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When I was in High School, I had a crush on a guy named Kang Younghyun.
He was the kind of cool and popular kid with a slight rebel vibe, always sitting at the back of the classroom. He wore the top of his school uniform opened over a usually black t-shirt, had loop earrings, and his hair was neatly stylized to fake a messy bed-head. Or maybe it was an actual messy bed-head I never asked him. He was a bad-boy, or at least he looked like one, kind of. He wasn’t a bad boy per say, he was… Actually, he just was a really cool guy.
He was popular without even trying. I don’t really remember him actually wanting any of the attention he was receiving. Sure, he liked it, but he wasn’t trying to get it. He just was the type of person others easily liked. He was handsome, funny, had a blinding smile, generally good grades and was great at sports. It honestly was way more than enough to secure him a spot in everyone’s heart. I even heard he could sing, but that was merely just a rumor. He never did it in public. All in all, he was a full package and was appreciated for that.
He and I weren’t really at the same social levels, we barely even interacted. At the time I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with him. Not that I am cooler now, but I do hope that the social norms from the adult world are slightly different from High School. I guess today we would be able to have at least a cordial relationship. But back then, I would have never dared to try.
He was a hard person to approach, maybe it was the way he shone so brightly that was making him intimidating. He was so blinding, so buoyant, I never found the courage to go talk to him. It was stupid, I knew he was a nice person, he wouldn’t have thrown me under the bus for speaking with him. He may have seemed like a bratty boy, too cool to be bothered, but it was just the way his sharp eyes looked at the world. There was an immense warmth in his eyes, when you looked at them properly.
He was full of love, that guy. He loved talking and being talked to, he loved being surrounded, he loved just goofing around and having fun. He was so full of joy and love it was literally radiating from him. And it might as well have hit me right in the heart.
Not only was he cool and kind but he also had such a handsome face, that it took one glance to fall head over heels for him. When I said that everybody loved him, I wasn’t exaggerating. I am pretty sure more than half of the school had a huge crush on that guy. I wasn’t that special.
It just felt different to me. I mean a crush feels different for everyone, it’s the whole principle of having one, it’s a personal experience. But High School was five years ago and I still think very fondly of that black haired boy with his sharp foxlike eyes and charming smile. I never forgot that boy and probably never will.
Maybe it is a sign that my life was pathetic enough for me to never have really moved on from a quote-on-quote High School crush but I’d rather see this as a proof that there are in life some people whose presence are so shining that they leave a permanent mark on our minds and that is something I have always cherished. I treasure this souvenir of that young boy at the back of the class that would make me giggle and blush whenever he spoke, that made my heart beat a bit faster by just walking in the corridor and whose sole presence eased all my High School years. Younghyun definitely was that kind of person and I’ll be forever thankful that he was.
I have never been ashamed to talk about him. When people asked me who my first love was, I would proudly answer his name. He had been such a thing for me. The first person for whom I felt something blooming inside of me, pure and warm, something that tasted like love. And whenever I find myself talking about feelings and dating, it would always bring to my mind a picture of his face, smiling sheepishly, his eyes glimmering as he darted a look across our classroom. I had grown over it, taking him as a part of my life.
We barely ever interacted but, there were some moments when his eyes would land on me, and his words would be directed at me.
Younghyun always sat in the back of the classroom, except for that one math class, during the last year of High School. This year, for a reason unknown to everybody but him and maybe his close friends, he sat in the front of the class, right behind me.
I can still vividly recall the first time we ever spoke. It was in the late morning, during our last class of the first half of the day, sometime around the first or second month of the first semester. We all were waiting for the teacher to come, and I was minding my own business, trying really hard not to feel self-conscious about his presence behind me. It was very new to me, the fact that he was sitting there, despite having already encountered this situation earlier in the month. I couldn’t help but notice that he was behind me. The proximity was new and thrilling, but a bit scary.
I was going through my notes for the class when I felt a light tap in between my shoulder blades. I turned back, he was looking at me with those sharp eyes of his and I remember feeling my heart completely stopping at the sight. Up to that day, I still hope that I didn’t blush too hard when his lips curved into a smile for me.
