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Sakusa and Atsumu had been going out.
For some time now. In everyone's eyes Atsumu was the perfect guy to date, thinking logically he was everything Sakusa had ever wanted in a partner.
But it wasn't enough.
"Please, please, i just want to like him back" he cried out in the dark of his room one night.
Was he preying? Or perhaps wishing, it didn't make a difference, he just wanted things to change, he wanted to like Atsumu in the truest way possible.
"He is a good guy, I feel so at ease knowing someone like him could take care of you in the future" His mom had told him another night when he had sought anyone's advice.
She wasn't trying to get on his head, but her inability to understand the situation had only made it worse.
~~~
He knew.
Atsumu is the perfect guy. He was the only person to understand him, and to be patient with him, even if sometimes he was a bit of a jerk he was always there, to help him, to understand him, to hear him.
Why can't I like him back?.
"Perhaps you don't like men?" Komori suggested.
But he knew it wasn't that, he had liked men before, his old capitan and Wakatoshi for a while.
Why not Atsumu then?
~~~
Sakusa and Atsumu had been going out.
For almost a year now, and Sakusa still couldn't like him back.
"What's the matter?" He asked Atsumu who looked a bit annoyed.
"Nothing, is just…" he took a deep breath "today Rin told me he is glad for you, to have met someone like me" he looked away with his fist thighten.
"Oh…" he pushed out while thinking "well, he is right" he said smiling "i mean, who else would put up with someone like me?" He laughed, repeating what he had said to himself lots of times before.
"No, but that annoys me a great lot" he turned to him with big sad and worried eyes "they don't understand how much you had helped me, how glad i am to have known you".
He looked away again, scrunching his nose and blinking fast, he was trying not to cry.
"I haven't, thought," he said under his breath, barely audible for Atsumu to hear "I haven't helped you at all, you give me everything and you get nothing back".
"Omi, i know you don't like me back" he said calmly "so you letting me stay by your side, is more than what I could ask for" he smiled extending his hand as asking if he could touch him. Kiyoomi extended his hand as well, resting it on Atsumu's palm trying not to show any discomfort.
"Please, please…" he pleaded hopelessly that night and the following nights "Atsumu is the perfect guy" he cried.
~~~~
Sakusa and Atsumu had been going out.
For almost two years now. Sakusa didn't know if Atsumu had turned down other prospectors in this time, but he was almost certain he had.
Atsumu dedicated every moment to Sakusa. When would he have time to go out with someone else?, To find someone who could loved him as he deserved.
But he didn't worry anymore about not liking him, he could feel nothing but sorry for Atsumu.
"You are like a dog" he said trying to contain himself, his angry mind was speaking without permission "i could treat you like shit, and you'll still be happy if i gave you a treat i stepped on" he hit his leg trying to shut himself up, trying to remind himself this wasn't what he really thought, he suck his lip, trying to take deep breaths through his nose, he was trying to keep the tears from coming down.
"Yes, i'll be grateful even for the littlest thing you give me" Atsumu shoot back "if that makes me a dog in your eyes then so be it" he said with bright red eyes, holding tears with all his might "as long as you let me, i'll stay with you, and I'll be grateful, and happy, and whatever you give me would be enough, get that through your thick head, Kiyoomi" he walked out, as to not push Kiyoomi and let him calm down.
~~~
Sakusa and Atsumu had been going out.
For almost three years now. Sakusa felt safe with Atsumu, he had felt safe with him ever since the start.
But it wasn't enough.
So many of his first times had been with Atsumu, his first kiss, first drink, first concert, first job, first time.
And still, it wasn't enough.
He had tried so many times, he told himself maybe he didn't understand what liking someone felt like. But he was sure, he couldn't see Atsumu as a romantic partner. But he had let this go too far.
"I hate it, i hate it, i hate it" he threw pillows, clothes, everything in his room he could get his hands on, eventually he started hitting his head while crying in an useless attempt to stop whichever thought passed through his mind.
He hated the thought of being with Atsumu in a pretend relationship the rest of his life, he hated the feeling of being bound with him forever.
But he also hated the thought of being alone.
Suna was right years ago, he was lucky to have met Atsumu.
~~~~
Sakusa and Atsumu used to go out.
But things were different.
"I'm sorry" Sakusa cried on Atsumu's chest "I've really tried, all I always wanted was to be happy to be with you, cause I know I was truly lucky to have met you, and I know you are the perfect guy" he sniffed "but i just can't pretend some day in the future i will like you back, I'm so sorry it took me so long".
Atsumu pulled him away by his shoulders his eyes and cheeks were red.
"You have nothing to be sorry Omi" he smiled, his voices sounded so calm and reassuring "i told you as long as you let me stay i will" he took a deep breath through his nose "you were always free to leave, thank you for letting me stay those years" his lower lip shook as his voice cracked "i… please don't ask me to just be your friend, that's the only thing i can't give you, i can't see you as a friend and it won't be fair for any of us".
Suddenly the realization and the fear of not having Atsumu in his life anymore hit him.
He didn't want to lose him, perhaps he did liked him, perhaps he had liked him all this time, perhaps things had been enough all along.
Perhaps.
"I understand" he finally said.
Now it was too late to like him. Sakusa had been selfish all this time by keeping Atsumu only as an option. To never give anything and just benefit from him, now the only thing he could do was to remove himself completely.
~~~~
Sakusa and Atsumu were no more.
You never notice what you take by granted until you no longer have it.
He didn't know much about Atsumu lately, only that he had been dating someone for some time now.
He couldn't help feeling like he was being stabbed in the chest the moment the news got to him.
Little too late to like him.
"Damn it" he laughed bitterly.
"What is it?" Ushijima asked.
He took a deep breath and put his phone down with the post announcing the engagement of Miya Atsumu and Hinata Shoyo.
"Is nothing".