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You say I don’t understand, and I say I know you don’t
“ I don’t get it.” Alice managed to stutter out.
Narcissa placed a pale hand gently onto Alice’s shoulder, as if such a small gesture would somehow fix this.
“I don’t have a choice, Alice. It’s what my family wants for me.”
Alice furiously blinked away the tears that were threatening to spill over. “And what about what you want?”
Narcissa sighed, “You Alice. Obviously, I want you. But It's not that easy. You know that.”
Alice sighed dejectedly and stared up at the girl before her. Scared grey eyes met her and she felt her heart turn to sympathy.
“You really have to marry him?”
Narcissa nodded, her own eyes glazing over.
“But I can still be yours?” Alice asked, looking up through her lashes hesitantly at the other girl.
“I think so.” Narcissa said, voice quivering.
“You think so or you know so?”
“I know so.” Narcissa said more firmly.
Alice pulled the taller girl closer to her and pressed a kiss softly to her lips, smiling at her warmth. It was almost enough to quell the pit of doubt in her stomach.
We thought a cure would come through in time now I fear it wont
The grounds were peaceful near the lake, especially so close to curfew. Now that they were in seventh year and it was spring, they were basically invincible to school rules, so Alice didn’t find herself particularly worried about detention. They walked hand in hand silently for several minutes, but it wasn’t the comfortable silence that Alice had become so accustomed to when she was around Narcissa. Now it was stagnant, dragging out, and making her feel almost queasy with the anxiety of how abnormal it was for them.
“Something’s off.” She finally had the courage to stay.
Narcissa sighed, blonde eyebrows furrowing. “I know. I just don’t know how to fix it.”
Alice held back the urge to snap at her. “It’s not exactly like you can ask other people. How many couples have issues because one of them is marrying someone else?”
Narcissa stared at Alice, eyes huge and teary again. “You know it’s not like that Alice, please. I need you to move on from this.”
Alice broke eye contact. Anytime she stared into the other girl’s eyes she immediately gave in and dropped the argument. “I’m trying to, I promise I am.”
Narcissa stroked her cheek gently. “And I’m trying to make it up to you. We will make this work, I promise you love.”
Remember looking at this room we loved it cause of the light
Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time
Alice had always been a little bit jealous of the Slytherin dorms. The Gryffindor tower was nice, but very simple and she often found the red a little bit overwhelming. But she loved Narcissa’s room. The earthy tones of the common room and the soft greens in the dorms put her at ease. The part that delighted her above all was lying on Narcissa bed and staring up at the glass ceiling, charmed to let you see into the lake. Now it was a little more bittersweet.
She lay on Narcissa’s bed, letting the green and yellow lighting of the lake pour over her face. She had been waiting for an hour and Narcissa was nowhere to be seen. When had it started being this hard? This painful?
Their love used to be so easy, a grounding force that she knew would be a constant in her life. Now her constant, the thing she had based so much of her life around was quievering and falling apart around her. And Narcissa couldn’t see it.
Do I throw everything we built or keep it
It had become a bit of a habit since fifth year. Feeling nervous? Twirl Narcissa’s ring. Feeling lonely? Twirl Narcissa’s ring.
Now it sat cold and hard on her finger, reminding her of how cold and unfeeling the girl she had thought she’d be with forever had become.
When she had first been given the ring back in fifth year, Narcissa had told her it was a promise. Not necessarily that they would get married but that they would stick with each other, no matter what.
Now Alice sat twirling it, eyes fixed on Narcissa and Lucius sitting next to each other at the Slytherin table.
I'm getting tired even for a phoenix
Always rising from the ashes
“Lets meet at the astronomy tower tonight <3 – Alice.”
She hovered the note over to where Narcissa was sitting, grinning as the other girl opened it. Then feeling her heart sink as she saw the other girl look up with apologetic eyes.
Of course. Narcissa ran dueling club on Friday's, and had to be seen with Lucius on Thursdays, and taught remedial potions on Wednesday, and chess club on Tuesday, and slug club on Monday, and had homework on the weekend.
Why was there not a day where she just had Alice?
She gave Narcissa a small smile. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep doing this. The constant need for reassurance from someone who wasn’t even putting an effort into the relationship was exhausting, and she didn’t know how much longer she had before she burnt out.
Mending all her gashes
You might have just dealt the final blow
“You know.” Alice began, looking at the other girl apprehensively. “when you first gave me this ring I thought for awhile you might have wanted to marry me.”
Narcissa stared straight ahead, eyes unmoving.
“I never said that.”
“I know. Alice responded, trying to keep the pain out of her voice as she continued. “I just thought it at least meant you would put some effort into this relationship.”
Narcissa sat up abruptly, “I have to go.”
Alice watched as the blonde stormed out of the library, “Shocker.” she muttered, hoping Narcissa heard her.
Stop, you're losing me
I can’t find a pulse my heart won't start anymore
For you
Cause you’re losing me
“ What did you do today?” Alice said, trying to reignite the conversation that had already died out twice since they got to Hogsmeade.
