing him in the stomach. Seungcheol guffaws from the hit but proceeds to laugh at Joshua's embarrassment. 

"I'm honored," Seokmin states, placing a hand on his chest. "Your mate is incredible though; he's an amazing writer and producer. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him."

Joshua's blush disappears, replaced instead by a fond smile as he glances at his boyfriend with pride. "I know."

The event continues and Joshua finds that he prefers Seokmin's and Jihoon's company more than anybody else at the party, which Seungcheol seems to notice since they stay close to them for the rest of the night, only veering away when Seungcheol is greeted by another coworker or when he's asked to go up to give a speech while they introduce the tracks. 

The new album was truly splendid. Joshua had heard snippets and read lyrics and whatnot thanks to Seungcheol sometimes asking him for his own opinion when Jihoon took forever to answer his texts during his sudden bursts of inspiration that hit him at three in the morning. Joshua knew they were going to be amazing regardless, but he truly wasn't prepared for how beautiful the songs were, not just Seokmin's voice but the lyrics as well. 

The entire crowd had stood in awe, some of them shedding tears during a couple of songs. Joshua would be lying if he said he didn't find himself getting slightly teary-eyed during the listenings which is why he was grateful to step away for a moment to go the restroom once the entire album had been played. 

After quietly excusing himself, he steps away from the large crowd, exhaling in relief once he no longer felt suffocated by the masses and scents that had clogged his nose. It's not like Joshua didn't like Seungcheol's coworkers, he just didn't do well with crowds. It made him slightly anxious and considering the way some people had been looking at him the whole night—like he was an oddity to be deciphered—Joshua was bound to feel uncomfortable. Not like he would tell Seungcheol though. Seungcheol had been excited to bring him and introduce him to his co-workers who had only heard stories of the person that had stolen Seungcheol's heart, after all. Joshua didn't want to ruin this moment just because he felt slightly uncomfortable and... unwelcomed?

Maybe it was his imagination but the way some people were looking at him throughout the night made Joshua slightly think he was stepping into territory where he wasn't wanted. 

He shook his head, he was probably just overthinking it, Joshua tended to do that. Seungcheol constantly told him that he was too much of an overthinker—always creating scenarios in his head that were impossible—but he couldn't help it. It was just the way his brain was wired which is why he was grateful to have the alpha. When Joshua's thoughts strayed too far off, Seungcheol was right there to pull him back. 

Yeah, he was just overthinking it. 

He's about to exit the stall when he hears the door to the restroom slam open and a group of rowdy voices step in. Joshua's nose twitches and he flinches at the potent scents that hit him. 

Alphas. 

Nerves suddenly grip him but he attempts to shake it off. There was no valid reason for him to suddenly feel skittish. He was thinking negatively of a group of people he didn't truly know, not to mention they were Seungcheol's co-workers, he had to get a hold of himself. 

The group of alphas are laughing and talking loudly amongst each other and as Joshua moves to open the door, a particular question makes him freeze. 

"Did you see Seungcheol-nim's mate?"

Joshua stills, hand halfway to the handle of the door, eyes widening just the slightest bit as he is brought up in the alphas' conversation. 

"The beta?" One of them scoffs and Jisoo is taken aback by the venom in his voice. "Yeah, he's cute I guess, but you'd think an alpha like Seungcheol could do... I don't know...better."

Joshua feels his heart drop. Better? What did they mean? 

"Wait, he's a beta?" one of them asks in surprise. "I thought he was an omega, holy shit."

"I feel bad for Cheol-nim," one of them states with a sigh and Joshua ignores the uncomfortable feeling in his chest it gave him to listen to somebody call Seungcheol by his nickname. "He probably mated with the beta by accident thinking he was an omega. I wouldn't blame him either, I would've thought he was an omega as well with the way he looks."

"An alpha with a beta? That's just a disaster waiting to happen," the first alpha that had scoffed spoke again. "In my opinion, Seungcheol's better off breaking up with him and finding himself a nice, cute omega. Somebody he can have a family with. Betas... betas are nothing special."

"Yeah, Seungcheol-nim's too nice for that though."

"Poor guy."

Joshua stands still as the voices drift away and the door to the restroom opens and closes once more, leaving him alone to his own thoughts. It's not until a few minutes later after the coast is clear that Joshua slowly exits the stall, the door creaking breaking the silence in the otherwise lonely restroom. 

With his head bowed he makes his way to the sink and quietly opens the faucet to wash his hands. 

The alphas' words echo repeatedly in his mind like a mantra, dragging his thoughts down a dark hole that Joshua hadn't explored in a good while.

He shuts off the faucet and lifts his head to stare at his reflection in the mirror. There was redness building at the corner of his eyes that hadn't been there before as he holds back his tears. His eyes drift to the bite scar on his neck, hidden by the collar of his suit but peeking out just the slightest bit, enough to get a glimpse. 

It shouldn't bother him. He knew he shouldn't let it get to him after years of dealing with similar comments back in college, but it was hard to ignore the hurtful words from the group of alphas that he had overheard just a few minutes before. Was that why everyone had been giving them odd looks the entire night?

Joshua knew that an alpha and a beta pairing wasn't that common, but he had thought that there had been enough social advances made in society so it wouldn't be considered such an oddity. There were plenty of celebrity couples that didn't fit the standard alpha/omega and beta/beta couple.

Sure, in the beginning, he had been pretty insecure about his relationship due to his sub-gender and it didn't help that he was the first and only beta that Seungcheol ever dated, but he had finally reached a stage where it didn't bother him as much as it did at first, especially not with Seungcheol's constant reassurances. 

It took all seven years of their relationship for him to feel assured of his role in their relationship but there was still that minuscule amount of insecurity that he thought he buried long ago, and overhearing that conversation had only dug it out. 

"-you'd think an alpha like Seungcheol could do... I don't know... better."

"Seungcheol's better off breaking up with him and finding himself a nice, cute omega. Somebody he can have a family with. Betas... betas are nothing special."

"My dream is to one day have a family."

He flinches. 

That's right. Long before Seungcheol and Joshua had started dating, the older had confessed to him during one drunken night in the middle of Seungcheol's apartment of his desire to one day have a family. When Joshua had first heard those words, it had made him choke up slightly, knowing full well that a male beta getting pregnant was practically impossible. Sure there were some rare cases, but it was a one-in-a-million chance and Joshua was all too aware of it. During their friendship, he talked about it quite often after that night.

Now that he thought about it though, once Seungcheol and Joshua finally started dating, it was rare for the alpha to bring it up again. He had only ever mentioned it in passing, that he one day hoped to have a family and after the night they mated, Seungcheol stopped bringing it up completely. 

His hands clench tightly around the bowl of the sink as he hunches over, he can feel a burn in his eyes and suddenly there are tears falling on the porcelain sink. 

He knew it was irrational to feel this way, but the insecurity gnawed at him insistently like a poisonous snake, contaminating his every thought.

Joshua would like to believe if Seungcheol picked him, it was because he loved him… right?

The rest of the night is a blur to Joshua and the next thing he knows he’s in the passenger seat of Seungcheol’s car, listening to the other chatter about the future projects the company had planned while Joshua nodded nonchalantly as he stared at the window - his mind a disarray of thoughts triggered by the conversation he overheard in the restroom.

It’s not until they’re home and getting ready for bed that Seungcheol finally snaps him out of his musings momentarily.

”You okay?” Seungcheol asks as he exits the restroom.

Joshua snaps out of his thoughts from where he was sitting on the bed and turns to look at his mate. The other had taken a shower after Joshua and was now dressed in some black comfortable shorts and a white shirt, his hair was dripping wet and the light of the restroom gave him a glow that reminded Joshua just how handsome the alpha is.

The scent of pine and balsam is comforting and for a moment, Joshua forgets about the torrent of thoughts that we’re torturing him almost the whole night as he gives the other a forced smile.

”Yeah,” he nods, “just tired.”

Which, wasn’t a complete lie, he really was tired.

The alpha hums while wearing a look that told Joshua he didn’t believe him as he approaches him and takes a seat next to the beta. 

“Thank you, for coming tonight,” he speaks softly. His hand moves over Joshua’s own to hold and he squeezed it once gently. “I know it wasn’t easy for you, but I want you to know I truly appreciate it and I hope you know it meant a lot to me. I had a lot of fun.”

The genuine smile on Seungcheol’s face nearly made Joshua choke up.

”I had a lot of fun, too.”

It's not easy for Joshua to lie. To be honest, Soonyoung always told him what a terrible liar he was since it was always so easy to read him when he was. It was the nervous flitting of eyes or the twitch of his lips that always gave it away but Joshua also always had a certain look in his eyes that made it easy to decipher he was lying, or so Soonyoung said.

Lying to Seungcheol especially wasn’t easy. Not because the alpha caught on to it quickly though—he was actually quite gullible—but because it hurt Joshua to lie to his mate which is why he never did it.

But just this time, it wouldn’t hurt to keep this to himself. 

"Somebody he can have a family with."