He asked me for a pen, I gave him one and answered “no problem” when he thanked me.
I never saw this pen again actually. Sometimes I still wonder if he kept it or threw it away. It was five years ago so, I’m pretty sure he got rid of it by now but still… I like to imagine that he kept it for a long time.
Every time he would speak to me, I remember how I felt like my heart would explode. The rush of the heat on my face, and the loud beating of blood against my eardrums as his voice only triggered my nervous system, making me feel like I was made of jelly. I always felt so giddy, that I couldn’t bring myself to speak with him much longer. Missed opportunities probably, since because of my shyness our interaction remained as small greetings during math class and sometimes, him asking for stuff like a ruler, a sheet of paper or what I wrote for the second question of the last problem from our exercise book.
However, no matter how short these interactions were, they felt so precious for teen-me. And every time he would call for me from his seat, or our eyes would meet across the classroom, I thought to myself “mmh maybe he appreciates me just a bit.” And it never missed to bring a smile to my face, lighting up my whole day.
I don’t even know if he knew my name.
Him and I, by a twist of fate, have been in the same classes for the three years of our High School. It might have been a sign from the sky, pushing me to finally confess my feelings by the end of the third year, thing that I obviously didn’t do, but despite not acting on it, I still felt grateful for whatever this was. It felt like a gift to me, to just be in the same class than him, being blessed by his blissful presence for the three years we spent at the same school.
Man, I must sound really pathetic there. It wasn’t like that I promise. But as someone who had a crush and was resolved to not do anything about it, just being in the same class as him for that much time really was a blessing. It was a one-sided crush that was self-sufficient. I didn’t need to do anything about it, it fed itself with the small interactions we had, and I was more than happy to live with that.
Now that I’m older I probably regret a bit not taking those chances.
Of course, since I recall with profound endearment my High School years, I would tell you that I wouldn’t change anything at all if I had the opportunity to go back. Because I wouldn’t risk losing those memories. But maybe, I could have been more daring. I could have tried to speak with him more when he was trying to engage in the conversation. I am pretty sure he knew damn well what the answer to that question from our exercise book was. Younghyun was good at math.
But I didn’t, and all I have now is some bittersweetness lingering when I think back on it. It never lasts long, but sometimes, I regret it a bit.
***
“One Iced Americano please.”
It’s not my style to zone out at work. Especially since I work at such a busy place. It’s part-time, to pay for my tuition at Uni, I am already a busy person. We are usually rather active, having to take the orders and serving the people, making the café live. The mornings and late afternoons are mostly our busiest moments of the day, quite the worst timing to zone out and think about an old High School love.
“Sure, said the angelic voice of my coworker Joshua, what name?
-Kang Younghyun please.
-Alright Kang Younghyun-ssi, one AA!”
He had announced it for me, who was in charge of preparing the drinks for this round. And despite having heard the words, I remained completely frozen on the spot, my eyes wide opened as I took in the information.
It was unmistakably him, the same Kang Younghyun I knew five years ago, that I spent High School with, and who left Korea right after graduating to go study in Canada.
It was him no doubt. His voice had grown but it still sounded familiar, as the same captivating ring that he already had back in the days seeped in my brain. His face too had changed, but his eyes remained the same, sharper, but still lit up with that communicative warmth I knew.
He had changed a lot, grown a lot, but at the same time, he hadn’t at all, and I was thrown back five years ago in front of that same guy who was asking for a pen in math class.
Maybe, just maybe, I hadn’t really grown out of this crush like I thought I did.
My heartbeat sped up, but when his gaze fell on me, I didn’t look away like I used to do. He smiled politely, making his face light up. It’s the last thing I saw before Joshua came in taking all the space in my field of vision. He looked worried.
“What are you doing?”
His voice was hushed, whispering sharply.
“Are you okay?”
Shaking my head, I nodded.
“Yeah.”
He looked doubtful, but finally let go of my forearm when I started moving toward the coffee machine, squeezing lightly the cup with the three syllables written on them in Joshua’s perfect handwriting. My hands were trembling as I filled it with ice, then coffee.