Narcissa shrugged, sipping her butterbeer. “Oh you know, some homework and some tutoring.” then the blonde fell silent again.
Alice felt like screaming. Instead she said, “Narcissa this isn’t working. I feel like you aren’t even interested in being around me anymore.”
Narcissa’s eyebrows raised up in surprise at that. “Why would you think that? I love you.”
Alice threw her hands up in exasperation. “Then where are you? Not in my heart that’s for sure. I need you to start showing up for me or this isn’t going to work.”
Narcissa reached her hands over the top of the table to grab Alice’s own. “I promise I’ll try harder. I want you to be happy.”
Alice just nodded curtly. “Prove it then.”
Every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes
How can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying
“ I think there’s going to be a war.” Alice said, voice hushed in the library. Almost everyone thought there was going to be a war, but nobody wanted to hear about it. Narcissa stared up at her and nodded solemnly.
“I think so too. I’m afraid we are going to be placed on different sides.”
Alice tried to keep her face impassive at the words. Things had been so good with them lately and a war where they were on different sides was not something their rocky relationship could take, possibly ever, but definitely not right now.
“We don’t have to talk about it.” Alice whispered. “Don’t think about the war right now, just think about how much I love you.”
She delighted in the way Narcissa’s pale face flushed at the words. It almost felt like it had at the beginning.
I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
My face was gray, but you wouldn’t admit that we were sick
“And then,” Narcissa laughed, “Mulciber fell right off of the table.
Alice’s stomach plunged into what was now becoming and all to familiar feeling of dread.
“Mulciber? I thought he was a death eater.”
Narcissa’s eyes darted around quickly. “Is he? I’m not sure. But you know there’s some death eaters in my families circle.”
Alice clenched her jaw and stared down the other girl from across the kitchen table of her new flat.
“Right. You just happen to run in the same circle’s as death eaters and I just happen to run in the circles of people who want the death eaters in Azkaban.”
“Don’t be like that.” Narcissa whispered, staring down at the table and picking at the wood.
and the air is thick with loss and indecision
“ Watch out Longbottom!” Alice cried from where they were flying about the streets of London under a disillusion charm. She flew over to him and grabbed his hand, helping him back onto the broom he had almost fallen off of.
“Windy night.” He said, offering her a wide smile of thanks.
“Be more careful, you gave me a bloody heart attack.
Frank laughed at that. “Careful Alice or people might think you care about me.”
Alice rolled her eyes and sped away from him, ignoring the part of her mind that was replaying his teasing voice over and over again.
I know my pain is such an imposition
Alice snuck into Narcissa’s window of the Black manor with ease. She’d had enough years of practice that she was practically invisible in the house by now. She pulled herself into the other girls bedroom and sat waiting to greet her. Eventually the laughter she could hear from downstairs began to die out and she heard soft footsteps nearing the door. She sat on the bed, grinning and waiting for the other girl to appear but her grin faded as she heard whispered voices behind the door.
She moved closer, pressing her ear against the dark wood and hearing Lucius Malfoy say,
“Thank you for the party Narcissa. I have a feeling our wedding will be a successful one.”
She heard the unmistakable sound of a kiss, and then her vision began to go fuzzy as she heard Narcissa say. “I agree. I can’t wait to marry you.”
How could this be happening? How could Narcissa have such little regard for the girl she claimed she loved? How could Alice continue with this?
She hurriedly climbed back out the window before Narcissa entered the room again.
Now you're running down the hallway you know what they all say
Narcissa stumbled through the halls of St. Mungo’s until she found the visitors center.
“I need to see Alice Fortescue.” She said, words tumbling out of her mouth. “it’s an emergency.”
The healer looked up from the parchment she was writing with a bored look.
“She was already discharged earlier today.”
Narcissa turned around and slowly began to walk out of the hospital, the adrenaline that had been coursing through her veins coming to a halt.
You don’t know what you got until its gone
Alice stared at her front door deciding. The knock had rang through the flat twenty seconds ago, her words letting her know that it was Narcissa sitting on the other side. Eventually, she decided to hear her out. She hobbled over on her injured foot and opened the door to Narcissa. The blonde girl was holding a bouquet of flowers and a card.
“I’m so sorry Alice. I couldn’t leave the house they wouldn’t let me. By the time I got to the hospital they had already discharged you, but I promise you I was trying to get there.”
Alice sighed, running her fingers through her newly cut, short hair. “I know you were trying.”
“But?” Narcissa said dejectedly.
Alice cursed herself and her weak foolish heart. “No but. Just come in.”
how long could we be a sad song
Till we were too far gone to bring back to life
“It’s different now.” Alice whispered as Narcissa held her in her arms.
“Now that we’re adults, it feels like the world is closing in on us and it’s only a matter of time before we’re suffocated.”
Narcissa pressed gentle kisses to the top of Alice’s forehead.