He swallows.

"Cheollie," he whispers softly. 

"Hm?" the alpha looks at him curiously, water droplets falling on his lap as he stares at Jisoo with wide eyes that made his heart melt. 

Joshua closes and opens his mouth. Curiosity and insecurity gnaw at him incessantly. There's an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach that made him feel queasy and for a moment he thinks he might have to rush to the restroom to throw up but he pushes the feeling back down. 

'Do you still dream about having a family? Do you regret mating with a beta like me that can't possibly give you what you most want?'

The questions sit at the tip of his tongue only for him to keep swallowing them back down both out of the fear of what the answer might be and the possible damage it will cause their relationship. Joshua didn't want to open up a can of worms he wouldn't be able to put back in. 

But Seungcheol is staring back at him in anticipation, eyes looking so innocent and confused and Joshua decides that he can't do this. As much as his heart wants to know, he doesn't want to risk losing what he has now. Yet, he couldn't help but feel that maybe that was selfish of him - that it had also been selfish of him to mate with Seungcheol in the first place despite knowing full well what the alpha wanted. 

"Everything okay?"

Instead of a response, Joshua leans forward and plants a kiss on Seungcheol's own lips. The alpha seems to be taken by surprise at the sudden affection, judging by the way his eyes widened momentarily only for him to recover and lean into the kiss, immediately taking control and pushing Joshua against the pillows until they're both lying down with Seungcheol straddling him. 

After a few minutes, they pull away slowly, Seungcheol's eyes glued to Joshua's wet and reddened lips. 

"You looked so handsome in that suit earlier," Joshua says with a sultry voice and a smirk on the lips. 

Seungcheol hums, "You looked even more beautiful," he responds as he leans in for another kiss, this one more passionate than the last as they lose themselves in the woes of affection. It only takes a few minutes before their clothes are discarded to the side and Joshua is pliant under Seungcheol's hands, moaning and writhing in pleasure as the alpha takes him. 

His thoughts are a mess as he is overtaken by the sensations, Seungcheol's hands gripping tightly to his slim waist but a singular thought remains constant all throughout the night.

It might be selfish of him to keep Seungcheol from his dream, but what if Joshua could at least try to make it a reality? 

Seungcheol and Joshua hooked up for the first time after a drunken night. 

Seungcheol had gotten his heart broken by an omega whose name he could no longer remember, but what he does remember is Seungcheol crying against his shoulder on the couch of Joshua's apartment as the beta rubbed circles on the small of his back, pumping out soothing pheromones in an effort to comfort the heartbroken alpha. He had brought out the wine that he had been saving for a special occasion thinking that maybe some alcohol might help ease Seungcheol's pain just a bit. 

That might have been mistake number one. 

All of a sudden, as Seungcheol's tears finally lessened and the sobbing stopped, there were plush lips against Joshua's own as they fumbled for dominance in their drunken state. 

Next thing he knew he woke up naked in his bed, body feeling sore with a familiar figure lying beside him. 

The scream that erupted from his throat ended up waking the naked Seungcheol who was just as surprised to see Joshua beside him. It had been like a scene straight out of a sitcom, both of them gaping and pointing at each other and asking one another if what they think happened did happen or if their drunk selves just decided they wanted to take a nap with each other naked. 

Nonetheless, the soreness Joshua felt in his lower body and the mess of his sheets answered the question despite how much they didn't like the answer. 

The situation made their relationship afterward awkward and after Seungcheol practically ran out of his apartment, Joshua should've known that the trajectory of their friendship would change for the most part. Both of them avoided each other, and as much as it hurt Joshua,  whenever they did run across each other on campus, they only shared an awkward greeting and proceeded to move on with the excuse that they had a class coming up even though both of them knew they didn't. 

The sudden strain in their relationship was hurting Joshua who had gone back to being a loner with only Soonyoung as his friend considering most of the friends he had made were all initially Seungcheol's friends. 

It was clear it was causing tension between their group of friends and it was Soonyoung that had called him a coward and told him to man up and confess his feelings for the alpha. 

Nonetheless, it was Seungcheol who confessed first.

The alpha had shown up in his apartment out of breath and looking ragged as he spilled a wave of words that took Joshua by storm. 

"I like you a lot, okay?"

Seungcheol had answered after a confused Joshua asked him to clarify what he was saying. 

"And I know you might not feel the same way, but... just give us a chance, please."

And a chance Joshua gave. 

Two days after the listening party, Joshua is pacing nervously in the restroom, biting his nails anxiously as he waits for the pregnancy test sitting on the sink to come up with a result. It was the longest fifteen minutes of Joshua's life as he paced the floor incessantly, and if Soonyoung were there he could practically hear him telling him he was going to wear a hole on the floor. 

He's close to reaching the bed of his nail when the alarm on his phone finally goes off and Joshua jumps in surprise. 

He stops pacing and gulps, eyeing the little white stick like it was a monster out to eat him. 

A big part of him didn't want to look, already aware of what the most likely result is but he had already gotten this far and there was no point in turning back. He thinks it's silly though to even consider it, and judging by the look the beta at the pharmacy gave him when he picked up the cheapest box of pregnancy tests he could find in the whole store, she also must've thought it was silly. A male beta getting pregnant was almost unheard of, so what made Joshua believe that he would be one of the few to actually succeed? He thinks for a moment that he might as well just pick up the test and throw it in the trash without looking, make his suffering less painful. 

"My dream is to one day have a family of my own."

But another part of him clings to that small glimmer of hope that maybe he could make Seungcheol's dream become a reality. Seungcheol, who had given him so much in the past seven years that they've been dating and more. Seungcheol, who deserved the whole world after everything he had done for Joshua and for showing him so much love. 

It's enough to give him the strength he needs to carefully lift the test with trembling hands.

One line. 

Negative. 

His heart drops and he slowly puts the test down on the sink. 

As expected. 

He shouldn't be surprised by the outcome, but it doesn't make it any less painful whatsoever. Thoughts swirl in his head as he sits on the closed lid of the toilet, hunched forward with his arms between his knees. Of course, what else did he expect? Joshua wasn't an omega, he wasn't a female beta either who was much more fertile and his biology worked much differently than theirs. Even if he did get pregnant, the chances of him carrying to full term were risky and close to zero. 

 He sighs, eyeing the opened box with the rest of the pregnancy tests that were almost staring back at him mockingly. 

"-you'd think an alpha like Seungcheol could do... I don't know... better."

His hands clenched tightly into fists. He grabs the negative pregnancy test and throws it down the trash a little harder than necessary. 

He lets out a long sigh as he grabs his phone, presses on the search bar, and proceeds to type furiously. 

'Beta tips for getting pregnant."

"You've been really... active recently."

Seungcheol manages to say through their pants. They're both lying on their bed, messy sheets strewn around them as they try to catch their breath, both of them staring at the ceiling as they come down from their high. 

Joshua hums in response, too tired and spent to verbally answer. 

It had been only a month since he took his first pregnancy test and since then, he and Seungcheol had been rather... busy practically every night. After finding a forum online of male betas that shared tips and advice on how to get pregnant, Joshua tried almost every remedy he could find. Some were normal such as using ovulation tests, taking prenatal vitamins, drinking lots of water to the point it had his stomach aching every night and running to the restroom, and maintaining a healthy diet. Some of them were a bit outlandish though like this one beta that recommended drinking onion juice every morning (Which was a horrible experience mind you and Joshua had to furiously brush his teeth afterwards and chew countless pieces of gum), manifesting, eating at certain hours of the day, and performing rituals that seemed almost satanic to anybody else, etc. 

A month and Joshua had nearly exhausted all his resources only for him to go through two more boxes of pregnancy tests all of which came back negative. He had thrown away so many he had to take to disposing of them carefully to ensure Seungcheol would never see them and ask questions. 

And for a month, Seungcheol didn't question Joshua's sudden... libido. In fact, he had seemed eager at the prospect, but it seemed that Joshua's relentlessness and enthusiasm were finally starting to concern him after a month of having sex almost every single night and still engaging even in the mornings before Seungcheol had to go to work. Sure Joshua had a lot of stamina, but surely he had to feel exhausted by now.

Joshua will admit that he had been rather tenacious recently with his goal, but could you blame him? He was already 27 years old and if it was hard to get pregnant as a young male beta it would only get harder as he grew older. He was running on a time limit and his body just wasn't cooperating. 

"Not that I'm complaining," Seungcheol states as he shifts around until he's lying on his side, his arm wraps around Joshua's middle and the beta turns his head to look at him. "But, is there something specific that prompted this? You've never acted like this before. Are you going into heat?”

It’s supposed to be a joke and one that usually Joshua would laugh off without a care, knowing his alpha was poking fun at how omega-like Joshua appeared to other people on the outside. The older had also initially thought he was an omega the first time they met after all.

But this time, the jab hurts, and the words he heard that night in the restroom echo back in his mind. 

Joshua's jaw tightens. 

