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Darkness swirled around Lumine like a whirlwind. The inky blackness felt solid. Like she could reach out and touch it. But when she did, it wrapped itself around her wrists, and her ankles, holding her in place.
She couldn’t move
She felt a scream building in her throat, but the darkness covered her mouth and kept her silent.
Help me
She struggled against the darkness, but it pressed in on her from all sides. A buzzing sound rose in her ears, slowly becoming louder and louder until it drowned out everything. The noise filled her brain, clouding out all other thoughts. It was so loud.
too loud too loud too loud TOO LOUD
She tried to reach up to cover her ears, but her hands were still restrained. But the ropes of darkness burned. They cut into her wrists and scorched her skin, making her futile resistance absolute agony.
She forced her eyes open, searching desperately for an escape, a savior, for a metaphorical lifeboat. For anything to hold on to.
“Sister”
A familiar voice cut through the incessant buzzing sound like a hot knife through butter. A light flickered dimly and then expanded, glowing blindingly bright and molding into the shape of a living being.
A living being that was slowly approaching her.
Lumine strained against the darkness binding her, reaching out for her brother.
“Aether!” His name tore itself from her throat, hope shining like sun rays through the layers of pain in her voice. She tried her best to reach out to him. The tears she hid during the day now flowing freely. The salty water scalded her cheeks like acid, almost like the tiny droplets were punishing her for this rare moment of desperation and vulnerability.
Aether was walking towards her. It seemed like he was moving impossibly slow. Like time itself was moving impossibly slow. If he could just get a little closer he could free her from the dark chains that held her and they could go home together. Home to whatever world would come next. Because as much as she loved Teyvat and its people, she was so fucking sick of being hurt, used, and forced to carry the burden of every nation and archon she had the misfortune to stumble across.
Aether was mere inches away.
He was almost there.
She was almost free.
“Lumine.”
She stopped pulling against her bindings for a moment when she heard him say her name. It was the same as when they had reunited for that brief moment all that time ago. He said her name with no emotion, like it was a simple statement instead of the title only he could call her by, because he was the only one who knew it. She had kept her name hidden from the humans of this world because she didn’t want them to know it. Because for so long they had been “Aether and Lumine,” siblings, twins, souls never separated.
Aether and Lumine
Aether and Lumine
She didn’t want to be just Lumine. She wasn’t ready to be thought of as “Just Lumine”. Because that made it feel like the whole that she and Aether made up was permanently fractured, forever missing a half. If people knew her name she would just be Lumine, and Lumine alone.
If people knew her name things would go from:
“Aether and Lumine, travelers of worlds”
To:
“Lumine, traveler of Teyvat.”
And while the latter of the two was her current reality, and the former was in the long distant past, internalizing that fact was too painful for her to bear.
Aether was right in front of her now, so she thrashed against the ropes holding her. Her wrists had started to bleed and the skin on her arms had been charred black but she didn’t care.
Aether extended his hand to her, if only she could just reach it…
The darkness tugged at her, wrapping itself around her limbs and pulling her back. Cutting and burning her. Biting into her skin and causing blood to trail down her body, staining her white dress a dark red. Aether’s hand was just out of her reach. She pulled as hard as her strained muscles would allow. One of her arms broke free, the skin tearing almost clean off. Tidal waves of agony crashed over her. Blood was pouring off of her like waterfalls. She clasped Aether’s hand. His fingers were cold and dead, his body wasn’t moving. He wasn’t breathing. The dark chains released her, tearing away at her skin as they swiftly retracted. It hurt too much, she was covered in blood. She fell into Aether’s arms, her bones felt shattered and it was like all of her muscles had torn. She couldn’t hold herself up anymore. But Aether couldn’t catch her, because he too was bleeding and weak. The blood was trickling, no, gushing from his eyes and his ears. He was crying blood, and real tears too. And so was she. And he was suddenly slipping away from her, and her throat was filled with blood, and it poured from her lips and she drowned in it. Her lungs filled with the warm, sticky red liquid. She couldn’t breathe, she was drowning in a bloody ocean with no surface to break through, nowhere to come up for air. She sank, but it felt more like she was falling. Her senses were flooded with pain, she couldn’t see, the buzzing in her ears had gotten so loud she was sure she would go deaf, she choked and coughed when she tried to scream for help, and her sense of smell was filled with the scent of smoke and fire. She was falling and drowning and dying and there was no way for her to escape. Aether was dead, and she soon would be too. At the very least, they would be together again.