“Don’t say that my love. Don’t think about it.”
I gave you all my best Me's
My endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
They both stared down at the paper Narcissa held in her hands reading.
You are cordially invited to the union of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Black. June 17 th 1978. The paper read, in flowing cursive.
“It’s really happening.” Alice whispered.
“You knew it would have to happen eventually.” Narcissa said, staring down at the invitation as if she couldn’t believe it herself.”
Alice steeled herself to meet the eyes of the girl standing in front of her. She knew Narcissa feared this would be their catalyst and was determined to put the other girl’s mind at ease.
“I’ll always have your love, and he never will. That’s something special ‘Cissa.”
Narcissa pressed her lips together and then let out a relieved sigh.
“My love waits for you always.” She said, before dropping the invitation and wrapping her arms around Alice’s neck, kissing her softly.
Fighting in only your armies
Front lines don’t you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party
Alice found herself waiting for Narcissa in her childhood bedroom once again. The other girl eventually stumbled in, no Lucius Malfoy around to kiss this time, and her eyes lit up at the sight of Alice.
“Alice darling!” she said, stumbling over to the other girl.
Alice frowned at Narcissa. “Are you drunk right now?”
Narcissa frowned back. “Course I am, isn’t that what everyone does the day before their wedding?”
Alice nodded, smile tight and fake against her face. “I suppose it is.”
“Was bored here without you.” she offered, looking up at Alice from where she had laid her head in the other girl’s lap.
“You are by far the most interesting person here.”
Alice grinned and pressed a kiss to Narcissa’s lips, trying to ignore the loss tearing through her heart at the reminder that this would be the last time she kissed Narcissa Black.
And I wouldn’t marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her
“You know once upon a time I was foolish enough to think we’d be the ones getting married.”
Alice said, gripping the cup of tea in her hand like it was a lifeline in the unfamiliar atmosphere of the Malfoy’s manor.
“I don’t know who gave you that impression” Narcissa said, staring back at her from the other side of the room.
Alice waited, for pain, for screaming, for shouting, for anything really. Instead, she felt nothing as she removed the ring she had been wearing for years from her finger and walked over, placing it in Narcissa’s cold palm.
“Here.” she said, scoffing in disbelief. “Give it back when it means something again.”
And I'm fading thinking do something babe say something
Lose something babe risk something
“What do you even mean by that?” Narcissa whispered, staring down at the ring, shining and oblivious to the pain it was causing.
“Narcissa the only time you care about this relationship is when I warn you that you’re about to lose it. If we aren’t at immediate risk of losing each other, it’s like I don’t exist to you. You can’t even understand why having you having a husband might bother me. Do you even know how dangerous it is for me to be visiting you right now? No, you don’t, because you’d never risk yourself like that.” Alice spat.
Choose something babe I got nothing
To believe
Unless you're choosing me
She stormed down the street away from the manor, furious and alone. She couldn’t even apparate because her emotions were so intense, she would probably splinch herself. Where could she even turn? Narcissa had been her rock, her lifeline for so long. The person she chose and the person who chose her every time. When had that stopped? The more Alice thought about it the more she wondered if this had been falling apart for a long time, and she had been so desperate to cling onto a great love that she had refused to let it go.
You’re losing me
Stop
Stop
Stop
She found herself at the order headquarters, lips quivering and eyes full of tears, hoping to merlin that one of her friends was on duty tonight. She opened the door to Frank Longbottom.
“Hi.” she said, trying for cheeriness but instead hearing her voice quivering out.
“Alice!” He said, concern evident in his voice, and worry present in his furrowed brow. “Are you alright? Is someone hurt?”
“No, frank don’t worry.” she said hurriedly. “It’s not like that, nobody hurt. I just can’t take it anymore y’know?”
He nodded, pulling her into a firm hug. Initially she tensed up but eventually she felt herself relaxed and wrapped her arms around his body.
You’re losing me
I can't find a pulse my heart won't start anymore.
Alice sits in a bed at what she assumes is St Mungo’s. She can’t remember how she got here. She can’t remember what day it is. She scans the room in a panic and sees a calendar. It is flipped open to the December page of 1981. She furrows her eyebrows feeling as though she is missing something. She looks around the room again and sees another bed with a man sitting in it, scanning the room much like she is right now. She feels a twinge of something when she looks at him but cannot quite decipher what it means. She thinks he might be important to her, but she tears her gaze away looking around the rest of the room. She jumps in surprise when she sees a blonde woman staring at her, with a red nose and tear filled red eyes. Alice wonders why this woman seems so sad. She seems important to her to, the same way as the man is important Alice thinks.
The woman is speaking, and Alice is trying very hard to understand what she is saying.
“I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you, my Darling.” The woman choked out, reaching and putting a piece of hair behind Alice’s ear. “This is all my fault.”
Alice mustered up her energy and tried to speak. Had it always been this difficult? Eventually she managed to choke out, “I’m sorry, who are you?”
The woman never came back.
You Lost Me.