He gives Seungcheol a tight smile. “I’ve just been in a mood.” He doesn’t tell him his body’s been killing him for the past month though. He shifts around until he's turned to the side and wraps an arm around the alpha’s torso, cuddling closer until their bare skin is touching and his chin is resting on his chest, closing his eyes. “Besides, I want to make you feel good.”

Seungcheol coos. “You really don’t have to,” he whispers, kissing the crown of his head gently. “Just having you by my side is more than good enough for me.”

Seungcheol wraps his arms around Joshua’s figure and in a matter of minutes, falls asleep with the beta in his arms. 

Joshua listens to the sound of Seungcheol’s steady breathing, feeling his heart beating under his cheek. He feels his eyes burn and he sniffs, trying to hold back the tears as he slowly wraps his arms around his stomach so as to not wake up Seungcheol.

Despite the warmth of Seungcheol’s embrace, Joshua felt cold.

The night Joshua and Seungcheol got mated had also been the first time Joshua said 'I love you'. Before that night, it wasn't uncommon to hear the words from Seungcheol himself and Joshua always wondered how they spilled from his mouth so easily. It wasn't that Joshua didn't reciprocate those feelings, but it wasn't as easy for him to say the words out loud. Whenever Seungcheol confessed them—before they fell asleep in each other's arms, or before Seungcheol went off to class, or any chance he got, really—Joshua’s lips would thin into a small smile and he would nod. 

"It's okay," Seungcheol would say every time with a wide smile despite the hurt in his eyes that he tried to hide. "Take your time, I understand."

Looking back on it now, Joshua found it silly, but at the time, Joshua still couldn't fathom somebody like Seungcheol truly loving him or even giving him the time of day. He had nightmares that one day Seungcheol would tell him that it was all an elaborate prank and he never truly loved Joshua. Ultimately, he guessed he was scared of being abandoned. He loved Seungcheol, but in his mind, if he were to say those three words out loud it would only make the abandonment more painful should Seungcheol one day decide he didn't love him. 

It was Seungcheol's best friend, a beta named Jeonghan, that finally snapped him out of that funk. 

"He wouldn't do all of these things for you if he didn't love you," he had said in irritation after confronting Joshua at the coffee shop he worked at at the time, "Do you even realize what you're doing to him? You might as well break up with him and put him out of his misery."

The words had resonated deep within Joshua and he would be lying if he said he didn't consider breaking up with Seungcheol at one point—set him free to find somebody that was more worthwhile than Joshua himself. But he couldn't. 

Joshua was selfish. 

He wanted to keep Seungcheol to himself and nobody else. 

That same night, as Joshua and Seungcheol made slow passionate love, Joshua whispered the words for the first time. 

"I love you," he said breathlessly. 

Seungcheol immediately paused in his ministrations and looked up at Joshua from his position between the other legs with wide eyes. 

"What?" he had gaped in surprise. 

Joshua's cheeks had turned red from embarrassment. "I love you," he repeated again, this time loud enough for Seungcheol to hear. 

Next thing he knew, he was wrapped in a tight embrace and he could feel tears on his bare shoulder from where Seungcheol rested his head. 

"I love you, too."

It shouldn't have surprised him that the next morning he woke up, it was to a burning pain on his neck from a bite, matching the one on Seungcheol's neck. 

Weeks go by and the number of pregnancy tests Joshua has gone through were enough to fill a landfill. All of them had a single blue line in the middle that filled him with both frustration and self-hatred.

It’s been weeks and Joshua has tried every trick in the book; every advice he could find online that betas offered that supposedly helped with getting pregnant only to end up with a single blue line every time, no matter what he tried. 

Joshua was beginning to feel even more hopeless than he initially did, the apprehension growing worse with every single failed test he had to discreetly discard.

It didn’t help that throughout the last few weeks Seungcheol was getting home even more tired and later than usual, and even began to reject Joshua’s advances (which did nothing to help his current predicament by the way).

”I’m sorry Joshua, not tonight,” he would mutter, pulling away from Joshua’s lips. “Work was… exhausting. Next time though, okay?”

The last time they had sex together was a week ago though and Seungcheol so far has rejected all of his advances, coming home much more tired than usual and irritable too, which worried Joshua relentlessly and did nothing to help ease the self-doubt that had been stewing in his heart. 

He would arrive home almost at twelve in the morning, looking spent and exhausted as he dropped on the bed beside Joshua and almost immediately falling asleep. It broke Joshua’s heart to witness how tired he was, so he backed off and did what he could to make the alpha feel more comfortable. 

What hurt Joshua the most though was the evident change in their dynamics at home. Seungcheol would always leave early morning before Joshua could even wake up and make breakfast and arrive late at night after Joshua had already gone to bed.

Every Friday night, Seungcheol would usually take him out on dates after work, either to a fancy dinner, a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, or a walk at the Han River, or they would stay home and watch a movie while eating a whole tub of ice cream. Either way, it had been part of their routine, and hardly did they ever miss out on those Friday night dates. For the past few weeks though, Seungcheol would call him at four in the afternoon apologizing quietly before he tells Joshua that he would have to cancel their plans since he would have to stay longer at the studio. 

Joshua didn't mind at first. It hurt of course, but he knew how important this job was to Seungcheol, so he had merely nodded and told the alpha it was okay, there was always next time. 

But the next time hasn't arrived yet and it was making Joshua antsy. 

If his insecurity was bad before, it had only gotten worse with Seungcheol's sudden mood change. He tried to shrug it off, rationalizing that Seungcheol must have a huge project coming up and he was just stressed. He shouldn't overthink it. 

In an effort to distract himself, he decided to focus on his upcoming gallery that was approaching. Minghao had been pestering him for the past few weeks because Joshua had been so distracted trying to conceive a baby that he had neglected all his other responsibilities, and the final piece of the gallery had still been incomplete. 

Still, though, he had managed to submit everything on time for the event and had asked Seungcheol a few nights before the opening if he would come. 

His stomach twisted when the alpha hesitated. 

"I tried to request the day off," Seungcheol sighed, rubbing the back of his neck the way he usually did when he was nervous. "But the company really wants me at the studio tomorrow. The album we're working on... all the songs have to be submitted by the end of next week. I'm sorry Joshua."

Joshua ignored the burn in his eyes as he swallowed down the tears building at the back of his throat. He had forced a smile and nodded at his mate. "It's okay, I understand, Cheollie."

"But, I'll do my best to be there," Seungcheol retorted. "I promise."

And what could Joshua do but nod?

"Okay."

On Friday morning, Joshua finds himself at a fertility clinic. He doesn't know how he got there, but he had found the name online and was quick to book an appointment when he saw that the doctor worked not just with omegas but with betas as well. 

Next thing he knew he was sitting alone in an office, leg bouncing up and down and teeth chewing nervously on his lips. Supposedly, he was one of the greatest fertility doctors in Seoul and probably Joshua's last hope after he had already tried everything he could find online. He had been lucky to get an appointment, the lady on the phone had said, since they usually had a year-long waitlist. 

Dr. Jeon Wonwoo, the nameplate on the desk read.

"I'm not going to lie to you," Dr. Jeon Wonwoo sighs as he looks over Joshua's file, "The chances of a male beta getting pregnant... are slim to none."

'Tell me something I don't know.' Joshua bites his tongue. 

Dr. Jeon places the file on his desk and adjusts his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Male betas, although they have the reproductive system for it, they have a lower chance of getting pregnant due to having underdeveloped ovaries. That and their bodies just aren't made to handle the stress of childbearing."

Joshua grits his teeth. He does his best to mask the anger on his face, but it's hard. This wasn't something that he hadn't heard before, in fact, he had read it multiple times while scrolling hours on end through various articles and research on beta anatomy. He knew the way his body worked more than anybody else, he didn't need another condescending alpha to remind him.

"But, all that I am sure is something you have already heard," the doctor continues, resting his chin on his hands. "Even with fertility drugs, the chances of a successful conception are relatively low and and highly unlikely. Not to mention betas can't go through ruts or heats... it's not going to be easy."

"Haven't heard that one before," he grumbles sarcastically, unable to contain himself anymore. 

"I said it wasn't going to be easy, not that it wasn't going to be impossible though," Dr. Jeon sighs as he grabs a piece of paper, scribbling a could of words before handing a prescription to Joshua. "The most I can do for you right now is prescribe you some hormone enhancers. Something that would increase your chances of reproductivity if taken regularly."

Joshua eyes the note hesitantly. He had done enough research to know which drugs Dr. Jeon was talking about and regret instantly fills him. He recalls the long list of side effects that he had skimmed through which was enough to scare him and had stupidly walked into the clinic hoping for other alternatives but in the end, it seems like this really was the only choice he had left after exhausting all his other ones. 

"If that doesn't work after a few months, there are a few other treatments that we can look into," his eyes then darken," I should warn you though it would be best that you warn your mate about this before you take them. The side effects aren't always so... pleasant and there is always the risk that it might affect them, too."

He purses his lips together and takes the note.