“Lumine”
She was almost dead now, just a little longer and it would all be over.
“Lumine”
“Lumine”
Something was wrong with Aether’s voice as it called out to her, it didn’t sound like him at all.
“Traveler!”
Traveler? No that wasn’t right, her name was-
Lumine bolted awake. She was drenched in a cold sweat, and her body shook as she gasped for breath. Her lungs screamed for air and her vision swam. Her eyes filled with tears and her head spun.
“What- what’s going on?!? Where am I?!”
She couldn’t think straight, her head was clouded with blurry thoughts of blood and a dying Aether.
“Traveler. Please try to breathe.”
The voice that had woken her up before was back. She glanced around wildly, jolting in fear and surprise. Someone’s hand was on her shoulder. Their touch was gentle and comforting. Her vision still wasn’t back to normal, and she couldn’t see who it was that had come to her aid. But whoever it was, she trusted them. She was lying in a bed somewhere, that much was obvious. But she didn’t know anything else.
“Easy, take some deep breaths.”
Lumine did as she was told, slowly gaining control over her own airflow once more. Slowly, the world around her began to shift back into focus.
Now that she was more aware of her surroundings, she realized how badly everything hurt. Her body was racked with pain. She also noticed that her dress was gone, and that she had been changed into what was most likely a hospital gown of some sort. The fabric was soft, but the comfortable feeling of it was immediately overshadowed by the aching sensation that overwhelmed her whole body.
She looked up, trying to confirm the identity of the mystery figure now that she had her normal sight back. The face of a familiar green-haired man made its way into her line of sight.
“Doctor Baizhu?” She was confused, through her still-hazy mind she realized that last she remembered, she was nowhere near Bubu Pharmacy.
He smiled at her. “How are you feeling, Traveler?”
She tilted her head at him. “What’s going on?” Frustratingly enough, she couldn’t get her voice to be much louder than a whisper. Her throat was painfully dry, she felt like she needed to eat (drink?) a hydro slime to make it feel better.
“Here.” Baizhu handed her a glass of water, she reached out to take it but was unable to lift her arm to it.
Her wrist had been tied to the bed. Talking hurt too much, so she hoped Baizhu could understand the questions in her eyes.
“So sorry,” he said, getting to work on untying her.
“You were having some pretty nasty nightmares and kept thrashing around, I didn’t want you to fall out of bed. That would have done far more harm than good I’m afraid.”
Once her hands were free, she snatched the glass of water from him and downed the whole thing in a matter of seconds.
“Careful, don’t make yourself sick,” Baizhu said gently, his hand still on her shoulder. She was shaking, if he let go she would probably collapse back onto the pillows. Baizhu took the cup from her once she was done and set it down on a small table beside her bed.
“You screamed yourself hoarse.” He remarked. The lighthearted tone he used to accompany that statement confused her.
“What’s…happening?” She asked, swiftly regaining her normal tone of voice. She squinted, there was a window set in a nearby wall and the sunlight that streamed in through it was giving her a headache.
“You’re at Bubu Pharmacy, you’re safe,” He said. It wasn’t much of an answer, but hearing it flooded Lumine’s body with relief.
“What happened? Why does everything hurt?” She attempted to sit up fully, but her body trembled and her arms gave out. Baizhu helped her settle herself comfortably onto the pillows.
“I’ll explain everything in a minute, please relax,”
His tone was full of warmth and reassurance.
“You’ll be fine. Just try to stay calm.”
She didn’t feel like she would be fine, but her friend sounded fully confident in her. Baizhu’s positive attitude must have been contagious because she managed a small smile that she wouldn’t have pulled off otherwise.