It was a very funny situation, having all these familiar feelings surge inside. It was so unexpected, and it had been such a long time that it almost felt new. It probably was stupid, this crush dated from High School, and people tend to change. I knew these feelings were more from a high school girl to the boy at the back of her class than from the university student barista to the man sitting at the table near the window. But they still were real, and they were kind of overwhelming.
Since Iced Americano is far from being the most difficult order ever, I was quick to finish preparing it, despite my troubled state. I put the cup back on the counter for Joshua to take care of giving it back to the client since he was in charge of the front that day, and tried to go back to the kitchen to hide myself. Habits die hard and I wasn’t ready to face my old crush and first love just yet. It meant too much.
But Joshua, who was absolutely not aware of anything, was too quick for me, and I didn’t have the time to secure myself out of sight that he had already called him. It felt so odd to hear about Kang Younghyun again.
Just like previously, I remained frozen on the spot, next to the huge coffee machine. And I couldn’t help but look up at him.
He was still so beautiful. I was left completely awestruck in front of his neatly defined features. His eyes shut a tad as he politely smiled, taking back his order, and reaching out to pay. He had such a pretty smile. He always had but rediscovering it today felt like an entire new experience, and I could feel myself falling all over again.
Younghyun looked up once he finished paying and our eyes met once more. Heat rose on my face as I stared back, fully immersed in the various feelings that were gently radiating from his eyes. Curiosity, politeness, kindness, warmth, I never wanted to look away.
When he spoke again, I knew it was at me.
“You seem oddly familiar. Do we know each other?”
His tone was respectful but friendly, as a timid smile appeared on his lips. He was patiently waiting for me to answer.
I noticed Joshua slowly moving away from us. Then I felt his hand slowly guiding me closer to the counter, since I hadn’t taken the clue to move by myself.
It had been a while since I had been so close to Kang Younghyun.
“I… We…”
Surprise was getting the better of me, and I had difficulties finding my words in the puddle of my thoughts.
“I think we were in High School together.”
The voice that came out of my mouth could have embarrassed me by how weak and stupid it sounded, if I hadn’t been too busy trying not to drown in his warmth. He was close.
Younghyun’s face tensed up a bit as he was trying to remember. And then his eyes shone again.
“Yes! You were in front of me in math, right? You gave me a pen!”
The high schooler that I was would have been ecstatic to know that her crush still remembered her five years after. The current me didn’t know if she should just combust right away, or wait for him to leave before doing so.
I couldn’t rejoice at the fact that he remembered me because the warmth in my chest was getting out of hand, not that it was something that could be controlled in the first place, but still.
“Yeah, I think.”
I didn’t think, I knew. It was certain.
“What a small world.”
He laughed and the warmth he had provoked in my chest grew yet again.
“It’s great to see you! I came back recently. I would love it if we could hang out sometimes, to talk about old times. Are you still in contact with other people? A reunion would be fun.”
It was a lot to take in, in a small amount of time. My heart kept on stopping as I heard he found it great to see me again and that we should hang out sometimes.
I hated to be the bearer of bad news.
“I… I don’t really.”
I didn’t have a lot of friends in High School, I mostly stayed with my little group, living our lives without really mingling with the others. I didn’t stay in touch with a lot of people.
“I don’t know where the others are, sorry.”
I swore I heard Joshua sighed at me. Poor guy, it must be a pathetic show to watch. I was just going on, embarrassing myself with each passing minute. Maybe that was the reason why I never spoke long with Younghyun, because I physically couldn’t.
“It’s fine.”
He beamed at me and I would have melted on spot if the laws of physics hadn’t been so strict.
“I found you, that's already a great start.”
I tried to smile, as both a thanks and a visual sign that I had heard him, but all I could think about was my heart beating like crazy in my ribcage. It seemed so loud I was afraid he could hear it all.
“When are you available? I wouldn’t miss my chance.”
At this point, it was the last straw. There was nothing I could do anymore; my brain had completely melted from the heat on my cheeks. There was no way I could answer to him, when he was looking at me with those eyes, and smiling at me like that.
“I… I…
-She finishes her service at 4.”
Joshua had stepped in, his towel on the shoulder, trying to sound casual. I knew he was smiling inside; he wasn’t fooling me.