Mating before marriage wasn't illegal in their country, but it did go against customs and as a result, many people looked down on it. Especially Seungcheol's parents. 

Seungcheol's parents were hard-headed and traditional, they had raised Seungcheol with an iron fist which is why the alpha didn't have a particularly good relationship with them. But, he was still a dutiful son, so when he and Joshua mated, he only saw it fit to go tell his parents the news in person. 

The screaming match that erupted was one that would haunt Joshua forever. 

Seungcheol's parents had never been fond of the idea of Seungcheol dating Joshua and they had let their apprehensions known through subtle ways. Being around them always made Joshua anxious and it was only a matter of time before they let him know how they truly felt about him. They took that as the opportunity to do so.

"No son of mine is going to be mated to a beta!"

His mother had screeched, slamming her fist on the dinner table, sneering at the beta, and looking at him like he was scum at the bottom of her shoe. 

"Seungcheol, think about this for a moment," his father had said, both his voice and eyes reflecting a coldness that chilled Joshua to his core. "A beta is not a good mate for an alpha," he had spat Joshua's subgender like it was a dirty word. "Do you realize what this does to your reputation? To my reputation? If you do not sever this bond now, you best be prepared to lose us!"

Seungcheol had met his parents' glare unyieldingly and had placed himself between Joshua and them to protect the beta from their scrutinizing gazes and scornful words that hurt Joshua more than they probably should've. 

Joshua had been preparing himself for Seungcheol to agree to his parent's demands. His parents were rich after all and owned a rather large company in Seoul that made millions a year and though Seungcheol wasn't the one that was going to inherit said company thanks to his older brother taking the mantel, that would still mean he was going to cut off a huge part of his life. His family. Over a beta. 

Joshua didn't think it was an equivalent exchange. 

"I am prepared to lose you." He had stated with so much resolution it stunned all other occupants in the room. "This isn't up for debate," he had sneered, "I love Joshua, and whether you accept it or not, we are mated and it's going to stay that way. I only came to tell you because I figured you at least deserved to know why I will be cutting you off for the rest of my life."

His parents had yelled obscenities and curses as they made their way out of Seungcheol's childhood home, but the alpha had grasped the beta's hand and walked out with his head held high. 

Never once looking back no matter how loud his parents called out for him. 

They drove back home in silence, Seungcheol's hand still grasping Joshua's own as he focused on the road. 

He wondered if Seungcheol would later regret this and resent him. He wondered if it was a mistake telling Seungcheol that he loved him and asking him to mark him that night to make him his. But as the uncertainty clouded his mind, Seungcheol glanced at him, a small grin on his face despite the tears he could see building at the corner of his eyes.

"It's just you and me now."

Joshua stared. Then nodded.

"Just you and me."

On the opening day of his art gallery, Joshua is brimming with anxiety to the point that he's biting his nails again, a habit he had thought he had left behind years ago but only kept worsening over the past few months. 

It wasn't Joshua's first gallery, but it was his first gallery without Seungcheol by his side. He watches the crowd of people that ventured into the museum, all of them looking at his pieces with wonder in their eyes, pointing at the delicate intricacies and trying to decipher what each one meant. In the midst of the crowds, he tried to find a familiar mop of brown hair only to not find any, filling him with disappointment as the minutes dragged by. 

He stands in the corner of the room as his art agent, Minghao, is conversing with the museum's director, leaving Joshua alone for the time being. Honestly, he just wanted to go home at this point. He was tired, both emotionally and mentally and he wanted nothing more than to go home and rest. 

"This one is a marvelous piece." 

A voice snaps him out of his thoughts and he turns to see an older man, wearing a suit and glasses with dark hair pushed back, examining the painting that was to Joshua's right. He could tell from the muted scent of coffee that this man was a beta like him.

"T-thank you," he blushes. 

The man stares at the painting with a smile on his face then turns to look at Joshua. 

"You're the artist, right? Joshua Hong?" he asks, holding out his hand for a greeting. 

Joshua nods. "Y-yes. That's right."

"Amazing," the older man clasps his hands together in delight. "You are superbly talented, I can feel the emotions painted into each one of these pieces. They're all magnificent, but this one..." he turns back to the painting. Joshua—who hadn't even looked at the painting when he moved to stand where he was—turned around and took a step back to stand beside the man so he could properly look at the piece. 

"Now this one truly is something," he mutters, placing a finger under his chin and staring at the painting with wonder and contemplation. 

And-oh, this painting. 

Joshua recognized this painting. 

He feels his throat clogged up as he stares at the large canvas, his heart feeling heavy in his chest.

This painting had been a last minute thing. The museum director had rejected one of his pieces claiming that it didn't fit the theme they were going for and Joshua immediately started working on a another piece to submit. It was abstract; a mesh of black and red and white colors vaguely depicting the shadow of a man, hands curled into his chest curled up as what looked like knives stabbed at his core, cracks spreading from his center.

It was a simple painting. Might not look like much to others and it wasn’t garnering a lot of attention compared to his other paintings, but there was something about the image that made Joshua's stomach twist in on itself. Each brush stroke was like a cry for help.

Seungcheol had complimented the painting the first time he showed it to him, and Joshua didn't have the guts to tell him what was running through his mind with each brush stroke.

Staring at it now made his eyes sore.

“It's simple, but... there’s a lot of… pain in it. And yearning,” the man continues and Joshua wishes he would shut up.

“How much are you selling it for?” The man asked.

Joshua continues to stare at the piece as he felt the man’s eyes on him once more, waiting for a response.

Joshua wouldn’t call the painting pretty. If anything, he felt the urge to take it off the wall and smash it to the ground into tiny little pieces until it was no longer recognizable. Maybe burn it to ashes or slice a pair of scissors through it until it was nothing more than ribbons.

Anything to quell the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach that it gave him the longer he looked at it.

Maybe he should take the offer and sell it to the man so he would no longer have to look at it. Spare his eyes and his sanity because as he continues to look at the picture the more his mind tumbled further into a dark abyss.

’Just you and me now.’

“Sorry,” he responds. 

“This one's not for sale.”

Joshua doesn’t remember how he made it home. He thinks Minghao probably drove him after realizing how out of it Joshua looked towards the end of the night as his eyes remained glued to the painting even after the man had walked away disgruntled, but he was too lost in his own thoughts.

He thinks he remembers Minghao asking him if he was okay and proceeding to tell him not to worry about the rest of the gallery after Joshua didn’t respond, then probably took him home.

Next thing he knew his hand was reaching for the bottles in the alcohol cabinet that Seungcheol usually kept for special occasions, his hand grabbing whatever it happened upon before opening the cork and gulping its contents without care.

Joshua wasn’t usually much of a drinker especially now as he was working hard to conceive, but at that moment, the alcohol burning down his throat was the best feeling in the world.

He drank until the pain in his heart dissipated, until the emptiness in his stomach didn’t feel like it was swallowing him whole. He drank like he had never drank before until his skin flushed red from his face to his chest. 

He wasn’t a pretty sight, which is probably why Seungcheol lost his shit when he walked into their living room at one in the morning.

”Joshua what the fuck?!”

The beta jerked in surprise, his mind had been too out of it to rationalize that the alpha would be home soon, too consumed by the alcohol that took over his mind.

Seungcheol didn’t like it when he drank. Not only because Joshua had the weakest alcohol tolerance known amongst their group of friends, but because he also got clingy and touchy when he was drunk. 

Joshua’s vision is blurred but he can just make out the familiar figure standing at the entrance, staring at him in shock. He smiles drunkenly from his seat on the couch and spreads his arms wide.

”Cheollie! You’re home!” He hiccups, standing on unsteady legs and wrapping his arms around the alpha, placing a drunken kiss on the flabbergasted man's cheek. 

“Joshua what the hell are you doing?” Seungcheol however, doesn’t sound as excited to see the beta, eyes scanning him for whatever reason. Joshua pouts at the lack of excitement in his tone. 

“Why are you yelling? You’re so mean,” he whines. 

The alpha sighs in exasperation, rubbing his face with his hand from frustration and if Joshua were sober, he’d probably be able to see the heavy bags under his eyes, the clear exhaustion in his expression, and the way his body looked wilted from how tired he was. 

But alas, Joshua wasn’t sober at that moment and Seungcheol yelps in surprise as he's pushed against the couch by a sudden burst of strength, and in the blink of an eye, the beta is straddling his lap. The scent of petrichor floats in the air and Seungcheol's nose twitches, eyes widening with lust as Joshua lightly ruts his hips down. Joshua's nose nuzzles against his neck, just over his sensitive scent gland where his bite mark rested. 

It's enough to snap the alpha out of his trance.

"Joshua, stop," he orders as sternly as possible, grabbing onto the beta's hips tightly to stop him.

The beta whines in displeasure. "But why?" he asks. 

"You're drunk Joshua. Let's not do this right now."

"Please," Joshua begs persistently, leaning in once more to trail kisses down Seungcheol's neck knowing how sensitive it was. "I just want you, Cheollie."