Lumine looked down and realized that her torso and arms were covered in bandages. Suddenly all the pain made sense. The wrappings had all been bled through in multiple places.
“Where did these cuts come from?” She asked. She tried to keep the panic out of her voice. She didn’t remember sustaining these injuries.
“You had a nasty run-in with a ruin hunter,” Baizhu said.
“I did?” She sounded surprised, “Why don’t I remember?”
“It’s nothing to worry about. The painkillers I gave you left your head a little fuzzy, you’ll remember soon enough.” He assured her.
She rubbed her eyes sleepily, “How bad were my wounds?”
Baizhu sighed, his worried expression set Lumine on edge.
“You had lost a considerable amount of blood by the time Paimon dragged you here. You likely would have died if you had been out in the wild any longer. Unfortunately, Qiqi was out on an errand in the mountains and there wasn’t time for us to wait for her to come and heal you.” He explained. “The procedures necessary to save your life would have been far too cruel to subject you to without the use of painkillers, unfortunately, said painkillers induced nightmares and temporary amnesia you have experienced. I am deeply sorry about these unpleasant yet unavoidable side effects.” His tone was filled with nothing but sincerity.
Lumine sighed, when Baizhu had mentioned her screaming he must have been talking about when she was asleep. She was no stranger to nightmares but she had never had one that bad before. She refused to let the horrors her drugged mind had shown her sink in, at least not yet. The last thing she wanted was to break down in front of Baizhu after he had already seen her at one of her lower points.
“Right…” she said.
Something was missing.
Wait a second
“Where’s Paimon?!” She jolted in fear. If something has happened to the little pixie while Lumine was unconscious, she would never forgive herself. She could feel the pressure building up behind her eyes. What if she had been hurt by the ruin hunter?
“There’s no need to worry,” Baizhu assured her.
“She was causing a bit of a commotion, so I had to send her away. Qiqi informed me that she is currently waiting outside.”
She felt a wave of relief crash over her. Paimon was alive. She should have realized that Baizhu would have kicked her little companion out of the pharmacy. Paimon could be very disruptive when she was upset.
Still, the pressure behind her eyes hadn’t gone away.
Lumine still had a million more questions she wanted to ask Baizhu but for now…
“Can I see her, please?”
“Hm?”
“I want to talk to Paimon.”
I need to talk to Paimon
It was Lumine’s turn to feel the crushing separation anxiety Paimon always displayed whenever the two were apart.
Baizhu nodded, turning to leave.
“Of course, I’ll go get her. Let me know if you need anything.”
As soon as the door had been shut, Lumine started to sob.
Finally alone, her mind not occupied with conversation, the things seen in her nightmares hit her at full force.
She sat there, hugging her knees to her chest and burying her face in her hands.
There were so many unknowns in her life, made real by the drugged visions.
She waited in the crushing silence for Paimon’s welcome clatter and rowdiness.
A minute passed.
Then another.
And another.
And another.
Fear rose in her throat, clogging up her airways.
What if…?
“TRAVELER!” Paimon screamed, pushing open the door with force someone her size shouldn’t have been able to muster.
“Oh. My. ARCHONS. Paimon was so scared!” The tiny fairy chattered.
“You were bleeding so much! Paimon had to drag you here but she was so scared about opening up your wounds more! A-and when Baizhu started trying to heal you- oh it looked like it hurt so much- you were crying and screaming and you even scared Changsheng! And you were in so much pain, Paimon got startled and knocked over some medicine bottles and Baizhu kicked her out! There was so much blood and there were so many scary-looking medical tools! And- and-”
Paimon stopped her nervous rambling and gasped.
“Why are you crying?!” she floated over to Lumine. “Are you in pain? Do you need something? Baizhu told Paimon that the painkillers might give you nightmares! Is that what this is?”
Lumine watched her friend float around in front of her, bobbing up and down in the air nervously, her expression poorly concealing her rising panic.
“Paimon…” Lumine’s voice was barely above a whisper,
“Hm? Yes? Do you need anything?! What is it?”