I actually didn’t finish my service at four, but when I looked back at him, he just nodded slightly, as if we were sharing a secret.
“Great, I’ll come by then, if that’s okay with you.
-I mean… I…
-Yeah, that’s completely fine, her schedule is empty, right?”
Younghyun looked at Joshua, who was speaking a bit too much to my liking before looking back at me, to see if I was confirming. I nodded slowly.
“Sure then. I hope you’ll show me around a bit. Seoul has changed a lot since I last came, I’m completely lost.”
He chuckled again, and I once again nodded shyly. That was the most I could do.
He moved after a long minute of utter silence, during which I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It was embarrassing, but he didn’t seem to mind much. Younghyun ended up waving back sheepishly before exiting the café, his drink untouched in his cup.
As he left, it felt like he took away all the warmth with him, leaving me in the cold with a fast-beating heart. After another moment of silence, I took a huge breath.
“Okay what was that?”
Joshua was staring at me, a teasing smile on his lips.
Now that Younghyun was out of sight, I felt back in my shoes. My heart was still pounding, and my cheeks still felt like they were burning, but I had regained a bit of self-control.
“An old classmate.”
I turned my back to him pretending to clean the machine I barely used. It was an excuse to prevent him from having access to my very expressive face. I have known Joshua for two years, since we started working together here. We were friends, he could read me too easily.
“Sure yeah.”
The bell rang and customers started distracting the both of us from the topic. But I could still feel Joshua’s gaze on me sometimes during the afternoon, when things were calmer. He wanted me to speak first, which I never did. So, all he could do was stare. Luckily for me, I have always been super good at pretending not to see when people stare at me.
I almost lost it when Younghyun’s silhouette appeared again, behind the large windows of our shop. Four pm. For some reason I became anxious.
“You owe me for that one.”
Originally, Joshua was the one who ended his service at 4 today. He gave it up for me.
To avoid getting sweaty palms, and stop them from trembling, I wiped them on my apron.
“You really didn’t have to.”
That was true, the more I looked at Younghyun who was waiting for me outside of the café, the more I felt like it was a bad idea.
Joshua chuckled slightly but gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. He then leaned against the counter and watched me maneuver around it to reach the staff room with shining eyes and a knowing smile. He looked proud somehow.
He came to meet me when I exited the staff room after changing, casually walking toward me as if he was going to clean one of the tables. As I passed by his side, he whispered playfully:
“Try not to make your crush so obvious, and have fun.”
I glared at him, already feeling my cheeks heat up. Now he was teasing me, talk about a friend! He only winked back and resumed to his task completely ignoring my poor desperate state.
I decided to let go, because I definitely had other things to think about, and walked with unsure steps, toward the entrance. Now all I had to do was cross the door and meet up with my past love. I certainly wasn’t ready for that.
With a trembling heart, I walked out.
Younghyun welcomed me with a huge smile, engulfing my soul into a warm ethereal embrace. I felt the inside of my chest slowly grow warmer and warmer, butterflies blooming one after the other in my ribcage.
Slowly we started walking. I don’t remember much about what happened, let’s be honest. I was in some kind of lovestruck daze. He talked a lot and I listened with blushing cheeks. It was cozy and fun, and made my heart skip a lot. We walked around the streets aimlessly. As per his request I showed him my campus, my favorite café, my favorite restaurant, he insisted on treating me at a street food stall to which I could only say yes because I was too busy trying to shush my heart to do anything else.
In the end, we didn’t really speak about High School. He talked to me about Canada, and why he came back, and he asked about my studies, about what I liked to do and told me how I definitely should take him to that aquarium that opened recently that I already had visited last week. I said yes to everything, and answered as best as I could, he wasn’t getting easy on me, smiling widely as he attentively listened to every word I said.
When it got darker, he waited for the bus with me. And then we parted ways after he insisted on exchanging numbers, so that we could meet again.
I won’t lie, this had been very exciting, it took me a long time to descend from my little cloud once I was back alone in my room. The smile never left my face. I wonder what my teen self would say if she had seen me today.
When I was in High School, I had a crush on a guy named Kang Younghyun, it turns out that I still do, five years later.
Oh and, he actually remembered my name.