"Joshua, enough!"

The air stills around them. Joshua completely freezes, his mind going completely sober as he pauses in his movements and he pulls back in shock, eyes widened in disbelief and looking like he had just seen a ghost. And he might as well have cause there was no mistaking that tone Seungcheol had just used on him. 

Seungcheol just Alpha-ordered him. 

Seungcheol had never alpha-ordered him—had never alpha-ordered anyone for that matter, let alone Joshua. His mate was too kind and gentle to do something like that. 

Although it didn't affect betas as much as it affected omegas, it still rattled them - still had them reeling in response and had them halt in their actions. 

Joshua releases a shaky breath. 

Seungcheol seems to realize what he did as his eyes widen and his mouth gapes in disbelief, regret painting his entire expression in a second and Joshua wonders how long it would take him to capture its exact details and paint it into a canvas. 

"I'm sorry, Shua, I-" he stutters. 

"It's okay," he whispers, the words burning his mouth as they leave him, fat tears building at the corner of his eyes. "I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't have pushed."

”Come on,” Seungcheol sighs as he proceeds to wrap Joshua’s arms around his neck and lifts him from the couch. “Let’s just get you to bed.”

Joshua hums as Seungcheol stumbles to their room. Once they arrive, Seungcheol carefully deposits Joshua on the bed and proceeds to remove the shoes he had forgotten to take off and tucks him under the covers and Joshua feels overcome with so much affection. 

Seungcheol was sweet. Oh, so sweet. The sweetest lover anybody could ever ask for. His presence was like a calm, soothing forest where birds sang and trees danced along with the wind. One that filled you with so much peace and serenity it drove you to tears. Where Joshua felt safe and loved. 

And if Seungcheol was like a forest, Joshua must be like a storm. 

One that threatened to tear that forest down. 

His mind flashes to the countless pregnancy tests he's thrown away, the conversation he overheard between the group of alphas, Seungcheol's wishes for a family, and the loneliness he was plagued with before Seungcheol came into his life. 

Through the haze of his drunken mind, Joshua feels a tendril of dread wrap around his heart as he watches Seungcheol walk away into the restroom, leaving Joshua alone on the cold bed. He feels his throat constrict and a pathetic whimper escapes his lips. 

Seungcheol was the sweetest alpha Joshua has ever met; somebody who deserved to have his wish come true and become a father one day and he thinks, mournfully, that if he had married anybody else other than Joshua, he could have had that by now. He's seen the way other omegas stare longingly at his mate, who was ignorant to all of it, the way the touch of a waitress lingered a bit longer than necessary on the alpha's shoulder, and the way they spoke to him. Seungcheol had a whole pond of fish to himself. He could've had anybody he ever wanted, yet he settled for a measly beta. 

The thought is so gut-wrenching he chokes back a strangled sob as he realizes how truly selfish he's been these past few years—dragging Seungcheol down, taking him away from his family, and keeping him from the one thing he's wanted more than anything. 

His hands wrap around his flat stomach which seemed even thinner than it did a few weeks ago, a painful reminder of all his vain efforts and it was almost like the universe was mocking him. There were sometimes he wished that he had been born an omega, like Seungcheol's friend Seungkwan that had beared a child naught but a few months ago. He still remembers the look of utter happiness on his mate's face who glowed like never before after the birth of his daughter. 

He imagines that same expression on Seungcheol's face—how delighted and excited he would look. He imagines a baby, a son or a daughter running around their home and sharing the same features as their father; the same eyes, and the same smile and laughter and it fills him with even more agony at the thought of it. 

It was funny. Joshua never wanted kids when he was younger, yet here he was agonizing over it years later. 

Karma could be cruel.

"Joshua?"

Seungcheol's voice cuts through his thoughts. The alpha places a cup of water on Joshua's nightstand before sitting down on the edge of the bed, next to Joshua. His wide, tired eyes are filled with concern as they gaze upon Joshua's trembling figure, lingering on the tears that trailed down his cheeks. 

"Are you okay?" He asks as he wipes the tears away gently, rubbing at his cheeks with his thumbs. 

No. He wasn't okay. Hasn't been okay for a while now. 

"Y-yeah," he sniffs, pushing his face away from Seungcheol's hands so he could wipe his own tears with the back of his hands. "I took alcohol from the cabinet," he hiccups. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Seungcheol responds softly. There's a heavy hand rubbing gentle, slow circles on the small of his back, the gesture so loving it only makes Joshua choke up even more. "Is this because of the gallery?" Seungcheol asks, his tone sounding so regretful it hurt Joshua's heart. "I'm really sorry I couldn't go, I promise I'll do everything I can to be there next time."

"It's fine," Joshua mutters. He removes his hands from his eyes and places them on his lap, his eyes glued to them, too ashamed to look up at Seungcheol's own eyes. "It was just... a busy day. That's all," he answers. 

Seungcheol seems to hesitate at the response, but he doesn't push it—trusting that if something truly was bothering Joshua he'd eventually come around and tell him once he was comfortable enough to share it. Just one of the many beautiful qualities Seungcheol possessed that made Joshua fall in love with him in the first place. 

"Okay," he says quietly. "But, if something's bothering you, you'll tell me, right?"

Joshua purses his lips. A pair of warm hands gently get a hold of his chin and tilt his head up slowly, forcing him to look up at Seungcheol.

"You will, won't you?" he asks again. 

The sad, pleading look in his eyes is enough to have Joshua reeling. He's hit with a pang of guilt, recalling the countless pregnancy tests he's thrown in the trash, the secret visits to the clinic, the prescription note of hormonal enhancers that is sitting at the bottom of his drawer that he had been too scared to take to the pharmacy. Joshua had never gone behind Seungcheol's back like this. Had never kept something like this from him, and the guilt claws at his chest and climbs up his throat. 

He truly was poison. 

"I will," he lies once more. 

The answer is enough to satisfy Seungcheol as his tense shoulders finally relax. He leans forward, placing a gentle kiss on Joshua's lips. 

"Thank you," he whispers, resting his forehead against the beta's. "And I'm so, so sorry for what I did earlier."

"It's okay," Joshua answers once more, his mind trying to forget the terror that had enveloped him from the effects of the alpha order. "I'm sorry for the way I acted. I didn't mean to."

"It's okay," Seungcheol answers as he pulls away, gently patting Joshua's hand. "Enough apologies. Let's just go to sleep, yeah?"

The beta purses his lips together and nods.

That night, as he lays under the covers with his lover's arms wrapped around his stomach, Joshua dreams of an empty crib, rocking in the middle of a barren room. 

The next day, Joshua wakes up to a pounding headache and a cup of warm tea sitting on his nightstand together with a note. 

'Take lots of rest today. :) No working. >:('

Joshua chuckles lightly as he takes a sip of the herbal tea, throat thrumming with delight at the soothing liquid. He feels like shit, both physically and mentally, and the events of last night left a bitter taste in his mouth that he couldn't get rid of, but despite that, Joshua decides that he wants to have a good day. So he makes himself some breakfast, answers Minghao's and Soonyoung's texts from last night assuring them he was fine, and catches up on some reality TV show he and Seungcheol had been watching before the alpha had grown bored of it. 

It's eleven am when he realizes Seungcheol must have left the house without breakfast and lunch since Joshua hadn't woken up on time to prepare something for him and he stands up from his comfortable position on the couch, stretches, and heads to the kitchen to prepare something to take him to work. 

After the events of last night, he figures taking lunch to Seungcheol's workplace was a good enough gesture to make up for what happened. Despite how drunk he'd been, he wasn't drunk enough to completely forget what had happened and he shudders, thinking of how stupid and ridiculous he had been throwing himself over Seungcheol like that. 

'Get it together, Joshua,' he reminds himself. His relationship with Seungcheol was already as taut as it was and it made him anxious. After last night, going to see Seungcheol at work felt kind of awkward but at the same time, Joshua felt it was something he had to do in order to make sure their relationship didn't suffer more than it already was. 

He hums a soft tune as he carefully puts the gimbap neatly in the lunchbox together with other side dishes and closes it. 

He calls for an uber and makes his way to Seungcheol's studio. He did consider texting Seungcheol once he arrived but thought it would be nice to surprise him at work. He walks through the building doors with a skip to his step, giving the receptionist a friendly smile as he states he's here to see his mate, Seungcheol. After providing some ID, he's allowed in and given the room number to Seungcheol's studio. 

He walks down the halls, following the directions the receptionist had given her to find the elevator and go to the second floor where the receptionist claimed Seungcheol's studio was. As he ventures down the halls of the rather large building, he greets the occasional passerby, some of which he recognized from the company event from a few weeks ago. Most of them greeted back with a familiar smile, and some of them gave him odd looks that he did his best to shrug off. 

He was here on a mission after all, he wasn't going to let anything else get to him. 

He's turning the corner when he finally sees him. 

Seungcheol, standing in the hall with bottled water in his hands, wearing the black t-shirt Joshua had gifted him a few months ago with black leather pants, hair slightly slicked back. Though Joshua was accustomed to seeing him every day, he doesn't think he'll ever get used to how truly stunning his mate was. 