“Come here.” She grabbed her tiny friend and pulled her into a hug, a fresh wave of tears washing over her. She held Paimon as tightly as she could without hurting her.
Paimon did her best to wrap her tiny arms around the traveler, grabbing the back of her shirt in her hands.
Mere seconds later, Paimon was crying too. The two friends dissolved in a sniveling mess of tears. Holding onto Paimon was more than a little uncomfortable for Lumine, as her weight pressed painfully down on her injuries. But she couldn’t bring herself to care, and clung to her friend like she was the lifeboat she had been desperately seeking in her nightmares earlier.
“I’m sorry,” Lumine whispered, wiping away her tears with the palm of her hand.“I just really need this right now.”
“It’s fine!” Paimon assured her, pulling out of the embrace so she could look the traveler in the eyes. “Paimon is just really glad that you’re okay.”
Lumine managed a dry chuckle, “I don’t think ‘okay’ is really the right word for this moment.”
Paimon looked hurt, “this isn’t funny! You’re hurt! Are you sure there’s nothing Paimon can do to help? Anything at all?” Paimon’s fierce protectiveness warmed the traveler’s heart.
“I’m just glad you’re here now.” She said, but her words did little to ease the worry on the fairy’s face.
“But- you never told me why you were crying.”
Lumine debated on whether she should respond honestly or not, for some reason, some part of her didn’t want to tell Paimon about her nightmares. She knew she was being unreasonable so she swallowed her pride.
“I had a nightmare about Aether. It felt so real, I’ve had plenty of nightmares before but never one like this.”
“Are you okay with telling Paimon about it?”
Her companion’s voice was full of sincerity. It didn’t have the subtle annoyance of someone who didn’t truly want to hear what she was thinking. Paimon wasn’t going to play therapist because she felt obligated to, she was doing it because she cared.
So Lumine finally dropped her guard, and told her friend everything.
About the dark ropes, the pool of blood, Aether’s corpse, the relentless, crushing, all-consuming noise. She told Paimon about watching her own skin slowly peel off and her skin char from the suffocating, agonizing heat, about feeling everything and yet nothing at all.
Words cascaded out of her like waterfalls and when she was done talking she had to stop and catch her breath.
There was a stretched-out moment of silence that made Lumine wonder if she scared Paimon away.
Idiot
She scolded herself in her head.
Why did I tell her?
Now my only real friend will think less of me.
Now she’ll know how pathetic and desperate I am.
Now she’ll know that I’m a coward.
That I’m not as brave as everything thinks I am.
That the hero of Teyvat is really just a scared little girl.
That she’s just a child who wants to go home.
Did she even have a home anymore?
Lumine could feel the tears pooling in her eyes. She grabbed the pillow from behind her and buried her face in it, muffling the fresh waves of sobs. Things didn’t feel real, the colors in the room were painfully oversaturated and the lights were way way way too bright. She felt like she was floating, hovering before a window that she was watching the world through. Her breathing started to speed up, her heart pounding in her chest. Was she even the one breathing? Was her heart the one banging around inside of the hollow shell her mind tried to stay anchored to? Was this body even hers?
It sure as hell didn’t feel like it.
Someone put their hand on her shoulder and she - no, the body she was trapped inside of- flinched away from that person’s hand. There was someone else in the room with her? Where was she even? There was a high-pitched ringing in her ears, but someone’s voice was trying to cut through it. They sounded muffled and far away like they were shouting to her from across a long distance. There was a dull ache resounding through the body she supposed her drifting mind belonged to, but as she tried to claw her way closer to reality that pain got worse and worse.
She could just make out the voice through the persistent ringing. The sound seemed to worm its way inside her skull. The person got a little closer to her, sitting down next to her and gently rubbing slow circles on her back. Instead of pulling away, she leaned into their touch, thankful to have something to help ground her. The walls around her slipped and slid away, like the sand dunes of Sumeru. Glassy visions that fell away like icicles, shining and shimmering and twisting away from her. She felt like she was falling, the floor was tilting.
“You’re here, you’re safe,” the person who had their hand on her shoulder was speaking to her.
Say it.
Please, please say it.
“You are real.”
She was real.
Slowly things slid back into focus and the icicle shards reassembled, slowly but surely losing the glossy sheen of her derealization as things slowly faded back into focus. The person who had helped her regain her place in reality was Baizhu, she realized. Her brain tried to piece together what had just happened, it tried to figure out what that horrible feeling was.
Paimon was still hovering in front of her, looking incredibly nervous.
The silence was so thick Lumine would be able to slice through it with her sword.
“Are you fully present?” Baizhu asked her, keeping his hand on her arm as an anchor to reality.
She managed a small nod, her body felt numb and cold.
“You are safe, you are here, and you are real,” he assured her, and she played the mantra over and over again in her head.
She was safe, she was here, she was real
Her hands gripped the blanket, the softness of it helping her regain feeling in her body as well as her mind.
Paimon drifted closer to her and hugged her arm, the warmth of her dear friend’s presence being all the traveler needed to finish her mental transition back to the real world.
“Thank you,” she muttered, her voice quiet. Like she almost didn’t want to be heard.
“You’ve been through a lot for one day, you are in great pain, both your body and your mind will need time to heal and right now the best thing you can do to make that happen is to rest,” his voice was gentle.
“I don’t want to sleep,” she protested, sleep would undoubtedly bring her more nightmares.
That was the last thing she wanted right now.
Still, she couldn’t deny how exhausted she was. Her earlier sleep had clearly brought her no real rest.
“Don’t worry about having nightmares! Paimon will protect you.” the pixie assured her. The remark earned a small chuckle from Baizhu. Lumine smiled at Paimon’s confidence in her abilities to protect the traveler from her inner demons.
“Wait- Baizhu you weren’t here before- where did you come from?” Lumine asked, clearly remembering when Baizhu hadn’t returned after going to get Paimon.
“Your little floating friend here told me you had stopped responding when she spoke to you, something was obviously wrong and I needed to make sure it was nothing serious,” he replied.
“It didn’t feel like ‘nothing serious’” she mumbled, which caused the green-haired doctor to laugh a little bit. “What I meant was that I needed to make sure your physical health wasn’t in any sort of new danger, it’s perfectly understandable that you aren’t at the best place mentally right now.”
He cleared his throat before continuing.
“What you just experienced was most likely a dissociative episode, that feeling of detachment from your body and the world around you was your brain’s attempt at protecting you from the pressures of the moment.” His calm tone was immediately contrasted by Paimon’s shouting.
“You’re telling Paimon that whatever the heck just happened to her was her brain trying to ‘PROTECT HER?!’ She didn’t seem very protected!”
Paimon looked absolutely furious, like this was simply the most outrageous thing she had ever heard in her life.
“Please calm down little one, I didn’t say it was a good thing, no, I was just explaining the facts. Disassociation is a common symptom of anxiety, which makes sense considering how much stress the traveler here faces on a daily basis.”
He gave Lumine a knowing look and she shrank back against the pillows. Baizhu wasn’t the first person to tell her that she was overdoing it. Her more empathetic friends were always urging her to take some time off. If only they could understand that if she waited for too long between adventures, her anxiety worsened and she’d grow painfully restless.
She recalled Nahida’s words from her last visit to the tiny archon’s abode.
“I know how eager you are to continue your search for your brother, but the road back to him will be treacherous and there are many long battles still to be fought. You’ll lose all those battles if you are too tired to stand. The odds will not be in your favor if your mind is too full of worry for the future to focus on the present. In order to succeed you must rest. No warrior from the past survived a fight they didn’t prepare themselves for. Please rest, everything will feel better if you do.”
She had deteriorated so much that even the gods were telling her off for her shitty self-care skills.
“You’ve faced a lot of pain today, you’ll be in a better headspace if you let yourself sleep. It would be best if you could find someone reliable to talk to about the anxiety you’ve been feeling but all that can wait until you’re fully healed.”