Joshua's smile widens as soon as he sees him, his heart feeling lighter than earlier and he takes a step forward. 

"Seu-."

"Oppa!"

He stops. Eyes widening slightly as Seungcheol is approached by a young woman, an omega that looked to be somewhat around their age. She was pretty, with pale skin, a small figure, long, glossy hair, and with a cute smile. She walks up to Seungcheol comfortably, striking up a conversation right away that he couldn't quite hear and Seungcheol's eyes brighten almost immediately, the exhaustion that had been plaguing him disappearing for a momentary second. 

Joshua hides behind the wall, peeking over the corner just enough to watch them interact. He can't hear their conversation, but they look ecstatic and... happy. 

When was the last time he had seen Seungcheol smile like that? 

He had been so tired lately getting home, had been in a rather quiet and almost irritable mood and Joshua had just given him his space. It had been a while since he had seen that smile directed at him. 

His heart drops, the lunchbox in his hands suddenly feeling like it weighed thirty pounds as the omega slaps Seungcheol's shoulder jokingly, both of them bursting into laughter at whatever joke Seungcheol just said, her fingers lingering on his shoulder for a moment before putting her arm down. 

Joshua watches like an intruder from afar as the two of them proceed to turn and walk down the hall. It was like time almost slowed down for a moment, as Joshua watched his mate walk away with an unknown omega, leaving Joshua behind though unknowingly. 

He stands there until they turn the corner, finally disappearing from his sight. 

And Joshua is left there alone, in the middle of an empty hall to cope with his afflicting heart. It's funny, for years Joshua hasn't felt solitude since he had met Seungcheol, and yet he had never truly forgotten what it felt like. It was like a familiar friend that finally showed up after being absent for years. An unwelcomed companion whose presence weighed Joshua down. A lingering shadow that had strayed away until it found its way back to Joshua. 

He takes a step back and turns, passing by a trashcan in which he drops the packed lunch he had prepared. 

He doesn't see the eyes of the receptionist from earlier trailing after him, looking perplexed. He doesn't even realize he's crying until he's outside and he can feel the hot tears trailing down his cheeks as he makes his way back home with heavy steps, his heart feeling like a ball and chain dragging him down. 

His mind clings to the image of Seungcheol walking away from him, accompanied by the omega from earlier and he sobs. 

Deep inside, the rational part of his brain knew that it was more than likely nothing. That the omega was just a co-worker that Seugcheol collaborated with. His mate was a friendly guy, after all, anybody who knew him liked him and grew fond of him and Seungcheol was nice to everybody. 

But, the darker part of his brain, the one that has been festering for the past few months and chipping away at his self-esteem couldn't help but think how perfect Seungcheol had looked next to somebody else that wasn't Joshua. 

By the time he gets home, Joshua's eyes have dried and he makes his way over to the top drawer of his dresser, rummaging through its contents until he finds what he's looking for. 

He pulls out the prescription note Dr. Jeon had given him and stares at it, his eyes running through the almost illegible letter over and over again. There is hesitation lingering in his heart, recalling the numerous side effects he had read and the ones the Doctor had listed should he choose to take them. It was intimidating and he didn't know if he was up for the emotional and physical drain that would come with consuming them frequently. 

But the thought of Seungcheol immediately made that hesitation go away and he folds the note neatly, putting it in his pocket before grabbing his shoes once more and making his way out the door. 

When Seungcheol gets home that night and wraps his arms around Joshua's waist thinking that the beta was asleep, he doesn't bring up earlier's events. Even as Seungcheol's breathing evens out and tears proceed to stream down his face, Joshua remains silent.

Seungcheol texts him early one day letting him know he was coming home early. 

Joshua is excited and after wrapping things up on the third day of his art gallery, he rushes home and begins to prepare Seungcheol's favorite for dinner. 

It's close to nine pm by the time the door to their home opens and Seungcheol walks in, dragging his feet as he places his stuff down and takes off his shoes. 

"Babe, I'm home," Seungcheol calls out tiredly as he walks through the door. 

The smell of food fills the house, and Seungcheol takes a large sniff of it, exhaling in satisfaction at the mouthwatering scent. It had been a while since he got to enjoy Joshua's dinner freshly cooked since he had been working so late for the past few days, usually getting home after Joshua has already passed out on the bed from exhaustion and the dinner he prepared stored neatly inside Tupperware.  

"I'm here," he hears a soft, pleasant voice call back from the kitchen. 

He smiles as he makes his way over to the kitchen where the scent of petrichor that he has become more familiar with than his own scent of pine and balsam was coming from. 

Joshua is in the kitchen, placing plates full of food that smelled absolutely divine on the table. Seungcheol stops at the doorway, watching the scene with fond eyes, one he had grown accustomed to over the past five years since they started living together. Joshua, who started working from home when he finally finished art school, would always make dinner for the both of them no matter how tired he was. 

He had missed coming home to this scene.

Joshua finally looks up as he finishes setting the table, eyes widening slightly in surprise before smiling softly, "Cheollie," he calls as he approaches the alpha and wraps his arms around his neck. 

Seungcheol hums and gently kisses him, savoring the moments he's been missing for the past few weeks terribly. 

"You're home early," Joshua comments when they finally pull apart. 

"The album's almost finished, so PD-nim decided to let us off early," he answers as he sits down at the table. Joshua places a plate in front of him for which Seungcheol thanks him. 

They eat silently and Seungcheol can't help but feel like there was something wrong; something that was bothering him about the whole scene. 

Usually, their dinner was filled with casual conversations about their day and quiet laughter, even when they were both exhausted, but it was unusually quiet and it was unsettling him. He looks up at Joshua, seeing him eating his dinner quietly and slower than normal. 

There was something... different about him. He looked exhausted, and he itches to ask if he's been getting enough sleep knowing how stressful gallery days could be. 

And was his scent of rain always this strong? 

He clears his throat. "How was the gallery today?" he asks. 

"Hm?" Joshua looks up slightly, his eyes reflecting an exhaustion that Seungcheol doesn't think he has seen since they were both college students and Joshua was pulling all-nighters trying to finish a project or studying for an exam, all while running on nothing but coffee and a random granola bar Seungkwan would give him.

"It went well," Joshua responds slowly. "I think today was the day we had the most visitors so far."

Seungcheol bites back a wince, a pang of guilt hitting his chest as he remembers the heartbroken expression on Joshua's face the day he told him he wouldn't be able to go on opening night. They had been dating for years and Joshua has had at least three galleries during that timeframe and Seungcheol failed to miss any of them until recently.

He had felt horrible the whole week since his boss had told him they had to work late on the opening day of the gallery and that feeling only worsened when he told Joshua and the other's expression fell instantly. 

He told himself he would try to make time to go while it was still open, but so far had had no luck. 

Joshua doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk after and Seungcheol leaves it at that. They both eat their dinner silently and Seungcheol washes the dishes as Joshua goes to take a quick shower and ready himself for bed. Still, Seungcheol's thoughts are overtaken by concern as he listens to the running water coming out of the shower. 

Having dated for seven years, Seungcheol has always been able to read Joshua like the palm of his hand, or at least he'd like to believe that he pretty much had a Ph.D. in Joshuaology (other than Soonyoung). But recently, it was like a wall had built itself between them and Seungcheol could no longer tell what the other was thinking or feeling.

It didn’t help that as a beta, Joshua’s scent wasn’t as prominent as an alpha’s or an omega’s so it had always been hard for Seungcheol to detect the slightest shift in mood from the younger. Joshua used to laugh and say it was like dancing with your partner blindfolded—you can’t see what the other is doing, but they’re so in sync with each other that it doesn’t matter as they waltz down the dance floor.

Now though, Seungcheol feels like he was stepping on one too many feet.

And it was his fault.

He sighs as he makes his way to their shared bedroom. The shower had been turned off so more than likely Joshua was changing in their room and getting ready for bed.

He can’t help but feel guilty for the way he has treated Joshua for the past few weeks, but it wasn’t like it was intentional. Seungcheol had been working harder on this album than any other album, he thinks, and it was coming out perfect, but at what cost? He’s exhausted at the end of the day and arrives so late at night that Joshua—who has had a track record for years of sleeping early—was usually knocked out by the time he got home, a package of leftover dinner waiting for him in the fridge with a cute note from Joshua that usually had ‘welcome home :)’ written neatly in the middle.

He had hardly been sleeping too which only served to put him in a more than irritable mood

He sighs.

The album was almost over though, and soon he hoped that things would go back to normal and Joshua wouldn’t resent him over the way that he has been absent for the most part for the past few days.

He opens the door to their bedroom and pauses as soon as he walks in, slightly gaping. Joshua is there, sitting cross-legged at the edge of the bed wearing a flimsy robe Seungcheol hadn’t seen him wear before that showed more tanned skin and legs than the alpha was accustomed to seeing him in.