Sleep did sound nice, maybe having Paimon by her side actually would help Lumine rest peacefully.
“Alright, I get it, I’ll sleep.” She said, there was no malice in her words, just exhaustion.
“Then I’ll leave you two be, sweet dreams my friend, and make sure you let me know if you need anything,” Baizhu said as he got up to leave, quietly shutting the door behind him.
There was a brief moment of stillness, where the only sound that could be heard was the familiar soft warbling that often came with Paimon’s presence.
It was by no means an awkward silence, it was warm and safe. It was a polite silence, like Paimon was waiting for Lumine to speak first like she was scared that she could bring the traveler more hurt by breaking the silence. Lumine picked up on this quickly, so she spoke first.
“I’m sorry Paimon, I’ve let you down.”
A pause.
“NO! NO YOU HAVEN’T! YOU COULD NEVER LET DOWN PAIMON!”
Lumine jumped, taken aback by the yelling, and winced when her injuries tugged painfully from her movement.
“But-”
Paimon interrupted her with more shouting.
“You got hurt! You got scared! It’s okay, it happens to everyone. You are Paimon’s best friend and you could never ever do anything to let her down! You are so important to Paimon and she’ll be with you through everything, no matter how scary!”
The pixie took a second to catch her breath.
“Look,” she continued, “It’s okay to not feel happy all the time, it’s okay to need help and to need rest and it’s also okay to admit that. Paimon will always be by your side, no matter what. In fact, Paimon would actually prefer it if you told her more about your feelings, Paimon thinks that could help us both!”
Those words seem to strike a chord with Lumine, she felt like someone had stabbed a knife right through her heart, and twisted the blade. It hurt, guilt rattled around in her chest. Paimon was right, she was too closed off. She was hiding her true feelings and it wasn’t just hurting her, it was hurting the people she loved.
“I promise I’ll try to do better,” she pulled Paimon into another hug, “I’ll ask for help when I need it, I’ll tell you how I feel, I’ll stop hiding so much.”
Paimon did her best to hug Lumine back.
“Paimon understands. Paimon will try and check in with you more to see how you’re feeling, and Paimon swears she’ll always be with you. She’ll see things through, when you see your brother again, Paimon will be right by your side!”
She took a breath, hugging Paimon even tighter.
“Thank you, Paimon. You really are the best friend I could have asked for. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t get to have you with me through all of this.”
Paimon buried her head in Lumine’s shoulder, closing her eyes.
“Get some rest, okay traveler?”
“Okay Paimon.”
Lumine expected Paimon to go and vanish into whatever void she often went to when the traveler fought. Instead, the tiny fairy still clutched her arm.
“Paimon, what are you doing?” She asked.
“I’m sleeping with you tonight, I think it would be better if you weren’t alone.”
Those words warmed Lumine’s heart, and she held Paimon a little closer and she snuggled down onto the pillows. She could feel a little safer as long as her best friend was here. For what was probably the first time ever, the weightlessness Paimon commanded was released, and she fell onto the bed right next to Lumine. Her companion’s tiny hand wrapped around the traveler’s wrist as she curled up against her.
“Good night, Paimon.”
“Good night, Lumine.”
She gave a teary smile as the name fell from the tiny friend’s lips. Paimon only knew her true name because she had heard Aether say it during their agonizingly brief reunion. Paimon was one of the few people in Teyvat who knew that name. Such a personal thing in the mind of another felt weird. But maybe that was okay.
Maybe even though Aether and Lumine were gone, she didn’t have to be Just Lumine
Maybe Paimon and Lumine could exist as well.
Yeah, that would be okay.
And maybe Paimon and Lumine didn’t have to replace Aether and Lumine.
Maybe the two could exist side-by-side.
She could have both Aether and Lumine and Paimon and Lumine.
And in her dream future, they could all become one.
Aether and Paimon and Lumine
Existing together, the people she cared about more than the rest of the world.
Yeah.
That would be nice.
And with those thoughts, Lumine slept peacefully the rest of the night, Paimon curled into her arms.
It was okay.
She would be okay.