Overall, it was much more revealing than the stuff the beta usually wore.

Joshua looks up from his phone and gives the alpha a familiar, minx-like smile that usually signaled the beginnings of Seungcheol’s demise.

“You took forever,” he practically purrs.

“Uhh,” Seungcheol continues to gape as Joshua stands from his position on the bed and—holy shit the robe was much shorter than he initially thought, they actually sell them like this?

In just three steps, Joshua covers the distance between them, the scent of rain filling Seungcheol’s nose more than normal and he ignores the abnormality behind that considering Joshua was a beta and betas didn’t have that potent of a scent.

Joshua wraps his arms around the befuddled alpha's neck who was frozen in his post, leaning closer and closer until his soft breathing was hitting Seungcheol’s cheeks and before he knew it, the beta’s plus lips push against his own and Seungcheol closes his eyes.

The beta fights for dominance in their kiss—the way he usually did and sometimes Seungcheol humored him and pretended like he was going to let the other win only to push back and take over like always. He places his hands on the other’s small waist, gripping tightly and leaning into the kiss as he can feel his instincts almost take over.

The beta ruts against him and a growl builds at the back of his throat, the grip on the other’s waist tightening almost possessively and pushes him until the back of his knees hit the bed and he’s pushed down against the cushions, Seungcheol on top of him.

They lay there for several minutes, the sound of kissing filling the silence of the room and Seungcheol feels like he's drunk on Joshua. Joshua smells like rain, and tastes like honey, and he can’t believe he had forgotten how much he missed the other’s touch these past few days that he had been so busy and exhausted.

His hands ride up from his clothed waist to his ribs and chest and his thumb brushes against a nipple, causing the beta to gasp against the kiss and it’s enough for Seungcheol’s pants to suddenly tighten.

All the while he ignores the voice at the back of his mind that whispers to him that something was wrong. His mate shouldn’t smell so strong and sweet, and since when was he so skinny? Joshua was the type of person to take care of his body and work out at the gym often to the point Seungcheol complained to him that he was getting bigger than him at one point. The beta laughed and teased him at the time.

Did he get smaller?

He shoves the worries to the back of his mind though, overtaken by a lust he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before. It was mindless, almost animalistic as he practically rips the robe off of Joshua, nipping and sucking on the hollow of his neck and pushing him further up the bed, placing himself comfortably between the younger's long, tanned legs. Seungcheol's brain is a haze, as he feels himself lose control. Joshua's scent sent him into a craze.

It was almost like a rut.

The thought instantly makes him freeze.

It was like the fog of his mind suddenly cleared and the lust was chased away, replaced by basic comprehension. He pulls away from the half-naked, writhing beta beneath him, eyes wide and unseeing.

“Wha-what’s wrong?” the beta pants.

Seungcheol doesn’t respond though. He makes the math in his head, counting down a mental calendar. The thing about being an alpha was that they always kept track of their ruts in order to avoid any embarrassing situations and prepare themselves for the storm, as did omegas with their heats.

Seungcheol especially has always been really meticulous about tracking his ruts. Being with a beta, meant he had to be more cautious since their bodies weren’t made to handle the stress of an alpha’s ruts the way omegas’ were, so he always made sure to keep track of when his next rut would come so they could prepare and he wouldn’t take his mate by surprise and risk hurting him.

Joshua always teased him for it, the way he teased him for many things that he found endearing about the alpha. It wasn’t the kind of teasing that Seungcheol felt like the other was genuinely making fun of him though, but rather one out of fondness.

“Seungcheol,” he hears the beta underneath him whisper once more, his voice laced with worry.

His last rut was… it shouldn’t be… should it?

He shakes his head and finally gazes down at the beta.

“Sorry,” he mutters as he pulls away, missing the panicked look in Joshua’s eyes when he does so. He sits up on the bed and Joshua pushes himself up with his forearms so he could look at the alpha.

“Is everything okay?” the beta asks so quietly it wrings Seungcheol’s heart.

“Y-yeah, yeah,” the alpha nods hurriedly, ignoring the tent in his pants that wasn’t going away and probably making this situation more embarrassing than it should be. He tries to calm himself down, ignoring the overwhelming instinct that wanted to pounce on Joshua and tear him apart (not literally). “Sorry, just started feeling… sick all of a sudden, is all. I think it’s the exhaustion.”

He swallows.

“I’ll go get you some tea,” the beta wraps the flimsy robe around him once more, and Seungcheol feels embarrassment as he holds himself back from whimpering pathetically once the beta finally walks out of the room, taking the scent of petrichor with him that had Seungcheol’s sense on overdrive.

He sighs heavily and walks to the restroom on shaky legs where he proceeds to wash his face in an effort to calm down the way jitteriness in his body. He can feel an incoming headache and distantly remembers the bottle of painkillers that Joshua usually kept in the medicine cabinet Seungcheol hardly opened.

He rubs his temples as he opens the cabinet, hand reaching for the familiar bottle of painkillers when he catches sight of another bottle right next to it.

His eyes widen.

Joshua holds back a groan as he leans against the table, waiting for the water to boil for Seungcheol’s tea.

He had been feeling exhausted for the past few days since he started taking the medication. When he had first read the symptoms, clearly he had been underestimating them cause he felt like absolute shit. For the past few days, his body had been aching, his scent glands had been feeling more sensitive than normal, he kept oversleeping from exhaustion, was feeling irritable, and overall it just wasn’t a fun experience.

Dr. Jeon had told him the pills wouldn’t work immediately but clearly the symptoms had hit him fast like a train.

Despite that, he had wanted to surprise Seungcheol. He knew the alpha has been exhausted what with their upcoming album that the alpha still hadn’t shared much info about with Joshua (which stung considering the alpha occasionally asked for Joshua’s input in his work), but he knew it had been the most stressed he has seen Seungcheol since he helped write and produce his first album with the company. It seemed the agency was putting everything into whatever work they were currently producing.

Sure, Joshua himself felt tired, but considering how their relationship felt like it was currently in the trenches, he just wanted to feel a sense of normalcy after how strained their interactions had been for the past few weeks.

He should have taken into consideration that Seungcheol probably wanted nothing more than to rest now that he finally had the chance to get home earlier than usual. He wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t stung to get rejected by his mate once more, especially after having witnessed that scene at Seungcheol’s workplace…

He shakes his head.

It was best to not ponder on it lest his mind take a darker turn that it already has.

He finishes preparing the tea and heads back to their bedroom with Seungcheol, opening the door slowly while carefully balancing the mug in his shaky hands.

“Seungcheol, here’s your tea-.”

He pauses.

Seungcheol is sitting at the edge of the bed, leaning forward while fiddling with a familiar-looking bottle in his hands.

Joshua feels his heart drop out of his chest and between his legs.

“What is this?” Seungcheol asks, his tone quiet and almost alarmingly cold, his intense gaze cutting through Joshua like paper.

Joshua swallows, his throat suddenly feeling dry.

“I-I,” he stutters, but no words come out. There wasn’t a plausible explanation that Seungcheol would buy cause—sure, Joshua has mentioned before that his mate can be extremely gullible but he wasn’t stupid.

He knew what those pills were, what they did, and what they caused.

“Where and when did you get this?” he asks once again, this time standing from his position on the bed so fast that it makes Joshua flinch. “Is this why you don’t look well? How long have you been taking these Joshua? Do you have any idea what these can do to you?”

The mug in his hands clacks against the plate from how much his hands are shaking, Seungcheol’s volume rising with every question.

“I can explain,” he mutters so quietly, it’s hardly even a whisper.

“Okay,” Seungcheol nods, crossing his arms over his chest. “Explain then.”

Oh, Seungcheol is mad. Joshua can’t smell pheromones as well as omegas and alphas, but he can just detect the sharpness of Seungcheol’s usual calming pine scent and it makes his stomach twist in on itself.

And really what was he expecting? Did he really think that Seungcheol wouldn’t find out? Was he really so stupid that he practically hid the bottle in plain sight? Seungcheol hardly ever rummaged in the medicine cabinet so he thought it was safe to leave it there this morning instead of its usual place in his drawer when he was in a hurry to get to the art gallery.

Clearly he had made a mistake.

Just like he had made a mistake in falling in love with Seungcheol and stripping him away of everything, his family, his dreams, his chance at a better life.

His throat chokes up and not for the millionth time in a month he can feel the familiar trail of wet tears streaming down his face.

Seungcheol’s eyes suddenly widen, the anger replaced by worry as he approaches the beta with the intent to take him into his arms only for Joshua to take a step back.

“I-I’m sorry,” he sobs

His head is bowed and the tears are falling from his face and into the tea he had prepared for Seungcheol and he can’t help but slightly mourn the loss of it.

“I just…

”Do you hate me?”

Seungcheol’s eyes widen, and his arms slowly drop as he gapes at the beta.

”W-what?”

Joshua prided himself on being a calm and collected person. Always has been since he was a kid. Soonyoung constantly told him it was annoying sometimes cause Joshua didn’t get upset or hardly reacted to stuff that would make other people lose their cool. Even when he was mad, there was hardly anything that would give it away that he was. Only those that knew him well could tell when he was mad, it usually displayed itself in silence, in the clenching of a jaw and the widening of his eyes that sometimes made Seungcheol laugh.

”I’m sorry I’m sorry, you just look so cute,” he would snicker. “I can’t take you seriously.”

And Joshua would roll his eyes and grumble under his breath but the anger that had encroached on him would fade away with Seungcheol’s pleasant laughter most of the time.

He missed him. He missed them.

He missed not being haunted by this sense of insecurity and self-doubt. He missed Seungcheol coming home every night with a wide smile on his face as he kissed him. He missed the long talks they shared over dinner and the late-night dates they embarked on every Friday night to end their weekday. He missed the walks along the Han River, the whispers and giggles they shared under the covers when neither could sleep, the nights they’d fall asleep on the couch while watching some lame romcom Seungcheol recommended.

It’s not gone, he tells himself. Seungcheol is right there but the insecurity gnaws at him and leaves him barren—a pile of bones in a forgotten city. It eats away at him and replaces every positive thought he once had with pessimism.

”Betas are nothing special.”

”I want to have a family one day.”

And he can’t help it. The stress of the last few weeks that he’s been carrying on his shoulders finally builds up enough to topple him over. 

He sobs. The tears are like a waterfall, never-ending and he wonders how long it will take until there’s nothing left in him.

He vaguely feels Seungcheol’s presence next to him as he lets everything out, the sobs choking him and making almost every other sound that escaped his mouth incomprehensible, like a babbling baby. 

“I can’t-,” he sobs. “I-I took you from your family. I s-stripped you of your dream. I’m just a useless beta," his whole frame shakes, the tears blurring his vision. 

"Joshua," he hears Seungcheol whisper, "What are you talking about?"

The sound that escapes him doesn't even sound human as sobs continue to tear at his throat and tremors wrack his body. 

"I- Y-you said when we were in college t-that you d-dreamt of one day having a family."

He still remembers the look of serenity and happiness that brightened Seungcheol's face every time he brought it up. He wishes he could have painted it into a canvas and treasure it for eternity. 

"I-I can't give you that," he says so softly, his voice sounding so broken it makes him doubt for a second if it was him that said it. The admission tears at him. Hearing it inside your head was one thing, but saying it out loud was like a punch to the gut. 

"Everybody always said that you were making a mistake by dating me." He recalls the whispers back in college. It had taken so long to get past them, to be able to ignore them and pretend it didn't bother him but it did back then and it did now. The night at Seungcheol's company event only exacerbated feelings he had tried so hard to ignore for years. 

"That mating with a beta was like the worst thing you could do to yourself."

He remembers Seungcheol's parents; the seething glares, the hurtful words, and the heartbroken expression on Seungcheol's face when they returned the invitation to their wedding. 

"You've been through so much to be with me... and yet I can't give you the one thing you want the most."

Subconsciously his arm wraps around his middle without realizing it. The emptiness there was just as empty as the one in his heart. 

"What kind of mate am I if I can't give you the one thing you've always dreamt of?" 

He sobs, clutching onto his chest like a lifeline. The words that spilled out of his mouth taste like acid and stab at his heart over and over again relentlessly. 

"What good use am I?" he whispers brokenly. "How could you ever fall in love with someone like me?"

His voice sounds so soft and broken, and that's exactly how he felt. Broken. He found it embarrassing, the way he just let himself break down like that in front of Seungcheol, his mate and he wishes he could take the words back. Shove them back in his mouth into the deepest part of himself that nobody would be able to look. 

But it was out there, he had cleared the air and probably caused even more tension in their already strained relationship. 

His sobs continue to fill the room until he's suddenly pulled toward a warm body that encases him in a tight embrace. 

"C-cheol..." he hiccups through the sobs. 

"Shua... how could you even say that?" Seungcheol's whole body wraps around his like a blanket. There's a hand stroking his back as his body continues to shake from the sobs. He hums words of comfort in Joshua's ears which only serve to make him cry harder. 

Seungcheol should hate him. Joshua doesn't deserve him. He should have listened to Jeonghan all those years ago and broken Seungcheol's heart, let him free if it meant he could have everything he ever wanted. 

It takes a while before Joshua's sobs finally calm down and next thing he knew he was sitting on the living room couch, still sniffling every now and then and feeling even more exhausted than earlier. Seungcheol walks carrying a steaming mug in his hands and Joshua winces as he recalls the tea he had made earlier for Seungcheol that had probably grown cold from his tears. 

"Here," he says with a gentle tone. 

To be honest, the last thing Joshua wanted was tea at the moment, considering how sick he felt from all the crying. He felt like he would throw up anything he ended up putting in his body. But he couldn't just reject his mate's loving gesture. 

He takes the tea and takes a large gulp, ignoring the way it burns down his throat. 

"Thank you," his voice sounded hoarse from all the crying and he grimaces. 

"Are you feeling better?" Seungcheol asks as he takes a seat next to him, their knees knocking against each other. 

"No," he answers, "I don't know."

Seungcheol sighs. He places a comforting hand on Joshua's thigh, warmth exuding from the palm of his hand. "Shua, it's okay if we don't have a kid. That's not the reason why I mated with you."

"It's not," he sniffs. His eyes still refuse to look up at the alpha, his gaze completely glued to the velvet carpet and he wonders idly for a moment when was the last time he vaccumed it. "You've always wanted a kid. Every since we were in college, you always talked about it. Then once we mated you just... stopped."

Seungcheol winces. "No, I told you that what I always wanted was a family."

Joshua flinches. For the first time in the last hour, he finally looks up at his mate and the look on his face makes him almost want to cry again. Seungcheol is staring at him with such a tender and loving look. 

"Shua, did you ever stop to think why I stopped talking about it in the first place after we mated?" he asks. 

"Cause... you thought I wouldn't be able to give you one...?"

Seungcheol scoffs, "No. Shua, I thought you were smarter than that." the tone in his voice sounds almost painful like he couldn't imagine that Joshua would think something like that in the first place. "Shua, my dream was to have a family. That doesn't necessarily mean that kids have to be included in the picture."

He takes Joshua's face in his hands, lifting it gently and wiping the stray tears in his cheeks that continued to pour out of his eyes. He smiles softly at the beta, the comforting scent of pine wrapping around him like a safety blanket.

"You are my family. The one I always dreamt of having. Sure, having a kid would be nice, but I want you more than I want to have said kid."

Joshua's eyes widen and his mouth gapes, but Seungcheol stops him before he can even say anything. "I'm not done yet. I chose to be with you because I love you, Shua. More than anything else in the world. I never cared about what anybody else had to say. I chose you because I wanted to have a life with you. I wanted you to be my yesterday, my today, and my tomorrow. It never mattered to me whether you are a beta or an omega or even an alpha. I love you for who you are and I don't want to have a child if it means that I can't have you."

This time, tears build at the corner of Seungcheol's own eyes and Joshua continues to stare at him with wide eyes. 

"In every life, in every universe, it will always be you no matter what, Joshua. As long as I am with you, I am the happiest person in the world. I love you, Joshua. More than anything."

"I love you too," Joshua gasps. 

Seungcheol pulls him in towards him, wrapping him in his arms and kissing him deeply, letting him know through that one action just how much he meant to him and how much he loved him. Once they pull away, they rest their foreheads against each other, the scent of petrichor and pine mixing once more and Seungcheol loves the way it blends in together so perfectly. 

It was like rain falling over a forest canopy. 

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Choi Seungcheol."

"You took the words right out of my mouth."

They fall asleep on the couch that night and wake up to regret it as their sore bodies complain in the morning. 

Joshua eventually asks him about the omega he had seen with Seungcheol and the alpha explains with an embarrassed expression that the omega was an up-and-coming soloist in the company that PD-nim had been pushing hard to debut. The company had high hopes for her which is why they were working so hard on her debut album, and after Seungcheol finally played some unfinished tracks for him to listen to, he could understand why. 

Seungcheol apologizes for being so absent at home and for inadvertently pushing Joshua away and promising to do better. No matter how busy he was, it wasn't an excuse to disregard their relationship like that. The alpha places his boundaries at work and Seongsu surprisingly understands, giving Seungcheol a bit more free time so that he can rest and spend more time with his mate. 

Joshua on the other hand, throws away the pills that Dr. Jeon had prescribed him and deletes all his desktop bookmarks relating to pregnancy. Seungcheol's words had pushed away any self-doubt and insecurity that had plagued consistently for the past few months and he found no need to wallow over things he couldn't control. 

Both of them promised to communicate better with each other and Joshua vowed to never keep anything that was bothering him from Seungcheol. They did discuss having children and although Joshua might not be able to carry, there were still other options such as adoption or a surrogate, but of course, it was still things that they had to consider and it wasn't like they were in any rush. It would all come with due time. 

For now, they were all they needed. 

Their little family of two.